Older woman, married :(

Ok so this is the first time I've posted on here, and its a long one, so please bare with me.

I met my older woman (40) when i was 18, she worked at the same place as me, we got chatting, and after I got to know her, we took things slowly onto a physical level.

We have now been together for 1 year, the problem is, she's still married, and lives with her husband. He knows about me having a relationship with her, but he just puts up with it. I wish she would come and be with me, but i don't have anywhere to live at the moment and she says i'll chance and get bored of her because im at that age, im saving up as we speak for my first place.

She says that she does not plan any future with me, as she things one day i'll want someone younger so i can have children, and go off with my mates and she says i'll want to do what 19 year olds do.

One problem we have, is that I used to work with her, in a shop, and since then I've moved to a factory, as here i earn double and can save for my start in life. I carried on working at this shop with her, but after a few months i wanted to leave, as it was getting too much and i wanted to spend time with my friends. She wont let me leave, and she says if i start going out with my firends then its over.

She's addmitted she's worried about me finding someone younger, and leaving her. But i just enjoy being with my friends, and i love comming back to her.

What should i do. I love this girl, i love taking her out, i love her kids, and being all together. I also love going out with my friends at the weekend. She says i can't have both, I choose her, or my friends.

I just dont know what to do, i love this woman, and being with her, and cuddleing her, but i love being with my friends. Its got to the stage where i go round to see them without telling her, just because i know she'll start about it.

Sorry for the long post,

Andy

She's married mate.

Until that changes, you can wonder all you like. She's insecure too, that doesn't bode well.

Plus she says she doesn't plan any future with you, that should tell you all you need to know.


I don't mean to sound harsh, but you'd be more gainfully employed finding somebody who actually wants to be with you.



micky

Amen to the above post.

WARNING!! I'm not going to have anything nice to say here.

To summarize my feelings on this:

-- She is selfish and wants everything "her way"
-- She expects you to accept she's married, but she cannot accept you have friends (see above statement)
-- She controlling you with ultimatums (that's not love)
-- She is married and telling you there isn't a future, yet demands you chose between her and your friends? (did I mention selfish?)

Love and healthy relationships require "give and take" on both sides. It appears she is doing all the "taking" and you are doing all the "giving" here!

You are young. Please look in the mirror and realize that you deserve love, respect, trust, mutual committment and all this without the constraints of utlimatums from an insecure woman who is using you to inflate her own ego.

Sorry, that might sound harsh, but it just p!sses me off to see someone my age doing this to a young soul. Tell her to get over herself and that you have a right to have "friends" as much as she has the right to stay married!

Sweetie, this is YOUR life ....take it back and live it the way you want. There will be others to "cuddle". Do not sacrifice your personal freedom to someone who isn't giving you 100% of themselves. When things become this unbalanced, it's time to draw some hard lines in the sand and stick to your guns. If she was "worth it" she'd get her own life straight and quit trying to control yours so much.:mad:

Perhaps she feels threatened by the fact that you are with your friends (I assume they are your age). Perhaps she sees that being out with your mates, presents opportunities to meet women your own age.

Either way, it is very insecure of her. I am 46 and RELISH my time with my friends and would want my partner to be with his friends and pursue his own interests outside of the relationship.

Maybe you should take more time and allow her to build trust in you. It seems a bit ironic though that she wouldn't want you to spend time with your mates, while she goes home to her husband. She's married, and I caution you on that point.

Good luck!

The fact that she won't get out of her marriage speaks volumes to the way she feels about you. As an outsider, it sounds like she is using you completely. Seriously, why shouldn't she be thrilled??? She's got a husband that most likely helps support her financially, she has a younger man on the side, she is controlling what you do and with whom, while she doesn't have to give up anything at all. I'm sure in her eyes, she has it made.

Please get out. Let her look u you up when she leaves her husband and stops being so controlling.

She's married mate.

Until that changes, you can wonder all you like. She's insecure too, that doesn't bode well.

Plus she says she doesn't plan any future with you, that should tell you all you need to know.


I don't mean to sound harsh, but you'd be more gainfully employed finding somebody who actually wants to be with you.



micky

::: points up ::: what he said.

I can hardly believe this is 4real!!!

What an arrogant, controlling woman! I agree, she is using you, and you are letting her. This is obviously in your life for you to learn a lesson. You don't let people tell you what to do; you particularly don't let them control who you see and when, ESPECIALLY when they are with someone else!

You might not recognize it, but this has all the markings of an emotionally abusive relationship. She is trying to control you, and she's getting away with it. I suspect it has something to do with the OW/YM dynamic, but more so just your personality vs. hers. It's just wrong, and the sooner you realize it, the better.

Agreed with everyone else, but I also noticed one other thing. Apparently she's allowing her kids to spend time with her boyfriend while she's still married and living with their dad. That's just a huge character issue, IMO. On top of all the other character issues I see here, this doesn't look like someone who's really worth your time or energy, despite your apparent attachment to her.

I can hardly believe this is 4real!!!



It's not like you to abbreviate hunny! Am I rubbing off on you?:tongue2:

This woman has a weird set of morals. She disrespects her husband by cheating on him with you, and being so shameless that he knows about it. This by itself would not be as bad except for the fact that she is doing it just for fun because she told you she sees no future with you.

You are so young, you do not want a jealous husband ruining your reputation at work, specially now that you have better opportunities. Start thinking about leaving this situation. It is not positive from any angle.

This woman has a weird set of morals. She disrespects her husband by cheating on him with you, and being so shameless that he knows about it. This by itself would not be as bad except for the fact that she is doing it just for fun because she told you she sees no future with you.



Very good point.

What exactly do YOU get out of this relationship?

She has told you that yall have no future.

She won't divorce her husband.

She won't let you have any friends.

It sounds like you're not getting a very great deal out of this one. I'd say it's time to make a list of the pro and cons and realize that the cons outweight the pros. Then it's time to tell her that you've chosen your friends.

Anyone who will ask you to choose...usually isn't worth picking.

Nadine.

Well her kids know about are relationship, They come out for days with us, and she's told her daughter everything.

Her Husband just puts up with anything, she's told him we've kissed, and he know's shes with me to 4am some nights, but he doesnt say anything, in fact, when he gets a day off work he can't wait to take her out.

What really made me see the other side, when we were argueing the other day, as she was saying, i wasnt making any effort. She said to me, "I cuddle up to him every night, so what do i need you for" Just broke my heart, in that sentence.

I know they have a limited sex life, and don't kiss, he has actually told me this, but there close in other ways.

Anyway, we chatted on the phone tonight, we've decided to give it a one month break and see how we both feel. I would imagine that this will be it, just got that heart ache feeling even though i know it was not what i wanted.

What do i get out of it? A gorgous beautiful women, who i can cuddle, kiss, take out, make her laugh, see her gorgoeous smile, and make love to. Not many people are interested in me in this way, for example i'd never been with anyone for 18 years :(

What do i get out of it? A gorgous beautiful women, who i can cuddle, kiss, take out, make her laugh, see her gorgoeous smile, and make love to. Not many people are interested in me in this way, for example i'd never been with anyone for 18 years :(

With regards to the bolded statement...You're 19!!! It's ok to not have been with anyone.

Ok...so you've got this beautiful woman...but ask yourself this...

Can she stay the night with you? The whole night?

Can you stay the night at her house? No? Why not? Oh....right...her husband.

If all you're getting out of this is a gorgeous, beautiful woman...who you can cuddle, kiss...ect. ect....that can be found with a different woman.

You haven't said anything about her personality or how she treats you....her character. You just described a living, breathing barbie doll. And while that's fun now....what happens later?

If you're happy with your relationship...far be it for us to tell you to leave her. That's a choice you've got to make on your own. But it sounds like to us that you're not completely happy...and you deserve to be.

You're young...you have plenty of time to find the perfect woman. One who isn't still committed to another man. One who won't force you to choose between you and your friends. One who can actually go out with you and your friends...one in which you can have friends together with!

There's so much more out there. I hope someday you realize that.

Nadine.

With regards to the bolded statement...You're 19!!! It's ok to not have been with anyone.

Ok...so you've got this beautiful woman...but ask yourself this...

Can she stay the night with you? The whole night?

Can you stay the night at her house? No? Why not? Oh....right...her husband.

If all you're getting out of this is a gorgeous, beautiful woman...who you can cuddle, kiss...ect. ect....that can be found with a different woman.

You haven't said anything about her personality or how she treats you....her character. You just described a living, breathing barbie doll. And while that's fun now....what happens later?

If you're happy with your relationship...far be it for us to tell you to leave her. That's a choice you've got to make on your own. But it sounds like to us that you're not completely happy...and you deserve to be.

You're young...you have plenty of time to find the perfect woman. One who isn't still committed to another man. One who won't force you to choose between you and your friends. One who can actually go out with you and your friends...one in which you can have friends together with!

There's so much more out there. I hope someday you realize that.

Nadine.

:1appl:
Listen to the words above. Seriously man, you are 19, the world is just opening its doors for you. Enjoy life, you deserve more. By the way, if you like older women, it is ok, just make sure she is not married, and make sure she loves you for the valuable person you are.

I find her personallty very attractive, i like the way she thinks, and i think shes a nice person.

But as she often says, " i need to know your thinking about me all the time...." she sometimes compares me to her husband, and she'll say "***** doesnt do that...." This really gets to me, and she does treat me bad.

Its weighting me down, and shes said, she doesnt know what the future will bring, but she'd never promise me a future. But no, in the last 12 months i've never ever spent one night with her :(

:1appl:
Listen to the words above. Seriously man, you are 19, the world is just opening its doors for you. Enjoy life, you deserve more. By the way, if you like older women, it is ok, just make sure she is not married, and make sure she loves you for the valuable person you are.

Looking at your sig, you have the same age gap as mine. Can i ask, Do you have children together? One thing that worries me is that if we did get together she may be too late for children :(

Its 4,44am here, the sun is comming up, i heard the birds singing, and i wish we were in bed together. the thought i may never have that with this girl, makes my heart ache.

Just dont want to go to bed knowing its like this :(

The fact that she won't get out of her marriage speaks volumes to the way she feels about you. As an outsider, it sounds like she is using you completely. Seriously, why shouldn't she be thrilled??? She's got a husband that most likely helps support her financially, she has a younger man on the side, she is controlling what you do and with whom, while she doesn't have to give up anything at all. I'm sure in her eyes, she has it made.

Please get out. Let her look u you up when she leaves her husband and stops being so controlling.

I really don't know if that speaks volumes....I think maybe you should look at the insecurities that she has got because of her hubby...BEEN THERE DONE THAT...sometimes being thrilled is a damn scary thing...especially when it is all that you know...I don't mean to start...but, please think sh** through before you say...you don't know what this woman is going through....and that is a little unsettling for me!!!

Naw...it isn't worth it....you all need to think some stuff through before your words damage a great relationship....I don't come here much anymore, because this site has become the biggest bit* fest....it's just a lil disappointing.....does anyone out there think that perhaps, since this stuff isn't really accepted that maybe we should support others? Or has that gone out the window and everyone here is so secure.....I'm lost for words....this is complete bullsh*t....and I'm glad everyone here judges.....isn't life funny....but remember next time you are in the grocery store with you love.....what is going through their mind is...wow...that mother and SON... must be really close....sorry I'm pissed....think about it...gawd

sorry you are feeling angry, but I think you miss the point that people are making to you. most of what ppl have said to you here don't have anything to do with an age gap. they are trying to protect you from a woman who is not treating you well....the way you deserve to be.

think about it.

Sorry to sound callous, mate, but you need to grow a pair and tell this woman to hit the road. You're only 19 and she is playing you like a violin. She's your first so it's only natural that you're a little whipped. But pleae BELIEVE ME... there are women in this world who are gorgeous, brilliant, witty, sexy - AND AVAILABLE. But you're tethered to this married woman with a twisted set of values and, until you give yourself time - significant time (none of this "it's been three weeks and I still miss her!" stuff) - to heal, you're going to stay stuck in this "why me" rut.

Why in the world should she change? She's got you at her beck and call and she's got her husband at home - both of you tolerating this tripe. And she treats you poorly when it suits her!

Hmmm...sapep i'm not sure what youre saying...are you saying his relationship is a GREAT relationship? hes not getting what he needs or deserves from it, obviously. hes hurting. love shouldnt hurt, it should feel good, make you feel like a BETTER person...not like less...

I agree with most of the advice here...he needs someone who will love him totally and love him for who he is, no matter what age she is. i dont care about ANYBODY'S AGES. i'm really gonna go out on a limb and say something here...but to me, from what the OP has written, shes a woman who gives OTHER women a bad name, and can really damage this guy's beliefs and feelings towards women for a long time. sorry, that's just my feelings on it.

i know he cares so much for her, but there is someone out there who will love him totally.

I find her personallty very attractive, i like the way she thinks, and i think shes a nice person.

But as she often says, " i need to know your thinking about me all the time...." she sometimes compares me to her husband, and she'll say "***** doesnt do that...." This really gets to me, and she does treat me bad.

Please tell me what is so attractive and nice about this sort of personality. I don't care if she isn't always this way. A nice person with an attractive heart NEVER acts this way.

andyuk,

She has pretty much told you that there is NO future, she will not leave her husband, she doesnt want you to go out with your friends or else it's over, she doesnt want you to get a better job because then you will be out of her sight...Why exactly do you want to be with her again?

I dont care if she's older than you or just your age any woman that would treat her lover like that isnt in LOVE with him but feels that she owns him..like a toy, like a pet.

Youre statement that you havent been with anyone in 18 years considering that youre 19 is silly, I mean really. If you had said Im 35 and havent been with anyone in the last 15 years than yeah I can see your point but dude youre just starting out and to have had 1 lover at 19 is not bad.

You said that you have spoken to her husband, it seems like you too are atleast cordial, if you are..ask him this..How many times has she had a lover while married to him. You just might be one of many dude, and if you are you need to run and find yourself a woman who will do right by you.

should be a place of support...not a place of judging...but what the hell do I know...I'm going on my third too, I'm 37 my husband just turned 20...stick in there..

Naw...it isn't worth it....you all need to think some stuff through before your words damage a great relationship....I don't come here much anymore, because this site has become the biggest bit* fest....it's just a lil disappointing.....does anyone out there think that perhaps, since this stuff isn't really accepted that maybe we should support others? Or has that gone out the window and everyone here is so secure.....I'm lost for words....this is complete bullsh*t....and I'm glad everyone here judges.....isn't life funny....but remember next time you are in the grocery store with you love.....what is going through their mind is...wow...that mother and SON... must be really close....sorry I'm pissed....think about it...gawd

Yes, I can see it clearly now! Thank you for pointing out how GREAT this young man has it!! I'm sure everyone on this board has their flaws, but the only thing I see here is people telling this young man that he deserves better. I left a controlling husband years ago and I KNOW how hard it is. I don't even want to hear the excuses that people come up with for trying to have their cake and eat it too!

How exactly is this young man fairing so well here?!

He has a lover who goes home to a husband, tells him they have NO FUTURE TOGETHER and then demands he not have a social life or even try to get a better job because of "her" insecurities!!!

What is he to her? .... a friggin PET to keep on a leash until SHE is ready to PLAY!? I don't give a rat's rear about a grown woman who should know better than to jack a young man around and cry "insecurity" and "whoa is me".

Her being married has nothing to do with treating him like he has no rights to build friendships, get a better job or become independent from her groin. Who died and made her God I ask? And why are you taking offense to something that has nothing to do with you?

I'm not going to sugar coat what I see as a very unfair, unbalanced situation. If she just wanted to have a lover on the side, that's her business I guess. But when she starts making demands on him and excersing power in his life...... when he has no power in hers........ then I feel obligated to express my viewpoint here. If that disappoints you, then so be it!

She says i can't have both, I choose her, or my friends.



ummm this is just not right.

i really do empathize with you, you sound really sincere and i'm sorry that she's putting you through this...

but, on the other hand, you have to remember that she is married and that means it is not meant to be...(at least that is my belief) and, if it were me, i would be afraid that being with her would give me bad karma.

I admire you for the way that you love her. It takes great courage to deal with the opinions of other people when it comes to this type of relationship. However....she doesn't seem to be as devoted to you. She's still married. Problem #1. I mean, yeah.......she tells you that upfront that nothing will come of the 2 of you because she doesn't want you to sell yourself short (ie...kids) And that's admirable.....However, having said that, then why can she force you into an ultimatum of her or your friends? It doesn't make sense.

Go off with your friends. Live your life. Be with her if she will allow you to. Always keep in mind (and you may want to tell her this as well).......We never know how things will turn out in a relationship, do we? Yet we struggle on.....

Peace 2 u.

Lynn

should be a place of support...not a place of judging...but what the hell do I know...I'm going on my third too, I'm 37 my husband just turned 20...stick in there..

I haven't seen anyone not be supportive to this guy. How is telling someone that they deserve to be treated better not supportive????

It has nothing to do with her being married or whatnot. She's a controlling b*tch who treats him like crap.

Are we supposed to support bad or abusive relationships just because there is an age gap???

I don't think so.

Sweetie Your being treated like DIRT! plain and simple. THis woman who is married, states Well I am not serious about you. Her husband knows..SO she says. Have you asked him? I bet you he really has no idea...maybe using you to make her husband jealous. THEN!!! Tells you that you cant have friends? Well she cant have you then and her HUSBAND. She to me is a complete full out selfish and utter mean person (no I wont use ***** as that seems to nice) Your not a door mat hun or her little play toy. You're a man who needs and wants to be loved. You are someone who is hard working and has set gouls to better yourself!

Why should she go home to a husband while you sit and wait for the crumbs??? Why should you have to give up your life with your friends because she tells you to...HMM if thats the case I would say SEE ya and dont let the door hit you in the bum!

She should not be taking her kids and letting you fall in love with them as well..its not fair to you NOR them. THEN tell you not to expect NOTHING. SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH and might I add cold hearted to do this to you all.

OMG hun HUGS to you...You need a nice loving person..not a selfish witch!
GOOD LUCK!!

I haven't seen anyone not be supportive to this guy. How is telling someone that they deserve to be treated better not supportive????

It has nothing to do with her being married or whatnot. She's a controlling b*tch who treats him like crap.

Are we supposed to support bad or abusive relationships just because there is an age gap???

I don't think so.

I Agree! if someone is being treated like dog crap full out ..im saying something..I dont support someone being treated like crap

This is so sad. To take a ym of just 19 and screw his mind up like this at this point in his life...the baggage is going to enormous for the next woman in your life to erase and replenish with love and understanding. But she will love you in kind and will be up for the task.

A person who doesn't give a rat's arse about her own family's moral fiber or her own, will not give dilleysquat about you. Do you understand that? She doesn't hold herself or her kids to any bar of standards so that she and her kids have the self respect they will need to hold up against the outside world and its judgements of them. They will always live life in a hole, and the kids are learning the valueless of relationships and people from these parents who have no value in themselves.

That's the saddest part of this whole situation. And now you're letting this woman drag you down to her own pit, because somewhere in your mind you have allowed HER to also believe that you're a that piece of gum stuck to the bottom of her shoes, therefore, you deserve her values and nothing better. She shows you pieces of herself, her smile, her personality, her laugh that you love so much (lame) because she KNOWS that as a ym, you have no other prior experience you can measure HER with,therefore, you will not recognize the scale she's measured you on. She knew that once she has you hooked, she can demand of you whatever she wants. All she had to do was be your friend, and starve you in emotions, so that when you were ready to have that leash around your neck tighten, she could hooked you...hook, line and stinker.

And because you have no other prior relationship experience, believe me she knew what she was doing. This isn't a nice woman, and I'm sorry to read that as your first OW experience, you are being blindsighted by a woman who has no clue of the meaning of unconditional love, respect, integrity, devotion. She can't give it to a husband who should be demanding this (and getting tested himself) as the title of husband he deserves more, (which tells me you're not the first and he just care anymore), WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SHE'LL GIVE IT TO YOU...A MERE 19 YR WHO OWES HER NOTHING BUT TO BE IN THAT PIT WITH HER.

I'm betting you're not the first ym she's been with or the last...I would get myself tested for std, if I were you.

Paris

This is so sad. To take a ym of just 19 and screw his mind up like this at this point in his life...the baggage is going to enormous for the next woman in your life to erase and replenish with love and understanding. But she will love you in kind and will be up for the task.

And because you have no other prior relationship experience, believe me she knew what she was doing. This isn't a nice woman, and I'm sorry to read that as your first OW experience, you are being blindsighted by a woman who has no clue of the meaning of unconditional love, respect, integrity, devotion. She can't give it to a husband who should be demanding this (and getting tested himself) as the title of husband he deserves more, (which tells me you're not the first and he just care anymore), WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SHE'LL GIVE IT TO YOU...A MERE 19 YR WHO OWES HER NOTHING BUT TO BE IN THAT PIT WITH HER.

I'm betting you're not the first ym she's been with or the last...I would get myself tested for std, if I were you.

Paris
Although I do not think your future is as hopeless as IParis forecasts, I do think you are not her first affair. I think that the fact that you are young will give you the strength to survive this first mistake and move on.

Being young has nothing to do with this. There are good examples in this forum of young men who have been appreciated by an older woman.

I, like you, had never been kissed until I was 17, (never had sex until I was 18) and by then I felt I was the only girl on earth who had never had a bf. I was so eager to finally found love that I gave my first kiss to a man who felt No Love for me and only wanted to seduce me. Thank God I did not fall for him completely but almost...

Looking at your sig, you have the same age gap as mine. Can i ask, Do you have children together? One thing that worries me is that if we did get together she may be too late for children :(
I cannot have children anymore. Him and I have discussed this and he accepts this unfortunate fact. We will either adopt, or just not have any kids.

Andy,

I saw you online and wanted to give you a virtual ((hug)) this morning. You've gotten some good (and passionate) advice here from women who obviously think the same thing..... that you are a great guy and deserve so much more than this.

I know you are hurting, inlove, and feel like you need to hold on to this woman. It's understandable because of your inexperience. I just wanted to say this again to you.

This isn't love honey. This is called "control and manipulation" by someone who should know better and is just plain mean-spirited if ask me. I suspect she knows you having friends in your life will give you an outside voice of reason that this will end her little game.

Give yourself some distance here from the situation and go out with your friends. Please realize that what she is doing here isn't love, and there will be another woman in your future will WILL show you different......IF you close this door and allow yourself to heal. You don't have to cut her off completely, but please step back enough to see how wrong this behavior is.

She is on a power trip, which borderlines abusive. I suspect this woman is so full of it, that if you "called her bluff" and did what you wanted here....she'd be crying and waiting on your doorstep like a little kid. You are so worried about losing her, but people like this usually hang on forever. YOU have more power than you realize. She's not going anywhere until you tell her to p!ss off hun....which I personally hope you do.

Consider it a lesson learned and say "I chose ME first here"...... go out and meet new people, seek a better career opportunity and real love will find you in time.

Do something nice for yourself today, something positive....
:bighug:

Gypsy

I agree, this woman is using you and controlling you for her own kicks, she seems to get off on having this power over you and she sounds selfish and thoroughly unpleasant.

In addition she is not single and has indicated that she has no intention of committing to you in any way.

Please do yourself a favour and walk away from her now, cut the contact and let yourself heal from this experience. You have plenty of time to find the right person, someone who will give as well as take, someone who will care about you and your feelings. Please, do not waste your time on someone like this woman.

I agree with most of the other posters. This woman has serious issues and doesn't seem to really care about the young man. But what I am scratching my head about is sapep's posts. WTF????? I must have missed something here............:confused:

Thankyou for all your repkys, one thing i worry about is her kids, ive spend so much time with them, especailly her 12 year old daughter, and i've grown very fond of her.

This is another problem i'm finding:(

Thankyou for all your repkys, one thing i worry about is her kids, ive spend so much time with them, especailly her 12 year old daughter, and i've grown very fond of her.

This is another problem i'm finding:(
I think that your presence is doing more harm than good to those children. They are learning to grow attached to the man that is having intimacy with their mother who happens to be married to their dad. What lesson are they learning at such an early age? That marriage and commitment have no value.

Unless this woman decides soon to divorce and be your girlfriend out in the open in a dignified manner, not imposing her insecurities on you, I cannot but suspect that you are only a toy for her.

I think that you should state your concerns in a firm manner and give her, and you, a deadline to decide all this.

My Heart broke a little for you as I read this...

If only we could pick the people we fell in love with...

She sounds like an interesting woman... funny, attractive...

But there are some worries others here have mentioned...

And, I have to admit, I wondered about a woman who is out to 4am with another man while her kids are at home and her husband sleeps alone in their bed...

I don't know her side and will respectfully say the following to you...

Opening your heart is never a mistake. Please learn from what you have discovered...

You have already distanced yourself in some ways by moving jobs hun... in one way or another, you already know that what you feel for her is not being returned in the same way...

From what you have said, she is in no hurry to break up her family. I am curious how she explains the morality of being with another man around her children...

She has some serious complications in her life.

Please find the strength to make a break for yourself. It's corny but the following really dies ring true ...
if you love someone set them free...if they come back it was meant to be

We will be here to help you hun...

Be braver than she is able to be for herself right now, and love her enough to let her go...

Mostly, love yourself enough to give yourself some breathing room...

I wish you all things wonderful

-F

"She said to me, "I cuddle up to him every night, so what do i need you for" Just broke my heart, in that sentence."

Aw.:(
I am sorry, I think that was needlessly cruel. I think she is manipulating you by devaluing you. It breaks you down and you end up accepting things on her terms. Don't kid yourself, she knows EXACTLY what she is doing. The complate lack of regard she is having for your needs and feelings stuns me.

Clearly you have an attachment. Perhaps you can look for ways to try and dilute it. Go out with your friends, occupy yourself as best you can. If you can step back and detach some, you may see that she is not treating you even close to decently.

Well, Thank You, Gypsyheart !

So now I apparently have to choose between not really being a bloke after all & giving crappy advice.

Tough one. :)

Sorry, I was half asleep when I wrote that.
Blame it hasty typing and lack of caffeine. :blush:

she sometimes compares me to her husband, and she'll say "***** doesnt do that...." This really gets to me, and she does treat me bad.

Its weighting me down, and shes said, she doesnt know what the future will bring, but she'd never promise me a future. But no, in the last 12 months i've never ever spent one night with her :(

She wont let me leave, and she says if i start going out with my firends then its over.


She said to me, "I cuddle up to him every night, so what do i need you for" Just broke my heart, in that sentence.


Mate, she doesn't sound very nice. :(

On one hand you say things that make it clear that she doesn't give you everything you want and need from a relationship, but then you also give the impression that you don't think you can do any better. You sound very insecure, which I can completely empathise with believe me. Somewhere out there, there is a woman (or women even!!!!) who would be very interested in you, and will treat you a whole lot better and give you what you need. One thing I can assure you is that you will find it much easier to find that woman if you get away from this one.

PS - one way to think about her kids is that they are getting a bad impression of what relationships are about right now. The best thing for them would be to get out, in a way.

It sounds like someone is trying the classic case of having their cake and eating it, I refer of course to your older woman.

She is not only being unfaithful to her husband but she even has the audacity to not bother to conceal it from him.

She tells you that she will have no future with you.

Despite all this you are agonising over her and her husband, from what you say, adores her.

Okay, harsh advice time I am afraid.

I do not doubt that you have an exciting time with this older woman, she is it would appear a skilled manipulator, you are inexperienced, so it is no surprise that you have fallen for her.

Leave her, leave her now as when she later leaves you, as she will, then whatever hurt you will feel by leaving now you can multiply a thousand fold when she eventually tosses you aside.

Naw...it isn't worth it....you all need to think some stuff through before your words damage a great relationship....I don't come here much anymore, because this site has become the biggest bit* fest....it's just a lil disappointing.....does anyone out there think that perhaps, since this stuff isn't really accepted that maybe we should support others? Or has that gone out the window and everyone here is so secure.....I'm lost for words....this is complete bullsh*t....and I'm glad everyone here judges.....isn't life funny....but remember next time you are in the grocery store with you love.....what is going through their mind is...wow...that mother and SON... must be really close....sorry I'm pissed....think about it...gawd

A 'great' relationship? :rolleyes:

I had a whole paragraph's worth of reply to what you wrote. Instead, I'll just say that there is nothing wrong with offering advice, as long as it isn't as misguided as the above.

Andy, you sound like a nice guy who doesn't deserve this. While it may hurt in the short term, distancing yourself from this person and finding somebody who doesn't still sleep with her husband would eventually do you more good.


Good luck fella.


micky

I really don't know if that speaks volumes....I think maybe you should look at the insecurities that she has got because of her hubby...BEEN THERE DONE THAT...sometimes being thrilled is a damn scary thing...especially when it is all that you know...I don't mean to start...but, please think sh** through before you say...you don't know what this woman is going through....and that is a little unsettling for me!!!

I did think things through before I posted, and having personally been in something very similar, it does speak volumes to me.

Regardless of what she's been thru, the bottom line is the same. She's dragging another person through the trenches. I strongly suspect if she asked him for time to deal with whatever she's going thru, he'd give it.....
And ftr, I think very very carefully about everything I post before I post it. It's just the kind of person I am.

I haven't seen anyone not be supportive to this guy. How is telling someone that they deserve to be treated better not supportive????



I totally agree. And I, for one, don't want to post my relationship issues somewhere that's all roses all the time. I appreciate realistic advice from people that have been in my shoes. I can get "don't worry honey- things will be fine..hang in there" from Joe Schmo on the street.

As for the OP, from what you've said, it sounds like if you dig deep enough, you really know that she's treating you poorly. It's not how you want it to be of course, but certainly you can see the writing on the wall. Sadly, wanting it to be different won't make it so. I'm sorry. :(

I tihnk this is what it is. If she choose me i would marry her tomorrow, but she won't.

She says its alright for me I have nothing to lose, but she says she has too much and thinks the age gap will cause me to change.

I'm gonna have a proper talk with her when i can, and see what she says.

She says its alright for me I have nothing to lose, but she says she has too much and thinks the age gap will cause me to change.



She has a lot to lose for sure....you! And you are putting your heart out there-- that's a lot to lose too. :(

I tihnk this is what it is. If she choose me i would marry her tomorrow, but she won't.

She says its alright for me I have nothing to lose, but she says she has too much and thinks the age gap will cause me to change.

I'm gonna have a proper talk with her when i can, and see what she says.

It wont cause you to change you are who you are..a great guy getting the leftovers of a doggie bag.

If it were me i would tell her You are not some play thing. She wants you to give up friends..everything. She gets to go home to her husband WHOM i doubt knows you are even there. If she really loves you and cares about you she would NOT be putting you through this torture.

WHat makes her think you have nothing to lose (SELFISH THOUGHTS!) you fell for her and her kids..hmm to me THAT is alot to lose. All this woman is thinking about is HER not you not her kids and NOT her husband. I dont think she wants you like she wants her cake and frosting and be able to eat both!

This woman has a weird set of morals. She disrespects her husband by cheating on him with you, and being so shameless that he knows about it.



She is not only being unfaithful to her husband but she even has the audacity to not bother to conceal it from him.

I do not understand why this is not preferable to hiding the affair.

Unlike this lady I had every intention of leaving my husband, but had the good grace to tell him, despite the fact he could destroy me financially and get me kicked out of the country. So I should have just lied to him and swanned off out of the door the minute I could be with my boyfriend?

She should tell him even if it is just a fling, even disregarding the moral perspective - nobody wants STDs.

I do not understand why this is not preferable to hiding the affair.

Unlike this lady I had every intention of leaving my husband, but had the good grace to tell him, despite the fact he could destroy me financially and get me kicked out of the country. So I should have just lied to him and swanned off out of the door the minute I could be with my boyfriend?

She should tell him even if it is just a fling, even disregarding the moral perspective - nobody wants STDs.

How about not having the affair?

How about not using both men for your wants and desires?

How about honoring your marriage vows....remember the part that goes..."til DEATH do us part?" That means you'll be together till you die.

The OP deserves better. He deserves to be with a woman who respects her wedding vows and who puts him number 1. Right now he's with a woman who's using him and her husband for what she wants.

Nadine.

How about not having the affair?

How about not using both men for your wants and desires?

How about honoring your marriage vows....remember the part that goes..."til DEATH do us part?" That means you'll be together till you die.

The OP deserves better. He deserves to be with a woman who respects her wedding vows and who puts him number 1. Right now he's with a woman who's using him and her husband for what she wants.

Nadine.

well said I agree and i doubt he even knows...she is playing with fire and who will get burnt..her husband this poor man here posting this and the kids. Women like that deserve to have nothing.
One I think someone needs to get a divorce or be moved out before you continue with someone else.. their choice though..I am not here to judge...but I have to agree with you on this one

This woman needs to grow up BIG time. She is very selfish and painfully cold hearted. If this gal said this to me..I would SURE not want to marry her thats for sure!

My question is this..
Why would you want to marry someone who is making you pick your mates over her WHO already is with someone...WHO possibly has no idea about you?

Why would you want to marry someone who says and has told you THERE IS NO FUTURE this should tell you..your her play toy. YOu can do better then this hun WAY better..NO ONE should be treated liek this AT ALL!

I haven't read through all of the replies so I'm sorry if I'm being repetitive.

"She says i can't have both, I choose her, or my friends."

Excuse me, but that is bullshit. She can have her husband, family AND you, and you aren't allowed to go out with your friends? If she wants a truly exclusive relationship with you then she needs to lose the husband.

Please don't think that I'm being judgmental about her being married, I don't have a problem with that at all. I just have a problem with that sort of double standard, and with her throwing ultimatums at you like that.

Trust me, as the single person you have way more options than she does.

Agreed with everyone else, but I also noticed one other thing. Apparently she's allowing her kids to spend time with her boyfriend while she's still married and living with their dad. That's just a huge character issue, IMO. On top of all the other character issues I see here, this doesn't look like someone who's really worth your time or energy, despite your apparent attachment to her.

This woman has a weird set of morals. She disrespects her husband by cheating on him with you, and being so shameless that he knows about it. This by itself would not be as bad except for the fact that she is doing it just for fun because she told you she sees no future with you.


Yep, something is very amiss here, and I am one of those who is pretty open to different types of relationships. I think you are getting the short end of the stick and this has the potential to blow up in your face. How do you know her husband is OK with this? And how do you feel knowing that her kids know about this? You can do much better. You ARE being used and that's sad to me.

How about not having the affair?

How about not using both men for your wants and desires?

How about honoring your marriage vows....remember the part that goes..."til DEATH do us part?" That means you'll be together till you die.

The OP deserves better. He deserves to be with a woman who respects her wedding vows and who puts him number 1. Right now he's with a woman who's using him and her husband for what she wants.

Nadine.

How about not, when after 10 years of my utter devotion he told me it was over between us and had an affair first?

Besides, I never made these vows, where I live right now (Japan) we got married just by signing a paper, all formal and no emotional promises made, so I guess that it's ok with you that I'm with this other guy then? Or maybe I should have put up with my husband saying it was over between us a year ago, destroying the life plan we made, and fought to be beside him like a dutiful, fawning little wife?

Good god.

Not sticking up for the woman in the OP, she IS using him, but christ I'm sick of all this DEATH DO US PART crap, largely because I stuck to it as a personal belief for so long and it made me waste 10 years of my life with a guy who was not suited to me at ALL.

I suppose you think my boyfriend does not deserve me too?

I'm meeting him in 4 days. Sorry to let the side of respectable womanhood down.

He is my world. I wish I'd waited for him instead of settling for somebody who didn't love me and staying purely thanks to believing in "better or worse." That was the mistake made. My boyfriend is not the mistake. I love him like I wanted to love my husband, with utter respect for his personality, not feeling degraded or abused in any way by him.

The reason he shouldn't be with this woman is that she said she was never leaving her husband and is nasty to him about his friends, but I strongly suspect if this guy had posted saying she WAS leaving her husband and was an absolute angel to him he'd still have got the "SEVER! SEVER!" line.

I haven't read through all of the replies so I'm sorry if I'm being repetitive.

"She says i can't have both, I choose her, or my friends."

Excuse me, but that is bullshit. She can have her husband, family AND you, and you aren't allowed to go out with your friends? If she wants a truly exclusive relationship with you then she needs to lose the husband.

Please don't think that I'm being judgmental about her being married, I don't have a problem with that at all. I just have a problem with that sort of double standard, and with her throwing ultimatums at you like that.

Trust me, as the single person you have way more options than she does.

Well you know, this is true. I've not denied my boyfriend anything. He even had all his blogs open on the internet til last month with rather sexy pictures of him. I knew other people saw them I and was using them for personal eye candy! Last month they disappeared, or were replaced with an updated profile: currently in a relationship.

It was terribly sweet of him, because I never even mentioned I knew he had them. He is such a sweet guy. I do feel basd that I'm still married, there's a lot of guilt here believe me. I do not want to let either him or my husband down. I view my husband as a friend despite all the conflict. If eanything I'm extremely grateful he's letting me pursue my relationship without cutting me off from the money that yes, I very much EARN MYSELF.

The woman in the OP isn't acting honourably because of being in a relationship with a man who wants permanence, and not being willing to offer it. She could be in an open relationship with her husband (I'm not personally capable of this mind) and not offering permanence, and if the guy didn't want it it'd be fine. But he DOES want it, and that's the main problem.

But you can still only glean a faint nuance of what is going on from a forum post, and nobody here should be calling names.

It hurts that if my boyfrend posted here, you'd all tell him to leave me.

I strongly suspect if this guy had posted saying she WAS leaving her husband and was an absolute angel to him he'd still have got the "SEVER! SEVER!" line.

Actually, he would probably have gotten the same wise advice you were given about ending one relationship before starting another one. What's the rush in starting another relationship when you still live under the same roof with your husband? I know many, many people who did it the way you're doing it and every, single one of them has said they wish they'd gone about it differently. Even the ones who are still with the person they had an affair with (and there are very few of them whose relationships survived).

Just because someone tells you something you don't want to hear doesn't mean they're not giving you good advice or that they don't wish you the best.

Actually, he would probably have gotten the same wise advice you were given about ending one relationship before starting another one. What's the rush in starting another relationship when you still live under the same roof with your husband? I know many, many people who did it the way you're doing it and every, single one of them has said they wish they'd gone about it differently. Even the ones who are still with the person they had an affair with (and there are very few of them whose relationships survived).

Just because someone tells you something you don't want to hear doesn't mean they're not giving you good advice or that they don't wish you the best.

I HAVE ended the relationship with my husband. And no, there's no rush. I cannot be with him permantently, we are long distance and he has to finish his education. But why deny it? I love him deeply and he is my best friend. I can't just cut off with him, it's living a lie. I can't not talk to him because we make each other so happy. Would it be far to leave him hanging? Yes, he is seeing me in 4 days, but the principal reason is for him to visit the country I live in. I am making no demands of him, I want to see if he likes it here. In the meantime there is literally no place for me to go. I told my husband about this other guy, I made it clear he could kick me out if he wanted and what did he choose? To go see his girlfriend. That I didn't know about previously. Added to all this the fact he told me a year ago it was over, and what do you get? A living arrangement. Yes, I live with him. I am not sure why that is such a big deal to people.

I am putting absolutely no stresses on my boyfriend and I ask him almost daily if he is bothered by it. To make sure. He LAUGHS when I say this. We'll see next week, but the absolute last thing I want to do is place stresses on him because I love him so much. I literally have never felt this way about anyone in my life. Yes, I've been an idiot before, but neither of us wants to let the other go.

My husband positively knows abuot it. Knows, and has spoken to my boyfriend about it - his request. To clear the air, I guess. Neither of us wants any undue heartache inflicted on this young man. God, I didn't wish this for my husband's girlfriend either, but she made her own heartache, was a crazy person. I really wish she had been right for him.

I HAVE ended the relationship with my husband. And no, there's no rush. I cannot be with him permantently, we are long distance and he has to finish his education. But why deny it? I love him deeply and he is my best friend. I can't just cut off with him, it's living a lie. I can't not talk to him because we make each other so happy. Would it be far to leave him hanging? Yes, he is seeing me in 4 days, but the principal reason is for him to visit the country I live in. I am making no demands of him, I want to see if he likes it here. In the meantime there is literally no place for me to go. I told my husband about this other guy, I made it clear he could kick me out if he wanted and what did he choose? To go see his girlfriend. That I didn't know about previously. Added to all this the fact he told me a year ago it was over, and what do you get? A living arrangement. Yes, I live with him. I am not sure why that is such a big deal to people.

I am putting absolutely no stresses on my boyfriend and I ask him almost daily if he is bothered by it. To make sure. He LAUGHS when I say this. We'll see next week, but the absolute last thing I want to do is place stresses on him because I love him so much. I literally have never felt this way about anyone in my life. Yes, I've been an idiot before, but neither of us wants to let the other go.

My husband positively knows abuot it. Knows, and has spoken to my boyfriend about it - his request. To clear the air, I guess. Neither of us wants any undue heartache inflicted on this young man. God, I didn't wish this for my husband's girlfriend either, but she made her own heartache, was a crazy person. I really wish she had been right for him.


This was not a personal attack on you...its just how most people feel...This is was not meant as a slam toward you
But I would give someone advice if they are seeing someone and still in a relationship with someone else and being a real you know what we are saying

I am not trying to sound rude but this is about the ym who is getting crapped on

What's the rush in starting another relationship when you still live under the same roof with your husband? I know many, many people who did it the way you're doing it and every, single one of them has said they wish they'd gone about it differently. Even the ones who are still with the person they had an affair with (and there are very few of them whose relationships survived).


I haven't!

We have to be careful here, because we're talking about personal morals... there is no right or wrong, and I can't see how anyone can impinge their beliefs onto others about this. If two people are married and living together but no longer in a relationship, then no-one is getting hurt by it. Therefore I have no problem with it. Some of you might, but that doesn't make you right and me wrong.

If someone is married and having affairs that their husband knows about and does not mind, then who are we to say that it's wrong? It's THEIR relationship, they set the rules for what they feel is right or wrong. I'm not sure that in this case it is quite so simple as that, and with them having kids it complicates things even further because (especially the youngest) I don't think they can fully understand what exactly is going on. But I'm talking generally because this discussion seems to have taken that slant.

The problem in this case is that this woman is not giving the OP what he needs from a relationship and is being quite manipulating, hence why I don't think it's quite as simple as her husband being completely happy with the situation. He's made numerous statements that tell us that he is not happy with it as it stands. However, he seems unwilling to let go of it, IMO because he's insecure and/or lacking in confidence.

I'm not sure that blasting this woman for her 'poor behaviour' is going to help at all, rather it might backfire and make him defensive about someone he obviously cares about. I think the key is that he needs to know he isn't going to be fulfilled with her and his own comments point to the fact that he knows this... so why can't he let it go?

I haven't!

We have to be careful here, because we're talking about personal morals... there is no right or wrong, and I can't see how anyone can impinge their beliefs onto others about this. If two people are married and living together but no longer in a relationship, then no-one is getting hurt by it. Therefore I have no problem with it. Some of you might, but that doesn't make you right and me wrong.

If someone is married and having affairs that their husband knows about and does not mind, then who are we to say that it's wrong? It's THEIR relationship, they set the rules for what they feel is right or wrong.

I agree totally with Rob here.

You say her husband is very passive and says nothing about the BS this woman is putting HIM through? It sounds like she flaunts you to him, and him to you. Highly manipulative. Is it possible that her husband has been reduced to a passive, depressed person due to all the abuse his wife has given him over the years???

Lose this conniving woman - AND FAST!

Right, I didn't want to have to collate all this. But somebody had to.



She says that she does not plan any future with me


Warning number 1.


She wont let me leave, and she says if i start going out with my firends then its over.


Insecurity and the willingness to issue ultimatums are two rather negative personality traits.


Its got to the stage where i go round to see them without telling her, just because i know she'll start about it.


So you fancy living your life walking on eggshells Andy? I know I wouldn't. Furthermore, the fact that you are concealing the truth from her just to avoid having the bollocks nagged off you should again tell you all you need to know.


What really made me see the other side, when we were argueing the other day, as she was saying, i wasnt making any effort. She said to me, "I cuddle up to him every night, so what do i need you for" Just broke my heart, in that sentence.


This was cruel, pure and simple. A person who thinks anything of you just wouldn't say that, regardless of whether they meant it or not.


But as she often says, " i need to know your thinking about me all the time...." she sometimes compares me to her husband, and she'll say "***** doesnt do that...." This really gets to me, and she does treat me bad.


Again, insensitivity of the highest order. Needing to know you're thinking about her all the time is insecure bullshit as well.


Its weighting me down, and shes said, she doesnt know what the future will bring, but she'd never promise me a future. But no, in the last 12 months i've never ever spent one night with her :(


I kinda think that if she thought you were all that, she'd have wanted to spend a whole night with you by now. But why do that when she can have her cake and eat it?


Her Husband just puts up with anything, she's told him we've kissed, and he know's shes with me to 4am some nights, but he doesnt say anything, in fact, when he gets a day off work he can't wait to take her out.


So the guy appears to still have feelings for the mother of his children. The fact that he's a doormat doesn't really help his or your cause. But he can't wait to take her out? Doesn't that tell you something?

Now, to those of you who will doubtless argue that these quotes have been taken out of context, think again. Each comment above is so telling that it is hardly devoid of context, some of the statements are merely a few words yet contain more than enough meaning.

And the context of them cannot be denied.


Andy, nobody here has judged your girlfriend. They have perhaps assessed these comments and confirmed the warning signs that you yourself are well aware of, otherwise you wouldn't be questioning her feelings for you.

Do yourself a favour, either leave her for a while and see what she does about her situation, or move on with your life.


I know which I'd choose given the evidence above. But that is your decision.


Good luck.


micky

Well put, Micky. Hurrah! :yes:

Well you know, this is true. I've not denied my boyfriend anything. He even had all his blogs open on the internet til last month with rather sexy pictures of him. I knew other people saw them I and was using them for personal eye candy! Last month they disappeared, or were replaced with an updated profile: currently in a relationship.

It was terribly sweet of him, because I never even mentioned I knew he had them. He is such a sweet guy. I do feel basd that I'm still married, there's a lot of guilt here believe me. I do not want to let either him or my husband down. I view my husband as a friend despite all the conflict. If eanything I'm extremely grateful he's letting me pursue my relationship without cutting me off from the money that yes, I very much EARN MYSELF.

The woman in the OP isn't acting honourably because of being in a relationship with a man who wants permanence, and not being willing to offer it. She could be in an open relationship with her husband (I'm not personally capable of this mind) and not offering permanence, and if the guy didn't want it it'd be fine. But he DOES want it, and that's the main problem.

But you can still only glean a faint nuance of what is going on from a forum post, and nobody here should be calling names.

It hurts that if my boyfrend posted here, you'd all tell him to leave me.


Ariadne, please don't take this the wrong way, but it's really tiresome having you intrude your story again and again and again into other people's threads.

And it's really tedious having you comment over and over and over again that everyone here is just mean to you and doesn't support you.

If we're all so awful, perhaps you should find a group of people who agree with you utterly so that you won't have to read anything you don't like.

...


So the guy appears to still have feelings for the mother of his children. The fact that he's a doormat doesn't really help his or your cause. But he can't wait to take her out? Doesn't that tell you something?

Now, to those of you who will doubtless argue that these quotes have been taken out of context, think again. Each comment above is so telling that it is hardly devoid of context, some of the statements are merely a few words yet contain more than enough meaning.

And the context of them cannot be denied.


Andy, nobody here has judged your girlfriend. They have perhaps assessed these comments and confirmed the warning signs that you yourself are well aware of, otherwise you wouldn't be questioning her feelings for you.

Do yourself a favour, either leave her for a while and see what she does about her situation, or move on with your life.


I know which I'd choose given the evidence above. But that is your decision.


Good luck.


micky

Excellent points, very well put.

Andyuk - try and listen to what everyone here is telling you. You're being used, mistreated and disrespected and this woman has given you no indication whatsoever that this will ever change.

There are way nicer women and way better relationships out there for you - you have to move on.

Best of luck.

We have to be careful here, because we're talking about personal morals... there is no right or wrong, and I can't see how anyone can impinge their beliefs onto others about this. If two people are married and living together but no longer in a relationship, then no-one is getting hurt by it. Therefore I have no problem with it. Some of you might, but that doesn't make you right and me wrong.

If someone is married and having affairs that their husband knows about and does not mind, then who are we to say that it's wrong? It's THEIR relationship, they set the rules for what they feel is right or wrong.

The problem i see with that is, very often the person having the affair SAYS that their spouse knows, when really they dont. We dont always know what's going on in the marriage, and bedroom, of another couple. ONLY those two people ever really know. That's why i personally have a problem with it, as far as me being another person involved in the scenario. I've known too many people that also said they were no longer "sleeping" with their spouse, when they were.

I dont care what someone else does in their own relationship, i just dont want to be a part of it if i dont agree with it.

Ariadne, please don't take this the wrong way, but it's really tiresome having you intrude your story again and again and again into other people's threads.

And it's really tedious having you comment over and over and over again that everyone here is just mean to you and doesn't support you.

If we're all so awful, perhaps you should find a group of people who agree with you utterly so that you won't have to read anything you don't like.

I tried to make a heartfelt thread of my own.

It was ignored by everyone but a mod.

I'm still going through hell no matter what I can justify about it, I DO still have morals much as most people think I have none, and I came to this site for support.

I'm really not getting much of it bar via PM. I got a lot in PM but only a few words of encouragement in threads. Everyone who feels like I do, who went through or is going through what I am is too scared to post. This is not right.

Just want to say here that if anyone else, like the person in this thread who did so wants to sent me a judgmental, angry PM about their personal morals that they want to keep "off the site," go right ahead - do it now so I can put you on ignore. That would be really helpful.

I was feeling lonely and unhappy last night. I'm desperately in love with a man who is utterly perfect for me, I have never loved anyone on such a level before. I feel like I love somebody for all the right reasons for the first time in my life. But I can't be with him permanently for 3 whole years. All we have is computer and webcam chat. I'm forced to live with a guy for the time being that I'm not in love with. I lost my friends here because splitting up with my husband could lose him his job (this is Japanese culture), and I can't lie to them. I'm going through hell. Is it so much to ask that I receive more support from this support site than I do judgment?

So my boyfriend gets here in 3 days now, but I know he has to go home after a fortnight. And I'm unhappy, and scared. You know when a relationship breaks down the visa is no longer valid? I could lose my home (meaning this country) and everything. I left EVERYTHING behind because I trusted my husband, so I have nothing left in my home country. It's an extremely frightening prospect, and a personal nightmare I've been facing for the past year since he initiated a breakup. I need help and support, not this junk like the extremely hurtful PM I just got, this is cowardly behaviour an it's only done because people know the rules of this site are not to be too judgemental. To tie this into the OP, the names people are throwing at this lady, it's not constructive at all. She might be acting out of pure insecurity (as several have pointed out,) she could be saying "I don't see a future" one minute and retracting it the next, and the OP is so insecure himself it's all he believes, nobody knows the full story so why can't people just say kindly - "If all this is true OP, she is doing you a disservice?"

It doesn't require all this anger and name calling. Now, people say in one breath - "How do we know the husband knows," well this is true, but using that same logic how do you know the OP has told us everything? There's a lot of anger against this lady, and I suspect a lot of it is based on the belief that "Well, if she can be married to her husband and with this guy, she must be a terrible person so everything bad she is doing comes from pure malice." Because not everyone has tried to analyse it like say, mickysixtynine has. And not all of the responses, true or not have been thought through logically past the angry red mist that this woman's actions caused to the responder.

Whatever the reason for it, the relationship is not going to work because of the outcome of her feelings. She can't put demands on the younger man not to see his friends, etc. There's just no need for all the anger because putting this lady down does not make you look like a kind person that the OP can turn to, and it's clear people lashing out like this want to help the OP.

They are going about it the wrong way, and making people in MY situation feel put down especially when it swings round to judgement placed on the fact she is married. If people keep saying this, I'm going to comment. It does apply to my situation and it's frankly hurtful.

I tried to make a heartfelt thread of my own.

It was ignored by everyone but a mod.

I'm still going through hell no matter what I can justify about it, I DO still have morals much as most people think I have none, and I came to this site for support.

I'm really not getting much of it bar via PM.

Just want to say here that if anyone else, like the person in this thread who did so wants to sent me a judgemental, angry PM that they want to keep "off the site," go right ahead - do it now so I can put you on ignore. That would be really helpful.

Yes but your hijacking someones thread..this is not fair to the person who posted the original thread. HAD you waited a while we would have responded to your post. SOMETIMES even my threads I started take a while to respond to. You have hijacked alot of post with the same thing over and over..YES your upset and going through something we can or cant relate to..HOWEVER this is not about you its about the YM in need of our help here as well.

You are coming across as bitter and attacking..we have not attacked you however people may or may not agree with you...that does not mean we are *set out to get you*. We do have a right to our thoughts and what we believe in. YOu made this choice in your life..so be it..You in the end are the one who has to deal with it NOT us.
You take the advice you want the rest you throw away..just don't come on here taking over someones thread because you think others are attacking you when all they are telling you is they don't agree with YOUR choice.

In that same breath would you care if he started seeing other people as well? After all you are still living with someone who your married to. Do you see my point. We come here because we are hurting confused happy...This young man is getting the crap end of a HUGe stick..and yea she is a WITCH for doing this to him..it does not mean YOUR situation that you are one. She sounds like a horrible heartless person doing this to him her husband and her kids...She is heartless in telling him the things she did.
I feel sorry for then all.

AS for the Man who posted this..We all hope it is going okay..have been worried about your feelings in all this! please keep us posted!

In that same breath would you care if he started seeing other people as well?

No.

I'm not trying to hijack threads I just only know my own stuation, do not feel qualified or right to comment on others that have zero relation to it, and I put forward my perspective as a married woman devoted to my new man in threads where the people are in a similar marital situation but with something lacking.

I know from the inside what it takes to make this relationship work, and I know what is right for my boyfriend. This lady is not acting in any of these ways, so putting forward my perspective without being too judgemental is helpful. And yes, you all think I am just trying to swing the thread to be about me - I'm not. I feel involved though when parts of a situation apply to myself and people lash out against it. Yes, I feel insecure. Yes, I post too much of my situation, I get carried away. BUt I am in no way trying to change the tone of the thread.

The point I am trying to make in this thread is that insults are not constructive and they make people feel hurt. And stupid. Calling this lady names is on some level an insult to the young man, because he was with her in the first place and he must see the good side of her. Calling her so evil and calling him so young and innocent, it's like saying "you are so immature and you've been naive to fall for this lady's trap." EVEN IF YOU DON'T MEAN THIS, IT CAN COME THROUGH TO A PERSON SUFFERING ABUSE. It puts him down because MANY people of any age could find themselves in such a situation. I post on another site that would have outright called him a moron for being with the lady. This is just one step up from that, I think.

No.

I'm not trying to hijack threads I just only know my own stuation, do not feel qualified or right to comment on others that have zero relation to it, and I put forward my perspective as a married woman devoted to my new man in threads where the people are in a similar marital situation but with something lacking.

I know from the inside what it takes to make this relationship work, and I know what is right for my boyfriend. This lady is not acting in any of these ways, so putting forward my perspective without being too judgemental is helpful. And yes, you all think I am just trying to swing the thread to be about me - I'm not. I feel involved though when parts of a situation apply to myself and people lash out against it. Yes, I feel insecure. Yes, I post too much of my situation, I get carried away. BUt I am in no way trying to change the tone of the thread.

The point I am trying to make in this thread is that insults are not constructive and they make people feel hurt. And stupid. Calling this lady names is on some level an insult to the young man, because he was with her in the first place and he must see the good side of her. Calling her so evil and calling him so young and innocent, it's like saying "you are so immature and you've been naive to fall for this lady's trap." It puts him down because MANY people of any age could find themselves in such a situation. I post on another site that would have outright called him a moron for being with the lady. This is just one step up from that, I think.

I beg to differ YOu have hijacked this thread YOu have carried on and turned it around on you...
YOu can give your prospective without acting like your a victim.

HE is being used...You even said a comment for her to make him choose her over her friends is WRONG. She is not in your situation is she? NOPE she is not using her spouse for a visa while seeing another person..I can understand your situation..BUT hers hell no. SHE IS USING HIM...NO ONE SAID he was immature for falling into her trap. WE have all fallen at one time into someones crappy BS trap. IF YOU REREAD MY POST LOVE then you will see I even stated he is a smart hardworking man who deserves BETTER.

I am qualified lady to say soemthing about this BECAUSE I at one point did this to someone..do not feel qualified or right to comment on others that have zero relation to it...YEA girl I do have a HUGE right ..i to a long time ago did this to someone else as well. I was a ***** to him...so yep I have every right to call it how i see it as I DID IT. So don't assume hun that I don't know what hell I am talking about.

AGAIN SHE IS USING HIM...using her kids and husband as well THEN telling him WHAT to do...I call it how i see it..EVIL WITCH plain and simple. THis guy is a great person...we all are blind when it comes to love we dont want to see someone using us for their own personal gain. I would never go back to who I was using not only my spouse but the guy I was seeing to feel good about me. ITs wrong its painful and people get burnt in the end. BEEn there DONE it

:hijacked:

I know they have a limited sex life, and don't kiss, he has actually told me this, but there close in other ways.

Unless he typoed, I think he said that he has talked to the husband before.

:hijacked:



Unless he typoed, I think he said that he has talked to the husband before.

ahh i caught that later...i feel sorry for him big time :(:( he loves her so much wants to move forward and cant because of her:(

Can anyone tell that the moon is almost FULL and tensions are running high?

I think everyone has at some point read a post and "related" in one fashion or another. That very dynamic is what makes this board a great resource for someone searching for answers. No one can give someone the perfect "answer for them", but having so many different perspectives can help that person find "their answer". We need to remember that it's our diversity that makes this world a more interesting place to live.

As for ignoring threads, I just recently came back to this site. I do know that it doesn't take much for a thread to be buried depending on how many other threads were made and if it's the weekend and people get busy with life. It's not good to take things so personal Ariadne. If your thread gets buried, post on it saying something and bump it back up to the top again.

As for the young man who originally started this thread. I hope he didn't take any of these well-intentioned posts to say he was "stupid" for loving this woman. I think most here just want him to "get" as well as "give" the respect, love, and kindness he's shown her.

Some of things she has said to him are cruel. Loving someone who is cruel to you is something I CAN RELATE TO and I hate to see anyone else suffer like that. He came here asking for advice, so he must feel like he's getting shortchanged here. Sometimes it just takes a few people telling you what you already know, to take back the POWER you gave away.

On a sidenote, it crossed my mind that this marriage of hers might be an "open-marriage" (ie: swingers, polyamorous). There are plenty of those out there and that's all dandy, IF the 3rd person fully understands what they are getting into. From what I understand that lifestyle usually goes to great lengths to protect children in the family unit, so her involving kids is just insane.

I'm not judging her choices to screw another man outside marriage. I am, however judging her for her behavior towards this young man who is obviously hurting. It's unhealthy, unbalanced and unfair.

To the original poster: I hope the bickering didn't run you off. Please check in with us and let us know how you doing.

Peace,
Gypsy

Can anyone tell that the moon is almost FULL and tensions are running high?



I knew it had to be something!!! :bgrin2:

Can anyone tell that the moon is almost FULL and tensions are running high?
I think everyone has at some point read a post and "related" in one fashion or another. That very dynamic is what makes this board a great resource for someone searching for answers. No one can give someone the perfect "answer for them", but having so many different perspectives can help that person find "their answer". We need to remember that it's our diversity that makes this world a more interesting place to live.


To the original poster: I hope the bickering didn't run you off. Please check in with us and let us know how you doing.

Peace,
Gypsy

Plus....as I mentioned in chit chat a while back, mercury is in retrograde to boot!!! :eek:

and mercury is in retro to LOL...

LOL EPO same post! great minds think alike hehe

great post gypsy!!

Plus....as I mentioned in chit chat a while back, mercury is in retrograde to boot!!! :eek:

There's always a reason for everything mad in this crazy world of ours!:yes:

Plus....as I mentioned in chit chat a while back, mercury is in retrograde to boot!!! :eek:

AND I am PMS'ing!!! :jaw:

sorry, TMI? :p

AND I am PMS'ing!!! :jaw:

sorry, TMI? :p

Join the club, I'm on total b***h mode right now!!!:mad:

Well if he hadn't said that he had talked to the husband, I would think it was likely the husband didn't know that his wife was running rampant. Point being is that when someone is "getting away" with something kind of awful, they tend to become even more callous, hence her behaving with such unkindness to our OP.

Well if he hadn't said that he had talked to the husband, I would think it was likely the husband didn't know that his wife was running rampant. Point being is that when someone is "getting away" with something kind of awful, they tend to become even more callous, hence her behaving with such unkindness to our OP.

Let's say her husband does know. Let's say that the only reason that he's ok is because he loves her and if her cheating is the only way to keep her and not break up the family then he will look the other way.

Lets say she has bullied her husband into agreeing with her to accept her cheating, and because she could bully him, she is going to bully her new lover.

She manipulates, and uses fear of losing her and emotional pain letting little comments of her life with her husband to manipulate her ym into bending to her will in order to make him do what she wants all out of fear and love.

ANDYUK, if she was a bloke doing this to a girl that you knew what would you tell her? Dont let her femininity fool you, she's a bully.

WELL SAID...This is what i believe as well...I think the hubby knows some BUT not all of the whole story and this woman is telling the Other man the poster here what he wants to hear


gypsy and jen...I can feel your pain...ME TO *frowns*

Let's say her husband does know. Let's say that the only reason that he's ok is because he loves her and if her cheating is the only way to keep her and not break up the family then he will look the other way.

Lets say she has bullied her husband into agreeing with her to accept her cheating, and because she could bully him, she is going to bully her new lover.

She manipulates, and uses fear of losing her and emotional pain letting little comments of her life with her husband to manipulate her ym into bending to her will in order to make him do what she wants all out of fear and love.

ANDYUK, if she was a bloke doing this to a girl that you knew what would you tell her? Dont let her femininity fool you, she's a bully.


nods...yep a bully is a bully..no matter if it is a male or female

Sorry all, I didn't mean it in a bad way, I really didn't. I'm not much of a communicator online, with typed words. So any that I offended....I am truly sorry.:(

yeah, homeboy. She can't make up her mind for what she wants to do. I'd let her go, because if she wants to be with you only, then she would divorce already.

Well Andy, everyone here has made great and valid points that I wholeheartedly endorse but there's another angle here.

I think you two might just deserve each other and if you're writhing in anguished mental torment over what 'she's doing to you' you probably deserve it. Have you ever once considered what YOU'RE doing to her family? Nope; you put your damn dick above all else, didn't you?

Sorry, I have no respect for a man who knowingly goes after another man's wife even if she freely offered herself. And same goes if the gender's reversed.

Grow up Andy. Pay for sex if you can't get it anywhere else, for God's sake. It might be that decent women aren't interested in you because you are short on morals and values.

And if you'd ever imagined a future with that dumb b*tch, here's a clue for you: When you marry someone who cheats on their spouse, you get someone who cheats on their spouse. Think about it.