why would he back of...little confused??

hey everyone,
ok here is the situation...i know this person since january on a very casual friendly basis...if i got lucky i would get a chance to talk to him for about 20 minutes like every other week or so. i had and still have feelings for him. he is married and so i kept my feelings to myself, just tried to talk very casually because i did not want to lose him as a friend, i was afraid.
a very weird thing happened...i feel he is avoiding me, like he wants some distance...so i respected that and also stayed away. its been a month. since i ahve seen him. it is a professional atmosphere (college). i am 21 and he is about 47 or 48yrs. so the confusion is that i think he does not want others to think that we are close, and thats why he wants to stay away. but why would he do that if i just talk to him like a friend and not like a girlfriend.
do you guys think that he has started to develop feelings for me..and maybe thats why he's avoiding me?? please let me know......thanks

There are a few reasons why he could be avoiding you.

Perhaps he realises that you have feelings for him. Maybe he enjoys your friendship but doesn't want to encourage anything more.

Perhaps he does have feelings for you, but unfortuntatey it doesn't look like he is ready to follow anything up if he does.

If he is married as you say, then you must appreciate the fact that though he might be tempted by you, there is a good chance he doesn't want to jeopardise his marriage. Also you say its a college situation, is he your teacher?

By the sounds of it he has a lot more at stake then you. The only thing you can do is back off completely and what and see what his next move is.

Sorry to say though, if he is avoiding you then he has obviously made a concious decision not to take anything further.

thanks Elizabeth..
he is a professor but i don't have any classes with him nor will i have any. i definitely see sadness in his eyes, thats why whenever i used to see him i would always try my best to make him smile. i had borrowed a book from him earlier in january and i want to return it, now how and what should i email him..that i want to return it. i want to be polite, keep everything cool and friendly and not sound like i miss him or anything. i want it to be professional and casual because we used to talk on a casual level. its been a month since i have seen him, so i am a bit confused as to what should i write.
and how can i know why he backed off...i mean if i will go to return his book...what should i say or how should i act to get a clue as to what is on his mind and in his heart.

Must agree with Elizabeth. Regarding the book - I would email him in the usual friendly manner and just say you have finished with the book, many thanks for lending it and you'll either leave it at main reception (or somewhere) for him to pick up, or pass it onto him next time you see him. Not seen you around for a while - hope all is ok, best wishes....... blah,blah,blah.

He is married - so back off and let him make the moves.

The thing is about men, that they aint that hard to read a lot of the time. Its us women who tend to over complicate things. In my experience with men, the way you see it is the way it is (generally, exceptions can arise of course).

If a guy likes you and wants to get to know you better, he will find ways to be meaningful to you. He will find excuses to be around you. This has always been my experience with guys, they tend to be pretty up front.

Honey, I don't want to hurt your feelings at all but I just don't think you should spend any more time thinking about this guy. You are dealing with a married man, he would have baggage that you at 21 wouldn't have had to deal with yet.

I'm not saying that a relationship can't work with someone who has been previously married, but he has not even begun yet to go through the process of finishing his relationship with his wife. Were he to make that decision (which he doesn't seem to be anyway) he would have months ahead of him facing issues with his wife, property settlements and just FULL ON heavy stuff. This would not be an ideal time to start a relationship with you.

Do you have any indications that he likes you? As in, any real obvious indications. Like, has he asked for your number? Does he go out of his way to talk to you? You said that your talks are pretty casual...

My guess? He thought you were a nice girl and he enjoyed chatting with you. But, he has built a life with his wife and doesn't seem to be ready to give that up.

Stop analysing it. Drop off the book somewhere and e mail him telling him where it is. Then go back to living your life, and wait for the day that a guy comes along when you will have no doubt in your mind that he likes you, because it will be so darn obvious.

Because you deserve that sweetie.

ok ..here is the thing, the book first of all was given to him by his parents. about 30yrs back...and he let me borrow it. that was very sweet of him. whenever i had to borow or talk he would just ask me to come to the his ofice and we would just talk about general stuff. he is a good man and very professional. in the library..if i asked him about other class stuf he would help me, if i had a test he would remember it and would say goodluck. i mean he always remembered even the little stuff i had talked about weeks ago. now i don't know whether he would talk about those things just to keep the conversation going or was it that he cared.
so now if i just leave the precious book in the main department, that would seem rude...coz his parents had given it to him and he let me borow it. i guess i'll email him saying that thanks for lending it, it was of great help blah..blah..and i want to return it. if he says leave it in the main depatment, then i'll just do that. what i mean is ...i want to leave it upto him to tell me where should i return it. moreover its almost finals time...so he'll be busy with his stuff and me too.
any advice if thats okay....let me know please

tahnks a lot guys ...

He's married...leave him alone.

He's married...leave him alone.


I second this.....

I'm a married woman and it breaks my heart to see someone is with a married man. Marriage is committment and should be respected. I understand things are complicated and not always so "black and white" but Hes distancing himself... maybe thats why.

You need to move on... When you get married do you want your husband "fooling" around? Wouldn't it hurt YOU if your s/o was cheating on you? married or not.

His marriage should be respected. and you are worth more than that ... you will find someone available and able to commit to you.

The thing is about men, that they aint that hard to read a lot of the time. Its us women who tend to over complicate things. In my experience with men, the way you see it is the way it is (generally, exceptions can arise of course).

If a guy likes you and wants to get to know you better, he will find ways to be meaningful to you. He will find excuses to be around you. This has always been my experience with guys, they tend to be pretty up front.


I agree. What you see is what you get.

Even if he looks sad, hes married. If his marriage ends, and he wants to pursue you, he will.

My feelings haven't changed regarding this since the last time you posted (LINK (http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?t=29071)). In fact his recent behavior confirms what many said then.

You are extremely vulnerable to this man so I believe you should leave the book somewhere (or with someone) safe to ensure he receives it back.

If he's unhappy it is his place, not yours, to realize that and move on. You have no place meddling in a marriage, regardless of how unhappy you believe it to be.

You would want another woman to respect your place as a wife when interacting with your husband, wouldn't you?

And honestly, it bothers me to think you would even consider going there with a married man. Some things should just ring true in our mind. Not pursuing a married man should be one of them.

You're fully aware of his situation and still trying to get an okay for it. I can't give that, I'm sorry.

Leave him be and find someone who will be able to love you fully. You deserve to be a man's everything. Not his something.

Thank you everyone else for saying what I didn't trust myself to say nicely. If we women could trust each other NOT to fool around with married men, maybe the men would quit trying to cheat on us. Just a thought.

Even if THEY start things....the correct answer to any married man is:"GO home to your wife! See me if you ever get divorced." END OF STORY.

thanks guys....ok i was just trying to be his friend...not expecting anything from him. i never flirted or did anything i should have not. just hello and you know casual talks..like how are you and how the classes are going thats it. but all of a sudden he just backed off. i am not his gf so why would he act in that manner. i mean i never even said or did something to hint that i have feelings for him. i myself kept it so casual..so that atleast i would if nothing else...have a friend.
so his backing of means that he does not even want a friend. its a bit confusing because when i asked him something about other classes he would always be eager to help. i also asked him--whether i was bothering him with my silly other class questions...and he always said NO. so what happened suddenly??
AND.....YES! ofcourse i would never pursue him, and even if he did i would say to him that you are married so why are you pursuing me? I DON'T want or care about pursuing....but what i am worried about is....NOW that he has backed of...i think i have LOST him as a friend.

Maybe he's just busy. He could be busy teaching, writing or reviewing papers, writing grants, preparing or conducting research, dealing with his grad students, or just busy with his personal life. What makes you think it has anything to do with you? A lot of professors are friendly toward their students and appreciate it when undergrads actually show some initiative and interest in their own educations (I know as a TA I tend to remember more about students who actually seem to care about their classes than those who don't). It sounds like you may be projecting your own feelings on this guy.

If he was afraid it was feeling more like something other than friendship, that might be why he backed off.

thanks guys....ok i was just trying to be his friend...not expecting anything from him. i never flirted or did anything i should have not. just hello and you know casual talks..like how are you and how the classes are going thats it. but all of a sudden he just backed off. i am not his gf so why would he act in that manner. i mean i never even said or did something to hint that i have feelings for him. i myself kept it so casual..so that atleast i would if nothing else...have a friend.
so his backing of means that he does not even want a friend. its a bit confusing because when i asked him something about other classes he would always be eager to help. i also asked him--whether i was bothering him with my silly other class questions...and he always said NO. so what happened suddenly??
AND.....YES! ofcourse i would never pursue him, and even if he did i would say to him that you are married so why are you pursuing me? I DON'T want or care about pursuing....but what i am worried about is....NOW that he has backed of...i think i have LOST him as a friend.

First of ... he's not your friend he's your professor. I'm not sure what your looking for or why this is even an issue. You should want knowledge and education from him not someone to hang out with etc as you would you friend.

I think he's just being friendly to you as he would any of his students and should continue that way . As pink said also he is probably busy or even maybe he IS sensing that your feeling more than a student/teacher relationship would and he's backing off because he doesn't want to lead you on or what.

I think you sould just concentrate on getting good grades and graduating. and if somethng comes along with a Unattached man then go for it. but this you need to let go....

It wasn't really a friendship, he sounds like he was more someone who gave you guidance on your college issues.

There are professors all over the world giving guidance to students, its their job. You haven't told us anything that really could suggest he had an interest in you sexually.

You obviously are pursuing something, whether you are concious of it or not. Why else are you analysing everything that he say and does? Friendships for the most part are easy, I know that my friends make my life a whole lot easier and are there for me all the time. Your trying too hard to put a label on this, to make it into something that it doesn't seem to be.

If you guys were great friends, then that would just be how it is, no words or analysing necessary. When my friends back off at times, I don't get stressed about it, I just know that they are busy and have stuff going on and they will be in touch in due course.

Your over anxiety about the whole scenario suggests an unhealthy attachment to an unavailable man.

I don't want to sound harsh and hurt your feelings, it sux liking someone who you can't have, I know.

But you really need to make a concious decision to start moving on with your life, because this is holding you back, and you have nothing to gain from it.

thanks guys....i think it is just me who is analyzing too much. i really appreciate all your advice. i know it hurts a lot, afterall i guess this is what life is all about. thank you!!

He's married...leave him alone.

AAAAAAAAAAAMEN to that. :yes:

hey,

i agree with the previous few replies. do not ever hitch on married man. married man are supposed to stay to their wife, and as single woman, we have our part to play as well, that is not to hitch on married men.

i think the reason he avoids you is because he doesnt want to mislead you into thinking that he likes you. he probably just treat you as a young friend. its like putting yourself into a position whereby a guy talks to you as a friend but you know that he likes you. you will do the same thing as he did, that is to avoid.