Don't Know Where This Is Going, But I Can't Let Go

Well, it's only been a month and a half since I left my boy (hmm...I guess he's really a "man" at 34, but he doesn't seem like that to me) in Australia after six hopelessly romantic months together, and things aren't looking so great. I'm 21, and ever since we started dating he's been deeply concerned about our future together; he's ready to settle down soon, and he wants it to be with me but he knows I'm not ready for the marriage-and-babies part of my life yet. This is incredibly frustrating for me because there's no way I can reasonably assure him that we will never break up in the future. And it seems patronizing, because he says that even though I believe I'm totally in love with him, it may just be the first of many "great loves" I will experience throughout my twenties and he doesn't want me to miss out on these and the lessons they'll teach me. Irritatingly, I sense that he has a valid point...but I am hellbent on giving us a shot, since what we have is clearly so mutual and amazing. Unfortunately, our age difference means that investing, say, three years in this relationship and then realizing it isn't right is a lot less concerning to me than it is to him. I'll only be 24--he'll be 37, which in his mind is "pushing 40" and he wants more stability in his life by that point. We've talked about this before, and I've always been able to show him that he's being too negative, that he can't control any relationship's future regardless of age, etc. But last week, after a week of not being able to get ahold of him, he called me very upset and told me he couldn't find enough faith and hope for our future to keep the relationship going. We talked for more than an hour, during which time we did a lot of crying and laid out all our emotional cards. One thing that is not in question is how much we love each other--he actually said that sometimes, he tries to convince himself that he doesn't love me so much because then it wouldn't hurt so much to be apart and doubting our future. I know that sounds like a bad thing to be thinking, but when I'm really missing him and struggling with the distance, I know what he means. Anyway, the upshot of our conversation was that we didn't end it, because the thought of never seeing each other again and never even trying to be together was too hard for both of us. He says he's going to try to be more optimistic, but I know we're not out of the woods.

I worry that I'm hurting him by convincing him to give this a shot, in the sense that he has--or believes he has--more to lose (ie time) by trying to make this relationship work. What if we get through this year apart and do get together, but after all this I realize, as he fears I will, that it's not meant to be? Will I feel too guilty to move on? Also, I have plans to go to Sydney in December, and the flights need to be booked by October if I'm going to have any hope of affording the ticket. I'm afraid to commit to the visit while we're still on such unsteady footing. I see that we would both survive and possibly even be better off, in the short term, if we gave up on this now. But ultimately, I think we would be sacrificing so much potential love and happiness that it would be a crime not to give ourselves more time together. I dunno...I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to talk him into staying in it, but at the same time, I can appreciate that he might need more support from me in order to stay hopeful and I am willing to give him that as long as this is truly what we both want. So far, I think it is.

Does anybody out there have any thoughts on this? I truly think the tough-love "end it now" advice doesn't take into account the intensity of our connection, and I'm not ready to call it quits, but when does that point come? Any ideas for helping him cope with his negative outlook on our future? This website has been a huge part of how I've maintained my own optimistic point of view--you don't meet that many successful age gap and/or long distance relationships in your everyday life, so it can be hard to imagine it working out for anyone. But seeing how many of you have gotten through the unique complications of these relationships is inspiring. I only wish I could get him to visit this site, or something similar, so he could see how it can be done. Sorry this is so long!

This is incredibly frustrating for me because there's no way I can reasonably assure him that we will never break up in the future.
You know this is something that noone can promise, not even the people that gets married (even though we say in sickness and in health...). Life changes and so does people, and no matter how determind we are to make things work it doesn't always go that way!

Unfortunately, our age difference means that investing, say, three years in this relationship and then realizing it isn't right is a lot less concerning to me than it is to him. I'll only be 24--he'll be 37, which in his mind is "pushing 40" and he wants more stability in his life by that point.
I do undertand the feeling of wanting to settle down, however I would have understood this situation a little better if you were the one that was the older in this relationship, because wanting kids and "puching 40" sometimes makes it a little more difficult to get pregnant. But men can, as we know, become fathers at old age.
I'm not sure how long the two of you have been together... but I also think that you won't need 3 years to find out if you want to stay together "forever"...
When my husband and I got married 2 years ago (same age gap only the other way around) he wasn't ready to become a daddy, but he is starting to get there and he is prolly at this time more ready than me, since I just started school to become a Licenced Practical Nurse... but I think that we will start trying for one in about a year and then I will be done with school and we will know if he has a steady job.
What I mean is that it is possible to take (baby)steps towards something to see if this is right and deside along the way if this is something that you are ready to do.

You know when I married (we had to get married to be able to be together because of him living in USA and me in Norway)Joel.
I knew that we were both gambling and that this might not work long term, but I also knew that I had to give the love we had for eachother a chance. I know that Joel still has some growing to do... but so does I and by allowing eachother to grow inside a marriage I think that we have a very good chance at the "forever and to death do us part":yes:

I don't know if this made any sense at all or if it was just a whole lot of ramble... But I wish you both the best and I hope that you will find your way out of this problem.

Sincerly,
Aina

You know, this is a terrible position to be in. I completely understand how hard it is to be apart, and if my YM were more than a 3 hour flight away, I honestly don't know if we would have been able to sustain this relationship, despite our deep love for one another. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes. Once you are in love, I think its really hard to undo that, just because logic tells you odds for a successful longterm relationhip are slim. I think what I would do is book the flight, make your plans, continue to nurture this relationship and see where it takes you. There are never any promises, as Aina has pointed out. Nor are there any guarantees that something better awaits you both if you end this now.

I'm with my YM this week (you can tell 'cause I'm not posting that much. :)) Everytime we are together, new issues come up. This week it is my health (a minor, minor thing) and the realization that I am physically aging. One does not plan to spend a long awaited vacation ill. Arrrrgh!! Along with that came that old discussion about kids and getting a better picture of what each other's time line is. He's thinking he won't even be interested in kids for another ten years. I'm tired and feel lousy and it makes me wonder if I can wait, and worry about what will happen if in ten years I am just no longer up to it.

My point in talking about my situation is, there are no promises and there are no easy answers. But he and I both believe this issue, while monumental, is peanuts in comparison to how we feel about being together. So.....we muddle on!! :prayer:

Thanks so much for both your comments, joelstrouble and Rozie. You have no idea how nice it is to hear from people who understand and appreciate what I'm going through...a lot of other people see only the problems in our relationship and tell us we're sailing in a sinking boat, and should just give up. It's attitudes like that that break down our attempts to have hope. In the week or so since he called me, having a crisis of faith, things have been pretty good. We've talked more often, and he's started putting in the extra effort to get ahold of me when he wants to talk, instead of waiting for me to call him. We both have a tendency to get saddest at night, but at least when one of us is going to bed the other is waking up and can offer a bit of that optimistic, "it's a new day" outlook. It's a constant struggle, but I think as long as we love each other we owe it to ourselves to give our relationship a real chance.