heaven&hell at the same time..

Hi there everybody!

Lots of thanks for the reactions and the good advice I received the previous time I posted here which was about a month ago. I am Mistral of 45 and Nick is my VYM of 19. We met each other as co-workers. Last couple of months we have been drawn together more and more, Nick relentlessly pursued me and recently we took our relationship out of the work-place and started dating on our own private time. We got as close as a couple can get without actually having sex. Me coming out of a painful divorce and at a point where I was still sleeping with my ex-husband from time to time made it seem too
complicated. So I decided to take the Ageless-advice that I got the previous time; to break away from the intimacy with my ex. This was a month ago.

Last Friday Nick and I finished work and went to my place to chill out.
This was a first time into complete privacy for us and it worked out so well!!
Nick’s the kind of guy who’s able to put my restless mind at ease, easy-going, non-judgemental, fun loving... we talked for hours about all kinds of stuff, I cooked some dinner that we ate watching South Park and the Simpsons on tv. After that I gave him a full body massage on the floor of my living room.
We both had chills running up and down our spines. It was a hot summer evening and giving a good massage is just hard work, but it was a labour of love ;-) Still, there wasn’t any rush to go further and we watched a very very scary movie together, cuddled up on the couch. We forgot the time, we forgot everything, just being there together undisturbed was all we needed.
Nick let the last bus into town pass and he decided he’d stay the night.

I never for a moment put on any pressure, just let him decide what he wanted. He has expert timing!! Long story short, we ended up in bed together and I found out about his wonderfuly tender en sweet ways to make love. It was scary enough for me to go this far considering it has been years since I was in this place with somebody new, obviously.
He gave me his all as I did mine and afterwards we slept in each other’s arms only to wake up in the morning, smiling, and do it again.
So far it was heaven!!
The hell started when he left to be with his Mum the next morning.
The lonelyness!! The yearning!! The insecurity!!! I felt so very melancholic
and utterly happy at the same time. And since he has a week’s holiday this week, he wasn’t there at work for some reassurance. We have stayed in touch through text messaging. So now it has been 6 days since we’ve seen each other. The longest time ever since we met. Today finally we will meet again and I am totally nervous and truly madly deeply in love.

Should I tell him? Can I ask him to engage further, tell me what he wants from me? Or should I just go with the flow and let him lead the way?
I just don’t know what to do. Any advice is more then welcome!
All the best to y’all and lots of love and succes!!

Mistral

Hi Mistral . . and welcome. I'm not so good at this relationship thing, but I would think if you told him you loved him at this point it could scare him away. I pray that your ym is sincere in his feelings for you but I would recommend you protect your heart for now if possible, and just take things slow to see how this relationship develops.

I let my heart jump right into a relationship with my former ym and three years later I still don't have him. Yours may be a very different story but I'd go slow until you know his real intentions (as in any relationship - not just the AG ones).

Best of luck to you . . .

Mistral - It sounds like you are in the beginning of a very wonderful relationship! Congratulations! Try to be strong and not rush how it develops. The better the foundation you lay now will lead to a long happy life together. I agree with cindee that you should not tell him that you love him yet. See if you can wait for his declaration first. Also, when you are together, try to keep doing all that great stuff you've been doing with him, all the talking, hanging out, massages and cooking. Don't lose the friendship with the addition of the sex. Try to remember that guys love the chase, so don't chase him for a commitment too soon. There is no doubt in my mind that he likes you a lot.

Have you met his mother yet? Things that you need to consider is how to ease your relationship into the public eye and to his mother. What sort of town do you live in? Will eyebrows be raised if he moves in with you? What are his school and career plans?

Anyway congrats on the great beginnings, and slow and steady wins the race.

You know, about the only thing that I asked of my YM before we became intimate, was to not take the relationship lightly. I wasn't looking for marriage or a lifelong relationship, but I wasn't looking for a one night stand either. I don't think my YM would know how to take a relationship lightly, and I think I knew that before we crossed into a sexual relationship. At any rate, I understand wanting to know what it all means, but the truth is, he may not be able to tell you at this point.

This just brought back some old memories for me. About 5 years ago I was working at a university, happily divorced and dating guys my own age. One of the students there, who was about 15 years my junior, started hanging out with me and being overly friendly. Next he stepped it up a notch and started shamelessly flirting and becoming a bit crude and raunchy at times with sexual innuendo and leaving near pornographic pictures on computers I was responsible for in the lab where I worked. I put him off and did my best to ignore him.

He told me he thought I was refusing because of the age gap. He said he'd always been with older women because we were 1) always horny and great in bed and 2) weren't usually demanding of commitment. He just wanted to get laid and he assumed I felt the same way.

Finally he grabbed me in the parking lot one night and forced me to kiss him. Ugh! I don't handle things like this well and responded with disgust. I actually spit in the grass (he was a smoker - I am not) and threatened him with sexual harassment charges (thank God for parking lot surveillance cams).

He was furious and never spoke to me again. O happy day.

The reason why I mention this is because your YM sounds like the total opposite. My advice is: don't let anxiety creep in and get the guy nervous thinking you're going to turn clingy, whiny and demanding. I liked what Rozie said and it's not too late to say the same thing to your guy. Just tell him that the other night was wonderful but you are not the type to take intimacy lightly. You may not need a commitment right now but you need assurances that you're not being used.

But if he were just looking for some sexual experience with an older woman, I think he'd have shown his colors by now.

Hi Mistral . . and welcome. I'm not so good at this relationship thing, but I would think if you told him you loved him at this point it could scare him away. I pray that your ym is sincere in his feelings for you but I would recommend you protect your heart for now if possible, and just take things slow to see how this relationship develops.

I let my heart jump right into a relationship with my former ym and three years later I still don't have him. Yours may be a very different story but I'd go slow until you know his real intentions (as in any relationship - not just the AG ones).

Best of luck to you . . .

Your advise to not yet tell Nick the true depth of my feelings for him felt good to me and also to protect my heart. Making my myself too vulnerable just isn't right. Not because he's the kind of person that would exploit it, but just not right for me to be that way. I want to be strong.

I sincerely hope that you will find the way to have yr YM stand by you.

Loves,
Mistral

Hi Mistral . . and welcome. I'm not so good at this relationship thing, but I would think if you told him you loved him at this point it could scare him away. I pray that your ym is sincere in his feelings for you but I would recommend you protect your heart for now if possible, and just take things slow to see how this relationship develops.
Isn't it human nature that we want what we can't have? And that we cherish more that which we have to work hard to get?

Most of us in the beginning while dating, are enjoying the company of our s/o to be and there is also that physical attraction/crush/infatuation thing going on... but one should wait to declare your love to him until after he has shown that he really cares and has done a few romantic and considerate gestures. Being the best lover that you've ever had shouldn't trigger this response if you want to keep him. So only after he proves himself to be totally worthy to be the man of your dreams, only then should he be told that he is loved. And if you tell him too soon, he has no higher level to strive for.

And I am not advocating playing games with any man. I think that it's good to show our love and affection by our actions, waiting to make that first declaration of love to him should be at a special moment and many couples do look back to that first time. It's right up there with being proposed to. My YM still laughs at the memory of him announcing his love and seeing the startled look on my face. We joke that it's a good thing that I have a strong heart! And he does understand why I didn't tell him immediately that I loved him back, and that it was because I actually cared too much for him and was worried about the consequences of our being a couple.

So Mistral, just show your love for him by your actions and verbally let him know that you hope to be an important part of his life.

Cindee, Miu, Rozie& Baglady: Thanks sooooo much for your comments! They are tremendously helpfull. The best part is that Nick's sweetness and general good character apparently came across in my first post. Also the suggestion to keep the good stuff like the chatting, cooking, massages going really put my head where it should be instead of worrying too much....
Baglady, I am sorry you had to go through the experience of being harrassed by that guy in the parking-lot! That was creepy!! But you were one fierce lady to defend yrself the way you did and good for you!!

So, last night, finally after 6 long days without my sweetie, we met again.
This time the first time we were together at his place. When he came walking up to me to meet me my stomach turned and we were both quite nervous.
We went straight on to his appartment and it was just like last week all over again. Food and movies, massages and general fun and games. He showed me all his treasure, I felt right at home there with him. He's a lot like me in the way he keeps his house in a state of moderate chaos, I love that place.

I can feel that he needs to be free to make up his own mind about our relationship and that he's not ready yet to discuss about it with anybody.
I am sure his is not using me for the (s)experience, he's not the type of person that would do that. He's genuine. Truthfull. And shy.

Already heads turn when people see us passing together, but that's only because we are such a goodlooking couple, lol!! We live in a middle-sized town and I am a bit of a local celeb because of the many music performances I did over the years and also because of my work as a political campaigner.
Nick doesn't know any of this, but his Mum almost certainly has seen me perform. This should give me some credit with her.
I would love to meet his parents (divorced, both re-married, he's an only child) but Nick and I will be taking it slow. He's not ready to take on the public criticism that will undoubtedly be expressed towards him should he make his choice to be with me known to family, friends, co-workers...
I can feel he's in a mindset where he's first an foremost still puzzled at the fact he wants to choose me, and testing me.

Thanks to y'all for sharing this with me, it means so much....
Having Nick in my life has given me back my wings to fly, I was so very sad and broken hearted. He really lifts my spirit to a higher ground.

Have a good weekend!

Loves,
Mistral

We went straight on to his appartment and it was just like last week all over again. Food and movies, massages and general fun and games. He showed me all his treasure, I felt right at home there with him. He's a lot like me in the way he keeps his house in a state of moderate chaos, I love that place.
Awesome! Yeah just continue to be his best buddy and he will always choose your company first.

BTW my YM gets such a kick out of the way I like to do a lot of boy stuff with him, like work on cars and I'm trying to teach him how to play bass guitar. But... I also encourage him to go hang out with his friends. So what happens is that he finds his guy friends lacking in commonsense and general coolness, or they disappoint him in some other way, and he gets to hear the horror stories of his friends' relationships. And what happens is that my YM runs back to me, greatly preferring my company over theirs.

What's important in all of this is to never criticize his friends, and when he does, don't jump on the bandwagon but just say something neutral like sometimes the only way to learn is to make some mistakes. Always exude positive and optimistic energy. Remember, the glass is always half full and never half empty.

So don't be afraid to share your YM's company.

Look, sounds like things are great. Trust yourself, and DONT under any circumstances listen to any advice that advocates playing games or being manipulative. Use your common sense to avoid advice on this site that isn't sound!!!! One clue is any advice that tells you to "always" or "never"!

Be smart and be yourself and you should be fine!!!!

Lol@Miu.
Yr previous post just hits the nail right on the head. Nick and I just recently started seeing each other but already we are gaming on the net as a team and working on his Gilera Stalker, which is just about the coolest italian scooter on the planet of which I had one stolen from me.

As for his friends, I know their names but he doesn't talk about them much.
Not yet. Topics we like to go on about are useually on stuff like ancient Greek&Roman culture, tribalism, stuff we did when we were just a bunch of kids, fooling around, work and lifegoals, familyaffairs.. we're never short on subjectmatter.lol

Thanks for yr post.
Replace the glass for a cup of love and may it run over!! :)

So true!! I generally pick up the advice that adds a positive edge. Like Miu's to be Nick's best buddy. Because I truly want to be his best friend, I want him to bond with me on any level we can reach. But not to the exclusion of others! I just want him to feel loved and fulfilled.

Still, I think it's good practice to be critical of the quality of any advise offered under all circumstances, not just on Ageless :)

Good morning, Mistral. I'm not in a good place to be offering some good, objective advice, but my first instinct still is to say protect your heart. You sound like a lovely, caring person. Be his friend, be his buddy, and let things grow over time.

I wish you the best.

Being in love is painfully wonderful isn't it? :p I would probably keep it bottled in until he fesses up. And just like you said, ask what he wants from you or out of a relationship and see what his response will be before you spill the beans. It is always nice to know how the other person feels about you before you let them know your feelings. It works for me.


The hell started when he left to be with his Mum the next morning.
The lonelyness!! The yearning!! The insecurity!!! I felt so very melancholic
and utterly happy at the same time. And since he has a week’s holiday this week, he wasn’t there at work for some reassurance. We have stayed in touch through text messaging. So now it has been 6 days since we’ve seen each other. The longest time ever since we met. Today finally we will meet again and I am totally nervous and truly madly deeply in love.

Should I tell him? Can I ask him to engage further, tell me what he wants from me? Or should I just go with the flow and let him lead the way?
I just don’t know what to do. Any advice is more then welcome!
All the best to y’all and lots of love and succes!!

Mistral

Mistral - It sounds like you are in the beginning of a very wonderful relationship! Congratulations! Try to be strong and not rush how it develops. The better the foundation you lay now will lead to a long happy life together.

Anyway congrats on the great beginnings, and slow and steady wins the race.

Yes yes yes to all that was said in this post! Congratulations on the beginnings of what sounds like it could be a wonderful relationship for you!

But the very best advice I can give you is to play it cool - just think how much fun it will be if everything works out to be talking about your first days as a couple and you can say, "Remember that first time you stayed over? I was miserable when you left!!" Somehow, it's so much sweeter when you look back a year later and say those things than when you say it as it's happening... :yes:

Hi Mistral,
Glad things are going well for you so far, I would just like to add my comments based on my own personal experience. I was really goods friends with my ym for about 3 years, we talked about all kinds of stuff, hung out together etc, then we crossed the line to become lovers and suddenly the wonderful friendship I had with him disappeared and over the next couple of years without realising it I found myself in a 'FWB' situation that I seemed to have no control over, and too late I had fallen in love with him.

So I would say to you just take things very slowly and keep it light, wish you good luck and I hope you can progress on to a wonderful relationship with him.

Having a wonderful time! We have been working 2gether, passing time 2gether after work, we have even been 2 gether 4 3 days at a stretch, work, home at his place. And still we're in to each other. Truly, madly, deeply.
Nick's holding back, the age-issue is bugging him bigtime. I'll allow it 4 a couple of weeks. When I asked him about it he said that he was fresh to my age & twas worth to him to be taken in to an asylum in 10 years.
We're 2gether like nobody else.
It;s just amazing.
So we talked about being in love, and we both confessed...we're not in love... not yet...
25 years is a big gap.

loves,

Mistral

I was in fact thinking of the advise i got, to wait for Nick to fess up be4 i tell how i truly feel about him, so when the topic came up and he told me he's not in love, i knew better then to say that i myself am in love... naaah!! i said i'm not in love either but that i'm crazy about him. which is actually the same but sounds a lot lighter, i guess. Action speaks louder then words, and he just can't get enough of me. Whenever I leave him he immedeatly starts to call me to know when i will be coming back to him. I KNOW his feelings, he DOES love me. It's the gap that's making him cautious. I intend to ease out this tension slowly by getting out in public 2gether and get some positive feedback from the outside world.

On the other hand he's getting more and more affectionate towards me and showing it by touching&kissing me more and more when we are alone 2gether.

i think we can make it work out but it has be taken veeeeeery slow...

Lots of love and succes to y'all and thanks soooo much for yr wise words and support.

loves,
Mistral