Need some on-Line dating advice...

I'm glad to say, I actually might need some dating advice!:D

In the past two weeks, I decided to try match.com again. I did this about two years ago, and all I can say is that it was a learning experience after getting out of a 10-year relationship.

At the time, I had some professional headshots which looked really good and I did get a lot of responses. Although many were just out to play or say something like, "Hey, sexy...wanna light my fire?" Anyway, needless to say, these were not men I saw as serious relationship material. So I stopped and got out of it. Also, I don't think I was really ready then, it was too early. Pointless flirtations and platonic relationships were about all I could handle.

So anyway, this time, I put some more "every day" photos in, although they are still attractive photos. And I have less responses, as predicted...also maybe since I'm a little older it makes a difference, I don't know.

And, I only check it every couple of days for messages. So today I check and saw that a guy sent me an email a couple of days ago just asking "How are you?" with his name. Bottomline--I think he's kind of cute and meets the basics in terms of similar backgrounds, location, etc. This morning, I responded, "Great...and you?" with my name. He just responded saying he's doing good and asked if I've had any luck on the site. So I see he's taking a low-key, cool approach which is fine because I don't like pushy men.

However, I notice that his age preference in women is "27-42". He is 41, I am 48 and all that is of course listed on the profiles. It's interesting that I am out of his high end for age preference and he goes younger than older. So I'm a bit suspicious that he may only be looking for sex...which has happened before...in fact, this past December, I met a guy on line...younger and he was looking for an FWB, although at first pretended differently. I know that sounds paranoid and jumping to conclusions since we have barely exchanged niceties, and perhaps that will be the extent of it, but I tend to be overly cautious.

So my question is what next? How long do I wait to reply? I do sound like a 16 year old, rather than a 48 year old, don't I...silly, but I need some thoughts....I'm really not a great "dater"...haha...usually I get to know men as friends first, but with on-line dating, it's implied that romance/sex is what two people are seeking.:tongue2:

Any thoughts, suggestions, and experiences you can share would be appreciated!

Rosebud

well, to answer his question about your "luck on the site" i'd just answer well, i'm talking to you and then go into some "neutral" chat...he knows your age. he has some curiousity about you, so treat him like you would treat a friend. don't make the assumption its all about sex... is that why you are there??? ;) thought not....

Hi, Rosebud....

My last online dating was back in 1999. :eek: So I may be somewhat dated in my approach.

I would take very seriously his age preferences. Note, for example, that the highest age he specifies, 42, is right on the outer bounds of womens' childbearing potential.

If he wants the option of starting a family but doesn't mind slipping in "a little extra something" to tide him over until he meets Ms. Mom.... :eek: well, you don't want any of that drama, do you?

I could be wrong. Just food for thought.

I think his preferred age range sounds pretty normal, really. Maybe he's not generally attracted to women much older than himself (or not often enough to put it in his profile), but is attracted to you anyways. It doesn't sound like there's anything to worry about here; just get to know him. Remember, when we meet people in real life they don't have some sign around their necks proclaiming all these preferences (and you may never know if you're an "exception" to what they thought they wanted), we just have to talk to them.

Thanks, Harrison. I love the pessimist in you!:p

As much as I'd like to think he is so blown over by me that he will waiver the fact that I am beyond his top age end preference by 6 years (I'm sure the "42" in his age preference is just there for honorable mention), and as you mention childbearing years...perhaps he hasn't been lucky and figures he'd try for anything at this point...lol!:rolleyes:

Do I sound like a cynic? You betcha I am!!!:bgrin2: Okay, just kidding...I can be romantic like the rest of 'em...but I think it's important to be real too.

Come to think of it, maybe I should just get the niceties over with and get to the heart of what he's looking for before I waste too much time.

I'd be direct but low key. Mention that you noticed his age preferences and wonder if he overlooked your age and see he what he says. It may be an issue. Or it may be that when he filled in that part of the profile, he didn't think hard about it. If he says now it's not an issue, put it to the back of your mind, but don't dismiss it. At the very least it tells you that an age gap relationship is probably a new thing for him.

You didn't ask for it, but here's my general advice.

When I was internet dating, I found the biggest thing was having appropriate filters so you don't waste your time with the wrong guys. I got increasingly fascist about it.

I had a list of "sorry, no way" signals, some serious, some just my own idiosyncracies.

For instance, they had to be taller than me, not live in the burbs, not be tories, not play golf, not mention anything about their material worth.

They had to approach me without sexual banter. Sexy talk from a total stranger is, to me, creepy and it always signalled to me that they were into multiple quick casual sexual partners. If that's not what you want, avoid the guys who in any way hint of sexuality in their first overture.

Absolutely no mention in any of their profile or email information of seeking a soulmate. That, to me, screams of desperation.

Once a guy clears all those filters, he has to be interesting, respectful, funny and show that he is interested in a relationship, not just hooking up.

And the only other piece of advice I'd give has to do with safety - make sure someone knows where you are when you go on a date and that your date knows it, don't give any information about where you live or work and act with caution. I would make a joke about the strangeness of internet dating and somehow casually work it into the conversation that I had told a friend my whereabouts - even if I did it in a self-mocking way, to make the conversation easier.

I had a lot of fun with internet dating after I worked out my own rules. I hope it works for you too.

Go with your gut. Certainly its possible he could be trying to set you up (wolf in sheep's clothing). But he could also be sincere. Until you know why he used that age range, consider him a potential. My wife fell outside my stated age range when we started talking. I wasn't against +10. I just had to draw the line somewhere. Besides, he'd run the risk of looking like a desperate man or conquest junkie if his age spread was too wide.

Your next move from my perspective:
Maybe strike up a conversation with him to try to find out a little more about who he is and what he's looking for. Use that as a non-confrontational way to point out that you are outside his stated range. See where it goes from there. If he weirds you out, you can always not respond again, politely say no thanks, or just push yourself away from the monitor. You are in control.

Good luck.

If he wants the option of starting a family but doesn't mind slipping in "a little extra something" to tide him over until he meets Ms. Mom.... :eek: well, you don't want any of that drama, do you?

I second that. Look out for the Charles and Camilla thing. Some men like the older lady until the mère arrives with whom he can have children. However, aristocratic and rich men are the ones more likely to get away with keeping both.


Another way of looking at it is that because the male to female ration is against men online, he has come to the conclusion that he cannot limit his chances with the age band in his preferences.

I would not be too concerned about the age bracket.

Since people lie so much about their age on the Internet, when one puts an age bracket in a dating site, lets say 27-42, what you are really looking for is somebody that LOOKS 27-42, give or take 5 years. Because if you put that you are looking for a 47, what you will get is a 60 yr old that LOOKS like a 60 yr old and claims he is 47.

Did I make sense?

Also, I would not worry too much either about preferences and descriptions, because you cannot possibly describe the chemistry and escence of a person, which is what counts for me way more than liking the same music or having the same political affiliation, or liking dogs and cats.

My bf and I would never had met if we would have been looking for matches because we are very poorly matched. But we are matched in things that could never be put in a dating-site ad.

I appreciate all the replies so far, it's very helpful. Lots of things to take into consideration. Opening up one's options I believe is a common inevitability among single people...especiallly as you get older, like over 35.

OMG....I just emailed him back about 10 minutes ago and he just emailed me back and asks: Are you free tonight...do you want to meet?:eek:

Yikes...NOW, I REALLY NEED ADVICE!!!!!!:eek::eek::eek:

Um, say yes and meet him somewhere very public? Meeting people is the goal here, isn't it? :D

I'm with Pink. Put on your best underwear - and something else of course - and get out there and meet him.

Best of luck, make it fun... but do not wear your best underwear, wear your granny underwear, at least on the first date. ;)

Best of luck, make it fun... but do not wear your best underwear, wear your granny underwear, at least on the first date. ;)

I have to disagree. I'm not saying anyone's going to see them, but I've always found it a huge boost to the confidence to know that under my fairly sober outerwear, I am sexy as all hell.

It's the secret to my success at hearings. Which reminds me, I have one next week, must make sure the thigh highs have no runs.

But doesn't it seem too soon? We've only exchanged a few sentences and we haven't even talked on the phone. Also, I don't want him to think I'm usually available on such short notice.

But doesn't it seem too soon? We've only exchanged a few sentences and we haven't even talked on the phone. Also, I don't want him to think I'm usually available on such short notice.
Not everything has to go according to a formula. If you don't want him to think you're usually available on short notice, then tell him you're not usually available on short notice. I mean really, if you're not comfortable then don't go, but what else are you doing tonight? At the very least you'll find out he's not for you without having to go through all the "appropriate" number of emails/phone calls nonsense before you actually meet him. People used to actually meet other people in real life and have face to face conversations right away and it didn't seem to cause problems. Maybe I'm just horribly old-fashioned, though. ;)

Go meet him in a public restaurant. Don't do dinner, just drinks... (diet coke or soda, not liquor). Don't talk about any past relationships. Just keep it very light and friendly. Talk about movies, books, etc.

If he asks about your marriage plans, tell him you are open but are enjoying being single for now.

Ask him about his hobbies, interests... not about his ex's!
Just have fun. That is the main thing. :)

Quite truthfully, I'm a bit under the weather with a sinus thing, so I decided to tell him that I would like to meet but I'm not feeling well tonight. I asked him if he'd like to try getting together next week and perhaps we can talk by phone a bit first. I asked how he felt about that. So we'll see what he says.

What about meeting sometime next weekend for a lunch? If it goes horribly, you can bail after eating with any excuse (plus lunch is cheap in case he offers to pick up the tab and don't want to feel like you really "owe" him), but if you guys really click, you have the rest of the day to continue getting to know each other. My best luck with meeting good men to date was if I was able to meet them first during daylight hours.

And I agree completely with what bijou said about staying away from guys that try to talk sexy too soon or looking for their soulmates. I also stay away from guys that ask me for sexy pictures.

Well, chances are I won't even hear from this guy again--that way I can skip the meeting all together. I learned that from when I tried this in the past. Unfortunately, I've found that there are an abundance of two type of guys on the on-line thing--those who have no intention of meeting anyone and those who are overly anxious and want some sort of quick fix--it could be sex or it could be an overnight soulmate. Either way, yuk!

I had another guy with no photo contact me. He described himself and he said he would be happy to send a photo...well I asked for a photo and he sends two...but they are far away shots that are so small you really can't see his face.:rolleyes: I mean, that's just rude and annoying on an on-line site. I doubt he would have contacted me WITHOUT photos...and mine are very clear. I have close-ups that clearly show what my face looks like and also a full length of me standing in front of my building. All of the men whom I ended up meeting in person told me the photos were a very accurate depiction of me and that I even looked better in person (well, perhaps that's a come-on line...lol)...but in any case I don't misrepresent or try to fudge on my looks.

This is really aggravating.....:(

Don't worry about looking too available. You can tell him he caught you at just the right time, something else coincidentally fell through, whatever. This also gives you power and control later on. If you feel like he expects you to drop everything for him whenever he beckons, you can later play unavailable as often as you need to to let him know you have as much, if not more power, over how things progress as he does.

Plus, if things work out for the best, you'll be glad you didn't wait longer than you did.

I agree with a public place. Might also tell someone you know, besides us here, that you are going out with Internet guy, give them enough details so they can track you if necessary. Not trying to be scary, just safe. 90% sure it'll be fine. But this'll cover ya the rest of the way.

Don't worry about looking too available. You can tell him he caught you at just the right time, something else coincidentally fell through, whatever. This also gives you power and control later on. If you feel like he expects you to drop everything for him whenever he beckons, you can later play unavailable as often as you need to to let him know you have as much, if not more power, over how things progress as he does.

Plus, if things work out for the best, you'll be glad you didn't wait longer than you did.

I agree with a public place. Might also tell someone you know, besides us here, that you are going out with Internet guy, give them enough details so they can track you if necessary. Not trying to be scary, just safe. 90% sure it'll be fine. But this'll cover ya the rest of the way.
Sensible advise.

Rosebud: What's worse, a guy sending a far-away picture or a guy sending his picture taken 10 years ago. Or photoshopped. Maybe I am not picky enough but sometimes ugly guys are fun too. :D

What I could not stand is somebody sending me a picture of them in a messy background. To me that tells me that what they want pronto is a housecleaning lady, not a gf.

Well, chances are I won't even hear from this guy again--that way I can skip the meeting all together. I learned that from when I tried this in the past. Unfortunately, I've found that there are an abundance of two type of guys on the on-line thing--those who have no intention of meeting anyone and those who are overly anxious and want some sort of quick fix--it could be sex or it could be an overnight soulmate. Either way, yuk!


Yeah, true. Usually if you dont meet right away, they move on. I want to get to know someone for a while thru email and phone first, but alot of guys dont. You have to do what you feel comfortable with, that's the bottom line. When i was on Yahoo, i only had Webtv, and i met a great guy on the dating site. My pic was over a year old, so i told him i'd scan a new one at my friend's house and send it to him. He got all worried and asked if i looked "different," and then disappeared. So be ready for anything to happen. Anymore i'm able to laugh it all off and totally not care.

"The book" says (and i forget the name of it!) NEVER accept a date for the weekend if the guy asks you after a Wednesday night - horrors!! I'm not saying i believe in all that. I think it's pretty obvious if people are on dating sites that they probably dont have a really active dating life! That's the way i see it, anyway.

You'll know if the person feels right. And meet in public, for sure.

I'm on two sites too, and having my share of interesting stuff!

well, to answer his question about your "luck on the site" i'd just answer well, i'm talking to you and then go into some "neutral" chat...he knows your age. he has some curiousity about you, so treat him like you would treat a friend. don't make the assumption its all about sex... is that why you are there??? ;) thought not....
I agree with her post. Go slow and see what is really making this man tick.

Sensible advise.

Rosebud: What's worse, a guy sending a far-away picture or a guy sending his picture taken 10 years ago. Or photoshopped. Maybe I am not picky enough but sometimes ugly guys are fun too. :D

What I could not stand is somebody sending me a picture of them in a messy background. To me that tells me that what they want pronto is a housecleaning lady, not a gf.

I'm totally not looking for some kind of model-type guy...i'm not a model-type girl! I like many different kinds of guys, and i say that in my profiles. I also say that i wont make ANY first contacts anymore, because i find that a waste of time for me personally, and too disappointing. If they're interested they'll contact me, that's the way i figure it.

Some of the guys' pics ARE so far away, or so blurry. I try to have 8 or 9 pics of all types on my profiles. That way there's no suprises :)

...I've always found it a huge boost to the confidence to know that under my fairly sober outerwear, I am sexy as all hell.

It's the secret to my success at hearings. Which reminds me, I have one next week, must make sure the thigh highs have no runs.


:p OMG!! Bijou's secret "HOT" side peeks out... :D

:p OMG!! Bijou's secret "HOT" side peeks out... :D

Oh sweetie, you don't know the half of it.

Nothing amuses me more than people's notion that the righteous socialist with the English accent must be prudish and vanilla - it's a lovely assumption to shatter in the right circumstances.

I've been doing the online ad stuff off/on for a few yrs now. It's been a learning experience for sure!

After spending a great deal of time talking to guys on chat/email/phone and then having it all go to crap when we meet..... I'm one to get it over with quick. A few emails/chats/phone over the course of a week or two... then meet over coffee or lunch somewhere casual. If the chemistry is there, you'll know it right off the bat and then you can "invest" in the "get to know you" part.

I've had guys waste many hours of my time in deep conversations, only to ditch me after meeting, because I wasn't what they expected or wanted. I've also found myself running for the door after investing time in the process, so it goes both ways.

I do think it's important to have KEY SIGNALS in the first few exchanges. Not having clear pictures available or not having a webcam, is a warning to me that they might be hiding who they really are. If someone can't be open about their line of work(not where they work) or what they are looking for... red flag.

I personally don't like guys who are short on words with emails... but I'm seeing one right now who is horrible with written communication. In person we talk incessantly and have many common interests, so go figure.

My .02 cents here.......

I say it's better to meet within two weeks of first correspondence (if local).

Filter thru anyone that won't be open about who they are with pics and such.
Keep the first meet light, casual and fun. Meet at a bookstore, coffee shop, etc.(somewhere public) and be the first one to end the date(you have things to do!). Don't make the next move(let him work for it). Establish up front things that you won't tolerate. (ie: heavy drinking, drugs, one-night stands, etc.) but don't harp on it. Smile, make eye contact, stay away from heavy conversations at first, wear something that makes you feel sexy&comfortable, and realize it's a game of numbers. The more you meet, the more chance you'll find one you like.

Try to stay positive when it doesn't pan out and say "NEXT!!!" ;-)

I agree with meeting fast too.
I do not want to get to know a man and think in terms of "assumtions" for day to day life.
Funny, I just put my profile on a dating site a few months ago and my mailbox is flooding over every morning when I get online.
I have one man flying in to meet me next weekend...he's 43 and a doll. Neither of us have any expectations other than we have alot in common and would rather meet face to face befor taking it any further.......or not.
A doctor from VA wants to drive up next week sometime to meet as well. He is a cutie and I know he is telling me the truth about himself b/c, for one, he called me during a break while in the hospital and I could here him being paged in the backround. Plus he has sent a ton of photo's of himself, children, vacation trips, etc..
The last one that caught my interest is from NY and is into media marketing and has, so far, been doing everything in his power to help me with the elephant situation and he calls and emails everyday.
They ARE out there!!!
For me, I just want to have some fun and whatever happens.....happens. Love? Who knows, Sex? Maybe, maybe not............just go with the flow and don't put up with any crap or excuses.
Blessings, TD

LOL - okay, I've gotta add my two cents here. There's no rush to meet face to face. And, of course, if you don't live very far from each other, there's no reason to put it off for too long either.

Rosebud, trust your instincts. There isn't a rush. Even when I dated guys locally that I'd met online, we talked online for a few weeks, talked on the phone for a while. Three to five weeks was the general rule of thumb I went by and, even then, I was very casual about it. Never, never, never did I meet them for the first time on a "date." It was always, "Hey, I've got stuff going on earlier this evening but how do you feel about meeting for dessert at such-and-such restaurant?" or "Why don't we meet for a quick drink after work?" (I don't drink alcohol very often and refrain during a first meeting but the point is to spend a little time visiting in a low-pressure environment) That way, if things are going badly, you've got a get-away plan and if they're going well, you've got the option of extending your time together.

*shrugs* Always worked for me anyway :)

I agree with your timeline as well Mrs. H.
The one who is coming here next weekend is not too far away and we have been talking "casually" for a few weeks now.
I just, personally, do not want to go and "think" I might be in love with someone, who in person, doesn't do it for me at all.
Or worse, fall for someone who is thousands of miles away with no end to the long distance in sight. Too heartbreaking and tough for me to handle.
Casual....definitely!
Like my clothing lol.........I must be comfortable:yes:
Blessings, TD

I think different rules work for different people.

I always thought internet dating was a numbers game - sort of like that joke about kissing a lot of frogs before you find a prince. Although I'd try and avoid actually kissing them if they were amphibians.

I would meet way quicker than 5 weeks - but I would want an exchange of emails and a phone call or two. I always found that the longer I waited, the more I had built up an idea of who the person was which would sometimes cause complications.

I figure it's like an introduction service - you get introduced on the site, you exchange enough information to see if you want to meet and then you meet. Face to face interaction is so much more informative than online.

And I totally agree with the quick and casual first meeting. For me it was either afternoon coffee or tea on the weekend or a drink in the evening. (Drinks here being whatever you want - I like to have a real drink, but a soda is fine too.) I had a two drink minimum rule otherwise I felt like I was being cruel.

If I knew straightaway it wasn't going to work, I'd stay and be polite and friendly, then before leaving say as pleasantly as possible that while the guys seems like a really nice person, there just wasn't any chemistry. So thanks, it's been nice, and good luck on your search.

I would never commit to dinner on a first meeting - hours of eating with someone who turns out to be impossible for you is just painful.

I vote for waiting and getting to know him better before meeting him. At least, if you are interested in meeting someone to have a potential longterm relationship with. My YM and I both feel that being able to get to know each other through the internet first was key to really understanding the other's inner qualities and thoughts. We used to spend several hours online chatting through im. And also, what impressed us both about each other was that our chats were all just regular talk, with words completely spelled out, no slang, no cybering, just two intelligent thinking people talking about life. And he never asked me for any pictures.

I find it interesting how the main advantage with an LDR (imo) is that I think having the physical distance between them forces a couple to develop more verbal and written communication of substance between them. Whereas, relationships where the couples live locally to each other are less developed in that regard because their time together is more filled with thoughts of the physical aspects of the relationship. And especially once that sex is involved, the men especially are more into doing that.

So if you want more than some good times and a fling, delay meeting him face to face and see how interesting he is by email, chat or phone first. Without seeing him face to face, see if he makes it as even good movie company material. Right now, he doesn't sound all that special a guy and not one for words (being chatty). And if he doesn't keep up the acquaintance after a few emails, then he probably had a different companionship goal in mind than you.

I guess I'm the minority here with the "get it over quick" approach. I just hate spending time getting to know someone on the chat/phone/emails and then have the disappointment of them rejecting me based on my appearance.

There's been a few times where I reeeally liked someone after many hrs of conversation via phone and chat and they ultimately would NEVER follow-thru with meeting me in person, or bailed after first meet. Some guys are bored and just like the attention online. They like building fantasies about who they are, what they do, etc. They may like the challenge of having you develop feelings for them online. In the end, it's a game to them and they have NO INTENTIONS of meeting you face-to-face. Not saying all online guys are like this, but they are ABUNDANT!

How many times have women/men on here felt the pain of those these types of players. For ME, I tend to build expectations and anticipation with the time I invest in someone prior to meeting. The longer it goes, the more of a letdown it is when they

a.) won't meet or continually stall meeting
b.) lied about who they were (look 10yrs older in person, married)
c.) the attraction isn't there for one or both.

It's all in what you are comfortable with really. I just do better filtering through the bullsh*t in person myself. Been strung along and lied too one too many times with online chatting/phone calls.

Sensible advise.
Rosebud: What's worse, a guy sending a far-away picture or a guy sending his picture taken 10 years ago. Or photoshopped. Maybe I am not picky enough but sometimes ugly guys are fun too. :D

What I could not stand is somebody sending me a picture of them in a messy background. To me that tells me that what they want pronto is a housecleaning lady, not a gf.

Ironically, I replied to the guy with the far-away photos (this guy is same age as me--48) and I was honest (but in a nice way). I said one was too far way and the other was not a direct shot of him and he was wearing sunglasses, so I wasn't sure what he looked like. He looks tall and thin, though with a shaved head. Anyway, it was a long day so I joked and said, "who are these other girls in the photos, your daughters or your harem?"...it was a water shot with other people in a lake. I thought maybe he was offended, but later I checked my emails and he thought it was funny and gave me his personal email address. He actually sounds like a nice guy.:) His suggestion was to double-click the photos. In any case, I replied, "Photos are over-rated," since he handled it quite graciously. So perhaps this method works for him.

Meanwhile...I haven't heard back from Mr. "Are you free tonight". The answer is NO, I'm not "free", but I'm available if you have the courtesy to actualy makes plans with me and not assume I'm free on the spur of the moment.;) This guy, as I suspected was clearly one of these thinking that on-line dating is like a "free" escort service.

I have taken a hard line on anyone who responds to me with a "Your so Hot" or "Are you as sexy as your pic", etc........
I reply "yes but that is not a good opening line for me and hopefully you will NOT make that same mistake with the next one" And then, I block them;)
Moving on!
Blessings, TD

Don't worry about looking too available. You can tell him he caught you at just the right time, something else coincidentally fell through, whatever. This also gives you power and control later on. If you feel like he expects you to drop everything for him whenever he beckons, you can later play unavailable as often as you need to to let him know you have as much, if not more power, over how things progress as he does.

I appreciate your opinion...but for myself...I've been there and done that one time too often. Oh, no...that is one thing I NEVER do anymore is BE available on short notice...especially early on because...at least from MY experience I've learned that THAT sets the tone for the entire relationship. When the man has the gall to cut to the chase after he literally sends two very sparse emails that basically say, "How's it goin'?", and then asks "Are you free tonight?" It's quite clear what he's after, isn't it? If I had already known him for a bit that might be different but on-line, it would be equivalent to meeting a stranger at a bar and after introducing your name, he asks if you want to go out. In this day and age, that's a bit fast. And as it turns out, after I told him I wasn't feeling well enough to go out and suggesting next week, I haven't heard from him.

I agree with her post. Go slow and see what is really making this man tick.

It was quite obvious was would make this man tick...unfortunately, my goal is not to be his tock.

After spending a great deal of time talking to guys on chat/email/phone and then having it all go to crap when we meet..... I'm one to get it over with quick. A few emails/chats/phone over the course of a week or two... then meet over coffee or lunch somewhere casual. If the chemistry is there, you'll know it right off the bat and then you can "invest" in the "get to know you" part.

I've had guys waste many hours of my time in deep conversations, only to ditch me after meeting, because I wasn't what they expected or wanted. I've also found myself running for the door after investing time in the process, so it goes both ways.[/B]

Gypsyheart, I see your point of view, but I guess I view this whole process differently. I don't really see it as "investing", but the necessary process and experience that I must go through in order to meet the right man for what I want...which is someone for a potential long-term relationship...and realistically, that's not going to be easy.

For me, this is more than just an attractive guy who wants a girlfriend, but a man I feel that I can really be in tune with and things "make sense" to be together...if that makes any sense at all...and so that will take some effort and time...no two ways about it.

Dating/getting to know someone seems, to me, a process and not a guarantee. It's not easy. I feel that I have learned even from the negative experiences.

One thing I have found is that those men on these sites who are in a real rush to meet...like immediately are the ones to watch out for. And frankly if a man decides NOT to meet me, I'm glad because I probably didn't want them or need them anyway. I figure they are doing me a favor in the long-run, although it may feel like an insult in the short-run.

I read one post and I think... hmmm... that makes sense, then I read a contrary post and think... hmmm... that makes sense too.

I believe that there is no sure formula for on-line dating.

The way I would do it, if with a local person, would me to meet as soon as possible to see if there is chemisty. As gypsy said, why keep investing time if we do not click.

I read one post and I think... hmmm... that makes sense, then I read a contrary post and think... hmmm... that makes sense too.

I believe that there is no sure formula for on-line dating.

The way I would do it, if with a local person, would me to meet as soon as possible to see if there is chemisty. As gypsy said, why keep investing time if we do not click.

Maybe I'm just a poor judge of what the heck is going on early in the conversations. I call it "investing" when my free time is valuable and sparse. Not that long ago, I spent approximately 6-10hrs A WEEK talking on the phone to a british guy that lived 1hr away from me. We talked about everything.

My kids were underfoot at the time and so this went on for over 2mths. Then the kids went to their dad's for the summer. I was ready to meet him, and see what might happen. He proceeded to tell me "why rush things?" and "I'm perfectly happy with this right now." Well, guess what?..... I had 2mths of kid free time and he refused to take it to the next step.

For me to lose sleep (literally) investing my time in getting to know someone, who really just wanted a "chat buddy and phone pal" was aggrivating to no end. I could have been sleeping, reading a book, investing in MYSELF somehow. That is what I call "waisting my time" and it's happened more than once.

I didn't say your situation with the "are you free tonight guy" was good enough to jump up and meet either. If you think you can KNOW someone via phone and chat well enough to make meeting months down the road worth your invested time.... more power to ya! ;-) I personally suck at figuring out when it's time to get some sleep and tell the bugger to piss off.

I don't want to step on anyone's toes, but I don't personally have much faith in chatting with someone online anymore. Face to face time is the only thing I trust.

Good luck with it all......

I have taken a hard line on anyone who responds to me with a "Your so Hot" or "Are you as sexy as your pic", etc........
I reply "yes but that is not a good opening line for me and hopefully you will NOT make that same mistake with the next one" And then, I block them;)
Moving on!
Blessings, TD


:D , tinydancer.

I am not an on-line dater, (well, actually, I'm not a real world dater either!) but I have to say, that makes sense to me! :yes: UNLESS, one is just looking for a fun time, then I'd say, "Grab him"! :p

------------

I agree with almost everything everyone has said insofar as there are no rules. It depends what you're looking for and how much time you are willing to invest in a situation that may not be what you're looking for - or if you enjoy on-line relationships for what they are, whether or not they may become something more. I don't think most single people want only an on-line or long-distance relationship, but I think sometimes they will accept them for what they are or with the hope that they will become something more. So I think the most important thing to do is decide what you want and what you will or will not enjoy while waiting/looking/hoping for what you want; then the next most important thing is setting up your own criteria, guidelines and boundaries, and then, often it seems, the next step is to throw them all out if it makes you feel wonderful and if feels right.

Oh Believe me.....this is brand new for me too but, I am home alot these days:rolleyes:, it keeps me amused and........ya just never know.
I would never take it too seriously but it has restored my faith that there are really, among the scum, some awsome men out there.

Oh Believe me.....this is brand new for me too but, I am home alot these days:rolleyes:, it keeps me amused and........ya just never know.
I would never take it too seriously but it has restored my faith that there are really, among the scum, some awsome men out there.


My experiences have been with good men, and remember, there's always someone throwing a good one back in the pool - dating pool, that is! :)

I agree with the importance of having some sparks fly with someone you're dating, but looking back on my previous boyfriends and other men that I've had crushes on, the most important sparks that I look for are the brain to brain sparks, and much less so the immediate physical sparks. Anyone who has worked in sales or the public knows how to turn on the charm (think car salesmen!), and as far as physical attributes, good hygiene is a must for me. And when I first met my YM, there were no physical sparks for me, but I did feel immediately very comfortable with him. He is not a handsome hunk in a classic sense, but I love his great smile and his eyes. And his fingers are long and artistic. And watching him work with his hands is a great turn on for me, plus I enjoy watching him thing and process the situation in front of him. I guess my stereotype is to be wary of someone that has too much initial outward charm and that I would rather be with someone lacking in the social skills needed to be an active dater. I want to feel special and not part of crowd of women he has dated.

In terms of getting to know someone better before first meeting them, I would want to know what they like to do in their spare time besides being with their friends or dating. What their favorite books and movies are. Whether or not they are a dog, cat or no pet person. If they have sisters (guys with sisters just seem to be more sensitive to the needs of women). Just more clues about who they are and in a little more depth than knowing their age and that they are single.

Last year, I hear about a study done where basically, researchers felt that the better people knew someone, the more attractive they found them. In other words, when asked to evaluate the looks of a complete stranger to them, the test subjects rated them much more harshly than they rated the looks of people that they got to work with for a few weeks.

So to me, if you really like the online profile of someone on these dating services, it would be in your best interests (if you wanted to make a good impression with them) to lay a little more pre-meeting groundwork with them.

I read one post and I think... hmmm... that makes sense, then I read a contrary post and think... hmmm... that makes sense too.

I believe that there is no sure formula for on-line dating.



I agree. This is a great thread. Also, i'm a little drunk right now, so bear with me :)

I'm a staller when it comes to meeting. I swear that the guys that want to meet quick are just wanting to get laid, and i dont want that. My ex-YM is hitting me up for that, and i'm saying NO, so that means i'll say no to just about anyone. I dont want it with 'strangers' right now. I'd like to click with someone first.

It depends on how YOU feel about it. I'm not super-social and wanting to meet alot of new guys. I'd rather find one or two special ones and meet them. I dont do good with juggling dates and guys, and i really dont want to try.

You'll know how you feel. Go with your heart and your intuition, and be careful.

I am returned to internet chatting meeting guys on internet. finally myYM and I broken. Bahhhhh. New guys now but mostly from internet US and Eurpean. I will not worry to meet soon. It needs a lot to be sure before spending money on plane bill. I can meet a guy here in ecuador, but he is too young 23, and we met in sex chat one sad night. What do you think?

I am returned to internet chatting meeting guys on internet. finally myYM and I broken. Bahhhhh. New guys now but mostly from internet US and Eurpean. I will not worry to meet soon. It needs a lot to be sure before spending money on plane bill. I can meet a guy here in ecuador, but he is too young 23, and we met in sex chat one sad night. What do you think?

I think if you want sex, go for it, but I'm afraid that's all you'll get.

Last year, I hear about a study done where basically, researchers felt that the better people knew someone, the more attractive they found them. In other words, when asked to evaluate the looks of a complete stranger to them, the test subjects rated them much more harshly than they rated the looks of people that they got to work with for a few weeks.

So to me, if you really like the online profile of someone on these dating services, it would be in your best interests (if you wanted to make a good impression with them) to lay a little more pre-meeting groundwork with them.

I would agree with this. There are often men I come to find attractive that I have met in situations (e.g. work, school etc.) where if they had some profile up on an on-line site, I might not think twice, and probably vice versa. The men I've ended up dating and having a relationship with in the past...we've often joked later saying that if we had been set up on a blind date, we probably wouldn't have even had a second date. So I'm not sure if on-line is for me. I need the complete person I think. Essentially, it boils down to setting up blind dates for yourself. Even with a photos or webcam (which I hate! People look weird to me on this, like they are astronauts!), it's hard to tell what the real-life effect will be.

It's really hard to go on anything other than the photos. And the times in the past where I have met the man live, personally, they never looked as good as they did in the photos so I figure there are men who may not photograph well who actually might have a nice "quality" in real life. Who knows. I find it hard with just photos and a written profile. But many people seem to find success in it and like it. Also, if I don't find a photo that attractive, I feel weird contacting a man...what do I say, "I'm willing to give you a chance, even though you're not really immediately jumping out at me....you might grow on me?" Which actually might be the case, in real like, who knows?:confused:

I'm rather discouraged because I did a search of available men in my area on-line that fit my criteria and vice versa and boy is the supply very short. Perhaps there was some sort of exodus because when I did match.com about two years ago, there's seem to be more people. I wonder if anyone has any experience with this. Perhaps the popularity has waned?

I'm rather discouraged because I did a search of available men in my area on-line that fit my criteria and vice versa and boy is the supply very short. Perhaps there was some sort of exodus because when I did match.com about two years ago, there's seem to be more people. I wonder if anyone has any experience with this. Perhaps the popularity has waned?

What's even more discouraging is when you've been doing it for a few yrs now like I have and start to see the same faces over and over again. I started out like you, giving the "process" so much effort and time. Looking at it as a way to possible meet someone I could eventually share love with. It was discouraging to spend time getting to know someone I liked (personality, humor, etc.) and then have it disintegrate because either a.) they weren't attracted to my plus size or b.) I wasn't attracted to them for some reason.

Attraction is not only about "looks" for me.... but sometimes the mannerisms of someone are enough to turn me off. There was a couple of guys I adored before meeting and they literally told me after the first meet, they'd date me if I were 50lbs lighter. This is when I began telling them up front, "dude, I'm 5'5" and 200lbs.... like it or lump it." I think I come from a different perspective because I have faced sooooo much rejection over the years from men I spent hours talking to beforehand.

I took a year off from men in general and just started again with a different attitude. I now treat it as nothing more than a way to get out of the house for a while and meet someone new. I don't go into it with expectations of finding my soulmate. I don't spend hours delving into someone's soul to find out they think I'm too fat in person, or just wanted someone to listen to them a while. It really is a numbers game..... like gambling. You roll the dice and never know what's coming.

I know we're on two different pages with perspective and goals, but I encourage you not to take it too seriously. It's just a way to put yourself out there in the game. If something makes you uncomfortable go with your gut. I wish I were more positive support with this subject, but I've been burned badly numerous times by men who were not who they seemed, or found me disappointing in real life.

Just have fun with it is all I can say... when it's not fun anymore... find a good book to read. ;-)

I have a question... especially for those on dating sites...

What do you think when a guy doesnt have his photo published on his profile, but is willing to email you one? (meaning he obviously has the ability to post one on a computer)

This has happened to me 3 times recently...2 of those times the guy has a g/f... i know because i found their MySpace pages. This last time i dont know yet, it just happened. (All three of these guys are good-looking, so its certainly not them thinking no one would want them.)

Any thoughts??

Jellyibean
Unfortunetly on a dating site when a man is not willing to post a pic it can mean hmmm maybe seperated not divorced or worst yet still married or in a relationship already and doesnt want someone to find his profile. There are legit reasons not to post your pic but I would definately be more cautious and make sure the things they tell you check out. Just my two cents worth.

I have a question... especially for those on dating sites...

What do you think when a guy doesnt have his photo published on his profile, but is willing to email you one? (meaning he obviously has the ability to post one on a computer)

This has happened to me 3 times recently...2 of those times the guy has a g/f... i know because i found their MySpace pages. This last time i dont know yet, it just happened. (All three of these guys are good-looking, so its certainly not them thinking no one would want them.)

Any thoughts??

It usually doesn't bode well in my experience. Usually it means they are attached, married, or separated.

Occasionally I've found it to be their esteem is low and they don't think they'll attract someone with a pic. That attitude is usually enough to turn me away, because I want someone who'll say this "ME! Like it or lump it!" I also had one recently who ended up being a CEO of a big local company and didn't want his subordinates finding him online. One before that was a professor and didn't want his students finding him. I had one who refuse to cough up a pic AFTER I emailed and asked for one! ....NEXT!

I know we're on two different pages with perspective and goals, but I encourage you not to take it too seriously. It's just a way to put yourself out there in the game. If something makes you uncomfortable go with your gut. I wish I were more positive support with this subject, but I've been burned badly numerous times by men who were not who they seemed, or found me disappointing in real life.

Just have fun with it is all I can say... when it's not fun anymore... find a good book to read. ;-)

Thanks for your comments and I'm sorry you've had such disappointment. Actually, I don't really take this too seriously at all...how can you? Lol. I know you have to take this with a grain of salt. If anything, it helps me reflect on my life in general and what relationships mean to me. The problem, I see it, with this on-line thing is that there are those that see it as a fast food dating or like a singles bar...and those who see it as a way to meet people. Meeting people is just that...a way to come across one another just like anywhere else...it's just that on a dating site, you assume people are looking for romance or some recognizable semblance of it. People say things in their profile like looking for someone to spend time with and eventually develop a long-term relationship. But who knows what that means? And everyone's idea of spending time is different.

What I feel is that people are not simply willing to "chat" a bit to get a sense of whether there is rapport. I don't mean chat for months and months, but even for a couple of days, just to see if there is an understanding in a basic way. If a guy finds you physically appealing, he'll immediately give you his number or ask for your or suggest a meeting...cutting to the chase. I realize meeting in-person is important, but I feel that the odds of finding each other attractive are higher if there is some history and comfort...at least for me. I'm not looking for 4th of July fireworks on the first meeting...in fact, I would be wary of that because I know that is short-lived. I just find that there's generally a "what's in it for me" and very defensive attitude all-around. I'm trying not to be like that as I communicate with people, but it's hard because that's how a lot of the men strike me as. Everyone seems very "touchy", which tells me there is a lot of pain out there. So whenever some guy doesn't answer or is like the guy last week, I just think of this and feel sorry for them.

At this point in my life, I know that successful relationship are not built on that (immediate fireworks) although many may disagree--I guess we are all different, but I prefer a feeling that is more comfy and cozy, like a warm blanket. Being able to spot that special rapport and if someone "makes sense" to me is the hard part...feeling chemistry or thinking a man is attractive is easy....realizing that he's worth getting to know is much more of a challenge.

I have a question... especially for those on dating sites...

What do you think when a guy doesnt have his photo published on his profile, but is willing to email you one? (meaning he obviously has the ability to post one on a computer)

This has happened to me 3 times recently...2 of those times the guy has a g/f... i know because i found their MySpace pages. This last time i dont know yet, it just happened. (All three of these guys are good-looking, so its certainly not them thinking no one would want them.)

Any thoughts??

With me, it seems that it's because the man is in some sort of business where he is worried someone will see. Last time I did this, I met a guy who wasn't bad-looking and he did not post his photo, although he sent me a couple. The reason is that he was a cop, not a street cop, but kind of undercover and protected dignitaries. He wanted to see me again, but I just wasn't ready and he seemed kind of anxious to get physical. Of course, these men could be lying, but he wasn't real smooth enough, I thought. And during dinner he got a call from one of his kids (he had to schoolage, was divorced) and he was asking if she finished her homework. (I doubt a player would do something like this.)

But I would guess that there are definitely many marrieds or cheaters who are on-line and don't put up a photo.

Yep, that's what i was thinking.

Married, engaged, or girlfriends at least, because they're all young (its on the AgeMatch dating site).

Thanks!

I never put a photo on my profile for all to see - it took me over a year to do it here. I'm just squeamish about my privacy. I always had one available for anyone who wanted it.

I don't think not having one posted is necessarily a bad sign.

I also don't think that it's a bad sign is they don't post a picture. Maybe they don't their friends to find out that they are looking for a date online. And some people feel that to use an online service shows desperation. When my YM's dad was single after his second wife's death, he had a myspace page... one of my YM's mom's friends found his page and told her. So from a potential gossip and potential drama point of view, I can understand why someone would want their listing to be more discreet.

I'd also like to think that a lack of pictures indicates someone who isn't too vain about themselves or on a mission to make every moment in their life a Kodak moment, both of which are good traits to me.

I think the bottom line here is this: We all have our own list of qualities that we would like in a mate. I also think that it is up to each individual as to when, how, where, you decide to meet.
The point here is that it should be up to you.....you hold as much power as you choose to. Don't give it away to some guy online or in person.
My choices are different than anothers..........I will not respond w/o a pic b/c I feel that if I put myself out there...he should be free enough and strong enough to do the same.
I will not respond if they do not want to get to know me. First through email, then phone, then in person.....all are under MY timeline and MY comfort level period.
It really is working for me. Just not sure how bad I want a relationship at all now that I have plenty of possibilities lol.
Blessings, TD

I think the bottom line here is this: We all have our own list of qualities that we would like in a mate. I also think that it is up to each individual as to when, how, where, you decide to meet.
The point here is that it should be up to you.....you hold as much power as you choose to. Don't give it away to some guy online or in person.
My choices are different than anothers..........I will not respond w/o a pic b/c I feel that if I put myself out there...he should be free enough and strong enough to do the same.


I agree.

I would never think of being a paid member of a dating site, and not have my picture on my profile. I think the sites say that something like 80% of the people wont respond to a profile without a pic. I KNOW most men wouldnt.

Youre looking for someone to date...you want to see who this person is. I'm not looking for some kind of gorgeous man, but i DO want to see who they are.

I had to feel confident enough to put pics up, and i think they should do the same, unless its for a business reason, then they can email me one. And i have all of that written in my profile, so they dont think i'm just being shallow.

I think the bottom line here is this: We all have our own list of qualities that we would like in a mate. I also think that it is up to each individual as to when, how, where, you decide to meet.
The point here is that it should be up to you.....you hold as much power as you choose to. Don't give it away to some guy online or in person.
My choices are different than anothers..........I will not respond w/o a pic b/c I feel that if I put myself out there...he should be free enough and strong enough to do the same.
I will not respond if they do not want to get to know me. First through email, then phone, then in person.....all are under MY timeline and MY comfort level period.
It really is working for me. Just not sure how bad I want a relationship at all now that I have plenty of possibilities lol.
Blessings, TD

Good post TD!! When I finally decided that I didn't really WANT a relationship with all it's burdens and drama, that's when they came out the woodwork! Before when I really WANTED a relationship, the crickets were chirping, LOL

I think the one I'm seeing now would have run if I'd said I was looking for something serious. Going into 3rd week and for someone that just wanted a "casual dating experience", he's wanting to see me like 2-3 times a week, so go figure. I'm sure at some point down the road, we'll have to decide if it's headed somewhere. For now, I'm just enjoying the companionship without all the hassles of heavy feelings and uncertainty.

It's a refreshing change for me actually, but that scenario doesn't work for everyone. It really is what the individual makes of it, in terms of what they want and will tolerate.

Hey Gypsy THANKS..........sounds like all is going well for you!
Yes, everyone is sooooo different lol but I still say to ( especially in an online situation) keep your own power, play only by your rules, what does anyone have to lose that way?
Might as well go for only the ones that make you feel at ease from the get go and not put up with excuses and the "maybe he is being honest" or he "might" be ok if I give him time,.....usually those situations only get worse with time.
It is just so easy to say "NEXT":yes: Feels good to LOL.
I also won't bother to answer a "I'd like to get to know you" when they have no bio or an just a "I'll tell you later or send me a message". I mean really, how lazy is that?
What? He wants to meet someone but doesn't have the time or skills to say anything about his world and what he's into? PASS LOL
I am not as much of a harda** as I sound.......for the ones who make me laugh or I can really relate to? I am very excited to get to know everything about him that he wants to share.
Who knows, it might turn into romance but I try to at least find the ones who's friend I'd like to be.
Blessings, TD

I think the one I'm seeing now would have run if I'd said I was looking for something serious. Going into 3rd week and for someone that just wanted a "casual dating experience", he's wanting to see me like 2-3 times a week, so go figure. I'm sure at some point down the road, we'll have to decide if it's headed somewhere. For now, I'm just enjoying the companionship without all the hassles of heavy feelings and uncertainty.
I think that most men are scared of dating a woman that says that she's only looking for a serious relationship. And I would say that most of my boyfriends have been exactly this way, and when they found out that I was good company and a great girlfriend, their actions (wanting to see me a lot) conflicted with them having said they weren't ready to be serious about any woman.

And there is a also a side fear for men that a woman who only wants to be in a serious relationship is willing to get pregnant in order to accomplish her marriage goals. Another fear they have is that most women are crazy and they need time to determine our sanity factor before they commit their heart. Then I suppose, they want to make sure that they got the hottest looking woman possible before settling down. I think that the hotness factor is really only to impress their friends and co-workers and less for their own pleasure.

Interestingly, I've started an email exchange with the guy who had not photo, but offered to send them and then they were kind of far way. We all are different, yes...but he has passed my first criteria...he actually seems reasonably normal at least from my definition of that. He can actually exchange emails with some semblance of being a human being, which is quite refreshing. He's pleasant, polite and isn't asking me weird questions or being suggestive. That's a good start...for me.

If he can behave that way toward a stranger through e-mail, that's important to me. Of course, having things in common, and finding eachother reasonably attractive is another thing...but for me...I've had enough "chemistry" with men to know that what's important is that he's a human being to start with and can treat others well. For me, character precedes it all...I don't care how hot or rich or funny the guy is...if he shows a lack of character, it turns me off very quickly.

Btw, for those interested in the topic of the childbearing issue for OW/YM relationships.

This man who I am emailing through the on-line site is my age (48) and is divorced, has never had children, and does not want children.

For those who have followed this thread. If you will recall, I started it due to a message from a guy I thought was cute, but then after about two exchanges he suddenly asked, "Are you free tonight...do you want to meet?" And this was like 4pm....not giving me much time. I had replied saying I wasn't feeling to0 well and perhaps we can meet at another time--which was true and also as a rule, I don't do last minute dates until some bond or regular dating situation as been developed. And had never heard back.

Well...I had wondered about a couple of things:

1. Does he just want sex because I have heard this before...and quite often the guys who are ready to go meet you in an hour.

2. A bit wary about him being younger and his age preference for females was something like 27-42, which me being 48, I was obviously not in that category, so again I thought...hmmm.....

Well..interestingly, I received a reply from him yesterday. He asked how I was feeling and said he had been out of town on business for a while. I also noticed that he had changed his age preference on the high end to "49". I plan to reply to him, though I haven't yet. I'll keep you informed....

It sounds like this guy got a good feeling from reading your profile and just cut to the chase and wanted to meet you before his business trip. Maybe he was worried that you might get taken before his return. And some men don't factor in that sometimes a woman likes to take some time to get ready for a date. He may also prefer a woman that doesn't take hours to get gussied up.

Good luck and keep us all posted!

Yea, sounds like he might be sincerely interested and didn't want to scare you off with his age preference and changed it.

Funny thing happened this week to me with online dating.

I was the shoe on the other foot it seems. Been chatting/email for one week with a 40yr old with lives an hr away in New Orleans. He balked at calling me (said he had a headache), which I found a bit unbelievable since he wanted to continue chatting instead. If you feel that bad, go to bed!

Then I made the statement that I don't chat for weeks without a phone call or scheduled meeting, at which point he proceeded to read me the riot act for being pushy.

Here's the thing. I'm currently seeing a 34 yr old (going on 4wks) and current y/m is pushing things up from "no strings dating" to a more steady deal. I actually like the current y/m, but wanted to see if the older guy was more compatible with me before making decisions about exclusivity. I also keep in mind that y/m has not taken his profile down and offered any kind of verbal commitment yet. But his actions are starting to feel like it's growing into something a bit more substantial.

My perceived pushiness with older dude was me working on a time line for making some decisions here, but oh well. We'll never know now. I'm suspicious of anyone who balks at making a phone call when I offer up mine and they can easily *67 theirs out. First thing I think is "little wife is in the other room".

Yea, sounds like he might be sincerely interested and didn't want to scare you off with his age preference and changed it.

Possibly...I also noticed that he changed one other thing...where it asks about wanting children. Previously, he had listed "Someday (2)" next to it and I thought maybe that's why he chose not to contact me again. But now I looked at his profile and he changed that to "Not sure". Interesting....