Quick Question-

I know I don't post much, but I figured I'd throw this out there to see how others interpret it.

I've been with J. for about 3 1/2 years. I was just offered a position at another campus-a little more money, more responsiblity, more prestige. I asked him what he would think about moving there with me (same state, about 3 hours away)-he said he didn't want to, he didn't want to have to sell his house, didn't have a job.

Would others interpret this as:

1) he's not that serious about me
2) he doesn't want me to move
3) other (please specify)

I have a tendency to over-react at times so I'm trying to avoid it by seeing what others think

This is not meant to be flip but if I were you I would just ask him what that means instead of trying to guess. Communication is key.

Wished he would have just said yes!

What are your ages? And did you tell him about your job opportunity in a face-to-face situation? How long was the discussion? It sounds like you've only talked to him once so far.
Based on your first post, I am leaning towards:
3) other

So he owns his own house and he probably likes it a lot. What does he do now for work? Maybe he doesn't think that he can get a decent job at this other campus. So... if you're only going to be making a little more money, then he doesn't think that it's worth the hassle of him uprooting his life for your new job.

I have to admit that I love where I live now a lot and I don't know what my answer would be if my YM got offered a job somewhere else. If it were for only a little more money, then I frankly would be inclined to stay where I am. It takes a lot of time and work to sell a house and move all of my stuff, and all for his career. But it would be a series of discussions, not a quick no on my part. After three years, I love my YM a lot and do feel committed to him, but moving would be a huge deal to me. So I can understand why he might have first said no. But maybe you can do some research into decent jobs for him to look into in that area and also check out the real estate market for him. And I suppose, the two of you might float the idea of buying a place together. Do you own a house yourself?

I agree with Cindee. I think you need to just ask him. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say he doesn't want you to move and wants you to pass on the opportunity. He doesn't see the payback as worth the expense that you are both going to go through to relocate. I also think he might think you can do this as a LDR; on paper a 3 hour distance doesn't seem that far. In reality it will wear on you both.

thanks guys-miu was have the same number of years between us--i'm 52 he's 30.


we both own our own houses. I'm not sure i'd want to uproot if he wanted to move. he even mentioned that. and to be fair, i've always said that i love the job i have and the town I live in--and I know that the town where the other campus is suffers high unemployment rates, and apparently the word in his profession (electrician) is that electricians in central Pennsylvania have to travel east to find work.

i guess the thing that goes through my mind is--if he wouldn't even move with me, maybe he's not committed. Which is, really, why I wanted to hear what others would have to say-if other people interpret his reluctance the same way my 'insecure self' does....

How exactly did you phrase the news about the job offer? If you told him that you were in the process of thinking about the offer, maybe it was him being a man, and taking a mental shortcut to making a vote for hoping that you would not take it. I don't know what you mean by a small increase in salary, but it sounds like it wouldn't offset even your moving expenses. With both of you owning houses, it's a big move to undergo. And I can't think of that many men with a house that would tell a woman that he would move anywhere just to be with her for a job offer with a small salary increase. Probably there is a little male chauvinism going on too. My little sister didn't have a problem moving to California from Massachusetts when her photographer husband got a rare great job opportunity in his field. But his salary was doubled and my parents live out that way. And I don't think that they would have moved for her type of work as what she does isn't that specialized.

But anyway, I don't think that you should feel insecure in your relationship with him over him not wanting to move. Now is taking this job something that you really want to do? The other town doesn't sound all that nice to live in.

here's what I would ask myself: is a little more money worth more responsibility? the prestige is probably a moot point in the end if you're unhappy in a place where you don't know anyone anyway.

i would not uproot myself for "a little more money".....i would uproot myself for "a lot more money."

he doesn't want to move. i'd take it at face value. when i was in a LDR, my b/f suggested i move, but i didn't want to. very glad i didn't.

I agree with Kat. He probably just doesn't want to move, but I can understand how it can stir up worries in your head. But, you know, Catlover, if he were not committed to you, he wouldn't have remained in this relationship for 3 1/2 years. I'd say that's a pretty good sign he's committed to your relationship. :yes:

thanks guys-you helped me avoid over-reacting.

i also thought of something else (when i was tossing and turning instead of sleeping)....

i have remained very angry at my ex-husband for sitting around on his butt doing nothing and letting me support him. I've had plenty to say to J about the ex on this matter too.

i sent him a text message in the middle of the nite last nite telling him (the bf) that i really appreciate the fact that he wasn't willing to move and let me support him.