Three year relationship about to end

Hi all. First let me apologize for only showing up when I need help. I don't really know any of you here, but I've been a member for a few years. Time doesn't allow me to be on the computer often, but I occasionally read and lurk.

I have been in a relationship with someone for 3 years. In fact he moved from the midwest to be with me on the east coast. The relationship began too soon after my divorce, and after being married to someone who wasn't kind, I fell for this other guy simply because he's nice.

The age gap (him 37, me 49) isn't the problem. It's simply that we don't have a lot in common, in fact some of the things that I'm passionate about don't interest him at all and visa versa.

I have grown to realize that "nice" isn't enough, that I need someone who I can share common interests with. He's a smoker and likes to watch TV and play computer games. He's pretty sarcastic by nature, and tends to think the glass is half empty.

I am an avid hiker, walk 5 miles a day, and don't like cigarette smoke. (I thought it wouldn't bother me because he smokes outside, but I was wrong.) I'm playful and can be overly silly, and he's emotionless by nature. It almost seems like he's older than me!

I could probably overlook all of this if he were "the one", but the bottom line is, I don't love him. I DO feel obligatd to him because he left everything to be with me and can't afford a place of his own. It's such a long move for him to go back home too. :(


Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you say/do? HELP!
K

Hello,

Im sorry to hear that things are not working out. The only peice of advice I can offer you, is go with what your heart says. If things are meant to be, then I am sure you can work it out with him. If not, dont stay in a relationship where you are going to get hurt.

I was in a similar situation and we both decided to stay as friends instead of staying in a relationship where it was not going to work out.

Best of luck and let me know what happens,

Anthony

I understand how you feel. I'd feel the same way if I were in your shoes. However, I had to wonder, how does he feel about the relationship? Is he content with how things are? How is it that, at the age of 37, he can't afford to support himself?

He's a big boy, and should be able to take care of himself.

nice to see you again kalri...

guess you two need/HAVE to sit down and talk...he can't possible be happy either.
good luck. i know a hard/sad place to be in....

I think that you need to tell him that the relationship is not working for you. It doesn't sound like he's madly in love with you at the moment, but more just in a situation that's very comfortable to him. Regardless, be kind to his feelings. What does he do for work? Well treat him as a friend and if he needs some time to save up to get his own place or time to decide what he wants to do next, maybe give him a couple months to do that.

I've been the one to break things off with my boyfriends in the past, three times in fact. Things like my being a non-smoker and two of them being smokers turned out to bother me more that I thought it would. Because my parents are smokers, I thought it would be manageable, but I was wrong. And smoking cigarettes ages their facial skin.

Good luck with your talk and please let us know his reaction to the talk. You say he is a pessimist, so perhaps your talk will come as no surprise to him.

Kalri:
When I was reading your post I was thinking you were describing my bf... from the Midwest, TV, computer games, smoking, not passionate about my passions and vice-versa. In my case I just LOVE dancing and he hates it. So as I kept reading I thought... this is me! Until I reached the part of "I do not love him". That is the Key part of our stories. Unlike you, I love my bf. Despite our differences I love him very much.

I imagine you have analyzed your feelings long and hard to make sure that what you think is lack of love is not just frustration over the differences. I imagine you have talked to him and no results. Have you tried a family counselor? How would your life be without him? Better? Worse? Could you enjoy your differences as a kind of space, or independence, or does he hinder your doing what you like to do? If you are definitely sure you do not love him, no amount of communication will help. It is time to let go.

You say that he cannot afford a place of his own. Are you sure? Does he have a job? Does he have friends where he coud move temporarily? Do some research in your area, because if you are going to kick him out you have to present him with alternatives of places for him to stay (rent a room somewhere?) I do not suggest living together even for a day after breaking up. It is not healthy and it will be ugly according to your description of him.

Best of luck and hugz.

Hi all. First let me apologize for only showing up when I need help. I don't really know any of you here, but I've been a member for a few years. Time doesn't allow me to be on the computer often, but I occasionally read and lurk.

I have been in a relationship with someone for 3 years. In fact he moved from the midwest to be with me on the east coast. The relationship began too soon after my divorce, and after being married to someone who wasn't kind, I fell for this other guy simply because he's nice.

The age gap (him 37, me 49) isn't the problem. It's simply that we don't have a lot in common, in fact some of the things that I'm passionate about don't interest him at all and visa versa.

I have grown to realize that "nice" isn't enough, that I need someone who I can share common interests with. He's a smoker and likes to watch TV and play computer games. He's pretty sarcastic by nature, and tends to think the glass is half empty.

I am an avid hiker, walk 5 miles a day, and don't like cigarette smoke. (I thought it wouldn't bother me because he smokes outside, but I was wrong.) I'm playful and can be overly silly, and he's emotionless by nature. It almost seems like he's older than me!

I could probably overlook all of this if he were "the one", but the bottom line is, I don't love him. I DO feel obligatd to him because he left everything to be with me and can't afford a place of his own. It's such a long move for him to go back home too. :(


Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you say/do? HELP!
K

Well since you are the one who doesnt love him and just wants out of the relationship, I feel that there is some obligation since the break up is a change of heart and has nothing to do with infidelity or abuse. Another thing if you really want him gone and he cant afford living on the East Coast then you might just have to finance his move back home.

Its not his fault that you have had a change of heart and therefore I feel he would need to be compensated by atleast being helped out financially to get back home where his family is at or at least be given enough time to straighten out his circumstances, and if he is more on the pessimistic side of things then expect him to go into a depression.

I DO feel obligatd to him because he left everything to be with me and can't afford a place of his own. It's such a long move for him to go back home too. :(

What exactly did he leave behind in Ohio? At 37 he is an adult and does he not have a job? With my YM, he pays me rent and half the utilities. The rent is about half the market rate and he helps fix things around the house and on my cars. In the beginning, he didn't have a steady income as we both wanted him to fine work that he wanted to do as a career. Now he makes better money, but will be rebuilding my back stairs for me. I buy the materials, he will do the labor and rent the scaffolding for the project.

Can your YM move back to Ohio? Would he be happier there? What about offering to split the moving expenses just to get him out? I know that he "sacrificed" to be with you, but on the other hand, he's had three cozy years living with you and gotten a chance to see the world outside of Ohio. And he's had three years to get his working act together, but hasn't. This guy sounds a little like my exhusband and most of his whole family... they all are happy living week to week. In other words, they make just enough money to live and having savings accounts are not important to them.

How close is his new home to you? I can feel your pain though, you are like me. I hate to hurt peoples feelings especially if I had a situation like yours happen. Perhaps you should sit down and talk to him? Ask him what he is getting out of the relationship and tell him your concerns.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you say/do? HELP!
K


YES! Before I met Tim, actually! Very similar circumstances - it was much too soon after the failure of my marriage to a very 'not nice' man and I jumped into something too quickly because this other person (six years younger) was nice, gave me attention, told me I was wonderful/beautiful/smart/funny/etc. Oh! And he moved from the east coast to be here with me in the midwest :o

The best advice I can give you is to follow the Nike ad - just do it. It's unpleasant, he won't like it... but you'll get through it. And I cannot tell you how much better you'll feel once you have it behind you.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. And best of luck!



p.s. remember these words :) :

http://www.jdsports.co.uk/uploads/info/2535_Ecard-sml-JDI.gif

Yikes I just typed out this LOOOOOOOONG reply to everyone, got tied up on the phone with my daughter's doctor, and when I hit 'submit' it went poof!

So I'll try again.

First of all thanks everyone.

I have thought a lot about each and every one of your responses.

Mrs. Hedgehog, I will probably message you later. Thanks for sharing your similar experience. Did you dread telling him SO much that you put it off? I find myself doing that.

Sheila, I think a counselor may help. I stated that I didn't love him, but your questions made me think; what would my life be without him? Am I asking for too much in a partner? Am I just a giver upper? Can this work?

He doesn't mind when I do things with other people. In fact I've gone hiking and to the shore with male friends, and he doesn't put up too much of a fuss.

Strwbrries, I agree about financing his trip back home should he decide to move back. When he moved here we split the expenses, but this is my decision, not his.

He makes about $11/hour and works full time, has a car payment and lots of credit card debt. I'm a teacher but I also have a part-time job. I have a house with a mortgage and two kids in college.

He does give me $80 a week and splits groceries, so he is helping out as best he can.

Oh what a mess. I wrote a lot more before, but I have to go and work on my 2nd floor apartment. My mom died 2 1/2 years ago I've been working on getting my 2nd floor apartment ready to rent.

Thanks everyone. I will talk to him. Not today. I'm not even sure what to say anymore.

Mrs. HH, I will PM you when I get back on. Thanks again.
K