Should I just suck it up and move on?

I'll try to keep this brief. My ym (35) and I (48) have been together off and on for three years. Things I love about him: he is gentle, sweet, kind, affectionate, loyal, fun, handsome, and generous (with money - not time). The thing I don't like? He keeps me as this little "compartment" of his life. In the colder months of the year, about every other Friday, we have dinner, he spends the night, then he is gone by 8:00 a.m. Every few months or so, I don't hear from him for several weeks until I come home one day to the voicemail breakup message. Then just as I start feeling better about myself and start dating, he calls. Before you know it, I have caved and we are back to the same old pattern.

This year, once warmer weather arrived he talked about how busy he would be with work and his camp on the lake. I asked if we would have any time together this summer, and he said he didn't know. I decided that since it has been three years and nothing has changed, that I want to get out this summer and have fun, not wait for the phone to ring, so I broke things off. A week later when I saw his truck, I was overwhelmed with feelings for him. I happened to be on my way to the post office to mail some movies back to him. Since I knew he was not at home, I decided to deliver them instead. It was my last chance to meet the mother I'd always wanted to meet. He lives with her and although she and I have wanted to meet each other, he kept saying he wasn't ready. I did meet her that day . . . she's lovely. She hugged me and invited me in for coffee. We even hiked up the hill behind their home. She told me that she know's he loves me but doesn't believe he'll ever be able to say those words. When we returned from the hike, he drove in. We talked about getting back together and decided to spend the weekend at his camp to discuss it. It was a wonderful romantic weekend, but when I was leaving I asked if we could finish the discussion. He said he wasn't ready to. I left . . . and didn't hear any more from him until I called him this morning (11 days later). He had that "distant" sound in his voice. We didn't discuss the status of our relationship, just small talk. He said "I gotta go . . . I'll talk to you sometime."

Three years . . . I love him . . .any advice?

Has he ever been married? Does he have children already? Not really enough info to go on here....

Based on what there is though, you have to ask yourself....is this relationship giving you what you really want and need? Are you content being on again, off again? You are 48...you have spent 3 years on this merry go round.

If you are content with this type of relationship, then stay. If you want someone who will be there for you full time, who will give you commitment and that you can count on, then perhaps you should make the break and open the door for what you really want in your future.

Good luck with figuring it out. And welcome to Ageless. :)

Thank you for your reply Inahnia. My ym has never been married, although he did live with a woman for seven years and they had a child together (age 12 now). He says he doesn't want any more children and I can't, so that is not the problem. He left that relationship seven years ago due to her infidelity. He tells me he has trust issues because of it.

I left a 26 year marriage four years ago and have three grown children. I don't know . . . maybe I should be content with this relationship because when we are together, things are wonderful. It sure would be nice though to be with someone who would like to be a part of my world and want me to be a part of his. I like even simple things like cooking on the grill and stacking wood together. I guess it's just not in the cards for us.

I agree with the title of your thread, it's time to move on. You've been wonderfully patient and understanding of him, but you deserve better. Some people are colder and more independent by nature. Your YM sounds a little like my stepdad, a great guy but he needs lots of personal private space and he's also not comfortable expressing his affection. At 35, your YM not going to change for the better. Even his mom knows that.

Others have been in your shoes. The comedian Steve Martin has a problem being affectionate. If you watch his movie Shopgirl, it's based on a part of his life.

Mui . . . I appreciate your honesty. My head agrees with you, my heart not so much. I have read the threads relating to the rules for breaking up which I find very useful and the part about no contact and doing it the quick painful way vs. the slow painful way make so much sense but damn . . . it's so friggin' hard.

I keep telling myself that this story will always have the same result if I don't make a change in what I do because he will always be who he is. At least I should be thankful he doesn't hide that.

I think you have been sucking it up; for three years. How much more is there to suck up? I think you need to decide if this sort of arrangement is Ok with you, because his track record says this is all you are going to get.

Point well taken, Rozie. Thank you,

Everybody is different but the relationship you describe would leave me empty. You need somebody who is affectionate, ready for some kind of commitment. I think you need to move on and quit all contact for a while.

It does leave me feeling empty at times and . . . I really hate to say this . . but because he has bought me expensive gifts on occasion, I sometimes feel like his mistress. I know this is not how he sees me, and he is just being generous or easing his conscience about not seeing me, but he doesn't seem to understand that what I want is his time - not money or "things".

cindee - you seem like a woman who yearns for more affection that your YM is willing to give you. One of life's most important lessons is that you can't change a leopard's spots. With my mother, she at least had her daughters for affection. And in order to spend more quality time with my stepdad, she helped him run his business.

There was a time when I would have jumped to have the relationship you currently have. After I left one boyfriend who I felt was smothering me, I thought I would really rather have a part time boyfriend as you describe. That way I would have the freedom to work long hours in my business and take the solitary roadtrips I love. I enjoy my own company and I had a great dog at the time. She was a stray I took in that loved me above all else. But everyone has different needs, and it seems from your posts that you and your YM are poorly matched in the emotional needs part. He does sound like a nice guy, but he's starving you in terms of the daily affections department. He can't change, and you shouldn't be compromising yourself. Three years of compromising is long enough.

Then again, for some people I think her kind of relationship would work. There are actually people on this site who want LDR's, FWB relationships, open relationships. The bottom line is, does this make you happy? And from what I read, it doesn't.

I can relate to this idea that you want a life where your two worlds meet. I struggle with this myself when it comes to his family not having met me. And for the time being, I am "sucking" that one up, because I am incorporated so fully into other parts of his life. Its true, that we can't always get everything we want in any relationship. But the good stuff in a relationship should far outweigh the negative, otherwise, what's the point?

cindee - What else do you do? How do you spend your leisure time when you don't see him? Any side interests or hobbies? Children or pets?

Mui and Rozie - I have been told that this kind of relationship is craved by some woman and I have to admit that it has its perks - freedom to come and go with no one counting on me to be there, although he does quiz me on whether I have "gone out on the town" while he is off to camp or spending the weekend with his daughter.

I work two jobs which constitute a sixty hour work week but have my Friday nights and weekends free. With this schedule you would think I wouldn't mind a little alone time on the weekends, and sometimes I don't, but I'd love to see him at least once each week or every other week.

As far as hobbies or pets . . I live in a lovely apartment complex but it does not allow pets. I cannot afford a house at this point as I walked away from my marriage with nothing - just wanted out to preserve my mental health. I am rebuilding my life.

My biggest hobby while married was gardening, although there is not much opportunity here. I have noticed the flower beds overgrown at the school in my neighborhood and have considered spending some time there weeding for fun.

I also like walking, hiking, and kayaking (I don't own one, but have friends who do). I have three adult children all with college degrees and new lives, living in three different states. I spend time with them when I can. My two daughters and I have recently taken a liking to the new country music so we try to fit in several concerts a year or take trips to the ocean whenever possible.

I do appreciate all of the feedback I have received and welcome more. It really helps to talk about this. I know that this problem may not necessarily be related to our age gap, but what better group of friends to talk to than you all?

Thanks for the support!

I work two jobs which constitute a sixty hour work week but have my Friday nights and weekends free. With this schedule you would think I wouldn't mind a little alone time on the weekends, and sometimes I don't, but I'd love to see him at least once each week or every other week.

As far as hobbies or pets . . I live in a lovely apartment complex but it does not allow pets. I cannot afford a house at this point as I walked away from my marriage with nothing - just wanted out to preserve my mental health. I am rebuilding my life.
Well your needs need to come first. I'm impressed by your working schedule and was wondering if all goes as you plan, do you think that your life rebuilding process is progressing well and has a good end point? If so, in a way, having your YM give you so much personal space is probably more helpful to your cause than having a boyfriend that would want to see a lot of you and then be a bad distraction. lol.

However, my gut feeling is that I would like do see you use your extra time to get out and meet new people, perhaps someone who would make you happier. He would not be so commitment phobic. This man would also eventually want to spend the rest of his life with you, whereas I don't think that your YM is planning to grow any closer to you. Maybe three years ago, you weren't ready for fulltime boyfriend... and you ended up with him. Now you are more ready to have a real relationship and so you have outgrown him. And I wouldn't be too mad at him because he was there when you needed his friendship as you were recovering from your divorce (?).

No matter how much he loves you, if you're not getting what you need from the relationship, you probably never will. I guess the question you need to answer (and no one can answer it but you) is whether or not the things you are *missing* in this relationship are things you can live with or not. For me, no matter how much I love the guy, if he can't give me the assurance and consistent connectivity that I need, the answer would be, "not."

Best wishes to you!

Mui . . the life rebuilding process is going rather slowly due to the living expenses vs. income ratio. But all in all I cannot complain. I love where I live, and it's low maintenance, although working around your own property can be rewarding. I agree with you that I do need to get out and meet new people. I live in a rather rural area which makes it slightly more difficult. I am not mad at him . . okay maybe a teensy bit but I have no right to be. He really has shown me qualities I didn't know men could possess and been a wonderful friend and lover.

Mrs. H . . . Thank you for your best wishes. You are absolutely right. It doesn't matter how much he loves me or I love him, the bottom line is I am not getting what I need from this relationship and he has made it clear that he can't give that to me. Time to move on I guess *sigh*.

I have a question for you all though . . . .

Maybe this is covered in the breakup ground rules and I will re-read them but, when going through a time like this I find that if I just block him out of my head as soon as he pops in, I am ok. But when I allow myself to think about the memories . . . his sense of humor, the gentleness of his touch, the way he likes chocolate with his coffee in the morning . . . well that is just torturing myself. Is that a healthy part of the grieving process or should I not allow those thoughts into my head? I am so afraid of the day that I will walk into a store and see him with someone else. If he touches her back ever so slightly to guide her along the way he does with me . . well . . that would just plain hurt.

Perhaps I just need to avoid the places he frequents. He lives about 10 miles from me but works an hour away. He really doesn't frequent too many places in this town. For that I am thankful.

What a wonderful supportive group here at ageless. Thank you.

I am so sorry for all the pain you are feeling. I agree with most of the comments here. I think I would be incredibly lonely in this type of relationship and I am not a clingy person at all.

We all need to feel special to someone, and that is the key that he does not seem willing to provide. I honestly doubt that he will change, and I think you are a strong enough woman to realize this and act accordingly.

You deserve to feel loved and treasured...that's the bottom line.

Thank you, TC. That's very sweet. I am not the clingy type either, and I have been told I am very patient. Even HE says that, but enough is enough. I have needs he just can't meet. I love the person that he is, and he should be allowed to BE who he is. This is a big area where we are not compatible.

Hi Cindee
This is from a mans perspective OK ?:yes:\
If I were your YM and you made it known to me how you were feeling about the not spending enough time together and the like then I would do as follows and I'd advise the YM to do the same OK ? here goes .
First make sure that HE does Know your feelings and there is no miscommunication .
The if he is smart, he will arrange to MAKE more time for YOU because he should realize that your feelings and needs are every bit as important as his.
A man that REALLY cares for his woman will move mountain's and swim a sea to meet her needs.
As I always say to my YW " I'd crawl naked on my belly pulling myself along on my elbows, over a hundred miles of
Broken Glass and mountains to get to you if you needed me"
and even though that is a metaphor ( is that the right word LOL ?) I mean it and she knows it !
If your YM is not ready to make his self available to you
Then DO MOVE ON .
Because out there in your world there is a MAN no matter what age that will feel the same way I do for Jessica and YOU sweet woman deserve nothing less then this type of man be patient do things and go different places and soon you will find him just waiting for a great Lady like you <G> ;)
your friend from Ohio Jerry :bgrin2:

It's great to get a man's perspective on this . . thank you, Jerry. Believe me, we have talked about this and there IS no communication problem. He does know what I need and in fact, he said to me, "It is clear that you need more attention than I can give." I appreciate the fact that he really has been upfront about that and is in no way a game player.

I know I should move on and that's what I intend to do. I'm just so scared of the pain. I can't even imagine at this point that there is another man out there that I could feel this way about and who could make me smile and have butterflies. If you say it is so, I will try to keep the faith.

Your Jessica is indeed one very luck woman. My best wishes to you both!

cindee

Maybe this is covered in the breakup ground rules and I will re-read them but, when going through a time like this I find that if I just block him out of my head as soon as he pops in, I am ok. But when I allow myself to think about the memories . . . his sense of humor, the gentleness of his touch, the way he likes chocolate with his coffee in the morning . . . well that is just torturing myself. Is that a healthy part of the grieving process or should I not allow those thoughts into my head?

Well. You can't really avoid those thoughts coming into your head - they have a way of sneaking in even when we think we're on our best guard. And it just, plain wrenches, doesn't it?

You will miss those things and thinking about them does hurt! Remember to remind yourself every, single time of the hurt he causes you and that you really do deserve someone who thinks you are the greatest thing since sliced bread and has no problems letting the world know it! And I cannot say this enough: remind yourself CONSTANTLY that while this hurting really does stink, it is a temporary, natural part of the grieving process and it will pass one day!


p.s. Even if saying "I love you" is something he will never be capable of doing, it still feels like choice and yes, I think being angry because the person you'd hoped was someone who might play a significant role in your future seems to be choosing not to give you something that seems so simple yet so vital is very, very valid!

I have a question for you all though . . . .

Maybe this is covered in the breakup ground rules and I will re-read them but, when going through a time like this I find that if I just block him out of my head as soon as he pops in, I am ok. But when I allow myself to think about the memories . . . his sense of humor, the gentleness of his touch, the way he likes chocolate with his coffee in the morning . . . well that is just torturing myself. Is that a healthy part of the grieving process or should I not allow those thoughts into my head?

The same thing happened with me dear Cindee. I almost had an cardiac attack as the old memories used to haunt me. So from my personal experience I can say that plz dont allow those thoughts to come within you and overwhelm you...its very painful, only tears and pain will be there if you entertain those thoughts:( I am saying this from my personal experience.

I am not defending you bf's action in any way...but I know how true is the trust issue. I have been shattered twice in my life from breakups and cheating in love. Trust me, I am AFRAID of the word love as I feel whosoever comes into my life will only shatter my life once again. So that might be an important issue. Anyways God will definitely find you a nice man :)

I think that we all sometimes must go through the process of dealing with the pain of any situation that is hurting us. It is the only way that it can be truly removed from our life.
It doesn't have to be anymore painful than what you allow. Dealing and wallowing are two different things.
I ended my 5 year relationship a few months ago and it was months of hurt and pain before finally telling him to go.
I deal with my own pain in my own way......I have a 20 something page journal here on the situation LOL.
It works for me.....as does a new man and dealing with my own up's and down's which is my life.
Bottom line? Life is too short to accept anything less than what is good for our own needs.
To me, even when things are at their worst, it is still a game and my curiousity as to what tomorrow will bring, good or bad, keeps me intrigued.
Blessings, TD

To Mrs. H: Yes, it does wrench. It is the worst. I have thought about posting a list on my mirror . . . the top ten reasons not to call him. I am determined to keep myself occupied though so as not to wallow. I'm headed out for a walk with my ex-husband (father of my children) to try and cheer him as he is battling cancer. Cancer is not the reason I left him by the way (but then, that's another story). Later this evening I am headed to a surf and turf party with friends.

To A Sen: I am sorry for your loss as well. How fresh is the pain for you? Are your coping stategies working? I do not blame Sam for his trust issues. I can only imagine being cheated on is about the worst thing ever. One of the things I admire most about Sam is his committment to fidelity. Good luck in your process and thank you for your thoughts.

To TD: I started reading your relationship journal a few days ago when I have spare moments. I am intrigued by it. I think I'm at about page 12 or so but at that point you are still in pain and having your bathroom remodeled. I am very interested in hearing of your healing process and can't wait to get to the part about the new man. I have been impressed by your independence and drive. You sound like a very passionate woman. My hat is off to you! I can't imagine losing my lover when I need him the most.

When compared to other folks, my problems are small, however, it does not mean that the pain of loss is not real. I'd love to continue this discussion as in just these two days this site has been such a source of support and love. I invite others to share their stories as well. I draw strength from it.

I agree with Mrs H.

This isn't working, you know why...because you're not feeling well loved or the joy that one gets when we know all right with our world.

You can all have different types of relationships, and it can be fine with you for a little while but after 3 years of this kind of relationship, what it comes down to is that this relationship is nothing special. Just a "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" and he's out of there. He can have all the nice qualities that you spoke about, but what's the point if you only get to be the recepient of those good qualities on a limited basis because for him, you're not worth getting all of him. If you want to put up with that kind of bs, go right ahead, but from your post...you're not happy. Oh yeah, you're happy when you with him, he comes back and pats your head and tells ya what you want to hear, but any other woman with stronger self esteem would not be putting up with this.

So I say this comes all back to you and how you're feeling about yourself. What are you telling yourself you are worth to yourself and to this ym? It can't be much since you've not learn that at your age, guys should be kissing your arse and not the other way around. But what you're thinking might be "oh my gosh, I'm 48, this is the only thing I'm worth having because of my age". That's bogus...since alot of ym like ow and you know that.

Another thing that's cross my mind is that, you really don't know where he's been or with whom. Unless you both are practicing safe sex, do you really want to take a chance of getting stds because he might be out watering everybody else's yard. Oh hell no!

Stop sitting around waiting for him to get a clue and get one yourself (you may think you're not, but you really are because there was no reason to return the movies to his mother). Go out and date others. The reason you're still sucking it up is because he knows he's been able to get away with it. And you're self worth is taking a pounding because you're letting him.

But if you're out dating others, hopefully you will find some other ym who will knock this other one out of the ballpark in good qualities that you admired on this ym, times 3. And then the lightbulb will go on and you're going to kick yourself for being a sap of sorts, and finding true fulfillment. So go, find your self worth and let some other ym appreciate you more, this one just doesn't give a hoot what he pollutes.

Paris

Hello fellow traveler!

I have been in your shoes. Your relationship has many similar elements to the one I was in for over 5 years with a younger man.

There is a thread you can search called "if it's not love, what is it?" that was ongoing for over a year with 3 of us who had part time relationships with similar issues.

One of the three is still in hers, although she doesn't post anymore here. I know her personally, and she is an MD with a very busy life and she is fine with a very part time, emotionally sparse relationship. The other two of us have ended ours. One was not her choice, and mine was my choice.

My YM had commitment issues and he very often said, "I can't give you what you need." And yet we would end up back together after weeks or months apart, trying to seperate unsuccessfully.

I am 7 months down the road now and it feels pretty good. I still miss him a little bit, but nothing like the first 3 months. I have had NO CONTACT and it was the right thing for me to do for myself. I feel okay, I have not started dating again, but I'm not ready for it either, for other reasons unrelated to breaking up with him. All the reasons you cite as what makes you remember him I had too, but my YM ended up doing something that allowed me to break up with him with some anger...and that's actually what I needed to move on. That anger was the catalyst to get me out of it and to "move on down the road" or suck it up, or however you'd like to phrase it. I'm actually grateful to him that he ended up disappointing me so much.

It's a process, and I'm glad you're here with us for support.
Best, Kat

cindee - I had a thought just now. A friend's aunt wrote an interesting book on relationships and how to find the right person to love. It's called Matchlines, and her name is Dr. Molly Barrow. See if you can find it at your local public library to borrow. If not, let me know. I am not here to push anyone buying her book, but it's really very good. Anyway, her thoughts on having an emotionally satisfying relationship is that you need to find yourself a partner that has the same capacity to give and receive love as you do. Her book came out last year. Her book website has a free download of the first chapter of the book. I am the Longerline in my relationship with my YM, but the gap isn't too big and his family is very warm to me.

http://www.askdrmolly.com/

And she also has a blog:
http://drmollybarrow.blogspot.com/

If you can't find the book at your library and are interested in reading it, I can let you borrow my copy of it. :yes:

Cindee,
Like Kat, I too, used anger and what he put me through to get through it myself. And too, for me, all of the other crap going on in my life gave me a lot of distraction from just focusing on him. Other than to be pissed off lol.
I try to find something, ANYTHING, that would keep me in a state of either, amusement or peace. I don't want to deny my feelings...just keep them in a mellow state. Doesn't work every moment of every day, for sure, but, for me, it does help.
You cannot rush yourself anymore than what your heart allows but you can KNOW that you are going to do whatever it takes to take care of you right now.
It really does get better.

irParis . . . ouch! You've given me some real food for thought here.

Kat7 . . . I'm so glad to hear you're in a better place now. I have read some of the post you mentioned in the past but I'll visit it again.

Mui . . . I will check out Dr. Molly's website and let you know about the book. I'd be interested in reading it. My daughter recommended a book to me as well. She's bringing it home when she comes at the end of this month. It's called, "He's Just Not That Into You" or something like that. She told me that it's going to tell me to dump his arse.

TD....I understand about anger. The first time he left a voicemail breakup message I was angry. I couldn't believe he didn't have the balls to actually speak to me. I called him a few choice names and it made it easier to not miss him. Then he has the nerve two months later to call me when I have already started seeing someone else. This is where next time he calls I'm going to think about what you all have said . . . hear that one Paris? He is not my last chance for a fulfilling and loving relationship. And yes, I'm worth it.

That's right, you are so worth so much more than he deserves. Always , always remember that. He's made his choice, several times from the looks of it...3 years is such a long time at our age, not to get the message. He's just not that into you.

But for some reason we women lose that message among all that lovey, dovey stuff and the Barbie playhouse (I don't remember where I read this, but it said, "if Barbie is so popular, why must we buy Ken") and the truth is we like how we feel when we're in love. Which is great, but it doesn't mean your IQ drops down to 0.

Get out there and see the world. There's some guy whose waiting to show you what love really looks like and he can't move forward and you can't move forward to it because you're stuck here...it would be ashame to pass that up and really feel that "home run, out of the ballpark and into the parking lot" kind of love. We all deserve it, you deserve it, believe in it and believe in yourself.

Paris

Thank you, Paris. I'm really going to try to remember your words. I think as much as it took me back at first, you are dead on.

Every day is a new adventure and I'm going to get out and find me one!

it would be ashame to pass that up and really feel that "home run, out of the ballpark and into the parking lot" kind of love. We all deserve it, you deserve it, believe in it and believe in yourself.

I say this all the time -- good one, dear paris!!

(cindee, glad you're listening - she is right, you know) :)

Yes, yes, I agree with the above.

But I also know that you can't deny feelings, and that those feelings must be worked through. I think that's why the "no contact" rule so many of us endorse around here works. I know I wasn't able to work through my feelings until I stopped communicating.

And ironically, while the thing I miss the most is our "friendship", after a few months, I realize this is a person I really don't have any desire to be friends with anymore.

Gotta love progress! It'll be yours someday soon too Cindee!

Lots of wise women with wise advice, here cindee and I think you know they're right. This guy has made it perfectly plain that he's giving you all he can, for whatever reason, and it's not enough for you. You do deserve more and you can find it - but not while this one is snapping the elastic back every time you start to feel like you can move on.

What I find amazing and miraculous about getting over someone who is bad for you is that it's a hard and difficult slog and then one day it's like you're cured and you think to yourself, what the hell was I thinking, he's a jerk/a narcissist/too dysfunctional to love someone/fill in the blank - but they all mean, a guy I don't want in my life because he doesn't get how amazing I am and realize he's lucky to be on the same planet as me. That's what you want, and that's what you can have - someone who thinks you're absolutely wonderful and tells you so with his behaviour.

In the meantime, if you need to make a top ten reasons not to call, do it, it's a fine idea. When I was quitting smoking I carried a list of reasons not to smoke and actually looked at it no and then to focus my willpower.

If you need to sit around listening to sad music and contemplating how bad you feel for a while, do that. But make sure at some point you force yourself to go out, mingle, keep busy, see friends, date - be part of the world, even if it doesn't feel natural. It will eventually.

And if you need to post updates here seeking encouragement or applause or just plain sympathy, go ahead, we've all been there and we all recognize where you're at and know it's painful.

Best of luck - you'll get through this.

Thanks so much Mrs. H and Kat7 . . . I need to keep hearing that reinforcement. I've been doing a lot of thinking. What has happened in the past is that we break up, I'm doing okay, until a month or two goes by and he calls. He really is an insecure individual because even when we are in an exclusive relationship, if he ignores me for a week or two, he wants to know if I have gone out on the town. When we have been broken up, if he calls me early in the morning (between 5 and 6), and I don't answer, he assumes I have spent the night with some other man (even though it would be my right to do so if I wish) but doesn't even stop to think that perhaps I am out for my morning walk! In the past, I have thought about not answering the phone, but afraid he would assume the above and not wanting to lose his friendship, I answer. Then the cycle begins all over again.

So . . . . .this is the plan. I WILL NOT answer that phone when he calls. To heck with what he thinks. Eventually he will assume I have moved on and he will stop calling. It is imperative that I have no contact with him. I understand that now. It will not be easy but if I ever want my homerun relationship, it must be done.

Wish me luck .. . .

Oh bijou . . . thank you, thank you, thank you. I will get through this!

Hey Cindee! I know it is easier said than done. But I think you should kick his butt to the curb. Talking to you when it is convenient for him is a no no. You deserve much better.
:D

I know exactly what you are going through, you think everytime he gets you back things will be different because he will be afraid to lose you again and will go all out to prove to you how much you are worth, but how long before things slip again, in my experience pretty damn quick. This is because these guys know how to play our emotions and as we don't change ourselves and make a firm stand then they sure as hell don't!
You have done 3 years of this yo yo effect (I did 4) and it will never get any easier, the emotional roller coaster becomes too much to bear (great highs, but dreadful lows). I have called time on mine and hurt like hell to think I will never again touch or hold him again, but I have had support on here and think we can all help each other along. I wish you all the luck, chat to me if you want to share opinions, mine situation was very similar to yours (I am 46, my ym was 34) except we were more 'friends with benefits' than any thing else.

Thank you, Str8dyme25 and welcome to ageless. Today has a been a rough day as he keeps creeping into my thoughts. No contact though . .

Fluffy . . How long has it been since your breakup? What was the single most important factor that helped you through this?

Thank you, Str8dyme25 and welcome to ageless. Today has a been a rough day as he keeps creeping into my thoughts. No contact though . .

Fluffy . . How long has it been since your breakup? What was the single most important factor that helped you through this?

Cindee, let me share a secret with you:

I used to deal with breakups with a bottle of Irish whiskey and a lot of hurtin' music. Being a slow learner, it took me years to come up with something better. But I did.

I spent a lot of time at the movies - renting dvd's just isn't the same, you have to go into a big theatre and sit in the dark and disappear into another reality for two hours or so.

It's great way to get into an altered state without a hangover or an addiction and it really works. It's not like the world is changed when you come out of the theatre, but it really helps to go to another place for a while.

I know exactly what you are going through, you think everytime he gets you back things will be different because he will be afraid to lose you again and will go all out to prove to you how much you are worth, but how long before things slip again, in my experience pretty damn quick.


Yeah, and ever notice how when you get back together, the time to the next break up is even shorter than the time before?

Cindee, you might pick up a copy of "He's Scared, She's Scared." This guy sounds like the classic commitmentphobe, and you will find answers and perhaps your own behavior identified within the pages.

Thanks for the advice, bijou. What have I got to lose?

"home run, out of the ballpark and into the parking lot" kind of love.

That's one of you best lines ever Paris!! And I agree whole heartedly that that is what every woman should be out for....accept nothing less!

Thanks so much Mrs. H and Kat7 . . . I need to keep hearing that reinforcement. I've been doing a lot of thinking. What has happened in the past is that we break up, I'm doing okay, until a month or two goes by and he calls. He really is an insecure individual because even when we are in an exclusive relationship, if he ignores me for a week or two, he wants to know if I have gone out on the town. When we have been broken up, if he calls me early in the morning (between 5 and 6), and I don't answer, he assumes I have spent the night with some other man (even though it would be my right to do so if I wish) but doesn't even stop to think that perhaps I am out for my morning walk! In the past, I have thought about not answering the phone, but afraid he would assume the above and not wanting to lose his friendship, I answer. Then the cycle begins all over again.

So . . . . .this is the plan. I WILL NOT answer that phone when he calls. To heck with what he thinks. Eventually he will assume I have moved on and he will stop calling. It is imperative that I have no contact with him. I understand that now. It will not be easy but if I ever want my homerun relationship, it must be done.

Wish me luck .. . .


This reminds me of my ex.

This was the way his mom described the situation of us breaking up and getting back together.


---------
He's not in love with you, Angel.

He's like a kid with an old toy. He'll pick you up every now and then and play with you but the longer he owns you the less and less that time becomes.

Now you're that old favorite toy in the corner that he hasn't replaced with a new toy yet. He's fiddling with other toys but nothing so far has been as great as you. But he's going to keep looking and when he finds a new toy off to Salvation Army you go.

For now you remain in the corner waiting and the only time you get attention is when another kid comes along and tries to pick you up. Because, while he doesn't want you, he doesn't want anyone else to want you either.
-----------


Her words rung true for my relationship and when I read your post it reminded me of that time. I spent years like that. It was an unhappy place marked with the occasional tender moment.

My thoughts are with you right now even if I don't have words of wisdom.

Three years is way too long to wait to meet his mother, it's way too long to be a girlfriend who can't say she's going to see her guy during the summer. I read his behavior, "I don't think I can see you this summer as I'll be busy." as a complete and total blow off.

It's unthinkable for you to pursue this man further. Do not waste any more time on him. If you need counseling to let go, do it.


Ali

Why does he live with his mother still at 35 years of age? Did he ever have some stretches of time where he lived on his own?

Rozie . . I have a little wrapper from a Dove chocolate on my mirror. It says, "Never settle." You and Paris are right - no girl should ever have to. I had myself convinced that other than his disappearing acts and lack of involvement in my life, I had Prince Charming.

Angel . . . You truly understand as you have been here yourself. Your story IS my story. Right now he's away at camp and will return today. Some day soon the phone will ring because he has some needs to be met but he'll tell me he had to call because he just wanted to hear my voice. He'll tell me that he missed my friendship 'cuz I'm the only one he can really talk to. Or he'll stop by unannounced on his way to work with a DD coffee for me (although thank God he has enough respect to not go for the quickie).

He's the "sweep me off my feet" kind of guy when he wants to be, bringing me flowers and telling me I'm beautiful. We'll have one incredibly tender night and then he'll be gone again. And yes, he tells me that the thought of me with anyone else is unbearable.

Ali . . thank you for your input. Believe it or not I have been in counseling for seven years to deal with the emotional abuse caused by my alcoholic ex-husband of 26 years and a controlling father before that. So just imagine where I was seven years ago. I know what you say is right and I keep telling myself that I deserve to be treated better. I was so taken in by the fact that he never says a harsh word, he shows affection often, and yes, he is incredibly handsome - in my eyes anyway. I have dated other men since my marriage. Some want to smother and that is just too much. There needs to be a mutual and natural (I think) desire to be a part of each other's life but with time for others too. There is that middle ground I am looking for.

Mui . . By the way - I think I'm going to purchase the book you mentioned and then share it with my two daughters as well. They are in their mid-20's and I think it would be helpful to them too.

Sam moved to Colorado right after high school and worked on a road crew. He was not there very long when he moved back here (Vermont) for a woman. That relationship didn't last but he met someone new and moved in with her at about age 21. He was smitten, they soon had a child. He got hurt on the job (broke several vertebra in his back), and was out of work for awhile which put strain on their relationship. He stayed away a lot, they fought a lot, she found someone else, he left and moved back home - but his mom was living elsewhere at that time. When her relationship ended, she moved back to the family home with Sam.

He is self-employed and owns a camp on an island (which is only accessible by boat) in a beautiful lake. I have been there three times in the three years I have known him. He has been telling me for three years that he wants to live on his own, but I'll believe that when I see it. I have made the offer for him to move in with me so I could at least wake up next to him every day, but he has declined. He says he just likes being alone. He works days, his mom works nights.

Well . . that's it in a nutshell. Sorry for the long post, not sure if this makes sense but if you have any other questions or suggestions I'm happy to hear them.

I want to make this break once and for all because you all have convinced me that I can have it all.

Oh, and another thing . . can someone remind me how to change my signature keychain to "flying solo?" I think I originally followed a link posted by Kristin, and I have looked around, but not sure how to get there without looking up that post. Technological wizard I am not. I could probably ask the tech guy but someone here must know.

Thanks!

Oh, and another thing . . can someone remind me how to change my signature keychain to "flying solo?" I think I originally followed a link posted by Kristin, and I have looked around, but not sure how to get there without looking up that post. Technological wizard I am not. I could probably ask the tech guy but someone here must know.

Thanks!

Hi cindee.

Please follow this link (www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?t=20075&highlight=chain); it's the last entry in the first post there.

Awesome . . thank you, Buttercup!