Introducing myself...

I found this board after spending a night and morning of pure and utter hell. You know -- heartbreak.

I am 49, in love with a 26 yo guy, who is in love with me. The connection is nothing short of magical, and I say that as someone who doesn't have a romantic bone in my body.

This is an online relationship. Since I told him my age, I thought it was clear that there could never be anything in 'real' life. (Yes I know the internet is r/l and I know that he and I are real people.)

Anyway, last night I found out I was wrong -- that he has thought for some time that we would have a r/l relationship, and he wants it desparately -- he is devastated.

I don't feel I can do it -- I don't feel I can saddle someone so young with the baggage and problems that go along with an OW/YM relationship with a 23 year gap. (I'm not condemning anyone for having relationships with big age gaps. I'm just saying that I don't feel it's right for me to do this.)

Well he and I are both devastated. Each stayed up all night crying with broken hearts.

I found this board. I still don't think it can work. I still don't think it's right (for me). But after reading the messages on here, I am feeling that perhaps I'm trying to make decisions for him and his life (because I'm older) that he needs to make for himself. If he recognizes the baggage, and is willing to take it on, then maybe that is his choice. Maybe it is ok. Maybe it's not all my decision as the 'older one who knows better'.

Or maybe I'm just a tired, sick, lonely, selfish, going-on-50 woman who is delighting a bit too much in having a handsome, wonderful, kind, thoughtful, devoted 26 year old doting on me. I dunno. I'm trying to be honest with myself. It's awfully hard.

What are my fears? That he would suffer in some way -- from insults, goading, the things I can't do because of poor health, the loneliness from the inevitably of my dying before he does, a realization down the road that he wasted time -- that he coulda woulda shoulda spent his time with someone younger. That he'll feel used or exploited. That the day will come when I see him in pain and know that I caused it and could have, should have, prevented it (my biggest fear). That if he hears my voice or sees my face, the reality of my age will crash in on him, he will be disgusted, and leave in a way that makes me feel old and ugly. That he will dislike me for my shortcomings that are age and health related and not in my control. That I will become clingy and I've never been a clingy person. That is a HUGE no-no in my book.

What are my hopes? That we could somehow meet in person and I would discover that he likes me and loves just as much as he does now, that the 'age baggage' really is worth it to him and tolerable to him as he says it would be, that however it ends I could honestly say that I did all I could to prevent hurting him. That in the end, however it ends, I can honestly feel that I did not cause him avoidable pain -- I would rather have no relationship than have to face that in my conscience.


I'm devastated, heart broken, shaken to my soul, confused, anxious. Is this a lonely young man with a crazy obsession? Or a wonderful young man who just happens to have connected with me, to whom I really am special, and who he truly does love?

I'm delighted, joyous, surprised. I feel loved and very, very special to a very, very special person. People long for this. People ache for this. I have it in my hand and I'm wondering if I should let it go.

I'm on the brink of a huge decision -- do I tell him I will give it a try? that I'll give it a chance? and maybe set him up and set myself up for tremendous pain? Or do I put it aside and finish descending into this black hole of pain and desolation and loss that I'm sliding into? I dunno. Wish I did. I have an hour and a half to make a choice.

Thanks for letting me post this. No need to respond -- I just needed to say it 'out loud'. Please pray for me that I make the right decision, for both of us.

I wish you all well.

Thank you -
Kerstin

I don't have alot of wisdom to share. New on the boards myself, and just embarked into a agegap relationship with someone 20yrs my jr. (online). We have not met and won't until July this year sometime, after my divorce is final.

What I will say is don't make any quick decisions, until you've soaked up some of what people here are saying about their experiences. I too feel ALL THE FEELINGS you listed and ask myself daily, what the hell am I doing!

Let me suggest something as food for thought. Have you exchanged pictures through email? I did this and thought when I sent the pics..... oops there he goes! Guess what? He only thought the pics (which were not that flattering) supported what he already knew..... that I was beautiful!

We downloaded yahoo and used voice chat to talk (just like phone conversation) and bought webcams to see each other while we talked. I was scared to death to do this!! It was very hard to take the risk, but thought better to risk it now online -- than in person, where it would hurt worse. I can say now my y/m has seen me with no makeup on, sick, frazzled with my kids, hair a mess........ and it only brought us closer.

As far as making choices, let him chose what risks he'll take and be responsible for himself. We all have baggage, young and old...... just comes in different forms. And you can't really say who will outlive the other....tomorrow is no guarantee for anyone.

Might wanna slow down on the decision, hear what these wise women (and men) have to say, and try doing some voice chat, webcam or pics to break through some of those fears you have. For me, the fears are still there and it has not been easy...... but I'm closer to heaven than I was before.

Live for today, and give it a chance.

Gypsy

If it's any comfort, I went through EVERYTHING you just described when, God help me, I fell for a nineteen year old when I was 35 year old widow. I called myself every name in the book and was convinced that I had finally gone wiggy once and for all :>

You want baggage? Grieving a husband's death and a college sophomore? How much worse could it be?

Down the road a while, I can tell you a couple of things:

We don't get to pick and choose who loves us and when and how the blessing drops down from the sky. There's usually something about it that we would change if we were writing the script, but we get what we get.

(Admittedly - huge age gaps are ALOT to get).

Our only choice is whether to look it in the face - or run away before it even gets started.

Taking a chance with someone is never a bullet-proof endeavour. Same age, different age, same race, different race, common interests, opposite attracts. Some work and some totally implode.

If we knew ahead of time which is which then we could carefully make responsible decisions to minimize the hurt. But we don't have a clue. Honestly. It really isn't predicatable, despite the fact that we all want it to be.

Suffering. Will he suffer from the loss of a person who is very special to him? He may. Is that suffering less meaningful that the challenges he may face being with you for however long it lasts? As you said, is this more his decision to make than yours?

As the older partner, are there things you can do to make sure he has the space to grow and change like a 26 year old has too?

Just some food for thought.

Good luck. There are no right or wrong answers - just personal answers.

For me - we'll be four years in July and so far, I'm happy with the decision I've made. We're better and stronger together than we were apart and I'm grateful that I gave him the chance to be with me. I've certainly had to bend and flex through some changes as he grows up, but with so much love, it's really been a joy to do.

And if it ended tomorrow, I'd never regret giving it a chance to bloom.

Obviously you have challenges ahead just going from on-line to IRL, not to mention the age gap, but you do have the choice if you want to take it.

Wishing you much happiness whichever way you go.

Welcome Kirsten. You have come to the right place. Nearly 4 years ago I came here looking for help. I was 52 and I was involved in an on line relationship with a YM of 26. On my birthday he told me that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me for as long as he could.

To cut to the chase...he meant it. Bear and I were married this past July and are busy living Happily Ever After. He must tell me a dozen times a week that he feels that he made the right decision. We've talked about all of it...all the worries the health the longevity and we still came to believe that when two people are perfect for each other they will find a way.

A month after he told me he wanted us to be together. We met at the airport. I flew to meet him for the first time. The smile on his face was a miracle. He didn't see age...he only saw me. He said I was everything he ever dreamed of and I am no beauty. He took me back to his apartment and when we made love it was slowly with him undressing me piece by piece and then leading me into the shower. There were no shadows or candles to soften the marks of age. He never saw them. He still doesn't.

The age baggage means less than you think right now. We have had no problems that aren't normal for a relationship with no age gap. No one has been anything but kind, from family to friends to landlords... No one cares, all the matters is that you are happy.

You are worried about your health failing as you age. How about if his health is the problem? Bear is the one with the health problems in our relationship, but he is very solictious of my fibromyalgia and loves to take care of me when I'm sick. Love is like that and love doesn't have an age limit.

His mother gave us the wedding. She is two years older than I am and I know I wasn't the daughter-in-law she planned on but she said that she is so glad that he is happy. She made my gown and part of his outfit (we had a Renaissance wedding) and it all went like a dream.

She told me back when I was debating about allowing this relationship to go further that no one is guaranteed one more minute on this earth and that only a fool would throw away love because of something that "might" happen in the future. She is a very wise woman.

Take it slowly. Visit back and forth. Get to know one another. If it is love then it will grow as you build your life together. It can happen. You can be happy, but you have to be brave and believe that you can.

Please write to me if you want to talk some more. janegael@yahoo.com. I will also get my beautiful husband to give you some reassurance as soon as he gets out of the bath tub.

Please try not to have a stroke as you think about all of this. Drop by www.agegap.net and sign up with the list. You will find people married and happy who have the same age gap and more. There's a lot of us out here and we want to let you know that it can work out.

Peace,
Bear's Angel

you'll never know unless you try it.and if you don't you'll always wonder if it could have been.

You want to talk feeling whacky try being a 45 year old finding yourself in love with a 17 year old!
It took him weeks to convince me to even consider giving a relationship a try, lots of persistance and patience. Thank God he did. We've been living together for almost two years now, and he's given me more joy than I ever thought possible.
It hasn't all been smooth, but there has only been one real bump we've gone through, and we worked through that.
I'm not saying this is necessarily right for you, I always say it isn't for everyone. You have to be able to be patient, and there is a lot of crap you might have to face from society. Its best for those who have always been somewhat "free spirits" in their thinking.
However, at 26, he's an adult, he's perfectly capable of making his own choices, and how um, arrogant of you to think that you know more than him about what might make him happy.
Personally, I'd say wait till you actually meet to declare this a relationship, I think that's really important. David and I were 1200 miles apart and knew each other for six months before we met in person, and I really feel like we weren't really "together" till we were actually together once. Not that long distance relationships aren't real, but until you can replace that "crazy fantasy" feeling with a real life meeting, its still somewhat of a fantasy. We were long distance for another five months till he moved here, but we got together, here or there every six weeks till we could make it permanent. There is a vast difference between your imagination, and the feeling of touching, and smelling, and all that goes along with being together.
Y'know, love is always a gamble, no matter what, if there is a connection there, why fight it? What could you truly lose to try??
And what could you truly lose to throw it away? That leaves no choice to me.

Hi Kerstin!

I sincerely hope that you will give this relationship with your young man a chance. You are very worried about a lot of things right now...all of them tied in to whether or not being involved with a younger man is the right choice. You are filled with a lot of worry about what the future may or may not hold.

Remember though, that that future has the potential for love and so much promise as well. When Jane and I first began discussing the idea of a relationship, I don't think either of us had any idea that it would turn out the way it did. We are happily married now...seven months and counting.

Do not let your fears get the best of you. Our fear does help us...by making us question oursevles and what we are doing...so what you are feeling is only natural. But do not blow things out of proportion. Jane and I had many (if not all) of the worries that you are going through now. We worked them out. We were both dedicated to improving ourselves and our relationship and putting in the effort to make sure that it worked. So far, it has.

Will their be hurt and pain down the road? Probably, if our relationship can be deemed "normal" in this regard. There will be hurt feelings and fights, but then, those are the growing pains of all relationships. If there is love, then you will find that the hurt will fade in time.

Ultimately, you need to decide what you want out of a relationship, and see if this is something that your YM can give to you. Also, you need to find out what your YM needs from you, and you must be willing to provide that.

If both of you are in harmony over this, then I think you will find that the agegap factor of the relationship becomes quite moot.

Ultimately, however, I think it boils down to one thought. Don't let your worries blind you to the possibility of true happiness. No, you may not know yet what it is exactly that you have or are reaching for...but if you don't give it at least a chance, then you will never know.

Good Luck

Dave
who is Angel's Bear

Okay, just three things....
One is...Welcome to the site! *hugs* I'm glad you found us.
The second is...don't discount a happy relationship only because of the age difference. Don't be scared to take the chance, and don't deprive yourself of something that could be the best thing in your life soley on the basis of that one thing. As Nafadda said, you could spend your whole life wondering.
Third thing...you really can't make your young man's decisions for him. It is up to him to decide what he wants, what he is willing to sacrifice and, ultimately, who he is going to love. It won't much matter what you say to him, he will still feel how he feels, and you won't be able to control that. Even though he is young, it's his life and his heart, and its up to him what to do with them.
*hugs* to you. I so remember what you are going through...the "this can never work, am I crazy to think feel this way, I can't believe he feels like this about ME!" stage...It sure is confusing....
Your in my thoughts...
Jody (who is 34 and whose b/f is 20) ;)

Hi Kerstin and welcome to ageless :)

Now, I'm gonna take you by the shoulders and shake ya a little to make sure you read all the wise words from everyone !!! Now BELIEVE them ;)

We've all had the same feelings you have - WE dont want to saddle someone ELSE with our crap!! But one thing I think you need to figure out is - is it the age gap that bugs you or the relationship in general? What is the difference in your young man dealing with your baggage than a man your own age? What I mean is, if you took away the age gap, would you still be worried about him having to deal with your baggage? And like everyone else has already said, at 26 he is definitely old enough to make the decision as to who he loves.

Also, you said you didnt want him to be lonely when you inevitably died before him. Sorry, but that one's not up to us. So you dont have to worry about it at all !!! I'm not trying to be mean or sarcastic here, just realistic. No one ever knows who will go first.

Everyone has given you very good, sound advice from personal experience. Now, its your choice to take it or leave it. I, for one, hope you take our advice and go for it!!. If your ym has no reservations about being with you, then just enjoy what you've been given and be in love!!!! ;)

Southerngal

Has anyone heard from Kerstin? I tried to send her an email but it was refused. I hope she comes back to read the replies to her post before she does anything rash.

Peace
BA

keep on keeping on and do what you belive is right