Snooping... I asked for it

One morning after spending the night at my boyfriends, i saw a little camcorder video cassette on his dresser so i became curious and wanted to see what it was...turned out to be a video of his kids. When i took the camcorder out to watch it(i know, terrible...it's his private belongings) there was a tape inside the camcorder of waterskiing and then there was a tape on top. I put in the tape on top and it is a tape of him and his ex-wife having sex. So now my brain is in overdrive, I start to think he must watch it because it was in the camcorder case on top and not stacked in his dresser like the others... Then i start thinking why does he watch it? is he still in love with her? does he watch it and cry or get turned on? i know that there must be feelings still there. They were married for 12 years, together for 18. They have been separated for over a year but their divorce only became final this past february. he and i have been together for about 8 months. So i guess i'm just asking for a little advice, should i ignore it? Is it normal for him to watch this even though he is in a relationship with me? i can't really say much anyway considering i had no right to be watching those tapes...the camcorder which is kept in his closet, by the way. I know he really cares for me a lot, he tells me all the time how lucky he is to have me, but sometimes i feel like i may just be second best to her.

Oh boy you really asked for it. Its your own fault so ignore it and forget about it. Just remember not to ever snoope again even though its human nature to be curious of someone you love and care about. He must be watching it just to turn himself on so I would say he looks at it as a porno movie not as a love session of himself and his wife. He may not even have his ex wife in his mind as he is watching it.

Have fun you trouble maker!:o

LOL ........

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/copies.jpg

with care, George

HI george,
I love the cartoon!

Dear Margo answered your question this week. Here's her answer:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/dear_margo/20070607/en_dm/margo_howard20070607;_ylt=Ar4YnvNDvFz7ULnsd7Lca4px Fb8C

you know it could be he was going through his tapes and realized what this one was and put it aside to perhaps tape over it or get rid of it. just playing the other side, since i would have reacted as you did. you know if you trust him, it could really be that he found it and wasnt quite sure what to do with it. you know they were together a long time, and even if he no longer wants to be with her or even watch the tape, it can be hard to literally erase that part of your life, or to not feel conflicted about what to do for a minute. im not sure. if you see any other signs down the road, maybe not mention the tape, but ask him how he has been feeling since the divorce.

Two serious thoughts Jessie...

#1 Perhaps the tape was sitting on top of the camcorder because he intended to record over it. Is he a frugal guy, or is money tight? He may have thought it would be better to record over the tape rather than throw it away.

Speaking from my own experience, the last thing I would have wanted to watch after my divorce is a vid of my ex and I rolling in the sack. Good grief! I'd rather poke my eyes with a dinner fork and pour salt on the wounds.

#2 When you began dating a guy whos wife of 12 years had left him only 5 or 6 months earlier did you not think you were asking for trouble? This guy had a lot of healing and growing to do, but that has been put on the shelf now, because he's focused on his relationship with you, not himself.

Many members of the male gender want to jump from one relationship to another too quickly, due to the strong influence sex drive has over us. Its really up to you ladies to keep us off the market long enough to heal.

with care, George

I also highly doubt that he's watching the tape for kicks. I would suspect that he was intending to either tape over it, or had pulled it out to throw out.

I've been sorting through much of my own stuff, and getting rid of stuff from the past. Periodically, I find things relating to exes that I want to throw out. It ends up in a pile on top of everything else (I have a LOT of stuff to go through!). To a snooper, it would appear that I've saved it all and look at it often since it's on top. Truth be told, it's just waiting to get tossed.

Yep! What Sheila said:yes:

Wow, I was in your shoes sortof, My fiance at the time when we first moved in together had an old tape of him and his friends having sex with a girl. He told me about the tape and I didn't believe him I couldn't imagine a girl wanting to have sex with 5 guys and let them tape it. So I watched part of it and it was a part that wasn't him with this girl but his friends and yes she wanted it!!
Anyway once we decided to move in together and I seen the video tape on his dresser I asked him if he wanted to keep it and he said no and we tore it up. I was very happy that there was no arguing or him having to think about it. I am so glad I never watched that tape with him screwing another girl. I think it would have killed it for me, so for you being able to act like you never seen it I am sure will be hard but IMO you should. You snopped and you shouldn't have. So now you have to pretend you never seen the tape. And somehow bring it up to him so maybe you can get your questions answered without having to tell him you looked at the video tape.
I had an ex boyfriend go thru my things before while I was at work and I was furious with him, I felt so hurt that he went thru my things, I also found out he was reading my mail and going thru my purse. Needless to say that relationship didn't work out he was so insecure and his actions showed it.
Sometimes I want to snoop also, but I know that just gets you in trouble. Somethings are better being left unsaid or unread....unseen in your case.

Wow...I read that Dear Margo piece....she had an interesting suggestion.

I don't know, maybe I'm not quite as "territorial" as other women, but this wouldn't really freak me out. And, I certainly am not out to "make my man forget his past".

He's got a past, as I do. To "make him forget it"? That would make him "not him". Nah.

So, you got curious and looked. Now, why again, is your mind going into "overdrive"? Do you really think that he takes this out to jerk off to?

Just last week, I pulled out a binder of stuff from my past. First time that I looked at it in 3 years. Some of it is basically the written version of the video that you found. I'm not throwing this in the trash. And, at the end of the day, he can accept that, or not.

I'm WITH him. And, at the end of the day, I believe that he knows it. Yet...sometimes I do get the impression that he's insecure, or jealous. Well, you know what? If he confronts me, like an adult, and says so, then we can discuss it. If he "snoops" or is too afraid to confront me, then I know that I'm with the wrong person.

...the camcorder which is kept in his closet.

You have to do a little investigative work. Was the water skiing after the sex tape? If so then he obviously put the tape in to watch it or to at least see what was on the tape. Is there a date on the tape? Find out the chronological dates of the tapes. It may be that he hasn't used the tape recorder since the time he slept with his wife. Just ask him and be honest. As for snooping, I don't think it is a problem. That is solely my opinion. I snoop, and if I didn't I wouldn't trust my boyfriend. I check things like the internet history, i have a web blocker things like that. He broke my trust by not telling me the truth about this women he'd been talking to online way before me. He was on a bondage forum and talked to this woman online in the forum. First of all I don't agree with the forum and he eventually deleted his profile and lost all contact with her. But, I remember when we first started dating she would call the house all the time because he was no longer getting online with her and she was upset and angry. She claimed to be in love with him and she was going to move down here him. All these stupid things, at this point I was already moved in with him. To the point, I ended up logging in to his yahoo and she started to chat w/me thinking it was him. I told her it was me and she told me things THEY had done! I was furious. After being together a 1 1/2 years I find out that he went up there and actually went to a hotel and slept with her. No wonder she was so attached!!! This had all happened before I was in his life but, before I slept with him I asked him if he had slept with anybody since his wife and he said, "no". I was 18 and I believed him, I lost my virginity to liar. He wanted to hide the truth of his past, he could have told me and I would have understood. This whole situation has stunted the growth of our relationship, honestly. Maybe, this seems overboard but, it works for me and him. He has made a 180 degree turn around from the man I first met. If you think you can't can't change a man that isn't entirely right. You have to show him what the wrong is in his doing and prove to him he is a much better man without it i.e the bondage forum. When I'm in a relationship I want all the cards on the table... just be honest... it's the best policy.

Oh, and another thing about "snooping".

In my experience, both personally, and reading about the experiences of others, it's the insecurity of the "snooper" that causes it, by and large. And, compound that with the "he/she 'deserved' it". GAH.

It seems to me, more often than not, that people who do this justify it up, down and sideways. No, it's not THEIR issue, at all.

You snoop, you take PERSONAL responsibility for it.

So, you found it. Now, what does it say about YOU that you can even try to justify what you've done?

Now, what does it say about YOU that you can even try to justify what you've done?

It says I don't don't like liars. I don't want to be with a man who doesn't tell me truth. It is women that don't care about the past and future situations that end up marrying a man that cheats or has online sex or whatever. I want to know exactly what I'm getting into. Because if I don't like it I don't want to be stuck with him and a kid or two.

It says I don't don't like liars. I don't want to be with a man who doesn't tell me truth. It is women that don't care about the past and future situations that end up marrying a man that cheats or has online sex or whatever. I want to know exactly what I'm getting into. Because if I don't like it I don't want to be stuck with him and a kid or two.

Yes. Justification.

It's a person who thinks that they are "within their rights" to "snoop" that doesn't earn my respect.

But, then again, you don't "agree" with bondage, but would have been okay if he had been "upfront at the beginning"? That I don't get. And, is the typical mentality of those who feel that they have to snoop and justify it.

But, then again, you don't "agree" with bondage, but would have been okay if he had been "upfront at the beginning"? That I don't get.

Actually, he was upfront with that, we actually tried it awhile. I ended up finding out the addictive part of pornography and that we couldn't have "normal" sex without the bondage. But, no one can "JUSTIFY" lying.

Actually, he was upfront with that, we actually tried it awhile. I ended up finding out the addictive part of pornography and that we couldn't have "normal" sex without the bondage. But, no one can "JUSTIFY" lying.

Well, I'm hoping that he's getting professional help for his "addiciton".

But, essentially, what I don't understand with all of this, is that most people who "snoop" seem to remove all liability from themselves. I'm thinking personally at the moment....and, I would NEVER forgive someone who felt the need to rummage through my stuff, or LORD FORBID, put a keylogger on my computer. What, do you want a blow by blow history? Honestly, most people who "snoop" can't handle that anyway.

Seriously, what sort of person deals with that sort of scrutiny? I mean, seriously, who is ANYONE to put those sort of standards on anyone else?

Mishigas73, just get off it. You don't snoop, good for you!!! EVERYONE has gotten your point.

...He was on a bondage forum and talked to this woman online in the forum. ...slept with her...

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/webaddress.jpg

George

as a natural snoop myself, i think sometimes it's best not to b/c then when you do find something... you might be "vindicated" but once that "AhA!" feeling is gone you're left feeling sad and betrayed... i wouldn't put too much thought into it... he was with her for a very very long time... you haven't been together long... he may have days when he misses her and the comfort of their long relationship... that doesn't mean that he doesn't genuinely care for you tho... i wouldn't snoop anymore... unless he gives you a real reason to... i'f be uncomfortable knowing about it... but what else can you do? do you want him to know you watched it? how would he react? i can understand wanting to talk to him and ask him... maybe explaining you had no right to look, and you're sorry you did, you didn't mean any harm by it, but you did see it, and now you want to know why he has it out in the open and what it means to him... all you can do is fess up and ask if it's really bothering you.

A decade and a half ago, I was dating a guy who traveled alot to conferences. One weekend, he went out of town in a way that seemed suspicious ...vibe-wise. When he got back, I went to his place. While he was taking a shower, I snooped in his backpack and found copies of airline tickets for the previous weekend- one for him and one for his "ex" wife. Then I found a phone bill with over 800.00 worth of calls to his "ex wife" and recent dental insurance papers claiming his wife as dental insurance "dependant."

Turns out he was married still even though he had told me they were divorced.
And all this while, he had the keys to my apartment, his laundry was in a basket at my place, etc...
Turns out, they had traveled together as a couple to visit his family.

She was not happy to get a phone call from me...

Mishigas73, just get off it. You don't snoop, good for you!!! EVERYONE has gotten your point.


My apologies for putting my opinion into this discussion.

I agree with the post above mine. If you can't trust the person that you're with, perhaps this isn't the relationship for you?

I have heard from friends of mine, and also (unfortunately) have been in situations where there was this "lack of trust". It gets old very quick, and I often wonder what the solution is? Do you "open it all up" to the other person? And, where does this "opening up" become enough?

Oftentimes, this happens because someone's trust has been betrayed in the past. And, if that's the case, there's no one that can help them but themselves.

My point in responding as I have here is to point out that this is, very often, a complicated issue. And, oftentimes, as well, people "snoop" and come up with absolutely nothing.

It can be, as was just mentioned, something very toxic in a relationship.

I just wanted to thank everyone for their input into this 'situation'. I do not plan to invesigate any further and to just let the matter drop. When I really think about it, I cannot picture him watching the video and enjoying it. I do know that he cares for me deeply and I agree with George that maybe he hasn't had the proper time to really deal with his great loss. I have never made a sex video with former boyfriends but I wonder, if I had, would it still be in my possession and I am not sure of that answer. I do know that I do have poems and photos of men from my past. I feel terrible about looking through his things. I really do. If the situation were reversed I would feel so hurt and betrayed. I don't see the point in trying to find out more about the timeline or whether or not he just found the tape or knew he had been in possession of it the entire time. I think this will only add fuel to a fire that I just want to go out. Again I just want to say thank you and when the thought of this video pops into my head I am able to remember some of the things you guys have said and it really does make me feel better.

I also just wanted to say that I do take full responsiblity for my actions, I know that it was driven by my insecurites and that is something that I have to deal with. Also to backbayhiker, I'm not sure if you were implying that I have been lied to or speaking about yourself but I don't feel like my boyfriend lied to me. I don't think he needed to inform me of this video, i was never meant to see it. I also know that he has pictures of his ex-wife on his computer and among his family photos. I would never demand that he dispose of these. She is the mother of his child and was a HUGE part of his life. I just think I may need to try and put myself into his shoes more. Had I been with someone for 18 years, I would hope I wouldn't be erased completely from that persons life. It is what makes him who he is.

Jessie,

From my personal perspective, I think that you are thinking about this in the most sensible way that you can.

I was just thinking about what would happen if someone desired to "snoop" in my belongings. I can JUST imagine what would come of this...

Quite simply, one only needs to look in the top drawer of my dresser to find some letters. In my closet to find tons of photos and chat logs. And, of course, in my computer. And, quite honestly, if someone did this without my express permission, I would be LIVID.

Yes, I still have these things. And, yes, on occasion, I still look through them. But, like you said about your man...this is some of the stuff that makes me who I am today. And, quite frankly, looking back on these things and reminiscing makes me feel good. I would defy anyone in this world to argue with that.

The past is the past. Keeping something can mean MANY different things. And, honestly, unless you can pull yourself back and think about the reasons for keeping something like this in an objective manner, you're setting yourself up for disaster. And, I'm saying this in the general "you" way, not to you in particular.

Bottom line though is this. You know that this exists, and you can't unring that bell. Do you know how you're going to proceed with that issue? Can you handle just "accepting" it, or is it going to bother you?

... I am able to remember some of the things you guys have said and it really does make me feel better...

Jessie sweetheart, none of us are perfect, your act of curiosity is no worse than any of the relationship faux pas everyone here has done. This will not be the last blunder you make either. I know you have learned from your mistake and that's all that is required from any of us. I don't think any worse of you for having snooped, so if I can forgive you, you should be able to forgive yourself.

with care, George

Hi Jessie

If I had stood in front of some video cassettes I would have watched them, too. Out of pure curiosity what could be inside, no real snooping intended. And I would have found it interesting that such a video existed. Nothing more. Both is just human nature: My curiosity and the sex drive of the couple. But I am a man, maybe women think differently.

If there is nothing else in his behaviour towards you that may fuel any kind of suspicion, I strongly believe there is NOTHING to worry about.

BlueBird

I agree with you Bluebird, I fully intend on not making an issue out of this unless I see other telltale signs in his actions that might indicate something is going on. It's actually kind of funny, since I have became aware of this tape, it seems as though our relationship has actually gotten stronger and it seems to just be getting better and better. :)

It's actually kind of funny, since I have became aware of this tape, it seems as though our relationship has actually gotten stronger and it seems to just be getting better and better. :)



So are you gonna make a tape together or what?:D :bgrin2: