Jealousy.......

Ok....well jealousy came up in another thread about Pretty vs. Sexy and it hit home to me. Decided to start a new thread and share my delima. I am finding myself on a self destructive path and about to ruin my relationship with my y/m (who is 18) --which kills me.

Here is the deal. My y/m lives at home still and up until recently had a bad relationship with his parents. When I met him online 5months ago, he was angry at them for holding him back from gaining independence. I believe its because he is severe diabetic and they are overprotective. Well after much support and advise from me, his relationship with them as improved 10-fold and they are loosening the reins on him slowly. (Note: we are online only at this point only and they are not aware of me.)

Well, his mother has a new friend coming around the house alot and he has talked about this friend numerous times. Lately he refers to this 28yr old woman as his big sister (he is oldest). He likes her and thinks she's a nice person, and always finds it necessary to tag along with them. Now I've tried to blow off my insecurities and not let it get the better of me. But last weekend, Miss "S" as we'll call her came over and watched some of the MOVIES she has been in with the family. YES, she is an actress. (OK... eyes are turning green here.) Up until this point, I was alright. But it started bothering me, and he'd manage to not tell me her name yet as of yet. (convenient huh) So I finally demand her name out of him. I don't recognize it, so I go look her up....... (curiousity killed the cat)

OMFG!!!!!! (burst a vein here) She is a beyond gorgeous and playboy bunny too! Niiiiccce! Needless to say, I logged back in and gave him the riot act and showed a side to myself that I'm ashame of now. I'd thought about giving her name here or a link to her picture, but not sure that is in good taste. Not to mention you girls do NOT WANT to see this body!

Adding insult to injury here, he is a wonderful compassionate soul that tends to attract older woman. He has PLENTY ingame female friends that up until now have not bothered me to much. He has introduced me to a couple of them and I actually liked them. Something has come over me now like a fever though.

We hashed out this incident about Ms. "S" and thought we were past it. Then last night I blew a fuse about an online friend of his, when he refused to tell me who he was playing with. He said he was afraid I'd run off all his female friends if he let me. And my jealousy was scaring him.

Guys, I guess I'm just venting and know this is about me. I used to look pretty damn good when I was younger. Now at 38, with 15yrs of abusive marriage and young kids under my wing, I am 60+lbs overweight and feeling really down on myself currently. He has seen me on webcam many times. And has seen me with makeup, no makeup, sick, half clothed (giggles) and thinks I'm beautiful, sexy and says I turn him on like a light.

He is now clamming up on me and says I hurt him, cuz I won't believe he loves me and trust him. I made snide comments about the actress and he defended her, saying it wasn't right to put her down to make myself feel better. (hate when he's right) I think his opinion of me is somewhat jaded at the moment, due to my bad behavior. :-(

I do KNOW he loves me. I just have a hard time knowing he is going to face temptation one day from another one of these "friends" he is surrounded by and I might lose him I guess. I have never felt this way before about someone. We were so freakin perfect for each other, and I might have ruined it. I find myself becoming clingy and so I told him we were taking a 2day break to breath and try to fix this. He didn't argue much with me on it, so he probably needs it.

He says I have to love myself, or I will never truly "accept or believe in" someone else's love.... cuz I will not see what it is they love about me. He says his friends are just that.....friends. He says I'm his lover and the love of his life. Guess I'm just feeling like a jealous old fool right now.

Sheesh that was long winded. Thanks for sticking with me.
Feedback appreciated and wanted.

Gypsy

I don't have anything smart or witty to say right at this moment (not that I EVER do), but the first thing that came to my mind was...
How would I feel if my y/m was hanging out with an actress/playboy playmate....Uh, OMG! I think jealousy was a pretty normal response here. Jeez Louise, I don't blame you one bit for the jealousy. I would hate to see how I would have behaved!
More to come...

rough deal!
I don't know if I missed it or what, have you met him in real life?
I am assuming you haven't because you say: (Note: we are online only at this point only and they are not aware of me.)

If you haven't met him in real life, than you really should.


And I am DYING to know which actress!!!!!!!!

PS: actualy if you have never met him and he has an "actress" showing up at his house, are you sure, 100% he is real?

Jody took the words right out of my mouth .... OMG! Take one playboy bunny, add friendship with mother and personal visits to place of residence. Sprinkle over one sensitive young man and I'd say you had a good recipe for insecurity and envy. But don't despair, all is not lost. The two of you have a special bond. It just needs nurturing. Instead of fixating on your shortcomings and making you both miserable, take some time to do something positive just for yourself. Do a little exercise or perhaps stick to a healthy diet regimen for a while. Hey, he has seen you in all your glory (well partial glory :)) and loves you just the same. But if you do it for YOU, it just might make you feel more confident. Because after all it's your perception of youself and your irrational anger at him that is causing you pain.

And we will all pray that his mom gets a new friend. :)

We have not met yet. We are very close and talk nightly on yahoo voice chat and webcams. His mother is a spiritual medium and has lots of high priced clients. She charges $300 hr and booked months in advance. This actress is one of her clients that she befriended.

Yes he is real and the love of my life. I am going through a divorce and broke as hell. He is just starting to spread his wings and gain some independence. Both of us have alot of stuff we have to do before we can fully concentrate on getting together.

Do you think it's bad taste to say the actresses name here?
I'm afraid he'll come to this board and get mad at me for doing that, and feel I'm acting inappropriately.

Gypsy, his moms name isn't Sylvia is it? and his name isn't Chris? is it?
PM me the name of the actress!! I am just dying here, scouts honor I will not say it to anyone!
Wishing you the best
~Tammy

Snow, you're so nosey, girl!!!! :p You know... curiousity killed the cat????? Just kidding.. I'm curious myself.

Gypsy, damn... I can so relate to your whole situation. I'm very much like you. I'm 37, three kids and just don't think I'm all that worthy of a YM anymore. I don't blame you for freaking out about a gorgeous woman hanging around your guy. I would be the same way.

I had a very recent online relationship too, and I let jealousy get the best of me. Of course there was an ex girlfriend playing into my situation, too. But still, why be jealous? If a guy tells us we are beautiful, sexy, and that he cares for us, we have to believe in them. I do find that long distance, online relationships are hard. It's very hard to tell if someone is being honest with you, but they can work, provided you give someone their space and don't make them your life. As with any relationship you have to trust the other person unless you have real proof not to. (Then of course, you walk and don't look back. ;) )

Jealous destroys everything. I wish there was a book to read, a course to take, something that would cure us of this jealousy thing, because it hurts us the most.

Be strong, Gyspy, your guy sounds like a good one. Give him trust and space. :)

Snow Princess, stop obsessing...... its not that one! I don't feel right divulging her name or his mother's name. He knows I go to this board and might check it out.

(removed pic)

UPDATE:
We got into tonight and he vented on me about everything. Said I was becoming this paranoid, clingy person that didn't believe in him or respect him. How do I put this....... my 18yr old BF just gave me homework to turn in by Saturday evening!!!!! Or he will not continue the relationship, and I will have to get healthy on my own. Not that he isn't saying we can't try again when I do.

Here is my assignment:
http://www.members.cox.net/gypsyheart2001/respect.bmp

**For anyone not able to see the image: Bubble in middle of page with word RESPECT in it -- four extending bubbles branch off. Points are SELF WORTH, TRUST, FAITH and LOVE

On each point: List 2 positive examples of where this occurred in my life. List 3 ideas of how I can show this now. I think there is an essay to follow, LOL

He feels this will force me to do some self-discovery, and prove to him that I'm willing to *work* towards getting healthy and being the person he needs me to be. He said he loves me with all his heart, but the stress I'm causing us thinking he is going to abandon me or cheat is not good and he wants it to stop.

Well kiddies, I'm 38 and have homework to do. Seems this is the only way to make up the damage I've done with my emotional spiral I went in to and save something precious to me.

Will let you know what my grade is! =P

Hi Gypsy,

She is a stunner and I don't doubt he's stepping on his tongue. The part you're leaving out is that it takes 2 to tango. What makes you think she wants a diabetic kid? She probably thinks of him along the line of a friend's puppy. Cute, but not something you'd take home. If she's an actress she is looking much higher than your love when seeking a partner.

Tell him it's okay to look but remember that beauty has to be more than skin deep and with actors it rarely makes it past the first layer of skin.

Oh my God...I thought the diagram in the middle was something you posted. Your 18 year old YM gave you that as homework!!!

Why are you wasting time posting and worrying? Why aren't you doing your homework and giving thanks for having an incredible man like this in your life? He's amazing and you need to stop thinking one more minute about this hot babe and realize that if he wanted her he wouldn't bother giving you homework and trying to get you to understand yourself better, he'd be over asking her what her sun sign is.

I always like to apologize with an ecard. Bear and I were long distance for a year and sent tons of cards. My favorite site is www.bowcreek.com. I suggest something beautiful and loving. Writing it will make you feel so much better and he will love getting it.

Arise, go forth and do what you need to do. Your path is clear, your heart is full of love and the future is very very bright.

Peace,
BA

Gypsy, I totally understand what your going thur. I was going thur a very lengthly divorce.I was in a 2 year online relationship I wish i could give give u good advice on this. My two yr relationship ended on bad terms It ended on his jealous and my distance from him. If he would of been associted with a women who looked like the one you posted i would of been hella jealous & probaly having a tantum but thats just me hee-hee. I think you two should have a long discussion about all this and see what you two can resolve.
Much Love
~Christy~

P.S. Here is a link for you to go check out it have many diffrent topics about online love.. It helped me out alot
http://online.lovingyou.com/

sounds like you have an 18 yo wise beyond his years, there, gypsy!!! good luck with your homework! :D

Aw rats, Gypsyheart, the link to your "assignment" doesn't work.
I'm really curious to see it. Could you post it again?

It really sounds to me like you have a very well grounded, level headed man in your life.
I've done a lot of thinking about jealousy because I've suffered from it myself many times. That frantic, "I've got to do something about this right now!" feeling you have is really, really hard to endure. The problem is, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do. If he wants to be with her, or someone else, he will. All you can do is let it be. It's his choice. You can't MAKE him be with you.

He has said he loves you. He has said you are important to him. You have a history with him and a future you've both envisioned. He fell in love with you for a reason. There are things about you that are unique... that no one else can offer him. HE is well aware of the qualities in you that he fell in love with. You probably don't even know what they all are. Whatever they are, the qualities he found in you were things he needed. I know you don't believe you have any power here, but the feelings he has for you are very powerful to him. So you must trust him when he says he loves you. You have no other choice.

The only person you have the power to change is you. There are reasons you feel as if you have no ability to hold on to your man just because another woman who is physically beautiful happens to be around. There are lots of beautiful women. There's only one you. The fact that you feel less able to be loved because you're comparing yourself to them, means you need to work on yourself. (No, not by dieting or changing your looks necessarily, but on your negative self talk.) I don't know what your young man gave you as an assignment yet, but I hope that you do some work on your self esteem above and beyond whatever he gave you to do. An excellent book to help you learn how to stop listening to the negative tapes you play in your head and start being the real self you've buried under all that negativity is Self Matters, by Dr. Phil McGraw.
Everybody on these boards is gonna get sick of me recommending Dr. Phil's books, but he really has some methods that can help you. I am working thru this book myself right now (HE gives assignments to do too. :)).

I've had some experience with what you're going thru...
I was involved in an online, long distance relationship with my s/o, Jonathan, for 7 months before we met, and then for another 7 months before we moved in together. (We're coming up on our 2nd anniversary of the day we met in person.)

Two weeks before we were due to meet for the first time, he attended a conference in California where he met up with some other people who we both knew from the online site where we'd met. The site is a game developers site comprised mostly of programmers and computer people. One of the programmers he was going to meet there is a woman (Tess)... a total rarity in the world of mostly male computer geeks! Then, I found out not only was he going to be hanging out with her (and another male programmer) but they were actually going to be staying IN the hotel room she AND her female cousin were staying in.

Immediately that terrible cold fear took hold of me. That certainty that I had absolutely no chance to "win" over this female programmer. Tess was his age, highly intelligent, pretty and did the same thing he did for a living and for her hobby.
He was a virgin. He was male. He REALLY wanted sex. He had never met me face to face. She AND her cousin were going to be there. Real. Single. Available.
I was 24 years older than him, overweight, carrying terrible baggage from former relationships... I felt utterly powerless. I was completely, absolutely positive I was about to lose this man who had become the love of my life.

At first I was panicky. Then I decided I needed to talk to him. I was utterly fatalistic, but determined I wasn't gonna screw things up by freaking out at him. I let him know I was very concerned and that I needed reassurance from him. I did not let him know how truly upset I was. Sometimes being on the other end of an internet line is a blessing. He couldn't see my face to know what I was going thru and I was determined not to let him know.

He told me he couldn't prove to me that he was going to be faithful, that all he could tell me was that he loved me. I had to let it go at that. When he said goodbye before he left for the con, I told him I loved him and told him to have fun.

I had several sleepless nights while he was at the conference. I cried most of that time. It was horrible. I was sure I had lost him.

Then he was back. That first night online with me after the conference, he was happy to see me, was telling me about the conference... and I'm sitting there in a cold sweat, stomach knotted, waiting to hear that he'd been with the Tess... or her cousin Amy. He said they'd all gone to one of the parties together. Then I found out my worst fear had happened... kinda.

Tess's cousin had sat with Jonathan at that party while Tess and the other programmer were dancing. Amy came on to him. She had put her hand on his thigh, and was hitting on him... when for some reason she asked him what the most important thing in his life was.
He answered in one word, "Valerie". She removed her hand, and asked about me. And the rest of their conversation was about me. (In a conversation months later with Tess online about something unrelated, she mentioned the incident to me as it had been related to her by Amy. Her version of events was pretty much the same as Jonathan's. She commented to me that she was rather envious of our love since she herself was still single and looking. :))

Two weeks after he returned from that convention, we finally met face to face. Our first meeting was wonderful, exciting, scary, wonderful, exhilarating... did I mention wonderful? :D
The following year, I attended that convention with Jonathan... along with several other programmers, Tess and Amy. :)

I learned a huge lesson in trust. I learned that I had no control over the outcome. I learned that I had to let whatever happened, happen. I learned that I could control my emotions when it was necessary, at least in front of Jonathan. And I learned that Jonathan was trustworthy.

The thing about jealousy is that you don't know what it is about you your partner loves. You don't know how much power that love has in his life. You don't realize how important you are to him.

The thing I realize now is that fear in a relationship isn't about the other person. It's about our ability to handle whatever happens. We have to realize that we survived before we met them, and that if something happened we'd survive after them too. Since your fear is about you, you have the ability to get it under control. It's all up to you how you react.

Your man has told you he loves you. It's up to you to decide to have faith in that. If he doesn't live up to your faith, you will survive. If he does... that trust you'll have in him will grow and the two of you will flourish.

Good luck to you Gypsyheart. We're all pulling for you.

~Val

Thanks Sherwood,

I described the image on the earlier post in case it still isn't working. Very simple diagram.

I appreciate you sharing your story with me. I would have done the same thing. Problem I'm having now is my y/m is hurt by all this and we are having major problems getting past that.

He and I are in a vicious cycle right now. He poured his heart out to me and said last night that it felt that all he did wasn't good enough when I could not TRUST HIM. Well, his homework assignment and talk made me finally BELIEVE his love was true, but now he is guarded and we have temporarily lost the "magical" connection we had......where we both felt safe and love freely poured out or hearts. We both seem now way too guarded and almost waiting for the other shoe to fall. It breaks my heart that I caused this with my baggage.

Last night, he'd had enough of the stress and asked me to do my homework and get back to him when I'm done it. AND to take 2 days to do it, cause he needs a breather to mend. We are out of sync now and the walls are up....... my heart hurts.

Oh well, I told him to take as much times as he needs to mend and miss me. I will do my homework, and hope he comes back to me with his heart open again. Hope I get another chance.

Gypsy

Gypsy I'm smiling a little as a write this. Dave and I have been there and done that.

What now looks like a huge pothole and maybe insurmountable is not a problem at all...it is an opportunity to work together. *Together* you will fill it in and smooth it over. *Together* you will build something that was stronger than when you started. Like a broken bone where the break heals stronger than the surrounding bone, you are repairing the issue of trust and when the two of you are done it will be a non-issue.

I'm afraid that pain is part of the growing process for a relationship, so are misunderstandings and that feeling that you have really blown it. It's all part of learning to be an Us rather than a You and a Me. Dave and I look back on those times now just to enjoy reflecting on how far we've come in the last 4 years. It's hard to remember the issues that seemed so critical at the time. All we remember is that, one by one, they brought us closer together.

With us, Dave was the one with the baggage. At only 26 he was so sure that there was no such thing as love although he desperately hoped he was wrong. It took us a year to really throw out all his baggage, there just seemed no end to it sometimes. For him, going to therapy helped because he just didn't know how to have any self-esteem or to understand that he could change his thinking so that he could focus on the positive rather than being negative all the time.

The tool that helped him the most is the book "Feeling Good" by David D. Burns. He learned how to control the bad thoughts, stop all-or-nothing thinking and how to change his thinking so that he could let go of the pain. I've enclosed a link to a page from the book. I think you will find much of what is there to be very helpful.

http://www.bpd.net.nz/articles/twistedthinking.html

Read this page, do your homework and try to focus on the good things. When you are ready to talk with him again you will feel more ready and be more open to starting to leave some of that baggage behind.

(((HUG)))
BA

Ps: Val thanks for the amazing story. Jonathon is quite a guy. It's amazing how many of them there are and how they just don't seem to mind the baggage and worries. We really tend to under estimate our YM, don't we...

SherwoodSpirit - excellent advice. I am sure it is of great help to GypsyHeart, it certainly has been useful for me.... Thanks!

Yes, the advice given here has been most helpful to me, and I'm sure others that pull up a chair long enough to read through it.

BA, thanks for post and link hun. I read that page and yup, that's me! The hardest part of all this, is trying to heal and grow without ruining this fragile gift I found. I wish I could put him on ice, long enough for me to get through this process. But we've come too far to let go now.

On a side note, my trust issues run deep. Neither of my parents wanted me when I was born (mother was 16) and I was dumped on grandparents. Never saw father after age 5 again, mom and I have a long history of dealing with her alcoholism.... and we have a soso relationship now. I don't think there was one family member that didn't have major dysfunctional issue!!! Childhood from hell is an understatement.

When I met my husband, I totally for the first time opened my heart up to him and loved with all of me. When I was 2wks post partum after our first child, he proceeded to confess that he had slept with the secretary (unprotected) *during* my pregnancy (and slept me afterwards while pregnant) AND a 17yr brazilian girl (unprotected) while on a business trip in Brazil right after the birth. I was devasted, not to mention the HELL we went through having all of us tested multiple times for disease.

That was 9 yrs ago, and another child later. I was so convinced back then, that he would NEVER do something like that. I hated myself for being so foolish and not seeing "the signs." Over the years afterwards, I lost my inner soul trying to "keep it going".

Here I am today, with the emotioinally abusive husband on his way out (divorce soon)........ and this beautiful soul on his way in (hopefully). It is very very hard for me to trust blindly like I did 9yrs ago. Until I quit considering myself a fool for trusting hubby back then, and beating myself up for it..... I am fairly sure I will not be able to BLINDLY trust my y/m. Does this makes sense?

In turn this hurts my love, because I end up expecting him to repeat history. (He is too smart and intuitive for me to hide it.) Sheesh, I think I'm officially "bleeding" over everything pure and good in my life from all this pain.

I am going to check those books out and think about making a therapy appointment (no money right now). But I won't be able to even mention my y/m to a therapist. They will blast me for entering another relationship after ending an abusive one. Guess you guys will just be getting an earful..... err eyefull....well you know =P

((((hugs to my new friends))))

Gypsy

Kiddo, a lot of us were abused childen and wives. We trusted and we hoped and we worked and we cried and we finally had the good sense to get the hell out.

A while back a woman posted here who was tortured as a child by her father...as in pulled her fingernails out with pliers. She stopped by to tell us all that she healed and that we can too. After reading her horrific story you would think that she could never trust anyone, but she's allowed herself to let go of the pain and move on. The secret is in letting go.

You have to forgive yourself for trusting the wrong man. You had no reason not to trust him until he betrayed you. Shame on him... *not* shame on you! It's his fault and you should not bear the guilt for his sins.

As for your parents...you can't choose them you can only do the best you can. Not being wanted hurts but look at her a 16 year old child herself and who knows what if any support she got. Her life may have been hell, it certainly can't have been good if she is an alcoholic now. Most people drink to drown some kind of pain. Maybe once you learn to trust and to love yourself again you and she will have a better relationship.

As for bleeding over all that is pure and good...well remember in some symbolism blood is purifying. It is life itself and perhaps it can wash away the pain and guilt and recrimination.

Please trust me on this...you are building. You are NOT destroying. The tears and the pain are driving you to grow and heal. Read what I wrote about Dave's journey to healing in the post "He's Back in My Live Again" on page 3 of Relationship by a lovely woman named Midge. I think some of the things said there might help you.

You have to be open with your therapist. If you go to a therapist and he or she says one unsupportive word about your relationship you get up and walk out. They are there to help not to judge. I worked with Dave's therapist as much as I could being 500 miles away. I went with him to the first meeting and sent her a letter detailing my point of view about our relationship. We were going to do a conference call but he moved here before we could get it set up. She never said one word about me being 26 years older and he was always pleased to tell her how we were doing. :)

You be proud of the love you have found and never ever hide it from the world. Love can't grow in a dark place.

Hugs,
BA

As BA mentioned, we really DO tend to underestimate our YM, and VAL!!! Thank you so much for sharing that story! That's EXACTLY what I went through last Sept. when Robin went on a 3-day campout with some buddies (girls were known to stop by at these campouts). He was so excited to be with his buddies, because since the age of 17, he had been a responsible father of his son, and had NEVER had the chance to go on this annual event that all of his friends since high school went on. He'll be going on another one in May, and I might or might not get to go, depending on my kids' soccer schedules, but if I don't, I'm going to have no choice but to TRUST him, because he hasn't done anything to betray my trust thus far.

It really is all about feeling in control isn't it? It's about the fear of losing control, of ourselves, should something unthinkable happen. The thing is, nothing is guaranteed, from our time on this planet to the depth and longevity of love. I think what WE DO affects what our love becomes. What WE DO affects everything around us, like ripples in a pond. If WE trust, our s/o's can trust. If WE love, our s/o's can love. If WE give, our s/o's can give. If we do these things unconditionally, as a part of who we are, we get these things back tenfold. Like Karma, or as the Bible says, "Reap and ye shall sow". It's all what WE put out that determines what we get back. Robin used to say to me, "Would you like it if I didn't trust you? Would you like it if every time you went to go meet your friends, I threw a hissy fit?" Well, of course, my answer was "NO!" So I guess it goes back to "Treat others the way you would have them treat you." If you, Gypsy, had a mom who was a massage therapist, and Brad Pitt happened to be one of her clients and came over to your house (let's say you lived with her) and got massages all the time, would you want your ym to give you grief over it? Could you help it that Brad Pitt was your mom's client? HEE HEE (Hey, I can't say I woudn't LOOK if Brad Pitt came over to my mom's house to get a massage!!!) :D But you wouldn't sleep with him, would you? I wouldn't. I can honestly say that with a straight face. Besides, he's probably stuck up in person. Either way though, I'm committed to Robin, and that means everything to me.

Jealousy is understandable, but CONFIDENCE is the sexiest thing to a man. It really, truly is. Men love women who love themselves. Haven't you ever seen those really big woman, but they do their hair, nails, and make up just perfectly, and carry themselves like divas? I've seen men go absolutely BANANAS over them. It's because they're so CONFIDENT in who they are. They know they're not a size 6 (few people are, comparitively speaking) but they also know what they ARE: Beautiful, sexy, smart, funny, personable, intuitive, interesting, and they know something else...that those plastic little stick figures don't hold a candle to their personality!

Wanted to say thank you to all that posted!! I think I was blessed with this y/m in my life for so many reasons. My whole life I had the worst possible self image and lack of confidence. I really think it started at 9 when I had suffered some major abuse and never received counseling for it. As a teenager I walked with my head down, staring at the ground, and literally slept from age 10-13.

Ironically, I was probably one of the prettiest girls in school, but no suitors. You are so right about the confidence thing! In my marriage, I had to deal with weight gain and a husband that compared me to every thin female that walked by outloud. At 38, I was at a point of giving up on life and myself.

Enters a y/m that saw my pain and had compassion enough to forcibly shake me back into the real world and *try* make me see myself through different eyes. He said once, if it killed him.....he was going to get me to "see myself through the eyes of people that loved me".

I want to grow and reprogram my brain and I'm on my way to doing so. My best friend said she's seen major growth in me these last few months..... and most it due to my y/m and friends coming out of the woodwork. Some here on this board.

I stressed my y/m out so bad, he requested a 2 day break from me. So I gave him that space and did my "homework". Last night I logged in and within seconds, he was "bouncing" like a happy puppy to see me!! So my goal is to become stronger and wiser with each passing day. And hopefully one day soon, walk with my head "up" and *know in my heart* that I'm special.

((hugs to all))

Gypsy

I'm so happy to hear that your ym and you are back on track! :)

I want you to know that you are not alone. A lot of us here have suffered terrible emotional and/or physical abuse as children and in our marriages, and that overcoming that baggage is extremely difficult. I'm getting lots better, but still working through mine. I used to call myself "The Reigning Queen of Jealousy" here at Ageless *queen wave*!

I'm going to get the book Val mentioned too, but I wanted to share another good book, "Your Erroneous Zones" by Wayne Dyer. It changed my life and my perception of myself forever, and got my head to the place it needed to be for me to be able to meet and have a healthy relationship with Robin.

Hey, I was just reading your posts gypsy heart, and of course all of the responses. Nothing like good old jealousy. I don't know where you live, but if money is an issue right now, sometimes public health organizations, (such as a local county one) offer therapists free of charge. It may be a long shot, but potentially a worthwhile one. And some counselors are willing to work with you financially. If you have medical benefits, you may be able to be covered up to half (or more, I think if you can get therapy prescribed by your Dr.) But, I do agree with Bears Angel--Therapists are not supposed to shame and humiliate people for the choices that they have made in life; they are supposed to be there to help you gain understanding, perspective and insight. If they do shame you, get up and leave. You don't sound like you need more crap in your life right now. I know I don't need more in mine. Also, you may want to check out the Mental Health Parity Act of 1996. I don't know if it was a bill that went before Congress or just in Michigan, but I do know that it states that mental health is on equal footing with actual medical health, and therefore insurance should cover all or part of the bill. Try it on a search engine like Google, and let me know what you find. My insurance company had to change their policy for mental health because of it in late 1999, and now they are paying half of my bill. Whereas before, I had long ago exceeded the previous 5000.00$ lifetime cap on mental health services, and had to pay for ALL of it. I wish you very well.