boris 02-28-2003, 01:04 PM this is my first post. this is the first time i've ever visited this chat forum or the website it links to.
i am a 23 year old man and i've spent the last year with a woman i love more than anything else in my life. i've spent the last six months living with her and it has literally been the best six months of my life. for the last year she told me she was 33, which i had no problem with. yesterday, she told me our relationship was far too serious for her to continue with the lie, and that she is in fact 43. i'm not at all mad at her for lying and in fact admire her for being able to tell me the truth. i think she's very courageous for that and i love her for that more than ever. but the 20 year difference simply scares the hell out of me. and she only told me yesterday, so maybe it just takes time to sink in, but i'm afraid in ten years...
i don't know. it's just, despite the fact that i love her and that she has been perfect for me and i know she loves me, i'm afraid in the long run the age difference might be too great, and i don't want it to be. i feel like i'm being a tiny little person for even worrying about it when everything else, literally everything else, in our relationship is perfect.
i realize i'm not actually asking a question. i'm just...trying to deal with it...because the fact is, it doesn't change the way i feel about her. it just makes me afraid of the future.
kittykat 02-28-2003, 01:12 PM hey, boris....
probably not good that you were lied to for so long, but when it comes down to it, the woman you love is still the woman you love no matter what her age.
it may help to try to get in touch with where your fears are coming from. try to get specific.....(for instance, "i am afraid something will happen to her health-wise and i will be left alone at an early age"....or whatever!). be specific, and then try to tackle each fear seperately ~ define it.
hang in there....
>^..^<
BearsAngel 02-28-2003, 02:22 PM Welcome to Ageless, Boris.
I'm sorry your lady lied to you. From your reaction to her age, you can see why she would do it.
At 55, I'm 26 years older than my husband. The average age gap is around 22 years. You see you are in very good company here.
Of course you are worried about the future. You have to discuss much with her. Children might be an issue, but older women have babies all the time. In 10 years she will be 53 and you will be 33. So what? Right now I have tons more energy than my husband and I'm healthier than he is. So you can't make any generalizations based on age.
What you do need to do is to talk with her. Talk openly and honestly and try to make it safe to be honest. Maybe it makes a difference and maybe it doesn't. You won't know if you don't discuss it. Don't feel petty, your concerns are perfectly valid and we've all had them.
Talk to her, post here more and read. Especially the two posts here and in the Chit Chat board about should why Happy Married Relations be on this site.
You do have a chance of making it and being happy even with a 20 year age gap. You have to work together as a couple and no more fibs...
Peace,
Bear's Angel
TERRI 02-28-2003, 04:22 PM ...The one thing you know you can trust is today because it always comes...let's not worry about tomorrow...forget yesterday...just love me today.
It's not the age...it's the person. Whether 33 or 43 she is still the same woman you loved yesterday.
Don't let a good thing pass you by.
boris 02-28-2003, 05:35 PM thanks for the replies.
i, of course, understand why she lied to me about her age and think she is nothing but courageous for telling me the truth without my having to catch her lie. i'm sure it was difficult for her.
truth is, she's my world. i adore her. and 20 years between us isn't gonna change that. it just brings up new issues that i have no experience in dealing with. so thanks. i'm glad you guys are here.
CarrieG 02-28-2003, 09:38 PM You are a wonderful person to be so understanding of her fear and not being angry at her and your fear is normal at first. And here's the thing, Boris...people can have those same fears regardless if there's an age difference. Who knows what's going to happen in 10, 20 years to anyone? Health issues, physical issues...these are worries we all have for the future. I think you are experiencing shock right now, trying to absorb it all. Stop worrying about how you may or may not feel in 10 years and love one another in the present. Good luck. :)
CarrieG 03-01-2003, 08:12 PM Fear of losing love can motivate people to things they normally would not.
I don't advocate lying, but not everything is always black and white.
MsPCGenius 03-02-2003, 12:20 PM Your age is just a chronilogical number that represents how long you have been on this earth. The reality is that it has no bearing on when you leave.... and/or under what circumstances.
My Sweetie is an engineer who works in an industrial environment. The odds are more likely that he would be maimed/killed or hit by a bus than me becoming a vegetable that he would have to care for. ;)
Life expectancies being what they are and having good family genes :), I figure to be on this earth at least another 35 years and that's still alot of time for two people to have together!
Someone suggested that you be more specific about what bothers you -- I'd say that is good advice. Call me a bit synical, but I have to wonder what other <b><i>little white lies</b></i> might float to the top :confused:
Maria 03-04-2003, 10:34 PM The option would be ...leaving her.
are you able to do that?
Patricia 03-05-2003, 12:13 AM This is a tough one. I think the real issue is that she lied to you. Your whole relationship is based on your belief that she was only 10 years older than you. Your doubts are well-based, so don't feel bad if you are thinking of breaking up with her. Why would she lie about something like that in the first place? What else has she lied about or will she lie about in the future?
I am 23 years older than my boyfriend and we are doing well. Others on this site have similar gaps, so you can be assured that such a relationship can indeed work, but I wouldn't put much faith in a relationship based on dishonesty. Personally, I would never deceive a man about such an important detail as my age, no matter how infatuated I might be with him. That is very selfish. It is like those women who deliberately get pregnant in order to trap a man. It is sad that you have been so disillusioned and have to make this painful decision.
Good luck.
Patricia
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