dealing with your OW's past.......

im 26 and my OW is 32.....i know that's not much of an age difference around here but im hoping someone can help me out. for some reason, im having a problem dealing with her past. its really nothing bad.....just the typical college parties, wild nights and old relationships. all of this happened years ago before we even knew each other existed. it's not that i trust or love her any less because of her life before me. but recently im beginning to feel that i won't be able to measure up to the willd parties with friends and/or the guys she dated before me. we were extremely open and honest with each other in the beginning about our past realtionships and coincidentally have had alot of the same experiences. she has no hangups about my life before her, so why am i worrying abut things that happened before we even met? is it an age/maturity issue? is it just an insecurity issue? i've talked to her about this before, but i fear that if i dont get over it i'll ruin the best thing to ever happen to me! if anyone can help me out with this i'd greatly appreciateit!

i don't even think this is an age gap issue. i'm only 27, barely your senior, and i've got more of a "history" than many people i know significantly older than me. people that date me have to deal with the same thing, i've done a lot in my life, and a lot of it was less than innocent, i adimt.

i've actually heard the line about not being able to live up to her past used about me before by guys, and it's really just not true. every time in life is different, every interpersonal relationship is different, every circumstance. you can't say one or the other is better or more interesting or needs to be lived up to, they're just different. that part of my life is over and my tastes and personal philsophies have changed over the years to varying degrees, and frankly i'm not even interested in that lifestyle anymore, personally.

don't worry about what she may have done or seen or try and somehow be better, just work to create your relationship to be the best it possibly can for it's own worth, in it's own way, and with the uniqueness of the two of you together. she has never had *this* relationship before or lived this part of her life, it's for you two alone to make into whatever you want. by doing that, you'll create something completely unique and interesting that will keep it's own place in her life rather than trying to compete with her past.

you just have to remember she is who she is *right now*, nothing more or less, and she accepts you in her life, right now.

-j

everything you both said makes perfect sense. actually, i have said simliar things to her about my past. but for some reason it's hard applying that concept to myself. i think at times i am waiting for the other shoe to drop simply because thats how things have always happened for me in the past. i do fear that i am subconciously sabotaging the best thing to ever happen to me. i know that this is all in my head and will all change as soon as i make the decision to change for myself. it's just hard, ya know? being open, honest and trustworthy with her was easy for me ....it's believing that someone is actually being open, honest and trustworthy with me is the problem. this is completely new for me but hopefully over time i will make the changes i need to make so we can be happy and share our lives together.

please forgive me if i ask a similar questions that's phrased differently in the future :p i might need alittle reassurance on this one. thankx for the input!

Hi Kev,

You asked it is a maturity issue or an insecurity issue...yes it is.

It is actually pretty common for a less experienced partner to worry if they can deal with their partner's past...or live up to it. Somehow those wild parties and past lovers always seem so intimidating, as if that is what she still wants. If it was she would still be partying and you would be with someone else.

Everyone has baggage. You can either punish her for having a life before she met you, or you can act like an adult and understand that she wants *you* not some one-night-stand. If you choose to beat her up with a past she can't change you can ruin your relationship. Then *you* will be the one with the past and maybe your next girlfriend will not think she can measure up to this hot older woman you used to be with. The door swings both ways, Kev. Just make sure that it doesn't hit you if it does.

You need to work big time on your issues with trusting her. If you can't, then your relationship doesn't stand the chance of a snowball in hell.

Peace,
BA

First of all - very wise words mel :) .

OK, its pretty much a given that if you're with an older woman, she has some sort of a past lol. Whether its a few ex husbands, kids, pets or whatever. But like jaye said, even alot of young women have histories, so thats beside the point. When a couple begins a relationship, "they" are starting "their history" from square one, from day one, from the beginning. Yes, its good to be open and honest and tell each other about your previous lives, but it shouldnt put a damper on your present happiness together. Just remember - she is with YOU right now because she WANTS to be. You shouldnt have to worry about living up to any previous guys. Just take the information for what it is - her being honest with you. I hope you appreciate her honesty as opposed to finding out about her past some other way.

Now, dont worry so much, just enjoy what you have!!!!!! :)

Southerngal

What BA said, you rock as usual Jane!

One more thing I forgot to say - sometimes its those histories and pasts that made us the women we are today!!!! :)

SG

i cant thank you all enough for your words. i think BA was painfully accurate in saying that i need to work on my issues with trusting her. my OW has given me no reason to worry....she's invested so much into this relationship and what she has shown is that she loves and cares for me deeply.

my problem is that i don't really know how to trust someone completely. how do you over look the bad experiences of your past and trust someone whole heartedly with your very heart and soul? how do you ignore the "what if..." thought's that hit you in the middle of the night?

is it really as easy as making a decision to trust and have faith in the love you share with someone?

Good morning Kev,

I understand your problems with trust and getting past all the pain of past experiences. I've been there and done that myself, but more important here is that my husband had to really work to let the past go. It took about 3 years before he finally looked at me one day and flat told me that he trusted me never to "turn on him." I was astounded that he as still been hanging onto worry and carrying it around all this time.

When I met him he thought that love meant eventual betrayal. The woman who says she loves you will turn on you, rip your heart out and make your life miserable. It was what he saw around him. I swear he had the most dysfunctional friends I've ever seen. They made him too afraid to even try to date. When you see friends being physically abused, police called, and breakups that were so ugly they could have been on Jerry Springer you worry a little more. It doesn't help that his parents are not in love and fight all the time.

He was honest with me about his worries. He didn't worry so much about my past as our future. We made an agreement, when he started to worry he would let me know and we would talk about it and work through it together. I've had him wake me in the wee hours needing a cuddle and some reassurance. It brought us closer together because we really learned how to communicate. He learned that it's okay for a man not to be sure all the time and that he can reach out rather than "be a man" and suck it up...while worrying even more. Even so, it took a long time to finally let it all go. Trust is easily broken, but hard to rebuild.

I suggest you and your lady talk honestly about your fears. Working through them as partners will really help your relationship and will let you get past those old issues of betrayal. Trust needs to be built brick by brick like a house. Once built it is very difficult for outside forces to destroy it. Why don't the two of you start digging the foundation for your house of trust? It will be the hardest, most rewarding work you can do together.

Peace,
BA