Men Who Cry

To all the OW: Is there something wrong with a man who cries? Can he cry too much or not enough? In your opinion, what do you think justifies a good time/place for him to cry?

I ask because I want to hear what the OW have to say about men who cry. It never fails me whenever I talk to a YW, that she gives me the line that "Real men don't cry. Real men don't get sad or angry." OW, do real men not cry at all, or do they?

Some of the "manliest" men I know cry! I think it shows that they are emotionally healthy.

"Real Men" are secure enough to express their feelings, without either hostility or repression. men that are vulnerable are sexy, men that are weak are not. there's a distinction there. vulnerable means they can (and will) open up and let you see their hopes, fears, desires, and sadness, if need be. it's a sign of trust and confidence between two people to be able to truely express their emotions and feelings.

on the other hand, i've met a few guys in life that are just whiney, snivelling little cry babies. that's definitely not-sexy. some even learn (as women are often accused of) to use it to get attention. i would not want anything to do with a weak man that broke down and ran for cover every time he was faced with adversity.

i believe a man can be both strong AND compassionate, reliable and vulnerable.

and i agree with Polly too. it's healthy. anybody that takes that social stigma "men don't have feelings" crap to heart is just going to be repressed and miserable. men are people too.

-j

(early morning semi-conscious post disclaimer)

Real men do cry. Real men get sad and angry. Real men do not hide their emotions. Real men are not afraid to show what they are feeling whether its sadess or joy...or love.

Stay far away from a woman who thinks you shouldn't cry. She is the unhealthy one and will break your heart.

A good place to cry is any time he needs to. My husband cries at sad movies, at touching moments in a movie or on TV, when he had to put his beloved pets to sleep, when we argue, when we make up...when he looks into my eyes and tells me how much he loves me.

Tears don't lie for the are the mirror of the heart.

Peace,
Bear's Angel

I once had a good friend visit me for the weekend. The strong silent type. When he got into his car to drive away, I could see him brush a tear from his cheek. I'll never forget that.

I wonder if that girl who told you that real men don't cry realizes that she sounds like a jerk.

Men have emotions. In fact, in my experience, men that bottle them up and refuse to show them are dangerous to be around.

So yeah, real men can cry, and laugh and be serious and any of the other million emotions that normal humans have.

All men cry...It's the man that cries in front of a woman that steals my heart.

My roommate is dating a man with a 10 yr old son. The son, C., has been under a lot of pressure lately and began to cry in class. When a friend asked him why he was crying, he lied and said that his grandmother had died. It got back to his dad & my roommate. They then had a conversation about why it's okay to cry...what made him worry about crying in front of others. I think that we as a society tend to teach our boys that crying is "unmanly". Actually it just shows humanity. I'm glad my roommate is teaching her future son that crying is not something to be ashamed of, particularly when life is tough.

"In my case I feel something in the chest and my throat becomes full of saliva. The eyes ... a bit glossy ..."

That would be wanting to cry - in my book.

Everybody does it when they hurt.

But we usually hide it from everyone except very trusted people.

If a man cries in front of me, it shows me that I am one of the people he really, really trusts.

That's pretty wonderful.

I'm past thinking a man can protect me from everything - which is the hope of women who don't wanna see men cry.

It's a tempting thought, but it's impossible.

And there's a real cost to men who don't let themselves feel scared or vulnerable or inadequate

How can you really laugh and be happy if you can't let the occaisonal tear trickle down the side of your face?

Is there something wrong with a man who cries? .....


well....as long as he's not crying because I'm naked in front of him:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:


but really,crying is a good thing,if he doesn't do it all the time.my husband cries in front of me,esp. when one of our animals is having to leave us..(going to be put to sleep) I guess the fact that at those times I am an emotional wreck doesn't help.

I was with a guy for 6 years one time that I NEVER saw cry once,until the end when I left him...I asked him what was wrong with him and didn't anything ever make him cry...he said he couldn't cry:( .well I guess in the long run he found out he could.

My y/m once said to me that he didn't know what it was about me, but I was the only person he could ever cry to .. I call it trust.

Crying is no more gender specific than laughing is .. if it were only acceptable for men to laugh, the world would be a miserable place and I'd be spending alot of time laughing into my pillow so no one would hear me.

I don't think it's healthy to surpress a genuine emotion, male or female.

A man who can't cry is stuffing his feelings down.

He's usually a man who only allows himself two emotions: anger and happiness. So, when he's feeling hurt or confused or sad and doesn't allow himself to express those emotions by crying at that moment, it doesn't mean the feelings have gone away. Many times the pain he stuffed will re-emerge as anger when those repressed feelings come out sideways.

A guy like this can be like a ticking time bomb who can explode at unexpected or inappropriate moments. Some of them even commit terrible acts. You hear about some of these men on the news. They're the ones who were "such nice, quiet guys" but who "went off" and beat or killed their wives in a sudden, violent fit of anger (or shot up their schools, or workplaces or whatever).

A man who doesn't release his emotions in a healthy way can also turn those feelings in on himself causing terrible harm, physically and/or emotionally.
Guys like this can be setting themselves up for high blood pressure, migraines, strokes, heart attacks, chronic depression, suicide... a whole host of physical and mental responses to the stress of constant repression of his true feelings.

A man who can't cry needs help.

Conversely, a man who's able to release his hurt in tears will heal much more quickly. The benefit that's gained in crying is not just emotional, it's also physiological. In the short term, the body releases endorphins when you cry, that actually make you feel better once you're done. In the long term, the relief you feel from not having to carry the burdon of all that pain can be immeasurable.

Healing won't truly begin till the pain is dealt with. Stuffing the pain is not dealing with it, it's only avoiding it for now.

~Val

My second oldest daughter got married in August to a guy who jokes around a lot and doesn't like showing his feelings. I remember very clearly his lip quivering and a tear or two in his eye as they exchanged vows. It took my breath away! When their beloved rottweiller was struck and killed by a car, I saw those tears again, he is my favorite son-in-law.

Thank you, OW (and the brave YM who also responded to my original post).

If I ever get emotional in front of a woman, she should take it as a compliment. It means I feel comfortable enough in front of her that I can release my emotions without fearing that she'll judge me and accuse me of not being a real man. Unfortunately, I've had a lot of bad experiences in this department: Many women -- most of them the younger variety -- have scoffed at the idea of men crying, for whatever reason.

I guess I'll know my true soulmate by one method -- whether or not I feel comfortable enough to cry in front of her. And she'll still consider me manly!

:) I am a man, and I cry. I usually pick my company in which to do so, but I am not afraid to show my emotions. And if anyone dares say that they think it weird in my presence, I will assert that this is just me, take it or leave it. I am a very emotional person, I can be angry, happy, sad, or depressed from day to day----Hell, I'm human!!!!! I don't go around crying about everything, though. Just when it comes, it comes!!!!! I think men in our culture have been done a great disservice by the popular old school, old guard belief that real men don't cry. It still gets taught to young boys in our culture, even though I think that we are beginning to realize that this is wrong. I am in a men's group, and I see men work on their issues. Some men I have seen find their tears after years of never being able to cry. They have finally let the tears out, and reconnected with themselves. It's a tragedy when a man is all bottled up inside. Typically, these men are living in fear of what will happen should they let all of these things out. They have been told that there emotions are scary, unappropriate, and so they don't trust that their emotions will be validated by anyone. *Whooof* sorry I got off on a tangent there, but I think men need a little more encouragement societally to cry, when they need to.

The times I've felt most connected to my ym have been when he has allowed himself to cry with me when things have been tough in our relationship. Those times have shown me that we are on the same page, so to speak, and that we do really love each other even though crap may be swirling around us clouding the issue.
Men who cry are more in touch with their emotions....doesn't that seem to translate into being better lovers too? Seems so :D

Well my OM is going through a lot of rough times right now. I've heard, seen and sat by his side when he cries. Not only is it reassuring, but it's amazing to know someone who isn't afraid to show his true feelings.

I am also very touched that he can show and talk about these kinds of emotions with me. It makes me feel like he is being his true self with me. This also makes it easier for me to be me around him.

I dont have a clue where that old saying got started awhi, about a real man not crying, but its alotta crap!!

Tears are any human's response to a variety of things - from sadness to anger to happiness. Sadness at losing a loved one, whether it be a relative/ friend or beloved pet. Anger or frustration at oneself or someone else when things dont go as we think they should. And happiness at the birth of a child and again at the graduation of that same child and many times in between (some of those tears in between can be from heartache too :) ). Oh, and thats another one - broken hearts definitely cause tears.

And I know I'll probably catch it for saying this, but I've said it before - that its one of the many good things I find in ym, that they can and do cry in front of us. It lets us know they are indeed, human. Not that men my age cant cry, I just dont think they let themselves. And yeah, when crying is used as "blackmail"whether its by men or women - thats too much lol.

Southerngal

Honestly, I think I know how the phrase "real men don't cry" got started. Or, at least I know why it's still in existence. I know some people will be angry at me for saying this, but...

It's the younger women!

I've never heard an OW tell me that. As you all have eloquently put it, you've said the exact opposite. But just about every YW (ie, girl my age) has told me that they're turned off by men who express their emotions. It seems like they want the rough 'n' tough bad boys who don't get in touch with their inner self (looking back, I think that's one of the things that turned me off from YW in the first place).

There's just so much I want to talk about. So much I want to explore. I want to expand my knowledge and understanding of the world. I want the world to know who I am and what I want to be. That does involve some emotional expression. And I love the fact that you OW will not pass judgement on me because I or any YM might feel certain ways.

I just want to thank you OW for that. That you don't judge us and accuse us YM for not being "real" men when we cry or get emotional means a WHOLE lot.

I'm sad to say that is probably is most YW's opinions of men...that they shouldn't cry. I don't feel that way, but it's sad to know that most YW do....grr

There's nothing that touches my heart about a man more than when he lets me see his heart. I have had the distinct displeasure of being married to a "real man" who never seemed to have any feelings and couldn't cry if his life depended on it. This summer, I had the amazing experience of wiping the tears of a wonderful young man away with my finger. I still remember the feeling and always will.

Originally posted by awhi

It's the younger women!


do you really think so? i'm not so sure. i have the same attitudes towards it that i have all my life, so far as i can recall, and friends that have always been "men don't cry" types still are now.

i'm inclined to think it's more individual. i think family attitudes one grows up with, regional social attitudes, and exposure to it (maybe a girl's only experience so far was with one of the aforemented cry-baby attention types) probably is more responsible than age by itself.

it could also be age related, but in a generational sense. the present group of older women are coming from the 50s, 60s and (for the younger batch like myself) 70s, where attitudes were much much different than the whole bitter and cynical Gen-X thing we have going now. also, on the flip side, anybody from the pre-counter-culture era probably comes from an even more sexist age where both men and women were far more oppressed by their specified gender roles. go ask your grandparents their options and you'll see.

maybe i'm just seeing things through my own narrow field of vision, but that's what i've gleaned from my own observations.

-j

I think all men cry. Real men cry in front of you and show their emotions. Other men cry when no one else is around so no one will see them. :)

Could it be the movie media!? Dont you feel it can portray men as the strong 'men don't cry type', it also goes vice versa, but that's rare. IMHO

Well after standing outside her house for an hour in zero temps, I would say you would have no feeling anywhere in your body. But I'm sure once you got inside all feelings returned. :)

I agree with you that emotions are variable. Some people cry when they are happy and some when sad and some laugh not only in glee but at stressful times out of embarrassment or fear. I think the point is not that you do or don't cry but that you express your emotions - in whatever is your own way.

It's obvious from your posts that you are a man of feelings, Al. :) And hardly average.


p.s. Yes, tears are a visible symbol. And they don't lie. Have you ever noticed on true crime programs when a person who is guilty of murder or some other horrendous act pretends to cry? Usually no tears. Lots of boo hoo'ing but no tears.

I don't think if a man doesn't cry that he's not as feeling as a man that does. I think the point is that a man who cries can be just as manly (whatever the heck that means ;) as a man that doesn't.

Some men can speak volumes with just a look or a word. And some men can use tears just the way some women do, as a passive-aggressive thing to manipulate.

So I think it just depends. But when I see tears, I don't automatically think "Wimp". I think that was the upshot of the original post.

So Al 1968, I think you are probably just as feeling as anyone else, just judging by how thoughtful your posts seem to be. :) It's as okay not to cry as it is to cry, IMO.

Well Put :D

EMCAD80, please don't take personally my "it's the YW" comment. I'm afraid all I have to go on is my personal experience -- not exactly the best experience or the best kind of measuring stick.

Jaye, perhaps you're right in the comment that the women who believe real men don't cry now will always believe that. My 5th anniversary high school reunion is next year, so I'll see if any of the girls from my class have changed.

I notice that when I do get emotional, I don't always cry. I can express it and people usually seem to notice if I'm sad, angry, depressed, etc. I feel comfortable with OW because they seem to have an aura about them that makes me feel comfortable. Perhaps it's because they're not trying to force any emotions (like a confession) out of me. They just kind of let things flow on their own.

And EMCAD80, I'm glad you're posting on the OW/YM side of the website. Your comments speak great volumes, and thank you for opening up and telling us about yourself.

There is Nothing wrong with a man who cries.

I tend to worry if they don't. I saw my first husband cry once when he grandmother died.

My dad cried from physical pain twice in my life that I have seen and ONCE from emotional pain when my mom died.

I prefer to date a man who can cry and who will cry. Humans cry. If you cry you are human.

Originally posted by Al 1968
There is Nothing wrong with a man who does not cry.

I tend to worry if they do too much.

I prefer to not date a man who can cry and who will cry. I AM A MAN AND I DATE WOMEN! :)

Excuse me Nessa for this copy and paste ... but I am lazy today ...

Al,

you are right there is NOTHING wrong with a man who does not cry.

There is also nothing wrong with a man who has a muscular chest but I won't date him either.

ah but Al do you have American Thighs???? and a bit of a tummy? I want SMUSH!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh Al, sorry language barrier


smush fat or flabby. I like SOFT.

those aren't strawberries they are ladybugs.

you mean my weight?

I'm not THRILLED I'm so heavy but to be honest, I'm living with it and finding many men like it so I don't sweat it anymore.

If woman can cry, so can men.