ionedt 02-24-2003, 01:39 PM I am a widow with 3 sons ages 19,17,21. My husband died in a tragic accident accident a year and half ago.I met a man near my place where the accident appeared. (drowning) He also is a widow for 2 years,his wife of 40 years died of cancer. I am 44. He is 63. My children put up with it wanting me to be happyexcept my 17 year old he, says he is to old because he is going to die soon. My parents have heard about it and my sister monitors me and hates it. my brothers are ok. He is from a small town where we both know alot of people. We have been seeing each other for 6months. I stay with him as it is far away but Mt summer place is near his home. He wants to marry me. I am afraid I love him but am concerned at health issues that may arise I am wishy washy and he knows I am undeciced and tell him to go slow. He brings up marriage all the time. I haven't said anything to my parents about him since I first started dating him.. They will be negativeas they don't want me to go through it again.I was with my husband 28 years 23 of which were married. I haven't dated anyone else but feel so loved and happy most of the time we connect very well but am bothered by comments from others. I don't want to hurt anyone . How doI make up my mind .Normaly I am a very confident women.:confused: :confused: coments please!
samantha 02-24-2003, 01:59 PM welcome...
i'm in an 18 yr age-gap relationship also; i'm 27 and my guy is 45. there are women (and men) on this site that have been with their partners for many years, and may be able to offer you advice based on their years of experience, however what i can offer up to you is this: if you think you love this man, give the relationship time to progress, be true to YOURself and YOUR feelings, and try to tune out the people who may be offering negative advice around you. you've probably got enough to sort out in your mind without having to take in others' negative vibes (however well-intended they may be). there are tons of 'different' relationships out there that are happy and healthy -- if you think you've found a potential partner, go with it. if it's meant to be, the people around you will see soon enough that you and this person are happy with one another and stop being petty. of course there are valid concerns about health issues, but i still believe that if you truly connect with someone, you should continue the relationship, and find ways to 'safe guard' as best you can (ie is he in shape, does he take good care of his health, etc.). there are no guarantees in life; even just on this website there are so many stories of people who have lost loved ones of every age. give your heart and mind the time you need to gain confidence in the two of you -- you'll know what's right in time.
good luck and keep us posted.
Sam
oneofthoseguys 02-24-2003, 04:18 PM ionedt,
You sound like an amazing person, so I thought I'd put in my 2 cents.
You were with the same man 28 years. You raised three kids. You lost your husband to a terrible tragedy. I'd say you paid your dues above and beyond and if this is a chance for you to find happiness you ought not to pass on it.
We all came here with issues about the age gap in our relationships. I don't know how many people have left and decided that it was not the relationship for them, but I do see so many happy people here that are not having difficulty in knowing they are happy because they decided it was not a big enough issue to change their minds.
Now age gap aside, you alone have to decide if this is the man you want to be with. It's not really a matter of if he is going to be gone from your life too soon... Nothing is promised and we can be gone anytime, as you know.
As far as your family, I think they need to cut you some slack and realize that you need to be happy too. Maybe they are not going to accept it, maybe they will. The bottom line is, what would make you happy? Sorry if you let their selfishness dictate your future.
I only say this because you (and myself) are not exactly at an age where opportunity knocks so frequently. I dunno.. maybe that's my own biased opinion of MY life and how I see things.
You are not "going to hurt anyone". If they want to feel hurt because of their selfishness it's up to them, not your doing. Your actions don't control their feelings, they do. They are going to have to accept responsibility for their happiness, and you will have to do the same.
Good luck with this. I really mean that.
Happy4Me 02-25-2003, 02:01 PM Ionedt:
Understand that the negativity from your parents and child are soley out of concern for your emotional well being. Most people in this world focus on the negative aspects of anything they deem unconventional. I am certain that your child and parents watched with a heavy heart as you grieved for your husband. If they love you, they hurt when you hurt; they are only trying to shield you from what they see as a potentially painful future.
That being said, if you decide to commit yourself to this man, then do so without reservation; without secret or shame. Declare it and tell your parents, lovingly, that you understand that they are afraid for you. At the same time, ask them to see if they can take that same force of devotion to you and focus it on your happiness! Ask them not to focus so hard on the "tragic ending" that they forsee with your O/M companion, but to focus on how happy you are; how good he is to you; whether you are being treated well. Also let them know, as you have already painfully discovered, that ANYONE, regardless of their age, can be taken from you at any time; be he 35 or 85.
If you have truly discovered love with this man, then I wish you the very best of luck! I wish you the happiness that I have found in my relationship with someone 24 years my senior. I would not trade him for any man my age or ANY man on this planet, for that matter!
You may want to remember this philosophy in your relationship: "I believe in mind over matter. If I don't mind, then it really doesn't matter..."
Much love & luck
Happy4Me
AP:D
dmbdmo 03-13-2003, 07:50 AM The above posters already gave really great advice! I just wanted to offer my two cents....
If you have been fortunate enough to find the gift of love again in your life, you should be very grateful and cherish that love. None of us are promised a tomorrow (as you already know from your experience with your husband). All we have is the moment we are standing in today. In my opinion, it is a waste of time to fill today with anxiety over something you cannot control and something that may or may not happen.
I'm 30 and my husband is 57. I could slip into a deep depression (and have already in the past) if I filled my time worrying about what may happen in the future or about what everyone else thinks about our age gap. Instead, I choose to enjoy the relationship, enjoy the wonderful person that he is and being grateful for every special day we are fortunate enough to have together.
I wish you all the best.
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