Why someone in a successful relationship is a member on these boards...

When I first came to this site, it was because I'd seen a reference to a book on a talk show (Older Women, Younger Men: New Options For Love and Romance by Felicia Brings and Susan Winter). When I googled for the book, I found this site. (By the way, I still have yet to read the book. This site provided me with exactly what I was looking for in the book. :))

I was so relieved I cried most of that day, reading the posts in Relationship Support.
I was totally in love with a man 24 years younger than me, and utterly convinced I'd lost my mind and we were doomed. He was exactly half my age. Not only that but I had been new to the internet, and new to chat when we met. He lived in another state. So I had the triple whammy of being afraid of a net relationship, long distance relationship and age-gap relationship all at once. None of which I'd ever attempted successfully before.

I had stayed alone by choice for over two years after the disastrous ending of my last relationship of 10 1/2 years. I was determined to stay alone forever rather than to have to go thru all the work and compromise and pain and loss involved in being in a relationship with a man again. I was convinced that men not only did not love... but that they were utterly INCAPABLE of loving.
Then along comes Jonathan... bitter, lonely, vulnerable, intelligent, tender, caustically brilliantly funny, living away from his parents in a home he owned, in a good career... but a 24 year old virgin who lived in another state and I only knew online.

So my belief at the time was, of COURSE it couldn't work between us!

The ONLY place I saw ANY references to OW/YM relationships were in movies where inevitably, the older woman ends up alone. Mostly she was depicted as either pathetic or a predator. The younger men used her to learn about sex. How on earth could I believe it could work for Jonathan and I? I don't know how many times I tried to call it off with him in the seven months we talked online before he finally persuaded me to come meet him in person.

During all that time we spent getting to know each other... we were completely honest. Brutally honest about ourselves, how we felt about ourselves, what we looked like... both of us suffered terribly low self esteem. He was always consistant tho. His personality remained the same, his answers remained the same, day in and day out. Since we met in a public chat, I was also able to observe his interaction with others as well as privately. We worked out many of the biggest issues in our relationship online, before we met in person.
And finally I took the chance. Drove to see him, stayed a few days, and knew this wasn't just a fantasy. We really had something.

I STILL didn't believe it deep down tho. While I refused to let my fears dictate my life, and entered into this relationship with much hope, there was also a great deal of trepidation. I never truly relaxed and let myself trust that we could last.
It wasn't till after we got a house together and were well into our relationship that I discovered this site. I cried for hours in relief. Finally here were other people who had taken the crazy risk, and many of them were SUCCEEDING at it.
I needed to see that SO badly. I realize now, deep down, I wasn't able to really commit to Jonathan till I found Ageless and let go of the ridiculous belief that the love we have was somehow harmful or doomed.

In all the time I've been a member, I've never once asked for advice or for support for myself. I've given plenty of advice. (Or just giggled along with silliness in Chit Chat. :)) Most of the time I'm pretty good at this relationship thing. I've evolved tremendously over my life. I'm still evolving, so it cements my own thoughts and beliefs, the things I really need to learn or hear, when I give advice to others. And I have something to offer because of all the evolution I've been thru. I see others here in the same place I've been in the past. I know some of what it takes to get to where I am now. My online rant still resides at http://www.dryadgrove.com/~sherwoodspirit/Love_Thyself_First

Some of you have expressed thanks for things I've written. Some have argued with it. I don't take it personally when someone doesn't believe what I believe, or when they aren't ready to hear what I have to say. We all grow in our own time, in our own way. I'm glad some things I've written have been of use to some people. I know the things others have written here have been of tremendous help and use to me.

I'm here to learn. I'm here to teach. In case I need support in the future, I'm here to receive it. I don't always reply to each and every thread that deals with things I have experience in or knowledge of, because there are so many other very competent people on these boards who answer with essentially the same advice or info I'd give myself, or with insights I'd never have thought of. These boards are for support. Giving or getting it, one way or another, our age-gap relationships are the glue that binds us all here.

When HadleyManassas asks in another thread, what the heck people who are in a good relationship are doing on these boards, this is my answer. I didn't post my reply to that thread because it was about another topic, of how soon to have sex when you meet someone from the net.
Rather than go off on a tangent in that thread, I decided to post my own new thread.

Thank you for being here Ageless. Thank you to all the members here, with whom I agree or disagree, for having the courage to share your stories and advice. You have given me the hope and courage to carry on in my unconventional, but oh-so-fullfilling relationship with the wonderful man who came into my life and, against all odds, decided to love me.

~Val

Thank you for sharing yourself. I look at your picture (natural beauty) and read your words and I think "how can she have any low self-esteem at all?" You are a treasure and I am glad that you found your way here just as I did. It really is a miracle.. to find love in the strangest packages and the strangest places.

for being here, for your rant, for your openness, your advices and for sharing a part of your life with us.

The more people like you here, the more sense all this makes..

On the same note - YellowRose... :)

Teli

Hi Sherwood,
I loved your story and totally agree with you. Yes, sometimes we just need to hear from our peers or others that "its ok" to live the unconventional lifestyle we do. Not that there is anything wrong with it by any means, but there is just always that little nagging thing that says we're a little different and we want our relationships to be accepted just like everyone else does. So reading about others in ow/ym relationships does help. And I too am glad ageless is here - for whatever reason we all need it. Whether it be getting advice, giving advice, or just being able to feel ok about age gap relationships.

Southerngal

Hi Val,

Thanks for this post. I find it interesting that you and I have had such similar experiences with our relationships. Bear was 26 and we have a 26 year gap, other than that we share very similar stories.

I found this place on my own in the late spring of '99. Like you I needed to hear success stories. Please, someone tell me that it can work, or if it can't how to handle it with grace and make sure he doesn't get hurt. Above all things I did not want to hurt someone who was so sure that love was nothing but pain. I found success stories here. Some people got married, some just wanted to live together, some shared their lives as a couple living independently. But the one thing they had in common was their success.

I listened and learned. I asked for help, but realized that this wasn't the place because our problems had nothing to do with age gap and still don't. I stuck around because if I don't...if you don't, who will be here to tell others that it can work? I was given so much that I want to repay it as much as I can.

Val, you said: "I STILL didn't believe it deep down tho." Why not? Why is it so hard to believe that he can love you and that it can work? Why are we so hard on ourselves and on those who love us? Has it occurred to you that the pain and loss you suffered has made you the woman he fell for and that if you were younger, he might not see the same things in you? Bear has told me over and over that what I went through made me the person he loves. He wants to make up for those hard times, those lonely painful times...those times when I lost faith with the world and myself. He has learned to give and I have learned to receive. It's been a good lesson for us both.

In 2001 on my birthday, he got down on his knee and proposed to me. He was serious. He had talked it over with his mother, his best friend and even some of the guys at work (everyone knows our age gap) and felt it was what he really wanted to do. This past July 20th we were married. We wrote our own vows and became Man & Wife in front of most of his family. No one appeared to have any problems with our age gap at all. It was a lovely ceremony right out of my dreams.

In '99 I would never have believed it could end this way. But dreams can come true if two people work at it...and believe in it.

I come here to share my story. I hope that your story has a happy ending as well and that you stick around to reassure the next group of people who come here scared and hopeful.

There is a Native American saying. "Happiness was born a twin." That means that it must be shared to be appreciated. Thank you for sharing your happiness with us. I share mine back. I hope others join in as well. This board can't only be about problems...it has to be about success as well.

Peace,
BA

I'm a fan of yours, Sherwood Spirit, as I am with a lot of other wise and intelligent ladies here.

I think it's important for the folks in successful, healthy relationships to come here and post, because it gives those who are in dysfunctional ones something to compare to. It also shows people with doubts that it CAN work.

Ageless saved my relationship more than once, and I too, am very grateful for this site.

Nice thread, Sherwood! :)

awesome post, sherwood! thanks for sharing your story and your feelings!!! :)

{{{{All}}}}}}
I wish I could be as strong and noble as all of you wise women.......and am very grateful that I stumbled onto this sight and all of you :)
I try and take things one day at a time....sometimes that works.....other times......ack!!!
I still have my doubts as to the longevity of my relationship with my y/m. I do not know if my doubts would be less if we weren't 20 years apart.........actually......yes I do.......fears would be less.
I cannot turn away though, even with the fears, I love him and all is well in our world. I did have to add the possiblity of an ending into my heart......just to make sure I was strong enough to handle the loss if it were to happen.
And yes Sherwood, a lot of these fears are from living in a society that has really never supported our kind of relationships and love for each other. He, my y/m, lives in this society as well and only the future knows if we are both willing to go the distance.......I pray so.
Thanks to all of you for being here.
Bright Blessings, TD

Well, when I first arrived to this board I was a mess! I, too, had just embarked on a relationship with a younger man and didn't have a clue what was happening to me. I was very confused and scared.

Finding Ageless within the first month or so helped me. I learned that I was not completely out of my mind - that men and women in age gap do have relationships and they can work. And they are not all Cher or Elizabeth Taylor types. They are people like me.

But even more, I found a site of awesome women and some great guys, who were willing to listen to me and share their experiences and advice with me. This place is a wealth of persons in and out of relationships who share their fears, their strengths and experiences just to help someone else.

I try to give back now and then with my words of wisdom or whatever.

But the first year or so here, I saw few if any single guys posting. It was mostly folks in a relationship or just surviving the ending of one but it wasn't really a singles area. Anyone that did come on to ask about older women were politely referred to the personals section. I liked it that way.

But I'll roll with it whatever direction it takes. I like so many of you here. And I've been particularly pleased with the addition of Jaye and Sherwood who seem to be some of the newest folks here who post alot. I'm a glutton for people though, I love people. I'm the 'sit on the bench person who just watches the people go by'. I'd much rather sit outside the museum watching the art than go inside.

Everyone here has some richness that benefits someone. I enjoy looking for that richness in each and every person here.

Cindy

There's another thread on this subject in the chit-chat area, make sure to check that out too.

Sherwood, I just wanted to say that your online text is wonderful to read. Feel a bit vulnerable at the moment and your text give me spirit again. Strange, seems like age do me wiser but also weaker in a way so thanks for giving us a text to remind us how to keep good to ourselves.

I'm glad you found us as we are all glad to have you make up the family of ageless love. Also I'm glad that we who are in committed relationships are coming forward to why it is important for single and married to share their story. Your a living example, on why a person of all background who is willing to share their story should ...........we just never know who needed to hear what was said that day. I wish you all the best, and may your relationship with your young man, continued to be a blessing. Your a seetie pie.:)

Pardon me for encroaching again...

As I said before, I am an OM from the other side of this board. But there is not much discussion from the OM's. So I read the OW posts occasionaly. Guess what? Wer'e all on the same page (figuratively speaking).

When I came here, it's because I also thought I must be nuts to be in love with someone half my age. But as it turns out we are all nuts, or in reality, we are simply in love with someone. We know it's love, but those outside of our relationships don't always grasp it because it generally goes against the norms of accepted behavior in our society. So do same sex relationships & interracial relationships. And slowly the world is becoming more accepting of all these. I don't want to use the word "tolerant" beause then it makes it seem like we are not quite right.

I'm very proud of my love for my YW. There is nothing seedy about it. Yes it might be easier if we were closer in age BUT it's not such an obstacle that we can't be happy together.

There will always be some doubt from those outside of our relationships. We're not going to change the views of many. And that's not our mission anyway. And if we focus on that, we are taking time and concentration away from our relationships.

These boards have helped me grow immensly in so many ways. Not only have I become more secure in knowing my love is a good thing, I too have learned that it's not for me or anyone to judge another's preference. So I want to thank everyone for that blessing.

Today I am very happy.

I know this isn't my thread, yet I wanted to respond to your comments...I'm truely happy for you!:)

I love this board, plain and simple. Here I find affirmation, consolation, the common sense wisdom of others, and the opportunity to vent, console, or inspire. Thank you to all you very, very special people!

oneofthoseguys - I just wanted to say I think its cool that you posted here and you can hang out with us OW anytime lol. I mean, I'm sure you have lots of the same thoughts and feelings we do as the older person in a relationship. And probably your gf can identify with our ym. Anyway, come on over to the ow/ym boards anytime you want - there's usually plenty going on here lol :)

Southerngal

Well Polly, Nafadda's posts are gone and I don't remember the incident, so I can't comment, but it sounds like what was said really hurt. Those of us with partners some here for many reasons. Some of us, like you and many others have been battered by previous partners and still need some reassurance. Others like me, just need to know that a large gap can work. There's nothing wrong with that. We all carry fears around with us. I posted some of mine in the women and sexual dysfunction thread. We all have a right to be scared and ask questions. No one has the right to hold our fears against us.

We do have to be careful what we say here because it's far too easy to hurt someone you really don't know. Print doesn't give inflection and can sound harsher than we intend. You have to think before you say something...you know...kind of like real life.

Polly did bring up a point about "bragging." Sometimes I want to say something but I don't because it sounds like bragging. I know that none of us wants to make ourselves look good at another's expense. Sometimes its a fine line between expressing happiness and sounding as if we are bragging. Maybe that's why the original question was asked. No one wants to feel that they are surrounded by people who have what they want and can't seem to find.

Those of us posting here have great relationships. We worked for them, cried over them, forgave, forgot and moved on to the future leaving the past where it belongs. It didn't come easy to any of us. It it did we wouldn't be here. We come back to help others, check in with friends and feel as if we are part of a community. IVillage is making a fortune off of that concept, so why shouldn't we have our own community where everyone is welcome?

Speaking of welcome. Oneofthoseguys, you can come back at any time. You have wisdom to share. Not all of us wanted a YM it just kind of happened and we come here to figure out how to deal with it. We would be foolish indeed to turn down help from someone in the same boat who is paddling as hard as we are.

Peace,
BA

It seems this thread got a little singed by the flames going on elsewhere. :)
Oh well, no harm done. This too shall pass.

Some of us have vastly differing views from others of us. It takes nothing away from ANY of us if somebody believes something we don't. Ageless is just a cross section of the greater world. On these boards we're only expressing opinions... to be read and taken to heart, or to be disregarded. No need for hostility. They're only opinions after all.

And again I say, the glue that binds us all is the age-gap relationships we're presently in, or have been in, or shall be in eventually.

Peace. :)

~Val

Wonderful words, Val and so very true. Some people live to flame others and others live to help. The flamers tend to burn themselves up and the helpers remain. I'm not sure why support sites occasionally draw people who would rather fight than help out. I guess it's a need they have. Who knows, maybe picking a fight is their version of support...

All any of us has to offer here is an opinion. Mine is no better or more important than yours. Advice is usually worth what you pay for it and as far as I know no one pays a dime to read the posts here. If I say something that helps then my time has been well spent. However, I have found that by helping others I have helped myself, so trying to be supportive here is not totally without alterior motive. :)

We all share the love of a younger partner and that should make us all sisters and brothers.

Peace Sister,
BA

Val,

Thank you for such an inspiring message. About a week ago, I met a young man who is 20 years my junior. I NEVER considered a relationship with a younger man before; as a matter of fact, I have always preferred older men. It's not necessarily a problem that he's 20 year younger, it's more that he's only 22! Needless to say, I'm still on the fence, looking over into the yard you're standing in - your lawn is lovely!

I only came to AgelessLove to see what was going on with others. Most of what I've read and seen is quite inspirational. I'm still sitting on my fence, just watching. I'll let this thing take me where it will, and try not to be afraid.

Kate

P.S. - I can't believe I have butterflies over this guy. I feel like I'm INSANE!

P.S. - I can't believe I have butterflies over this guy. I feel like I'm INSANE!

Were all insane here... SO?:)

Good luck to you and welcome aboard.

Ah, yes, I suppose we are all insane, One. Thanks for the welcome and encouragement. Well, I always DID love riding rollercoasters!