But I *love* him! What love is and what it's not.

It seems to me that we hear some of the same things over and over again from the ladies on the board. One thing about AGR's is that we skip over generations. And one thing some ladies aren't aware of is how the hookup generation operates.

Let's make a list of things guys do when all they want is hook up sex, that might mislead people.

One thing pops into mind right away: Saying I love you.

It does not mean a thing without much face time behind it.

Does anyone else want to play???

Ali

I'll play!!

Pictures.
A guy immediately asking if I have any hot pictures to show him is an immediate turn off to me. My YM was one of only two YM that never asked me for special pictures. And be sure that any picture you share with him will also be shared with several message boards and photochopped with embarrassing captions. And the same warning goes for posting pictures of yourself on the internet. Google images will help them find your pictures.

Cellphones.
Don't call him up too often. Frequently, I have seen YMs get a call on their cellphone, after checking the caller id, if it's their girlfriend, they make a sign for his buddies to be quiet, then he puts his girlfriend's call on speakerphone. His answers to her are straight, but he is making faces at his buddies.

Small digital cameras. Cellphones with camera features.
Always be aware of cameras in the bedroom. You would be amazed at what pictures are taken, and what your ex will do with the pictures once you break up. They will even post your pictures even before then as some prize and proof to their internet "friends" that they are truly players. If they are nice, they will block out your eyes or face but don't count on that.

And if your man gets deployed, still do not let him have naked pictures of you. Bikinis yes, bras, thongs and nudity are not recommended. Even if you trust him, trust that his bunkmates will hack into his email and laptop and find those private pictures.

I thought this was a support forum?

Not everyone born in the 'hook up generation' is entering into relationships just to hook up. I have seen 40 and 50 year old men whose lives revolve around bedding different women so lets not discrimate on the younger generation or as it has been called...the 'hook up generation'.

Being in love and telling a person you love them can be expressed whether you've known them for 30 days or 30 years.

Speaking on behalf of the 'hook up generation' and/or the younger men. Whichever comes first. ;)

There are things that SOME men of ALL generations do just to get the booty that are similar to the things that those true guys do from the heart and not because they just want to sleep with you.

Perhaps we should do a post about some gold-digging younger women dating older men for their money? It would hurt wouldn't it? :)

I'm sort've inclined to agree. What is the point of all this cynical nonsense? Some people act like jerks, all ages and all sexes. No newsflash.

The behavior you're describing is pretty infantile. Young women are far more likely to fall victim to it than older women. As life goes by, your bull**** detector vastly improves.

I haven't had an experience like that - with any man - since I was in my early twenties.

I mean, can't you tell if someone is acting like a sniggering, stupid teenager?

I'll play!!

Pictures.
A guy immediately asking if I have any hot pictures to show him is an immediate turn off to me. My YM was one of only two YM that never asked me for special pictures. And be sure that any picture you share with him will also be shared with several message boards and photochopped with embarrassing captions. And the same warning goes for posting pictures of yourself on the internet. Google images will help them find your pictures.

Cellphones.
Don't call him up too often. Frequently, I have seen YMs get a call on their cellphone, after checking the caller id, if it's their girlfriend, they make a sign for his buddies to be quiet, then he puts his girlfriend's call on speakerphone. His answers to her are straight, but he is making faces at his buddies.

Small digital cameras. Cellphones with camera features.
Always be aware of cameras in the bedroom. You would be amazed at what pictures are taken, and what your ex will do with the pictures once you break up. They will even post your pictures even before then as some prize and proof to their internet "friends" that they are truly players. If they are nice, they will block out your eyes or face but don't count on that.

And if your man gets deployed, still do not let him have naked pictures of you. Bikinis yes, bras, thongs and nudity are not recommended. Even if you trust him, trust that his bunkmates will hack into his email and laptop and find those private pictures.

I think one would have to be pretty gullible to have these things happen. I agree our bs radars do tend to hone in on someone trying to pull these things off. I have never felt as if my man (24) would do anything like this to me (40). I have not heard of the younger generation being referred to as the hook up generation. With all the STD's out there you would think one would not be to smart to go for this type of person whether they are young or old. Where is our faith in these young men? I agree this game is a tad bit too cynical for me.

Wendy

I thought this was a support forum?

Not everyone born in the 'hook up generation' is entering into relationships just to hook up. I have seen 40 and 50 year old men whose lives revolve around bedding different women so lets not discrimate on the younger generation or as it has been called...the 'hook up generation'.

Being in love and telling a person you love them can be expressed whether you've known them for 30 days or 30 years.

Speaking on behalf of the 'hook up generation' and/or the younger men. Whichever comes first. ;)

There are things that SOME men of ALL generations do just to get the booty that are similar to the things that those true guys do from the heart and not because they just want to sleep with you.

Perhaps we should do a post about some gold-digging younger women dating older men for their money? It would hurt wouldn't it? :)

People jump on the board whose situations are much as I've characterized. If you don't like the post, don't respond. I think they still have the ignore user button as well. I'm surely going to check.

Ali

Does anyone else want to play???

Ali
I took this as a thread offering some pain preventative commonsense delivered humorously, hence the phrasing of the original post. Agreed that there are louses from all generations, but that the majority of the regular older members of this board are very lucky to be dating some quality young people, myself included. However, from what I see every day in real life and also read on the youth oriented message boards, I think that think thread delivers an important message. Not every woman has perfect radar.

They didn't have rufies when I was young, no one ever asked me to try anal sex or shave down there either and my life in my 20's was not at all sheltered as I was one to go backstage to any rock concert I could.

And the electronics age puts a lot of early pressures on new relationships. With cellphones, couples can be too well connected. I remember hanging out with some YM's one evening. Someone was doing an engine swap on his car. One guy walked in later than the rest. He had just had dinner with his girlfriend, dropped her off and now it was his time with the boys. Well it was only half an hour later that his girlfriend called him up crying about something, so he had to leave. We all felt sorry for him, especially me. Plus having a cellphone is an added expense and also I see too many people driving and talking at the same time on their phones.

I have heard the phrase hookup generation, and I think it's because the girls are trying to play as hard and the boys in terms of the dating scene...

Anyway, sorry if anyone took offense to my posts, I was just expressing my opinions based on my experiences. Actually, I was going to ask a mod if it was appropriate to post a link to a thread from another message board sometime. It's from a car message board and it's about one YM's experience dating an OW over the period of about a year. And he was very respectful about his posts, but part of the merit of the thread was the other YMs' posts in reaction to his story.

I took this as a thread offering some pain preventative commonsense delivered humorously, hence the phrasing of the original post.

Actually, I was going to ask a mod if it was appropriate to post a link to a thread from another message board sometime.

yeah, i kinda did too :confused:

and

links are ok as long as they're not solicitory or to another message board. I'd suggest copy/pasting his post, without his user name, so that all could see what he said. someone may benefit. who knows.


i have one to add (only thing i could think of that i've personally fallen for):

work.
if he always has to work.... but can swing by for an hour or so between his hours of working, something's dodgy. This friends, is a booty call. :yes:

One thing pops into mind right away: Saying I love you.

It does not mean a thing without much face time behind it.


Yes, it's me. The rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.

I'm sorry...
But I'm calling "Yellow Flag" on this one....

The currently woman I've been dating, met on the plenty of fish website. *Thumbs Up*...but, I digress. We started talking on the phone back in November...didn't go on a date for about a month. But, in that time on the phone? You would be amazed at what can happen. Granted, she's my age...not talking about age gap here. However...after a few weeks on the phone I could tell we were both developing deeper feelings for one another. And, if memory serves me correctly, we were able to say "I love you"...before we ever even went on that date...

Just because a member of society who happens to have male genitalia says, "I love you" rather quickly...that does not mean he is looking to get in your pants, up your skirt, down your blouse, curved to the left in your wazoo or dance the jitterbug with your Melrose Bahama Mama...

Yes, there are certain members of my gender that, yes, they DO want that. However, to make a broad blanket statement that generalizes one action with one gender...is, well...kind of ignorant of one.

Do I regret saying, "I love you" so quickly? Nope, not a ding-danged bit...

Do certain parts of my body swell with anticipation when I do so? Yep. Is it below my waist? Not necessarily.

Dan!

heehee, Dan said "genitalia"

this thread reminds me of something I read in one of my Psych. text books way back when...

There was a big psychological study on love and genders. The findings were that women tend to fall in love faster than men but that men tend to fall in love harder than women.

interesting!

No one ever asked me to try anal sex or shave down there either and my life in my 20's was not at all sheltered as I was one to go backstage to any rock concert I could.

You never know - lol - maybe it was. :D

I recall being asked to try sex, anal sex, shaving and any number of other things pretty much non-stop from 16 onwards. And I turned 16 in 1980.

I thought the hook up generation was in reference to women who have grown up in an era where bootie calls and one night stands were the norm.

I think I read an article recently about a woman who wrote a book how women are being affected now, not just younger women but older women who have also bought into the the whole idea.

I blame girls gone wild videos, they have really screwed up a lot of young women's persepective of what is respectful behavior towards themselves.

Players (men) have been around forever...since the dawn of time Im sure but they have been called different things throughout the generations, rakes, snakes (80's), players(90's)...Im sure they had names for them in the 20's, 30's 40's 50's 60's and 70's.


These are the warning signs passed down from my mom and that I am passing down to my daughters:

warning signs that you might be with a player whether its a woman or a man would be:

1. he only gives you his cellphone number and not his home number.
2. You dont know where he lives..he always meets you for the date.
3. He tells you that you can only call him at a certain time.
4. He doesnt stay over
5. He's always busy over the holidays
6. 90% of the numbers on their phone are of the opposite sex
7. His sister keeps calling him
8. So do his cousins
9. He says that he's done nothing wrong, youre the one who is insecure and jealous..he was just talking to that girl.
10. He introduces you as "this is my friend or this is (insert first name) to his friends.


and number 11 that I have added from my experience as a chatter and talking to a lot of guy friends who chat..

11. IF he is online, and suddenly disappears...his wife who you thought was a roomate just walked in :p

What love is and what it's not: Love can be different things to different people, so I prefer to think of it in terms of "good love" and "not good love".

Listen to yourself:

- If you spend all your time complaining about the other person or the relationship, you are in a bad relationship or you can't appreciate a good relationship, it may be who you are or what you think love is, but it's not good love.

- If you spend an inordinate amount of time making excuses for the way the other person behaves in the relationship OR yourself for putting up with it, it's not good love.

- If you heard your best friend saying the same things you say and you KNOW you'd scream, "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU??? YOU DON"T DESERVE THAT - YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP NOW!!!!! ", it's not good love.

11. IF he is online, and suddenly disappears...his wife who you thought was a roomate just walked in :p


OR his MOM!!!! :eek:

We see that A LOT in the chatroom! :p

Man its always funny when that happens.:p

this thread reminds me of something I read in one of my Psych. text books way back when...

There was a big psychological study on love and genders. The findings were that women tend to fall in love faster than men but that men tend to fall in love harder than women.

interesting!
That makes sense! With three of my past boyfriends, I fell in "love" first, then by the end of the relationship, I was done with them, but they had finally decided that they were in love with me.

I thought the hook up generation was in reference to women who have grown up in an era where bootie calls and one night stands were the norm.
The radio show is interesting. I guess part of the intent hooking up and having a friend with benefits is to be able to fill your sexual needs without the heartache.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hook+up

NPR show: Friends with Benefits (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1952884)

There was a big psychological study on love and genders. The findings were that women tend to fall in love faster than men but that men tend to fall in love harder than women. I have also read that women are ready to commit much earlier than the man. Most men are not ready until 14 to 18 months. Unfortunately, if the woman is pressuring too early in the relationship, he will back off and feel trapped.

Knowing this helps to keep one's cool and let things flow. Just try to have fun and enjoy the process. But it is hard I KNOW! :yes:

A couple quick things...what is that saying -

"Women give sex for love, men give love for sex."

OK, not 100% of the time, and not always in SO many words...but i think that statement is true alot of the time.

Also, if theres EVER a doubt in your mind as far as what he actually wants from you (at my age, i really think i can figure it out pretty quickly...and i'm cynical and un-trusting nowadays anyway ;) ), read the book "He's Just Not That Into You."

If you have to analyze all the time, and WONDER if he cares about you or wants a relationship with you, then he REALLY doesnt. I tell my niece that all the time. If the guy is crazy about you, you'll know it and feel it, and he'll SHOW it. You WONT have to constantly make excuses for his behaviors!! A pet peeve of mine!!

Well here's a thought. If a guy comes right out and tells you that he doesn't see a future or isn't in love, assume its a hook up. Don't go looking for deeper meaning just because he's awesome in bed!

If you gotta ask... it's not love.

I am not clear on this "bootie call and one-night stand generation": what were the years that this group was/are in their early twenties, please.

We don't date; we hook up
Is sex without responsibility a good idea?
By Megan Scott • ASAP • JUNE 1, 2007

Friend with benefits. Sex buddy. A booty call.


What passes for love in our oh-so-modern age? (Associated Press)
Call it what you want, but it boils down to no-strings-attached sex, and it's becoming more widespread on college campuses, says Laura Sessions Stepp, author of the recently released "Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both."

There is no dating. There's the 1 a.m. text message.

Girlfriend, boyfriend? It may never reach that level.

And that word love? Only complicates things.

There's just one hitch – not everyone is happy about it.

"I had four girls come up to me at a high school and ask, 'How do we bring back dating?' " says Stepp, whose book was released earlier this year. "I said to them, 'Ask a guy out on a date and tell him it's not a hookup.' "

But it's not that easy when hooking up is seen as an entree into a relationship, says Stepp, a Washington Post reporter who followed nine high school and college students over the course of two years. She says she found that for many young women, not hooking up meant losing out.

Hooking up
Hooking up is not a new thing. And yes, it was happening before "Sex and the City."

Flappers had petting parties in the '20s. The sexual revolution was the '60s.

"But still back then, more young women were dating than having free sex," says Stepp. "In fact, back then people still had some sort of dating relationship. You used the term boyfriend and girlfriend."

The whole traditional dating ritual – a man asking a woman out to dinner and a movie – began to decline in the late '60s, says Kathleen Bogle, a sociologist. In its place came group dating.

She says it's hard to pinpoint an exact moment when hooking up became mainstream, but it evolved over time for a number of reasons: the women's movement, more women going to college and living on campus, the dawn of "the pill."

"Women thought what they wanted was to have all that men had," says Gilda Carle, a television talk show therapist and author of "How to Have the Man You Want By Betting on Yourself." "They thought men had all the sex they wanted. So they went out and started pursuing sex the way men did."

Not that serious
But Stepp says women have a harder time having sex with no emotional attachment. And there's a scientific reason, she says. When a woman has sex, she receives a jolt of oxytocin, a chemical that makes her want to be held and caressed. The man gets a jolt of testosterone, which inhibits oxytocin.

Stepp acknowledges that there are some women who have no problem hooking up, which she defines as anything from kissing to intercourse. But she says she found most women were checking their cell phones after a hookup, getting angry if he didn't call or found someone else.

"Young women more than young men suffer depression when a relationship ends," says Stepp. "The shorter the relationship, the more likely they are to experience depression. So girls who hook up as a pattern are running the risk of depression because what happens is you hook up, it's ending, you tell yourself you're fine with it, but you're not."

Andrea Lavinthal, co-author of "The Hookup Handbook," says there's no proof that women can't handle casual sex.

"If you do like someone and want to be in a relationship, and they are still in the mode of, 'Let's keep it casual,' that can be tricky," she says. "I think anyone who goes into hooking up learns that the hard way. But that's like any situation."

Hookup vs. feminism
Stepp has come under fire from some women who feel the message is anti-feminist: women cannot be as sexually free as men.

But Stepp responds by saying feminism is about choice. The problem is young women are not necessarily choosing to have hookups; they are feeling pressure to do it.

"I have heard from other women who say, 'Guys just kind of expect this,' " she says. "I hear from young women that their girlfriends who are hooking up think of them as weak because they have a boyfriend."

In a way, it's hooking up – not warnings about sexual freedom – that hurts the feminist movement, says Carolyn Kaufman, a psychology professor at Columbus State Community College.

"If you have all these young women who are having sex with no strings attached, how does that not serve men?" she asks. "They can have sex with whomever they want – no strings attached. The feminist movement was about making choices that were for you – not for male society."

Relationships
Bogle, whose own book about hooking up is coming out this fall, says she found most young women want to be in a committed relationship. And once college is over, there is a switch to more traditional dating.

"In terms of whether all that hooking up hurts women, that's an empirical question that has to be answered," says Bogle. "Clearly the people Laura Stepp talked to had a lot of emotional ramifications."

Lavinthal maintains that hooking up does not ruin women.

For her book, she interviewed four women who had turned a hookup into a relationship. Two are now getting married.

"At the end of the day, it's really fun," she says. "As long as you are safe and emotionally healthy, it's just experiences. It's stories to make brunch with your girlfriends much more interesting."