ok, i REALLY need some input

ok, i know that we all can experience some turbulence in any relationship, and sometimes the pressure of an age gap relationship can fuel the "fire".......... but i need some outside perspective here with regards to my situation. i think sometimes people close to us can give us clouded opinions.

valentine's day was supposed to be a nice event. we decided to stay in, cook, watch some movies, and have some "indoor events" for the evening. we are educators, and by the end of the week we are so freakin tired..... it seemed like the perfect way to end the week. after all, we were already planning to get away for the three day weekend, booked hotel reservations and all.

i get to his house late on friday (i had a migraine and took some medication so that i would be better for later on that evening), mainly because i had stopped to pick up a valentine's present for him (there truly had been no time before that). i know he can be a stickler for time, so i called him a couple of times to ensure he knew i would be late. i got to his house at about 8:40 (was supposed to be there by 8), and apologized and explained myself. he said he was not upset, and we had a good time for the next couple of hours. we had dinner, and as we were watching the movie, i fell asleep (the migraine medication tends to make me drowsy, and i fell out).

i went to work the next day (moonlight as a makeup artist on the weekends), and when i got back to his place (anticipating leaving for a fun trip), my man is MAD. he proceeds to tell me that he does not think things are working out, that maybe we should end the relationship here, because i really hurt him by my "thoughtless actions" (getting there late and falling asleep, which has happened before)........ and i got so upset. sobbing, i begin packing my clothes and vocalizing that i was really upset with the way he was treating the situatin (one day he is so happy with me, and the next ready to throw it all away). just when i was about to leave, he tells me that he was just really hurt by me (he had taken a lot of time to prepare a special evening and did not think i appreciated it), and that he was sorry he caused me so much pain by not "talking things out" first. he begged me to go on the weekend getaway with him and work things out.

i did, and we had a fantastic time....... but my heart still hurts. i feel like i want to trust and love him........ but is this the way that things are going to be? he told me that he wants to go and talk to his therapist so that he can find out why he experienced such a mood swing (and why he can go back and forth in relationships this way from time to time). i applaud him for those efforts....... but my sister pointed out to me today that there is probably a reason why my man is 48 and alone. he says it is somewhat attributed to not really connecting with women who are "for him", and then also "his own psychological struggles (family patterns, etc.). i know i have had my own psychological and emotional battles, and try to win. i am just afraid of being in a relationship that is draining emotionally. i have been there before.

i love this man....... but am i doomed to be in an emotional rollercoaster of a relationship? do i stay with him and encourage him through getting the help he needs to find out why he behaves this way inside of relationships? is there some pathology within him i do not see? is there a reason that he is with me (a 26 year old), and he is 48?

so many questions....... if someone could give at least one answer after reading this...... i would be SO GRATEFUL!!

thanks for reading,
k.c. :confused:

Well.... We don't know him that well so no one can say if your sister is right... Although.... I don't think your actions brought on a break up or deserved to say that your relationship isn't working. I could see him tell you he was disappointed maybe until you explained. Also, You were not feeling well.... No matter what his age he needs to understand and respect that. Your health comes first over ANYTHING in life..... I am 27 years old and my om is 44 and he is the most understanding and loving person i've ever been with......If i'm sick he lets me lay my head on his lap and rubs my head ... and when he has a migraine i rub his head..... and PLENTY of times it has interfered with "nitetime" activities... but there is always tomorrow.......

Please don't worry you are not the one to blame here.... If he can work through his issues than great.... BUT.....if I were you I wouldn't place any of the blame on you... although there is no blame to be casted... Explain to him how you feel and don't grovel to keep him either. Most men will realize what they lost and come crawling back or will understand there actions... and if they don't .... then maybe it is time to move on.....Remember Life is to short....... TRUST ME... I lost my first true love when i was 23 and he was 25 years old.... so you never know.... Don't allow yourself to be miserable. I assure you if it is meant to be than it is.

I have had similar experiences with my man. We would be fine, then he would erupt and flip out. He would say he was leaving. It was within the first six months and he still had his own place, but he was at my place most of the time (and didn't pitch in $$$). I would get really upset that he would be able to just end the relationship over something I considered "little".

The last time was really really bad. He was so mad (so was I and I don't even remember how it started) and said that it was over and that he was leaving. But then he wouldn't actually *leave. I kept saying "go then!" and trying to get him to leave, but there was nothing I could do. Finally, I told him I'd throw his stuff out the door. I tossed one bag of clothes outside and he picked up my air conditioner. He made like he was going to throw *it* out the door. For some reason that did it for me. I just went outside and completely ignored him. I made a phone call and started talking loudly about how I didn't want him there and he wouldn't leave. Finally he got bored and left.

About two hours later he calls me from a pay phone crying. He was so upset and wanted to come back. I told him that he couldn't and that he both scared me and threatened an extension of myself. He then took an anger management class for five months and got a "clean bill of health" so we got back together. That was about a year and a half ago and we do not threaten to end the relationship just because we are upset about something. This was an important agreement for me, as I can't put my "all" into something if it will all be thrown away for something trivial.

Anyway, I think it's great that he actually wants to go to therapy, and it is important to have a handle on feelings and reactions. If you have been together for awhile and are in a committed relationship, I think it is important to set boundaries when you're not fighting for when you are fighting.

Hope that helps!~

hi acekay,

does your man in general do the bottle-things-up-until-they explode thing? do you think friday night was an extension of that? was this a fairly isolated incident, or does this extreme reaction surface a lot?

this is the only way i can relate to your situation -- one time (maybe about a year and change into our relationship), my man and i were away for a dreamy weekend. he has this habit of getting up to pee during the night, which used to make me nuts because it was hard for me to fall back asleep. anyway, our last morning at this place he gets up and starts getting dressed. and i wake up and say can i come with you and he says no go back to sleep and i say i can't fall back asleep. so he huffs off. i give him some time, then when i go talk to him, he is STEAMING mad and was the most horrible, mean, sarcastic, harsh version of himself that i'd ever seen!! to get thru to him, i finally had to say that whatever was bothering him we should be able to deal with, but that if he kept on talking to me the way he was, it was going to become relationship-threatening. that is the worst fight that we have ever had yet -- and it was over such a small thing (ie how we dealt with a dumb *** issue of someone being woken up when someone else has to pee... jesus!).

all of that said, it became clear that my man is uber-non confrontational (and you can analyze whatever family patterns into this that you wish -- he was the youngest child, had a totally overbearing father, etc etc), and that when something bothers him he'll bottle it up rather than deal with it at the moment. then when the proverbial straw breaks his back, he's an animal! so that's somthing that we've been working on.

i think that everyone has their own emotional baggage, and that we are all always (or should be, hopefully) trying to grow and learn. doesn't everyone have some aspect of themselves that they'd like to better? i also think that most people could benefit from talking with an objective intelligent therapist every now and then, so i say good for your man, if that's what he thinks would help.

as far as your sister's comment about why he's a certain age and not with anyone, only you can answer that one. my mother used to throw that one at me all the time, and i have to say, i don't put much stock into such a trite, stereotypical comment. we as individuals do not fit into life-molds, and our worth should certainly not be judged on what we've done in our lives by a certain age, in my opinion.

i think a really good thing to establish are rules of fighting. since that aforementioned blow up with my man and i, we do our level best to not be sarcastic, overly hurtful, and try especially hard not to yell at one another. the other thing we found is that once we've identified what the issue is, sometimes we need time alone to sort out our thoughts, then we can come back to the table, so to speak, and work it out a little more calmly. (this worked wonders for me -- i am a bully taurus, and if i feel vulnerable in a situation, i can be so mean -- if i walk away, i can get past my dramatic tendencies, then return a little more rational)

i think these are issues that all relationships -- especially long term ones, need to deal with to be healthy. so if you really love your man and think that the two of you have a future together of any substantial length, i think it's worth seeing thru.

man, who knew i could blather so much. hope something in there was coherent and/ or helpful.

keep us posted,
sam

i will respond to each of your comments based on your feedback:

"Please don't worry you are not the one to blame here.... If he can work through his issues than great.... BUT.....if I were you I wouldn't place any of the blame on you... although there is no blame to be casted... Explain to him how you feel and don't grovel to keep him either. Most men will realize what they lost and come crawling back or will understand there actions... and if they don't .... then maybe it is time to move on....."

Although I intellectually know that this situation was not entirely my fault, I do take responsibility for the areas upon which I can improve. I think what I am the most upset with him is for displaying one set of feelings and emotions one day........ and then the next, saying something different. This is a trust issue that we need to overcome, I think. We will only have trust if we can in fact always be truthful with one another, despite our anger.

"That was about a year and a half ago and we do not threaten to end the relationship just because we are upset about something. This was an important agreement for me, as I can't put my "all" into something if it will all be thrown away for something trivial.
Anyway, I think it's great that he actually wants to go to therapy, and it is important to have a handle on feelings and reactions. If you have been together for awhile and are in a committed relationship, I think it is important to set boundaries when you're not fighting for when you are fighting."

I agree with you completely! This is the obstacle I am contending with this week......... giving my all into something when he seemed to want to end everything over trivial nonsense. We continue to talk and agree that we will be nothing but committed to this relationship, and we will do the necessary work. He is contacting his therapist, and I think I will contact mine just to see what I can improve upon or do to enhance communication within this relationship. We are going to do everything we can to understand the communicative obstacles so that this does not reoccur.


"does your man in general do the bottle-things-up-until-they explode thing? do you think friday night was an extension of that? was this a fairly isolated incident, or does this extreme reaction surface a lot?"

Although M.R. does not tend to explode a lot, he definitely has the tendency to say something does not bother him...... and then the next day........... he acts like a moody asshole (sorry for my frankness, but it is true). He does this about once a month, and I know when it is coming. I wish he would just say how he feels AS he is feeling it, rather than feigning ignorance and then letting things build until it seems insurmountable. I used to be the same way....... until it physically started to affect me (everything would go right to my chest, and then I would feel constricted and sick). He says he will work on it, and I will encourage it.........

"as far as your sister's comment about why he's a certain age and not with anyone, only you can answer that one. my mother used to throw that one at me all the time, and i have to say, i don't put much stock into such a trite, stereotypical comment."

i also agree with this one. Recently, I have abandoned asking for too many opinions (the people closest to us can be the harshest judges of our situations), but I had to vent to my sis last week. i think we are all here to be with people who understand us, value us, and fulfill us. some of us are lucky to find it early in life (ex., us younger women), and then others find this gift later (ex., our older men). i think this is the only argument that can address this situation properly.....

"this worked wonders for me -- i am a bully taurus, and if i feel vulnerable in a situation, i can be so mean -- if i walk away, i can get past my dramatic tendencies, then return a little more rational)"

i know what you mean........... although i am a sensitive pisces, when I get mad, I can "slit a person's throat and watch them bleed." (this is metaphorically speaking) I am learning to not attack when I have been attacked, but express my feelings in the most authentic way possible.

thank you so much for all the input. I LOVE this support board!

~have a great weekend, folks~
kace