Is age really the issue here?

Morning Peoples, I know I have been quiet lately after my short lived I know not what (which by the way is still simmering on the back burner) but I have been reading and following many of your highs and lows and I have come to the conclusion that in most cases age doesn't factor into the equation. Insecurities, emotional baggage, lack of commitment, sexual conquest, lack of family support, etc can follow us around no matter what our age and age gap. These aren't endemic to AGR and it is amazing the there are those around (not in here) that seem to think they are. Do you think this is the case, that most of the time the problems have nothing to do with the age gap, it wouldn't matter if you were born on the same day, they would probably still exist depending on the person or do you really think AGRs suffer more simply because of that?

You raise a good point. We all are or have been in relationships with consenting adults. The problems you mention are definitely not age related and some people never mature and get better in terms of being a good partner. However, the reason we joined this message board is because we are in age gap relationships. Then, there are not too many here that are in same age relationships. So you are misinterpreting the data in that way.

Some problems are age related and some are not.
In my case, I do believe that our ages did contribute to our pending divorce after 5 years together.
I can't help going through some hormonal changes and he, I could see it, was going through the pre-thirty mind set that all of us go through at some point during our late twenties.
Can two people overcome the problems? Yes, in our case though.......we just didn't or couldn't.
I couldn't live with an A**hole and he couldn't help being one :eek:
For the most part, I do believe that all of us and who we love are different and it is up to those two people to hang in there through any adversity.....age related or not.
Blessings, TD

It's true that a lot of issues would exist irrespective of ages of partners (providing both are adults).

However, I am in a relationship in which there are issues that are DEFINITELY related to an age gap. And they are pretty big to me. It's difficult to deal with sometimes, it really is.

there are age gap relationships that work out fine and there are ones that don't, same as there are same age relationshps that can go either way, i don't think it's so much about the age as it is where the other person is in life, remember a 40 year old can be immature and a 20 year old can be mature, it all depends on our experiences in life

now as far as family not giving support i have been there, i don't think thats really an issue unless you make it one, i have very little contact with my biological family since all they bring is negativity and me nor my wife really don't need that

i think it all comes down to, if 2 people are too diffrent to be a couple then they are too diffrent, it doesn't matter what their ages are

You raise a good point. We all are or have been in relationships with consenting adults. The problems you mention are definitely not age related and some people never mature and get better in terms of being a good partner. However, the reason we joined this message board is because we are in age gap relationships. Then, there are not too many here that are in same age relationships. So you are misinterpreting the data in that way.

Mui I think you misunderstood, I did say the lack of support/ understanding was not in here. I was mearly trying to find out if age really played such a big part in problems or would they be endemic to a person not an age, perhaps I didn't explain myself very well?

Maybe I didn't answer so well. lol. I guess what I was trying to say is that in general, the ages/age differences of my partners wasn't a factor in any issues that I had in my relationships. The guys that I dated acted consistent to their individual personalities. They were the same people all their lives. In general, I find people very consistent and what I learned is that you can't go into a friendship or relationship and think that you can make them better company to be with.

In my case he said it was age that was the problem but I'm not sure if that was really it. He said he noticed people giving us funny looks (13 yr gap), but others didn't realize there was a gap. The day I finally met his mother she told me I shouldn't worry about the gap. She said she was surprised he had problem with it.

I know he has committment issues in general but he did once admit that if we were closer in age he would consider a future with me. As for me, I felt pressure trying to look young for a very handsome young man. I am hearbroken, but hey, the pressure's off.


The way I look at it now is . . . I'm smart, I'm beautiful, and I've got nothin' to lose.

In my opinion, yes and no.

Age can be a factor, when you take into account life experiences, maturity, personal growth. Dating younger men can be an issue because it takes some men longer to "grow up" than others. Take my ex-wife's first husband. Hes in his mid thirties, and he has yet to truly grow up. He has a 7 year old daughter, is terrible father, still overly attached to his mother (their whole family is kind of strange in that way), and overall a pathetic excuse for a human being.

Also, being with someone who has experienced more in life can cause tension, I do speak from personal experience. I always felt somewhat intimidated by all the things my exwife had done in her life, shes trilingual, shes traveled through europe, and is in general an incredible person.

And in some other ways, its simply he fact that such an age difference is somehow still considered taboo. My exwife and I experienced prejudices in the time we were together, and that at times made things difficult for both of us.

Why society looks down on such things baffles me. Why its ok for an older man to go chasing after young girls, but when an older woman is seen with a younger man, somethings not right about it. I just dont get it.

I'm having an ADD night so forgive me for not reading everyone's posts! :p

On the subject of the thread, though, here're my two cents:

I agree. Most relationship issues described here don't seem to have much to do with an age gap at all.

That said, however, there *are* times when (in my own marriage, anyway) I do notice that the age gap presents unique challenges. Example: after making the pilgrimage around the sun 40-something years, there are certain things that I have just learned in life and they're not always things I care to revisit. Obviously, my husband, at 26 hasn't had some of those experiences and he needs to walk through them himself. Do I think this is fun? :no: Have I made the commitment to walk through them again anyway because I love him? :yes:

I am more focused, more organized, more professionally driven and more secure about my marketability than he is. That's the stuff that (hopefully) comes with age and maturity. *shrugs* Anyone here who knows me can tell you I'm cool with my husband right where he's at and I don't expect him to act like he's in his 40s until he gets there himself. I should know more about life than he does - I've been living it nearly 16 years longer than he has. God help me if I haven't learned a thing or two in those extra years I've got under my belt!

I concluded a long time ago that relationships are hard. They say they're not supposed to be if things are right.....but that hasn't been my experience. So perhaps things have never been right.

But I've been in love, and loved back, and I can only conclude that that's right.

Age gap was a major factor in my most serious age gap relationship, but I don't think it would have worked out even if we'd been the same age.

I think all the issues you mentioned can and indeed do happen in relationships that have no age gap, however for some of us it just adds extra pressure, i.e. insecurities about aging, fertile years etc etc and when you combine some of these things with a ym that perhaps has a commitment phobia or is slightly worried about being with an older woman then 'bang' trouble from the off!

Personally for me initially with my ym I was the one worried about my age, but when I fell in love with him it ceased to matter, and I don't think my age really mattered to him, he generally has problems getting close to me and giving some of himself.

Some points come to mind in regard to the question. First, yes, there is definitely more "pressure" on women, and maybe on men, too, to look younger for the younger partner. I think this comes directly from the fact that we still live in a primarily patriarchial society, which is the reason why it is "taboo" for women to be with younger partners, and not as taboo for men. If you look into history and find examples of matriarchial societies, you will also find that older women chose younger partners, and even had multiple husbands in some cases. It's all about who's "in charge" in the prevailing mentality.

Also, there are differences that will be encountered in regard to "life experiences" that are age-related, for example, the "mid-life crisis" we all experience at certain points in our lives, as well as hormonal shifts that come with age. In themselves, those shouldn't be insurmountable if the people involved are mature and really love each other enough to allow change.

Other than those points, the rest of the compatiblility issue rests with the individuals involved.

I know he has committment issues in general but he did once admit that if we were closer in age he would consider a future with me. As for me, I felt pressure trying to look young for a very handsome young man. I am hearbroken, but hey, the pressure's off.

The way I look at it now is . . . I'm smart, I'm beautiful, and I've got nothin' to lose.

I think you hit it on the nail here, cindee. When relationships don't workout in the longrun, but certain conditional situations are allowed to continue (e.g. I will sleep with you, but there can be no future or I can't marry you, but we can live together, etc.), it's usually about a commitment issue. These people might even purposefully seek out or gravitate toward partners who has some trait that they will use as a reason to not go further with them. (e.g. age gap, wrong religion, race, etc.) It's easier emotionally to leave someone who one has psychologically decided is not in the running as a life time partner, it's also easier to explain it to other people--it sounds like a logical, valid reason.

The danger when entering an age gap, however, is determining the intentions of the partner. That's true for any relationship--you never know initially what they are truly after, so it's best not to rush. Also, I think it's wise to explore one's own motives/intentions for entering an age gap. As an OW, it certainly can be flattering to have the attention of a much younger man who happens to be very handsome. We have to look in the mirror and honestly ask ourselves what the totem pole of attraction is for us...sometimes it's hard to face the raw truth, but the more we do so, the less we will feel like victims. We have to ask ourselves: Do I REALLY love him for the right reasons? Or do I love what he represents to me?

I've had a crush on a man 20 years my junior (I just turned 48). We are platonic right now but there has always been this chemistry in the air (at least for me). When I began to feel attracted to him (we've known each other close to three years), I used to think "What would a young handsome man like him want with an old lady like me!?" But lately, I've gotten to know him much better and there are things...quirks in his personality...that I don't really like. That doesn't mean I don't like him overall--we can't love everything about a person--but I've been feeling different about him...although I still care and find him attractive. I'm sorting these feelings out right now. I think it's good because I see him in a more realistic light--not just as a handsome young man. Ironically, he has been friendlier than ever during this time when I feel I have backed off a bit.

I can't help going through some hormonal changes and he, I could see it, was going through the pre-thirty mind set that all of us go through at some point during our late twenties.


So what exactly IS this mindset.

It seems like we're supposed to go through a number of stages... early 20's (up to 25), late 20's (pre-30), then there's the mid-30's that people often site as being a turning point for men, and THEN middle-age crisis.

You know what, with all this you women just have no chance at all.

When I turned 25 it was like a light bulb went on in my head. "DING!" and I looked back and assessed what I had accomplished thus far. Then I cried...all day.

When I turned 30 the same light bulb went on and I again assessed my life and realized that I wasnt where I wanted to be and that everything was going wrong. I got divorced after much heartache but it was the right decision for the right reason.

Now Im 35 and my mother tells me that Im due for another "Ding moment" when I start approaching 40.

I have spoken to friends of different ages and mostly all have had their "ding" moments at different times in their lives but it seems to come once a decade.

Maybe its human nature, or maybe its moments of clarity that come with maturity.

I do know that I have tried to explain it to my fiance who is 22 and he didnt understand it because he hasnt been through it yet, but he looks forward to his first ding and I look forward to telling him...I told you so. :p

Insecurities, emotional baggage, lack of commitment, sexual conquest, lack of family support, etc can follow us around no matter what our age and age gap. These aren't endemic to AGR and it is amazing the there are those around (not in here) that seem to think they are. Do you think this is the case, that most of the time the problems have nothing to do with the age gap, it wouldn't matter if you were born on the same day, they would probably still exist depending on the person or do you really think AGRs suffer more simply because of that?

You're right about that! Every relationship suffer through that. I think that age gaps make it a whole lot more difficult. It adds on to the list. :bgrin2:

When I turned 25 it was like a light bulb went on in my head. "DING!" and I looked back and assessed what I had accomplished thus far. Then I cried...all day.

When I turned 30 the same light bulb went on and I again assessed my life and realized that I wasnt where I wanted to be and that everything was going wrong. I got divorced after much heartache but it was the right decision for the right reason.

Now Im 35 and my mother tells me that Im due for another "Ding moment" when I start approaching 40.

I have spoken to friends of different ages and mostly all have had their "ding" moments at different times in their lives but it seems to come once a decade.

Maybe its human nature, or maybe its moments of clarity that come with maturity.

I do know that I have tried to explain it to my fiance who is 22 and he didnt understand it because he hasnt been through it yet, but he looks forward to his first ding and I look forward to telling him...I told you so. :p

What happens to these moments when things generally work out how you like?

I've had lots of theses 'ding' moments, at various times, but I've found it's more to do with stressful events than anything else. One of them will probably come in a few months when I finally get a work permit and start looking for a job.

From what you said those moments for you weren't 'natural' at all. More they were to do with you approaching some age that society deems to be a marker and you then deciding to measure yourself up against what you deem yourself to have supposed to have 'done' up to this marker. Essentially, it seems to me you've created yourself a stressful moment because you've decided that a numerical number (age) means something.

I simply don't buy into this, I'm not sure I ever will, I don't think it's in my nature. But we'll see. ;)

Mentally 21, in answer to your question, I really do think the issues you mentioned impact on us more in an age gap relationship, although they can exist in any relationship. I'll agree that it doesn't have as much to do with the actual difference in years; i.e I don't regard my YM as particularly immature or lacking in experience, or myself as aging or wiser (we have a 25 year gap.) But I think these relationships still have a hard time finding acceptance. THAT is the difficulty; we often have only the support of each other, not the support of the world at large.

I agree with those who say its just another layer challenge of on top of something that is already riddled with the usual obstacles in relationships. The flip side, as I am learning, is that our negative perceptions of how others look at the relationship, are often skewed by our own insecurities. In truth, I don't think as many people feel as much opposition as we might expect.

I’m not sure if I need a particular post count in order to have credibility but I’ll throw my opinion in the ring as well.

I agree with those that are saying age gaps can exacerbate problems or issues that exist in (every) relationship. Certainly AGR’s bring some unique issues into the mix as well.

Answering the original question, “Do you think this is the case, that most of the time the problems have nothing to do with the age gap, it wouldn't matter if you were born on the same day, they would probably still exist depending on the person or do you really think AGR's suffer more simply because of that?”

Let me first clarify that I am framing your question in the context of chronological age. I think some opinions here are clashing not at all because they are wrong but instead because of the context. Some are viewing age chronologically while others are approaching age relative to maturity.

You are correct; most of the time problems have nothing to do with the age gap (barring, obviously, any problems that the parties specifically attribute to the gap in question). There is a 10 (and change) year gap between my and my hottie older wife. I have had minimal issues and problems with her. None had anything to do with our age.

Yes, it depends more on the person than their age. Contrary to my current marriage, my first marriage didn’t work out so well. And we were the same age. Years breathing air had nothing to do with it. So the second part there, would it matter if we were born on the same day? Nope. It was what it was and would have been whether we were 25-25 or 25-75.

Do I think AGR’s suffer more because of the gap? No. I do not believe AGR relationships suffer any more than (what’s the right term for non-AGR? I’ll use standard for now.) relationships, except for the aforementioned disclaimer relative to any problems that the parties specifically attribute to the gap in question.

I suppose this will fly in the face of the fundamental genesis for this forum but I contend that AGR’s are, generally speaking, no different than any other relationship between two consenting adults. They all present common challenges and hurdles that must be surmounted in order to be successful. Certainly when you start getting into specifics you can point out that AGR’s have the age gap. Fair enough. But MM and FF couples could argue their plight is even worse than AGR’s because they lack the support networks and conveniences of standard or conventional relationships. To MM or FF couples, AGR’s are just a sub-category of hetero-relations and therefore have it just as easy. And then you’ll have the MM+AGR, FF+AGR crowds taking this a step further. It’s a slippery slope that leads to arguments to determine who has it the worst and whose relationship is most doomed to failure because of a preference.

I think Rosie hit on something when she said that… …is that our negative perceptions of how others look at the relationship are often skewed by our own insecurities. In truth, I don't think as many people feel as much opposition as we might expect.

I don’t think so either. Spend any amount of time in San Francisco and you’d never know anyone has any issues with homosexuality in this country. OM/YW relationships have long been accepted, to the point of becoming clichéd. OW/YM relationships, God bless them; have come into their own as well. Cougars, MILF’s, HAM’s … (all in the positive and complimentary connotations) are urban monikers more and more often used by younger men and associated with older women. It might have been a bit scandalous for Dustin Hoffmann but not so much anymore.

Having said that I still believe that AGR’s are special and when they are working they produce some incredible and electrifying experiences. But are we pointed at and scoffed on the street? Nope. It’s going to sound harsh but, nobody really cares. Even if they did, do you? What difference does it make? You are happy. That’s the important part. Hold on to that and let the rest go.

Last point: I have had no family opposition or lack of support of my relationship so I can’t comment whether or not its any worse for AGR’s relative to everyone else who’s been in a relationship that created friction with family. My spidey sense says it’s about the same but like I said, I haven’t faced it so I have no basis to make the comparison. Better, the same, or worse, I am sorry for those of you who have talked about facing those obstacles. That’s a tough place to be – put between family who you love, and your significant other, who you love.

I’m not sure if I need a particular post count in order to have credibility but I’ll throw my opinion in the ring as well.
Do I think AGR’s suffer more because of the gap? No. I do not believe AGR relationships suffer any more than (what’s the right term for non-AGR? I’ll use standard for now.) relationships, except for the aforementioned disclaimer relative to any problems that the parties specifically attribute to the gap in question.
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You may be new... but I like you already. ;)

Well said!

Do I think AGR’s suffer more because of the gap? No. I do not believe AGR relationships suffer any more than (what’s the right term for non-AGR? I’ll use standard for now.) relationships, except for the aforementioned disclaimer relative to any problems that the parties specifically attribute to the gap in question.

I like you too, despite the fact that now I am 100% convinced you are an attorney!

:tongue2:

Nope, not an attorney. That's all I' am saying. I'll hold my cards close to my chest for now.:tongue2:

Insecurities, emotional baggage, lack of commitment, sexual conquest, lack of family support, etc can follow us around no matter what our age and age gap. These aren't endemic to AGR and it is amazing the there are those around (not in here) that seem to think they are. Do you think this is the case, that most of the time the problems have nothing to do with the age gap, it wouldn't matter if you were born on the same day, they would probably still exist depending on the person or do you really think AGRs suffer more simply because of that?

Very good question, and one that I have asked myself many times over the last year since my YM and I decided to get married (our 1st wedding anniversary will be 9/25/07!).

You're right - to a certain extent - most relationship issues are universal and are not the direct result of an age difference between the parties involved; however, AGR are prone to an additional myriad of problems which ultimately make an AGR more difficult than a "traditional" relationship.

I don't think the age differences present exactly the same difficulties for everyone - (after all, there are some ladies here that are only 7 years older than their YM, others are upwards of 25 years older) but probably the biggest issue for most is dealing with the physical aspect of the age gap. Its not easy to be an aging older woman on the arm of a young, attractive man....and no matter how much he loves you, its something that takes alot of love and confidence to overcome.

My husband and I are 10 years apart - I look maybe 3-5 years older than he does on my worst days....same age to only about 2 years apart when I'm looking my best! We don't get any strange looks, and there have never been any "acceptance" issues with our families. He LOVES the fact that I am older, but it has been hard for me to accept that he actually prefers ME over the twenty-somethings that he could easily get.

We have struggled with all of the things you mentioned - our emotional baggage from past marriages, our insecurities about the long term viability of relationships and general disputes over male/female lifestyle differences. However, the insecurity I struggle with over my physical appearance (as I compare my nearly 40 yr old body to his 30 year old one) has definitely made everything harder. There are some age related issues on his side as well, but they pale in comparison to the difficulty I've had trying not to over focus on every pound on my body, and every line on my face. Its a pressue I put on myself - and though I'll admit that I'm the type that would fight aging under any circumstances, being with a young hot guy definitely makes it harder to "grow old gracefully"!!!

I've been with my YM for 3 years now and I can honestly say that he has turned out to be an even better husband, a better lover and a better man than I ever would have expected. It has not been an easy road - and I doubt I will ever really completely accept the fact that I'll always look a bit older than he does...BUT....I am so happy that we stuck it out! I can't imagine being with anyone else - he is the man I want to grow old with. So, in response to your initial question....AGR are more difficult and do come with their own set of problems.......but many of us struggle through it because if it works, it can be the best thing in the world!!

I can't help going through some hormonal changes and he, I could see it, was going through the pre-thirty mind set that all of us go through at some point during our late twenties.

Do you mind explaining the pre-30 mindset. I am 30 and for the past couple of years, my outlook on life has been changing rapidly. I have to admit, I am glad I did not get married during my 20s are my wife would now be telling me that she married a different man.

What happens to these moments when things generally work out how you like?

I've had lots of theses 'ding' moments, at various times, but I've found it's more to do with stressful events than anything else. One of them will probably come in a few months when I finally get a work permit and start looking for a job.

From what you said those moments for you weren't 'natural' at all. More they were to do with you approaching some age that society deems to be a marker and you then deciding to measure yourself up against what you deem yourself to have supposed to have 'done' up to this marker. Essentially, it seems to me you've created yourself a stressful moment because you've decided that a numerical number (age) means something.

I simply don't buy into this, I'm not sure I ever will, I don't think it's in my nature. But we'll see. ;)


No I wasnt measuring myself up to any numerical marker. All I can say is that I slowly changed and suddenly I looked back and realized that I changed. Its hard to explain.

Ill try though:

When i was 18 I looked back and realize that what I thought I knew at 15 no longer held true..I had changed. WHen I was 25 I looked back at 18 and realized that my priorities had changed, I had had children and my outlook on life was now different and how I looked at life and my place in it had also changed...when I hit 30 I looked back at my 20's and realized that what I wanted back then was no longer what I wanted now and that I knew myself better now than I did in my 20's, change this time had crept up on me...

and so now at 35 I look towards my 40's and wonder what is coming? What will my 50's bring when I go through menopause as my mother did at that age....because she definately changed when she went through it...and maybe thats another reason why they call it "the change."

All I know that I now know what my aunts and mother meant when they use to tell me..you will see things differently when you get older.

It's those ding moments that I look forward to. They are my moments of clarity and seeing myself changing and maturity. Im thankful for them, because it would be horrible in my opinion to get stuck at one stage and never grow out of it.


Your ding is coming Rob. lol

[QUOTE=CgrBt;491824]


I don’t think so either. Spend any amount of time in San Francisco and you’d never know anyone has any issues with homosexuality in this country. OM/YW relationships have long been accepted, to the point of becoming clichéd. OW/YM relationships, God bless them; have come into their own as well. Cougars, MILF’s, HAM’s … (all in the positive and complimentary connotations) are urban monikers more and more often used by younger men and associated with older women. It might have been a bit scandalous for Dustin Hoffmann but not so much anymore.

Forgive me for being naive, but what is a 'HAM'?

[QUOTE=CgrBt;491824]


I don’t think so either. Spend any amount of time in San Francisco and you’d never know anyone has any issues with homosexuality in this country. OM/YW relationships have long been accepted, to the point of becoming clichéd. OW/YM relationships, God bless them; have come into their own as well. Cougars, MILF’s, HAM’s … (all in the positive and complimentary connotations) are urban monikers more and more often used by younger men and associated with older women. It might have been a bit scandalous for Dustin Hoffmann but not so much anymore.

Forgive me for being naive, but what is a 'HAM'?

Okay, I looked it up on Urban Dictionary and I found "Hot *** Mom". Is that it?

HAM is a sort of variation on MILF.

Hot A$$ Mom. Maybe MILF-lite; without the sexual connotation.

EDIT: Typed as you responded. Yes.

No I wasnt measuring myself up to any numerical marker. All I can say is that I slowly changed and suddenly I looked back and realized that I changed. Its hard to explain.

I'm going to have to say that given that all the ages that you've mentioned having these 'moments' at seem a little bit too 'rounded' for this to be true. 18 is 'supposedly' and important year, which most societies see as becomming an adult. And 25 and 30 are neatly in the middle and at the end of decades! Why not 23 and 29?

It's a subconcious thing, but I'm sure that looking back at your life from these 'markers' is instigated by you feeling pressure that you have to measure up to something.

Ill try though:

When i was 18 I looked back and realize that what I thought I knew at 15 no longer held true..I had changed. WHen I was 25 I looked back at 18 and realized that my priorities had changed, I had had children and my outlook on life was now different and how I looked at life and my place in it had also changed...when I hit 30 I looked back at my 20's and realized that what I wanted back then was no longer what I wanted now and that I knew myself better now than I did in my 20's, change this time had crept up on me...


I'm not saying that people don't change in any way, shape or form. What I am saying is that it doesn't hold that everyone goes through these moments at specific times and that it is brought on by, basically, judging yourself against something. I see little point in looking back at myself at 16 and thinking how much more I know, and how I know myself better. That's a given, and it never stops, you'll keep learning about yourself and everything else until the day you die, otherwise what the hell ARE you doing? What I don't believe is that we change as significantly as people seem to want to believe. It's as if we don't have anything of the personality we had at 16/18 or whatever when really our core personality is the same.

I also think differently than you about having children and 'changing', I think the world in which you live changes, and your priorities do too.

and so now at 35 I look towards my 40's and wonder what is coming? What will my 50's bring when I go through menopause as my mother did at that age....because she definately changed when she went through it...and maybe thats another reason why they call it "the change."


That would appear to hold more weight (for me) because there's big changes going on within your body. I'm not sure whether there's an equivalent for men.

And it also implies that a YM is going to have to go through their OW having a BIG change... so why cdo we oncentrate on how the YM is the one changing! lol.

All I know that I now know what my aunts and mother meant when they use to tell me..you will see things differently when you get older.

It's those ding moments that I look forward to. They are my moments of clarity and seeing myself changing and maturity. Im thankful for them, because it would be horrible in my opinion to get stuck at one stage and never grow out of it.


Your ding is coming Rob. lol

It would be horrible to never evolve at all, yes. That implies you're not learning anything.

I think I'm supposed to have had 2 'dings' already. Was that the microwave, or am I having one now? lol.

We'll see, but as I said I'm coming to a point where I'm going to get a work permit, in a country I don't know particularly well when it comes to working. I also don't know exactly what the equivalent to what I 'want' to do is. Could quite easily lead to thoughts of 'where the hell is my life going' or 'what did I do THAT course at uni for'. I'm not sure this has much to do with age, rather circumstance.

Mine are in BLUE

[QUOTE=Rob;492159]I'm going to have to say that given that all the ages that you've mentioned having these 'moments' at seem a little bit too 'rounded' for this to be true. 18 is 'supposedly' and important year, which most societies see as becomming an adult. And 25 and 30 are neatly in the middle and at the end of decades! Why not 23 and 29?

It's a subconcious thing, but I'm sure that looking back at your life from these 'markers' is instigated by you feeling pressure that you have to measure up to something.

Ill give you a "MAYBE" on that, maybe I did look back at these numerical markers because I wanted to see where I was now. I think most of us do that when we set out goals..like when we say "by this age..I will be here...or do this....

I'm not saying that people don't change in any way, shape or form. What I am saying is that it doesn't hold that everyone goes through these moments at specific times and that it is brought on by, basically, judging yourself against something. I see little point in looking back at myself at 16 and thinking how much more I know, and how I know myself better. That's a given, and it never stops, you'll keep learning about yourself and everything else until the day you die, otherwise what the hell ARE you doing? What I don't believe is that we change as significantly as people seem to want to believe. It's as if we don't have anything of the personality we had at 16/18 or whatever when really our core personality is the same.

Well I believe that our core personality changes and that is why we change as we grow older, life experiences have a tendency to change who are and how we perceive ourselves and others around us.

I also think differently than you about having children and 'changing', I think the world in which you live changes, and your priorities do too.

Now here I disagree, having children completely changes you if youre a woman. Your body changes, your thoughts change because you no longer think of yourself first but of the child that you had first, their needs become equally if not MORE important than yours. Children change you, you still retain a bit of who you are but you do change. My priorities have changed true but also my thought process and my ego which use to be all about me me me has changed to them and me now.



And it also implies that a YM is going to have to go through their OW having a BIG change... so why cdo we oncentrate on how the YM is the one changing! lol.


ive wondered that too, I see a lot of women worrying about their men changing as they grow older but not a lot of younger men worrying about their women changing as they hit menopause or get older.


I think I'm supposed to have had 2 'dings' already. Was that the microwave, or am I having one now? lol.


Youre so behind Rob! but im sure that once all the obstacles that are currently in your way die down you will have a ding moment...I dont think its the time of stress that defines MY dings...they usually happened during the quiet of nomal boring hum drum life.

QUOTE]

In having my 2-year relationship to a man 7 years my junior recently end, I was convinced for awhile that age was the primary factor, but now I am not so sure, in fact I think it had nothing to do with it.

He's turning 30 this year. I remember what happened to me when I did - crisis! What was expected of me, what my expectations were, was I where I wanted to be in life? Here in Germany, 30 is young, in the U.S. everyone was asking when was the wedding? I was in long-term relationship at the time and was so not ready to settle down. There was still so much I wanted to do. I still am not ready. I thought my recent ex believed this?

I have the feeling my ex-YM went or is going through the same crap. And while he did not come out and say I was too old for him, he definitely cited my age as having a factor on why he broke up with me. I wonder what real reasons my YM had for ending what he called the best relationship he had with the perfect woman for him?

Any YM out there who want to share why they ended it with their OW?

ellestar - From what I remember of my twenties, YM and YW will have relationships that just aren't quality enough to keep going forever and into marriage. So it could be that you being 7 years older than him has nothing at all to do with your relationship not working for him. I believe that as I got older, I got a lot better at picking out dates that were truly compatible for me, and not just because I thought them really cute.

A year before I met my YM, I had a chance to date two different men. One YM and one two years my senior. Both were convinced that I was the perfect woman for them. The YM had an irritating way of talking that I knew was eventually going to make me crazy and want to kill him, so I nixed all of his attempts to try to get me to date him. Plus he was still bitter over his ex dumping him, and about a year later, they got back together. So I definitely made the right decision with him. And the other guy was very nice, had his own house, nice car and no children (and didn't want any). He was in great health, did some martial arts, went bicycling and was a non-smoker and a non-drinker. He was very intelligent, but his personality was just kind of blah to me. No magic at all for me. And after I started dating my YM, he told me by email that if things didn't work out, he would love to have another chance with me. But, I would rather be alone, than to ever date him. And last year, he finally found someone else to date.

So sometimes, you just have to accept that the magic isn't there for the other person, but it's nothing to do with our being older. Seven years is not a very big gap imo.

Cindee,

I just absolutely love your attitude! You always speak right to the heart of an issue and frankly....reading your comments gives me hope.

And I am not feeling too much of that commodity at this time...I'm feeling "broken" to be quite honest. Just tired of the games..

Thanks for taking the time to add your personal touch to the site!

Jeanna

@miu - I just wanna say thanks for your post. I've had some time to reflect and being away on vacation helped that and I see now that my ex and I were simply not on the same path. He led me to believe he was, he talked about family, he talked about children and how we would do this together. I'll never know (and will never ask him) if he was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear or perhaps he thought if he said those things out loud, he would begin to believe in them. Well, in the end, I believed in them.

And so it boils down to him waking up one morning with a gut feeling, something he could not put into words, telling him something was not right, yet having his head tell him he would be a fool to give up the best relationship he has ever had with a woman who fits so well to him, etc., etc. , etc. He looked around his world, his life and chose to end it with me. He took a good look at us and decided, alas, that neither the relationship, nor I, were what he wanted. And when someone does that, do you really want to be with them, knowing they chose to throw you and the relationship away?

This is not a comforting thought, but it is an empowering one to know I am truly better off without him. I had no warning, no clues as to the nearing of the end of "us". If I knew what to look for, maybe I could avoid this again, but I agree, age was not an issue. I just wound up with a rotten egg.