Children

Well, I've recently begun a relationship with a slightly older woman (by six years); we've known each other a month now, and have gotten so close in that time -- it has been quite magical...

so much so that she brought up the subject of children, and it has suddenly become our one sticking point in a relationship that is otherwise perfect.

It's not that we're in direct conflict; for me, having children is something I haven't settled on either way -- it's not a particularly pressing matter for me, and in many ways even though I'm in my early thirties (o.k., maybe "mid" thirties), I am still getting on my feet after a very rough long-term relationship and feel like I'm at least several years away from being grounded enough to bring another life into this world...

she's approaching forty, and her clock, as with many women her age, is ticking...

so the real sticking point lies in how much time she feels she can wait before having a clear idea that I'd be fully committed to having a family with her -- she's not sure she can wait a year, and I'm not sure I'd be in a safe place to make that firm committment for at least a year or so....

I want to honor her needs... but at the same time, I feel like just as we were getting caught up in a wonderful romance, she's brought children so front and center that I've been denied the chance to prove myself a worth mate in all the other respects.

Not sure if I can pose a specific question; I think I really just need to vent about it, and perhaps hear from others who have dealt with how the age difference has affected relationships when it comes to ye olde biological clock...

- monty

Well, I don't have any advice for you, only support in that we have dealt with this situation several times and still have not resolved it.
I am 34 years old and my y/m is 20. Now, he had no children of his own, but loves kids and would like to have one of his own, just not now. I would need a tubal reversal surgery to be able to have one, so it might take me longer to get pregnant and there is more of a chance that I will NOT get pregnant.
All of this being said, I have three children of my own, and feel that if my y/m does not have a biological child of his own he will regret it. I also would like to have this child BEFORE I am 40.
He says he wants to have a child eventually, but he is not ready now. I am saying, hey, I can wait a year or two but not ten..... *sigh* I am almost afraid to discuss it any more because I don't want to push him, but then I don't want him to miss out, but then I hear that old biological clock chiming "you better do it soon or not at all" ARGH!
So there was my venting on the whole subject... *smiles* I'm sure it did not help you one bit, but at least now you know you are not alone.

This is one subject that really digs me deep. Me being 38 and my Y/M going on 23 it is one thing I think about alot. He doesn't seem to mind but my children are 20 and 14. I am capable of conceiving but for how long? Am I cheating him out of a normal life? and just what is a normal life? Am I holding him back from some of the experiences that I have already had the joy of experiencing. Will he regret it later? Why do I seem to care about it more than him? When I look in the marraige announcements in the paper I always see two young people getting married I think that could be him.
I think that I just love him so much that I have his best interest at heart. The funny thing is...I usually only have these feelings when we are not together.
It's funny because alot of times when we are together he makes me feel like a 20 year old.
We were at the store last night and the cashier was ringing us up and he came up behind me and put his arms around me and asked me. "Are you May or December?" and I said...I think I am December and he said "I love Winter." I know what he meant. Sometimes I think he's been around alot longer then me. LOL

Hi,
I do not know your situation but seems to me that a month or even 6 months is too soon to know if a couple is going to be stable enough together to raise a child.
I feel for all the women who's clock is ticking........I had my child just a month short of my 35th b-day.......never thought I would have children and never thought I would be raising one as a single parent......it ain't easy. Of course now that she is in the world I could not imagine life without her.
As for a relationship with a y/m.....myself personally......I think that if I had fallen in love with a man who wasn't sure if he wanted children in the future and/or didn't already have a child/children of his own..........that would be one too many obsticles for me to handle.
Of course that is just me and everyone has their own issues to be sorted out.
I wish you well.
Bright Blessings, TD

It takes a year (or more) to have any idea at all if your relationship is something that you'd like to have go on for a lifetime. It just does. What she's saying by insisting that she can't wait a year is that regardless of whether or not the two of you stay together, she wants to have a child, and she'll raise it alone if she has to. This is more of an invitation to be a sperm donor than to be a father. I'm sure she doesn't REALLY mean it that way. It's probably just the fear of not having a child at all that's driving this - but the end result is the same.

Anything IMHO is better than rushing into parenthood with ambivalence. It's not fair to the kid and you can bet that under the stresses of parenthood, the ambivalence isn't going to just vanish. It's a fairy tale that "after the baby's born, it'll all be OK".
Often it isn't.

I can't tell you how to convince her that she is more than just a potential mother and that having children is not the ONLY option for how to live your life. It may not be possible to change her mind, in which case she's gotta do what she's gotta do.

I don't encourage people to have children unless they are fully committed to doing so. I just don't think it ends up working out very well.

Hi Monty.

Congratulations on your new relationship!

Yes, it is much too soon to decide to have a child together, but you must respect her for having opened the issue to discussion. Her situation is difficult and I am sure that she doesn't want to invest deep emotions in a relationship with someone who isn't willing to start a family as soon as possible due to the time constraint of her age. For her sake, you should think very seriously about that part of your future in order to give her an idea of whether or not you would be willing to have a child in the next year or so. If you decide that you won't be ready, then perhaps you should break off the relationship so that she can find someone who is ready. You seem to really care about her, so hopefully you will put aside your baggage from your previous relationship and resolve this crucial situation as soon as possible. Also, if you are in your mid-thirties, you are certainly old enough to decide whether or not you want children. I think that the issue of children is the greatest problem in OW/YM relationships and that it should be resolved before the couple gets deeply involved if the woman is approaching or past forty.

Good luck!

First of all, thanks for all the replies people... good to have a space to toss around these various dilemnas...

Alas, my ex as I now call her, has decided that she and I are on different life paths, and has given me the heave-ho.

It is early to be talking about children, however the earlier the better to get things that are concerning you both out in the open...rather than not of said anything and the topic wasn't talk about...then a few years down the road...........................uh ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh you say babe lets have a baby.................and she says woooooooooooooooooooooooooooa ummmmm what? I'm to old................lol..........ok not funny but the mind blow could be there.

I tend to agree with Terry......our situation in age difference with our men are the same, and children...although mine are 18 and 21....the thinking was the same in thinking whats best for him.

We have talked about it..and time and time again he tells me he doesn't want any? I say well that's how you feel now but time changes....he does give me reasons why his disission is no.
I tend to belive him, on the count his spirit is older than old.

Anyhow I have told him he can take his time....5 years if need be, then let me know, cause I feel that's a ripeeee age for me..laughs.

I don't think what persons age is to stop having kids, as long as she's in a healthy state BODY and soul, and no complications with her health it's ok....I do have a best friend who had her first child at almost 43 years of age and her second a year later.
And a sister of mine whom had hers at 42, and all tends to be no different than when she had her other 3 boys who, the youngest one is 11 years age difference from her baby girl.

good luck in whatever you 2 decide:)

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet spoke to soon! arghhhh

sorry to see she gave you the heeve hooooo hmmmm *bump* :(

I think she was determining if she wanted to continue the relationship. And dating a man who wants children is a priority for her which is fine screening criteria. I didn't get the impression that she wanted the child right now but rather that she wants a child eventually and needed to know if you felt the same way. And if not then 'heave-ho'.

If indeed after one month she wanted to get pregnant with you then run for the hills baby! But if she was using it as a relationship screening tool, then sure, it's a valid question for the future.

I had my first at 38 and my second at 41. Easy as a summer breeze.

Cindy

Cindy... I wish mine had been easy as a summer breeze! My son weighed 9lbs 2 oz, my youngest daughter who was right at the "door" but couldn't make it, was born with emergency C-Section at a whooping 10 lbs!!!!!

She fine now though. Only problem is that she always leaves the house through the windows. :p

Yellowrose,

Can you still feel it? Ouch. The carrying of the kids was fine but the birthing of my first was like hell in a bucket. The epideral didn't take on him and essentially I delivered naturally. Oh damn!

I screamed and had such a fit that on the second little guy, the doctor made sure I was doped up immediately. I never, ever, ever felt a thing. Got the epideral right when I got to the hospital and delivered him without a hitch. Left within about twelve hours at age 41 to get home to my first son.

But 10#, oh yellowrose, I have a new respect for you!!

Cindy

Greetings all!
Tick Tock! Sorry to horn in on another's thread, but the subject really hit home. I am 38, YM 28, we've been (living) together for 2yrs. My YM wants to have children "later", but he's under the misguided notion that I can give him 10 sons when I'm 50! I am in good shape, look younger (so I'm told) than my YM, but let's get real!!!!I have discussed this w/ him, but we are not in a stable living/work situation at the moment , he's building a business, I am in a mid-career switch that involves a lot of travel. I would like to hear from other "older Moms" about thier experiences, especially how the birth affected thier relationship w/ the YM, physical recuperation and societal issues. Thanks Ladies (and Gents!)

[FONT=arial]Oh my god do I have a reply for you. My YM now my husband of two years was very clear on not wanting children yet, he was 20 at the time and I was 34. Well guess what I got pregnant and he was faced with the fact that we were having a child, I have two older kids already that he loves as his own. we talked in depth about our options and he desided to support me with this pregnancy. Now our daughter is 14 months and he couldn't be happier. We cant deside when the time is right sometimes and we don't know what our feelings are going to be until we are faced with the dilema ourselves. I know that our situations are a little different because we didn't plan it. What I am saying is that if you love this person and a child is in her dreams with you , you need to either sink or swim ,,two loving parents can never go wrong or the time can never be better than the present. I love my daughter dearly and although my husband wasn't ready we are managing just fine with three kids all together. We have a house on the way and we are very very happy. Take care and be safe.

I was grateful to see that other women had the same "child" concerns as me. My husband and I have been married over a year, and I too wondered if I was depriving him of an experience he may someday want; his own birth children.

Though we discussed children before we got married, and he was comfortable with adoption, I was worried that my age was against us! Then we were recently questioned about our age gap, and HIS not having children!

My husband told the guy he loved me, and if WE, wanted children, we could adopt! I also now know we can adopt from the Ukraine, with no age problem!

We probably have the largest age gap on this forum. When we were going out, neither of us ever asked the other how old they were. We didn't even know "ages" until the day we went for our marriage license! It didn't matter. With good health, working out and open attitudes, most "older" women and younger men, I've met, fit well together! We do. And I'm 55 and he is 27.

life is all about making choices, and the choice to have children is one of the most important. no one can really advise anyone on such a personal decision, but its obvious that if she's ready and you're not, you both must be totally honest with each other.

for what it's worth, my older wife went into early menopause (at age 42) when we met, and although i was in my early thirties with no children, it was never an issue. i knew i couldn't live without her and that's what mattered. her son, now the same age i was then, has married and given us the world's cutest granddaughter.

Welcome Sonnet. You don't have the largest age gap, but you do have one of them. We're 28 years as well. Been together for almost 2 1/2 years now.
Chris, nice to see you post!

Thank you for taking the time to greet me! It is wonderful to live in a day and age (and country) where we can "take the risk" of beimg who we are. (Even if it isn't always easy)

After digging out of Boulder's snow storm, I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate your willingness to be "public."

I find it interesting that, while most people say they want to be in good relationships, and want that for their friends as well; many are leery to accept one when it does arrive.

I do a once a week radio program in California, and the constant thread of callers is that relationships are supposed to show up a certain way. Although, bless their hearts, they aren't sure what that way is! (Nor are many willing to be risk takers to participate in a loving relationship!LOL)

So, I am glad to meet folks with integrity who are coming from their heart. Look forward to reading your words soon.
Blessings,