Head over heels need help

Well I have been reading the posts and figure I will give it a shot, I am pretty private usually about my love life, but this situation has me feeling very overwhelmed and afraid that I have made a huge mistake in trusting my YM with my heart.
I have been seeing my YM for about 11 months, I am 42 and he is 30 soon to be 31. My first YM was 23, and that did not last, though the sex was great :) we were just not compatible and he was abusive after a few weeks which I was not about to do just having left 24 years of marriage to an abuser. I did not originally seek out this YM of mine, he started conversation with me, and quietly put his number into my phone. I was flattered, but he kind of scared me, as he has this intensity though he is extremely and painfully shy. I was coming off the breakup with the 23 yo so really was not looking for somehting serious and I thought well what the heck, I will just sleep with him once or a few times for confidence, and to get through the feelings I was having over the pending divorce and breakup with the other guy. Well here we are 11 months later... I thought a couple of times we would break up, but we have a lot in common, and we seem to get some strength and good things from each other and have good conversations, and I feel we have the beginnings of a great life together. He has put the brakes on several times, because he has been hurt before, he has a two year old daughter(mother is not in the picture), and I have been looking for too much from him stating we are just in this for sex. We have had good conversations about this a couple times, and then things have been much better-- I have given much more than he has for sure, and a lot faster, mostly because it has always felt so right for me. I truly fell in love over the last three months or so, and told him everything that was in my heart- he responded that we can only be friends nothing more. That was hard to take this was in April, and I thought maybe I won't see him again. He came back and things were awesome, but did not bring up the emotional stuff at all. Anyway to make a vey long story short, I have continued to be open about how I feel and he has made no move into telling me how he feels or if he feels the same way I do. I believe he does because of his actions--spending time with me, and talking to me about his life and family and friends, have shown that there is more to us than just sex. I wrote him this about a week ago, after we had a really bad week-end, I was depressed about some things with my divorce, and he was angry about some things with his family. anyway the sex was painful, and I told him that he hurt me and scared me.
So now he has cut me off and though I know we are about more than sex, I feel the loss of that connection could be bad for us, though he says I am making a mountain out of something here. One thing I am trying to figure out, and maybe you can help with this, does he love me or am I just fooling myself? A real good friend told me this week that he talked with him and he does love me, but feels I am too old for him. I was floored as this has not come up for us but one time and we both agreed it wasn't the huge thing. Now I am afraid it is a deal breaker- we have 11 years between us but we have so much good, I don't wnt him to throw it all away because of our age differences, how do I bring it up and make him understand it is more important to foll your heart? Scared to death of losing him...Help me

You really do not have a big age gap. I think that you should bring up the subject of age and be as open as you can. Depending on the person, age can represent a huge insurmountable barrier. The painful sex is to me another big red flag. I wish I was more supportive or positive, but I had a marriage with a person who did not communicate his love very well and I have no patience with that anymore.

thanks Sheila, I am going to try and bring it up, am just not sure of myself with him sometimes. I think it is harder because I love my YM so much, and am afraid he will never feel the same about me, or let himself fall into love so completely. I think disapproval from his father and his mother is a factor as well, though I do not have to deal with that on my side of thngs.

I have to agree with shelia on this one I would sit with him and discuss this issue of age gap..SEND HIM HERE!!! I have a 22 year age gap LOL

Charmeleon,
I am scared of that idea, he is very shy and does not like to even hardly talk to me when we are out in public though he has warmed up alot the last couple of weeks actually is making eye contact and smiling at me. I don;t know what he would think about this and would probably be furious I would talk to complete strangers about him. I know I have to get over the fear of losing him, not easy though... I want him to open up more, then I would feel more sure of what to say to him, do you think it is true if he didn't care about me the age thing wouldn't be bothering him because he would just move on? Or am I just wishful thinking....

have been looking for too much from him stating we are just in this for sex.

Lily 42,

He IS just in it for the sex. You two started out being in it for the sex and he's decided that he's not taking it to the next level and he's staying in it for the sex. He's using the age gap as an excuse not to commit to you, and continue to get sex.

You can't lose him. You don't have him. I honestly don't think you ever will. He's using your vulernability to get his needs met, sex, talking, etc. but he's not giving you what you need emotionally in return. This relationship of love is all one way...from you to him.

Send him on his merry way once and for all. A non-reciprocated love is so hurtful and draining. You must spend so much time and energy worrying about him. It's time to put yourself first.

[QUOTE=Lily42;489022]Charmeleon,
I am scared of that idea, he is very shy and does not like to even hardly talk to me when we are out in public though he has warmed up alot the last couple of weeks actually is making eye contact and smiling at me. I don;t know what he would think about this and would probably be furious I would talk to complete strangers about him. I know I have to get over the fear of losing him, not easy though... I want him to open up more, then I would feel more sure of what to say to him, do you think it is true if he didn't care about me the age thing wouldn't be bothering him because he would just move on? Or am I just wishful thinking....[/QUOTE

ya most men do get upset I was shocked mine was okay with it!:eek::yes:

I would sit with him though and discuss it see how he feels and ask him if there is a future for you to if he says I dont know after 11 months then i would say dont hold your breath...i dont know girl :(

I mean it. You are in a relationship that is just so inherently destructive. Do you have thoughts of suicide? Are you depressed?

Find a therapist and go tomorrow. PLEASE!!!!!!


Ali

Bubbleee,
I am not sure about what you said though, why would he say we should not have sex for awhile, and stick to it, if he was only in it for the sex. He is still here in my life. I question that because of what he is doing not what he is saying.

So now he has cut me off and though I know we are about more than sex, I feel the loss of that connection could be bad for us, though he says I am making a mountain out of something here. One thing I am trying to figure out, and maybe you can help with this, does he love me or am I just fooling myself? A real good friend told me this week that he talked with him and he does love me, but feels I am too old for him. I was floored as this has not come up for us but one time and we both agreed it wasn't the huge thing. Now I am afraid it is a deal breaker- we have 11 years between us but we have so much good, I don't wnt him to throw it all away because of our age differences, how do I bring it up and make him understand it is more important to foll your heart? Scared to death of losing him...Help me
I am scared of that idea, he is very shy and does not like to even hardly talk to me when we are out in public though he has warmed up alot the last couple of weeks actually is making eye contact and smiling at me. I don;t know what he would think about this and would probably be furious I would talk to complete strangers about him.
I don't think that he loves you. And you never had him to lose.

Then I think he is too controlling of you. From the get go when he put his phone number into your cellphone (maybe romantic to you, maybe a psychological test on his part), he has been the alpha in the relationship. Plus you say that you've given more of yourself than him. And any compromising has all been done by you. I don't like that the last weekend you spent with him, the sex hurt you and that you were scared.

Then you say one of your male friends talked to him about you, but then you say that he would be furious if you talked to others about him (I realize that you said complete strangers, but since we don't know your true identity or his, there is not much difference). So it's okay for him to talk about your relationship with others, but you can't do the same. To me that's a tactic of isolating you from others and having a outside support network.

Lastly, I don't think that he will give you a straight answer about your age gap bothering him. It obviously exists if he told your friend that it does. Eleven years is not a big age gap at all, it's not to us, but to many it is.

But this is only my take on what you have written. And I think that you can do a lot better than this guy.

Oh, I don't know, Lily. If I were you I'd get out of that relationship NOW before you waste three years like I have. There are some similarities between your relationship and mine but at least my YM took me out and actually showed affection in public but that still got me no closer to really having him.

Walk away and open yourself up to the possibilities that lie ahead. I know it hurts . . . that's where I am right now.

:bighug:lily love he sounds like a great guy..just sounds like you and him were very burnt by past relationships. Until you both have resolved that pain it is very hard to move on to the next man/woman

do sit with him and see what he says love...hopefully everything will be okay:yes:

Am depressed, but not because of him, he has been the one bright spot in my life right now, I have so many other things going on my life he truly has been there for me, just able to listen and talk with me.

Thanks al.....l I will let you know how it goes, I do love him though. He has been a jerk at times, I do agree, but I have allowed it, so I am at fault as well. I don't think he has been too controlling we only see each other on week-ends, I did not mention that before, so we do have our own lives during the week. We don't talk on the phone ever, occasionally text message, most of our talking is face to face and in private. I will consider moving on, but am not sure I can right now, I am really in it deep. My eyes are wide open I have had the rose glasses on sometimes, but I see him for who he is right now, and I still love him, so I guess that says something for me anyway... I know I can't change him so I will see if he can change his response to me instead.. It is very nice to know I am not alone.

Honey, you and I are living in that sweet little land called denial. I don't mean to sound harsh . . that is the last thing you need. I kept going back to my man and kept convincing myself that this time it would be different . . this time he would admit he loved me and give me the time and attention I deserve. No, no, no, never gonna' happen. As of two days ago I have given up.

Do you have girlfriends to talk to - friends you can hang out with? We are here to listen. These folks here at ageless have been such a help to me. Pay attention to them.

One day at a time, sweetie. I know what it feels like to love someone you can't really have. I wish you the best.

Lily, I agree with Bubs. He likes you, maybe a lot, as a friend, he likes the sex, but he has already stated, "you are too old for me." My first experience with a young man was much the same, although we had a 17 year gap and he wanted to marry someone who could give him kids. He stated that early on. I still dated him for a total of 2 years, but I finally left when I decided not to waste any more time for either of us.

If your YM thinks you are "too old" and you only have 11 years gap, it won't get any better. You, too, will move on when you are ready. I hope you get clarity on the issue soon.

I was coming off the breakup with the 23 yo so really was not looking for somehting serious and I thought well what the heck, I will just sleep with him once or a few times for confidence, and to get through the feelings I was having over the pending divorce and breakup with the other guy.

Lily, I am sorry for your pain but here is my POV for all it's worth.

We all need to be responsible for our actions and choices...and even women need to take full responsibility for the consequences of our sexual/relationship choices...not just always blame men for being unable to connect or being commitmentphobic or using women.

Above, you stated your reasons for become involved with this YM. Let's be honest, they are not respectful reasons. You were using him sexually to feed your ego and to help you forget about the 23 yo man as well as feelings of low self-esteem from your divorce. And he was using you sexually.

This YM is sticking to his originally intent. However, you are now wanting to change your original intent (to just use him sexually to boost your ego). In all honesty, there seems to be something very inconsistent about this logic. I know you are hurting and I am not unempathetic to that--however, let's look at the facts for a moment. It seems that you have brought this whole situation on yourself by entering this relationship for all the wrong reasons or at least different reasons than what you now desire...in the hopes that somehow it will change magically.

As tough as it is, you need to bite the bullet and move on and chalk it up to a VERY valuable learning experience.

Lily I have been in the exact same situation with a ym (me 46 him 34) and have been friends with him for 6 odd years, 4 of those as sexual partners. We became 'friends with benefits' which was fine initially but I fell in love, he knew this and continued to want sex with me knowing how I felt so I have ended the relationship and I urge you to do the same. You will end up with low self esteem hoping that because the sex is so good he will fall in love with you, believe me it doesn't work!!
It hurts like hell to walk away, but it hurts more to be in it if that makes any sense. Message me if you want to chat.

Hello Lily,

I don't often post here any longer, but I was drawn to comment on your original post ... so here I am.

First I have to say that I was in a 30 year age gap relationship when I first came to Ageless and that fact has little to nothing to do with a man and a woman connecting. What does matter is that you both WANT to be together. My relationship was wonderful on every level. I conceeded nothing that I want and will accept in a partner.

That said, I have to go along with Bubbs. We are on the outside looking in. You are in the midst of it all. It's much harder to see from where you are standing, but this ym does not have your best interests at heart. If he "appears" to love you (and that's a big word) at times, then that really is all it is. Men want sex and if they can get it without little trouble then it works fine for them.

The fact that you don't even seen him during the week is a red flag, as is his not wanting to commit other than saying it is about sex, and then hurting you while having ???sex???, I don't think any of those things spell love on any level. You have to really look at it with open eyes to see this is not a healthy relationship for you.

Here's the thing, it's very difficult to begin something new when you are still trying resolve the past (the ending of your marriage ... and that ... 24 years of it). No one is good at doing those two things at the same time. Your emotions from one will spill over into the other. You will be asking for something from the new person you did not get from the other ... there are so many things that can happen to sabatoge a new relationship before you have finished with your marriage in all ways, physically, emotionally AND spiritually.

My strong suggestion is to stop seeing any new men, young OR older and begin to work on what you need to work on to make you a whole and even person while you go through this divorce and then after. Counseling is very much in order here. If you could have several months of counseling for yourself to help you see the things you cannot see right now (again, it's so hard for us to see things when we are in the middle of it), and then resolve your marriage in your head and heart, and then be evened out to then receive new man in your life on the other side, then you would have gone through this not so pleasant situation the quickest and easiest way you can.

Remember, you are finally getting out of a relationship that was not good for you. There are ever so many more women who stay ... well ... forever. Celebrate that you are on your way to a new life for you at the age you are today. It's a very good thing.

But running head first into other relationships to try to either ease the pain and/or help you over the hurdle is not fair to you or the other person. If you think about that you will see that I am right. You are a ball of emotions (as we all were when we went through a divorce). Take time to resolve those issue within you first and then you will be ever so ready to meet a man that deserves you.

I would also suggest that you write down everything you want in a man. I could do that after my divorce because I knew from my marriage all the things I did NOT want in a man. Make the list complete and detailed. Don't leave out anything ... minimum 20 items. Then do not settle for anything less in a man than at least 18 of those things on your list. You are worth it and you CAN have what you want in a man.

I think if you stop to take care of you, get counseling, spend time with girlfriends instead of trying to make a relationship work with a new person with all these emotions you have clouding your perception, that on the other side of it all you will have the man of your dreams.

Let this ym go. He does not have your best interests at heart AND you are holding onto something that is not there ... that is not good for YOU. There are plenty of other men in the world, and ones who will treat you like a princess as it should be. Think more highly of yourself and you will do fine.

All my best ... sorry for the long post ...

princessdy

ps I'm sure I was led to the following post I am attaching for you and anyone else it might help. I found it on another thread, but maybe it can also work here. I think it's a great post and hopefully it will help you. http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?t=29858&page=2

The painful sex is definately a red flag if he was being forceful which was causing the pain. I always say trust your instincts they can never prove you wrong but this won't work if you are a worryward like me.

Since he is acting this way I would probably just leave him be. Easier said than done but time heals all wounds.

One thing I am trying to figure out, and maybe you can help with this, does he love me or am I just fooling myself?

Just a brief reply and its meant in general, not specifically aimed at you. I do not understand why women who are outright told by their guy that he is in it for sex, that there is no future and actually goes so far as to put on the breaks, feel that somewhere in that mess there must really be this deep love!

My answer is you are just fooling yourself and I agree, a therapist might be able to help you figure out why this is OK to you. I think that was good advice.

I am thankful you all are so honest, though it does hurt to think I have gone about this for all the wrong reasons and excused behaviors I shouldn't have. I do love my YM I know it is the real thing for me, so that makes it especially hard to face that it isn't that way at all for him. I should have been wiser. I think I will test him a bit, before I end it, to make sure that he truly does not care. I have not had very good boundaries so am thinkng that putting some of those in place will create some tension for him and force him to make a choice which we all agree he should. Also, it will send the word about how I want to be treated -- which is a lot better. It is true I got into it for the wrong reasons and so did he, but I do think things happen for a reason and there are parts of this relationship I haven't shared/won't share that make me think God might have a plan that he & I did not even foresee with this relationship. I have taken off the rose colored glasses though so will keep my clarity about me- he has done many things that are not ok and that I do not want happening in my life partnership. Those have to stop and now...
I think because of all of you, I will be ok if I give up this relationship and move on, I feel empowered by your strength and wisdom, and am very thankful for that gift. I do honestly believe that some things are meant to be though, and when I look into his eyes and he really looks back at me, I see something I have never seen -- like a missing piece to my life, sounds very much corny I know, but it is strange I think on some gut level this was meant to be he and I -- and if that is the case I know that my standing up for myself and letting him know these things he's been doing aren't ok is not going to send him running, they will make him respect me more. I will defintiely do those things because of all your comments--So it is in God's hands the outcome and hopefully happiness will be ahead for me and my YM....

Does he feel about God the same way you do? I just couldn't help but notice how you've mentioned God in your last post... and odd that you never mentioned him before.

I very much believe that everything happens for a reason. Most times it's for us to learn a lesson. I believe if we learn the lesson sooner than later, we can move on to the next lesson, but know, there is not end to the lessons as long as we are alive. If we do not learn the lesson, then we will have to repeat it over and over again until we do "get it". That's what I've always tried to avoid. I don't mind learning lessons as I go up in levels of understanding and life's lessons as I learn, but I do not want to do the same lessons over and over ... preventing me from going on to something better (as is always the case).

So do as you think to "prove to yourself" what you need, but having gone through relationships with two ym, please take the time to evaluate on the other side of both relationships what you might learn from each situation so you do not have to go through the same thing again.

All my best,
princessdy

Miu
Yes he does feel about God the same way, I just did not bring it up before. We have talked about this he and I, and have the same values and belliefs. I just am new to this type of dialogue and wasn't sure what I wanted to talk about and share. I have a deep faith and I know he knows that is a part of who I am.. Does that change anything I am not sure, things still need to change and we have to keep making some forward progress otherwse it isn't something we should be sharing. I truly think if I had enough faith I would not even being asking for advice and support here, I could trust God and that would be enough because I do know and believe with all my heart that he wants me to be happy. Is my YM the missing part of my heart?? Only time is going to tell I think...

I only asked because I feel it's important for a couple to have similar levels of spirituality. About six months ago, I helped an internet friend through a rough period in her life where her boyfriend had broken up with her and she was trying to get back with him. She finally succeeded and they are dating again, but at one point I talked to her by phone and she kept bringing up God and how much she prayed to him for guidance. Anyway, at the time it struck me that it's fine to look to God for guidance, but that if your s/o wasn't as religious, that sort of thought pattern could make him uncomfortable. Good communication is so necessary to maintaining a healthy and strong relationship, but both need to be using the same dictionary.

Miu,
:) Oh I agree, I think we both need to work on our communication, and maybe just need to slow waaay down on this, if it is meant to be we have all the time in the world to work on it. But. like I said earlier, I need better boundaries with him, and I need to make it clear that he needs to figure out what he wants out of our relationship and if we are still in it for sex, that it needs to be over between us, because I can't just have sex with him. I am head over heels- totallly, and I won't settle for less than a committed relationship between us. We both deserve the best from each other.

...and maybe just need to slow waaay down on this, if it is meant to be we have all the time in the world to work on it. But. like I said earlier, I need better boundaries with him, and I need to make it clear that he needs to figure out what he wants out of our relationship and if we are still in it for sex, that it needs to be over between us, because I can't just have sex with him. I am head over heels- totallly, and I won't settle for less than a committed relationship between us. We both deserve the best from each other.
Lily - Please keep in mind that it's only been 11 months. And many times, even when a couple is very compatible, each one may be going at a different pace.

Also, you do have all the time in the world to work on this. You are 42 years old and I am 48. Please trust me when I tell you there is no need to rush. And seeing how your YM is almost 31, if you rush him (although it's okay to gently steer him) into a commitment before he is ready, then you stand the real chance of scaring him off. Even in a same age relationship, rushing your partner comes off as seeming desperate and needy. No one wants a needy clingy partner, but what is attractive is confidence, experience and a good sense of humor.

So take a step back and take a little time to work on yourself. You know you deserve a great guy and if he don't appreciate you, be strong enough to tell him to take a hike. And if you don't want your relationship to be about sex (to him) then find out more about what makes him tick. Does he like cars, hiking, bicycling or fishing? If so, do some of those things with him. Your dates shouldn't be only about a romantic (to you) dinner and then homeward. Try to get him interested in trying some new things with you. Go away for a weekend and visit someplace neither of you have been to. Go to a rodeo or a state fair. Guys like to do lots of things, get out there and do some of them with him. Even if it means getting your hands greasy and helping him tune up his car. I think if you try to be less romantic and sexy, and work on being his best friend, he will see that you have a lot more to offer him than being a booty call.

Does he like cars, hiking, bicycling or fishing? If so, do some of those things with him. Your dates shouldn't be only about a romantic (to you) dinner and then homeward. Try to get him interested in trying some new things with you. Go away for a weekend and visit someplace neither of you have been to. Go to a rodeo or a state fair. Guys like to do lots of things, get out there and do some of them with him. Even if it means getting your hands greasy and helping him tune up his car. I think if you try to be less romantic and sexy, and work on being his best friend, he will see that you have a lot more to offer him than being a booty call.

I suggested to my ym that we do these things together - fishing is his absolute favorite but no dice. He wasn't interested. I believe I was just a booty call. For your sake, Lily, I hope that you're not.

I too was just a booty call, we never did any thing socially together, he had no desires to take me anywhere or share any aspects of his life away from me. Initially this was both our choice as I did have a hard time with the age-gap but when feelings kick in and you realise you are in love then so what about an age difference? I urge you to try and get back some self esteem and know that love is a two-way process and whilst the sex may be great it is demeaning that possibly that is what only holds him to you!

Lily, I am a bit confused...is he currently refusing all contact with you? (e.g. he will not accept your calls, etc.?)

Rosebud,
No that is not the case, we are neither of us real phone people, we text occasionally, but not much druing the work week as we both have pretty busy jobs. In fact he agreed last week-end that everything was great with us, we just didn't need to have the sex going on right now. That was what sort of threw me, as we have been doing that all along, and I kind of was looking forward to it. I do think now that it maybe is a healthy sign, or that maybe it is the end.. either way, I know now I can handle it, the end is not what I want though. I just hope it is a sign that he also thinks we need to change things a bit. I do hear everyone though and will be careful that I don't ignore it if he is just keeping me for a booty call. :)
I think it is much too late to say I won't hurt over this though if it is at the end, as I love this YM with all my heart.

One thing I have had trouble with in love is, recognizing the difference in real love, and the 'longing for love' feeling. After a divorce or breakup, having love hunger is not rare.

Also, having this love object helps you to not think about the divorce and later breakup. It sounds like it is an escape from those hurt feelings. Now that it is not working for you, you want romantic love from him.

How can you love someone who just recently started looking you in the eye? Or someone who hurt and scared you during sex? You have said that he hasn't treated you well. What do you really like about him?

I think you need more people in your life. You seem lonely to me.

I hope you will take it slow and maybe get some 'divorce grief counseling'. Good luck
PS... PrincessDy... you always give the best advice! HUGS..

Thanks for the response :) but you have it wrong yellowrose, He has always looked me in the eye, just is shy sometimes in public, and also I have built these feelings over 11 months not just in a week or something. He has only hurt me twice, and I should clarify, it was not abusive or anything, just in the course of love making- but you know how it is when you get hurt during sex, it still leaves you feeling bad even if you know your lover did not want to do anything to hurt you. I just felt disconnected from him that was my point in sharing that. I know I have let him get away with not spending more time with me, or getting more committed, and that is how I feel he has not treated me like some guys would, he just can't get me out of that compartment he put me into in his life- I think it has to do with the fact that I am older he is afraid of what his parents will say and some of our friends have said things as well, but most are ok with it and think we are great together. I do understand that, but it is hard to see if he can get past that fear, and let himself just go with it.. That is truly my frustration.. How can I love him; he is a very amazing man, smart, honest, and creative, a good father and a good man, and always does the right thing even when it is difficult- he has some very good qualities which I have not shared because I have been venting mostly and feeling like I want more than I am getting right now. I know that I need to be more patient, as I know we both need time for the dust to settle in our lives there has been much going on that has raised the stress levels alot. He is worth waiting for in my mind, but I do still think I need to get some better boundaries then I won't feel as much frustratiions with him because I know he will respect that from me. As for being hung up over my divorce, sadly that is not the case-- my husband was very verbally and emotionally abusive, for 23 years and we did not have sex the last six years of my marriage, I did not have sex with anyone during that time, just came back to God and prayed for some answers. I have had much counseling over the last year and a half and it has helped tremendously, I have many friends that love me, and also a good faith community online and locally. Honestly I was not looking for my YM when he kind of fell into my life, but like I said I did get into it for the wrong reasons intially which I have asked him to forgive me for, and also God. I am not sure where we are going with the relationship, and I came to this site just to kind of find out if it could truly work out, and just kind of get some ideas as to whether I was handling things wrong or not, and I guess I know I need to keep my eyes open and try very hard not to deceive myself--after all the great responses I have gotten. Love is difficult at times but I know it is worth it if it is right, and I really think this is the real deal, I just hope he can have the faith in us that I do- only God knows for sure and I will wait and do the things I need to do and say, and hopefully the outcome will be happiness for us both together.... :)

Just something to point out.

If you read through the threads here about successful AGRs, most (not all, but most) have a young man who actively pursued the woman and the age gap did not bother him from the beginning. Guys who find themselves with an older woman "accidentally" or for the thrill of it don't seem able or willing to go the distance.

The guy you're with has said he has a problem with the age difference (and it even isn't that big.) BIG red flag there that does not bode well for the future of a relationship with this guy!

I agree with some of the other ladies here that you are trying to fill an emotional hole in your life and (I think) that what you are feeling is not really love. It sounds like infatuation to me. I think he told the friend the "I love her but the age gap bothers me" just so he didn't look like a jerk.

I think 11 months is plenty of time for someone to determine if they are in love. If he truly loved you, the age gap wouldn't matter. He's 31 years old, already has a child....no reason for the age gap to make a difference. It's total BS.

Put it this way, if he loved you, you'd KNOW it. You wouldn't have to be here asking for opinions.

I have yet to see a relationship here work where the guy was so wishy-washy in the beginning. Most ladies here had no question that their guy loved them. Usually, they are worried if it would last or if he was old enough to know for sure or worried that he was giving up so much of his youth for them.

This guy IS old enough to know and he has said he doesn't love you, he is in it for the sex and the age gap is a problem for him.

This will not end well, I think. I'm sorry. :(

And if you are into God and signs, maybe God gave you a sign - the painful sex.

Maybe he's trying to tell you to get out, that this will only mean pain for you?

maybe you are right sigh... we will see

Maybe you need a cleansing period of being single and not dating at all for a while. It will also give your YM a chance to see if he misses you in his life. Sometimes, you can't appreciate what you have until it's just not there at all. And it's okay to be single. In my past, I used to take 1-3 years between my boyfriends as a cleansing period and a time to get to know myself better, read books, take classes and hang out with my friends.

Miu has some good advice. I found that after a breakup I was usually EXTREMEMLY vulnerable to starting a new relationship about 6 months after it. And usually anything started that soon didn't end well. I think Kristen has some good points as well.

My first young man said much the same thing that yours is saying, only he at least told me up front about 6 months into it that we would never have a serious future together, since he wanted to marry and have a family, and I was 'too old" (He was 29 and I was 46) for that. He also never told me he loved me, although I think he did up to a point. His actual words were something to the effect that, "I like you better than any woman I have ever been with, and if you were younger and could still have children I would want to marry you." It was an FWB relationship after that for the next year and a half, which even though I understood the "rules", it still hurt like h*** for both of us when I finally broke it off.

I hope you get some clarity soon. It is definitely a difficult place in which to be.

I remember having a conversation with a male friend about something like this. He said men can have sex with friends that they love. Its just sex but just because theyre having sex with a friend that they love, it doesnt mean that they are IN love with them.

He also said that when asked directly men will give you the answer but that women usually hear only what they want to hear.

I believe that, that statement is you. He has told you how he feels about it, He might love you but I dont believe that he is IN love with you. As for the rough sex, if you were someone that he loved he wouldnt of used you to vent out his frustrations and anger while you two were having sex. If he had done it then he would of apologized afterwards and have made love to you in a gentler way in order to make up for his transgression instead he cut you off.

For some men being 5 years older is too much for them. They want what they think of as a youthful woman and that for some is usually someone younger than they are. Your 10 year age gap is no big deal but to him it is, you cannot change his mind about it, if he sees you as too old now he will always see you as too old and that should tell you that he will be looking for a woman younger than he is for a life partner.

but you know how it is when you get hurt during sex, it still leaves you feeling bad even if you know your lover did not want to do anything to hurt you. I don't recall being hurt in sex even though I have had my share of partners.

From this side of the fence I see a lot of denial on your part. You were the one to post that in the last 3 weeks he has started to look you in the eye, by the way.

I just hate to see nice women in pain over a guy who doesn't treat them like a queen. You deserve and can have so much more than what you are getting in this deal. He is lucky to have someone like you...

Remember that old saying, "If you love someone, set them free...If they come back to you, they're yours....If they don't, it was never meant to be."

I know all too well the deep longing you feel. That wanting-love angst. But it sounds like he is not willing or able to meet you where you want to be met.

I say cut him loose and find someone who is willing to be the kind of partner you want.

And it's not fair to put any kind of emotional pressure on him to "love you" in a way he isn't able to right now.

Love, romance, etc...has to be freely given with integrity and authenticity. Listen to actions, not words.

All the wishing and waiting in the world won't necessarily make it so.

That emptiness that yearns to be filled can never be filled by "the guy." It can only be healed and filled by us.

Thought I would give an update. I am totally confused about men, and have decided I just don't get them at all.... I had completely given up on my YM this week, thanks for everyone's great advice- it really helped me... I decided no matter what I was going to stand up for myself and be very staright about what I wanted and also not worry so much about whats going on in his head-- as that was part of my problem in some ways I have been completely worried about what he was thinking and feeling about me and not hearing it from him was driving me crazy. I finally saw my YM last night, and was reminded about all the things that have made me fall in love with him so much. His personality, he is very quiet much like myself, occasionally warms up and says things, but keeps to himself. He flirts just enough with his eyes, to make you melt as he is very handsome, and very expressive when he looks at me. He also is very private, which I appreciate as I don't like people I know knowing all my business, I think you should be choosy with who you share the deepest parts of you with..Finally, he does not say the emotional stuff, but he delivers in what he does..
Anyway, he made love to me passionately last night like he hasn't in months, and I was pretty blown off the map, wasn't expecting that from him. I remembered what strwberries said though that he may not be in love he may just be making love to a friend he loves, though it seemed much more than that just from the way he connected with me, it was very emotional and whole hearted as well as his touches were very loving and tender unlike how it has been. He held me in his arms first, for a long time, and I would have been content to lie there forever it felt so right just talking and cuddling and listening to each others hearts. I know at moments like that, that I am not just lusting after him, I genuinely feel a sense of peace and communion I have never had with anyone else and I know he feels that too, I just see the tension melt off his face, and feel him relax completely as we are together..
I am trying to be smart everyone so don't be disgusted with me, I really am still keeping my mind open to the possibility that I truly should just take this at face value, and I could very well be being used by him. But-- I am very much in love with him, and he knows it, and he is very kind sometimes-- not that I have gone on about that in my postings; but I do know his heart fairly well, and it is a really good and honest one. I do not believe he is capable of deceiving me, about what is in his heart when he makes love to me or talks with me. I also truly don't know if he is a jerk yet- jury is still out on that, I have a lot of faith that he is not... I feel in my heart he is not, but I love him so I am probably more forgiving than I should be..
I am encouraged right now, but I promise I will keep my eyes open and try to be honest with myself. We talked some about the relationship, he said he is committed but not to sure about what, I did not push him on that- it sounded postiive. I really tried not to get terribly heavy with him this week-end as I wanted to see how his actions would be if I acted differently-I somehow tapped into some confidence I wasn't really feeling --the attitude of what ever happens I won't care I am a beautiful, desirable, self assured woman-- and it seemed to help for me as he responded to that in a big way.
Loving him and missing him tonight, but I won't call as I think he needs to miss me more... Am I crazy to love this man so much?? :confused:

I don't know if I'd say crazy, but I do think you choose to see what you want to see and ignore the rest. I hope your instincts about this guy are right, because in my world, being "private" and not saying the emotional stuff are not positive qualities but big red flags!

Am I crazy to love this man so much?? :confused:

I don't know, Lily, but there are many, many women who have passed through this site with similar stories to yours.

The bottom line is this. If you've been sleeping with a man for a year and you don't know where you stand with him something is seriously wrong with the scenario, period. The cart has gotten way in front of the horse in this case.

You need to sort it out once and for all. And a romantic evening together is nice, but really, what does it mean in the bigger scheme of things?

Well eleven months yes but not every day, I could see if that was the case it is maybe a friday night maybe a saturday night, and not every one. Only the last three months has it been every friday night and just this month every friday and saturday night and saturday day and sunday day.. so not a lot of days when you add them all together.. But point taken I will think about it.
Could be blinded by my own needs, hope not.

The two best lovers I ever had were with guys who I was madly in love with and they were ambivilent about me and the relationship. I was with both of these guys for at least two years each and saw them REGULARLY...meaning twice a week or more when it was good but then twice a month or less when they were on the fence. Guys who are not sure can be EXCELLENT lovers. It's all they have to give. They develop the love-making skills to keep women on the string. They KNOW they can't give you anything other than great sex. It's a skill they craft to keep you around when the rest of their relationship-style is about throwing out crumbs. Don't invest any more of your heart. Step back. ENJOY the sex but never forget that sex is sex and love is love and ***sometimes*** the two are one---The jury is still out. Restrain yourself.

....I also truly don't know if he is a jerk yet- jury is still out on that, I have a lot of faith that he is not...
Loving him and missing him tonight, but I won't call as I think he needs to miss me more... Am I crazy to love this man so much?? :confused:

Yes, you are. :eek: It will not last. Try to just enjoy the sex because that's the best he has to offer.

The reason I sound so confident is because you describe a man with some kind of personality disorder or depression or something. I'm not sure what, and I'm certainly not a doctor, but he does not sound "right" upstairs.

I happen to be a fairly introverted person, am often anti-social, and I think I can recognize telltale "weirdo" characteristics in other men:

* Inability to maintain eye contact
* Limp handshake
* Extreme inarticulateness/silence, ie. total inability to engage in "small talk" or "chitchat."
* Failure to initiate or respond to standard social greetings like "Hello!" or "How are you?" or "Thank you."

The last item is something that raises red flags to me, because it indicates a lack of basic socialization or a refusal to act socialized. The first hints at a troubled or dysfunctional upbringing in some way; the other is passive aggressive hostility, ie. anger lurking underneath.

I'm sorry to sound negative, but... your description of him does not sound healthy. I would guess that his problems helped wreck his relationship with the mother of his kids, and that his problems also get in the way of relating to women his own age.

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Thought I would give an update. I am totally confused about men, and have decided I just don't get them at all.... I had completely given up on my YM this week, thanks for everyone's great advice- it really helped me... I decided no matter what I was going to stand up for myself and be very staright about what I wanted and also not worry so much about whats going on in his head-- as that was part of my problem in some ways I have been completely worried about what he was thinking and feeling about me and not hearing it from him was driving me crazy. I finally saw my YM last night, and was reminded about all the things that have made me fall in love with him so much. His personality, he is very quiet much like myself, occasionally warms up and says things, but keeps to himself. He flirts just enough with his eyes, to make you melt as he is very handsome, and very expressive when he looks at me. He also is very private, which I appreciate as I don't like people I know knowing all my business, I think you should be choosy with who you share the deepest parts of you with..Finally, he does not say the emotional stuff, but he delivers in what he does..
Anyway, he made love to me passionately last night like he hasn't in months, and I was pretty blown off the map, wasn't expecting that from him. I remembered what strwberries said though that he may not be in love he may just be making love to a friend he loves, though it seemed much more than that just from the way he connected with me, it was very emotional and whole hearted as well as his touches were very loving and tender unlike how it has been. He held me in his arms first, for a long time, and I would have been content to lie there forever it felt so right just talking and cuddling and listening to each others hearts. I know at moments like that, that I am not just lusting after him, I genuinely feel a sense of peace and communion I have never had with anyone else and I know he feels that too, I just see the tension melt off his face, and feel him relax completely as we are together..
I am trying to be smart everyone so don't be disgusted with me, I really am still keeping my mind open to the possibility that I truly should just take this at face value, and I could very well be being used by him. But-- I am very much in love with him, and he knows it, and he is very kind sometimes-- not that I have gone on about that in my postings; but I do know his heart fairly well, and it is a really good and honest one. I do not believe he is capable of deceiving me, about what is in his heart when he makes love to me or talks with me. I also truly don't know if he is a jerk yet- jury is still out on that, I have a lot of faith that he is not... I feel in my heart he is not, but I love him so I am probably more forgiving than I should be..
I am encouraged right now, but I promise I will keep my eyes open and try to be honest with myself. We talked some about the relationship, he said he is committed but not to sure about what, I did not push him on that- it sounded postiive. I really tried not to get terribly heavy with him this week-end as I wanted to see how his actions would be if I acted differently-I somehow tapped into some confidence I wasn't really feeling --the attitude of what ever happens I won't care I am a beautiful, desirable, self assured woman-- and it seemed to help for me as he responded to that in a big way.
Loving him and missing him tonight, but I won't call as I think he needs to miss me more... Am I crazy to love this man so much?? :confused:

I don't know how to say this... Been there, done that. I could have written most of the things you've just written above - I did write some of them. It took me so long to admit I was dealing with an abusive jerk. So long to accept I was being abused by someone that much younger. It's hard to say from a few posts but using you for sex is abusive. I think he has been quite clear (but not clear enough not to loose his "benefits") that he's not interested in anything else, especially with the age-gap. Witholding the only thing that keeps together to have you better under control, is abusive. But I chances are you will defend him until you realise how much this all hurts you and your self-esteem.

What I found out was that all this confusion and love-addiction I was in with my ex-fwb-vym was only keeping me from looking deeper at what MY problem was. Why I kept going for unavailable, commitment phobic, and in his case abusive, men (I thought I knew. I thought this time it was different - it was: he was worse. I thought the age-gap was the problem -- it was only the tip of the iceberg). I've done a lot of introspection since then but am far from being healed. I think that posting on here may be your first step. You are feeling there is something wrong and trying to find out. And you are getting a lot of good advice.

Take your time - you can't rush those things unfortunately. Whenever you are having doubts again, do come back to this thread and do read back the answers telling you to be careful. ((((((((((((Lily42)))))))))))))

Guys who are not sure can be EXCELLENT lovers. It's all they have to give. They develop the love-making skills to keep women on the string. They KNOW they can't give you anything other than great sex. It's a skill they craft to keep you around when the rest of their relationship-style is about throwing out crumbs.

Excellent perspective; excellent point. It puts a more realistic spin on the great sex! See I am of the opinion that its what happens outside the sheets that is more telling about a relationship, and when you have that, the sex will be great anyway.

Thanks all.. Not what I wanted to hear, but maybe what I needed to hear - will keep you posted.