He's officially gone . . I'm hurting

If you have followed my "suck it up" thread you know that I've been dating a ym (13 yr AG) for 3 years. Although he has many wonderful qualities, I have not been getting the attention I need or deserve. I was trying to get the courage to walk away and this morning things ended.

He showed up at my door unexpectedly with coffee in hand. He thinks he can just pop into my life whenever it is convenient for him and actually, this morning wasn't truly unexpected because he comes around every other Friday or so to get his needs met.

I had a frank discussion with him about what I need from this relationship and he started down the "I still have trouble with the age thing" line and HE said it was over. I know it's the right thing, and I wanted to have the strength to end it, but now he has done it for me.

I thought I was prepared, but damn it hurts like hell. I was supposed to be at work a half hour ago but called and let them know I would be late. I need to pull myself together. I have been bawling my eyes out. I know he doesn't deserve my love, but I do love him.

I know I am better off without him and that someday down the road a man will come along who will cherish me and want to be a more participatory part of my life. But right now it just hurts so much. I don't know what to do.

I will be okay . . sorry about going on and on . .time heals all wounds. I had to get this off my chest 'cuz I just can't verbalize it and keep my composure. This forum makes that easier. Thank you for listening.

{{{{{{{{{Cindee}}}}}}}}}}}}
I, for one, am proud of you. I think that it is fairly safe to promise you that, things really will get better and you will look back on this from a very different prespective after a little time passes.
Just do what you need to do for you and for as long as you need to.
Blessings, TD

I am so sorry. That stinks. Every day is supposed to get easier. I'm so glad you stood up for not only what you need, but what you deserve.

Thank you, Jodey. Your support means so much and I know you've been where I am. I guess I'd better go splash some cold water on my face and redo my mascara then get my butt to work.

I have a whole lot to offer and someday some lucky man is going to realize that. For now . . . my girlfriends, my children, and this site will be my support. Who needs men anyway?

Cindee,

Aww, I'm sorry, that this hurts like h*LL. We've all been there, sadly.

A big hug to you, dear heart, you made a choice and the choice was to love yourself as you should.

I'm so sorry Cindee. I know it feels soooo bad when it ends, even if you "know" it is going to. Like the others said, do what you need to do for yourself to help yourself feel better. We are all here for you, and we have all been where you are. There is a wonderful man in your future, but for now you are right...WHO NEEDS MEN???:p

Here's a big hug and lots of warm feelings for you.

I know this is difficult but as Tinydancer said, in time, you will look back on this look at it from a different perspective. That Ah Ha moment will strengthen your spirit and humble your heart, the lesson will be learned and when that new guy comes along you will recognize what real love is really about.

This old love won't even compare.
Hang in there...you missie will be ok. I believe in you.

Paris

I am sorry you had to go through that early this morning especially on a Friday. Sometimes we hold on to the things God himself is trying to tear apart so who is to say that your breakup is your blessing?

It will take time to heal I say call up your girlfriends and party this weekend! Who knows your soul mate could be across the room, drink in hand, staring at the beautiful person that you really are.

Thank you all for the wonderful support. I sooo need it at this point. I made it through the work day okay. I have some cooking and cleaning to keep my busy tonight as one of my daughters is coming home with some friends tomorrow. That should keep me occupied for a bit.

You, fellow AGRs, are a godsend. Words cannot express my gratitude.

Oh, and Kristen if you're reading this, I am so happy for you and Jeremy. You are one of the first people I noticed here because of your 13 keychain . . . the same age gap I had with my ym. You two are very lucky.

Thanks again.

Hey Cindee,
So sorry for you, I feel your pain... it is too bad that things had to end,it sounded like things weren't healthy-- I am glad though you have a good attitude. Someone will find you and appreciate everything you have to offer. Keep your head high you are well rid of him!! :)

Hi cindee, I'm sorry that it hurts. You know that you deserve much better and that special someone is out there waiting for you. Chin up and smile.

Big hugs,
miu

Thanks Lily and Miu. You are so kind. Just hope I don't run into him anywhere over the weekend. :eek:

Thanks Lily and Miu. You are so kind. Just hope I don't run into him anywhere over the weekend. :eek:
If you do... just walk up to him and... squeeze his butt and give him a wink.

I feel that he came over with coffee for his usual, you gave him the talk and he managed to tell it was over before you could. For some reason, it's a race with some people as to who gets to call it quits, as if that makes them a winner. It's childish and it counts for no points. The simple fact is that he wasn't good enough for you, and actually no woman should put up with a guy like that. And if you see him out with another woman, just feel pity for her.

Cindee, the first few days after a breakup are the hardest, and then it will ease up significantly.

I am astonished that how 'clever' your ym is by calling it quits before you did, just to hurt you and be a 'winner'. Well, this says a whole lot about his character, and you don't really need this.

A man, when truly in love, will try to 'understand' why his 'woman' is leaving him and will almost beg and plead to win her back. He doesn't seem to be this sort of man. He looks like he is more interested in his own egoistic trip.

You gave this relationship 3 years of your life, and this is a whole lot at our age.

If he comes back (and they all do), please try to 'listen' and then say that you had outgrown this sort of relationship and that you need more, but that you loved him while it lasted. This should boost his ego a little.

My suggestion is that you start meeting people online and see if anything will materialize; but please go slowly this time.

I wish you all the best of luck

Ahh Miu . . you gave me my first smile of the day! Thank you! Wish I had the guts to do as you say, but if he's with someone else, maybe it'll inspire me! :EvilLaugh:

Buttercup I hope you're right about it getting easier after the first few days. I think I'm all out of tears for the moment.

I'm exhausted . . time to call it a night I think.

{{{{HUGS!!!}}}}} Hang in there... it is not just about the loss of him but the loss of what could have been. I admire you for not settling.

I have no words of wisdom or any advice.

But I have as many of :bighug:these as you would like.

Just wanted to post to let you know there are many of us reading your threads and thinking of you, even if we don't all post.

Cindee, you hang on in there!! You truly are better off without him, even though you're hurting now. Release yrself, break free!!
Not having to feel underappreciated will duly compensate your grief, imho.
Throw away any stuff of his you have in your house.

Clearly my previous remark in reply to yr posting on another thread that I was hoping you would find a way to work it out with this YM, was overrun by reality.

Hugs!

Mistral

Cindee, I know that at this time no words can really make things better as if by magic, but looking at things with a positive perspective, at least you are not wasting your time with a shallow person that lets age prevent him from realizing what a wonderful woman you are.

Time heals all. Be strong! :bighug: Big Hug

Y'all are so sweet . . and your hugs comfort me. Thank you!

Ya know, Sheila, my friends tell me that he is just using the "age thing" as an excuse. He told me yesterday that sometimes we get funny looks when we are in public together. I don't notice, but then I (the person who used to care so much about what others thought) stopped noticing other people. I just felt that he was too important to me to need other's approval . . especially that of strangers. If they have a problem, it's THEIR problem. He and I are consenting adults with no committment to anyone else.

Quite honestly I have been mistaken for being in my late thirties (I'm 48, never smoked, not a sun worshiper) and he has been mistaken for being 40 (35 but works outside most of the time).

So the start of another day and I'm breathing . . and just a little pissed about the whole thing. For now, that's better than letting the tender memories come visit me. I will deal with that another day. I will have lots of people around me today so that should help keep me occupied.

Love you all . . .

cindee

Be Pissed!! You have reason to be, and it beats crying. :) Like Sheila said, he was too shallow to realize your true worth.

Cindee, I'm reading along and just checking in to see how you're doing. I'm glad you're a little pissed - you should be!

True story: I dated a guy shortly before I met my Tim. He wasn't that much younger than I am (literally, just a couple of years younger) but he really had a hang up about the fact that I was older. I let him go, felt kind of sick about it and then, six months later, I met Tim. Funny thing is, several months after that, we reconnected with that guy and he ate some serious crow when he found out that, not only was I off the market but I was taken by a man nearly 16 years younger than I am who has NO issues about our age gap whatsoever!

Thank you, In and Mrs. H. Oh, wouldn't I love just to be taken with a ym who had no problem with the gap.

Yesterday I was out with friends and family all day which was good, but last night was tough 'cuz I was alone and thinking of him. I was turning down the bed and wanted so much to be held by him. Anyway . . . gotta get my mind off of that!

When Sam arrived at my door on Friday, he came in, gave me a kiss, and then said - oh, I probably shouldn't kiss you 'cuz I think I'm coming down with a cold. Well . . guess what! Yup, now I've got it and it ain't pretty. Talk about miserable . . broken heart and nasty head cold to boot!

I think it's tea and movies for me today.

Poor girl :(
You actually sound better though.......cold and all;)
Take it easy today and feel better. Sick days just lounging can be a nice change of pace. Eat well, watch a great movie, cuddle up on you couch and enjoy not having to worry about an idiot lol.
I too am feeling a little under the weather, I think mine is a sinus infection and for the last several days, Iv'e had a bad headache. It is starting to wear me down.
Blessings, TD

True story: I dated a guy shortly before I met my Tim. He wasn't that much younger than I am (literally, just a couple of years younger) but he really had a hang up about the fact that I was older. I let him go, felt kind of sick about it and then, six months later, I met Tim. Funny thing is, several months after that, we reconnected with that guy and he ate some serious crow when he found out that, not only was I off the market but I was taken by a man nearly 16 years younger than I am who has NO issues about our age gap whatsoever!
Wow! Same thing happened to me! Another true story: Just before my first roadtrip with my YM, another YM about 5 years older than my YM met me and wanted to date me. He knew about my YM and was trying to cut in. But he had a problem dealing with my age, even though he thought I was 32 at the time. I think that in most other respects (expect my age) I would have been his ideal girlfriend (in his opinion). But even later on, he was always trying to tell others my age like he had a special secret to share. This jerk was very helpful in finally having my successful age discussion with my YM later on, little did he know...

Some men are always going to be childish. Another true story is that the manager of my longtime garage (I don't need them now as my YM is so handy with cars) had a thing for me. We are about the same age and I've used his garage for about 20 years now. We actually never were interested in each other and he was married when I met him, and later on had a very young girlfriend after he got divorced. But a few years back, I would tell him about all the car meets I would go to and how well I fit in with the younger crowd. I made the mistake of telling this guy that no one ever asked my age and that I had been asked out by a few of them (and not accepted). Well suddenly, he wanted a piece of me, but I politely turned him down. Later on, after my YM moved in with me, I would send my other car friends down to the garage for service (they were a great shop), but then I stopped. It turns out that any of my friends that I sent down, this jerky manager would try to start conversations about me and say leading statements like "well you know that ____ is a lot older than she looks." I got really pissed and meant to have it out with him, but my best revenge is to never recommend his garage to anyone ever again.

Immature people can be such jerks. And don't worry, there are good men out there that aren't bothered by age or age gaps in a relationship. Just don't rush into the next one and work on the friendship part first. In my experience, when you totally admire, respect and like the whole person a lot, their age has no factor in the rest of the relationship in terms of loving them.

cindee, I hope that you had a good weekend. I wish you lived near me, last night I went to see two friends perform at a pub. The female singer I first saw perform 30 years ago this Halloween. Her old bass player was there, he's such a sweetie and currently single. He's studying law. From the small talk he exchanged with the singer, he was also dating an older woman at one point! Anyway, there are some great single guys out there... but I think that you shouldn't date anyone on the rebound. What's that song from the musical South Pacific? Something about "I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair and... send him on his way!"

Thanks, TD, I hope you feel better soon too. I am suprised right now at how indifferent I feel about the whole thing. I don't know if it's because I've been down this road before with him, or if it's a relief not to worry about every line on my face, or if this cold just has me too miserable to care.

Mui . . thanks for the thought. I don't plan to do any dating for a while. I know all about the rebound thing. It's not fair to any of the parties involved. I have to deal with the loss head on, learn from it, and eventually move on.

I know that there are other men out there . . they just seem scarce in the northeast. Did any of you AGRS ever worry that you would never find another partner who would have a lot of the wonderful qualities that you loved in the partner you lost? I think that has been part of the difficulty of resisting his return in the past. I have been told in the past, too, that I should just work on being the best "me" and enjoying life and not worry about a relationship. In time, that will fall into place when you least expect it. Do you believe that?

I know that there are other men out there . . they just seem scarce in the northeast. Did any of you AGRS ever worry that you would never find another partner who would have a lot of the wonderful qualities that you loved in the partner you lost? I think that has been part of the difficulty of resisting his return in the past. I have been told in the past, too, that I should just work on being the best "me" and enjoying life and not worry about a relationship. In time, that will fall into place when you least expect it. Do you believe that?
I do live in the northeast...

Anyway, there are lots of goodhearted single people out there. However, I've found that when I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, I would get noticed. When I was looking, they would seem to vanish. I know that another common observation that the men lament is that once they are married and wearing a wedding band, suddenly nice women flirt with them. In my opinion, part of that is it is safe to approach a married man for company as you don't have to worry about him coming on to you.

One of the best places to meet single older men is by finding them at their hobbies. Think about trying things with a girlfriend or solo like going to a historic car show, going on a deep sea fishing trip and depending on your car, try some autocross events. Tons of guys there and not many women driving around orange cones on the tarmac. My YM's mom met her second husband at a Barnes and Noble bookstore. Try some community volunteer work.