How to reassure?

Although I'm a YW with an OM, I wanted some insput from the OW's around here. You guys are a smart bunch!

My OM has this constant fear that he is negative for me. He worries that he will cause problems in my family when we tell them and that he generally holds me back, because he has so much more baggage then me.

My question is, what can I do to make him see that I don't feel held back at all? Does the older person in a relationship automatically take on that 'responsible' role of looking out for the younger ones best interests? I want to be able to voice concerns sometimes without him saying "See, I'm so negative for you".

I mean, yes there is some baggage that can be tough to deal with. But our connection is so strong that its all workable, and when we have to tell my family if they love me they will just DEAL with it!!! Anyway, aren't age gap relationships getting more acceptable? I see people all the time in AGR's. A local politician in my area is dating a woman half his age, and it doesn't seem that big a deal.

Do you think my OM is looking for the reassurance from me that he isn't negative in my life? What can I say to convince him?

I can't really think of anything to suggest, but one thing is popping to mind.

The older I get, the more stress. The more stress, the more it shows in the condition of my skin, hair and health. But when I'm in love with someone that's good for me, the stress seems to melt away, and I start to glow again.

From the looks of you on your avatar photo - you look like you're glowing :)

Is he worried about their reaction to the age gap between you or their reaction to his baggage? I would be more concered about the baggage than the gap.

Your parents will naturally want your happiness and what they see as best for you. They will not want you to be in a position of dealing with baggage that you were not invoved in creating, etc. It could affect your finances, your choices of residence, your future babies etc.

You sound pretty grounded to me, so I assume they raised you well and will trust your judgement. You might want to think about the baggage too-sometimes love/lust colors your views on things until relationships become more established and then some of the things you thought were not so bad might bother you or impact your future too much for you to deal with. It is hard to learn to discern between what you want and what you need. That is why OW sometimes appear to be more grounded, more able to draw the line before things get to far cause we have been there, learned from our mistakes and don't want to make them again.

Actions speak louder than words. You didn't say whether or not you are in school or what you do for work. I would say what would reassure your OM is if you continue with your other life goals and plans. Let me see that while you love him, you are still going about your life just like you would if you were with a man your own age. Also make sure that he sees that you keep in touch with the friends that you knew before meeting him. Go to lunch with your friends, tell him in a casual way and just keep conveying to your OM that your life is happy and complete with him in it.

I think that when some of us first fall in love, we tend to spend more of our time with our s/o and less time with our old friends and we do different activities than we were doing before. This is natural, but when your OM is being overly sensitive to changing your life the worse, you need keep accentuating the positives in your life and point out how your life is still "on track" as it was before.

I can't really think of anything to suggest, but one thing is popping to mind.

The older I get, the more stress. The more stress, the more it shows in the condition of my skin, hair and health. But when I'm in love with someone that's good for me, the stress seems to melt away, and I start to glow again.


From the looks of you on your avatar photo - you look like you're glowing :)
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Howdy Liz B and a good evening to everyone else also .

As an OM (56) in a relationship with my sweet Jessica (22) she has quite a few times came across with many great ideas :eek: and at first when she told them to me and I ended up listening to her she was quite amazed, as her family ( Not a very functional group ) had never given her the chance to express herself let alone use any of her ideas that were successful . I did and am now enjoying the most wonderful fulfilling relationship that I have ever been involved in when we go out we have so much fun that I am almost ashamed to say it .
A lot of our fun is not that expensive either we go to programs at the library which are free , concerts in the parks and just doing a lot of walking which doesn't hurt me a bit at all I am losing weight and she weighs in at 110 and looks darn good at that she is 5 ft even.


An OM will ALWAYS have more baggage and it is all in how it is handeld
Just reassure him that his baggage is not a major thing in your life and keep the relationship headed in the right direction if that is your goal .

Keep up the good attitude Dear Liz and as always if ya need me I'm just an E- mail away <g> (((((((( Elizabeth B ))))))))) from Jerry from Ohio :yes:

Is he worried about their reaction to the age gap between you or their reaction to his baggage? I would be more concered about the baggage than the gap.

Your parents will naturally want your happiness and what they see as best for you. They will not want you to be in a position of dealing with baggage that you were not invoved in creating, etc. It could affect your finances, your choices of residence, your future babies etc.

You sound pretty grounded to me, so I assume they raised you well and will trust your judgement. You might want to think about the baggage too-sometimes love/lust colors your views on things until relationships become more established and then some of the things you thought were not so bad might bother you or impact your future too much for you to deal with. It is hard to learn to discern between what you want and what you need. That is why OW sometimes appear to be more grounded, more able to draw the line before things get to far cause we have been there, learned from our mistakes and don't want to make them again.


I thought about this all day. My OM brings a lot of baggage its true, but since I am committed to this relationship I need to be able to feel positive about it.

Are there other women/men out there that feel they bring a lot of baggage to their relationship? Do any OW think they burden their young partners with kids etc? How do you work through it and make it a positive thing, instead of feeling held back? My Partners baggage is his ex's and his disabled child. I mean, is it fair to punish him for somthing he has no control over? He is a really good man who takes responsibility, maybe he would have less baggage if he ran away from these responsibilities but he wouldn't be much of a man.

Any advice would be great.

It's all a package. Along with me, comes two ex husbands, four kids, six grandkids, six siblings, tons of relatives. And a lot of history.

For someone like him, an only child, with fairly reclusive parents, it was like culture shock.

I think the older partner always worries about making the younger miss something, holding them down, all that. The thing that made me stop that, was when I realized he's probably WAY less held back than he'd have been either staying where he was, or going out there on his own.

I think the thing you can do to reassure him, is to, in off moments, just mention off hand how lucky you feel, that he's in your life.

David still does this occasionally, and it's been six years. Nobody's ever made me feel less like a burden in their life than he does. And he does take care of me, more than either of my husbands ever did.

Here's the thing, Sweetie. He reassured me by accepting the package. He lets me know that the baggage is part of me, and if he loves me, he takes me, warts and all.

I've read your posts before, and it's pretty clear that you'd still prefer the suitcase was empty, and that's understandable. Your guy carries a pretty heavy load.

But it's up to you to open your heart up to his whole package, not just the parts you like. He can't do that for you, none of us here can, that's totally up to you.

It's time to be really honest with yourself, y'know. If the kids, and the ex, are too much for you to accept, than, better you exit now, before either one of you get hurt even worse. He can't get rid of his history, you're right, he'd not be a very good man if he did. His children will always need their father, his ex will always exist. His son will always be disabled. These things are part of what made him the man he is. If that's not for you, there's no shame in it, but it's not a real relationship then either.

The only thing that will reassure him, is when he knows you love the whole person he is.

Thanks Bella...your a wise lady, I always follow your posts. All of what you said is very true.

I guess I just feel that before I present this relationship to the world, I need to feel strong in it. I can hear my family saying that its ridiculous I'm with him, and that I'm ruining my life.

I just want to know, is it so ridiculous that I could have a future with this man? I know that ther are naturally some restrictions, but do you think that its possible I could find contentness in embracing my mans baggage, and maybe lessening the load?

Bella, did your parnters parents kick up much of a fuss about your relationship? How did he cope with it?

Oh yeah. His mom anyway.

His dad was more supportive. His mom asked me all kinds of things, like, can't I find a man my own age, what kind of woman am I using a young guy like that (although I'm still not sure what I could have been using him for).

He dealt with it, by not letting them out yell him, by letting them know he was sorry they felt that way, but this was going to be his life.

I dealt with it, by writing her a letter, putting it in a thank you card, and sending it to her, so she could process it on her own. I told her she'd done a wonderful job raising him, he was a good man. That I'd always make sure that he kept his relationship with his parents, and that my main goal was to make sure that he wasn't harmed by our relationship. She's thanked me for how he's turned out, although that has very little to do with me, he's a good person, and would have been fine anyway.

Here's the thing. To your parents, and family, you're still occupying the role you grew up in. It'll take time for them to process you in a different role.

It's been my experience that people outside of your relationship, including family, take on the impression that you give them. If you act like there's something to be ashamed of, they'll respond accordingly. If you spring him on them as a done deal, it may be a lot harder for them, than if you matter of factly mention from time to time, "the man I'm seeing". If they ask questions, bare bones info, but not like you're hiding something. When they discover the age, and the circumstance, a questioning look, and an "its not something I consider a problem".

If your usual pattern in the past has been to gush about relationships, or at least talk about them openly, acting like you're hiding it will give them license to disapprove.

My theory on matter of factness works equally well here too. If anyone acts strongly disapproving, matter of factly saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way, I hope you're able to overcome your feelings" instead of being all defensive takes lots of the wind out of the sails.

Parents, that's a biggie ball game. My dad was actually the worst person to deal with. I finally just told him he was entitled to his opinion, but this is my life. That I wasn't asking for his blessing, but I was expecting his acceptance. I told him that I had no intention of not being part of my family, but that David was part of my life now, and if he couldn't handle that, out of respect for him, I'd stay away, if David's presence was a bother to him.

He settled it in his mind that I had always been a rebel anyway, and that David was just my rebellious nature. Whatever worked, I guess.

Even when you squirm inside. And even after 6 years, I still have that squirm sometimes. If you act all wierd, people will respond accordingly. Even when you're totally faking it. Matter of factness, and practice a blank, slightly questioning expression.

It's not so ridiculous to think you could have a future with this man. He sounds like someone you can trust. He's proven himself dependable. As for what you can handle, and embrace, only you can be the judge of that. If you can't, it's not something to be ashamed of.

This is part of being a grown up, having to make really hard choices. And sometimes those choices really hurt, and really really suck.

All you can do is your best.

My best advice if you choose to accept this though, is to really embrace him into your life, and your whole life. Your family is obviously important to you, and if he's part of you, they deserve to know him as well.

Well look - it is hard. And the problem is that as much as you think now that you can handle it all, the only answer is who the heck knows and time will tell. And yes, your OM knows this. The only way to proceed is to look him in the eyes, admit that of course you don't know what the future holds and who you will be and want to be in 10 years, but if you didn't take a chance with him, you'd wonder what would have happened for the rest of your life, and you can't do that. So guarantees or not, you're just going to have to jump in there with him and take the risk and do your best. That kind of honesty will probably reassure him more than a million protestations that he's what you want and you will NEVER change your mind.