Need to deal with a situation

Hi {{{{{All}}}}}}
First of all, and I need to say this in advance, please do not judge the decision that I made with my child last September.....I did what I thought best.
OK, here we go.............I moved to this small university town a year and a half ago. I moved here for a position teaching dance and thought that it would be a good place to raise my little girl who at that time was entering the 1rst grade.
Not knowing anyone here was very hard and the hours I was putting in were not allowing us much time together and she, as a result, was getting to bed way too late for a 6 year old.
We got through the year but I was very scared at the thought of another year going by with her going to different babysitters and still not getting to bed until well after 10:00pm.
She is an amazing child, very smart.....too smart sometimes lol.......it has been just her and I since the day she was born. Actually, that is wrong.......my last job was teaching over 500 students and she was loved by all of them. She had quite the family and it went well with her being with me at work.....she was basically raised in the theater...........she knows most broadway show tunes and classical music by heart.
Then school started and our hours conflicted. I made a very hard choice last September to have her go stay with my Mom for the school year.
She is on the honor role, has read 110 books this year so far, is in the brownies, etc.......she is doing great and has loved being able to get closer to our family...... since we are all living so far apart, she hadn't really had the chance to spend a lot of time with my Mom before.
Anyway, we miss each other terribly and she will be coming home in June and entering the 3rd grade here in September. My hours still suck.....always will....but we will work it out. I am scared that I won't be able to do as many things as my Mom, who is retired, and can devote 24/7 to her.....but again....we will work it out.
My other fear??..........She will be coming home to a man in my life and I am not sure how to balance this. My man is ready and looking forward to her being here (they have talked on the phone a few times) but she has never seen me with a b/f before and certainly not one who lives with me and is also much younger.
I know that she would rather it just be her and I........it's all she knows, and I will certainly devote all my time to helping her readjust and maybe go off, just her and I on a few free weekends that I have, but, I do love this man....he is a good man and I think/hope she will love him too.
Other than bashing me for a hard decision ( I talked to her, her teachers, family, friends, etc. before sending her to Mom) do any of you have any advice on how to make this adjustment easier for us all?
Thanks and Brightest Blessings, TD

TD, your decision was a smart and loving one! Good for you, that you had your daughter's best interests in mind, and didn't keep her with you for selfish reasons. She has thrived staying with your mother, you have been able to work, and she will thrive with you this summer! :)

It's hard and tricky to incorporate a man into the picture. You must at all times stress to your daughter that she is and always will be the most important person in your life, and that you will always be there for her, but that this man is special to you, and that your love for him is a special love between a grown man and woman. He will be around also. Encourage her to share her feelings about him. Tell her it's okay to feel whatever it is, shyness, jealousy, curiosity, distance, indifference. There is no right or wrong way for her to feel.

Try not to push them together. Maybe start by having him over for dinner. Sit at the table together, but mostly talk to her. If he talks to her, and she doesn't seem to want to talk back, then he should back off and try again later or another time. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither will the relationship between your ym and your daughter be. It will take patience and time.

I used to use little "tricks" to get Robin and my kids closer. They'd be doing math homework, for instance, and they'd ask me to help them. I'd say, "I'm terrible at math! Why don't you ask Robin, he's a whiz!" Robin would then pipe up and say, "Yeah, what do you have? I'll bet I know how to answer it."

Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. If they acted reluctant to go to Robin, I'd stop what I was doing and help them. If they ran eagerly to Robin, I went on about my business, and didn't interfere in their discussion or put in how "I would do it". BTW, they ALWAYS go to Robin for their homework now! :D He's good at helping them build projects for school too. They LOVE him for that, because I totally suck at it! I'm good for scraped knees and hurt feelings. He's good for pep talks and demonstrations.

The most important thing I can tell you is, YOU have to be the disciplinarian in the beginning, and he gets to be the good guy. This will be the testiest of times, because sometimes he will think you don't discipline her enough (men tend to be like that) when you think it's too much! It's important that for the first year or so, he remain her buddy, but at the same time be your second pair of ears and eyes. He should be able to comment on your parenting skills without you getting upset. He's the outsider looking in, being helpful, and trying to fit into this family. Also, you should make it clear that your daughter needs to respect him as much as she does you, and obey him as well. There will be times when you'll probably want or need to leave her with him, and he should be able to exercise a necessary amount of authority to be able to babysit her. I wouldn't recommend physical discipline by him EVER!

Good luck! :)

Tiny,

I cannot judge you for sending your child to stay with your mom for a school year. I'm raising three kids with no help from anyone, so I know how hard it is to raise a child/children alone and make a living also. And it sounds like her year with your mom has been a good one. There have been times in the past five years that I wished I had that kind of help. I bet your mom treasures the time she's had with her granddaughter, too. Don't beat yourself up on that issue! :)

As far as your daughter meeting and dealing with your boyfriend, that's a hard one. You certainly have to right to have a man in your life, no matter what his age. I know in the past when I dated my kids were just plain weird about it, so for a long time I kept my dating life separate from them. However, you can't do that. You've got a wonderful guy in your life that you love and somehow she is going to have to except him.

When I was 12 I lived a school year with my grandparents. At the end of the year I went home to my mom, then 37, and found her 19 yr old BF living there. My teenaged siblings had been there the whole time. Life had changed. I don't think my mother handled very well, because she never even told me about him beforehand. Not good.

You sound like a wonderful mom, and for the fact you're asking for advice shows you have her best interests at heart. My advice is go slowly with this. Spend your separate time with her, but make sure to do things with him included. He'll have to have some patience with this also, because now he's sharing you, too. ;) Gradually show affection towards him around her. Make her comfortable with him. Hopefully she'll fall in love with him, too. :)

I'm sure you'll get some great advice for some others here who have had this experience, but that's my two cents. Good luck. :)

Oh yeah, I forgot...what Julie said! Do stuff with your daughter alone, leave the bf at home sometimes. I was taking my kids horseback riding every Monday afternoon before the weather got cold. Sometimes we go to the mall without Robin (he hates the mall) or we go to a restaurant we three always went to before he was in the picture. That establishes some consistency as well, that life is different, but still the same.

We also have things we do with all four of us, and these have become our new traditions. Going out for Sunday brunch (we never did that before Robin), going to the movies, and going to his dad's farm on Holidays. We have dozens of little "family" things now, that grew out of my kids' growing relationship with Robin.

if it's any consolation, i think this is a good age for this sort of transition. my parents divorced really early in my life and i never much knew my dad back then. when i was about 6 my mom started seeing, then living with my step father (who ultimately turned out to be abusive, but i liked him at first), and i adapted pretty easily despite being a pretty big mommy's girl at that age.

my own kids are 3 and 5 now, and although their dad was around (albiet working a lot) before we divorced which differs from your situation, they seemed pretty kosher with the one attempt i made at cohabitating with somebody new about a year ago. the guy was younger, and they seemed to really like his energy and outgoing nature. he, like Polly said, stayed totally out of the discipline area and mostly just played with them like a friend or big brother.

also, at his (and my ex's) insistance, we kept the whole physical contact/affection thing to a very minimum in front of them. i think it added to the "nice friend" aptmosphere and seemed less like somebody was stealing mom's attention. if things had worked out, we would've eased into that more over time, as they accepted him and understood they weren't losing me, but gaining a friend.

all in all though, it went very well. they told me they missed him for some time after he left, and would ask to talk to him on the phone the few times we spoke after. so there is hope for a nice, easy transition. i think all of what Polly said was sage advice, but just wanted to add that i think you have a good chance at it going well, and to try and take it easy and just enjoy the time you all spend together. keep it light and fun. :)

anyway, good luck! and i dont fault you for sending her with your mother either. i know a few single mothers that send their kids to their mothers or the kids' father or whatever for the school year or summer or whatever. you have to do what's best for the child, and as a mother there's nobody better to make that judgement call and really know what your child needs. take care,

-j

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Thankyou both sooooo much for understanding. You are right......I did do this out of love for her and yes, my Mom and she formed a bond which would have otherwise been near impossible given our geographical distance from each other.
I too have never had any kind of child support so not working is really not an option for me. Besides, I love what I do and (Myan) my little girl is very proud of me as I have always been of her.
I do plan on being able to do things, just the two of us, with her and, knowing her I do not think my relationship with Griff, my y/m, would even be an issue if she had been here all along. Now here we are living together and formed a bond in which Myan was not around to see come together.
I will take your advice and again, many thanks to you both.
Brightest Blessings, TD

{{{{{{{Jaye}}}}}}}}
Sorry I missed saying thanks to you too......as always, great advice.
Thanks again, TD

TD - I hope you dont beat yourself up over what you did. Sometimes being a parent means doing really really hard things in the best interest of our kids. And its not like you were leaving her with just anybody - its her Grandmother!! Also, its not like you're sending her to your Mom while you're out playing - you have a job. My Mom died when my daughter was just 3, so they didnt have alot of time together, and what I wouldnt give to have her around sometimes to help me out now that my daughter is 11. I miss her advice, her reassurance that I'm the best Mom I know how to be, her love, and definitely the time she could spend with my daughter teaching her all those "Grandmother" secrets :) So just know you ARE doing what you think is the right thing and be at peace with it.

As far as getting your daughter and bf together - I wont even attempt an opinion!! I dont do well with things like that. I have a hard time when things dont flow smoothly lol. Besides, all those wise women up above have given you excellent advice in that department.

You're doin a good job...

Southerngal

I don't think you were selfish or wrong or anything, but your daughter IS coming back to a totally different situation than she left. You have been living with a man at the same time you weren't living with her. I'm not a child psychologist and I don't profess to know what a child your daughter's age is thinking, but I do wonder whether she might be a little resentful of the fact you couldn't be with her but made time for your bf. Like you said, it's always been just you and her. I'm not trying to be critical, just wondering if your bf should be introduced more gradually into her life. i guess since you are already living together that isn't an option, but if she is having trouble dealing with it you might want her to talk to a counselor.

Don't pay any heed to this.... I'm probably all wrong. :confused:

Yes to what Moon says, But I have to add, You have time for a new man in your life so you should have time for your own daughter.
Good luck to you.

Excellent advice Blondie:
Also I would like to encourage anyone who is reading to do WHATEVER it is they can do to keep up good family relations, [B]


This is so true, I myself have never been away from my children, even overnight unless they were at a sleep over, my parents are very far away, thank godness my youngest son is now 10, and if something happened to me either his father or his older borther (almost 20) could take real good care of him.
I make enough money to get by decently with my little ole company, but when they are older I am hitting the books again, I just think it is real important for them to have me around!
LOL!! OK you all, I'm not that BAD to be around
:p

I don't disagree with you, Moon. Like I said I've been in this situation as a child and it wasn't a pleasant thing for me. However, I don't think my mom was the kind of parent that Tiny obviously is. And in my case we all adjusted and survived.

Tiny, I can hear your concern and love for your daughter in your posts. Don't think you're being a bad parent, but do consider counseling maybe, to help with this. Of course you know your own child, and she may except your guy being in your lives quite well.

Snow, I don't mean to disrespect you, but you had a similiar situation months ago when you moved William into your house, and your kids hardly knew him at all. At the same time your ex had a pregnant girlfriend living with him. Your little boy wasn't coping well. We all had sympathy for your little guy, and for you. I wish your posts sounded a little more compassionate towards Tiny and her child.

Blondie, you are right about keeping family relations strong. For a long time I had hard feelings against my mom for some decisions she made when I was a child, but I've gotten over it and realized she was always there for us, and did the best she could with what she had been taught herself. I saw a play last friday night "The Belle of Amherst" and it was about the life of Emily Dickinson. She said "We don't know how lonely life truly is until our parents are gone, so value them while they are still here." That is so true. :)

Tiny, I wish you all the best! :)

Yes I do have sympathy, but Tiny and my lives are totally differant and pretty much vice versa, she is bringing the child back home after some time of being gone. She wants to make sure she has time for her child, and also she has a new BF that she must also make time for, Tiny is very busy with her job.

My ex and his GF now have been together 2 years, William and I have known each other 7.5 months and have lived together 4.5 months.
He wasn't a passing fancy that came and went :)
I heard lately how others really hate things they post being brought up and I also heard some member here deleted 300 posts so theirs wouldn't be dredged up!
Hmmmmmmmm

{{{{{All}}}}}}}
TY so much for your support.
Snow, I have been with this man since before Myan left......I just never introduced her.......I never would have her meet someone that I wasn't as sure as I possibly could be about a future.
As for having time for him..........No more than I would have for her but he doesn't have to have 10 plus hours of sleep every night and he works from 4:00am to 12:30pm. Also, it is not my responsiblity to make sure he is well fed, getting good grades, is healthy, etc.... of course I love him and hope he keeps himself healthy etc.
I consider myself very lucky to have a Mom that could help and I think that Mom and Myan will cherish their time together for eternity. Mom is almost 80 and even though she has more spunk than I do.....she won't be around forever.
Rest assured......I wouldn't have written this post if I wasn't concerned and I will take all of you wonderful ladies advice.
Also, this year I have been able to make friends, have a steady child care provider for her after school......and BTW.....the family that will be watching her is one of my younger students family.....the dad is a first grade teacher and the mom is a child psychologist (how well did that work out) and they also have a son which Myan knows and they are the same age.
I am doing the best I can possibly do.
Bright Blessings, TD

TD, I think you made a really loving choice for your little one. She sounds like she didn't suffer at all. How lucky you are to have your mother available. I envy you, mine died a dozen years ago at the age of 52.
I bet you'll be surprised at how well she adapts. I'm sure she knows you love her lots.
When I took my then seven year old to a counselor, sure she had to be feeling lots of inner turmoil after my divorce, and my unconventional relationship, and her Dad's nasty reaction to it, the counselor was amazed at her. She said that she's great, and that unless grades or behaviour showed signs of suffering, to just enjoy her. Don't you think that the word mother should just have guilt printed next to it in the dictionary? And yet, as long as they know we love them, kids are so wonderfully adaptable.
Talk to her, reassure her she's your darling, and any jealousy spats there might be will be shortlived I'm sure.
Best to you all
Frances

Originally posted by SnowPrincess
Yes to what Moon says, But I have to add, You have time for a new man in your life so you should have time for your own daughter.
Good luck to you.

it seems to me;

firstly, she is making time for her child, as illustrated by her returning home. obviously there was a time when things were very difficult, and it was in the girl's best interest to go live with her grandmother. i applaud Tiny for realizing when things were too much to handle, whether perceived or in fact (since the former really is fact, in this case), and taking action to provide her child with the best possible care under the circumstances. parents failing to realize when they've hit their limits (we are human, yanno) are a large contributing factor towards child abuse and neglect.

lets be real here. it's Tiny's mother! it's not like she gave her up to a foster home or something. lots of children spend extended time with their grandparents. i used to visit for months at a time over summer vacation as a child - in this case it was for the school year. also on the topic of school, obviously Tiny's daughter couldn't just go away for short periods of time for relief. children should be in a stable environment for the school year if at all possible, and her decision to wait till the end of the year for her to return - despite missing her daughter terribly - is also admirable.

let me pose a similar situation to you; when i was pregnant with my second daughter i had very serious, potentially life threatening complications and was sentenced (ok, prescribed) to 6 solid months of strict bedrest. this means only getting up to use the restroom and take sit down baths. obviously i couldn't take care of my then 2 year old daughter while in this condition and my husband was working more than full time, so my mother in law dropped everything and moved in with us.

yes, it's different in that i was still in the same house, but honestly i saw very little of my daughter during that time. my mother in law is a very "busy" person and had her occupied nearly all the time, which is probably best under the circumstances.

now, i have *strongly* conflicting views on parenting with my mother in law, to say the least. :) however, to try and continue to take care of my child under those circumstances would've been detrimental to her and possibly to me and my baby (who, by the way, is a perfectly healthy 3 year old despite the problems). i could've made do, albiet with much difficulty, having friends and other family drop in periodically to help with food and cleaning and such, and simply parented from my bedridden position, corralling the child in the room with me. that would've been the selfish thing to do.

despite strong personal differences, both me and my mother in law set everything aside and did what was *necessary* for the wellbeing of both my child and my unborn baby. it's not always easy, it's not always idealistic and fairy tale, but sometimes you do what you have to do, and if you fail to recognize and act when on necessity of such things when they arise, then you've failed as a parent.

secondly, making time for the new bf is totally irrelevant. she doesn't have to make his meals, bathe him, wash his clothes, teach him, kiss his boo-boos or make sure he gets to bed at a decent hour and up for school in the mornings. in fact, quite to the contrary, life is often significantly easier with a second pair of hands around. the fact that he's living with her may be the factor that gives her the time and energy to go back to having her daughter live there again, no?


my point here is really simple. lets try and be a little more empathetic shall we? nobody lives in Tiny's shoes, nobody knows really what she was, or is going through. the best we can do is try and give helpful advice and insight that she might be able to take some part of and use it to better her situation. being insulting or condescending doesn't help anybody, and really serves no point other than hurting their feelings. the situation is what it is, and all she can do right now is look to the future and do the best she can. that's really all any of us can do, that i can see. i'm not sure where guilt serves that end.

-j

PS: i don't see Julianne's post as being insulting, or using any past posts "against" you. if you want to start bending semantics around to fit your whimsy then everything we post here is drudging up and "using" what we know of others. hell, the post i just wrote is based on what TD wrote about her situation at the start of this thread. nobody here was bumping posts, flaming, attacking, or otherwise being provokative. Juli's post was simply a reminder that we've all been in tough spots, and sometimes it's good to remember that to help us empathise instead of judging and being critical of others.

Ty {{{{{{Bella}}}}}}}
I think that I will try and go with the flow on this.....see how everyone involved reacts and take it from there. I am happy that she will be coming home during the summer........I have no college classes during those months. I will still hold 3 ballet classes a week for my preprofessionals so they don't get rusty over the summer and will also be starting rehearsals for my version of "A Christmas Carol" (the ballet) that we will be doing in leu of the freakin' Nutcracker (am sick of that ballet) this next December. But, I will have a lot more time than during the school year and Myan doesn't have a school schedule to worry about so she can go with like she used to.
Brightest Blessings, TD

{{{{{{{Jaye}}}}}}}
TY........Wow, I sure hope that my asking for advice doesn't cause more disruption around here........I don't know what all happened but from what I've read.....it doesn't look pretty.
Ladies please...........I for one need your help from time to time......please, please, please!!!!!!!! don't get upset.
Blessings, TD

Tiny Huggzz!!
You have to do what you need to do, it seems here once again, when giving advice some just don't get the idea how others have differant opinions and start a slam war, it might be fun for some, I find it immature.

Sometimes when people post you can't see the compassion and caring, sometimes people like to mix it all up and make it sound like something bad.

Tiny, you have alot ahead of you to deal with, your daughter is going to love you just as much. You have to make the important decisions in her life, and all you can get from us here is differant opinions and differant advice.
I wish I had a mom I could trust like yours.

PS Jaye, I really didn't ask your advice on what Julianne said, thats between me and her. It just unfortunately came out on the boards.
Yes I have been in tough spots, but am I right here now asking advise for it? Answer is NO!!
LOL sometimes I think people on her live for chaos!!

Hi Snow,
It's all cool..........everyone has a right to give advice in their own way. After all......I asked for it.
This is a very touchy subject for me and it took me a long time to get the courage up to ask for advice at all.
Myan is my world............I am under the belief that a happy Mom makes for a happy child though.
When I was pregnant with her, I considered not working and being a "welfare Mom" but I didn't want her to grow up only to do the same.
I also am very good at what I do and to take that away from me would make me miserable. I know this b/c when I had to quit dancing 12 years ago at the age of 30....I wanted to die. Felt like my life was already gone.
My hours are long and the responsibility to my students can be daunting at times.
Myan loves my dancers and is very proud of what I do but yes, at times she gets jealous of all the time I have to spend with them.
Last year was very difficult for us both, knowing no-one here to help and getting home way to late to do homework, make dinner, get her in the bath, read a story, say prayers, etc.
I don't feel guilty anymore for sending her down to Florida with my Mom, for a multitute of reasons, this has been wonderful for her and my Mom.....I do feel guilty that I have found some happiness in her absence.....crazy.
She and I are very close, she is also extremely smart.............her first word wasn't Mama.....it was "actually" lol.
I miss her a lot.
Snow........The only thing that you said that hurt me was that "if I have time for a b/f then I should have time for her.
Not true........he is allowed to stay up late.......she is not!
Next school year won't be much different when it concerns the time thing.......I teach 19 regular classes a week, have 2 pieces each semester I choreograph for the university, 2 shows for my preteens and teens in the fall, recital crap and competions to get ready for in the spring. I also travel doing workshops around the country, recruitment duties for upcoming college freshman.....I could go on!
Myan will be 8 years old on March 23 and I am hoping and praying that now that I have been able to meet people, she is a little older, and my b/f is ready and willing to help, that we will all be alright.
All I can do is love her, provide for her, show her how to be a strong woman, and do the best I can do.
Bright Blessings, TD

TD,

Wow! You made me tired just reading your list of career responsibilities. My concern would be you don't burn yourself out trying to maintain such a grueling work schedule, raising a child, and fostering a romantic relationship. If you don't reach a happy medium, your YM might get resentful too (not just your daughter) if he is spending a lot of time with her and without you. I know that work for you is a passion, but work is still work. As the old saying goes, no one on their death bed says they wish they had spent more time at the office. I wish you a lot of luck and 10 more hours in a day. :)

Moon

Tiny, have you considered a part time nanny?
Maybe a nanny is what you need, it would be so much help to you.
also, how are your weekends? Less hectic than your weekdays and nights.
Good luck~
Tiny I do apoligize if my statement hurt you, that was not my intent.

Tiny,

Wow, you do have such a busy schedule! But I envy you in that you've got a career doing something you love so much. Not all of us are that lucky. :)

I'm raising three kids alone, go to college and work for myself cleaning offices and houses, both day and at night. I've got teenagers though, and they are very independent and helpful to me. My 'Myan' is my 6 yr old son. I worry about the fact that I'm away from him a lot, but so far so good. I laughed at Myans first word being 'actually'.... that's so funny! She's got to be a smart one! ;)

Hopefully your BF will be of great help to you. Perhaps they will build a great relationship! And maybe you can find a young student or two that could help with her on your really busy days. That's got to be a plus working at a university.... knowing lots of young people who need jobs. It will work out, you know.... I've found that things always do when you have determination. And it's clear that you do! :)

Geez Tiny, your mom sounds awesome. She was able to keep up with a little kiddo who was reading books and going to Brownies. Sounds wonderful.

How far away is your mom? Will your daughter be able to go back and spend time with Grandma and her friends?

I can't say I agree with your original decision to send your daughter to live with Grandma in the first place. I probably would have changed careers/jobs for the period of time needed to get on my feet or get her to an older age. But you did what you needed to do and it sounds like you agonized over the decision and continue to agonize over it. Good. You are a good, good person and you did the best you thought you could do at that time.

Now let's make it as easy as possible for this next transition in her life. She is going to miss Grandma terribly. She is going to miss her friends, her bedroom, her life there alot. Try in some way to make it accessible for her.

You have a man in your life. You live together. She is coming home to two people instead of one. But she is bright and mature? Not. She's a little, little girl and she needs you to make it completely ok. Talk and talk and talk. Just like Polly said; let her know it's ok to feel all kinds of feelings. I love the idea of private time with just you as well as establishing special family time activities that are just for the three of you. I wish I had done that with my kids and boyfriend.

I know I said I disagreed with your decision originally, but please don't consider it a bashing. Far from it. I have great respect for what you are trying to do now and I think your little girl is blessed to have you as her mom. I know you did the best you could, but please don't leave her again no matter what.

I'm rambling here. Most of it is from my own fear of not being a good enough mother or making a mistake here and there. Good luck Tiny Dancer.

Cindy

{{{{{All}}}}}}}
Ty once again.
Unfortunately my Mom is about 3000 miles away :(...Myan and I talk every day on the phone and yes, she will miss her Grandma, friends, school, etc alot.....we talk about it. She also likes the school here, her friends, her room, her pet rat rachel and is ready to come home.
As I said in an earlier post......I have made connections and have been able secure help.
As for giving up what makes me happy and able to support her while she is young.....I considered it at great length and decided against it.
I think she has gained more from growing up around the people she has than anything else I could have thought to do.
My b/f will not be her "caretaker"......hopefully he will be her friend and be a part of a happy home.
I think that what I have learned from asking this question is this.......I am doing alright, Myan is doing alright, Griff is alright......all will be fine and if it's not.......we will handle it.
Yes my schedule is hectic but I get spring breaks, a light schedule in the summer and a few weekends off during the school year..........Hell my IQ was about 155 last time it was tested....maybe I should home school her. I thought about that last year before sending her to Mom's but thought better of it for the social bonds she can make with kids her own age and with diverse interests.
God in his/her grace knew what he/she was doing when Myan was given to me care for....she is amazing..and maybe, just maybe.....I can take a little credit for that too.
Blessings, TD

I wouldn't presume to give you advice, having never been anywhere near the situation you described.

But, still, I do have some observations to offer.

There's good and bad reasons for leaving your child with grandparents. Yours seem very good.

Wanna hear a bad one?

In the county where I live, maybe a total population of 25,000, there are five (count 'em, five) school districts. One is medium-sized, and has a mix of students of different races...probably two-thirds white, 25 to 30 percent black, the remainder Latino and Asian (though that remainder increases with the influx of Latino immigrants into Arkansas). Fine with me...we live in a society that's getting more diverse all the time, so it only makes sense that you'd see evidence of such in your own neigborhood.

The others are comparatively tiny, but -- and here's the all-important but -- they're all-white. Always have been, as far as I can remember.

While I wouldn't call the practice wide-spread, I've seen some otherwise rational families do all sorts of geographic gymnastics to get their kids into those districts.

"We just think the schools are...better out there," they say. Bull****. They just want their kids to go to all-white schools without admitting to being racist about it.

What does this have to do with you, though? I'm getting to that.

I know of a case personally where a family -- the father owned a business; the mother worked part-time for the business, but also stayed at home a lot -- actually transferred custody of their children to the kids' grandparents, who lived out in one of those all-white districts, not ten miles away from the parents, just so they could go to school there.

What's my point? Simple. Stacked up against people who behave as selfishly as that, you sound like a comparative saint.

You're keeping your daughter's best interests at heart, and that's as it should be.

You've tried to spend time with her and give her the constant attention and love that kids need. That, also, is as it should be.

And when you were faced with a less-than-ideal situation where it wasn't possible to do that, you sent your daughter live with her grandmother. That's a tough decision; it had to hurt to make it, and hurt even worse to carry it out, but you know what? I think it was the right one.

So that's my two cents. Most everybody else has given you far better advice or support that I could. I just wanted you to know that there's far, far worse parents out there. My hat's off to you.


-- Red, who isn't actually wearing a hat at the moment, but you get the idea

Tinydancer... I do understand the guilt. When I was working in the '80's I traveled on business a lot. I was a single mom too. The guilt would just eat me up. But don't let it. The facts are, that I was doing the best I could do. If a man did what we do, no one would think twice about his children staying with the grandparents for awhile. My only suggestion is to let her come home for a weekend visit once in awhile. My daughter traveled on planes alone from the ages of 4 to 12 with no problems. Of course she was pretty out-going. When I was waiting for her at the gate... there she came and as people passed by there must of been at least 15 different people say "Goodby Christy... good luck with your hedgehogs, horses etc." It makes me smile even now. (footnote... one time when she went with me on business, she asked the guy in the rental car line if he wanted to go with us!):D

Tiny...you have received tons of good advice from all the women here...not much to add except that I so agree that your daughter is at a more 'desirable' age to incorporate a new family structure than if she were older. I have five children and divorced 6 years ago. When I started a new relationship my older children were hateful, vindictive....downright nasty sometimes. Discipline was the name of the game then and it was not an easy time. They were told that they didnt have to LIKE the decisions that I made, but that they could not continue treating members of our household disrespectfully. Eventually they did grow to accept and even love the person that he was....but it took years of consistency on his part and the willingness to allow me to parent through all of it. They were testing my love for them and his too. The two younger ones were much more accepting, but played out scenes of 'clinginess' to me. Embrace your daughter while loving your YM. Always let her know that you love her and that a mothers love for her child is different than the love you share with your YM...both important, but each unique in their own way. I truly believe that love and time can conquer all. Stay your course tiny...you have made some hard decisions in the best interest of your daughter....you are a loving mother and because of that.....your daughter will be fine. Be patient, show both that you care, ask for help when you need it from your YM and TALK, TALK, TALK.....about feelings and concerns during your transition. I wish you the best and await further news from you so we know how things are going. God Bless! Sing

PS that relationship did not work out although i still have a great deal of respect for him for loving my children when they were not quite the most lovable people on earth....i have been with my YM for over a year now and going to meet for the first time the end of this month....who knows, maybe i will have to do this all over again....=)

PSS ROFL....for 'not much to add' this turned a bit lengthy....oops, sorries all;)

{{{{{{{Everyone}}}}}}}}
Thanks again for all of your support and advice.
Things are going along pretty well these days........one more week and then spring break........Yeah!
We are looking for a house to buy....tired of paying high rent here, and Myan is looking forward to doing up her room with all the stuff she is bringing home.
My bosses have been very supportive of me this past year and are willing to help in any way they can........can't ask for more than that.
My man has also been quite a stabling influence and is willing to do whatever will make this transition easier for everyone.
I think a lot of my problems the first year I moved here had to do with the ballet mistress's who's place I took after an apparently very messy situation involving students, administrators, parents, etc. I walked into a place where it seemed no-one wanted to believe in me, make friends, offer help, out of fear that I would end up betraying them or otherwise causing problems in the same way the last teacher did.
This past year was much easier and I think we will all be alright.
I am a little worried about my Mom though........she will miss Myan terribly but she knows it is time for her to come home. God, I wish we could all live closer together.
Well, that's about it. Hope that all of your lives can find solutions to whatever your issues are and if I can be of some help or comfort to you.....let me know.
Bright Blessings, TD