A Difficult Subject - How To Deal With It?

I am quite new here and have been reading with great interest many of your posts about older women/younger men relationships. So far, I have not found anything about this subject though.

In a nutshell; I dont know many people here (we live in Thailand), we live very quietly, essential due to the nature of the place we live in which is fairly infested with 'bad guys' of all kinds.

But I have made one friend, a very highly qualified, and very experienced American lady. She is a health professional, and is helping me sort out various medical matters.

Early on she met my husband, and they appeared to 'chat' briefly and interact normally. Only later, and not face to face, but in a comment on a public forum to which we both belong, she shared her feelings that people with large age gaps in their relationship seemed to her to be 'pervy' and 'creepy'. She also reckons that men who are attracted to older women are probably orally fixated and have unworked out mother/grandmother issues. I have not discussed this with my (younger) husband. He is early thirties, I am just past fifty.

I was quite stunned to read what she said, as she is a highly educated, very worldly, and extremely helpful and kind person. I guess this may be all tied up with the 'he's old enough to be your son' stuff. Although this lady is highly qualified medically, (and slightly older than me), she is not a psychologist or shrink of any kind, and she has never made any comments to me directly about our age difference, or her feelings towards it.

I value this lady's friendship, and now feel rather awkward about being friends with her, knowing how she really feels about my relationship with my man, who is the love of my life.

Advice would be extremely welcome as I am not sure what (if anything) to do about this.

people think that by meeting you on face value that they have the right to figure out your life.

i am married to a man 20 years younger than me and i am certainly not a mother substitute for him and if he is orally fixated, it better be on me! to label agegap relationships as pervy is what is pervy, where is HER head going? I know in my case, we are a very normal couple and I also want a man not a son in my bed, that is so utterly sick. I like grown up sexy men, mine just happens to be in his twenties.

I am very lucky to have a younger husband and I feel blessed by it.

.....Only later, and not face to face, but in a comment on a public forum to which we both belong, she shared her feelings that people with large age gaps in their relationship seemed to her to be 'pervy' and 'creepy'. She also reckons that men who are attracted to older women are probably orally fixated and have unworked out mother/grandmother issues. I have not discussed this with my (younger) husband. He is early thirties, I am just past fifty.

I was quite stunned to read what she said, as she is a highly educated, very worldly, and extremely helpful and kind person. I guess this may be all tied up with the 'he's old enough to be your son' stuff. Although this lady is highly qualified medically, (and slightly older than me), she is not a psychologist or shrink of any kind, and she has never made any comments to me directly about our age difference, or her feelings towards it.

I value this lady's friendship, and now feel rather awkward about being friends with her, knowing how she really feels about my relationship with my man, who is the love of my life.

Advice would be extremely welcome as I am not sure what (if anything) to do about this.

This is tough. You are in a foreign country and it's natural to want to enjoy the company of "your own people," assuming you are also an American. Friends are always valuable, especially intelligent and qualified ones.

However, this is simply someone you need to keep at arm's length unless her attitude changes for the better. I would restrict my interactions with her to girlfriend-to-girlfriend stuff, dining out without your man, and DO NOT divulge any of your relationship issues.

If she presses you with "How come you and Brad never come over to dinner??" or something like that, you can politely tell her: "We're not comfortable around you as a couple" and leave it at that. She's smart enough to pick up the hint, hopefully.

And please, please maintain your self-esteem. Do not be offended - although I'm sure you're disappointed. Americans, like all other people, are notorious bigots. We each have a "hot-button issue" which we feel very strongly about whether it's race, abortion, feminism, obesity, immigration, etc. Very few of us are experts on the issue, but we all love to shoot our mouths off. :D

Finally, you should realize that many people on this forum consider people like her to be jealous, perhaps on a semi-subconscious level. (In a future post, I will direct you to a poll we did on this subject.) For thousands of years, older women have found younger men desirable as mates and lovers.

Youth = stamina, vigor, energy, virility and many other positive traits. It seems quite reasonable that some older women who cannot find a mate, or who have a poor-quality mate of their own age, would be envious of other women who appear to have struck gold with a young hottie. ;)

Hold your head up high when you are around this woman or others like her.


Good Luck!!

Sultan,

You might find the poll attached to this thread interesting. Over 41% of the voters thought that jealousy was the motivation for critical, mean remarks from older women. :p

http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?t=27937

Anyone who makes a blanket statement such as the one she made is operating from a place of prejudice rather than actual knowledge. The problem that occurs is when that person is a respected member of the community, or in a position of influence, such as a doctor or other medical professional. It's unfortunate, but we're none of us without our own prejudices.

To be honest, the only way to defeat a prejudice such as this is to expose the person to the very people she is condemning, and sometimes, not even this works. It truly depends on whether or not she is willing to admit she's wrong.

You have a choice. You can either confront her head on with her statements, which will probably make her defensive, you can avoid her, possibly implying there *is* something shameful in your marriage, or you can hold your head high and and be happy, not giving a fiddler's fart what she or any of her ilk has to say about your life. When we live our lives in a way that isn't considered to be "normal" within the narrow constructs of any society, we open ourselves to ridicule, resentment and prejudice, exposing ourselves to the narrow minds around us. That being said. please bear in mind that whatever comes out of someone else's mouth is only a reflection of them, never of us. She'll either figure this out or she won't. Her journey isn't yours. Just be happy. Love your husband and laugh, knowing that this woman doesn't have a clue.

TSW:

I've told this story a million times here so I ask for no groans of boredom.

When I first got together with my ym, over 3 years ago, one of my best friends was very distrubed and made a number of "jokes" which weren't welcome. Towards the end of our closeness, he said something about younger men only being interested in older women because we are so desperate for sex that we're easy to get into bed.

This friend was someone I'd met at work and he was about 15 years younger than me, but we had, I thought, become very good friends.

I was completely perplexed by his hostility, but eventually had to accept that something about our relationship freaked him out and he couldn't deal with it.

I think that happens to some people, like this "friend" of yours. It's mean and nasty and probably means you can't be good friends with her.

But I think if you are in an agr, you have to accept that not everyone will be happy for you. It's not fair, but you'll drive yourself nuts trying to figure out how to fix it.

I think most people here have either always had or have created networks of friends who get it and whose friendship, added to the strengths in our relationships, makes it easier not to care about the "friends" like this.

But the biggest thing that makes "friends" like this not matter is our relationships. Your ym is the love of your life. You must be very happy, conscious you are loved and excited about being with him. Anyone who thinks that is less important than your age gap is someone you can live without.

Early on she met my husband, and they appeared to 'chat' briefly and interact normally. Only later, and not face to face, but in a comment on a public forum to which we both belong, she shared her feelings that people with large age gaps in their relationship seemed to her to be 'pervy' and 'creepy'. She also reckons that men who are attracted to older women are probably orally fixated and have unworked out mother/grandmother issues. I have not discussed this with my (younger) husband. He is early thirties, I am just past fifty.

I was quite stunned to read what she said, as she is a highly educated, very worldly, and extremely helpful and kind person. I guess this may be all tied up with the 'he's old enough to be your son' stuff. Although this lady is highly qualified medically, (and slightly older than me), she is not a psychologist or shrink of any kind, and she has never made any comments to me directly about our age difference, or her feelings towards it.
For a start, I would print out what she said in the forum and take a highlighter and highlight her remarks. Were the other forum members in agreement with her? Anyway, then I would seal the printout in an envelope and just file it away. I suggest that because, what's on many forums can get purged later on, and with something like what she said, I would want to keep proof that she said them.

Then just go about your life and know that she is not best friend material. Later on, should you feel the need to confront her about what she said, just show her the contents of the envelope. That way you can both reread what she actually wrote.

I don't think that she meant to hurt you, at least I don't like to think so. You said that she is a health professional. Maybe she's seen several other age gap relationships and those bothered her more. Maybe she is single, lonely and frustrated. She sees no eligible men her own age, and resents the OM with the younger wives, and feels unable to let herself consider a younger partner as a solution to her loneliness.

Sometimes people make threads as a way to think things out and they forget that their posts aren't that anonymous.

Anyway, the best thing to do is just be happy with your husband and don't worry about pleasing the rest of the world. If you are happy and he is happy, that's all that matters.

I think most people throughout time have been taught or programmed if you will; to think this is Taboo. She may have not meant to hurt you, but I would ask her about it for sure

I'm perplexed by the advice here to dump the potential friend or ignore them??? What happened to educating society about the validity of our relationships??

I would say to fight it and argue with her! You and your husband are perfect examples of why your friend is WRONG.

Sometimes, people latch on to ideas and formulate hypothisis without knowing the truth. This woman is possibly a believer in or raised on theories by Freud, so her assessments would be a natural assumption for her.

I would say, "Well, I'm older than my husband, and I can assure you that you are wrong. My husband does not have mommy issues or oral fixations - any more than you do! And I know of a whole slew of couples in our same situation and they would disagree with you, as well!

So, what are you going to believe - your naive, Freudian assumptions or someone you know who is actually married to a younger man??"

PS I get the mommy issues, but why would OW/YM mean "oral fixations?"

I am quite new here and have been reading with great interest many of your posts about older women/younger men relationships. So far, I have not found anything about this subject though.

In a nutshell; I dont know many people here (we live in Thailand), we live very quietly, essential due to the nature of the place we live in which is fairly infested with 'bad guys' of all kinds.

But I have made one friend, a very highly qualified, and very experienced American lady. She is a health professional, and is helping me sort out various medical matters.

Early on she met my husband, and they appeared to 'chat' briefly and interact normally. Only later, and not face to face, but in a comment on a public forum to which we both belong, she shared her feelings that people with large age gaps in their relationship seemed to her to be 'pervy' and 'creepy'. She also reckons that men who are attracted to older women are probably orally fixated and have unworked out mother/grandmother issues. I have not discussed this with my (younger) husband. He is early thirties, I am just past fifty.

I was quite stunned to read what she said, as she is a highly educated, very worldly, and extremely helpful and kind person. I guess this may be all tied up with the 'he's old enough to be your son' stuff. Although this lady is highly qualified medically, (and slightly older than me), she is not a psychologist or shrink of any kind, and she has never made any comments to me directly about our age difference, or her feelings towards it.

I value this lady's friendship, and now feel rather awkward about being friends with her, knowing how she really feels about my relationship with my man, who is the love of my life.

Advice would be extremely welcome as I am not sure what (if anything) to do about this.

Cut her out of your life. Don't do it nicely, don't speak to her. Do no contact.

You will make other friends eventually. I guess she knew you would see what she printed and she is waiting for you to make a probably heated response to her to start a fight. Don't let her! Some sociopaths use this as a technique so they can turn what started out as their bad behavior on you!

Leave this woman alone, I mean it. I think you will be sorry if you don't.

Ali

I'm perplexed by the advice here to dump the potential friend or ignore them??? What happened to educating society about the validity of our relationships??

I would say to fight it and argue with her! You and your husband are perfect examples of why your friend is WRONG.

Sometimes, people latch on to ideas and formulate hypothisis without knowing the truth. This woman is possibly a believer in or raised on theories by Freud, so her assessments would be a natural assumption for her.

I would say, "Well, I'm older than my husband, and I can assure you that you are wrong. My husband does not have mommy issues or oral fixations - any more than you do! And I know of a whole slew of couples in our same situation and they would disagree with you, as well!

So, what are you going to believe - your naive, Freudian assumptions or someone you know who is actually married to a younger man??"

PS I get the mommy issues, but why would OW/YM mean "oral fixations?"

LOL i love you kristin..great post!!!!
Sometimes i think secretly people who make a fuss about it are jealous and want what you have. I got mommy issues to sometimes but im not into and nor is Kai with *lets be the mommy baby thing*

Well... none of us here have met this friend of hers. And there are different levels of friendships, all the way down to casual acquaintances. I didn't get the impression she was super close to this woman, as in a best friend/do weekly lunches sort of way, but more like they know each other socially and sees her for medical advice.

With friends that I feel close to and if I they did what this woman did, then I would want to talk it out calmly. I would want and care that those closest to me know that I have a great wonderful non-sick relationship with my YM. But if it were someone that was only a passing acquaintance, I might say something, but regardless, I would distance myself from her. Who has the energy to try to persuade the rest of the world that we have normal couple feelings towards each other?

Of course, since this friend in question is a health professional, actually trying to enlighten her regardless of the status of their friendship might be a good thing for the rest of her patients. She shouldn't be so closeminded and judgemental about age gap relationships. As a health professional, during the course of her work, she will be asked by her patients for all kinds of help and advice.

One possible scenario: thesultanswoman and she get together for lunch in a quiet cafe. Casually, she takes the printout out of the forum thread out of her purse with the incriminating words highlighted and slides it over to her friend. thesultanswoman asks her friend if she indeed wrote those words. Friend reads, blushes and stammers out an apology. Maybe she was sitting home alone, drinking an alcoholic beverage when she made her posts. They talk it out. Maybe thesultanswoman could inject a little humor into the conversation. All is well.

Does the "friend" actually know about the age gap, or how big of an age gap it is?

I'm just curious. If she can't really guess the age gap, she may not realize that you're in one and it would be a learning experience for her to be made aware of it.

I have a very fun "friend" that makes all sorts of comments like... "The best thing about M (her bf) is that he is my own age and we share the same interests" or "N (my bf) must be very good in bed because I do not see what a worldly woman like you could see in a man like him". I have tried explanations, jokes, and ignoring her. No results. I do not like confrontations, so I let it fly over my head.

I believe that in time people will realize that we have been together X number of years and that we are a committed couple. Acceptance of AGR is not something you can obtain just by talking.

If you can put up with her hypocricy, keep her as a friend. If not, dump her.

I've had similar experiences to the ones described by sheila. I would be direct and ask her if she was specifically referring to your marriage in the public forum. No big deal - I'd just want to know.

And then, as always, remember that the best revenge to underhanded comments such as the ones this woman has made is to live life well.

I find it pretty perplexing that this woman made comments like this on a public forum that she knows you frequent. Pretty passive-aggressive if you ask me. Perhaps she feels quite strongly on the subject, doesn't understand it, and doesn't know any other way to bring it up. Kinda dumb on her part.

Pretty passive-aggressive if you ask me.

Very. I agree wholeheartedly.

Interesting read, I may be back later to comment