Lady Starlight
02-26-2003, 06:56 PM
Well, I have been lurking since the beginning of the year. I found this place during a desperate online search for a community to talk about this situation I am in. I'm still not certain how I'll be recieved but I'll take a deep breath and hope for some mercy ;) It's a long post, and I appologize in advance for that.
The upshot is I am miserably married to the father of my ten year old son. He hasemotionally abused me since not long afterthe wedding, but is a good and devoted father to his son, so divorcing him was something I put off until my son became 18. That decision was solidified when recently I was diagnosed with several chronic conditions, one which is robbing me of my sight, and the worst of which is destroying my kidneys. I figure I am going to die fairly young anyway, so why put my son though that emotional turmoil, plus, I would never be able to get any other health coverage with these pre-existing conditions.
My husband still acts the same. No worse (to his credit) but doesn't really take my illness into account either.
But there is another, an angelic young man who has been my rock of salvation before and after my diagnosis. He says I am his best friend, and he takes such tender care of me sometimes my heart aches. He puts up with my illness and bad-marriage induced mood swings When I fight and run away, he fights for me and runs after me.
Normally, I hardly sleep, getting perhaps 4 hours a night if I am lucky. When he's in the same zip code as I am, I sleep restfully. I am healthier when he's here. I eat better. I am just happier. I have never felt so loved.
He's 25 and I am 37. I love him more deeply than I have ever loved before. But he says he doesn't love me.
Several months ago the relationship became very physical. My husband hasn't had sex with me for several years (this was before I was diagnosed) and before that, I always had to pursue anything physical. It got tiring. But my angel desires me. I don't know why. I'm not beautiful like so many of the older women here. I look my age, or probably older. Stress and depression have stolen whatever I might have had once. But he doesn't care. He wants me.
I don't understand how someone with so few years could be such a source of strength. I don't mean to insult all the fine younger men that post here, but it's hard to understand. He's more mature than I am in many ways.
It's hard not being able to talk about it. I can't tell my mother or my friends. It's inappropriate, of course, plus I can't burden people right now. It's tough enough for them to deal with my illness, my mothe especially.
The hardest part is knowing that inevitably he will fall in love with someone and then leave me. I know how selfish an emotion that is. But he's the only thing that makes getting through this possible.
I can't blame him. I'm dying and in a complicated situation. And if his "sorta love" is anything to go by, whoever captures his heart is going to be damned lucky.
I wish I'd know him sooner. I wish he was my age. I wish he loved me. But I am grateful for what he does for me, for what he is to me.
That's my story. Thanks for listening. It's nice to get it off of my chest, even to a bunch of strangers.
The upshot is I am miserably married to the father of my ten year old son. He hasemotionally abused me since not long afterthe wedding, but is a good and devoted father to his son, so divorcing him was something I put off until my son became 18. That decision was solidified when recently I was diagnosed with several chronic conditions, one which is robbing me of my sight, and the worst of which is destroying my kidneys. I figure I am going to die fairly young anyway, so why put my son though that emotional turmoil, plus, I would never be able to get any other health coverage with these pre-existing conditions.
My husband still acts the same. No worse (to his credit) but doesn't really take my illness into account either.
But there is another, an angelic young man who has been my rock of salvation before and after my diagnosis. He says I am his best friend, and he takes such tender care of me sometimes my heart aches. He puts up with my illness and bad-marriage induced mood swings When I fight and run away, he fights for me and runs after me.
Normally, I hardly sleep, getting perhaps 4 hours a night if I am lucky. When he's in the same zip code as I am, I sleep restfully. I am healthier when he's here. I eat better. I am just happier. I have never felt so loved.
He's 25 and I am 37. I love him more deeply than I have ever loved before. But he says he doesn't love me.
Several months ago the relationship became very physical. My husband hasn't had sex with me for several years (this was before I was diagnosed) and before that, I always had to pursue anything physical. It got tiring. But my angel desires me. I don't know why. I'm not beautiful like so many of the older women here. I look my age, or probably older. Stress and depression have stolen whatever I might have had once. But he doesn't care. He wants me.
I don't understand how someone with so few years could be such a source of strength. I don't mean to insult all the fine younger men that post here, but it's hard to understand. He's more mature than I am in many ways.
It's hard not being able to talk about it. I can't tell my mother or my friends. It's inappropriate, of course, plus I can't burden people right now. It's tough enough for them to deal with my illness, my mothe especially.
The hardest part is knowing that inevitably he will fall in love with someone and then leave me. I know how selfish an emotion that is. But he's the only thing that makes getting through this possible.
I can't blame him. I'm dying and in a complicated situation. And if his "sorta love" is anything to go by, whoever captures his heart is going to be damned lucky.
I wish I'd know him sooner. I wish he was my age. I wish he loved me. But I am grateful for what he does for me, for what he is to me.
That's my story. Thanks for listening. It's nice to get it off of my chest, even to a bunch of strangers.