I'm getting old....

I was looking for information on OW/YM relationships, because I'm married to a YM, for 7 months now, (I'm 40 - he's 29) and although I love it, there are still issues that bother me and the issues are directly related to the fact that I'm older. So, I'm glad I found this webpage. Already, I've been helped just by reading the messages.

My biggest concern....I'm starting to look old and it bothers me a great deal...subsequently, I'm afraid he will not be attracted to me as much. He totally disagrees with that, but you know, I still have the fear....any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Welcome to Ageless.

I am 55 and also married for 7 months is to a guy who is 29. I can't tell you how much I wish I was only 40. It's all in how you look at it. You worry about an eleven year gap and we have one that's 26.

I look older than he does. That is a fact of life. Right now I'm sick as hell from a chest cold and I look and feel ancient. I was sitting in the bathroom hacking up a hairball and here he comes standing in the door while I'm trying not to look like the Queen of Mucus. Is he disgusted? Does he tell me that maybe he's made a mistake? Nope. He tells me that I look cute. How the hell can you be cute when you are purple from coughing?! But the look in his eyes said he wasn't lying. He helped me back to my chair and got me a glass of PowerAid.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Believe him when he says that is love for you is not based on how you look. It won't happen over night, but you have to start letting that worry go. If he wanted someone younger...he would be with someone younger. You can spend your life beating yourself and him up for something neither of you can change, or you can let it go and feel loved. Trust me the latter is so much nicer.

Peace,
Bear's Angel

Thanks, Bearsangel...I agree, it's much nicer to believe him and feel love, than to worry about it...and for the most part - I believe him, it's just that sometimes those doubts creep in on me and I need a little reassurance..

I am 43 and have been living with my boyfriend who is 19 for 6 months. I was worried about the same thing and, like you, finding this site made me feel better right away. I found a British site which said that one of the things these younger men love in the older woman is her mind. Her knowlegde and experience. It is true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

My boyfriend tells me that what makes me beautiful IS the fact that I am older. He loves everything about me and really doesn't see the age on my face at all. If he does, he finds that it makes me even more beautiful.

This may sound a little silly but since finding this site and getting support from my boyfriend I now look at those sports illustrated swimsuit issues and know in my heart I am just as beautiful. In a different way, but still just as beautiful.

Why thank you! It's my favorite - it was taken by one of my daughters approximately 2 years ago - so there have been some changes...... I think I'm dealing with the issue, but only with help from this board and by learning to hear my hubby's appreciation.

That was my biggest fear, now married 13 years later I don't care because the way I see it we are both getting older. If it makes you feel better keep yourself up and just look the best you can, excercise, and eat right, although you look good still. But I choose to take care of myself and that's all you can do. Dont worry like Bear says beauty is in the eye of the beholder. :) :) :)

When I first started emailing my sweetie last June, I dieted and exercised like MAD (he's 19, I'm 37). I did lose quite a bit of weight, but man....things are NOT as firm as they used to be! Never in my life have I been so critical of my physical appearance, simply out of fear of not being attractive to a younger man. I would do almost anything to hide my body thinking I'm overweight, old and unattractive. Thankfully, we have a wonderful honest relationship and I expressed my fears and finally was able to "reveal my true self" to him. When he told me I was beautiful, I broke down in tears.

True love is loving the whole person....it's the sum of all the"imperfections" that make one whole perfect person. :)

Btw Red - judging by that pic, you should have no worries. :)

About 4 months ago, I broke up with a woman who is 8 years older than me (I am 27). After 3 months, we talked and forgave each other for the mishappenings in our past relationship and agreed to start anew as friends. So far, everything is going well, and I am happy to have this person back in my life. We are'nt a couple, and may never again be. But there is always that chance. I love her. And I am not afraid to say it anymore. I just read RedOakGal's "getting old" post, and Bear's Angel's response. I just want to say that I admire you both for your courage to Love. I have some sadness that my friend and I are no longer a couple. I have to own that I got scared of the age difference, and have had my own ambivalence and fears. But the one thing that has not changed is my Love for this person, and I feel that if we cannot be lovers, than I would love to be her friend for the rest of my life, if that is possible. I am amazed at those of you on this site who talk openly about your relationships with younger men. Truly, my eyes, heart, and soul have been opened, by what I have read here. And truly, my eyes, heart and soul have been forever opened and changed by the older woman who has graced my life in the past 12 months. I am touched by the example of Love in your relationship, BearsAngel, and by your story too,RedOakGal. And I am hoping that my friend and I have another chance. The beauty that I most appreciate about her is truly the person that is on the inside, not just the outside.

Thank you guys so much! I really appreciate the comments and the advice - I know these things logically, but sometimes...ya know? Anyway - today i feel kind of silly even worrying about it - I know with all my heart he loves me AND desires me - for me.

Hi Red,
I am convinced that this issue crops up at some point regardless if our men are younger or not.
I will admit that, for me, it does seem to be on my mind more now than it ever has before. However, I have never been almost 43 before and since I am in a relationship with a man of 22, I don't know if I would feel differently if I were alone or with someone closer to my age.
He calls me beautiful every day and never lets a day go by without telling me how much he loves me........guess I have no choice but to believe him or live in constant fear of something that I cannot change.
Bright Blessings, TD

I'm 46 and my YM is 30; we've been together for 6 mos. I had a big problem with the age difference, he couldn't care less - he asked me out because he thought I was 35! I've been concerned because he wants to marry me. Anyway, I was really afraid that my YM would eventually leave me for a YW until I realized that my ex-husband (who left me for a YW) is 6 years OLDER than me, and he left. So, I figure there are some men who leave for YWs at ANY age...there are no guarantees, and it really doesn't matter what age the man is. Some go for the younger women, some don't. My YM adores me, and age is really no concern any longer. His younger female friends didn't really accept me (jealously, maybe?), but the guys do and people who didn't know us before don't even question it. I guess we look close in age.

He used to say when I brought the subject up that I was forgetting he was getting older too. I've decided to take care of myself and stay right where I am until he catches up (LOL)!

Take care and best of luck to you.

Let me tell you what I'd tell any OW in your situation: Just be yourself, that's the only thing that matters. If any man can't accpet you for who you are, that's his problem. I bet your YM loves you just for who you are. Don't worry about growing/looking old, because the more you do that, the less time you spend just simply living and enjoying life.

Your Y/M stills does the little things for you? He still takes you in his arms and comforts you? He is excited when you and he are participating in activites (bike riding, gardening, puzzle assemby,etc)? He does not shy away from taking you out in public? He makes PDA's?
Guess what... He loves you just the way you are. I assume you have been married before? If not, you do know when a man loses interest in you? That is the time you have a legitimate reason for concern. Do you think he married you thinking you would never age? Everyone ages, and so will he. Maybe he will age and knows you are the best for him. Women at any age who are good friends ( and great lovers) are fantastic life partners. If everyone had that in their relationships "divorce" would be unknown.
Love him as much as he loves you. make life count for you and memories that are good and you can cherish.

There's always BOTOX ! just for smoothing *laughs*

People like to be unique.... If you have a "beauty mark"; does that make you unique? The wrinkles in you brain indicate intelligence... Therefore, wrinkles on your face make you unique and not a cookie-cutout woman. I decided that I am not average but just a little off the beaten path. I can enjoy not being like everyone else and can demostrate the same.....

In my opinion he married you and you love him he loves you. You both made huge leaps of faith. So really I think you have nothing to worry about as long as you are both in it together.

A saying I like the more you sleep and worry the more you life will pass you by.

Don't feel old, get bold!

I just wanted to say that :),
I just read this thread, and I know for me Betsies Thread
.PRODUCT JUNKIE (http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1916&perpage=15&pagenumber=1)
Was one that got me going, and made me feel real good, in control and dang I learned alot!!!
Just wanted to share

Your Fabulous! For a woman who is 40.....wow! I hope I can look like that in 18 years.

As a person from the younger spectrum....believe what he says. My SO has his 'older' qualities, but that's what makes him so handsome to me.

I love his hands...they tell years of experience :)

Congrats on your marriage! Don't stress about the small stuff, the good times will pass you by if you do ;)

Best of Luck :)

Oh Red!
Well I understand you completely, I am in a similar situation. We may be "holding up well", but THINGS WILL SLIP AND SLIDE. I think that looking younger/ hot when I met my YM may in fact have done me a disservice, because he was , I believe, first attracted to the outer package and may expect that it won't change. I am told I look "younger", but (much further down the road) when I am 60 and he's 50, etc., etc, I am afraid that he will be disappointed. Although my YM says that my uneven temperment poses a bigger risk to our relationship than physical ageing, I worry. He, like many YM in AGR, is an old soul, in many ways more mature than his OW counterpart, and of course loves for reasons deeper than looks. However, he is young and European and, I suspect, believes that I will look like Sofia Loren (whom he professes to adore at her current age) in my more advanced years. I fully expect to be more of a rolly-polly earthgrandma in Birkenstocks. I am motivated to pull myself together, and I do dress better than I ever have in my life, but who am I kidding? I will not always be hot.

We do run the risk of poisoning relationships with our insecurities, and it is the responsibility of our YM to put our fears to bed, up to a point. We may always fear that he will one day wake up to this Old Hag and head for the hills,no matter how cereberal, trusting or simpatico our relationships.

I don't have a pat solution, but drawing attention to the "problem", whining and discussing our insecurities ad nauseum w/ our YM is obviously NOT an option. I have seen more than one YM leave an otherwise treasured OW for this very reason.

Thank the powers that be that we have each other!!

Judy will say to me every now and again (usally after one too many1800 shots) That I should have a youger woman and that see does not see why I think she is beuatiful. I just give here a big Kiss and tell her That I waited my whole Life to meet her and not to woory,Because I love her. Judy is 61 , Iam 45. Steve

Your pic is gorgeous, Red Oak!

My Robin (who is sixteen years younger than me) said:

"There are attractive 20-somethings, and attractive 30-somethings (I was 36 when we met), there are unattractive 20-somethings and unattractive 30-somethings. YOU'RE attractive, and YOU'RE what I want. If you didn't turn me on, we wouldn't be able to have the sex that we have."

Guys HATE when we're all cool in the beginning of the relationship, and then as it gets serious, we turn into paranoid phreaks, analyzing every little thing they do and say, and comparing ourselves to all the other women in our midst.

In my experience, guys are pretty simple: They say what they mean, and they mean what they say. If your ym is still bugging you for sex (more than you even care for him to, like my Robin does me) you have no worries. He only has eyes for YOU! Even if you don't see yourself as a beautiful, sexual being, HE DOES! BTW, your avatar is great! I can't imagine ANY man, 16 or 60, not finding you attractive.

I can assure ALL women that men are like that. We men sometimes look around and if one drifts, he is not ever going to be stable with one woman. The difference between her YM and the "drifters" is he is sure about his decision. He has what he wants and is ready to stay.
It is too bad some men do drift. They think the grass is greener and want everything they see. I hope these men end up alone (and likely will). It takes one good woman to make a man happy. The age is truly not a overwhelming factor. Anyone who has a husband who is happy knows this (and be a little aggressive because that can be better than coy and submissive).

Hi Red,
everything has been said I think. Our age gap is huge, but we have been together for five years. Of course there issues, but look at the conventional couples. or marriages, they have the same problems and insecurities.


You can doo everything in your power to stay looking young, but you both get older every day. Try to hang on to our health and try to keep your thoughts positive.

Its a big world and he didn't want to be with you then he would not be there.. No one is forcing him.

It is easy enough to talk about it, but acting on it takes a lot of patience and courage...........if you love each other, you will make it work.

Good luck and be happy.

barb