Far From Fulfillment.

Like my alliterative title? I appologize in advance if this is in the wrong forum. I've tried to adhere to the guidelines. And I know being a newbie, and making a thread in junction with it, can make me seem like a self-interested floater. And this thread is probably a TL-DR piece of material. ;)

And that's my.. :confused: appology? Here goes.

To call it the biggest moment in my young life would probably be an understatement.

My situation with an LDR is complex; however, I realize that any LDR is in some way or another complex. So I want to share my experience with you all. It may help. It may not. But I have concerns as well, and I felt the need to reach out.

The first thing you should know is that I'm a 22 year old college student, about to complete my BA and pursue a dream of going to law school. I come from a small family in a rural community of Canada, so financing my ambitions haven't been easy, and they may only continue to be difficult.

About five years ago I met a friend online. We shared an interest in creative writing, both being word-smiths, but the interest never spilt over into a romantic domain. For the last three years, however - when I started university - I've been talking to this friend on the phone. Talking made me aware to the intimacies of this girl's life, and like all good romance stories, love eventually ensued. And though it may sound strange, I've also developed a fondness for her family. She's 27 years of age. That's five years in difference, but honestly, it has never been much of an issue. In the larger context of our strife, however, maybe the age difference has played a role. Via my lack of experience, and therein some degree of immaturity. I've trusted her. I've cherished her. I've addored her.

But I've also hurt her. Last year I made a terrible mistake. In a drunken stupor I made out with a girl. I confessed my crime, and a process of healing began for us both. As I pondered my actions, I came to realize that I was not immune to the temptations of having.. well, a regular life. I realized that, indeed, I wanted a regular life, with a "regular" girlfriend that I could take to dinner, watch a movie with, and share intimate moments with. I was weaker than I thought I was. And all it took was a little alcohol to make me realize the mortality of our relationship. The follies of a LDR, and the difficulties I so arrogantly thought I was above. That I egotistically thought I could subdue.

The following months were difficult. Not because she wouldn't forgive me. She did. And it took time. But because my faith in my resolve grew weak. I wanted what everyone else had. I was envious. And in part, I felt entitled to be so; I had never had a real girlfriend, a real relationship with all the physical creature comforts that so many seemed to take for granted. And I felt that, after 22 years, I needed to seize life. College life isn't like highschool, either. City life isn't like outport life. I actually clicked with the people around me, instead of feeling aversive to them. So we took a brief break, at which time I dated, but avoided intimacy out of a sense of guilt, and I suppose respect, for the temporary nature of our pausing. And the three years I was risking in the process. It was an especially hard period for her.

But a buddening social life conflicted with my long-standing three year LDR. Somehow we lasted through those months, but I never felt satisfied or one bit happy once we resumed the distance thing. But I'm glad we lasted. Because last week we met. And I cannot do justice to the scenario in a short paragraph. I was nervous at first. And physically, I wasn't immediately attracted to her. Even though I had seen pictures before, things are invariably different in person. But this all changed soon enough, and I found myself falling for her all over again. Awakened was all she has done for me. All the good times and bad times she has been there for me. And for one week, my friends.. for one week, all my dreams were realized, and a difficult three years were rewarded in full.

She left just the other day. And we're both somewhat astonished at the degree of sorrow that accompanied the parting. But now I'm faced with my final year of university. And with it, a decision. It's really my last opportunity to meet unique people, to have a social life with like-minded people in an awesome environment, and to have it all with someone in the vicinity. Because one of the girls I temporarily dated, for some reason, really took a liking to me and wishes to pursue our brief stint at going out, of course taking it to another level. She's beautiful. Smart. And like-minded. Most appealing, we can do things together.

But she isn't "her".

Maybe it's just too soon after this LDR girl of mine went back, and I'm still recovering from the sting of mourning our rendezvous. I have no idea whether or not I can piously pursue a long distance relationship when I go back to school in a week. Either way, I have to let someone down, which I'm not good at. I have to grow a spine, and I know this, but I'm not sure what decision I'm going to make. My logic is obscured by my heart. And my heart is obscured by envy. I don't know what to do.

If you have any questions, if you're meeting someone yourself, feel free to ask. If you can lend any insight, experience, or opinions of your own, I'd be very appreciative of your efforts as well.

Thank you in advance. And again, I appologize for the length of the post, and any errors made in posting it. :)

How far away is this online girlfriend of yours? And was there any talk of what you might do after you graduate? I have said this many times, but the thing that keeps my LDR going is the belief that it is all temporary and the desire on both our parts to see it end. I honestly do not think my BF thinks about anyone closer to home, and if another woman fell in his lap, I don't think he would be tempted, because it would mess up all that we want together. It doesn't sound like you are in the same position and someone closer to home is what you want. The question is, can you wait for this longtime friend of yours? Or, do you even want to wait? Knowing what you two have talked about is really critical in knowing how to advise and support you.

How far away does your LDR live from you? After your one week together, what are her thoughts about the two of you? Are there plans for one of you to move closer to each other eventually?

Good post Rozie. My bf and I met online and we were bf/gf for two years without any specific plans to live together. We just knew we could not live apart. I, being the older, was thinking that I was letting time go by for no good reason, but I loved him too much to let him go. Finally we could not continue LDR much longer and he moved to Panama.

He was 23 when we met and neither of us physically cheated once since we met online.

But, having said all this. You have a point. You know your priorities. You want to enjoy your youth, your college experience, and meet a girl to physically share things with. Those are very valid wishes. Time does not wait. Not for you, not for your LDR gf. None of us are in the position of telling you what path you should take, but whatever you do, be honest and do the break up soon. If you decide to break up with the LDR girl, do not give her the "lets be friends" line, that is the only thing I ask you.

Good luck in your decision.

You know the answer, you want to be with someone now, so let her go.

She's way too precious to keep dangling on a string while you sort out your feelings.

Be honest with her as you've been with us.

Without knowing more details from you, my initial response is that I assume it must be difficult for you two to meet in person, for whatever reason, or you would have met sooner. Three years is a very long time to be in an LDR without having met at all.

And, since you are already questioning yourself just one week after she left from the visit, it would appear that your heart is not 100% committed to her. While we don't know what your ultimate plans to be together are, you definitely seem to be having doubts about whether you can survive additional time apart. Maybe it's best for both of you if you agree to date other people while you sort out how you feel and what you want. This way, you will finally have the answers to the questions you are asking yourself.

Argh. Login timed out. Need to type this again. :fight:

Sorry, in my effort to be concise (which I somewhat failed at) I left out the important details.

She lives in Boston. So there's an international barrier to transcend. Getting a passport is another financial fiasco, as is the annoyance of customs, but they both pale to the monster of citizenship and employment. These are things we're willing to address. And she has frequently spoke about moving up, once her family gets settled away - her pay cheque currently helps her parents, who are undergoing some financial strife of their own due to medical reasons. The physical distance between Newfoundland and Boston isn't all that huge, in actuality, and the plane ticket is cheaper than visiting many places in my own respective country.

Thank you, Whiterose, and yes it was a very long time. My doubts at the moment mainly stem from remembering last winter/early spring, when I found myself very unhappy with the LDR and its inherent limitations. That's when we took the step of trying to date other people. But she found it enormously difficult, and it troubled her on a level that forced guilt to eat me out inside like an acid. She was willing to bear the burden at the time, because she just wanted me to hold out for this summer's meeting, but I don't think she'd tolerate another split. Which I understand.

Angel, believe me, the last thing I want to do is hurt the girl. I appreciate your succinct reply - unlike my own! I've expressed my concern before her visit, and I know I need to again now that it's done. I told her that meeting assures nothing; that I could easily find it even more difficult to remain a pillar in a distanced relationship once she goes back. Right now I don't feel that way. Every little physical reminder that litters the area turns me into a sorrow swept cliche; an empty coke bottle she used, the package of marshmallows we used to make smoores, etc. That's now. But I don't know what things will be like once I go back. Easier? Harder? Will the memories of our meet be enough to fuel a stalwart devotion for a year, or will they just remind me what a physical relationship is like, and what I'm missing out on?

Thank you for sharing your experience, Sheila! Your words resonate with the ones that occupied my head for many months. Don't worry, I wouldn't use a cheesy line like that, although I think she actually would want a friendship to persist. I'd probably find that more difficult than she would. I'm very glad things worked out for you, and thank you for your well wishes!

Miu, thanks for the response, and yes, already she has initiated discussions about our next meet. I've got a cynical side I've been combatting, however, mainly derived from my financial standing. We've talked about a New Years trip, or otherwise it will have to wait until Spring. In the middle of either semester is not a good idea, because classes are going to be merciless in my last year, and I wouldn't want to have my face in a book if she came up. I can't hop on a flight until I get some time away from my studies, and even then I need to scratch up the money for a passport and ticket. Holiday flying isn't cheap, either, especially when you're a stereotypical college student living on student loans and food from a can!

And Rozie, you raise a very valid point, and something that has been on my mind a great deal. The belief that the hard times are temporary is integral. In a way, they are in fact very temporary. This being my last year of undergraduate studies, it leaves me with just eight months to bypass. Then everyone I've met on campus will be a non-issue (because I'd have to move out of province to pursue my degree), allowing me to sort of start fresh with a commitment to the LDR. However, it's also during that time - grad school - that she has frequently mentioned moving up with me. One eight month hurdle doesn't seem so huge compared to the three year one we've managed to overcome. But I don't want to make the same mistake I made before, and just assume that I'm above the pressures, or that those eight months will be easy.

I don't think I'm a bad guy. I've made a mistake in the past, and I've made every effort to try and understand why it happened, and to prevent it from happening again. I was confronted with my own human nature, and my faith in my personal strength - however pious it was - was shaken. My love for her, however, was not. It's a crossroads that I'm quickly approaching.

Thank you all for your prompt replies! I appreciate them all. As well as your shared experiences. :)

Montresor - I understand the distance. I live just outside of Boston and a few years ago, my boyfriend participated in your rally race up there. We drove our cars (his racecar and my own car as the support vehicle) all the way up through Maine and New Brunswick to take the ferry to Newfoundland. What a beautiful land you have up there!

Eight months doesn't seem all that long to me. And I appreciate your honest thoughts. Why not give it another month before you come to a hard decision about the two of you? I admit that once I met my YM after our LD friendship of six months, it was very hard being apart from him physically. However, it was worse initially and then got better for me after a couple of weeks.

Montresor - I am thinking that you are filled with several emotions right now. Not only are you missing this woman in real life, but you've just had a taste of having a real life girlfriend and you want more of that too.

So... I don't think that you don't love your LDR enough, but you don't want to wait eight months for more real life hugs and loving. Again, try to wait a couple of weeks and sort out your feelings before making a decision. If you think that you will find someone else to love in real life before eight months, then do the honorable thing and break it off with your LDR. If you can wait, then do so.

Even though I hated being apart from my boyfriend, what helped was I knew that there was no other man that was so perfect for me. So even thought I was missing him terribly and there was a void in my life, even if my heart wasn't taken, there was no one else that I wanted to or would have dated.

I started my last year at university a couple of months after meeting my (now) wife and I thought I'd offer you this perspective...

it was actually GOOD to be in a LDR. This is because I needed to concentrate on university and it allowed me to do that. We still travelled and saw each other, we never had a break of more than 10 weeks without doing that, but the impact on university was much less than if I'd had a relationship with someone closer to home. The only time it affected it was when I travelled over for 5 days a couple of weeks before my dissertation was due, the look on my tutors face when I said I was going away was priceless! :eek: :p But if I'd organised myself better it wouldn't have been such a problem, and I had a car accident that complicated things and made it difficult. Other than that, we visited each other in holidays (Christmas, Easter, etc) so it never interfered.

I understand your wanting to be in a 'regular' relationship, because I felt like that once I'd finished university much, much more. But I never wanted to be in a relationship with anyone else, we were very committed to each other and constantly discussed our future together.

Thank you, Miu. You've got a knack for empathy, because you seem to know my situation and my feelings very well. And I'm glad to hear you thought well of our little province!

That's exactly how I feel. I try to be pragmatic and logical at times, but the heart doesn't adhere to precepts of reason and rationality. And when I try looking at things as you do, the answer seems on the surface easy. I imagine the distant future, and all the good and bad moments that occupy it. Sickness, death in the family, starting a family. And in all those scenarios, I can only fathom her being the one I turn to. I don't know if my youth has begotten a dramaticism, but it's why I don't know if I could ever give her up.

And Rob, I really appreciate your perspective and your experience, especially given how simmilar our situations seem to be. I think the pressures to have a "normal" relationship in university are also pretty strong. It often times also defines social networks, of which I really have few (through my own fault, though, as I should/could become more active in societies and groups). And you're absolutely right, I know that a relationship that's "in the flesh" would currently come with some demands on study time. Perhaps my LDR has contributed to the amount of time I devote to my studies. I've never really reflected on it that way before. I'm glad to hear things worked out for you both. :)

Loneliness and envy can be difficult demons to combat. Even with constant communication, I think loneliness is somewhat imminent. And envy stems directly from it.

Rob is right on the money here. I have to say that I met my boyfriend when he was 20, and if he had ever wavered, I would have chosen to stay away from him.

We are also long distance and hoping for that to end soon. Long distance relationships are hard enough without having uncertainties holding things back.

Make sure you are being truly honest with yourself. I hear you saying lots of things but some of them include "Physically, I wasn't immediately attracted to her" and "I don't want to hurt her". You said it was deeper than what you thought and that there was sorrow when you parted. But I never hear you say that you are crazy head over heels for her... And quite frankly that is what you need for long distance to survive.

To sum up, I think if you have any inkling of doubt in your mind, you should carefully reconsider your plan, and make sure that if you ARE going to stay together, that you do it faithfully. One betrayal is hard enough, but two is just mean!

Good luck.

Make sure you are being truly honest with yourself. I hear you saying lots of things but some of them include "Physically, I wasn't immediately attracted to her" and "I don't want to hurt her". You said it was deeper than what you thought and that there was sorrow when you parted. But I never hear you say that you are crazy head over heels for her... And quite frankly that is what you need for long distance to survive.
zoliepup - I wasn't too bothered by his comment of not immediately being physically attracted to her. I felt the same way about my YM when we first met. After six months of online friendship, I had a wonderful image of his inner self, but it took a few days to get used to his physical presence and even his voice took getting used to. I compare this phenomenon to having a favorite novel, reading it many times, then seeing a film version of the book. I still have yet to find an actor that fits my mind's eye of Darcy in Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. And I simply hate what Disney did to my Winnie-the-Pooh books.

And even when there are pictures exchanged, not everyone has the nicest or most realistic pictures to share with others. Even now, my YM and I are not the type to take pictures of each other when we go out, or ask someone to take a picture of just the two of us. The other day, we went to an air show and my YM took almost 300 pictures of the planes, and none of me.

Montresor - Do you and your girl use webcams at all? And I would like you to keep focused on your schoolwork for the next eight months, rather than out chasing girls. :tongue2:

Zolie got to agree with you on this.
When Kai and I met it was INSTANT attraction, physically we said WOO HOO we already had the mentally covered LOL. Even that grew while he was here and even with it being almost a year later despite the mountains we have to climb that attraction is still going strong and love grows more and more EVERYYYYday:)

Zolie got to agree with you on this.
When Kai and I met it was INSTANT attraction, physically we said WOO HOO we already had the mentally covered LOL. Even that grew while he was here and even with it being almost a year later despite the mountains we have to climb that attraction is still going strong and love grows more and more EVERYYYYday:)
But not all of us are as hot looking as you and Kai... :rolleyes: Some of us are more the "plain Jane" type. And every couple's relationship develops differently online. Some get all flirty and filled with sex talk right away, and some are late bloomers or we talk about other stuff. My YM and I never got romantic before we met in real life. Even after we met, our emails were still very old fashioned and not at all "dirty". No cybersex for us.

BTW I'm not making any judgements about your relationship, but just that we're all different in personality and approach. And some of my comments are based on what I've seen and read from other people's online romances and im chats that they've posted online and forwarded to me.

Thanks Zolie, I appreciate your taking the time to post!

But I have to disagree with you on one part. Not having an immediate physical attraction doesn't contradict our emotional attachment. And I can tell you how much I love the girl, and what about her I love, but I didn't feel the need to elongate my post with something that should've been more or less implied. For example, I wouldn't have stayed in a three year LDR with someone I didn't love, and "head over heels" and whatever other cliches that come with the title still certainly apply. I mentioned it was the best week of my life as well, and that it's her I imagine the major moments of my future with, and I meant that. I could go into detail about the individual facets about her that I completely addore, if you want, but I've made people sick with that stuff before. :p

And though I made -one- dire mistake in the lengthly term of our relationship, she forgave me because she understood the fact that no one's perfect, and that the dexterity required for a LDR is often very demanding. She understood that, but I took it for granted. I'm glad to hear your boyfriend has never wavered, but every couple's situation is somehow different, so I hope you don't judge me too harshly! I confessed my crime, strove to understand it, and I wanted to address my concerns because I am honest with myself. It was when I felt myself invulnerable to the LDR pressures that I was decieving myself. When I felt that love was the sole ingredient to a successfull relationship. It's not. It's also about an understanding of the situation, a frame of mind, a way of thinking. In a way, my biggest mistake was also my biggest awakening.

Miu, we've had webcam chat for awhile now, but it's been one-way. Meeting her the other week was the first time I saw her animated! I think you're so right, and I said this to her too. That there's this image, not merely physical, but rather a presence, that you build up of a person you've never met. All the emotion becomes manifest into a dream that's fairly intimidating! But when two people meet, it's like there's a whole other realm to the person to learn about, that the distance almost neccessarily makes one niave to. And though the deeper, rooted feelings may still be there, you need to sift through these new appearances, behaviors, and even mannerisms that are relatively new terrain. It can be quite exciting!

Haha. And thank you, I'll try to keep my nose in a book instead of chasing stray glances from the girls on campus! ;)

This is a very responsive and thoughtfull community. Not to beat a dead horse, but thank you all for your replies so far. I've read them all, and they all offer unique perspectives that only a community approach can provide. I opened myself up, and I thank you all for not sticking fish hooks or anything in there. :)

I just want to clarify because a few people (Miu and you) have interpreted my comments in a way not intended.

What I was trying to point out that your language (and maybe I read to much into it, but you said you were a wordsmith) did not convey excitement for this woman. It was instead kind of flat, and I picked up on that immediately. Later, after I responded, you said you were purposely keeping such language out of it not wanting to "make us sick". I hope that's true...

Of course I will agree that one need not have instant chemical/physical attraction... That can grow. But the words just weren't there to convey a genuine excitement for this person. I got wistfulness, nostalgia, and a desire not to hurt her... I just have to go by what I see in your post. It will do neither you or me any good if I go assuming things that you did or did not mean to convey.

And maybe I was not clear enough when I said, "One betrayal is hard enough..." that I'm not judging you... I would however be much more harsh if someone did something like that a second time.

Good luck to ya... Hope whatever you want to work out works out... I'm not sure what exactly that is from your posts.

Thanks Zolie, I appreciate the clarification. :P

But not all of us are as hot looking as you and Kai... :rolleyes: Some of us are more the "plain Jane" type. And every couple's relationship develops differently online. Some get all flirty and filled with sex talk right away, and some are late bloomers or we talk about other stuff. My YM and I never got romantic before we met in real life. Even after we met, our emails were still very old fashioned and not at all "dirty". No cybersex for us.

BTW I'm not making any judgements about your relationship, but just that we're all different in personality and approach. And some of my comments are based on what I've seen and read from other people's online romances and im chats that they've posted online and forwarded to me.

See though I think that is a special moment between you and your S/O the old fashion way..Kai and I were kinda like that at first as well. I was to scared to death I would be rejected again and hurt like in the past. After the months we spent talking and him coming to American..it was like BAM I never had that experience of feeling overwhelmed and neither did he. It was as if I met my twin in some strange way. I know some do not get that feeling straight away and time helps with that. I do know that even if you do talk online meeting in person is the thing that will tell if it is real or not..mentally and physically:)