619jnr 07-22-2007, 05:17 PM Over the past few months i have fallen in love with a fellow work colleague, she is 32 and I am 22, she has 2 children and is due to get married in september to her boyfriend of 7 years who is 44. I first told her how I felt two weeks ago and told her i was in love with her. We go out occasionally together for a drink but nothing has ever happened between us. However early last week she sent me a text message saying "As you don't want a real one XXX" and it completely caught me off guard I said why did you text me that and she said she shouldn't have as she shouldn't even be thinking about doing that as she is due to get married. However we decided we had to sit down together and discuss how we felt and this evening we did, at first she said it couldn't happen because of the age gap however the guy she is marrying is 12 years older then her! I told her how I felt and she admited to me she has feelings for me. However I think she is too scared to do anything about it cause she will hurt to many peoples feelings if we got together what do i do?
Harrison 07-22-2007, 05:33 PM There is a time and a place to approach an older woman... This is not the time.
You could wind up being shot or beaten to a pulp. :eek: Trust me, there are TONS of single or separated older ladies who'd be willing to start something with an attractive 22-year-old dude.
Find one of them, and be safe.
Good luck,
Harrison
Over the past few months i have fallen in love with a fellow work colleague, she is 32 and I am 22, she has 2 children and is due to get married in september to her boyfriend of 7 years who is 44. I first told her how I felt two weeks ago and told her i was in love with her. We go out occasionally together for a drink but nothing has ever happened between us. However early last week she sent me a text message saying "As you don't want a real one XXX" and it completely caught me off guard I said why did you text me that and she said she shouldn't have as she shouldn't even be thinking about doing that as she is due to get married. However we decided we had to sit down together and discuss how we felt and this evening we did, at first she said it couldn't happen because of the age gap however the guy she is marrying is 12 years older then her! I told her how I felt and she admited to me she has feelings for me. However I think she is too scared to do anything about it cause she will hurt to many peoples feelings if we got together what do i do?
Tough situation, but she's been with her boyfriend for seven years. Probably the best thing you can do for her is to back off and let her be. She's got two kids to think of and this 44 year old that is willing to provide for the three of them. And from the way your post reads, her 2 children are fathered by someone other than her boyfriend. Please give her space and don't encourage her to cheat on her fiance. You've caused her some confusion and maybe she was already nervous about the marriage ceremony and all the details that go with it.
I'm sorry that you fell in love with a woman that already has a man in her life, but there are plenty of other women out there who are completely single. Your declaration of love to her was not a fair thing for you to do since she's getting married in September. This is not a movie, this is real life. Think of her two kids who probably really like this guy and are already thinking of him as a father figure. And think how you would feel if some guy was trying to poach your woman. What you are doing is not cool at all.
Rozie 07-22-2007, 10:22 PM Look, this is her dilemma. Don't make it yours! Harrison is right; you are toying with fire. If she has cold feet and isn't sure she wants to be with this guy, you need to let her come to that conclusion without complicating matters. Don't answer her calls or text messages. Cut her off!
earl_wh 07-22-2007, 10:42 PM If this guy has been her boyfriend for 7 years and they still haven't gotten married, there was obviously SOME ambivalence on somebody's part, and there obviously still is some ambivalence on her part -- apparently a lot of it, in fact. Maybe I'm projecting because it's what happened with my first marriage, but a lot of people get married after long courtships more out of inertia than anything else. I fervently wish somebody had come along and convinced either my ex-wife or me not to go through with it, because it's a lot easier to back out BEFORE a marriage that's a mistake than after it happens, because when we decided to split up, it turned out that we had both had SERIOUS second thoughts going into the marriage, but figured it was too late to reveal them to each other or to our families.
I definitely WOULDN'T suggest trying to convince her to go to bed with you or anything like that until such time as she is out of her current relationship, but I think the best thing you could do, as a friend, would be to have a serious conversation with her about what her reactions to you say about whether this marriage is right, and whether she is really SURE she wants to go through with the marriage. It might be the biggest favor anybody ever did for her, whether or not the two of you end up getting together.
And don't believe that "everybody gets cold feet." Everybody DOESN'T get cold feet when a marriage is really right. Neither my current wife nor I ever had any doubts before the marriage, and I know that I haven't had any in the subsequent 30 years. And by the way, a 10 year age gap is really nothing.
Baglady 07-23-2007, 12:04 AM You really don't want this woman. Maybe you think you do now, but she's an heartache waiting to happen. She'll crush you. She hasn't a real strong commitment gene or much character either.
I've said this before somewhere on here, but it's a tough lesson I learned from my ex-husband and if it might save someone some heartache, I'll keep repeating it: When you marry a person who cheats on their partner, you get a person who cheats on their partner.
You've also heard the saying, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going?" Well when the going gets tough on someone who's short on character and integrity, they don't just get going, THEY LEAVE, BAIL, RUN and/or DITCH and they rarely do it with any regard for others, just themselves. All relationships get tough at one time or another, whether they're age gap or not.
She's a loser.
Elizabeth B 07-23-2007, 03:13 AM She's a loser.
Wow, I think thats harsh. She's a loser? I think that all of us on ageless know that things aren't often black or white.
Were all human, none of us are perfect, I find that really judgemental. She hasn't even cheated on her partner, just expressed some feelings.
She wouldn't be the first person to be in an unhappy relationship and not really realise it until they meet someone new. I'm not saying its right, and cheating is certainly not the way to go. But you only live once and maybe if this guy isn't right for her its better she finds out now rather then after she marries him!
Inahnia 07-23-2007, 09:30 AM Hmmm...I'm of two minds here. I tend to agree that ever telling her in the first place was a bad idea, and you should have run away in the beginning, but now that the damage is done I tend to agree with earl. DON"T sleep with here, or touch her, but maybe a serious conversation where you ask here to seriously examine her motives and feelings isn't out of line. I, too, know of several people who would have been well-served by backing out of their weddings before it was too late. After that conversation, I would most definitely reccommend backing completely out of the picture and leaving her to her decisions. You don't want to be the lily-pad she is jumping to if she decides to end the seven year thing.
If the above advice is too hard to do, (the leaving her completely alone after the conversation part), then I would side with the others who say just get the heck out NOW. She obviously has issues that she needs to work on, and however things go, YOU don't need a woman who is that conflicted concerning love and commitment!
Baglady 07-23-2007, 10:27 AM She's a loser.
Wow, I think thats harsh. She's a loser? I think that all of us on ageless know that things aren't often black or white.
Were all human, none of us are perfect, I find that really judgemental. She hasn't even cheated on her partner, just expressed some feelings.
She wouldn't be the first person to be in an unhappy relationship and not really realise it until they meet someone new. I'm not saying its right, and cheating is certainly not the way to go. But you only live once and maybe if this guy isn't right for her its better she finds out nor rather then after she marries him!
Yeah, I agree. I AM harsh and judgmental of these situations. I have lived with and loved someone like that woman. People who can't be straight with their emotions and feelings for others - DON'T change. It's a personality disorder; a character flaw. They destroy lives with their inability to totally commit one way or the other.
That woman has been in a relationship for 7 years. If it hasn't been a good one, why the hell has she kept it going for 7 years? Now she's planning a wedding??? and contemplating an affair?? SHE IS A LOSER.
619jnr 07-23-2007, 10:46 AM cheers for all the advice i actually forgot to say she was going to marry this man several years ago but got cold feet the first time.
Have you even met her two children yet? How old are they and who is their dad?
And why do you love her?
Rozie 07-23-2007, 12:13 PM If this guy has been her boyfriend for 7 years and they still haven't gotten married, there was obviously SOME ambivalence on somebody's part, and there obviously still is some ambivalence on her part -- apparently a lot of it, in fact. Maybe I'm projecting because it's what happened with my first marriage, but a lot of people get married after long courtships more out of inertia than anything else. I fervently wish somebody had come along and convinced either my ex-wife or me not to go through with it, because it's a lot easier to back out BEFORE a marriage that's a mistake than after it happens, because when we decided to split up, it turned out that we had both had SERIOUS second thoughts going into the marriage, but figured it was too late to reveal them to each other or to our families.
You know Earl, I actually agree with everything you've said here, but unfortunately, this YM is not coming at this from the standpoint of a longstanding friend and will be percieved as a competator and really could put himself in harms way. This woman needs to get her act together.
MY YM and I had a discussion the other night about a friend of his who tends to be interested in women who are already spoken for. His take is someday this guy will end up making eyes at the wrong woman and guys should just stay at arms length with women who already have men in their lives. I have to agree.
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