When can you use the term Long term Relationship

So here is my question at what point in the relationship can you say that you are in a long-term relationship?


1-2 years
3-5 years
6-10 years
More than 10 years

I voted more than 10 years. That's based on my upbringing around happily married couples married for life, and Catholic upbringing that taught divorce is a sin, and based on the laws in the state of California that say "10 or more years is a 'longterm' marriage".

But I think if a couple is married or otherwise together for 9 years and something happens to one of them (like a death or something), which ends the marriage, it's still going to be considered by me to be a long-term marriage.

I guess now that I'm thinking about it, I'd say "long term" is more than the 6 months to a year of "honeymoon" phase if once outside of that phase, the participants in that relationship are still as CONSISTENT as they were all along.

Hmm.... now I'm re-evaluating. I'm starting to think that my 7-month relationship (because of it's consistency) is long-term. Almost everyone else I have ever dated or been together with has changed so much after about month 4.

I voted 6 to 10. I was going to make some comments but I am tired.

lol Shiela,

Yeah Im tired too. I voted 6-10 too because most people always call the 1st 5 years the honeymoon stage. Just think of that 5 years of a honeymoon.

:thumbsup_still:

I think long-term relationships refer to anything beyond casual dating... I don't think it means "relationships that are likely to last forever" or anything.

I voted 1-2 years.

Now I know what I was going to say and it is kind of poetic...

It is never long enough if you are in love.

Poll's closed now but, were it still open, I'd have voted "3-5 years."

I generally put long term into a year or more. Relationships can be so precarious, so if you've got a year under your belt, you're doing pretty good.

Daniel

Poll's closed now but, were it still open, I'd have voted "3-5 years."
Me too. If you're still in love after the honeymoon phase, then it's the real thing for sure.

Well, milady and I have finally hit the four year mark this week! Hoping to go out tomorrow night.

Certainly, we have persevered through our share of situational stuff, with more to get through, I'm sure. But I'd say that four years definitely hits the 'long term' mark.

Daniel

I am going to say 5 years or more. We are going on 5.5 years together now. Started when he was 20, me 44. Our relationship is fantastic, and seems to only be getting better. I also don't post often because it doesn't seem that people want to hear about or talk about the relationships that work. I am responding to the "What's going on with Ageless" thread. I read A LOT of the threads, and am on everyday, but am intimidated by the strong points of view, so I don't post often.

Why do I think our relationship is so good?

1) We knew each other 2 years before things became romantic. When things did become romantic, we took things VERY slowly. 2years friends/3years relationship/2.5 years married now. total of over 7 years. What was the hurry?

2) He absolutely NEVER wanted babies. I knew this LONG before we became involved. This was my biggest worry early on. But he had made comments when we were just friends, to this affect, and has remained firm in this. This was the big deal breaker for me. I did NOT want more children.

3) We are both communicators. We express ourselves openly and honestly. We both realize that a good relationship requires great communication. He is even better at it than I am. Plus we know when to pick our battles. Not that there have been many.

4) We thoroughly enjoy each others company. Even those first 2 years when he was 18-20 and we were just friends (he worked in my home office), I was shocked to find how much I enjoyed his razor sharp wit, his ability to listen to what I (and others) are saying, and his willingness to give his opinion, or share his feelings, in an honest but kind way.

5) We make each other better. Since I have known and loved him, I have learned to be a softer, kinder person. Especially to myself. He loves me so completely and frequently will tell me why! He recognizes my strengths, (my 1st husband and my mother only pointed out and exploited my weaknesses, and that left me with a VERY hard edge), and I have flowered in the love and acceptance I get from him. From me he gets the consistant attention and loyalty of a woman past the "game playing" (his words) stage. Plus, he says he has learned his work ethic and goal setting from me (I am goal oriented and very successful in my home based business). He now works at AT&T and is moving up in the world there, quickly!

6) We make time for each other. We spend time together. Sometimes its TV time, sometimes WoW time, sometimes shopping or cooking dinner together time. We often agree our "best" time, is talking over the day, in bed. Just focused on each other (yes the sex is great), but I mean the giggling, laughing, sharing and focusing on each other that we do several times a week.

I do think we are past the "honeymoon" stage by now. But our understanding of each other, and our enjoyment and pride in each others accomplishments seems to be getting deeper.

There is my opinions and observations, and it is probably pretty boring in light of all the recent drama on the board.

Cheers, Nandara

I'm not sure that there's any distinct "time frame" here. I feel that, as long as you can say, "I still want to be with him (her) even though they do X, Y, or Z", you have a VERY good start.

Now, whether this revelation comes at 6 months, 6 years, or even 60 years depends on the couple, I would suppose.

Since I've moved up here in August and have been seeing my OM on a very regular basis, his habits have become, shall we say, VERY familiar. He's been very open from the start, but THIS is taking it to an extreme. I will not go into detail, but suffice it to say that the comfort level is definitely there. :)

We're at 2 years. Are we "long-term"? As far as I'm concerned, we are. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

And, as I lay in bed with him at night, I *do* think about this at times. It's more in the line of "you're damned lucky I can deal with you"...but, it's there.

I honestly don't see my outlook on this changing two, or twenty, years down the line.

Poll's closed now but, were it still open, I'd have voted "3-5 years."

I reopened the poll as this is a recent question again.

The thing is, around here, with so many of the most active members here because they are in the first blush of the AGR and so many don't make it, to get past a year is a pretty good things (and still be participating on this forum.)

In general, out IRL, maybe 5 or 6 years are "long term" but does long term mean a certain mile marker or does it mean that you intend for it to be long term, or are on the way to long term such as been living together for at least a few months.

I mean, is "long term" to not include a couple who have been living together for 2 years and have kids together, but DOES include a an OW/YM pair that have been FWBs for 6 years??

That doesn't make sense to me.

I'm sorry, but couple that don't live together and maybe have kids together just don't have nearly the issues that a couple that does.

...so I voted again:(

I voted the same answer I voted last time around;1-2 years. I've dated a lot of ladies for short periods of time (1-3 months), but when a relationship hits a year, then I consider it long term.

You've invested a year of your life. You've passed up a year's worth of opportunities to see other people because you see the special and unique qualities in your SO and want the relationship to last. You've celebrated and purchased gifts for eachother for a years worth of holidays and special occasions. And you've had a one year anniversary, rather than just a few week/month occasions.

I know that milady would disagree with me. Even after four years, she does not consider us to have been together for all that long. As evidenced by the responses here, different people feel differently regarding the definition of an LTR. I also think that long term may mean something different to diferent people due to different experiences; after a string of 2-4 month relationships, a one to two year relationship will seem like a very long time. On the other hand, to a person who has been married/in a relationship for over twenty years, one year is a drop in the bucket.

Daniel

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!


I voted originally for over 5 years and I still stick to that. So after almost two years I still dont consider it long tem, Clint sees it as long term though. I still think that the first five years are consider the "honeymoon phase" and that most relationships dont make it past the 7 year mark. I think those who fall apart after that are usually couples who try to make it work a bit longer past that mark and then it fails.

3-5 years.

I'm sorry, but couple that don't live together and maybe have kids together just don't have nearly the issues that a couple that does.

They may have other issues... I don't think it's a great idea to make generalizations like that. Well, people can if they want, but I disagree. What if I really wished I did live with him and have kids (this is just an example) but there were things in the way of that, for example? That's an issue. No matter how you slice it, statements like simply attempt to minimize other people's problems and that can't be justified.

A FWB situation is not a committed relationship, so it isn't really relevant to this discussion.

I was married. We were together for 8 years. I also lived with a fella for about 2 years a while before that. So I have cohabitated, and I'm here to tell y'all that my non-cohabitating relationship of 5 years is just as involved as those, in fact more so in some ways. It's not as though I have no experience with that sort of thing and am unable to come out and make that comparison.

I'm not sure why I am getting a lot of "your relationship isn't as (fill in the blank) as mine because of x" vibes around here lately. I even had the joy of reading "until you have kids, you don't know what love is" on here the other day. Wow, that's not judgmental or anything, nope.

I don't care, it doesn't affect me as a person, but it sure makes me start to understand some of the big departures happening around here lately. And I don't really feel like doing one of those but the competitiveness is getting a bit much around here lately.

There are two uses of LTR(god what a dumb term....excuse me, I would like a relationship for 38 days, no make that 38 weeks, no, um ya think I can go for 38 months?:rolleyes:)....when someone else uses it about you, and when you use it about yourself.

There are alot of people here that will not accept that we are a ltr...because of the size of our gap and the age when we got together. Sometimes it seems like they await with baited breath to hear that another vym:rolleyes:/ow relationship bit the dust to dance around singing I told you so. I have been told that it is just a phase, he will wake up one day and regret it, he doesn't know what he is doing, he is here for now....nevermind that the for now is 6 years!!! What do I get, well, it's "only" 6 years.:rolleyes: It used to be the 7 year itch, then the 2 year dump, now they take bets at weddings on if the reception will be paid for by the time of the divorce :yes:

WE think we are long-term. We plan an expensive vacation months away: and we fully expect that we will be going on it together. We buy furniture and decide just how long it will last against the dog. We budget money for home repairs. We make out legal documents with the other. We are the emergency contact for each other. All his mail comes to OUR home address. He has nothing at his parents house(s) that he needs....in fact you will only find anything of his that he left there YEARS ago. We are "mom and dad" to our furbabies. People at our jobs treat us as a couple. I am in his extended families "family picture". I have been told by my parents that he is "a keeper" and that I better treat him right or.....

We are in a relationship for the long-haul, we have had sickness and health, poorer and doing ok, for better days and worse days and both families know that if you want one of us, the other is going to be there too.

My take.............your mileage may vary.

They may have other issues... I don't think it's a great idea to make generalizations like that. Well, people can if they want, but I disagree. What if I really wished I did live with him and have kids (this is just an example) but there were things in the way of that, for example? That's an issue. No matter how you slice it, statements like simply attempt to minimize other people's problems and that can't be justified.

A FWB situation is not a committed relationship, so it isn't really relevant to this discussion.

I was married. We were together for 8 years. I also lived with a fella for about 2 years a while before that. So I have cohabitated, and I'm here to tell y'all that my non-cohabitating relationship of 5 years is just as involved as those, in fact more so in some ways. It's not as though I have no experience with that sort of thing and am unable to come out and make that comparison.

I'm not sure why I am getting a lot of "your relationship isn't as (fill in the blank) as mine because of x" vibes around here lately. I even had the joy of reading "until you have kids, you don't know what love is" on here the other day. Wow, that's not judgmental or anything, nope.

I don't care, it doesn't affect me as a person, but it sure makes me start to understand some of the big departures happening around here lately. And I don't really feel like doing one of those but the competitiveness is getting a bit much around here lately.

You're right Pink. I honestly didn't understand why there would be a need. But you've answered that. I didn't have any issues when Jeremy had his own place that I would feel needed a special forum (I still don't honestly) but I could kind of see more issues arising with blended families and living together. It definitely wasn't meant to be competitive :no: & I'm sorry it came off that way!

Really, I'm just trying to establish a need for the LTR forum and who it is that needs it. Even though it came off as competitive or demeaning to you it really wasn't the intent and was not at the heart of my comments at all!! :o

(People leaving is people taking things the wrong way without clarification or assuming the worst about people or letting other people's beliefs unreasonably bother them or being overly defensive or sensitive and making drastic steps and storming off, IMO.)

I even had the joy of reading "until you have kids, you don't know what love is" on here the other day. Wow, that's not judgmental or anything, nope.
In what context was it said, though?

It's one thing to tell a pregnant woman who is looking forward to her first child that - as in an exagerated way of expressing how different and intense that kind of love is and another to tell someone who says they love someone that - as in a way to tell them they don't know what they are talking about because they don't have kids.

How was it being expressed?

Kristin, I think that the mere fact that this forum is rarely ever utilized tells us that it just isn't needed.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!


I voted originally for over 5 years and I still stick to that. So after almost two years I still dont consider it long tem, Clint sees it as long term though.

Interestingly, milady has the same opinion that you do; four years is not yet long term, but I feel that it is, much as Clint sees yours as long term. Heck,I considered she and I long term at two years. I wonder if it more of a guy thing to feel that a year to two years is long term.

Daniel

Kristin, I think that the mere fact that this forum is rarely ever utilized tells us that it just isn't needed.
True, but most people want to keep it for some reason?:confused:

I didn't have any issues when Jeremy had his own place that I would feel needed a special forum (I still don't honestly) but I could kind of see more issues arising with blended families and living together. It definitely wasn't meant to be competitive :no: & I'm sorry it came off that way!

Really, I'm just trying to establish a need for the LTR forum and who it is that needs it. Even though it came off as competitive or demeaning to you it really wasn't the intent and was not at the heart of my comments at all!! :o


I'm not quite sure what the intent of this section was, but I'm guessing that some people felt there might be issues arising from 'long-term' relationships specifically that could be addressed here and not get lost in relationship support? Things like... I dunno... keeping the spark? Merging finances? I think lots of these things come with living together, but not everything does.

If we're going to set up sections based on what the issues seem to be in different types of relationships, then I think it could get messy. Religious people might feel they have specific issues. Interracial couples might. We could have an avalanche of new sections!

I think people with long-term relationships often post their threads in relationship support anyway!

PS. I answered the poll and said 1-2 years. I've always personally felt that it is a long-term relationship at 2 years, but I'm not sure why if I'm honest.

Interestingly, milady has the same opinion that you do; four years is not yet long term, but I feel that it is, much as Clint sees yours as long term. Heck,I considered she and I long term at two years. I wonder if it more of a guy thing to feel that a year to two years is long term.

Daniel

For me, being with someone comes in stages.

The first year, is the year of discovery.

The second year is the year of becoming adjusted to having two voices instead of 1, you start to blend your lives together. Everthing is still roses and spring time. Power and who has more say are usually decided here.

It's the romantic love stage.


The third year is becoming secure and accustomed to all the habits and new traditions that have been introduced into your life and you usually start to plan for things during the third year.

For me this is the welcome to reality stage because the romance of the first two years isnt quite so overpowering anymore, you dont sleep like siamese twins like you did in the beginning though you still touch, youre not at work staring blankly at your pc monitor because you were distracted by a stray thought of your last date. lol

The arguements are now more important and usually involve the blended finances that were blended the year before. Things about being blended are still being worked out but things are moving more smoothly and youre still at it like bunnies when you can find the time around everything else.



The fourth Year youre comfortable and the surprises are few and any planning that happened in the before year come around, most peoples finances are completely blended, they live together and share responsibilities of either raising a family, or having a baby, or have bought a pet together. Words most often used during this phase are "comfortable". So its the Im so comfortable around him stage. Around this time anything that was planned during year two that hasnt come to pass gets argued about, whether its a new job, school, vacations...the realization that one of the partners might not follow through on certain promises come to light, things get worked out, arguements get rehashed, the rose color glasses are starting to come off. Most stick around and some cant deal with the rose color glasses coming off, they were hooked on the romance of it all and some relationships end.

and by year five the relationship has reached a level where you really know the other person and feel completely comfortable. You know their faults and they know yours and you look at all the work that you have put into the relationship, all the love, tears, anger, sadness, joy and you weight it against the arguements. You have reached a level where you just know how that person would react to financial trouble, a sickness in the family, a family squabble, the joy of something great, the car breaking down, dealing with children, those type of things. Also they have seen you ill, might have cared for you while youre ill and vise verca, theyve seen you without make up, and for him, he isnt trying to not burp, fart, or swear in front of you anymore. Oh JOY. :rolleyes: In fact, any of the before mentioned little things might actually be funny to him now.and farting and burping in front of you might have him laughing on the floor,..oh greater joy. Those little things that you found cute during the first two years are now wearing thin but you choose to love him anyways instead of put a pillow over his head for the snoring (just an example) and he decides that as much as he hates those panty hose hanging all over the shower to dry and the fact that you leave your bra on the bed or sometimes tucked somewhere in the sofa isnt such a big deal. In other words, by this stage, you know each other so well, you dont have to ask what he would like to go eat anymore, or what type of pants he likes to wear, or if he wants to go with you to visit Aunt Bruhilda who always rubs her whiskered cheek on him when she kisses him hello, you already KNOW.

So yeart five for me is the You already Know stage the good, the bad and the ugly and some people dont make it past this stage because they realize that, that person is not for them, some people feel they have invested too much, time, money, sweat, love, tears and keep working at it and some the lucky ones are still very much in love and know it will continue to last.

These are just MY personal stages of perception when it comes to relationships, I in no way would say that these are concrete in any way shape or form and they would differ on not just the people but the circumstances and most assuredly I would assume that they are different for men too.

Unfortunately, the majority of the members here have been together under 5 years. So we need to use a different set of standards to determine an "AgelessLove long term." :yes:

I think that most dating relationships are less than three years, regardless of ages and age ranges. Many are shorter than a year.

Daniel

You're right Pink. I honestly didn't understand why there would be a need. But you've answered that. I didn't have any issues when Jeremy had his own place that I would feel needed a special forum (I still don't honestly) but I could kind of see more issues arising with blended families and living together. It definitely wasn't meant to be competitive :no: & I'm sorry it came off that way!

Really, I'm just trying to establish a need for the LTR forum and who it is that needs it. Even though it came off as competitive or demeaning to you it really wasn't the intent and was not at the heart of my comments at all!! :o

(People leaving is people taking things the wrong way without clarification or assuming the worst about people or letting other people's beliefs unreasonably bother them or being overly defensive or sensitive and making drastic steps and storming off, IMO.)


Sorry if I did come off as defensive. And I know it looked that way because I was quoting you, but the "competitive" statement I made actually wasn't directed at you at all, and I apologize that it looked that way!! :)

Can we just say that you can post in the LTR section as soon as you are in a mutually committed age gap relationship?

Basically, for the purposes of Ageless, if you both have decided to "go for it" and are at the point where you consider yourself just a "relationship" now instead of freaking out about the age gap, you are considered an "Ageless Long Term Relationship" and qualify to post in this area!

I think most of us who would post here are just past the "What will he think of me naked?" and "Am I stealing his youth?" and "What will his family think?" stages.

I don't know...maybe it's because I don't have kids or haven't been "living with" my bf, but there's something about all of this that seems "off" to me.

Does this all truly matter?

Discussions like this one bring back bad memories of another forum I was on, where someone actually had the gall to accuse me of "being jealous because she was married". While the gory details of that fiasco are better left unsaid here, I'm almost feeling the same message with this thread.

Are we trying to make a list of criteria for what "makes a relationship"? Or, better yet, is this forum, as a whole, trying to do so?

If a "relationship" comes from living together and having kids, or being married, I, for one, would rather just continue to do what I do now, which is chatting with people, from varying backgrounds, and taking what they say as it applies to my circumstance.

I think that it's foolish to put a "time limit" or any sort of empirical standard on all of this.

That's pretty much why I didn't like "long term" because it apparently had a time limit.

And not a realistic one for these boards because most of our members have been together less than 5 years - so what is not considered to be a long time together IRl is a decent time here at ageless.

But, again, like I told Pink, the discussion isn't to determine if other relationships are valid or not - it's to determine whether or not we need this forum. Note that you are posting in the Long Term Relationships forum. Hence the discussion.

This area has been very slow because people don't think they qualify for "long term" so we are trying to either define what we mean by "lomg term" on Ageless or just 86 this forum altogether because there is no need!

I don't think it's just about the fact that people are confused as to what constitutes "long-term." I think it's like a couple of others said on another thread -- they are now living every day life and there's really just not much to post about. People tend to post in the other forums, ex. Relationship Support or LDR, because they need support or advice. Those in LTRs are living their dreams, and of course, experiencing the usual frustrations that life together in one space can result in. But, they really don't have a need to discuss issues pertaining to being in an LTR like they do in other sections.

That's true, Kat.

Or they just post their issue right out in the Relationship threads and don't think to put it here.

I know I always did that.

Wedding threads, baby thread, moving in together threads, he won't do chores threads - are all perfect posts for here, but they usually end up in Chit Chat or Relationships.