Why Did It End?

I just read a recent post where a new member said that she found readig through the threads - even the ones with recent breakups - very helpful.

I was thinking about the "Common Age Gap Questions" thread and noticed that the thread about "Why Did It End?" had a dead link.

With so many recent breakups - and even past breakups, I thought this might be an opportunity for people to not only vent a little, but to have a place which shows that AG breakups happen for many reasons - because of the age gap and not.

So, if you are up for it, can you tell us how long you were together, why you feel your AGR ended and if you feel it was age gap related?

I'll repost this thread on the Common Age Gap Questions thread and it could be helpful to someone else.

My first AG relationship had a gap of 17 years. It lasted 3 years and it did end partly because of the gap. He had been married once before, but had no children, and he wanted them. My kids were grown and I had already gone though menopause (at 37 yet), so I couldn't have any more. He was against adoption, it HAD to be HIS child. Those were the "discussed" reasons.

Truthfully, I would have been settling yet again had we remained together. ALthough we had fun, his biggest hobby was watching sports of ANY kind on TV and going to sporting events. I am NOT a sports freak. He didn't read anything at all except the sports page on Sunday, and I devour books. We didn't share anything remotely resembling the same religious views. So he wasn't good long term material for me anyway. That relationship taught me that I can't do "FWB" without getting involved, so after I broke it off with him, I was celibate for the next 4 years.

Then I met my now husband online, and the rest is history.

Well, LOL, not sure that I can explain any clearer here and now, than I could a few months ago.......but In's reasons were good so, I'll go with those.
Blessings, TD

My first age gap lasted a year and a half and we had a 35 year gap. I was 21 and he was 56. (although he lied to me and told me that he was 47)

It ended honestly...because of the sex. I was unexperienced but wanting to try new places and things and to vary our sexual times...and he wanted to have sex the in the same place...same way...same time...everything same.

It got to where I could run a commentary in my head and call the play by play when we were in bed.

I knew I couldn't settle for that kind of sexual rut. No one should have to settle for that kind of sexual rut!

There were other problems there however...problems I really didn't see until I got out.

He was very super controlling of me and my time. I had ended up so dependant on him and that just made it worse.

We had lied to my parents about him on several occasions so I knew there could never be anything long term because my parents would have killed me. Or him. Or possibly both of us. *smile*

I could probably write a book about that crazy relationship.

Nadine.

I saw a guy who was 26 when we met, i was 45.

We were seeing each other for over 2 years. From the beginning (we were good friends first) he made it pretty clear that he eventually wanted a relationship with someone closer to his age, including having a child. He knew i didnt want kids, but often said he wished we were closer in age. :(

I went with it because we had fun, got along great, had great sex, and i knew he cared about me. I did enjoy the relationship alot. It hurt when it ended, but it was worth it.

My ex-ym and I met through his brother, a former friend and colleague from the romance writing industry. It ended because he was #$()@#*$%()* crazy.

My first age gap relationship was my 2nd husband. He was 6 years younger, and he died in March of 2005. :(

The next age gap relationship was very short-lived. He was 17 years younger, and judging by the way things turned out, he was only interested in that ONE THING, and that one thing wasn't a serious long-term relationship. He essentially lied to me, repeatedly, about what he wanted, and what his intentions were, for a long time, until he wore down my defenses and I agreed to go out with him. It lasted for about 3 dates. :o I don't think the split was age-related, but he lied to much, it's possible.

My new husband is 8 years younger, and he is definitely in it for the long haul. He thinks I'm the perfect woman. ;)

This is my second age gap relationship. My first was with an OM 10 years my senior. We talk on occasion but he was just to sneaky for me and he always seemed to be hiding something. Not to mention the money he always threw in my face whenever I complain about him.

I can't wait to read the new thread.

Thanks for sharing again, you guys.

I know most of you have told your stories alraedy, but I was just trying to get them all in one place to make it easier to find for newbies....:o

Thanks for making the thread, Kristin. Very good idea and i'm enjoying reading it. :)

Well in my case, I was 44 he was 24. We dated for 3 months before he got deployed to Iraq. We were in constant contact during this LDR. He came home about a month ago, and well, it's just not the same. He has issues from the war he's working through and the distance is obvious. We're now 46 and 26 and I'm pretty sure there is no way back. We really did try though.

My first AGR was with a guy who was 29 yrs younger than me. I was 49 and he was 20. We had about a six month relationship which was mostly an emotional/intellectual discourse until it became sexual, which totally amazed me. We were both in it for the fun, and we both didn't expect to be anything other than short lived. He left to go to France and it ended.

My next AGR was with a guy who was a year even younger. 30 yr age gap. But he had a load of life experience already. We enjoyed a few months of conversation and incredible sex. Neither one of us expected more or less. He's now a lawyer.

My following AGR was with a guy who was 23 when we met, and I was 50. I don't think either one of us expected our relationship to last almost six years with a 27 yr age gap. The relationship was full of growth for both of us. There were a lot of ups and downs and commitment and lack of commitment. The age gap always commanded an awareness; sometimes it played a heavier part than at other times. The relationship did not end because of the gap specifically. It was because we were not compatible for the long haul. I loved him immensely however.

Now, I'm interested in another AGR, but this time, for the first time in my life, the other way around. I'm interested in a guy who is 19 years OLDER! He's incredibly creative, and he seems so stable, interesting, wise and kind.

My first AGR was with a guy 14 yrs OLDER than me. He was twice divorced, his last marriage was a Catholic marriage and he had not gotten an annulment so if I married him, I was not going to be able to be married by the church.

We got along great, but that was a deal breaker.

My first AGR was 19 years older than me. Ended because he was an emotional twit. :D

Seriously, he worried that I would cheat on him, wasn't ready for marriage, wanted to party. All those excuses still didn't justify that second girlfriend he had. :rolleyes:

Emotional incompatibility, in the end, I think. We were together for not quite 8 years with a 16 year gap. Really different ways of handling stress. That's not an age gap issue, but some of the sources for the stress that we failed to handle were partially age-related or at least career trajectory-related.

My former AGR was 30 years. I'm 22 and he is 52. We had a relationship for 4 years. We were very serious about eachother but he let his alcoholic demons take control of him. I couldn't take the pain anymore.

My first AGR was with a guy who was 2 years older than me. I was going to marry him. But I caught him one day sitting on the swings with a girl 2 years older than him (a 4th grader! :eek::mad:) He was mean and nasty about it, too, and said I was just going to have to deal with it.

What? Oh you want "serious" AGR stories? Okay...

My first AGR was when I was in my early 20's and dated someone 8 years older than me. Well I must have been 20 because he was 28. The age gap seemed huge to me, and I thought he was so much more life experienced and savvy than me. We were engaged. I broke things off with him after several arguments we had over his accusing me of not being able to think for myself and only parroting what he thought my mother was saying (so he didn't give me credit for having a mind of my own and that really bothered me). He was also manipulative and controlling and he raped me once.

My next AGR was 29 or 30 years. I was 23, and he was 52. He was the soccer and tennis coach and head of the PE department at the University I had attended. I had gotten to know him because while at the university, I dated one of the tennis players. All the college girls swooned over him (the coach). He was a hottie. After I had graduated, I was teaching and moved on to the street where he lived (unbeknownst to me at the time of the move). I was walking home from the market one day when he pulled over and offered me a ride home. That's when I learned he was living just up the street from me. After that, we began dating. He had said he wanted to marry me, and we got along really great.

There wasn't much I felt was different about our views on the world, except that he didn't have the same religion as me, and he was definitely more traveled (he was of Finnish and Turkish descent). Being "educators" from the same university, we sort of shared the same views or "schools of thought" there. We broke up because of his professional standing that he was afraid would be lost if anyone knew about our relationship. I was the one who broke it off. I couldn't stand being someone's "secret" and I wanted to marry him and have our relationship in the open. My parents knew about the relationship (though they were not happy - they were his same age). As it turns out, the other professors in the Education department somehow found out about our relationship anyway, and tried to humiliate me during a divisionwide professional teacher's conference. They asked if it was true I was dating him and I just very nonchalantly replied, "yes" and sat silently staring at the professor until she began the conference again.

At the same time all this was going on, the Catholic Seminary of America (is tha the right name? In Washington, D.C.?) sent a young priest-in-training to our local church and school where I was teaching. I used to sit and chat with him in the teacher's lounge before heading out to my afternoon school teaching position. He also showed up at my parents' house a couple of times for dinner where we hung out and got along fantastically. After knowing him for a couple of months, being charmed by his intelligence, personality, warmth, and good humor (his looks were attractive, too) and other things; and quite frankly, being impressed by his Harvard degree and US Marines status, I fell for him big time. When he decided he wanted to be a regular kind of a guy and not a priest, said he wanted to get married and have a family and all these other things that I also wanted, then asked me to marry him... I did.

When he asked me to marry him, I had been on a kind of a few months "reprieve" I guess you could say, from the 52 year old. So I informed the 52 year old I was going to be getting married and moving. He was very unhappy, but I felt it was the right thing to do. It had nothing to do with our age differences, just the way we handled situations and how we prioritized things. Looking back is bitter sweet. I did care for and love the man a lot, and he had said to me "trust me - in 10 years you'll be divorced." (He was right). I sometimes wonder what it would have been like with him for the rest of my life, and I've seen recent pictures of him - he's 79 or 80 now I guess and still looking hot. But I know now it wouldn't have been good for me. He was definitely mature, worldly, and professional in some ways, but too "young at heart" I think - too much like a college kid at other times. He is great fun to be with, but I'd have wanted someone more serious and someone less into drinking and partying.

My next AGR was someone 8 years younger than me and long distance. He was in Israel, and I was in the US. He met me on line at the end of my first marriage in it's darkest days. The only thing I think that was a problem with us was that he was too conscientious and didn't want to live with the idea in his head that he broke up my marriage. He didn't, but he felt he could never be sure about that. So he ended up marrying a girl that his parents arranged for him. Possibly also he felt he should marry someone else that was Jewish, too, but I don't think that was too much of a consideration. I do recall having a few conversations with him and that it wouldn't be a problem with his family. I do recall having the thought that his being 8 years younger than me was such a huge age gap, but he got me over that insecurity and there wasn't anything at all age gap related that I ever noticed or do notice even today. 14 years later, we're still loving each other, but from afar and only in the way that you love your best friend for life. I've met him in person a few times, too. He came with his wife and kids to work and live in Southern California for a few years.

My next AGR turned out to be my 2nd husband. I married him after I had converted to Islam and had been a Muslim for a few years. We met through a muslim matrimonial site. He was also 8 years younger. I was always afraid that his family was going to make an issue out of the age gap, but nobody ever said a word. We never noticed any age gap differences for the most part and our marriage was really nice for a few years. Unfortunately, some people who have been given prescription drugs can have their lives really destroyed by the side effects of the drug and I believe that created an impossible situation in our marriage. Also, I believe he was misdiagnosed as a depressive personality when he was more likely suffering from the anxieties and stresses of trying to struggle through a high level mathematics degree program when he had a math learning disability.

My most recent AGR ... and now that I'm to this point in my writing here, I'm surprised at myself for not having realized until now that I have been in so many AGR's (there were more I dated along the way, but weren't anything serious or long term - mostly guys older than me). Now my YM is 20 years old and I'm 47. We met in a chat room where one of his friends had referred him to, but where after meeting me he never logged on again. We've had a phone long distance only relationship for 8 months. The first 5 months were great, and if there was any feeling of age gap between us, it was either me just having insecurities about my age versus his age, and that I occasionally felt like he was OLDER than me. He also occasionally talked about how I seemed to him to be younger. The past 3 or 4 months, both of our life circumstances have changed and I don't know what to make of the result of that yet. We've been missing the chance to talk to each other, and he's been seemingly perhaps just fantasizing about having a real relationship with me. I can't tell yet. I have given an ultimatum to stick to his original plans after 8 months of promises, or forget it. I can't say it's his age that is doing this, because a few people with a similar experience have shared their experiences with me and those others doing this have been in their 40's and 50's. If we break up, it's going to be because he has a problem following through with his promises.

My previous boyfriend was only three years my senior, but the gap seemed much larger. Little things like our conflicting musical tastes would bother me. He loved the Beach Boys but I loved my New Wave and Punk bands. We never even saw the same bands when we were in our twenties. But also, he was Jewish and raised in a fairly conservative setting. Pink hair was cool to me, but something to make fun of in his family. Once I was wearing these nice designer jeans with studs running down the sides of the legs and he told me that they were the jeans of a teenager. I was 42 at the time. I left him and part of the reason was that he made me feel very old.

And it's strange that my current YM is 23 years younger than me and we always seem on the same page about everything... including music! I am so lucky that I found a YM that isn't into gangsta rap and trance like the rest of his friends.

My a-wee-bit-more-than-a-2-year relationship with a YM 7 years my junior (he's 29) ended 4 weeks ago to the day. After dating 18 months, he asked me to move in with him - we had a work week relationship (I was a contractor so saw him during the week only, then on the weekends went home -- 330 km away) up until that point and when I was able to get a job at his company (no worries, there are over 8000 people here), he "proposed" that I move in and I did. So I packed my bags said goodbye to my old life and hello to a new one. That was 8 months ago. I was his longest relationship & the first woman he has ever lived with. Now I get to start over again.

After a 2 week eye-opening trip to the U.S. in May (to visit my family & his aunt, her 4 kids & their 11 children), we both came back with the same feeling - we are not ready for that kind of life. Unfortunately, it changed him. We started talking openly about our future together. I can only guess it scared him.

Why did he break up with me? He says it was a feeling he could not put into words, that his gut told him something was not quite right and were I 25 and he were in the same mental state, he might not have made this decision just yet, but my age did a play a role. He won't come out straight and tell me I was too old for him or that my age played a primary role in his breaking up with me. I guess he's too nice for that. He just said his feelings for me had changed, he never said he did not love me anymore, just said he had no feelings for me anymore. But I'm not naive. I know it's all one and the same.

Some time ago, before the break up he said, he was afraid that by the time he were ready to commit to family, I would be too old and it would be too late for me. So I put all the pieces of the puzzle together and think, he made this decision on my behalf.

In any case, we still live together. Here it isn't so easy to get an apartment (Germany), so mine won't be ready until Sept. 1. We will run into each other on the train platform on the way to work, probably at our local Turkish grocery shop to buy our beloved roma tomatoes and cilantro since my apartment will be in the same neighborhood, etc., etc..

Why did it end? I can only speculate. He simply told me, he does not know what he wants.

ellestar - Did you ever talk much to your YM before your US trip about you wanting to have children of your own one day? Or is he only imagining the ticking of your biological clock?

Hi,
My ym (29 yrs. younger than me) is backing off. He is telling me that he is confused and is not sure what he wants. And I DO understand and in my heart I know he needs this time to himself. I have certainly had my doubts (still do) but he had been the one who was so sure and so positive about the relationship. We have not been sexually intimate yet, but I am certain that this is not the problem. He has legitimate concerns and I believe that I must respect his desire to examine his head and his heart.
At my age, I knew this was a long shot at best. I am just so very sad as I find myself - yet again - in the role of "understanding caretaker." Because I am a psychotherapist, I am aware that there are many ways that I am actually "attracting" persons who are in "need." And I am sick of this role and today is a very very bad day - it was just this morning that he informed me that he needed some time to get himself together. I feel like dirt. Part of me wanted to believe that God had saved this wonderful, bright, and energetic young man to be a kind of "reward" for me at this time of my life. I feel completely foolish and older than ever.
Thanks for listening...pray for me...and for him.

Oh Jeanna, I'm so sorry. I know the pain. I will pray for you both. :bighug:

I've been here since January, 2000 (although my profile says differently).

I met Robin in July, 1999. We were so hot for eachother, you couldn't have kept us apart. He was 16 years my junior.

We dated (he lived 5 minutes away), we eventually began living together 6 months later, and we lived as husband and wife for over 7 years.

The first few years were absolute bliss.

I think he cheated on me in the fifth year, but never admitted it.

He, in the sixth year, was seduced by an ex-neighbor and ex-friend of mine, and they had an affair. I believe it actually went on for another year, though again, he won't admit it. All the while, we were having great, mind-blowing sex, night after night.

He changed, he became obviously distant and eventually, violent. We went to counseling, but in the end, we split up because he attacked my son.

I think he was ashamed of what he did, didn't know how to own up to it, and it made him nuts, because to this day, he still calls me his "one true love" and has sent me letters saying, "I'll always love you." I don't respond to the letters and haven't seen or spoken to him in 8 months.

I believe the risk of being involved with a vym, is the fact that he will change as he matures, and at the same time, being inexperienced, won't know how to ward off sexual advances from attractive women, especially if the woman is a persistent and aggressive pursuer.

I'll never put myself in that position again. The pain was almost enough to kill me, but it didn't. I am stronger for it, but I'll never go there again!

Hi,
My ym (29 yrs. younger than me) is backing off. He is telling me that he is confused and is not sure what he wants. And I DO understand and in my heart I know he needs this time to himself. I have certainly had my doubts (still do) but he had been the one who was so sure and so positive about the relationship. We have not been sexually intimate yet, but I am certain that this is not the problem. He has legitimate concerns and I believe that I must respect his desire to examine his head and his heart.
At my age, I knew this was a long shot at best. I am just so very sad as I find myself - yet again - in the role of "understanding caretaker." Because I am a psychotherapist, I am aware that there are many ways that I am actually "attracting" persons who are in "need." And I am sick of this role and today is a very very bad day - it was just this morning that he informed me that he needed some time to get himself together. I feel like dirt. Part of me wanted to believe that God had saved this wonderful, bright, and energetic young man to be a kind of "reward" for me at this time of my life. I feel completely foolish and older than ever.
Thanks for listening...pray for me...and for him.

Jeanna,

There is nothing foolish about you. You're just attracted to someone who happens to be considerably younger than you, and that tends to pose problems, but it could be someone your own age as well. I hope you realize that. Don't make this into some love forlorn situation...

I understand what you mean about attracting persons in need. I am a nurse, and I tend to do the same thing...brilliant, screwy people with a propensity for depression.

Perhaps you may need to explore some things in therapy yourself! Can you go to another town and talk to someone without discussing your profession and just be YOU, Jeanna? Sounds like it may be helpful.

I was in a relationship for almost 6 years with a man 27 years younger. I'm now 56 and he's 29 and it's been over for 7 or 8 months. It was a LOT of work, and in retrospect probably not worth it. You may be saving yourself an enormous headache, but I realize that doesn't help your heart right now.

Sorry you are going through this.
Kat

ellestar - Did you ever talk much to your YM before your US trip about you wanting to have children of your own one day? Or is he only imagining the ticking of your biological clock?
initially he always talked of family. I finally succumbed to the belief that we would have a family together a few months ago, so when we got home, I said it out loud "I am 37, I have to think about these things." But I also said, I am not ready. So yes, he imagined my biological clock ticking. I never pressured him, but everyone I talks to says that although I never said a thing, it is implied that a woman 30 and over starts to think about these things and it subconsciously puts pressure on a man, whether the woman does it or not.
but I retorted, I know a 26-year-old who dumped her bf because she wanted kids right away. he was 34 and was not ready, so it can happen no matter how old you are.

I'm ending my 20 yr AGR, I'm the OW. Its going to be hard but after spending a weekend with him and my two younger children, I realize that its just not going to work out for me. One side (non_agr)is that he's trying to tell me how to parent (ouch, don't go there), he was bored and wished he was at least drinking something to make it more interesting. Red flag for me! Other side (agr), he wants 2 kids of his own. I asked for "baby stories" on here and greatly appreciated hearing all sides. I do love babies, but have come to the decision that I do not want any more. I'm too worn out with what I have in my life now and it wouldn't be fair to bring a baby into this world if I'm only going to be more overwhelmed. Don't get me wrong, I would love the baby no matter what, but I'm making the choice to not have any more.

I've also had all the added stress of the small town crap of dating him because he's 18. He is a very loving person and has a huge heart, but the stress has been over bearing on me and my children. I just cannot put my children through the pain that people will joyfully cause because of my dating a ym. One thing for sure is that through all of this I have found out who my "true friends" are!! They didn't judge me, they were there to listen and gave me the support to make my own decisions about the relationship. The ones who I thought were my friends, but turned out to be nothing but cruel and backstabbing, I have written off! I'm not ruling out dating a YM again, I'm just done with dating period!! LOL

Thank goodness for this website! You all are wonderful and courageous people!

Hi,
Thank you to Kat, Leejo, Polly, and Cindee for your kind and insightful responses. I have absolutely no one to spin this off of due to my profession (people are SO judgmental - especially we Therapists!) and due to just plain embarrassment regarding the 29 year age gap.
He is still confused and frankly it is giving me time to think and time to read all of your experiences here on Ageless Love.
It was like a sneak attack when he burst into my life and I had been satisfied since my divorce 7 years ago to be single and focus on my career. Suddenly, young Mr. Charming appears and I become putty in his hands. Has this hole been in my soul for a long long time? I am not sure if I know the answer. I may take the advice of getting some counseling for myself...I did so during my divorce and it was quite helpful.
Bottom line for this moment in time: I FEEL SO LONELY. He made me feel so special and I did not know that I needed that kind of attention. We are in contact through email only and his plan at this time is to "cool" things off and think things through. I am mentally refusing to believe that he has found a younger woman, but of course I could not have mentioned it if I were REALLY refusing to consider the possibility.
I do not want to live this way...doubts...jealousy...despair...I am both too old and too young to live this way!!
Again...thanks for listening and thanks for your kind feedback!
Jeanna

Wow...I forgot how 30 year olds act - no offense to ym or yw out there, but expecting to communicate effectively with my ym is like expecting a smooth ride on a roller coaster. The experience of watching him behave so immaturely is helping me more than anything else could to get over this infatuation that I have with him. I am quite nearly angry and I do not become angry very often...this is healthier than the pity party I was giving myself.
I still believe that he will become a man of integrity and hopefully with some loyalty and concern for other's feelings as well. But I believe that this wee fish will have to go back into the river to grow up.
Feeling somewhat stronger now...
Jeanna

One thing for sure is that through all of this I have found out who my "true friends" are!! They didn't judge me, they were there to listen and gave me the support to make my own decisions about the relationship.

Amen! Too many judgmental people in the world... and I believe that only God has the authority to judge our hearts.

I was in and am ending an age-gap relationship, married for 15 years to a man 12 years my senior (I am 38, he is 50). What is so ironic is that I wasn't even aware of "age gap" terminology at that time. I guess it is still socially acceptable for an older man and younger woman to be together rather than the opposite - which I also didn't think about since my aunt I am closest to is married to a man 12 years her junior. Anyway... currently in divorce process with my husband - papers filed and date set, just seems like it's taking forever. He was, and still is, emotionally and mentally abusive. Has been physically abusive. The problem with mental and emotional abuse is that it can creep up on you, and you don't realize for years that it has happened, and how much of a different person you are because of it. After the first physical abuse (actually sexual - held me down, choking me and raped me when I was pregnant with youngest son) - I left him. Unfortunately, was not making enough money at that time to support me and my children at the time, and ended up going back to him for economic reasons (and yes I have made sure to change THAT by finishing school... working my way up the "ladder" at work... etc). Things were still bad, but I learned to live with it and do my best. Within the past couple years it was greatly going downhill, and since my mother died last year he has treated me so horribly that it became unbearable. I asked him to move out in March. Because we have children, he is still often around - and unfortunately has been treating me so ... evilly ... that I can barely stand it. I hate hate hate divorce - but no way I am letting myself or my children live through any more of this. So, no it had absolutely nothing to do with age.

The YM I met since ... he is so amazing. Such a loving heart and soul. I ask God every day to bless his family for raising such a wonderful man, and thank Him for allowing me to share in a part of his life.

I thought I was ready to end it, but I couldn't do it. We ended up talking for hours about the weekend we had and why we react the way we do and how we can work on it. I'm like to stuff my feelings and he drags it out of me. I'll update on another post I made.