I Really Love My Kid

Okay, of course I love all of my kids but I need to mention my 18 year old son.

That whole thread that's turned into spanking vs. other forms of discipline or whatever has been on my mind all week. I've just gotten to a point where I decided to avoid the thread because, while I believe I've raised my children very, very well, it does get a little frustrating when others say I've done it wrong because I believe in spankings, etc. Maybe it's wrong of me to have self doubts when other people say "you've done it all wrong!" but *shrugs* that's just the way I am. This doesn't really factor into this post very much except to let you all know what mode my brain was in when the following happened. Anyway. On to my son and why I started this thread:

My son is 18 and is, naturally, sprouting some wings but he *is* still a high school student and I am still his primary care giver. It's a weird balance. 18. Primary care giver. 18. Primary care giver. How much freedom do I allow? When do I pull in the reigns? And so on.

He's also the only teen guy in a house of adolescent/teen girls. So I've let him hang out with his friend at their houses for the bulk of the summer. The family he's been running with are very loving, fun people. And they've got a house full of boys - much more fun in my son's eyes! But they're NOT his family. They're not US.

I noticed a couple of weeks ago that, rather than encouraging my son to be engaged in his own family's activities, this other mom seemed to actually be pulling my son into her own fold and I got jealous/possessive/insert adjective of choice here. Plus I felt that she was encouraging him to let her wait on him hand and foot - I don't think this is a good lesson to be teaching an 18 year old young man but she and I are going to have to agree to disagree on that score. And, as I said before, this is MY son, regardless of what she thinks.

So I had my son come home last night. He was pretty crabby at me about it but he DID come home. Tonight he wanted to leave and said his friend was coming to pick him up (a tactic to stay at a friend's house over night - "Sorry Mom. Can't come home because 'J' won't drive me!"). I said, "I don't think so, son. I know you love being with the guys but your home is HERE, not there."

We didn't flat-out lose our tempers with each other but we both knew the other one was not happy. At all. I tried to explain where I was coming from but most of you probably know how it is when teenagers put on their "selective listening devices." It feels a lot like you're talking to yourself! He wasn't rude but I knew he was livid. I gave him the car keys along with instructions to be home at a specific time.

Flash forward to a couple of minutes ago. I just got a phone call from my son. He said, "You know, Mom, I was thinking while I was driving over to "J's" house and I was out of line. I know you love me and I shouldn't have treated you that way. I'm just calling to tell you I'm really sorry - that was not cool of me - and I want you to know that I love you."

*snif* :bighug:


edited to add: I meant to post this in chit chat! whoops!!

That whole thread that's turned into spanking vs. other forms of discipline or whatever has been on my mind all week. I've just gotten to a point where I decided to avoid the thread because, while I believe I've raised my children very, very well, it does get a little frustrating when others say I've done it wrong because I believe in spankings, etc. Maybe it's wrong of me to have self doubts when other people say "you've done it all wrong!" but *shrugs* that's just the way I am. This doesn't really factor into this post very much except to let you all know what mode my brain was in when the following happened. Anyway. On to my son and why I started this thread:



Kelley, just so you know, there are parents that do "everything" right, or try their best to do so, and they don't get the outcome they were hoping for with their children. And IF this happens someday to you with some of the younger ones, it may be temporary, it may be for years but it wasn't necessarily because you didn't do the best job possible.

I've struggled with my girls (who are now women) and I did a D*MN good job by them. And their lives and their relationship with me hasn't turned out to be remotely what I thought it might be, at least not yet.

That "other thread" may never resolve itself. I decided not to read it because I know I did my best and what is right for me as a parent may not have been right for others.

We do the best we can as parents by our children. And at times we probably do way more for them than we ever should. But in the end, if we feel we done everything we can to show them love, teach them how to handle responsibility and make good decisions, what else is there? For whether you believe in God or not, our children do NOT belong to us. They are simply entrusted to our care for 18 years until they can go out on their own.

That's wonderful!! Thanks for sharing that moment with us. I've been pushing my YM to keep in better touch with his mom. Like at least one phone call a week. I got her best kid, she raised him well and I don't want to be greedy with his company.

Lol. I think your post landed in the right section. Your relationship with your boy is the mother of all OW/YM relationships. This brings me to something I said in that thread about the toddler and the plane. I think most kids really want to please their parents and the trick is to match your parenting style to what works for your kids. You have obviously developed a very positive relationship with your son and it proves the point that it is not that you spanked/or didn't spank, but whatever you did he percieved as being out of love and a genuine desire to be there for him. Congratulations!!

And I can tell you this....it even gets better. My 25 year old son recently asked me for some advice pertaining to a breakup with a girlfriend. I gave it and he told me "Mom, you are absolutely brilliant!" :bgrin2:

Well Kel I have a 19 yo. I too have been the recipient of an apology from my own "angry young man" and it always helps to reassure me that I just might have reached him and not messed him up beyond belief. FWIW, I don't think you have done anything wrong by spanking and I know for 100% sure that there are many different ways to raise great kids. I'm sure you are doing just that! Don't let different parenting techniques make you question yourself. I have no doubt that you are doing the right thing for you and your family.

As my dear mother says... they grow up inspite of us ;). Its a good thing too I say!

I read the opening post on the edge of my chair. I thought sure the punchline was going to be that the son would confess he was in love with the friend's mother. :bgrin2: This place is starting to get to me.

Being the mother of 2 adult sons, married with their own families, I know how proud and pleased you are when they do something so sweet and mature. You gotta pat yourself on the back, breathe a sigh of relief and know you did at least somethings right.

Not only are my sons more frequently thanking me or asking me for advice, but they're now confessing to the old mysteries like who broke the cookie jar and glued it back together with one small piece missing, who used toenail clippers to clip the buttons off the TV remote control, who really made the long distance calls to Germany or those 1-900 numbers, or that it really wasn't a GM defect that caused my front bumper to just fall off as I was pulling out of the driveway.

Isn't it nice when they turn into real people you not only love because you gave birth to them, but really like them too?