How Many years is too many?

Hello Everyone...

I have been a member for awhile but haven't had a need to post much as I've been single :)

The YM that brought me here broke my heart big time (not because he was younger but just plain not a truthful person) and I have been happily single every since.

Well I play an online game and met a younger male about 7 months ago now online. I had pretty much decided to give up on men in general after my heart break. So when we started hanging out I was completely myself, I wasn't trying to impress him or make him like me or anything. I know we should always be "ourselves" but sometimes you don't let it all "hang out" right away :)

Anyways, he always seemed to be there to talk to in the beginning and we would talk every day and play and laugh and just have fun. Well the days have turned into months and somewhere during the "course of playtime" we started doing voice chat while we played over the computer. So now we were playing and talking a LOT. He's in college and has quite a lot of free time, so when I wasn't working he would be available to talk to and such.

Well I went back to school and was working and didn't have a chance to play my game much..SO we started with phone conversations and text messaging.

OK so now that u have a "little" background this is the situation. When we started talking I told myself I would never ever get involved with someone so young. He's 19 and I'm 37, and we pretty much stuck to that "way of thinking" for about 7 months now, lol. But, things have changed.

He's 19 (almost 20) years old, has had girlfriend's but not alot, is a virgin and the most amazing person I have ever met. He makes me feel so cared for it is unreal. We talk everyday at least 3 or 4 times (unless i have a day off and we sit online half the day talking)..we have a lot of things in common as far as things we like to do, etc.. We have talked about it and talked about it and at first we were like man, how unfair is it that we have to be so far apart in age, now he's thinking it shouldn't matter and I"m not sure what I think.

The ONLY thing that is a concern between us is the big AG. He wants to take things to the next level and has told me that relationships can work with big age differences but I am "freaking out"!

Has anyone ever had a successful relationship with someone so much younger?

Um...that's only 18 years by my count. The same as me and my husband. So, yes, it can work. :yes:

My caveat is only that he is still very young, (See the "rules to relationships with VYM" thread) although, there are several folks here who began their relationships when the younger partner was that young. I am sure they will offer some of their wisdom as soon as they see this post. :)

Umm . . . yeah . . what Inahnia said. You might also want to explore the hesitancy you are feeling.

Hiya!

Yep making it work happily everyday! I am 39 and my dh, 2+ yrs, is 22. We met in an online game over 4 years ago when he was 18 and I was 36. He also had, had a couple of not too serious g/fs and was a virgin. I was a divorced mom of 4.

You bet it can work!

Hmm, Im 35 and Fiance is 22. We met when he was 20. The age gap isnt a big thing really if youre both ok with it. For me the roadblock would be his virginity.

Thankfully for me Fiance had a few experiences under his belt, more than me actually so I dont have the insecurity of " if he sleeps with me what if he then starts to wonder what other women are like since he never experienced anyone else." thing.

Well I say good luck with your budding relationship and take care! It can work with a younger man it really just depends on how mature he is already.

Yeah it can. We were 19 and 35 and were together for almost eight years. It didn't work out in the end, but not really due to age-gap stuff and 5 of those years were absolutely great and I wouldn't have missed them for the world. And we're still friends (most of the time - lol).

Worth taking a chance on?

Absolutely!

My bf and I have a 21 yr gap. We met online in a chat room when he was what is called a VYM. We have been together 4 years out of those, living together 1 1/2.

All relationships no matter the age involve risk of heartbreak. He is indeed very young but you are not too old yourself and looking at your picture you seem very attractive. I would give it a chance.

Yes, I think these relationships can work if both involved are committed to its success. The requirements for success are no different just because one's age is younger/older.

Some of us are in longterm relationships and others are in happy marriages. I consider all of them successful. But, what matters is what do you think since you will be the one in it?

Obviously, for as many relationships that do work out there are just as many you could stack that didn't work out, so only you can gauge if this guy is worth taking the risk.

If you do choose to start a relationship do not allow him the cop out of 'his age' to excuse bad behavior. Being young is never an excuse for treating you poorly. I would read over the thread, Rules to Relationships With VYM (http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?t=24139), to see some common issues those of us in the relationship have noticed.

My personal story has an almost exact set-up as Marcy's. We met playing an online game (Everquest) when he was 18 and I was 32. I was divorced with 3 kids and he was inexperienced with love.

We struggled getting treated fairly and our main issue was my children. They thought it was wrong for their mom to date someone closer in age to them than me. Over time my children began to accept the relationship and now they are close with my fiancé.

And, yes, I understand the fear of him being a virgin. I think it's one many of us have felt in similar situations. But, I've come to realize that if that is all it would take to make him cheat then I call shenanigans because it's a pretty lame and cheap excuse that can be scaled up/down at one's discretion. Surely I am entitled to a few more samples since I've only had 2 at 34? I would be more embarrassed that I actually slept with someone like this. I may even be so inclined to permanently implant my foot up his arse on his way out the door. (I'm 5'9"...so I have big feet, it would leave a lasting impression! :bgrin2:)

I realized with time most of these issues stopped being a big deal once I stopped allowing it to be a big deal. Yes, I have my moments of doubt, but I realize they are internal fears, nothing my fiancé has done.

We have been together 2 1/2 years and are preparing for our daughter's fast approaching first birthday (August!). I can't believe how fast the time has gone.

So, yeah, I consider us pretty successful. :yes:

Let us know what you decide.

I'm new to this site because of a relationship that developed with my ym 18 and I'm 38. Its only been 2 mths but we have already discussed many issues relating to the age gap. ANY relationship is going to take work, and it will work as long as they both are willing to put forth the effort. When I was about 10 yrs old, I use to ask elderly couples that had been together forever what their secret was. I got many responses, but one I remembered to this day. Both husband and wife said that it is like a job, you have to keep working at it each day. If you wake up day after day and call in sick, you won't have a job any longer. Not that a relationship is a "job", but you have to keep working at it to make it work.

My ym and I care very much about each other and are willing to do our best to make it work despite the age gap and everyone's criticism. Each challenge brought to us, we work through it together. And yes, in 2 mths we've already worked through many challenges. We are able to talk about any thing and that's very important to me. When we're together, I don't see the age gap and neither does he.

Hang in there and give it a chance!!! Its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

Well thank you to everyone who has responded :)

and yes I agree I need to explore my own hesitancy..I dont think it's "age related" as much as getting my heart broken again...But your all right if you don't give it a chance you never will know!

Too big a gap? Nope, ours is the same. 18 years is quite common here, and there's plenty with bigger gaps. Keep your eye on the keychains at the bottom of peoples posts because that signifies how many years the gap is.

24 year age gap here. He is 25 I am 49. Married over 2 years, together a total of 7, romantically almost 5. He was a virgin. We are VERY happy, and it gets better every year.

My advise is to take it slow and enjoy getting to know each other. We were friends (co-workers) for 2 years, romantic for the next 3 (I had to get used to idea of a much younger man, as this was my first age-gap relationship and I had lots of doubts), and then we decided to make the ultimate commitment, and love being married. NO reason to rush it.

But yes, it can work with large age gaps.

Nandara

24 year age gap here! Happily in love one year!!! Go for it!

I'm sure I'm going to be the lone naysayer here...but just to give an opposite point of view...my exym was 20 years younger than I was. It was the worst mistake of my life. We had next to nothing in common...he was manipulative and mentally ill...granted the last two had nothing to do with the agegap but I think the age difference exacerbated things. As you can see, most large gaps can work out, but I know that I'm not the only person around here who was in a wide agegap and suffered for it. They don't all work out. After I broke it off with exym I determined that I would never date anybody less than 10 years younger than myself and I haven't, both men I dated after that were five years younger than me and the last one took me out of the dating pool entirely (yay!!). I think things work for the best if you have something in common with the person you're with and sometimes the age gap prohibits that.

Believe me, it can work.....it's scary at times, but you learn to just love him and not worry about what others think. I have a "29" year age gap...me 53 and him 24....talk about scary!!!:yes:

Our age gap isn't as much as yours, but I met my OH when he was 18 and I was 29, again via an online game. We were also in different countries, 660 miles apart.

He was also a virgin, he assures me that he is happy that the person he lost his virginity to is the "one" for him and he has no hankerings to go and experiment, as the way he sees it he is in love with me so what could compete with making love to the person you are in love with.

It was a big deal at the time, I was worried about it a lot, but it turned out to be a beautiful experience and one that I am glad we shared.

Now we have been living together for a year and are engaged to be married, I could not be happier. He is a wonderful, intelligent, caring, funny, mature (yet silly!) man and we are crazy about each other!

Go with your heart and don't turn down a wonderful thing because of unfounded worries.

Yup, even bigger than yours, our gap is 28 years, and we're at 6 years and counting.

We also met online, playing a game, he also was a virgin, who'd had a couple of minor girlfriends, and had made the choice to wait till he had sex, till he honestly could say he loved someone.

Meeting someone that young, at 45, in person, was the single bravest, scariest thing I ever did in my life.

And we still make out, and tell each other I love you, and touch every time we walk by each other.

It's scary when you're getting started. But even if it doesn't last forever, I wouldn't have given up this time with him for anything.

Nearly a 16 year gap here and we've been happily together for more than 4 years (married for 2.5)!

25 year gap happy together for over 4 years and happily married for 1.5 years!

I adore my hubby!

Maybe like 100 years age gap would be too much....:p

love
sora

i think it all comes down to what you like and what you are comftable with

from a YM viewpoint: i started dating my OW when i was 18 and she was 34 and while she technically wasn't the one i lost my virginity to, she was the first one that i *consented* to being with that way, so it was my spiritual virginity

in that regard i have no regrets nor do i ever want to be with anyone other than my wife, nor do i feel i was ever missing out on anything

but as far as the prefrence thing goes, the question of "how much is too much of an age gap" it depends on what YOU are comftable with, for me i find mid-to-late 30's to be the "perfect" age but others may disagree

theres no wrong answer to this question

A 23 year age gap here and I don't think that I could handle one that was larger. My YM and I love each other very much and I don't want him to be alone in his later years and sometimes we is sad about that.

My Hubby & I just celebrated our 6th Wedding Anniversary. He is 37. I am 58. We are very much in love, soul mates, & BEST friends! Life is too short to worry about what age you are or he is. Live life to the fullest. You never know when your ticket expires!

I was engage once to a guy who was 12 years younger than I. That's as far as I will go. Although I'm not sure I would say it works with a big gap, but I see many striving to make it work. 1-5 years of working it doesn't cut it for me...you can make car payments and make it work for that long.

And basically, most people here are healthy, young looking ,still sexually active. That beautiful, breezy, covergirl look is very much in evident. I believe the real test to such huge gaps will be once we enter the senior citizen status...the AARP/retired status. We don't have too many of those here and we really don't want to look at things that far for fear of what we'll see, but it is at that point that the "soulmate" we like to use alot will come into play.

Plus I have nothing in common with an 18 yr old and love the experience, intelligience, and with of an older younger man brings to the table. I dont' want to put anyone through school, wait until he's establishes his career, or put myself on hold waiting for him to catch up which he never will and I don't want to play the insecure card and make him and me crazy over it. Or bring contention to his or my family. So guys in their 30s suit me better.

But everone has to be comfortable with who they're with, this is just my meter. It doesn't mean it is written in stone, give or take 2/3 years, but I just don't feel the need to have to work so hard on a relationship just because I'm in love and want it to work. I want it to flourish and grow and not hide it in the corner. This is just me.

Paris

I am new to this support group and need a little validation! I am 60 and ym is 31...so 29 years age gap. We have known each other for about 1 1/2 years...worked together and when he left - we both realized that we REALLY missed each other and that our feelings were worth exploring. We have only been talking about a possible romantic relationship over the phone and emails, but have not ventured out together for friends and family to know what is going on. No physical contact yet. Any advice? One of my main concerns is growing older and being a burden (he says it does not concern him) and also a fear of being "left," should I become ill or something. Actually I am healthy, but I am sure you understand what I mean. Any advice for me? I appreciate your time. There is no one for me to talk to about this!

I am new to this support group and need a little validation! I am 60 and ym is 31...so 29 years age gap. We have known each other for about 1 1/2 years...worked together and when he left - we both realized that we REALLY missed each other and that our feelings were worth exploring. We have only been talking about a possible romantic relationship over the phone and emails, but have not ventured out together for friends and family to know what is going on. No physical contact yet. Any advice? One of my main concerns is growing older and being a burden (he says it does not concern him) and also a fear of being "left," should I become ill or something. Actually I am healthy, but I am sure you understand what I mean. Any advice for me? I appreciate your time. There is no one for me to talk to about this!

I'm 47 and my guy is 20. I don't know if it's "successful" or not yet. There are some issues at the moment, although I do feel a strong love for him, and he seems to have the same for me consistently. So I'll not speak as giving advice to that part of your question.

I can tell you I have had the experience of being internet friends for about 9 months, and then having face to face time of living in the same "real world" place for about another 8 months of being engaged before marrying the guy only 8 years younger than me (who nobody could tell was younger and often thought was older than me).

I got sick suddenly after our first face to face meeting (that was a week long meeting). Wait that sounds like he made me sick. Let me rephrase that. I met him first online, and had only email and phone communication. Then he came to my state to look for work and he stayed a week. After hanging out with me for that week, he went home and told his parents he had met their future daughter-in-law. About a month later maybe, he asked me to marry him and I found so many great qualities about him (and his family) so that I considered it, but having already had my heart broken so many times in the past, and especially by my first husband in a really terrible first marriage, I was afraid of getting married again. I was sufficiently able to get over my fears because of all the investigating I had done into him, his family, and friends so that I agreed to marry him. About a month after that, I got very very ill and did not recover for a very very long time. I had to quit work because of the disability it created. It's a life long, chronic condition that has no cure. I gave my fiance several opportunities to be out of the relationship, especially because of the news about the medical condition.

Well he just said, "Look, if you had gotten sick AFTER we had gotten married I wouldn't leave you then, would I? And I'm not going to leave you before we get married either - I love you!" So I went ahead with the plans to be married, and he was there for me night and day, helping with the kids and all. He would go out sometimes at 3 am if he thought of something that he could get at the all night drug store that might possibly help me feel better.

That really endeared me to him even more. We got married about oh... about a year and a half after our very first email introduction to each other. We had a GREAT marriage for a few years. I can remember walking around often smiling and thanking God for the blessing.

It all changed drastically. Partially, the change was due to the effects that anti-depressants have on some individuals, he being one of them. It created a situation where he was out of control of himself. He wasn't able to take care of me and I wasn't really being allowed to take care of him either. He went home to his parents. Eventually, he admitted to me that he never really did want to marry me AFTER I HAD GOTTEN SICK. He just was afraid of hurting me by backing out of the engagement. He was also afraid to divorce me for the same reason. He did eventually divorce me though.

So, it doesn't matter if you are in an age gap relationship (I don't consider that one anymore to be an age gap - just 8 years difference). It doesn't matter if you've done your homework and done all kinds of investigations on a person. It doesn't matter if you've spent quality face time together. It doesn't even matter how old you are when you get sick.

It can happen that a partner may stick with you, and the person may NOT stick with you. All you can do is take the risk and hope for the best.

I have great memories of the first few years of my marriage to that man. I do not regret them at all. I am unhappy that he left me and left me in a really bad financial bind and having to struggle completely on my own with my disability. But I don't regret the good years AT ALL.

I am new to this support group and need a little validation! I am 60 and ym is 31...so 29 years age gap. We have known each other for about 1 1/2 years...worked together and when he left - we both realized that we REALLY missed each other and that our feelings were worth exploring. We have only been talking about a possible romantic relationship over the phone and emails, but have not ventured out together for friends and family to know what is going on. No physical contact yet. Any advice? One of my main concerns is growing older and being a burden (he says it does not concern him) and also a fear of being "left," should I become ill or something. Actually I am healthy, but I am sure you understand what I mean. Any advice for me? I appreciate your time. There is no one for me to talk to about this!
I am only 48 and have been with my YM for only 3 years. And he plans to be with me until the end, and I would love for that to happen. And I also worry about being a future burden to him. Once he joked that if I became infirm, he would make sure that I could be mobile, even if he had to carry me himself. So occasionally, I will get a silly look in my eyes and say that I can't wait to be carried around, then he gets a mock scared look on his face and says that it concerns him that I am too eager to be carried around.

Anyway, it does weigh on my mind and my plan is to have enough savings set aside so that I would not be a financial burden on him later on. And probably this spurs me to be extra helpful to him in terms of his developing career path, although I would do it anyway because I love him. Otherwise, I don't fear my YM ever leaving me because I was too old and decrepit as he feels (and I agree) that we make a great couple combination and there isn't a better match for either of us. We talk about an afterlife of being free souls traveling the universe together and that if one of us leaves life first, we will meet on the rings of Saturn. We actually discussed this online before ever meeting face to face and while being best friends and not a romantic couple. And I have said that since I will likely be the one to depart first, I would try very hard to be his guardian angel and protector, but also that it would be okay for him to love another woman. That part made him cry and then me. But he is a wonderful man and I wouldn't want to see him alone for any length of time. *sigh* Now I am a little teary eyed. But life is all about the cycles of birth and death, and the ebb and flow of the tides.

At 60, you should have many good years left. I hope that you are in good health and that longevity runs in your family. You are a good unselfish person for looking out for the best interests of your YM friend. I guess plan your finances as if you were going to always be single and independent (which is the responsible thing for you to do anyway), but follow your heart. And if you do marry your YM, still maintain your retirement nest egg and resist any urges to use it for anything else. Do you own your own house? If so, I would recommend having a prenup signed in order to protect what you've accumulated so far in life. This may sound selfish and unsharing, but if things don't work out with him, at least at 31, your YM has plenty of time and energy to make his own money and way in life.

It CAN work...that of course doesn't mean it necessarily will. It's the same with any relationship..you let loose of your heart, you take a risk.

Just take the age out of the quotient all together when evaluating if you want to get to know someone. If he is someone you find interesting, attractive, feel a bond with...etc, you shouldn't let the age stop you. I've had my heart broke a couple times by people my own age, but I certainly would not rule out dating someone my own age, or older or whatever because of it.

My s/o was 18 when we started dating, and I was..32. We've been together over 6-1/2 years, and I don't really feel we have had any more OR less problems due to the age gap. In fact, very few issues we have had have even been related to our different ages, but just who we are as people in general and our different views on things that have to be worked out in any relationship...like raising or children..or apparently on how often the lawn needs to be mowed..LOL.

I second what Jo-Admin said. As with any other relationship, it may or may not work. It's all down to how well you fit together. Personally, I believe some people are meant for eachother. If you and your YM are made for eachother, in your opinion, then I'll say go for it :p

Me and my girlfriend (Hao, on this forum) have the same AG as you and you're YM. 18 years age gap, I'm 18 and she's 36 (she only recently told me her real age. I believed that she was 23 the whole time *chuckles*), and we're meeting for the first time in 4 days!^^

Anyways, I want to wish you good luck, and remember to keep us updated on how it goes. I'll be keeping an eye on you for future news! :p

Haraio,

I want an update after you meet! Please :)