Growing together

hi all,

first i want to say how thankful i am for this forum, just when you think no one can understand your situation, you can just log on and see they do.

my partner is 18 yrs older than me and has 3 teenage/college children. i am currently 27. we have been together 2 yrs. we have our ups and downs like normal couples and sometimes age difference bothers one of us and alot of times it doesnt. i think it can be hard sometimes when my partner feels self concious around my friends. they love my partner, but my partner sometimes feels like the oldest person in the room or wishes we were around people closer to the same age. we each have our own friends, and i hope soon to develop friends together (ive just moved to the same area a while back).

we have so many similar outlooks, temperment, values, enjoy doing the same things, and very similar senses of humor, and i really feel we are compatible. its the most connected ive ever felt to anyone.

now that i am closer we are able to share more parts of our lives...and i like thinking about creating a mutual life, with perhaps our own kids one day. i am eager to develop our life together. as i seek to find peers and friends of my own i am also working to develop a relationship with my partner's children, who i have known for several years. so often time we spend time either in "my world" or "my partner's world"...and its beginning to blend a little more.

so this long rambly post is just to ask how do you blend these things? how do you share where you both are, and be at the same place together with the ability to grow together and appreciate the unique things you each bring to the table, without necessarily viewing them as differences. i know being open to the other persons space and the things important to them are key. but i guess id just really like to hear from others how they have honored where they both are, spending time with their peers and family ,and creating the joint space between....

i would love to hear your thoughts....

Hey, welcome ... and if you want to see the definition of "rambly" - read my posts (especially in LDR) LOL

I just wanted to say that I read your post and thought, wow - I wish (and I bet all of us OW wish) that our young men had such clearly thought out intentions to make the relationship work.

Man, if you are discussing this with her, or I should say, if my young man asked me these questions, I'd be in 7th heaven because it would mean to me that he really cared. It would be such a good sign that you're in the relationship for all the right reasons, and you're not ego-centric at all. What a lucky woman yours must be to have you!

I don't really have answers for you. In my case, my relationship is a 27 year age gap and to now is still just a long distance relationship (LDR), but he has voiced the same concerns as you have in your post. The way that he has been trying to develop a relationship with my kids (16 years old boy/girl twins) is to "be" with us as much as he can. We go on the speaker phone. If we're here at home or out somewhere and he calls, it's on the speaker phone so whatever communications he and I are having, so are the kids. (Not all phone conversations are on speaker phone, but a lot have been, and they have done a lot to make us feel all together.)

The other night, my daughter was pleading with me to go along with a plan she had devised. I wasn't so sure about it. He called, wondered what we were debating, and I put her on the phone with him. He listened to her argument, said a few words to her, and she said, "See? That's what I mean - can you talk to mom? She'll listen to you!" He talked to me, I listened to his addition to the argument, I agreed with the both of them, and they were BOTH so happy after that. He got to be a mentor/advisor and participate in the kids' lives (and he's only a few years older than they are), and my daughter got to feel a sense of accomplishment and success with her argument, too. She got to experience also that a man in our lives can be a good thing :) LOL

He doesn't push himself into the family dynamic here. But he remains aware of what's going on and he finds opportunities to participate like that.

Sorry - I can't think of anything else right now that would be helpful. Don't know if this was helpful either, but thanks for posting. It made me feel really happy to know that there's someone out there asking the questions you asked!

Alawiy--We have some couples that are same sex here...

Superteetlig-- I think by the tone of your post, you are well on your way. You sound like you are so in love and willing to put in the efforts that make spanning the age gap easier. :) You and your SO are lucky!

For me, I thought it would be harder to blend the two different ages than it was. My partner's friends (who are all 24-25)/family were so accepting of me... Maybe too accepting. I almost feel more comfortable as a couple in their circle than in mine...

It's harder with my friends, because most of the people I hang out with are from my professional life, so with co-residents I may get a few stares, but with older doctors, I thought they may actually penalize me for this.

Well, at graduation everyone (including the older docs) met my SO and was very accepting... so this hopefully will become a thing of the past.

I think what it comes down to, is if you two are happy and confident, that will shine through. People love to be around a happy couple, and before you know it "my friends" and "her friends" will become "our friends"

PS: How's the parent thing going? (I remember your post in another thread)

Oh okay - thanks Zolie for pointing that out. I still think my post can still be taken generally to apply (I hope?)

You know I kept thinking while I was posting if the OP was a YM or a YW posting accidently on the this side of the board! LOL

Sorry, Super

Aliway - no worries about the misinterpretation, it was my fault really. Sometimes I try to write gender neutral so I can get a variety of insight, I think some people may not see the parallels or think its a different dynamic with same sex, lol, I never know where to post! But I really was seeking insight from the OW partners so thought Id use this forum...thank you for your thoughts, they were very kind.

Zoliepup - Thanks for your post. I think it was really helpful. Its funny because sometimes I think normal relationship development gets viewed through the AG angle...for example its always takes time to blend with friends of partner, but I do agree that the age can be a different factor. I just want my partner to feel more confident....because my friends love her, and they totally get our relationship. I guess I want to learn ways to help each other - like her feel comfortable getting outside of her comfort zone to do the things Id like to do, and me growing and learning outside of my comfort zone as I build a relationship with her children, and her siblings, who are all older. I think there are some insecurities that come up occasionally as well, such as her thinking it'd be easier if I was with someone younger, and me thinking maybe she'd be happier with someone older and also who had kids...but I think we all have those concerns.

As far as my parents, still the same. I really am at a loss at what to do. They live 2 states away so we dont have the luxury of pushing the issue in person....so its easier for them to avoid the subject. I was at the beach with them a week ago, its a annual gathering, and the issue wasnt brought up at all....but I think a bit of that is mixed with the sexuality issue. Point is, I dont know how to gently but firmly push the issue. THey still view this as me choosing my partner over them...when really I feel like I am inviting them to be a part of my life, and that they are choosing not to.

I cant remember, what was your situation with parents acceptance? And what is your age difference?

Our age difference is only 11 years, not so bad in the broad scheme of things... The parents have all been pretty amazing about it... but if you want to get into parental disapproval, the whole way I've chosen to live my life just begs my parents disapproval...

They've bugged me to get married and have babies my whole adult life, and I think they are so bummed that I'm holding out for what I think is a great relationship, and that in all likelihood at this point the grandkids they'll be getting will be adopted. (which is fine by me!) They don't understand why their crazy daughter wants to travel the world and be a doctor (gasp, shocking!). And they think I'm a crazy liberal nut-job (their words, not mine) :) I have been, in their eyes, somewhat of a black sheep.

But they love Chris, and so that's been a huge bridge for us. They wish I could've found someone my age, but they accept that I haven't. And I think they are genuinely happy that I'm happy, so that's a huge step!

i work in adoption, so im a huge fan! ;)

the hard thing for me is that growing up i for the most part was an easy child, i didnt do anything outside of their expectations. when i went to college i started developing into my own person, making decisions that helped me grow and didnt necessarily fit into their "ideal plan" for me - and it has sort of been that way ever since. so im sure this is just the icing on the cake in that department ;)

my parents have said things like they wish i could find someone closer to my age so they could bond with them...and my thoughts are, if you love me and realize this makes me happy, whats keeping you from bonding with my partner? i know the age can be intimidating (they are about 7 yrs older than my partner) - however, i wish they could make the effort, acknowledging that this is an important person in my life.

How long have they known about the relationship? I am a big believer in time helping to fix things... When they see that the sky is not going to fall, that you are and have been happy together, that nothing bad is going to happen, then maybe all this will melt away.

(hopefully!)

they have known since feb 06. i hope you are right! im trying my best to be patient...

We don't have a very large age difference and we really DO mirror each other's likes and interests, so there's never been too big of a problem in meshing our lives. Rob was kind of concerned briefly about the kids liking him but that proved to be an unfounded concern. My kids think he's fantastic, they get along pretty well.

so this long rambly post is just to ask how do you blend these things? how do you share where you both are, and be at the same place together with the ability to grow together and appreciate the unique things you each bring to the table, without necessarily viewing them as differences. i know being open to the other persons space and the things important to them are key. but i guess id just really like to hear from others how they have honored where they both are, spending time with their peers and family ,and creating the joint space between....
My YM and I were best friends first. Similar interest and hobbies, similar temperament.

In the three years that we've been a couple, we've taken several long roadtrips together, enjoy finding new ethnic restaurants, cooking together, go to libraries and bookstores and have three dogs and two cats. We are into cars, so we autocross and go to junkyards for parts. He gets a real kick that I enjoy poking around the old cars. Not many guys have girlfriends that are willing to go to a junkyard with them, let alone actually enjoy being there. In lieu of us making human babies, having the dogs and cats as our children instead is a very close substitute (for us).

I've read that doing new things together helps a couple form strong bonds.

thanks for the post miu. that sounds like some good ideas. currently we both enjoy movies, dinners out, grilling, kayaking, reading, things like that. how have you handled your separate friend groups?

Sometimes the best way to honor our differences, is to accept and openly acknowledge them. I would say that a good proportion of my conversations with my YM's friends boil down to their soliciting my opinion, as an older woman, about events and people in their lives. In a way its sort of being treated as a mentor (damn I hope I am worthy of the confidence they put in me) but, I get enough teasing from them to feel completely their peer in other situations. These are good people!

thanks for the post miu. that sounds like some good ideas. currently we both enjoy movies, dinners out, grilling, kayaking, reading, things like that. how have you handled your separate friend groups?
Well... all of my friends and family know his age. I guess that we are cheating in the sense that we still have not told his family my true age and not his young friends. They think me in my mid-thirties. At first, it was because we were not sure that we were going to stay a couple. And then, it was because he was going to be moving 1500 miles away from his family to live with me. Everyone in his family likes me a lot, and it did not seem worth it to us to have them worry any extra about him. At some point, we will tell his mom. As she married a man about 15 years her senior two years ago, I think that she will understand and be accepting of our situation. I feel his youngest sister (21) too shallow to ever understand what we have. In the meantime, his family thinks me a wonderful and supportive influence in his life. They like to ask us when we plan to get married and they think that we would have beautiful children together.

To my YMs friends, I am like a big sister to them.

hi all,

first i want to say how thankful i am for this forum, just when you think no one can understand your situation, you can just log on and see they do.

my partner is 18 yrs older than me and has 3 teenage/college children. i am currently 27. we have been together 2 yrs. we have our ups and downs like normal couples and sometimes age difference bothers one of us and alot of times it doesnt. i think it can be hard sometimes when my partner feels self concious around my friends. they love my partner, but my partner sometimes feels like the oldest person in the room or wishes we were around people closer to the same age. we each have our own friends, and i hope soon to develop friends together (ive just moved to the same area a while back).

we have so many similar outlooks, temperment, values, enjoy doing the same things, and very similar senses of humor, and i really feel we are compatible. its the most connected ive ever felt to anyone.

now that i am closer we are able to share more parts of our lives...and i like thinking about creating a mutual life, with perhaps our own kids one day. i am eager to develop our life together. as i seek to find peers and friends of my own i am also working to develop a relationship with my partner's children, who i have known for several years. so often time we spend time either in "my world" or "my partner's world"...and its beginning to blend a little more.

so this long rambly post is just to ask how do you blend these things? how do you share where you both are, and be at the same place together with the ability to grow together and appreciate the unique things you each bring to the table, without necessarily viewing them as differences. i know being open to the other persons space and the things important to them are key. but i guess id just really like to hear from others how they have honored where they both are, spending time with their peers and family ,and creating the joint space between....

i would love to hear your thoughts....

Well I am 41 my partner is 20 We are now officially blending! LOL At first it was rough because we did not know how his friends would react BUT they are in full support and cant wait to go out with us. ( I dont act my age I never will!)
At first we were worried about the age thing but not anymore!

Sometimes the best way to honor our differences, is to accept and openly acknowledge them. I would say that a good proportion of my conversations with my YM's friends boil down to their soliciting my opinion, as an older woman, about events and people in their lives. In a way its sort of being treated as a mentor (damn I hope I am worthy of the confidence they put in me) but, I get enough teasing from them to feel completely their peer in other situations. These are good people!

Now that you mention it, I've been in the position, too, of being asked my advice for something for friends of his. While not geographically there with him, I was a part of conversations going on with his friends and they would ask me questions. I got some "she's smart!" responses. His friends have been urging him to quit procrastinating and come to me (physically), so I guess those exchanges may have helped his friends get to know and bond with me.

thank you guys for your posts, they are really insightful. i definitely think my friends are accepting of my gfriend. they ask her questions as well, especially about her kids, but love goofing around and teasin her, getting to know her better, which i love. i think one thing i have realized is that age difference in a same sex relationship can bring up some interesting issues - i think (and please correct me if im wrong) that in a diff sex relationship, its not as easy to compare yourself with your partner to the exactness of if you are the same gender. i think no matter what gender at some point everyone does the thoughts about the people our partners age or what would it be like to be their age, but i think it adds a different layer maybe that we are trying to navigate. i dunno. just rambling thoughts. i think learning to recognize and appreciate differences is important and to view those as valuable and not a threat.

I'm not sure what you are trying to say, but let me give this a stab. In a same sex relationship, because you share the same gender, you might identify more strongly with what your partner experiences. For example. if she has a bad day at the office because of her sexist boss, you feel more pain for her, because as another woman, you know exactly what that experience is like. Its called sensitivity. And yes, I think a same gendered partner my be more sensitive to some gender based issues, but I don't think anyone can make any sweeping generalizations about this.

Its rather like saying a same aged partner should be more sensitive to issues that are age related. But in my own marriage, that simply did not happen. See, the thing that keeps me from agreeing whole heartedly with you is this wonderful thing called individuality. We are so unique that generalizations usually don't work.

I'm rambling now too. Am I even close to understanding what you are trying to say?

hi rozie,

thanks for your response. i think what i was more meaning to say is when i have been in diff sex relationships that when my boyfriend wanted to do something with his friends or something of "guy interest" i didnt mind at all that he go and do that and vice versa. but with same sex, first it seems a little harder to navigate those together and separate times, but also its easier to reflect on our ages and compare such as where she is as a 40 something female and where i am as a 20 something female...i think this comparison does exist in age gap heterosexual relationships for sure, just perhaps in slightly different form. i dunno if what im saying makes sense....