"YM Just using her for her Money"

hi!, new here

ok question, anyone ever get this?
meaning friends,family or coworkers assuming that the only reason a younger man would be intesrested in an older woman is for her money? bacially having a "sugar mommy" to take care of you

while i've never gotten asked that myself directly people have made comments behind our backs and one person asking my OW directly "how much money does she have to spend on her boy toy", and that was a person from out synagogue (sad, i know)

the funny thing behind all this is i'm actually making more than she is, so that would make the people who make these comments look dumb if i ever threw it back in their faces lol

anyway just wondering, anyone else gone through this and how would you handle it?

I think people assume YM are in these relationships for money and women are in them for sex. Why else would one even attempt an AG relationship? If you try to explain how wonderful your partner is, they often mistake this for rationalization. So, you turn a deaf ear to the naysayers and move forward. I'm deciding that its just part of the territory and at least in my generation, its likely not to change.

I would say that IF and WHEN a YM "uses" a woman or when ANY man "uses" a woman, whatever the age...the TOP reason would be short-term sex without committment, not money. If money comes with the sex, then he might enjoy that and perhaps it might (or might not) keep him around just a bit longer--I don't know.

Unless the guy is a male prostitute or otherwise VERY desperate for money, I don't believe that money is a primary motivator for a man to be with a woman for any length of time...if there is no other gratification for him (sexual and/or emotional). It could be a secondary motivator, but it would take a really desperate man for it to be a primary motivator.

On the other hand, money CAN be a motivator for a woman to be with a man, or a perceived concept of financial security or material security because that is what women are generally socialized to value in a partner or relationship--that a man should "take care" of her.

BTW, some know that my late mom was 17 years OLDER than my Dad. My mom was always a homemaker, she did not have an outside career. My Dad was always the sole breadwinner.

These are no absolutes that I'm putting forth, so I hope people aren't offended. These are just tendencies based on societal expectations and common situations.

Most of the YM I know and have known or had dates with are professionals or have a career in their own right and either make equivalent or more money than myself. I work as a legal assistant and while I make a reasonable salary, I am certainly not rich. I have never had a YM proposition me with the question, "what do you do for a living, how much money do you make, and do you own of rent?" But interestingly I HAVE had YM boast about their jobs and imply that they "do well" for themselves in order to impress me.

BTW, some know that my late mom was 17 years OLDER than my Dad...and my mom was ALWAYS a homemaker, she did not bring in any income to the marriage. My Dad was ALWAYS the sole breadwinner.

Most people are just trying to figure it out because they don't really understand. And some of them are unhappy people in general and want to drag everyone down into the gutter with them. For OM/YW couples this stereotype isn't limited to a few rude comments, it's the prevailing assumption. The implications of the stereotype (that younger people aren't valuable for much other than sex and older people aren't valuable for much other than their money) make my head swim. You're lucky that your respective incomes refute the gossipers, btw. Try having an AGR where there actually is a major financial disparity, and then just for kicks add in a distant relationship with your opposite-gendered parent. Fun, fun, fun. No one will listen, but you don't need them to anyways. People who respect you will know, at least eventually, that your values are solid. People who don't respect you will think what they want, but they don't matter.

You know, when my husband and I first got together, my daughter said, (with a smile at least) "Well, at least I know he isn't after you for your money." I guess it's just the assumption in general that there is NO WAY anyone significantly younger could find someone older attractive in any other way. :mad:

ANyhow, if they ever say it where you can respond (or maybe you should respond if you overhear it anyhow), you should say, "Well, that's hardly the case since I make the most money. Maybe she's just a wonderful, sexy woman." Just letting them know you heard them ought to shut them up.

This thread has raised another question I have been wondering about. And I believe that the poster who said that people are just ‘trying to figure it out’ is quite right. People (and I was probably one of them before starting this age gap relationship), really do not understand. They just dont get it!

So they start looking for rationalisations. Reasons for two such apparently disparate people to be together, since it could not possibly be ‘true love’. Actually, I feel quite sorry for people who make assumptions like that now, maybe they have never been lucky enough to have found true love? This was certainly the case with me.

I am acutely aware that with my relationship age gap, and being here in Thailand where there are vast numbers of foreign gentlemen with significantly younger Thai women, that the conclusion many people jump to is that I am a ‘sugar mommy’. That he must only be with me as I have money.

But at the end of the day, what do I care what it looks like? I don’t. And he certainly doesn’t. Anyone that knows us, and anyone whose opinion matters, knows the truth.

It took me some time to get around to feeling like this though, at first I was embarrassed and very self conscious. Now I don’t give a hoot. Life is too short !

Tourniquet - How long have you been a couple with your OW? I think that the longer the two of you are together and if you are always seen as being happy and affectionate to each other, the gossip will lessen. Those same people would gossip about any couple that seemed on the surface mismatched in some way. Just pity those people for being so close minded.

People do this because they can't understand why anyone would date someone younger or older. Society says this is wrong so we should follow those rules. When you hear it ..you will learn to brush it off or come up with some witty comments. It does tick me off sometimes. People just don't know when to shut their pieholes!

Love sees no age huny...if your happy your happy..in the end its about you two no one else

Tourniquet - How long have you been a couple with your OW? I think that the longer the two of you are together and if you are always seen as being happy and affectionate to each other, the gossip will lessen. Those same people would gossip about any couple that seemed on the surface mismatched in some way. Just pity those people for being so close minded.

we have been together 3 years
met her at the synagogue i did my conversion in
ran into her a few times at the adult Torah study classes and we started hanging out, when he started oficially dating i was 18 and she was 34
i never got into the whole late-teens/early 20's dating scene, i knew what i wanted and it was more of a wife and family then a typical my age girlfriend, since no one my age was already ready for that it made dating hard, so in that way we clicked, we both wanted the same things and had the same interestes and goals
3 years later and we have a child and own a house together

the comments and assumptions seemed to start when we decided to get married, our synagogue was very unaccepting of us and we decided to leave, in general most of the orthodox community has been unaccepting so we have been attending a reform synagogue (the most liberal sect of Judaism) even tho we kind of disagree with their theology it's the only place that has been semi-accepting of us, and even thats a stretch, still get the simaler nonsense from people

anyway sorry for going off topic

our synagogue was very unaccepting of us and we decided to leave, in general most of the orthodox community has been unaccepting so we have been attending a reform synagogue (the most liberal sect of Judaism) even tho we kind of disagree with their theology it's the only place that has been semi-accepting of us, and even thats a stretch, still get the simaler nonsense from people
Congratulations on being married! Perhaps you'd do better to eventually move to another Jewish community? Two things come to mind. One is that the people that saw you as a child have the hardest time accepting you as an adult and married to an older woman. Secondly, and YM/OW combination is probably threatening to the older Jewish men and they don't want their womenfolk getting any bad ideas. lol

I think that the Jewish communities in my area are very accepting of people who are different. I have a good Jewish friend in the Philly area and her community is also relaxed. I know a bit about Jewish culture as my previous boyfriend was Jewish and I've also worked many Kosher catered events including a few orthodox weddings.

Nobody's ever said this to me but I am very aware that my YM is out of work and I'm effectively supporting him at the moment. This is fine by me as he pulls his weight in other ways and is doing all he can to get work (he works two voluntary jobs and is a member of the local voluntary ambulance service, so is not lazy).

However that's to be expected, I knew how it was going to be when he moved down to live with me and, although we had expected he would have a job by now, he has been doing all he can to help out and he is certainly not sitting back and letting me do all the sweating to pay the bills. I feel it's an entirely equal relationship.

Incidentally he had an interview today for a good apprenticeship position - decent living wage, good training opportunities and a social circle, there are 20 placements and 25 people showed up for the final interview stage (he has passed two phases already), the day consisted of team exercises, individual exercises, an IT exam and a formal interview. As he has social anxiety issues he does find interviews hard but he seems to think it went OK today so fingers crossed... send the good vibes his way please!

Speaking as somebody whose ex-ym DID use me for my money, it DOES happen and even though we want to poo-poo people who make mention of this reality, I think it's important to consider. Everybody who's posted on this thread has carefully looked at their circumstances, obviously, and know they're not being taken advantage of but it DOES happen and it can happen to the best of us. When you're in love it's very easy to be duped, I learned that the hard way. So, while we're all going on about how people don't understand agegap relationships and how they say things that are inappropriate, I think it's important to remember that it's guys like my ex-ym who are the cause of these types of questions. For all the good guys who would never use a woman for her money, there's one guy out there who ruins it for everybody else.

I think people assume YM are in these relationships for money and women are in them for sex. Why else would one even attempt an AG relationship? If you try to explain how wonderful your partner is, they often mistake this for rationalization. So, you turn a deaf ear to the naysayers and move forward. I'm deciding that its just part of the territory and at least in my generation, its likely not to change.

Good post Rozie.

Speaking as somebody whose ex-ym DID use me for my money, it DOES happen and even though we want to poo-poo people who make mention of this reality, I think it's important to consider. Everybody who's posted on this thread has carefully looked at their circumstances, obviously, and know they're not being taken advantage of but it DOES happen and it can happen to the best of us. When you're in love it's very easy to be duped, I learned that the hard way. So, while we're all going on about how people don't understand agegap relationships and how they say things that are inappropriate, I think it's important to remember that it's guys like my ex-ym who are the cause of these types of questions. For all the good guys who would never use a woman for her money, there's one guy out there who ruins it for everybody else.
But is this related to age or age differences? Or is it something that just happens sometimes in relationships?

I think it's related to agegap relationships - I've seen some of my friends end up with the same problem and it's always with a younger guy, never with a man their own age or older.

That's not to say it can't happen in 'other relationships' because it can, but, I think, by and large, there is a stronger propensity for this type of behavior in Agegap relationships, especially with vym. I can't explain the why or the how, I just know what I've seen and in this instance, it's pretty much determined my feelings on this particular subject.

I am in a YW/OM relationship but if I was asked I would just say:

I first wanted him for the money, then I found out he was not rich but I stayed for the sex anyway :D

Let us be honest and accept that there is a greater risk that such may occur (moderate to high probability) in an OW/YM or OM/YW relationship. However, such relationships are not always based on such schemes perpetrated by the YM/W. Even outside of the OW/YM and OM/YW relationships, many people belonging to the same age groups marry for socio-economic reasons. Just think about it - how many of your friends/acquaintances marry because the intended spouse had the "right" background, potential or connections? How many of your friends/acquaintances encourage their children to marry the "right" person? These things happen more often than we would really care to admit.

I do think that we as OW - in the midst of a beautiful romance with a YM - have to "keep our heads" even while our hearts are beating to the beautiful and soulful drums of the music we make with our YM. My YM is just the type of man I adore - handsome, intelligent, sexxxxyyyy, and ambitious. He goes for what he wants and I admire this quality immensely. We date each other in the same way that we would if we were in the same age group. Given the fact that I am older, I have more material "things" than he does and I am much more professionally advanced than he is.

I take a risk-based approach in all that I do. I protect my assets just as I would if I were involved with an OM. I do love my YM and I want to see him go as far as he possibly can - whether we remain together or not. I assist and would continue to do so (NOT financially - but with advice and introduction to the "right people") to facilitate his advancement. I want to see him acheive great success and be all that he can be and my desire is not hitched to him being with me. He is truly an amazing man and has all the requisite qualities to go very far in life.

A YM may use an OW "for her money" only if she allows him to do so.

Some people settle for less, for things like money, .....hmm money