Desert Spring
07-19-2007, 01:55 PM
Yikes, I really don't know what to do. Somebody help me :>
I'm not going to recap the whole bloody story right now, but basically we were together for not quite 8 years with a 16 year age difference and broke up in April. He is 27 now, so you can do the math.
So anyway, short version: fairly agonizing breakup after a relationship that started off really wonderful and rich, and died a long slow painful death over the last few years after some stress and change. No one's fault really: we just grew apart and could no longer paper over some areas where we had some difficulty. Or perhaps we both just changed in some incompatible ways over the years. I'm still not entirely sure ...
Everybody hurt, but we tried not to hate each other and have more or less kept up uneasy communication through the whole thing - some of which has gone pretty well, helped and approached genuine friendship and some which has been strained and difficult - depends on the day in question, it seems. The frequency comes and goes - now we'll generally check in via phone or e-mail once every 7-10 days or so.
I am seeing someone else, and have been for about a month, but on a fairly casual basis. I like the new guy and he likes me, but he knows I'm rebound city and he has got a busy life so we're leaving it at FWB for now. The ex more or less knows that I'm seeing someone (he asked, I told him, I've always been a bad liar) and has told me that he isn't, himself.
So ... having set the situation up : here's what just happened and what I can't figure out how to deal with. A girlfriend of mine had a pressing need for a computer monitor (work crisis, old one burned out, insane panic, money crunch etc) and when she called all freaked out, it occurred to me that my ex had just replaced his and in the way that old monitors sit around in closets, it was probably available. Sent him a quick e-mail explaining the situation, he responded right away and said sure, why not, gets rid of the thing and since they know each other, I just gave her his contact info and then forgot about it. She mentioned to me last weekend that she had gone over and gotten it, so I sent over a friendly thanks e-mail.
I was a little surprised not to get a response, but figured it didn't really matter. It wasn't exactly a major content-rich letter after all, just a note. But last night, 5 days after I sent it, I came home to a voice mail message: it was a tremulous hi, followed by a not-quite-a-word strangled sound, followed by a click. I know what the mind can do, so I listened to it several times to make very sure that the shaky hi was him, but it is. Even the cat could tell :>
Now he's quiet, but he is articulate, so that sounded like pain. And I've been there and I remember what it sounds like. Nothing wrong with that - we all have dark nights of the soul and sometimes it doesn't mean that anything is different than it is, it just means you have feelings.
On the one hand, (the higher hand), I want to be there for someone I care about very much. I said I would be and I meant it, and I owe him that for the many years of happiness he gave me. But breakups are what they are and its only been a few months, and there is a lower hand too - that wants him to be miserable and sad without me, and will rather enjoy anything I get in that general direction ..... (I know, I'm a scum bucket, but thats how it is) - and that I'm a little too eager for payback time for the generous exposure to my emotional pain that I gave him in the 4-6 weeks after the breakup.
One thought that's fairly clear is that, in the end, maybe one has to find the courage to say more than "hi, graah, click" - and that for me to acknowledge what is in the end - incomplete - may not be worth it.
But it makes me feel like a **** to blow it off and part of my heart tells me that I know perfectly well he has a limited number of people he can really talk to and whether its "about us" or not (and who knows?), the important thing is to act like a compassionate being and a friend.
So I'm not happy ignoring it and I'm not happy acknowledging it - either - and I need to find a place I can live with.
I know the votes - lol - most likely will go in the direction of ignoring it, but how do you deal with the feeling that you're acting like a self-centered child and blowing off a dear friend who may need you?
I'm not going to recap the whole bloody story right now, but basically we were together for not quite 8 years with a 16 year age difference and broke up in April. He is 27 now, so you can do the math.
So anyway, short version: fairly agonizing breakup after a relationship that started off really wonderful and rich, and died a long slow painful death over the last few years after some stress and change. No one's fault really: we just grew apart and could no longer paper over some areas where we had some difficulty. Or perhaps we both just changed in some incompatible ways over the years. I'm still not entirely sure ...
Everybody hurt, but we tried not to hate each other and have more or less kept up uneasy communication through the whole thing - some of which has gone pretty well, helped and approached genuine friendship and some which has been strained and difficult - depends on the day in question, it seems. The frequency comes and goes - now we'll generally check in via phone or e-mail once every 7-10 days or so.
I am seeing someone else, and have been for about a month, but on a fairly casual basis. I like the new guy and he likes me, but he knows I'm rebound city and he has got a busy life so we're leaving it at FWB for now. The ex more or less knows that I'm seeing someone (he asked, I told him, I've always been a bad liar) and has told me that he isn't, himself.
So ... having set the situation up : here's what just happened and what I can't figure out how to deal with. A girlfriend of mine had a pressing need for a computer monitor (work crisis, old one burned out, insane panic, money crunch etc) and when she called all freaked out, it occurred to me that my ex had just replaced his and in the way that old monitors sit around in closets, it was probably available. Sent him a quick e-mail explaining the situation, he responded right away and said sure, why not, gets rid of the thing and since they know each other, I just gave her his contact info and then forgot about it. She mentioned to me last weekend that she had gone over and gotten it, so I sent over a friendly thanks e-mail.
I was a little surprised not to get a response, but figured it didn't really matter. It wasn't exactly a major content-rich letter after all, just a note. But last night, 5 days after I sent it, I came home to a voice mail message: it was a tremulous hi, followed by a not-quite-a-word strangled sound, followed by a click. I know what the mind can do, so I listened to it several times to make very sure that the shaky hi was him, but it is. Even the cat could tell :>
Now he's quiet, but he is articulate, so that sounded like pain. And I've been there and I remember what it sounds like. Nothing wrong with that - we all have dark nights of the soul and sometimes it doesn't mean that anything is different than it is, it just means you have feelings.
On the one hand, (the higher hand), I want to be there for someone I care about very much. I said I would be and I meant it, and I owe him that for the many years of happiness he gave me. But breakups are what they are and its only been a few months, and there is a lower hand too - that wants him to be miserable and sad without me, and will rather enjoy anything I get in that general direction ..... (I know, I'm a scum bucket, but thats how it is) - and that I'm a little too eager for payback time for the generous exposure to my emotional pain that I gave him in the 4-6 weeks after the breakup.
One thought that's fairly clear is that, in the end, maybe one has to find the courage to say more than "hi, graah, click" - and that for me to acknowledge what is in the end - incomplete - may not be worth it.
But it makes me feel like a **** to blow it off and part of my heart tells me that I know perfectly well he has a limited number of people he can really talk to and whether its "about us" or not (and who knows?), the important thing is to act like a compassionate being and a friend.
So I'm not happy ignoring it and I'm not happy acknowledging it - either - and I need to find a place I can live with.
I know the votes - lol - most likely will go in the direction of ignoring it, but how do you deal with the feeling that you're acting like a self-centered child and blowing off a dear friend who may need you?