Age gap AND long distance

Hi,

I'm new here and I'm having some trouble dealing with all the complications that come with a long distance age gap relationship. I am 21, and my boyfriend will be 35 in a month. We met when I was studying in Australia (he actually worked for the study abroad program, and was the first Australian I met!) As cheesy as it sounds, we basically fell in love right away and dated seriously the entire 6 months that I was there. I just came back to the states a few weeks ago, and we're trying to stay together until I graduate next summer and I can move out there to go to grad school and continue our relationship. It has been unbelievably hard since we separated, though we've been good about talking almost every day. I am very committed to giving this relationship a real chance--I'm saving money to go see him in December for two weeks, and I'm thinking ahead to the logistics of moving there. He is harder to read, however. Ever since we started dating, he's worried that because I'm so much younger, I will eventually leave him. This happened to him before with a girl a few years older than me who he thought he was going to marry, until she woke up one day and decided she was too young. Anyway, I try to convince him that you can never know how long something will last, regardless of age, and the fact that we are so deeply and crazily in love should be enough to warrant giving it a real shot. I know he loves me so much that when we're together, he won't end it just out of this fear. However, now that we're doing the long distance thing, I'm afraid it's strengthening his fears and weakening my arguments because he can't easily recall how wonderful everything is when we're together. We are both so, so sad and lonely, but I think it's almost worse for him since he's living in the same apartment we were sharing etc only now he's alone. Basically, I need support and advice. The only way this will work is if we are both optimistic and hopeful, and I sense that he is struggling with that. How can I help him see how worthwhile this is, and ease his fears about the future? And how do I keep myself from being overwhelmingly depressed about our time apart? Thanks!

Hi Dorothy and welcome to AL. First let me congratulate you on what sounds like the start of a great relationship. You may be the younger one in your partnership, but your view of what its going to take to make this thing work, sounds very mature.

My distance doesn't compare to yours, but I've been at this LDR stuff for a few years now. I can tell you that one of the things that keeps me going is the belief that we belong together and that we are steadily moving toward that time. Each goodbye marks the beginning of another countdown, another interval of planning for the next visit. I hate those goodbyes, but having a goal and a time frame has been an immensely helpful. My best friend had to be separated from her fiance by half a globe for nearly two years, but from the moment they parted, they knew exactly when they would get to be together again. My point is that while neither of you can predict exactly how this love story will turn out, you can bolster its odds by planning for it to continue.

I have to tell you that you are absolutely right about how difficult it is to be the partner who remains in the place that you shared together. Those little pieces of you that are left behind are probably really hard on him. My YM tells me after every visit what I left and how hard it is for him to pick up my stuff, even my dirty dishes. I posted once that he left a styrofoam MacDonald's coffee cup in his car cupholder for about a week because it reminded him of me and he just couldn't part with that. The last few visits I have cooked for him while I was there and he struggles with the leftovers, remembering the conversations we had while we ate particular meals.

Keep talking about those wonderful times you guys shared, but make sure he understands loud and clear that you intend to come back. Set a date and start talking about what you are going to do when you get back there. It really does help....although, I will say again, LDR's suck!

Hi Dorothy!
Welcome to Ageless love!
My husband and I started out as a online LDR. We had 6000 miles between us (he in WA and me in Norway), so I know that the LDR can be done and it can be succsessful. You will find a lot of other LDR stories here that either started online or IRL that now are living happely together or like Rozie that are on her way to close the distance ;)
Why don't you ask your boyfriend to join this place as well... maybe that will help him to get rid of his fears?

My relationship of just about 2 years now, started out LD. We are 24 1/2 years apart in age (with him being older). Several weeks ago, I moved to where I am 2 1/2 hours drive from him (as opposed to a three hour flight).

It's now 113 miles, according to Google Maps. And, I would be totally lying through my teeth if I said that "being closer" geographically didn't make a differerence.

But, I also know, from being "around" LDR people for so long....that it's not nearly as simple as "moving".

For every LDR that has "worked ouit", there are many more that have not. So, it's time to be realistic.

Figure out what you want, and what you would be willing to negotiate with all of this.

And, most important of all (and the one thing that I know that will be thrown to the wayside with all of this) take care of yourself.