Baby Dilemma

Hello everyone ! For starters I am so glad I found this site. I just wanted to tell my story, hopefully a short version, but we'll see. I am 44 years old and the YM that I met in Feb/07 is 29 years old. I sit here tonite in front of the computer at a crossroad, feeling somewhat out of control, afraid and needing some support and loving advice. I hope that I can find that here.

I met my wonderful man of 29 in Feb/07. The very first time we talked there was an instant connection and we liked each other immediately. He has no reservations about my age and as a matter of fact he was the one who approached me. He is a very mature, wise, intelligent and loving man and I do love him with all my heart. During our first conversation I informed my YM that I was not having anymore children. Because of his age and not having any children of his own I felt that he needed to know this if he wanted to continue with me. At that time he accepted me and our new relationship knowing he would not have children with me.

The entire time that I have been with my YM there were nagging doubts about the baby decision he made when we initially met. I believed in my heart that he really hadn't searched his heart and thought long and hard about his decision to have no children with me. I knew that he made his decision rather quickly when he first met me. Finally about two months ago I could no longer keep these nagging doubts to myself and I raised the question again. Long story short I forced him to really search his heart and think hard about if having no children is what he wanted for his future. He took a few days to think about it and talk to some wise counsel and he now know that he wants to have children in his future.

Ok, so now what??? He wants children and has asked me if I could have one for him. At my age, I am not sure that I can or want to and honestly, even if I could do I really want to start over? I'm not young anymore and babies take so much work. In my heart of hearts I do not want to start over. We talked last nite and I said to him that he needs to make a final decision about what wants to do. I told him that I cannot continue to be in an intimate relationship when my future with him is unstable. To love him and at the same time, to carry around the fear losing him is too hard for me.

I know that I need to protect myself and I'm not sure how. I asked him if we should take a break from each other until he makes his final decision. I asked him if we should just remain friends until he makes his decision. How do you go from intimacy to friends when you love each other so intensely?? He doesn't want either of these things but he is kind enough to agree to anything that I need. So how do I do this? What do I do? My primary need right now is to protect myself from more pain down the road if he decides to end the relationship.

It's really a very painful and fearful place to be for me right now and I sure could use some support and advice. Thank you so much.

Welcome lovetolaugh! I can say that I sympathize with you as I've never wanted to have my own children. I have two nieces and that more than fulfills my mentoring needs (not that they listen to me). Do you come from a large family? Do you have nieces and nephews? And what about your YM?

You do have a tough decision to make. The scary one would be to break it off with your YM, and you've only been dating in for five months. Sometimes breakups early in the relationship are tougher because it's still in that overall honeymoon phase of perfection and infatuation and you haven't started noticing any faults that might later drive you crazy. lol

Other thoughts would be working out a compromise, such as if both of you would consider using a surrogate mother with his sperm and a donor egg (picking one from a woman who looks like you). But of course that can get expensive. Then there is always adoption to consider.

Does your YM have a good career? Would he be able to support you and a child comfortably?

I know that you've both been giving this a lot of thought already, and there is no one right answer to pick. I think (personally) that at 5-6 months, it's too soon to know if he's "the one" you will spend the rest of your days with. But take it as a compliment that he considers you worthy of being the mother of his child and the child will be a legacy of your love for each other.

If you are firm about not wanting children at all, then you need to cut him loose. But if there is a tiny little "maybe" inside of you about raising a child, then I would continue to date him until next February and have another serious think about how you feel about him and having a baby. I think that at 5-6 months it's a little soon to decide about a baby let alone marriage. Both are very serious life decisions.

Hello everyone ! For starters I am so glad I found this site. I just wanted to tell my story, hopefully a short version, but we'll see. I am 44 years old and the YM that I met in Feb/07 is 29 years old. I sit here tonite in front of the computer at a crossroad, feeling somewhat out of control, afraid and needing some support and loving advice. I hope that I can find that here.

I met my wonderful man of 29 in Feb/07. The very first time we talked there was an instant connection and we liked each other immediately. He has no reservations about my age and as a matter of fact he was the one who approached me. He is a very mature, wise, intelligent and loving man and I do love him with all my heart. During our first conversation I informed my YM that I was not having anymore children. Because of his age and not having any children of his own I felt that he needed to know this if he wanted to continue with me. At that time he accepted me and our new relationship knowing he would not have children with me.

The entire time that I have been with my YM there were nagging doubts about the baby decision he made when we initially met. I believed in my heart that he really hadn't searched his heart and thought long and hard about his decision to have no children with me. I knew that he made his decision rather quickly when he first met me. Finally about two months ago I could no longer keep these nagging doubts to myself and I raised the question again. Long story short I forced him to really search his heart and think hard about if having no children is what he wanted for his future. He took a few days to think about it and talk to some wise counsel and he now know that he wants to have children in his future.

Ok, so now what??? He wants children and has asked me if I could have one for him. At my age, I am not sure that I can or want to and honestly, even if I could do I really want to start over? I'm not young anymore and babies take so much work. In my heart of hearts I do not want to start over. We talked last nite and I said to him that he needs to make a final decision about what wants to do. I told him that I cannot continue to be in an intimate relationship when my future with him is unstable. To love him and at the same time, to carry around the fear losing him is too hard for me.

I know that I need to protect myself and I'm not sure how. I asked him if we should take a break from each other until he makes his final decision. I asked him if we should just remain friends until he makes his decision. How do you go from intimacy to friends when you love each other so intensely?? He doesn't want either of these things but he is kind enough to agree to anything that I need. So how do I do this? What do I do? My primary need right now is to protect myself from more pain down the road if he decides to end the relationship.

It's really a very painful and fearful place to be for me right now and I sure could use some support and advice. Thank you so much.


Well its a fairly new relationship but I can see why you would want to head off any future problems that might crop up.

I can see that you love him but two things will not change, he wants children. If he decides to "change" his mind over wanting children just because he doesnt want to lose you it will eventually make him resentful. And that desire for children will not go away. If anything it will intensify once his friends all start producing offspring of their own.

You dont want kids anymore. You are at a stage in your life where you have been there and done that. It would be starting over and you know it.

You pushed for your answer because you knew that eventually it would come up and you knew that if it did, you would say no to children and the relationship would end.

If it was me, I would cut the relationship off but only because I cant be with friends with someone who I am still in love with. For me it would be too hard and I would end up being friends with the hope that it would turn into something more. So I usually walk away but then thats me, you on the other hand would know how best to protect your heart.

Good luck

Ya know, I didn't want any more kids either. I told my YM that one of the reasons I agreed to date him was because he already had kids and I was done with the kid thing.

Now, turning 40 in September, I'm about to marry the 26 year old father of my 9 month old daughter this Sunday!

Never say never. You'd be amazed at what you can handle.

I think, even if it hadn't been an "accident" and he had asked me to have his baby, it wouldn't have been a deal breaker. I now think I would have - even though I thought I wouldn't. Of course, that's after having our beautiful daughter, but we made the decision to keep her, right?

Though, I do agree 5 months is a little soon to be having someone's baby, it is good that you decided to talk about the kid thing - I believe that is one of the few truly age gap situations that arise in AGRs.

I don't know if he decided not to have kids if he would resent you later, though. There are other YM here who have decided to stay with their OW and married them, knowing she's never having his kids. But, there is always the possibility.

One of my friends is NOT in an AGR and she had her first kid at 42.

Hi and I am sorry that you are hurting right now.
I do have a question for you though...Why are you asking him what he wants to do or how he wants to handle this???
You have made a tough decision and you should be the one to take care of how YOU want to handle it.
His decisions are his and if he told you that he does want a child "one day" then it is you who needs to decide what you are willing to do......not him.
Brightest Blessings and know that there are people who have "been there done that"!
You are, most definitely, not alone.
TD

I agree with TD.

You have the right to make your decision.

I "lost" my YM (28) because he wanted kids, and i didnt. I was 46 at the time and had never had children, and never wanted them.

He went on to meet another woman, have a child with her (her other child is grown and out of school), and then they broke up.

In the meantime, his ex-g/f is raising his baby. I dont know the situation, but i'm hoping she really, really wanted a baby and didnt do it just because it was something he wanted (shes 38).

I think only you truly know in your heart if you could raise another child, alone or with your YM.

Hi, and welcome :)

I can sympathize with you as I was somewhat in the same boat about a year ago. I really didnt want any more kids and I realized that it was more important to him than he originally had thought. In the beginning he always said..."if we have one, great, if we dont, thats ok, as long as I have you" Then what Strwbrries mentioned started happening...his friends at work were all having babies...everyone was a daddy except him. I have 4 children...one of them is still fairly young (9) and although my YM thought of all of mine as his own...it just wasn't the same. I could see his anguish when he would talk about the others guys kids...it was painful for me to watch.

My guy isn't the type that would ever bail out on me for such a reason, instead he would stay and be unfulfilled because he would want to honor his commitment. The thought of that happening...him sticking around and being unhappy...almost made ME end the relationship...and honestly, if I knew for sure I couldn't or wouldn't have kids....I think I would have done just that.

Instead, I agreed to attempting to get pregnant....I just turned 38..and we assume I am still capable as there are no signs or reasons to believe otherwise...so we are trying. Nothing yet, but its just been a few months.
If it turns out I can not have a baby....well...I really don't know what the next course of action will be.

If you are sure you dont want to, and or you cant.....as painful as it is, I think the best thing for both of you would be to end it. Which is hard for me to even type because it is clear you love him deeply....and I know it would be so incredibly painful for both of you...but it probably is the best decision.

hugs to you

Lissa

Its a huge issue and all I can suggest is that you keep talking about this. My YM says he doesn't want children right now. We all know things change; we change with time. I think couples need to decide what is negotiable, what is not negotiable and what you can leave to chance. For us, children is something we can leave out there; neither of us is closed to it (although I am too old to bear more children) and if and when he changes his mind, this issue will move into the negotiable category. If it is a non-negotiable issue for one or the other of you, then you are wise to deal with it now!

Now, that was absolutely no help, was it?

I want to add something on the flipside of all of this...

Me and my OM have had this discussion one too many times. We've been together about the same amount of time that you and your YM have been. Since January.

Although I think it's too soon to think about it, I had to dig deep and really find my feelings about this. He has pretty much made his mind up that he doesn't want to start over and have another child. He has 4 of his own and thinks he's "too old" to have another child. Along with, he's had a vasectomy.

We have actually called it quits a couple times already because of this, only to be brought back together. That's when I had to dig deep and figure out what it is I really want and how having children will affect my life, etc. He thinks I need to be with someone younger that can give me kids and that wants kids and even though it was the last thing he wanted to do, he said we needed to be friends, but we'd always end up right back in each other's arms again.

We both have horses, they consume a lot of our life and they are our true passion. They are like our kids. And even though I love kids and he loves kids, I dont know when I'll be willing to sacrifice my horses for children or if I ever will. One thing I do know for sure, is that our relationship is really strong and it's something that I dont want to lose.

My parents and sister have always teased me that I will never want to have kids, becuase I've always been the one to "love em them leave em" meaning with the kids. I like to have fun with them while they're around and then send them back to mommy and daddy.

So I recently told him that I didn't know if I ever wanted to have kids. I told him that I have dug deeply and thought about it and that's not something that's going to fit in my lifestyle. Of course, he came back and said "you are going to want kids, I know you will". I told him that I didn't know that for sure, so there is no way for him to know it. We haven't talked about it since then and that's been about 3 weeks ago.

Maybe that will change one day? I dont know. But I will deal with that when the times comes, if it ever does. I dont want to lose out on a chance at true happiness, because I dont know what the future holds.

I sure hope you get things figured out. Believe me, it was the worst time in my life when me and my OM split up for just a week about all of this. I didn't know what to do, other than to dig deep and find my true feelings.

Thank you all so much, you have been wonderfully sensitive and supportive. Your stories have been very helpful and now I know what I need to do.

I have to agree that it is too soon in the relationship to make a hard and fast decision whether to stay or leave because of the baby issue. Everything has a process and an order and I'm getting way ahead of myself with the baby thing. And Miu, yes there has always been a tiny "maybe" in my heart concerning having another baby. Although my reason and logic is always pushing that little "maybe" into the background. You know, changing diapers, awake with the tiny little gaffer all nite long, etc. etc. It's defintely a good idea to date at least until Feb/08 because my YM will be completing his master program and then we can take it from there.

Time is sometimes our best friend and I think we need more time to really know each other to consider marriage. One step at a time right! Yesterday I was paniced and fearful of the pain that could come but, hey life is not without its risks. And AMW2785, I too definitely do not want to lose out on a chance at true happiness, because I dont know what the future holds. Now I feel confident that I am able to take one step at a time and just enjoy the ride and be thankful for what I have now.

My YM even today is so very committed to me even knowing that we are at a crossroads. He always says we can work things out. Hopefully we can. I definitely would like to read more real stories about mothers over 45 and see how it worked out for them. The only thing I worry about is time is not our best friend if we do decide to marry and have babies. But I am not giving up on this YM just yet who is one great guy. The future has many wonderful surprises for us and so does God.

I am just so pleased that you are all so very nice. I will definitely keep you posted.

I'm 53....too old to have them and in many places too old to adopt. But the way I figure it, we will do whatever it takes when the time comes, if it comes. I remember feeling that a decision had to be made before we started a sexual relationship. Like I was going to get pregnant at 50...hah! Well, I think I actually have completed menopause and oddly, I just don't feel the pressure anymore to have this all figured out. That's what time together has given us....freedom from pressure, knowing that whatever happens, it will be good!

Thank you all so much, you have been wonderfully sensitive and supportive. Your stories have been very helpful and now I know what I need to do.

I have to agree that it is too soon in the relationship to make a hard and fast decision whether to stay or leave because of the baby issue. Everything has a process and an order and I'm getting way ahead of myself with the baby thing. And Miu, yes there has always been a tiny "maybe" in my heart concerning having another baby. Although my reason and logic is always pushing that little "maybe" into the background. You know, changing diapers, awake with the tiny little gaffer all nite long, etc. etc. It's defintely a good idea to date at least until Feb/08 because my YM will be completing his master program and then we can take it from there.

Time is sometimes our best friend and I think we need more time to really know each other to consider marriage. One step at a time right! Yesterday I was paniced and fearful of the pain that could come but, hey life is not without its risks. And AMW2785, I too definitely do not want to lose out on a chance at true happiness, because I dont know what the future holds. Now I feel confident that I am able to take one step at a time and just enjoy the ride and be thankful for what I have now.

My YM even today is so very committed to me even knowing that we are at a crossroads. He always says we can work things out. Hopefully we can. I definitely would like to read more real stories about mothers over 45 and see how it worked out for them. The only thing I worry about is time is not our best friend if we do decide to marry and have babies. But I am not giving up on this YM just yet who is one great guy. The future has many wonderful surprises for us and so does God.

I am just so pleased that you are all so very nice. I will definitely keep you posted.

LovetoLaugh,
Whatever you and your YM decide to do, please be mindful of your age, and consider all of the possible risks to your future baby. I am 46 and would not consider having a child now, due to the inherent risks involved.