Changing last names

When you got married did you and your partner discuss if you would change your last name? And how did you handle it? Who made the last decision.

Me and my husband had this conversation last night and it didn't go well.
I said when we have a baby how I wanted to hyphen the babys name (we were talking about baby names) and he said no we aren't going to do that.

And I said well I plan on hyphenateing(sp) my last name and he said NO. And then he said... and I don't want to talk about it again in the future. He said you are not going to hyphenate your last name you take mine and that is finale end of it.

Now I don't know where to go with this. He put his foot down on me and I didn't even know what the hell to say. He definatley doesn't want to think about it. And I feel like I will be causing a big fight if I bring it up again, actually I know it will cause a fight. Sometimes if he has his mind made up on something there is no changing it.

I just wanted to know how other couples went about this.

Wow...ummm

I don't know, because I have never been in a relationship where discussion was banned or someone "put their foot down" and that was that. That being said, is this something you discussed before getting married? It seems to me that it would be something to talk about before now. But you can't change that at this point. All I can say is that I would not just "let it be", especially if it was important to me. I would ask why he is opposed to it, I would let him know that my parents' name was important to me, and I would continue to discuss it until either I understood and agreed that hyphenating was not the best chioce, or until it was decided together that is was something good to do. Big decisions should be made together....and losing your parents' name is a big one to a lot of people. Maybe another discussion when neither of you is really upset could convey to him that it is important to you and why.

For me, it was always a non issue. Any one I date knows up front that I am never changing my name....I worked too hard to get my DVM and it was me and my parents who paid for it. I won't be having any kids, but if I did, I would use the hyphenated name to honor both sets of parents/grandparents. And I could have a very lengthy discussion about it with anyone....even your husband. It isn't something I back down from. Patriarchal names are no more valid than matriarchal ones, not in my book!

Wow. I was married for about three years when I was in my thirties and never took my husband's last name at any point. I was self-employed, so didn't want to bother changing my business stationary. However, if I marry my YM, I would take his name.

Well what about using your maiden name as your last name? When I was in college, I went to the courthouse and formally changed my last name (my exdad's) to that of my stepdad and for my middle name, I chose my mother's maiden name. So.. about your children, they have the option of changing their name legally later on.

Your hubbie sounds very old fashioned, tradition and... rigid. lol. However, I don't see very many hyphenated name couples in my circle of acquaintance. It's a practice that is still in the minority. I hope that your s/o has many other redeeming qualities! Do you share the financial burdens equally? What is your husband's ethnic background and level of education?

And why do you desire a hyphenated last name? Do you have friends that have done so? Are you an only child or do you not have any brothers to carry on your family name? Just curious.

First, no matter what the discussion is about, I would be furious to be told "no, you can't do it, no discussion, end of".

That to me would be a huge flashing red sign about what to expect in the future. If the two of you can't discuss this, what else will he put his foot down on? I find this very ominous and my advice would be to think carefully about what this behaviour is telling you.

Second, it's 2007. All kinds of people keep their own names, hyphenate both names, take each others' names, etc. Your guy's response suggests that he is very conservative in his thinking. This, in combination with the refusal to discuss and the belief that he can forbid you to do something, reinforces my anxiety on your behalf.


Now to the subject in hand. I've been married once and I kept my own name. It was whaqt I wanted to do anyway, but in addition, I hate hyphenated names, they remind me of the upper class chinless twit types in England. But that's just me.

I wasn't married to the father of my child but gave my son his father's surname, with mine as a middle name. I did it because I think it can be difficult for fathers to connect to newborns - in any event it's much easier for women who have carried the baby and will then breastfeed. I wanted to find ways to help with father-baby bonding.

I have no friends who took their husbands names - actually, I have very few friends who are married, most live common law.

I think you need to decide what you want to do and then initiate a discussion with your partner at a time when you're both calm and unlikely to get easily into a fight.

But although I sound like a broken record, I have to say, if you can't bring this up because you're afraid of a fight, and if, as you say, this isn't the only time your partner has closed a discussion before you are ready, you have to think seriously: do you want to live with a controlling man who won't let you make your own decisions? It's your name, not his.

Thanks for your response. Maybe I will wait a few weeks after its settled a little bit and bring it back up. He said we discussed this a year ago and that I knew how he felt about me taking his last name, I remember the conversation but I really didn't think he was so serious about it.

Yes he is very much old fashion in that way even though he is younger then me LOL
My father is from guam(pacific islander) and that is very typical to hyphenate your last name with your husbands. Then the kids take the same name.

Financially he carries the heavier load since he makes more then me.
But yes he does have amazing qualitities that is why I love him so much. Wow I made him sound barbaric didn't I!


He is american and has college education. And he is the only son in his family. Even out of all the cousins he will be the only one to carry his fathers name, I am not against it but I would like to carry mine as well. I am very proud of my heritage. but he doesn't see it that way. He thinks that the woman should take the mans name.


Wow. I was married for about three years when I was in my thirties and never took my husband's last name at any point. I was self-employed, so didn't want to bother changing my business stationary. However, if I marry my YM, I would take his name.

Well what about using your maiden name as your last name? When I was in college, I went to the courthouse and formally changed my last name (my exdad's) to that of my stepdad and for my middle name, I chose my mother's maiden name. So.. about your children, they have the option of changing their name legally later on.

Your hubbie sounds very old fashioned, tradition and... rigid. lol. However, I don't see very many hyphenated name couples in my circle of acquaintance. It's a practice that is still in the minority. I hope that your s/o has many other redeeming qualities! Do you share the financial burdens equally? What is your husband's ethnic background and level of education?

And why do you desire a hyphenated last name? Do you have friends that have done so? Are you an only child or do you not have any brothers to carry on your family name? Just curious.

I kept my ex-husband's last name. What can I say... I have a very understanding husband. I wanted to have the same last name as my young kids. Dev understood. No problem.

First, no matter what the discussion is about, I would be furious to be told "no, you can't do it, no discussion, end of".
Yep, exactly. But this subject particularly is something that affects you and doesn't really affect him much at all. And he's making the decision and doesn't even think you're worthy to discuss it with him. Dang.

I didn't take my ex's name. I figure I've already got a name and don't need a new one. The only person who was vocal about their disapproval was my mom. She thought it had something to do with lack of commitment. My ex did say at the very end that he was bothered by it, but there was so much b.s. flying around by then, I don't know if he really was. And I don't care anyways. No person in the world has the right to force me to do anything, much less to change the only name I've ever had.

When you got married did you and your partner discuss if you would change your last name? And how did you handle it? Who made the last decision.


Alec and I didn't really discuss it. I had already decided that I would take his last name. Plus it doesn't really seem to phase him either way.

I have no attachment to my last name...in fact...If I never hear "Dr. *********** I presume?" ever again...it'll be too soon.

I associate more of my being with my first name. I also wouldn't hyphenate because then I'd get a hand cramp just signing my name! :D

That all being said....there's no way in heck that I would let Alec have the last word on MY name. I have no say in his name. I couldn't tell him...Alec darlin...I don't like your middle name and I want you to change it. So why in the heck should he have any say in my name?

I'd be worried like most everyone else that he's so closed down about the subject. What else is he going to put his foot down on? Especially when it involves his child? Yikes.

Nadine.

Yes he is very much old fashion in that way even though he is younger then me LOL
My father is from guam(pacific islander) and that is very typical to hyphenate your last name with your husbands. Then the kids take the same name.

Financially he carries the heavier load since he makes more then me.
But yes he does have amazing qualitities that is why I love him so much. Wow I made him sound barbaric didn't I!


He is american and has college education. And he is the only son in his family. Even out of all the cousins he will be the only one to carry his fathers name, I am not against it but I would like to carry mine as well. I am very proud of my heritage. but he doesn't see it that way. He thinks that the woman should take the mans name.


Well I took my 1st husband's name when I married him, I dont feel that Im defined by my last name and when I marry my Fiance I will be taking his last name. Your man obviously wants his children to bear his name, especially if he is the last surviving male to have that name.

Do you have brothers or male cousins to carry on your last name? Have you thought of giving your children your last name as their middle name? my mother did this, so my middle name is her last name.

With my sons, they have their father's last name but their middle name is one of my family members name. I personally feel that it is important for a child to share their dads name, at first I did it out of tradition, but when I heard my oldest son a long time ago say "its just like yours huh dad?" I knew that last names are a way for children to connect to their fathers.

When my 11 year old daughter approached me recently about my upcoming last name change she said "Mom, are you going to change your name?" I said "yes iam" she then said "but how is the school going to know that youre our mom?"

Last names are very important to kids. :(

Am I not understanding something? Youre still taking his last name, right? You're just hyphenating it with your's? So, you and your children will still be having his last name. I guess i dont get it.

I could see more of the problem on his end if you didnt want his name at all, IF that was something that would bother him. I wonder as i often do with things, whether it really means that much to him, or its just a power/control issue, which does worry me (because i lived with that in a husband).

I think its your right to do what you want. When i was married, i chose to take my husband's name. When i got divorced, i chose to take my maiden name back. I felt like each name went best with me in both cases.

good luck

I just went to my nephew's wedding (both 25 yrs old) and when they turned to the audience, the minister announced, "Ladies and Gentleman, I present to you "Mr. Richard Smith and Mrs. Nicole Jones." That was a new one on me!

Here they were being all independent and modern, but she was a "Mrs" rather than a "Ms."

When I got married, I took my husband's last name and kept my maiden name as my middle name, but I never used the prefix "Mrs." When I had a daughter, I did the same. She was Mary Smith Jones. No hyphen.

If I had it to do over again, I would have never taken his name. I had it for 20 years (because of my kid) but the minute she got married, I took my maiden name back. It's such a part of your identity, and to give it up is just plain weird.

By the way, my daughter is now divorced, and rather than take her father's last name back, she took mine, and later we changed my granddaughter's last name to mine. So there's an entire line of matriarchy afoot there.

Hyphenated names become very, very confusing when doing business. I can't tell you how difficult it is dealing with a large Hispanic population who all have two last names. They get registered under one last name, then another, then both....it's really crazy trying to obtain or find records in a system.

I agree with others who say that if this is an issue about which there is no discussion allowed, you can bet there will be others down the road. Fasten your seat belt!!

After marriage I kept my birth name. My husband and I are muslim and in Islam the wife keeps her own name because she is her own person. Muslims believe that the practice of non-Muslim women taking their husband's names is rooted back in the times when women were actual property of their husbands, and since Islam rejects that concept all together...the wife keeps her original name. Typically, children take the husband's last name so that it is easy to trace lineage but not because one parent is more important than the other...and usually the child socially can be called so and so bin Susan or so and so bint Mary...that means so and so is the son or daughter of Susan or Mary, etc.

I took my ex husband's name when we married and now that I am divorced I really wish I had hyphenated our names and that I'd kept my maiden for professional purposes. I hate that the name I use now is his, but to try to change that in the middle of a successful career is next to impossible. The only saving grace is that his name is also that of my son. :)

I took my ex husbands name and I still have it. I like it a lot actually and it suits me, I dont see it as his name, but rather my own and my childrens, I have had it longer than I had my maiden name, and I feel like I earned it so to speak. PLus it is a whole lot easier for people to pronounce and spell than my maiden name, which is italian and difficult for many.

when Ym and I get married, I will somewhat reluctantly change my name to his...he is not as understanding as Marcy's devon, lol the plus side is, his name is even easier to say and spell than the one I have now. I just dont like the sound of it as much, lol.

In Italy women don't have to take their husbands' name officially, but they can add it to their maiden names if they so wish. It is quite normal for a married woman to be known professionally only by her maiden name. What changes upon marriage is a person's status, not their name - though obviously children take their father's name.

I'd love to take my husband's name when we get married, but of course I'll have to go through the hoops of immigration first - and then, I'd rather not take his name if his first wife keeps it for the sake of their kids. He knows about that, since I made it abundantly clear, and he's OK with it. Though I don't resent her as much as I did some time ago, she's still far from being my favourite person, and I'd rather not share something as personal as my last name with somebody I don't really like that much.

By the way, my daughter is now divorced, and rather than take her father's last name back, she took mine, and later we changed my granddaughter's last name to mine. So there's an entire line of matriarchy afoot there.
Interesting. My YM's middle name is his mother's maiden name. He dislikes his dad so much these days that I wonder if I should suggest that he change his name and drop off his dad's name. Hmmmm....

vegasgirls702 - Since you aren't even pregnant yet (do I have that right?) perhaps in the meantime, make your husband more aware of these details of your culture (the hyphenated names etc...). And then lobby for using your maiden name as your childrens' middle name. Is your maiden unusual sounding by American standards? Could your husband be worried about their fellow school chums making fun of an ethnic name? My brother-in-law who is Caucasian/American, once discussed with me the importance of a child having a name that their friends couldn't make fun of or easily turn into embarrassing nicknames. At this time of night, I can't think of the examples he gave me, but anyway think of the Johnny Cash song... A Boy Named Sue to get the jist of what the worry was.

I had a Japanese roommate, his first name was Natsuo. For his stay in the US, he told people to call him Nat. However, he really didn't like the way it sounded and told me that he told his sister to give her children names that could be converted to nice English ones. My own mother selected first names for us that she liked from her friends at the American college she attended. So anyway, perhaps your husband's concern is that your children's names fit into an American setting. I feel that boys in the schoolyard have it tougher than us girls in terms of the bullying. And maybe that is why he is so sensitive on the subject of names.

And as long as you raise your children to be aware of their full heritage, they will always have the option of changing their name later on to better fit the persons they turn out to be.

But I too, am concerned that your husband's attitude on naming your children might extend to other areas of your relationship.

I'd be LIVID if my husband told me I had no say so in the matter. And (must be the red hair) that would be just about all I need to say, "You know what? ForGET the hyphen; I'll name this baby whatever I please and if YOU want to name it something else then YOU may feel free to figure out a way to carry it around inside YOUR belly for nine months!" :mad:

Granted, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar but anyone who issues me a directive like that is bound to meet with some fireworks.

I'm sorry you're having this struggle with your husband and you have absolutely every right to be honored as much as he does!

Speaking of honored - I did take my husband's last name purely because it's something that connects us. To me, sharing his name with me is a gift he gave me, not a sign of "ownership." But if he had ORDERED me to take his name? Forget it!

When my 11 year old daughter approached me recently about my upcoming last name change she said "Mom, are you going to change your name?" I said "yes iam" she then said "but how is the school going to know that youre our mom?"

Last names are very important to kids. :(

THIS is very reason I didn't change my name. It was more important to me that the kids continued to feel connected through our last name, then any machismo ideal of "ownership" through marriage. IF Devon and I were considering having children of our own, then my feelings would be a whole lot different on the matter. However, I know for sure that these 2 young ones are the last of my babies and so it was their feelings that mattered most to me.

/edited to add: Kel I really like how you stated Tim's name was a gift for him to share with you and not ownership. I *really* liked that a lot... beautiful image there. I hope my words above don't read offensively... because I can definately see your point!

I have always disliked my name. I decided to change it, and went down to the law court and filled out the paperwork to change it. But THEN after getting it approved, I discovered that my University won't change my name on the diploma. So I went back and filed a name change AGAIN. I sure bet they were wondering what on earth was going on. They did approve the change back. So for 13 days, I was another name, although I never changed the driver's license, social security record, etc.

Ali

I have always disliked my name. I decided to change it, and went down to the law court and filled out the paperwork to change it. But THEN after getting it approved, I discovered that my University won't change my name on the diploma. So I went back and filed a name change AGAIN. I sure bet they were wondering what on earth was going on. They did approve the change back. So for 13 days, I was another name, although I never changed the driver's license, social security record, etc.

Ali

I don't get that. What difference does it make what name is on your diploma?
My diploma from nursing school is in my former married name. Big deal. It's what you're doing NOW that is important.

So far, since 1984, no one has asked to see my diploma!! And I haven't dragged it out of the box since either. I am a licensed professional, and I had to change my name with the Dept of Professional Regulation, along with everything else...but the name on the diploma is irrelevant.

I'm confused about your rationale. :confused:

I took my first husband's name. There was never any question about it because that was just "what you do" as far as I knew. I had never thought about any other way and didn't know anyone who got married and didn't take their husband's name.

Then his sister got married, but she kept her maiden name and we all thought that was strange, but then we thought it did sound better than if she had taken her husband's name. Also, she had already started to establish herself professionally, so it made sense to keep that name that she was becoming well known for.

When I had my kids, I did think a LOOOONG time about what to name them and how their names would sound with their father's last name. The father has a Filippino name that sounds Spanish or Italian (by the way - that's an interesting history study - about how the people in the Philippines were forced to change their names to Spanish names at one time). I finally came up with some good sounding names and it didn't even dawn on me until later that I had named the two kids with names starting with the same letter (something I had always cringed when hearing about in other families), but at least they didn't sound obviously ethnic of any particular culture which could be misleading.

When I married my second husband, I was a muslim by then, but did not realize (and I guess that his family had not either since they have been in America for so many decades) that a muslim woman keeps her maiden name. I just changed it, according to what "we always do here" - and took my husband's name. Now that is an Arabic name, and it's got a beautiful meaning by itself, but also within the religion of Islam, so now that I divorced, I have kept this name.

It was a pain to have to change social security numbers and everything else every time I've married. It would have been easier just to keep my maiden name. Nowadays, I have been given some advice on my job hunting to change my last name, at least on the resumes and correspondence, from the Arabic last name to my maiden name again. There have been a lot of people who have advised me saying that's probably the reason why like never before in my life until now (I'm 46) that I cannot get a job now. I don't think that's right, although maybe I'm just being too hopeful and naive, but I've left it. Besides, now if I used my maiden name, I think it would bring up more crap in background checks because of idiot relatives and crimes they have committed. I'd rather be "guilty of being Arab by virtue of my name" than "guilty by association to criminals with the same name".

If I marry again... hmmm... I may like to take my new husband's name. He has said when we marry he's going to take MY name. But I think he's joking. When you get married, you can actually put any name you want to on the marriage license paperwork and that officially changes your name (at least that's what I was told last time). So I may just come up with an entirely new name :)

I don't get that. What difference does it make what name is on your diploma?
My diploma from nursing school is in my former married name. Big deal. It's what you're doing NOW that is important.

So far, since 1984, no one has asked to see my diploma!! And I haven't dragged it out of the box since either. I am a licensed professional, and I had to change my name with the Dept of Professional Regulation, along with everything else...but the name on the diploma is irrelevant.

I'm confused about your rationale. :confused:

Hmm... I had to request a copy of my diploma a couple of years ago. It was going to be required as part of a "professional portfolio" I would have to be putting together for a certain type of job I was applying for. My name has changed twice since I graduated. The diploma document came with the college's new name (it's actually a University now, so that is where it's name changed), but it was still made out in the name that I used while I was there - my first name and maiden name.

PS:

Since I have a different last name than my kids, that did cause a wee bit of trouble with school officials, but only to the extent that they just always assumed MY name was the same as THEIRS, so they would address me as Mrs. __________ (father's last name). I just respond to that. It's not a big deal.

I did also have to for a year or so at each new school they went to remind them that my last name is thus and such, not the last name of the kids. Just because I know from past experience being in legal situations where it has been critical to have good records of time lines of events, I make it a priority to make sure all official documents have correct names on them. But other than that, it's not that important to me to have this name or that, or keep my maiden name. There is plenty enough paper trail by now for anyone to know whose daughter I am and who were my ancestors.

Okay, still not happy with the way your husband shut you down. I'm still liking the middle name as your maiden name (but I respect that what you think is more important than me). But I also wanted to say that in the meantime, ponder what is best for your kids. Maybe this is a silly thought, but will they enjoy writing out such a long full name in school when they are young? Kids try so hard to fit in with their fellow classmates and there will always be some teasing and meanness from others, no matter what anyone does. Later on, they can add in the hyphen by their own choice. I actually started using my mom's maiden name when I was in high school and applying to colleges. My two sisters kept their Chinese middle name given to them by our grandfather. I treasure the name I was given, but I always humorously thought it an attitude suggestion on his part. My name means peace, but I am anything but peaceful. Plus my first name is Italian in origin and derives from Mars, the god of war. I also tried fencing in college. My middle sister's name means harmony, and she is anything but harmonious internally. I can't remember what my little sister's name means.

In terms of passing on your culture to your kids, let them be very Americanized, but communicate through food and language. I am very Americanized, but I love browsing the oriental markets and enjoying the smells and all the odd foods that come with being Chinese. While I can't speak Chinese, there are still many Mandarin words floating around in my head. For me, I am Chinese enough and I embrace being an American. Anyway, savor one day at a day.

miu my kids are Chinese-American (their dad is from Beijing and I'm from Columbus, OH). They have enjoyed their trips to mainland China very much. It definately helps them identify strongly with their heritage. I wish they did know more words, but they know very few written and spoken. It makes it harder for them to communicate with their Ye Ye.

Really? At the time I was growing up, my mother's dialect is Mandarin, but everyone in the Chinatowns and my exdad's side of the family spoke Cantonese. In addition, my grandfather was a diplomat, so my mom was well traveled and learned her English in Australia. Her side of the family all speak English very well. She actually mostly spoke English to us at home and actually was very strict about us children not using American slang at the dinner table. When cooking dinner, my mom would use Chinese words for the cooking terms and ingredients.

My little sister spent a year in Taiwan between high school and college at an international school. I'm not sure how much Chinese she learned there.

I have to admit, that I have mixed feelings about my Chinese heritage. There are many good things about being Chinese and I love my genes, however I have never been happy with Taiwan and China not respecting copyright laws. I've warned my friends against investing in any Chinese stocks as I don't trust their business practices. And my heart breaks for Tibet. There are some other things too, but basically as a woman, I feel extremely lucky to be an American woman and my first loyalty will always be to the US.

And btw, my late uncle married a woman from Ohio! She was a DAR too.

Really? At the time I was growing up, my mother's dialect is Mandarin, but everyone in the Chinatowns and my exdad's side of the family spoke Cantonese. In addition, my grandfather was a diplomat, so my mom was well traveled and learned her English in Australia. Her side of the family all speak English very well. She actually mostly spoke English to us at home and actually was very strict about us children not using American slang at the dinner table. When cooking dinner, my mom would use Chinese words for the cooking terms and ingredients.

My little sister spent a year in Taiwan between high school and college at an international school. I'm not sure how much Chinese she learned there.

I have to admit, that I have mixed feelings about my Chinese heritage. There are many good things about being Chinese and I love my genes, however I have never been happy with Taiwan and China not respecting copyright laws. I've warned my friends against investing in any Chinese stocks as I don't trust their business practices. And my heart breaks for Tibet. There are some other things too, but basically as a woman, I feel extremely lucky to be an American woman and my first loyalty will always be to the US.

And btw, my late uncle married a woman from Ohio! She was a DAR too.


Being part Filippino means that my kids are part Chinese, too (since that is the ethnic mix that Filippinos are with what is it - Spanish? Italian? Other?)

Anyway, beyond the names which are not easily identified with any ethnicity or culture (except possibly Mediterranean), we do have a confusion over what to write on all the forms that always ask for ethnicity. We always put caucasion since the largest percentage of all our background is European, but we're all such a big mix truly - we don't have a category!

The identity problems and feelings of self worth that can be connected to a person's name is a big issue sometimes, sometimes not. It's really hard to know ahead of time what the future will bring. If I had raised my kids in North Carolina, nobody would have ever given a second look to them. They would have been assimilated with the southern, white bread culture there. They look caucasion enough, although perhaps a little Mediterranean (we can't decide what we look like and nobody ever can really guess). Their names would not have been out of the ordinary, certainly not drawing any attention. But we ended up being stuck here in the Bay Area of California, and at that, smack dab in the middle of the Asian and Hispanic community. Here, they have been harrassed, teased mercilessly, put down, discriminated against for both their names and their apparent caucasian ethnicity. Although my last name now is Arabic, and the kid's last name sounds Italian to me, most people outside of this area assume these are Spanish names. We get all our junk mail and marketing in Spanish language print.

All you can do is think of the POSSIBLE advantages and disadvantages of the name you want to choose to use, and then go with whichever has the longer list of possible long-term benefits for all concerned.

I agree that a longer, hyphenated name would be more difficult for a child to write (and for you if you happen to have to sign your name a lot - like on holiday cards? :) ) It's not insurmountable, but... how much do you care about how easy or hard it is to deal with a longer name.

My maiden name is 3 letters long, but it's so unusual that people always have trouble spelling it and when I have to spell it, they cannot accept that the word is written after 3 letters. So I lived with (and would continue to if I went back to using it) constantly having to have the spelling corrected, or explaining to people that they don't need to put a period after it because it's not an abbreviation.

My daughter's names are French in spelling, and not too long, but I have to constantly spell them (one of them is a very common name, too - even here in America). So we just go by the nickname that I gave her that's easier.

Nobody seems to ever have any trouble whatsoever with the son's name, although you might think it's an Italian name.

I knew a woman with the last name of Cruz. She once told me that in her south american culture, it's tradition to name a child with all the long list of ancestors to show the line of ancestry. She showed me her name - it had about 10 names.

Why not officially use the hyphenated names that you want, but just for every day practical purposes just use your husband's last name?

Ack... I sure do ramble a lot - sorry about that.

I had meant to reply to the above post only with the question:

"DAR ... Daughters of the American Revolution?" (I'm told I'm a DAR, though I have never officially registered - my ancestor was a drummer boy in the war).

Ack... I sure do ramble a lot - sorry about that.

I had meant to reply to the above post only with the question:

"DAR ... Daughters of the American Revolution?" (I'm told I'm a DAR, though I have never officially registered - my ancestor was a drummer boy in the war).
I think I ramble one worse than you! Yes, Daughters of the American Revolution. My aunt used to say that she looked forward to having a mixed daughter and then presenting her to the DAR for registration!

I agree that a longer, hyphenated name would be more difficult for a child to write (and for you if you happen to have to sign your name a lot - like on holiday cards? :) ) It's not insurmountable, but... how much do you care about how easy or hard it is to deal with a longer name.
On this, I feel that it's no big deal to us... as adults. But more that as young children and then teens, it could be a big deal.

I was very very lucky to have a wonderful schooling experience my whole life. My mother divorced my exdad over our schooling. We lived in NYC when I was really little. My exdad felt that we'd be fine at public school, but my mom was seriously upset at the thought. Not only over sub-standard education, but the possibility that we could have our lunch money taken from us by other kids. So I was about 5 when my mom divorced my exdad and met my wonderful stepdad (who was visiting Taiwan at the time). We had two years of private school in NYC, then a year in Portugal in a private English school, then onto the suburbs of the Boston area. I was never bullied or picked on. However, bullying is a problem in many schools. My YM was tall for his age and other boys liked to try to fight him. My eldest niece is 13 and was bullied in class last year by a girl that had issues. My nieces are half Kiwi and extremely tall for their age. Now you and I might say, wow I could now be a high fashion model! But to my nieces, they feel awkward and out of place. In addition, the older boys try to see who the first will be to nail them. I hate that my nieces are on the West Coast. Auntie in a black motorcycle jacket would like to have some strong "talks" with these kids trying to mess with my nieces. So yes, I feel that it's a lot tougher to be a kid these days. (Another yay for growing up when and where I did!)

I think I ramble one worse than you! Yes, Daughters of the American Revolution. My aunt used to say that she looked forward to having a mixed daughter and then presenting her to the DAR for registration!


Heheh... yeah now that you mention it, I recall having something of a similar thought when I was looking up who these DAR people are. Not that they all would be the same, but I remember thinking that a group I had read about seemed rather racist or white supremist and - I wondered how they would react to a muslim woman claiming to be a DAR? :D

Hey, it's their own rules... the lineage is through the daughters. My aunt also feels the organization overly white.

Oh yes, drink lots and lots of water. I also drink green tea, although oolong apparently is better for encouraging weight loss. I keep forgetting to buy some, but raw daikon radish is an excellent source of fiber plus the Japanese feel that it soaks up the oils in our food. It's the stuff shaved in the tempura dipping sauce at the restaurants. I've heard that Vitamin C is good for keeping the collagen firm. No soda, even diet soda.

This is sort of back on topic. I feel that couples that make the effort to eat and live healthy, and are encouraging each other to do so is a great sign of caring for each other. Especially if the encouragement is non-verbal and done in a subtle way. It sends a message of planning for a long life together. My YM's grandfather just passed away at the age of 90. So I feel that I am only at the halfway point in my life.

I still have my ex husbands last name. I've never liked it. When my ym and I get married, he is emphatic that I take his last name, and I really want to. My only "but" is that it'll be different than my kids, but we'll all get used to it I'm sure. I'm sure my daughter will be changing hers too one day!


That being said, I'd talk to him again if it's something you feel strongly about. I'd be really hurt if after all that he still wouldn't talk about it or even listen and consider it. :(

I am getting married this year, and I plan on taking my man's last name but also keeping my own as a middle name.

Regarding children, that is a different story. That is mainly because we will be living in the US, and my last name is VERY ethnically Norwegian, it even contains the two letters ø and æ :tongue2:

Therefore I would not have my future kids use my last name, as it would be too difficult and strange for most Americans to pronounce in the first place(none of those I've met so far can even pronounce my first name correctly), and I don't want to listen to it being "butchered" over and over again. :o
I might just give them my last name as a middle name, merely formally, but they would not have to use it other than for passports, official records etc.

I'm quite traditional, so that is also part of the reason. It will unite us more, in my mind, if we all will share the same last name.

I got my maiden name back in the divorce so I use both - hyphenated, and use which ever one is appropriate for the task. I use the maiden name for most business and the old married for things pertaining to the kids. When Rob and I finish our movies, then we can get married, I'll take his last name, it's a lot cooler than what I've got to work with now!

I kept my own name when I got married because changing it would have been an effort - requires extra paperwork as it is not the default to do so in this country. Basically people here wil take the name of the most prestigous family, if equals they will usually default to the guy, but like I say, extra paperwork ESPECIALLY for foreigners.

If I marry my boyfriend in future, I will take his name because I've come to loathe my own, it being exactly the same name as a famous porn star. I was made aware of this years ago, it only started to be an issue though thanks to the internet. I worked in journalism - anyone looking up my name on wikipedia... urgh. And it did happen, got sick of acquaintances saying "Hey, did you know, I looked up your name on the internet, and..." :(

There is no issue though about whether I changed my name or not. We do intend to be together, nobody embarks on a relationship like this without some aspirations of permanence, but if we marry, indeed are ABLE to, being non religious it would be largely for one of us to secure a visa. God, I don't want to repeat that pattern. But yes, I'd take his name just to get rid of my own. He honestly doesn't care.

Do pay attention to those red flags..:mad: No one has the right to control your choices.

Here is another perspective..... I took my ex-husband's name when we married in '77. I've been divorced and single for approximately 14 years. Following a six year relationship with my YM (me-53, him 37), we will marry next month.:yay:

I had always intended to take on his name -- never gave it a second thought, until just recently. Taking on a new name is no problem when it comes to my professional life, changing driver license, credit cards, etc. It was other personal issues that swayed me. Getting a new passport these days would be a real hassle. The migating factor, however, was my elderly Dad. I am his only child. He's a no-nonsense kind of guy and has already gone through the motions to put his affairs in order -- naming me as sole heir. Changing my name now would require him to update all his paperwork. Can't think of one single good reason why I should put him through all that red tape. :p

I discussed this with my YM and he was in complete agreement with my decision. I do plan, however, to take his name in the future. A quick trip to the courthouse is all it takes.

I've always thought long and hard about this one... I would like to keep my name due to publications and career established in this name, but I would also want my kids to have my name (and to have their father's name).

I discussed this with the SO and he's amenable to both of us hyphenating. Then I can keep using this name for business but we and the kids will all have the same name.

Luckily neither of our names is excessively long.

With someone else less accomodating, who knows what I would do! Luckily I don't need to worry about that!

I'd have to say that unless taking a new name would somehow affect a person professionally, why is it such an issue of contention? It might be old-fashioned and not entirely necessary (since we are no longer PROPERTY of our husbands!) but for some people it shows a level of commitment ...sort of like a wedding ring. I know lots of women who would be furious if their husbands up and decided that they just didn't see the need to wear their wedding rings anymore. Does wearing a ring make a man more committed? No...but try and convince any woman who sees it as a symbol of a man's love and fidelity towards his spouse that it is just an outdated and meaningless tradition that is unneccessary in today's world. Many men feel the same way about the name issue.

It took me about 6 months to finally get organized enough to change everything over into my new married name (ID's, checking account, credit cards, deeds to properties, etc). It was a royal pain in the butt from the paperwork aspect, but I had never even considered NOT taking his name. It meant the world to him the day I showed him my newly minted driver's license with the name "Mrs. N" because to him, it meant that I intended to be with him forever (I say intend because of course no one ever knows how things will turn out in the long run). He felt like it meant we were a "real" couple in the most traditional sense of the word....and he loved it. If it wouldn't have meant anything to him at all, then most likely I would have kept my old name to avoid the paperwork....

I will be taking my OH's name when we marry, but only because I don't like my current last name at all! I would be furious if he tried to dictate what I should or should not do, however - and I know he never would do that. It's my name and it's what I have to live with, therefore the decision about whether to change it is mine.

I would be rather concerned about your husband-to-be's attitude here, he's brooking no debate, and in doing so is blatantly attempting to control you. It could indeed be a sign of things to come...