hlrywvr 07-01-2007, 03:19 PM Ok, so pushing for marriage is not a good idea.....but sometimes I am soo worried that he is going to run away from this relationship! I'm 31 he's 21.
Most of the time, ALL is totally awesome! We spend as much time together as possible, we (my YM, my kids(2), and me) see eachother for some part of every day unless our work schedules don't allow.
I try not to bring up committment or marriage because he has made it very clear that he is NOT ready for marriage. "I'm just too young. How can I support you and the kids when I haven't finished school yet.....". So, I know how it is - I just don't talk future unless he brings it up. Like yesterday, he commented on the kinda of stereo system/TV he would like to have when we get OUR place. He talks future often!:) But there are times that he freaks out! "You and the kids stress me out! I'm too young to be worried about buying a house or getting married. I'm just not good at this relationship stuff!"
Of course, I've been through enough that I sense he is trying to get the nerve up to leave. I've told him that if he wants out, then he should just go. Of course, I don't want him to go!
I never believed in true love until him! I even tried to talk him and I both out of becoming involved as more than just friends afraid that the AG was just too much, and the fact that he had NEVER been in a relationship...AT ALL, but neither of us wanted to miss spending our lives with our "perfect" our "soul mate"!
So, the kids get to him, or I get to him, or he's stressed out by something else....he gets quiet, I know something is wrong, I push to find out what's up until he says he thinks he wants out. I tell him fine... leave! These scenarios never last more than a few hours before he comes back, crying and sad, and says that he can't leave, he doesn't want to leave, he loves me and needs me and can't ruin his life and future by walking away!
What the H? After all of this....I find it hard to feel calm and at ease about our relationship for awhile. I wonder when the next time will be that he freaks out about life and tries to blame our relationship. I know he is still maturing and learning how to be responsible as an adult, and how to be in this relationship, but though I love him more than I thought it possible to love anyone, he is freaking me out!
Has anyone else had this kind of problem? I keep trying to tell myself that it's just an age thing and that he will out grow it, and I just have to be patient, BUT.......Am I just being too stupid and too hopeful?:confused:
Chamaeleon 07-01-2007, 03:30 PM Ok, so pushing for marriage is not a good idea.....but sometimes I am soo worried that he is going to run away from this relationship! I'm 31 he's 21.
Most of the time, ALL is totally awesome! We spend as much time together as possible, we (my YM, my kids(2), and me) see eachother for some part of every day unless our work schedules don't allow.
I try not to bring up committment or marriage because he has made it very clear that he is NOT ready for marriage. "I'm just too young. How can I support you and the kids when I haven't finished school yet.....". So, I know how it is - I just don't talk future unless he brings it up. Like yesterday, he commented on the kinda of stereo system/TV he would like to have when we get OUR place. He talks future often!:) But there are times that he freaks out! "You and the kids stress me out! I'm too young to be worried about buying a house or getting married. I'm just not good at this relationship stuff!"
Of course, I've been through enough that I sense he is trying to get the nerve up to leave. I've told him that if he wants out, then he should just go. Of course, I don't want him to go!
I never believed in true love until him! I even tried to talk him and I both out of becoming involved as more than just friends afraid that the AG was just too much, and the fact that he had NEVER been in a relationship...AT ALL, but neither of us wanted to miss spending our lives with our "perfect" our "soul mate"!
So, the kids get to him, or I get to him, or he's stressed out by something else....he gets quiet, I know something is wrong, I push to find out what's up until he says he thinks he wants out. I tell him fine... leave! These scenarios never last more than a few hours before he comes back, crying and sad, and says that he can't leave, he doesn't want to leave, he loves me and needs me and can't ruin his life and future by walking away!
What the H? After all of this....I find it hard to feel calm and at ease about our relationship for awhile. I wonder when the next time will be that he freaks out about life and tries to blame our relationship. I know he is still maturing and learning how to be responsible as an adult, and how to be in this relationship, but though I love him more than I thought it possible to love anyone, he is freaking me out!
Has anyone else had this kind of problem? I keep trying to tell myself that it's just an age thing and that he will out grow it, and I just have to be patient, BUT.......Am I just being too stupid and too hopeful?:confused:
OUch the saying he wants out kinda bugs me with you also saying leave then.
Have you all tried counciling?? I think maybe someone helping you can get this sorted out.. and if he does not want to go..you go..It wont hurt a bit!
Rozie 07-01-2007, 03:43 PM I'm not sure this is entirely an age gap issue. Kids and house and relationships can stress out anyone of any age. I think unless he's really saying he wants out, you should take his tirades as simple venting.
My relationship is not with a VYM, so I might be all wet when I say this, but I would think in a relationship with someone who is still in school, the expectations of a spouse or live in partner would be different. Maybe he needs to hear that you are not in this to have him support you and you haven't asked him to marry you, so his anxiety is of his own making. Let him know that the house, kids and the day to day crises stress you out too, and that's why you love having him around! Tell him you want to be there for him when he feels this way, but what you can't put up with is this feeling that he is going to suddenly bail on you the moment things get rough.
As my YM keeps pointing out when I get a sudden surge of high anxiety about the future, realistic people don't go into relationships expecting them to be perfect every second of every day and its the stuff that we face together that becomes the glue that holds us together.
First, it's really tough being a single mom. Having two kids is going to make any guy ponder a lot over having a relationship with kids from another man. I forgot if you said from your other thread whether or not the children's dad pays child support. I can sympathize because one of my sisters is divorced with two teenage girls. Money isn't too much of an issue, but having kids takes the spontaneity out of the relationship. No running around naked in the house etc... lol. Plus most 21 year old guys that I know love buying the latest electronic gadgets and like to make their cars look flashier and go faster. Even if your YM is more mature than they are, it's still what his friends are all about.
Your YM sounds like a good guy and with lots of potential. If your heart is strong enough, have patience and see what direction he grows. However it could take several years for him to be ready for a family. But if your heart is getting too bruised or his actions are causing you to get stressed out, it's best to move on and find someone slightly older and ready to settle down. At 31, you are not at all old and should have plenty of other men finding you attractive. I honestly think that you can find a man more suited to your situation to love. Perhaps it could even be a single dad. My sister with the kids is now engaged to an OM and a single dad with a teenage daughter the same age as her kids.
We all get attracted to wonderful men that don't work out. It's just life how life works. Sometimes, there are clashes due to religion or how to save money and what to spend it on, to have kids or not, but everyone has different priorities. We fall in love first, then sort out the details later. And we only have one life to live, and you shouldn't have to change or compromise greatly for anyone, and neither should he. And when the relationship hits these bumps, sometimes it's smarter to stop going in circles and to find someone else to love. Only you can make this decision. Follow your inner voice.
Again, 31 years old is not at all old. At 48, I love my YM very much, but if I had to, I could walk away and still function. I know that there are other men out there that I could really hit it off with and start a new relationship if I wanted to. I actually enjoy having private time.
tinydancer 07-01-2007, 05:12 PM My two cents?
When a man says how he feels about what he wants out of life or when he wants it............I think it is the smart choice to believe him. I'm sorry.
If you are pushing him to have to make a statement.......stop.
My ex and I had gone back and forth for a year on the subject of calling it quits......It is very tough and scary to leave what has become familar.
I threw him out and he came crying back or I called him and asked him to come home several times in the last few months.
In my case, the final outcome is a good one for all but not one that at first glance would look that way.
He is gone and we are getting a divorce after 5 years together and although I am a little sad and have moments, still, of extreme anger towards him....I love the peace that I have in my life and home now.
Suppose none of this helps you figure anything out though:confused:
Again, for me, if a man of any age said he wasn't ready for the life you and your children have now........I would tend to believe him and make my decisions accordingly.
Blessings, TD
sheila4pd 07-01-2007, 05:34 PM According to my personal experience:
I think that he loves you very much.
I think that he rather not love you, but what can you do about love? :)
I think that you should not push towards marriage unless your number one priority is to get married and not necessarily with someone who is your soulmate.
Relationships take different directions, some grow, some fade. Be patient, have faith, but also observe carefully in which direction your relationship is going. Are his "I am leaving" vents more or less frequent? Is his talk about the future more or less frequent? Do not pester him about more commitment, it will come in time.
When my bf and I started, he used to say "Lets ride it (our relationship) until it crashes", now he says "I will always love you". He says "I dont want to be a dad" but he is concerned about my son's school, if he has done his homework and he cares about him. He still says "I am leaving" when he is mad but he never gets his luggage from the storeroom or books his trip back. :tongue2: He was 23 when we met and I believe that he is making an effort. like I am, to make things work.
Alawiy 07-01-2007, 06:04 PM Has anyone else had this kind of problem? I keep trying to tell myself that it's just an age thing and that he will out grow it, and I just have to be patient, BUT.......Am I just being too stupid and too hopeful?:confused:
I married a man who was 31 when I was 39 and he acted that way. At first, he wanted all the marriage stuff, and family. He loved my (2) kids and me, and the kids and I loved him. We had a great life for awhile (except that I had a medical disability that could be limiting in some ways, but not anything important where a relationship is concerned). We did have challenges as parents from time to time, and they were so different from anything he was familiar with, he really couldn't cope with that. He also lost a fairly good paying job and when he went into trying to be a real estate agent, he lost money and that didn't really work out too well. He just decided eventually he didn't want to be married anymore. He wasn't going to tell me this, but I could tell how unhappy and miserable he was. I finally got him to talk one day about it and get him to tell me openly and honestly what was on his mind.
It wasn't that he didn't love me... he did..(and probably still does). But he didn't want to be married. He couldn't figure out how to take care of us and his parents at the same time (they lived several states away and due to child custody laws in my state, I couldn't leave here). So we parted ways.
There was more to it than that, but I'm sharing to let you know it wasn't his young age chronologically. It was his lack of experience and parenting knowledge, etc. That can happen to anyone.
How long have you been with your guy?
I try not to bring up committment or marriage because he has made it very clear that he is NOT ready for marriage. "I'm just too young. How can I support you and the kids when I haven't finished school yet.....". So, I know how it is - I just don't talk future unless he brings it up. Like yesterday, he commented on the kinda of stereo system/TV he would like to have when we get OUR place. He talks future often! But there are times that he freaks out! "You and the kids stress me out! I'm too young to be worried about buying a house or getting married. I'm just not good at this relationship stuff!"
His short term life priorities are different from yours. Especially if the first thing that he is concerned about is having a great entertainment center. This to me, would be a warning sign that his idea of living with you is different from your idea of a family life.
hlrywvr 07-01-2007, 08:55 PM We've been dating for a year and have known eachother for 2. He says that he wants to marry me and (more importantly) spend his life with me and the kids. He's just not ready yet.
I was pondering back to when I was 21 earlier today. I wouldn't have even considered dating someone with kids! Shouldn't that speak volumes about his love for me? Another point I should make... I have only been divorced from hubby #2 for a litte over a year. My YM and I had been BFs before the divorce and only considered dating after it was finalized. And then very slowly at first for the kids sake. Sometimes I feel like I can't handle my life! For the first time, I have to grow up and take full responsibility for myself and my kids ie: pay the bills, take care of the housework, work a full-time job, worry about doctor appointments, where to take the car to get it fixed....I had never done all of these things alone before. And I don't want my YM to think that he is expected to or needs to help - these are my problems that I should be able to handle on my own. Why should I think that it any of this would be easy for him? I have an 'I want to marry you someday' ring. I just get scared when he freaks that eventually he will walk away because it is easier than staying!
From what you said in your first post, I don't think it is time for either of you to just throw you hands up and say - it's over.
I do think you need to chill on bringing up committment (or on your other thread trying to get him to marry you) ... his being in your life and your childrens' lives every day speaks for itself.
In some ways it almost sounds like you 'push' the conversation, so at some point he is convinced by you that he can't possibly be in this relationship. Let him make his own choices. If you keep telling him fine, you can just leave - it just may happen.
If all is good most of the time, why not just let it be and let the relationship unfold naturally. Enjoy this relationship. Enjoy all the 'new' things that you are learning to do on your own. The pride that you will feel will build your own self confidence.
I don't mean any of this in a harsh way. More just matter of fact.
Best wishes for you both.
Fae
I just get scared when he freaks that eventually he will walk away because it is easier than staying!
Hey, consider that everyone in a relationship has these same fears as you have. Even if there are no kids involved or the age difference. Life is not a sure thing and we just have to take what is thrown at us in stride. And of course, being a single mom adds more stress and uncertainties into your life.
So... first off. Don't panic. I picked up this phrase from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. In fact, never panic. Instead, take a deep breath and try to relax. And your kids shouldn't be seeing you panic either. Take life in smaller bites and stop looking so far ahead. You're not enjoying the ride.
Secondly, stop and assess your personal qualities. You have a great guy that loves you dispite being divorced and having kids. He chooses you over the girls his own age and without kids. You need to think more highly of yourself. More self confidence and thinking more positively is what you need your mind to do. Believe in yourself. And also know that should this YM not work out as your life partner, there are plenty of other good men out there. Don't sell yourself short.
irparis 07-01-2007, 10:13 PM Ok, so pushing for marriage is not a good idea.....but sometimes I am soo worried that he is going to run away from this relationship! I'm 31 he's 21.
And he just might and you're not going to die, because its not the end of the world. Because whether he marries you or not, it will not stop him from coming unglued when he's stress out or still worse walking out on you or the kids.
He's young, he has a different perspective right now, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but he's working things in his head that will help him to be a more responsible man down the road. If you felt when you were young you couldn't have handle children, then neither does he. And when we're young and feel so invincible, we look at things through rose-colour lenses until we are in the middle of the whole thing and then the light bulb goes off and we think "what the hay have I gotten myself into".
I would be leery of the constant "I'm leaving" statements though, I think at some point you're going to get fed up and say good bye, because who the heck wants to sit around waiting for the next shoe to drop. But I also think you're panicing because you've jump into another relationship so soon after your divorce and you've not given yourself the time to be on your own, respecting your own space and your kids space to heal and grow and find a better place to be. I think this is why this guy has become such a lifesaver to you. I'm not sure I would categorize it as love, although it might just disguise itself as such, but soulmates...nah...you sound too desperate, to clingy and he may be seeing this and feel you choking the life out of him. Since now you have to depend on you for most of the day to day details, I think you may be stressing out on doing all this on your own.
You have to figure out a way to relax...not for him, whether he moves on or not, you still have to live with you, and then your kids come next and he's last. You need a relationship holiday or else this relationship or any other will always be just an anchor to your feelings and not what it really should be. The added joy of just being in love.
Paris
christie 07-02-2007, 09:31 AM Iparis-great post. I was thinking everything you said.
This is not a pity party but....my husband died 3 years ago, my son died 3 months ago. I am still here and kicking and building a new life.
You will not die if someone leaves you unless you choose to.
You will get up, you will do what you do and you will move on. It takes time and guts and a small dose of self confidence.
He (your BF) is at a different stage in his life. Try to remember what you were like at 21 and don't push so much.
MisKryptonite 07-03-2007, 11:54 PM I never believed in true love until him! I even tried to talk him and I both out of becoming involved as more than just friends afraid that the AG was just too much, and the fact that he had NEVER been in a relationship...AT ALL, but neither of us wanted to miss spending our lives with our "perfect" our "soul mate"!
So, the kids get to him, or I get to him, or he's stressed out by something else....he gets quiet, I know something is wrong, I push to find out what's up until he says he thinks he wants out. I tell him fine... leave! These scenarios never last more than a few hours before he comes back, crying and sad, and says that he can't leave, he doesn't want to leave, he loves me and needs me and can't ruin his life and future by walking away!
What the H? After all of this....I find it hard to feel calm and at ease about our relationship for awhile. I wonder when the next time will be that he freaks out about life and tries to blame our relationship. I know he is still maturing and learning how to be responsible as an adult, and how to be in this relationship, but though I love him more than I thought it possible to love anyone, he is freaking me out!
Has anyone else had this kind of problem? I keep trying to tell myself that it's just an age thing and that he will out grow it, and I just have to be patient, BUT.......Am I just being too stupid and too hopeful?:confused:[/QUOTE]
Sounds like what I go through...in part...so you're not alone. My kids are older, so they don't bother so much...although I see my son waivering on whether or not to get attached. (My son is 9). I see my YM (21) going through the same thing...we don't get to the yelling part though, and neither leaves. I have learned that it's all too easy to tell someone to "go", when what you really mean is "don't go". You don't want to seem desperate or clingy...you don't want to "smother" him...but inside you know your heart just crushes when you think he's going to leave.
The way I get around it is to talk to him... I let him know I am behind him in whatever he decides and if he thinks this should be over, I start to agree....and wow...he changes his tune when it's me who wants to end it! I know this sounds like a game, and I HATE games...but it usually ends with him taking some time for himself, but telling me that he's never known someone who understands him like I do, and he just can't let go. Mine as well, ends up crying, which I don't like...but it's hard, especially for younger guys these days to express true emotion. Do I get scared and feel uneasy when this happens?...YES, but I wait until it blows over and then I tell him how much he scared me...and I let him know that sometimes I'm terrified by this too.
I don't know if any of this helps, Lord knows I'm no expert at this...but I know the love I feel for my guy and the love he has for me, and I may be a fool, but I'm learning how to have blind faith... sometimes it hurts, but it's worth it!
I question my own sanity too... a lot...and I've tried talking myself out of it as well, but the feelings are so strong and the connection is truly there. No matter how he acts sometimes, I feel it when he holds me or kisses me, unlike anything I've ever experienced...my true soul mate. They are immature with love this strong, and I believe they are scared, but they are not stupid, they FEEL it too...unlike anything else they've ever had before and it's too good to let go.
Maybe it's too soon for him to be living with you? Dating is one thing and everyone needs some personal space. Also maybe he'd be happier and have more self respect for himself if he could manage having his own place. I'm not questioning the love between the two of you, but just whether or not your YM is ready at 21 to be living with you and being around your kids.
My YM moved up north to live with me, but he's a few years older than your YM. He's also had his own apartments with roommates and that's an important growing experience for all young people to have imo. Otherwise, my YM moved into my house and I've got all the financial monthly bills stuff all worked out and it's better living situation for him than if he were on his own or with people his own age. I try not to be the head of the household and instead try to make it feel that we are equals. It takes more effort to hold back and include him in all the household decisions, when it would be faster and easier to do most of it myself. I do want my YM to feel like the man in my house. So I wonder if one of your problems is subconsciously your YM feels a little emasculated at the moment. Sometimes men get all emo, but don't know why.
Now my YM has a quick temper also. From talking to him about his family, I feel that his temper flashes come from his dad, who is also an alcoholic in denial. So knowing that, we both try to keep him out of environments that make him upset. By his own choice, my YM doesn't drink on a regular basis (maybe one beer every month or two) and he doesn't drive in rush hour traffic.
Angel 07-04-2007, 12:42 PM And he just might and you're not going to die, because its not the end of the world. Because whether he marries you or not, it will not stop him from coming unglued when he's stress out or still worse walking out on you or the kids.
He's young, he has a different perspective right now, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but he's working things in his head that will help him to be a more responsible man down the road. If you felt when you were young you couldn't have handle children, then neither does he. And when we're young and feel so invincible, we look at things through rose-colour lenses until we are in the middle of the whole thing and then the light bulb goes off and we think "what the hay have I gotten myself into".
I would be leery of the constant "I'm leaving" statements though, I think at some point you're going to get fed up and say good bye, because who the heck wants to sit around waiting for the next shoe to drop. But I also think you're panicing because you've jump into another relationship so soon after your divorce and you've not given yourself the time to be on your own, respecting your own space and your kids space to heal and grow and find a better place to be. I think this is why this guy has become such a lifesaver to you. I'm not sure I would categorize it as love, although it might just disguise itself as such, but soulmates...nah...you sound too desperate, to clingy and he may be seeing this and feel you choking the life out of him. Since now you have to depend on you for most of the day to day details, I think you may be stressing out on doing all this on your own.
You have to figure out a way to relax...not for him, whether he moves on or not, you still have to live with you, and then your kids come next and he's last. You need a relationship holiday or else this relationship or any other will always be just an anchor to your feelings and not what it really should be. The added joy of just being in love.
Paris
This is wonderful advice.
You know, I often times read these stories and I think I must be a terrible person because of how I am in my relationship. If my fiancé ever gave me this threat I'd put him out. I don't like to feel dangled by a heart string.
Yet, on the other hand, I had been guilty of feeling frustrated and making everything an all or nothing deal. Talk about a double standard, eh? :o
Sometimes the smallest frustration to everyone else just feels overwhelming to me. And I knew it was a personality flaw, not something I'd mature out of because I've behaved this way since I've been a teenager.
Whenever someone made me feel this way I would walk away or threaten to walk away. It seemed the only thing that differentiated my reaction was how strongly I felt for the person.
Even on this site recently I contemplated one person who annoyed me as being a good enough reason to give up a year of happiness I felt on this site and walk away. See how far reaching my flaw is? I can't escape it.
It's a terrible flaw, which I'm not very proud of, and it takes a lot of self restraint to keep it in check. I still feel the feelings, that has never changed. The only change has been my reaction to them. I can't change who I am, I can only adapt to working around my negative.
So, Hlrywvr, is this something he does across all arenas of his life or just your relationship? Because that says a lot to me. More so than his age.
Sure it could be something he'll grow out of, but at the same time it could be a character flaw. We all have one, it's just how much will it affect the happiness of both of you long-term? And you have to be willing to look at it as this is the best it's going to get (you can't say well if he changes, because you have no control over that). Can you live the rest of your life like this?
Because, if it's a character flaw I assure you it is a pretty substantial one. And it can destroy every relationship he has (not just yours) if he doesn't deal with it now.
For me as the hurt grew so did my response because I compounded it. By the end of 10 years (my marriage) that ball was the size of a small planet.
In this relationship, I still try to compound, but I now restrain it and try to remember that each pain is a case by case scenario and not to be added and subtracted whenever it benefits me. Part of this behavior pattern is also justifying the overreaction (Which is why compounding is so important to me. I could never justify ending a relationship over him not picking up his socks, but if I add all the pain caused in 2 years it suddenly becomes easier, even if it's still not rationale).
Now he may not be like me, I'm just saying if he is you want to see it honestly for what it is and I don't feel proud giving the details I just did. But if it helps at all then it's worth the cost.
But, please know that feeling frustrated and using his age as an excuse doesn't give him a free ticket to make you or your children feel like burdens. Don't ever give anyone such a cheap excuse to make you all feel bad.
It is never appropriate to behave this way and we often allow age to forgive bad behavior. This is bad behavior.
My 20 year old fiancé won't allow me to do it because it's hurtful regardless of age. No one wants to feel like someone else's burden especially not to our proclaimed 'soul mate'.
So it's time for a frank discussion with him. It will be uncomfortable and may risk your relationship, but better to be on the same page then to live in fear of getting on the same page.
It's only okay that he doesn't want a marriage right now if you are willing to not pressure him for one. Otherwise you two aren't on the same page and what you really have is a situation where you're trying to flip pages for him to catch him up to you. And I assure you it will have the opposite effect of what you are hoping.
Flustering someone doesn't make them think clearer. Quite the opposite. So if you do so you do so at great risk to your relationship.
You know that's not how life or relationships work. We get where we're going on our own. If he wants to be with you nothing will dissuade him from that path. But it works the same vice versa. So are you both really on the same page or are you trying to force a page because you're scared of a 'what-if'?
Remember, our homes should be a safe haven from the world. This is where we escape to find our clarity and meaning. If we come home to pain and unending pressure then where does one find that space to heal the wounds of day to day life?
Does that make sense?
You don't have that. You're coming home and walking on emotional eggshells. And you just don't have the burden of walking on shells for you, you have the burden of things you can't completely control, your children. That's a lot of stress and it's no wonder you haven't felt the same recently. You know as well as I do eventually an egg is going to crack.
And that's where self-reflection has to happen with you. Either you say he's your soul mate and love him for whatever time the fates have predetermined for you two or you move on because the risk is too great.
I can't decide what is right for you, but I can say living on egg shells isn't living either. I've done that path and it doesn't change the path that the relationship will take. All you'll do is prolong it from moving in any direction.
Just another thought to add to your growing collection here. :)
Rozie 07-04-2007, 01:21 PM And he just might and you're not going to die, because its not the end of the world. Because whether he marries you or not, it will not stop him from coming unglued when he's stress out or still worse walking out on you or the kids.
He's young, he has a different perspective right now, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but he's working things in his head that will help him to be a more responsible man down the road. If you felt when you were young you couldn't have handle children, then neither does he. And when we're young and feel so invincible, we look at things through rose-colour lenses until we are in the middle of the whole thing and then the light bulb goes off and we think "what the hay have I gotten myself into".
I would be leery of the constant "I'm leaving" statements though, I think at some point you're going to get fed up and say good bye, because who the heck wants to sit around waiting for the next shoe to drop. But I also think you're panicing because you've jump into another relationship so soon after your divorce and you've not given yourself the time to be on your own, respecting your own space and your kids space to heal and grow and find a better place to be. I think this is why this guy has become such a lifesaver to you. I'm not sure I would categorize it as love, although it might just disguise itself as such, but soulmates...nah...you sound too desperate, to clingy and he may be seeing this and feel you choking the life out of him. Since now you have to depend on you for most of the day to day details, I think you may be stressing out on doing all this on your own.
You have to figure out a way to relax...not for him, whether he moves on or not, you still have to live with you, and then your kids come next and he's last. You need a relationship holiday or else this relationship or any other will always be just an anchor to your feelings and not what it really should be. The added joy of just being in love.I have to agree. This is very sound advice. Stop worrying about what he's going to do, let him know why you love him and get it into your head that you are a strong woman and you will grow as a person, no matter what the outcome.
Its funny, I often find it so easy to tell others that, but its very hard to internalize myself!
Alawiy 07-04-2007, 03:21 PM We've been dating for a year and have known eachother for 2. He says that he wants to marry me and (more importantly) spend his life with me and the kids. He's just not ready yet.
I was pondering back to when I was 21 earlier today. I wouldn't have even considered dating someone with kids! Shouldn't that speak volumes about his love for me? Another point I should make... I have only been divorced from hubby #2 for a litte over a year. My YM and I had been BFs before the divorce and only considered dating after it was finalized. And then very slowly at first for the kids sake. Sometimes I feel like I can't handle my life! For the first time, I have to grow up and take full responsibility for myself and my kids ie: pay the bills, take care of the housework, work a full-time job, worry about doctor appointments, where to take the car to get it fixed....I had never done all of these things alone before. And I don't want my YM to think that he is expected to or needs to help - these are my problems that I should be able to handle on my own. Why should I think that it any of this would be easy for him? I have an 'I want to marry you someday' ring. I just get scared when he freaks that eventually he will walk away because it is easier than staying!
I can identify with this. I had been living on my own before I first got married, so I know about paying bills, etc. Also, after I divorced my first husband, I was divorced with kids for 6 or 7 years before I remarried. In addition, the two men I did marry didn't exactly help out that much even during the marriages, so I had a lot to do by myself even when I was married. But every little bit does help - and it's HARD to do it all alone! It's hard even if you do it, and do it well. I would say not to feel bad about wanting help and a statement of commitment that some day you'll get that is a good thing. I don't see it as a bad thing.
I readily admit I need help as a woman. Some women are superwomen and can do everything themselves easily. I'm not one of those women. I need a life partner beside me, on the journey, helping me while I am helping him, so that life's challenges and tasks are shared and we can have a mutual benefit from our efforts. With the mutual efforts comes a mutal satisfaction, too. Life is easier and happier when you help each other. Don't feel bad about wanting that.
My guy is 20, and I am sure at times he wants all this responsibility and to be a marriage partner. He says all the time he wants it. But I know that at 20, even if he has come from a family of 14 children, has lived on his own already for 5 years, and has the personality of being a provider, caretaker, head of household kind of thing, the reality is that once he's in a position of actually BEING head of household, that's going to feel a whole lot different! Having been in this position myself, of course, there is a great great satisfaction of knowing that you have made it through challenges and are still plugging along in life, a good wake trailing off behind you. But the reality at first can seem daunting. So I am expecting my guy to go through an adjustment of... confidence, I guess.... once he actually gets here and is the man of the house. I'm feeling confident of the future because I do believe he will meet the challenge and survive it with great success, but that doesn't mean the road won't be rocky.
When I was 20, I was kind of in the same boat. I hadn't been totally supporting myself for 5 years, but I had already been working and making money for several years, so I was semi-self sufficient. The reality of having to become TOTALLY self-sufficient was a challenge, but I did it just fine.
So I guess... look at who he is as a person. How does he normally face challenges? How much has he had to deal with in life already and how well did he weather his storms? Use that as a basis for how you are viewing your current situation, and not the fact that you're just not married yet or he says he's not yet. On the other hand, I wouldn't personally go very long without a commitment either. That's just me. But I'm from the old school of thought where you don't get into a long term relationship unless you're making a commitment to marry anyway.
Alawiy 07-04-2007, 03:25 PM PS - life is hard. I sometimes think I want out of my responsibilities and commitment, too. That's a natural human response to life's challenges sometimes. It doesn't mean I AM going to get out of it, or even take any steps to.
I think it's good he's been honest and open with you about his thoughts and feelings. I think it would be important for him to know he's having natural feelings and that he's human. But just let him know you want to share those challenges with him, and that you'll get through things - together. The longer he stays, maybe the more secure you both will feel.
hlrywvr 07-05-2007, 09:38 PM :mad:Sounds to me like some of you either don't really read these posts, or you just make up your own version of the details. I have a mother, and did not need a critique of my relationship, or a scolding for the feelings I have for my YM! I just asked if anyone had ever been in my shoes! MisK, thank you for answering my question.
'Soulmate'?.......I think I would know better than anyone else. We don't live together. And whether or not I would die without him...., well that's my choice.
It seems some of you must have the perfect relationship, or at least you think you do! I know I started posting here - no one made me. I was looking for others in my place, for those who could understand my situation to lend me a kind ear, and perhaps a supportive word. And most of what I have found is far from kind or supportive or understanding!
Alawiy 07-05-2007, 10:14 PM Ok, so pushing for marriage is not a good idea.....but sometimes I am soo worried that he is going to run away from this relationship! I'm 31 he's 21.
BUT.......Am I just being too stupid and too hopeful?:confused:
:mad:Sounds to me like some of you either don't really read these posts, or you just make up your own version of the details. I have a mother, and did not need a critique of my relationship, or a scolding for the feelings I have for my YM! I just asked if anyone had ever been in my shoes! MisK, thank you for answering my question.
'Soulmate'?.......I think I would know better than anyone else. We don't live together. And whether or not I would die without him...., well that's my choice.
It seems some of you must have the perfect relationship, or at least you think you do! I know I started posting here - no one made me. I was looking for others in my place, for those who could understand my situation to lend me a kind ear, and perhaps a supportive word. And most of what I have found is far from kind or supportive or understanding!
I think most people thought you were inviting words of advice, or an "opinion", based on the last line of your first post, which was a question not having anything to do with whether we'd shared the same experience or not.
Sorry if I misunderstood your intent.
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