No Short term solution..is there ANY solution

Like many of you I met my ym online.
We met on a MMORG. To be effective in the game requires a voice program called Teamspeak, so basically he heard my voice, was "enthralled" (his word) and began to persue me. I put him off for about a month because I had recently come out of a relationship a couple of months before and frankly couln't even really wrap around being attracted to anyone.
Anyhow, this is the gist of the issue:

I live in the Midewest of the United States. He lives in Montreal. We have seen each other a few times, me going there because I have the capacity and currently he is so tied up that he cannot leave Montreal. I consider his reasons valid, so that is not a problem, it could change in the future soon and he will reciprocate.

The problem is, niether one of us see the possibility of us being able to move to be with the other anytime soon.

On his side he is a professional musician and his career is in Montreal. Leaving the city would devastate his career.
On my side, I am self employed, can work from anywhere in the world, however I have a 14 year old son from a previous marriage and I cannot move him from where he is due to custody agreements with his father. My son does not want to move anyway. Obviously my greatest committement is to my son.

So my guy has become very depressed about this. He wants a "normal life" and he wants it with me. He loves me and is declining to end things, but he is also very torn over the distance.
On my end, I am not happy about the distance and I am able and willing to travel to see him. My custody arrangement allows for that because my son spends significant time with his father.

I don't know that I am actually being pressured to do anything, but I don't know what to do. My guy can be quite pessimistic about things in his life anyway. I obviously have limitations here and so does he.
For me, I AM willing to relocate to Montreal if the relationship is successful.
My guy is very caught up in RIGHT NOW though..right now being the next year. He needs to see somelight at the end of the tunnel and I don't know what to tell him.
Does anyone have any advice?

Unfortunately International LDR means someone has to make a really big, culture shock, often expensive and dealing with immigration move eventually. Wish it weren't true, but it just is. I had a similar situation to yours. I have 4 kids and all minors at the time I met Dev. He too is Canadian. I was bound by 2 divorce decrees to my location, but more than that, I wouldn't ever have even considered taking my children away from their fathers. Devon was younger than your guy and though he had no career, he was in college. He was the only one capable of making a move. We did the fiance visa and were married in Feb 2005. He misses Canada and I know he'd prefer to live there, but he made the sacrifice to be with me.

Ultimately it comes down to this... in an LDR... for it to end... somebody has to make the sacrifice.

Aw Marcy, I am so happy it worked out for you!
What does Dev do now? Is he building a career here in the US.

My guy is developing an internet business on the side of his music. He feels he is getting a bit mature to be in that scene and wants something else. I think that if he took a bit longer view, he would feel better, but he has a very dynamic go getter personality and worries over things a lot if he gets "stuck".

how long have you known each other?

i too was an international relationship.. US/netherlands. my husband at the time i met him had a 15 y/o son that he had custody of, so our plan was to wait it out till he turned 18.
you are self employed, willing to relocate, your son has a good relationship with his father? are there any options there to share physical custody?

discuss with your YM the idea of visits there till your son turns 18, start getting comfortable with that and if he can hang in there for the haul. i know how hard it is!! although our circumstances changed, the commitment to each other and obligations to his son was there...from both of us.

Aw Marcy, I am so happy it worked out for you!
What does Dev do now? Is he building a career here in the US.

My guy is developing an internet business on the side of his music. He feels he is getting a bit mature to be in that scene and wants something else. I think that if he took a bit longer view, he would feel better, but he has a very dynamic go getter personality and worries over things a lot if he gets "stuck".


Dev is a fulltime student at Ohio State University. He hopes to build a career here in next few years and he's going to be doing an internship in the next year.

I suppose... and this is a big IF...

Would it be advisable to leave your son with your ex and go to Montreal for say 6 months to a year and see if this is going to work out. Because although you've both meet, blah, blah, blah...you both have not had any long term togetherness to really iron out the kinks in the relationship. And online is just a fantasy until reality sets in. Flying back and forth can get costly and it really doesn't solve anything but put a bandaid on the situation until something hits the fan.

After that you would have to sit down and talk to your ex about how to rearrange custody visits, or would that be considered abandonment. I don't know, not sure how those laws work here, or if your relationship with your ex is on good enough terms to see that through. And then your son is older and might or might not understand the implications or may see it as his mother abandoning him for a man, but is there some way to help him not see it that way.

Eventually as Marcy says, something's gotta give. How long have you and the ym been together? It would seem that if he's doing something different as per his music online, he has the capacity to move. Or you both can wait it out for a year and see how it goes in that time, there is no rush on this, is there? If he wants things decided now, well, that's too bad, he's going to have to chill out and find some other way of maturely look at this. Because frankly, you have a child and he comes first.

Paris

^^^ I like irparis' suggestion. Also how old is your YM?

Actually, I received this email from him just a few minutes ago.
I am hurt and I do not know how to respond. It sounds like it is over. Here it is. For the record, I have not told him I would not move to Montreal. I have told him that I cannot come there full time right now.
My son is detaching from me as he gets older. He is becoming more independent. His dad and I have a fantastic relationship and all three of us are fine with adjusting things to accommidate life.
I did have a prior long distance relationship for many years. My BF was in England and we traveled a great deal. Eventually it just fizzled because we could not be together more. I couldn't move there and once again he had a 20 year career there and was unwilling to relocate.

We have not really been together that long, 3 and 1/2 months. I feel this is rushing things on his part, but I don't know. This is what he has said:


But being together or being a couple will unlikely occur.
- You wont leave IOWA and I won't leave Montreal.
I want you to know that I really enjoy spending time with you and I truly admire
you for many of your qualities, like being a good mother and doing your own
business. I respect that fully. It is honourable.

I would remain happy to be close to you but we must realize the fact that we
cannot be together, thus, I offer you the option of detach of me if it would be
easier for you. I want all the best for you and I, but a US together is unlikely to
happen.

I want both of us to be open to meet real people in our respective city, and I
would understand and accept the fact if you meet someone who could actually fit
better for you. I also ask you to accept that possibility if it happens to me. I
am not looking but I won't close myself to date a girl if the occasion occurs.

There are many people that we can love in this world, and we met one of them by
meeting each other. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem possible. That's the sad
reality. And I am sad of it.

I will care for you, as I used to do since the very first time I met you, this
delicate and sexy girl.

I only want the best for us and being honest about our current situation.

I wish I could hold your hand...but I can't

Try to remain positive, I will do the same.

Let's talk tonight if you feel like it.

With love...

Just want to say that my basic reaction is that obviously he does not have enough feeling for me to WANT to make it work. And those are his feelings and I cannot condemn him for the lack of them.
I am deeply sad though. :(

He just turned 36.

I suppose... and this is a big IF...

Would it be advisable to leave your son with your ex and go to Montreal for say 6 months to a year and see if this is going to work out. Because although you've both meet, blah, blah, blah...you both have not had any long term togetherness to really iron out the kinks in the relationship. And online is just a fantasy until reality sets in. Flying back and forth can get costly and it really doesn't solve anything but put a bandaid on the situation until something hits the fan.

After that you would have to sit down and talk to your ex about how to rearrange custody visits, or would that be considered abandonment. I don't know, not sure how those laws work here, or if your relationship with your ex is on good enough terms to see that through. And then your son is older and might or might not understand the implications or may see it as his mother abandoning him for a man, but is there some way to help him not see it that way.

Eventually as Marcy says, something's gotta give. How long have you and the ym been together? It would seem that if he's doing something different as per his music online, he has the capacity to move. Or you both can wait it out for a year and see how it goes in that time, there is no rush on this, is there? If he wants things decided now, well, that's too bad, he's going to have to chill out and find some other way of maturely look at this. Because frankly, you have a child and he comes first.

Paris


I was in a LDR with a guy for 2 years that I met online. He moved from Australia to the states LA, which was the only opening that his job had for him to transfer to the plan was for him to transfer to LA for year then take a position with his California company branch. That was the plan, instead he got to Louisianna and was there for all of 5 months met a woman in a bar and slept with her. Needless to say that ended the relationship.

My point was that at one point I thought of leaving for a few months to try to see if the relationship was going to work once we were in real life situations. I had 4 kids then from my previous marriage and let me tell you that did not go over well. My kids cried and said How can you leave us for some Man, some man you met online? They felt very rejected and unloved and I just couldnt do that to my kids. In the end it turned out to be the right decision because the exbf couldnt keep his pants on. But Even now, 2 1/2 years later when it comes up in conversation I can see that the mere suggestion had hurt my children deeply. All I can do now is make them understand that in the end, I chose them over "some man." Things are so much better now.

Good Luck to you, I know a lot of couples that suceed in LDR and I know couples that make a success from an online relationship. I wish a happy ending for you.

I would say 3.5 months is a fairly new relationship, but not too new to know that it is or isn't a possibility. I'm sorry you are sad, but I would agree with you. This is a matter of him caring for you, but not ENOUGH to see himself making a big sacrifice to be with you...

I think it boils down to something very simple--no marriage, no moving--unless you had wanted to relocate and you'd be okay being there should the relationship not lead into long-term.

I've heard of so many situations where one partner moves to keep the relationship going and it fizzles out once they get there. And I've also heard of situations where neither partner moves and they eventually marry. The younger sister of my friend actually moved across the country right after her first date with her now husband.

My point: moving or not moving never makes or breaks a relationship...if it wasn't meant to be in the first place.

While it may be hurtful, I feel that your BF's concerns are valid and realistic, not necessarily that he doesn't care enough. He's known you a short time and I imagine an LDR could be painful and different people handle it in different ways. I personally would not choose to be in one, but obviously if I found myself in one I would be open...however, I wouldn't look for one so I would probably just want to be friends for a while, allow for mutual dating of others, if there are opportunities, and see if the motivation and interest are strong enough to work into something truly lasting.

I just wanted to weigh in here (having done two cross-country moves with my now ex-boyfriend of 8 years duration) and say that major moves, especially as grown adults and not young twenty-somethings, can and do take a toll, especially when there is some ambivalence about doing it in the first place, as there clearly is here. Mine were based on 3.5 years, not 3.5 months, but it still ended up placing significant stress on the relationship and I was much too glib about the toll it would take on me and about how love would make everything work out.

In this case, it sounds to me like you are both adults and looking realistically at the options, are concluding this is a hard row to hoe. It may well be that is true, even though it is upsetting. Give it some time and you may see that he is doing you a favor by saving you from playing out a very difficult scenario.

Nobody could have stopped me from doing what I did, but there are times I wish somebody had. We were madly in love at the time and knew each other well, but it still played a large role in our eventual breakup. 3.5 months is not enough for this kind of move for him and in the end, for you either. And it probably shouldn't be ....

So that's that then....

The reality is, its a short relationship and he was upfront and honest about his plans and his thoughts as far as moving went. I too would not move anywhere for anyone unless I'm getting married. And if I had kids, unless my kids were older as your son it would be difficult for me to leave them before they go to college.

I don't know what was the rush on his part, when he could've waited a year to see where the relationship was going. But I guess he had not the patience for a LDR, in that case, he should not have continue to encourage you in that regards.

I'm sorry it didn't work out. But better now while the relationship is fairly new, then later after your emotions were more deep rooted. But you're strong and you'll get over this fairly quickly and after you think things through, you will see he pretty much did you a favour. Wait a bit to get your initial feelings out the way and jump back to test the waters. There are plenty of men out there waiting and looking for the kind of woman you, I'm sure.

Paris

Im sorry that it didnt work out for you RedVelvet. I dont know what to say except you need a hug and a margarita.

Red, I am sorry that your hurting {{hugs}}
I have to agree with the other ladies here as well.
I, like DS, well almost like DS only backwards lol, asked my husband of 1 year, at that time, to move back to the east coast with me.
He never made any big deal about it to me UNTIL after we were here and things became stressful for all of us.
So, after 5 years together, 4 of them married, he moved back to Idaho and I am here on the east coast back where I belong.
Very long story short but the outcome is what it is.....in my case at any rate.
Take care and know you will meet someone else you can click with. Your y/m was right about that!
Blessings, TD

He just turned 36.
Sorry this didn't work out. I thought his email to you nice though and a good length. It wasn't a quick brushoff.

What kind of music does he make? Not to put down Iowa (I have a friend who lives in Fertile), but could he make a decent living in a city like Chicago?

I think that being 36 and a professional musician, he is being very realistic about how difficult it would be for him to start over in a strange area. Being a musician is very difficult as a career. In Iowa, he wouldn't even have an connections. And at his age and perhaps with his personality, he would fine it hard to make new friends too. He also recognizes that you can't be separated from your son.

My little sister is married to a professional photographer. When he was offered a good position in CA, they moved. My sister is willing to move any place that he can find good work at, and she puts his career ahead of hers. It's really very difficult to make a living in the arts, plus it's also very competitive.

I was very lucky that my YM (when he was 23) was willing to to leave everything familiar behind to live with me up north. All his family and close friends are all back in Florida. I helped him make connections to find work that he was interested in doing. But... at the time I would not have moved down to Florida to be with him. Right now, there is some talk of moving to NC or Atlanta, but nothing too serious. We will never move to Florida as we really don't like it down there. Fortunately, we love where we are right now.

Well I am confused.

I just told him ok, I understand, lets accept we are not going to be together and move on.

To be clear, it is him who has the problem, not me. I see dozens of different ways the whole situation could be managed in a loving and productive way. However, I am not interested in forcing or begging or manipulating him.

Within a few minutes he writes back and tells me whoa lets not be making extreme decisions. He says he was just exposing his fears and what he sees happening. He is very unhappy, he doesn't like it.
He says he is full of questions he can't answer for himself. He has a lot of worries, afraid of how he will feel if we don't work out. He wants to talk, wants to know if I have any ideas, what do I think?

I think he is jumping the gun. That's what I think. I feel speechless, like nothing I can say will have any good effect. Honestly I cannot bear the idea of continuing the interaction knowing someone else may come along for him, though he says he is not looking and has no interest in looking. I can't stand to witness it if it happens.

I had hoped that we would continue to develope friendship, care, love, trust...and all else would grow out of that.

I feel very disheartened, I feel weak inside like I cannot even speak for myself with him in a hopeful way.

But thanks people for the feedback, you guys are the best. :)

Sorry, I forgot ot answer this. He is a rock musician. His band has been quite well known, though he has been stepping back from it in the last couple of years to develope an online business that has nothing to do with music. If he got that business off of the ground it is likely he would be able to live anywhere too.

Since you've already met him in person, only you can decide if he is worth waiting for. Hopefully, his online business will take off and he can move. It's clear to me that if he could, he would move to Iowa to be with you. But as a man, his pride and integrity won't let him move to the US and be a possible mooch on you. In the meantime, you'd have to be patient and allow him to vent his worries and insecurities to you.

I think 3.5 months is too soon to commit to relocation for either one of you but I do believe you should try a 1 month or more live-together at either your place or his place and see how it goes.

I quit my job and moved across the USA (urban San Francisco to army-town N. Carolina) in 1987 for a guy (five years younger) who I'd known for a few weeks. I don't recommend it. Spend some more time together if you can.

It does sound like he's very confused and unsure. If anyone moves, it should be you. They have free medical care in Canada...I'd love to give up my US citizenship and become a Canadian.

LD is a mine field of insecurities... let him blow off about them...perhaps someday you'll have your own. let it run its course...
is he worth it?? are you worth it??

I suppose... and this is a big IF...

Would it be advisable to leave your son with your ex and go to Montreal for say 6 months to a year and see if this is going to work out. Because although you've both meet, blah, blah, blah...you both have not had any long term togetherness to really iron out the kinks in the relationship. And online is just a fantasy until reality sets in. Flying back and forth can get costly and it really doesn't solve anything but put a bandaid on the situation until something hits the fan.



I think this is a good idea.

I have read the whole thread, and i think his email was maybe to "scare" you a little (i hate to say that) or really to show you that hes serious about needing to be together with you. He just wants the two of you to find a solution. I think its normal that some people are just impatient, some are not. I am an impatient person.

If you really think its something that could work, i do think you need to find a way to spend more time with him. Then you'll know more about what you'd be willing to do for the relationship. good luck

Well, speaking as a mom, I would have a heck of a time leaving a 14 year old son for six months to go try out a new relatlonship. I would take this in steps and try for some extended time (a month to 6 weeks) and see how that goes. Three weeks is the longest stretch I have been able to have with my young man. We've had a few two week stretches and many one week stretches and I think its clear that not only could we live happily together, but we want to live together.

Hmmm. I should have kept reading before posting. I'm not sure just what to make of his e-mail, except that it sort of scares me when guys talk about keeping options open for the possibility of other partners. Maybe he was just testing the water. I hope so, because guys really in love don't talk about finding other partners.