OW Advise?

Hi,
I'm usually in the YW board, but thought I'd ask you experienced ladies for a little advise. If not, no big deal and I appreciate your reading this post.

I'm 22. My mom was not there for me after I turned 12, and I feel like I missed out on "adult" women's point of views. I get along wonderfully with my father, but he can't really give me "womanly" advise. There is one woman who I speak with who went through a difficult divorce and custody issues.

Here's the deal: last night, my SO started acting like a REAL A$$&*$& over something very minor. When he first started acting this I said "wow, I can't believe you're acting like such an a$$ for no reason" and he said something sarcastic and mean. Within ten minutes, he had reduced to saying some very low, insensitive and hurtful things. I told him I didn't want to fight about some stupid issue, and there was no reason to act this way. I started yelling because he wouldn't let me finish a sentence. He started banging dishes around to drown me out. We didn't talk for the rest of the night.

I feel like I've gotten into a mess. I feel like I can't trust this man, and that he could have done anything last night, including hurting my pets or trying to kick me out of the house we recently purchased together. If he can turn so quickly and go so low for no reason, isn't that a reason for me to worry?

We met in CO in December 1999. I was in CO for a year and then moved back home to NY (I missed my dad and he was having health issues). My SO followed me accross country to be with me. We've been together two years now and bought a house together in August 2002.

What should I do?! I'm so upset!! I just thought women with more experience with men might have some advise. He is 39.



Thanks for listening!~

Thank you for your reply, Blondie. It's not that I fear for myself so much as it feels like I can't trust him. If he's going to fly off the handle for any little thing... last night I was afraid that he might do something to my pets. I have two cats, two dogs and 31 birdies (who moved across country twice with me). I wanted to just leave the house after he started banging pots and pans to drown out what I was saying, but I KNEW he wouldn't feed the dogs or get the bird lights. I just don't know.

Last year? We had a big fight in CO. He was at my rented house, and I asked him to leave. He refused, and there was nothing I could do about it! After a while I said I'd throw his stuff outside! I threw one bag of clothing (the clothes were protected) on the front step and told him to leave. He was not even renting this place with me! He picked up my air conditioner (it wasn't hooked up) and threatened to throw it out the door! Needless to say, I was pissed. I went out back and ignored him until he got bored and left. Not even an hour later he called me all upset, and I wouldn't talk to him. I felt as though he threatened an extension of myself through the air conditioner. He decided to go to an Anger Management thingy. He went for about six months and got his clean bill of health. We got back together.

It was only about two months after that that I decided to go home. Then he decided to follow and I thought all was well. My dad was completely supportive and let him come stay at the house. Then all three of us got booted! So, BC and I bought the house together (with all the pets it would be impossible to rent around here).

I don't know why he blows up like this. Nothing was happening last night, I'd only gotten home an hour ago. He just got into this thing, and when I tried to say my side he wouldn't listen. Then to make things worse, I was getting ready for bed and heard him call me a name he's only called me twice before (drunk both times) that I don't like. I said "excuse me?" and he denied saying anything. But I'm not an idiot!! I heard him! He's always denying my observations, even though before I met him I was usually right about those things.

I got my BA at 19. I've been pretty advanced forever. Like I said, I don't really have an "adult" woman to talk to about these things, and it's touchy talking to my dad about it. I mean, it's hard to listen to his advice when I look at what happened to his marriage! I really appreciate your responding to this and giving me advice. Maybe I do need to get my finances together and look into ending it. I don't know. My name IS on the mortgage. It's second, but not for any real reason. We got the loan because of my credit, and the money BC's mom left him when she passed over a year ago. So it really is equal, but when it comes to fighting and power, I don't have it in me.

Thanks again, your post really made it seem like you care. And I'm happy your daughter's marriage is going well. We are not married and I don't feel ready for marriage, but lately I've been thinking it may not be a bad idea, just to protect myself.

I just don't know what to do :-(

Have you talked to him about how he made you feel?

Fighting is normal. It happens. Some people do fly off the handle about minor things when they're stressed out. It doesn't always mean they have major emotional problems, but it can.

The two of you need to talk about what fair fighting is and how you can make space for each of you to get mad and yet not endanger the relationship or each other.

Wait till things have cooled off and start talking.

If he won't talk, that's a pretty good indicator that you may have real reason to be concerned.

Your situation sounds pretty scary to me. I think that you should definitely heed your instinct about this man's potential for violence. Why don't you suggest that he go to couples' counseling with you? It seems that the AM class didn't work. If he is using alcohol on a regular basis, you might want to take Blondie's advice about Alanon. Women in abusive relationships are usually advised to have an emergency plan to get away at a moment's notice. You might want to think about having one.

Good luck.

Patricia

Hey mbs:
Well, after reading your posts, I have to admit, I was getting some red flags. I would never ever judge your man, cause I dont know him. But I lived in an abusive marriage for 19 years, and it started out with things like him throwing dishes, or pans or glasses or whatever was handy and finally got to the point where sometimes I was the brunt of his attacks. He never beat the crap out of me or anything, but pulled me around by the hair or shoved me down, kicked me and things I didnt deserve. I really am not trying to scare you, I just want you to be aware. Its very true that people do argue, they do fight and they do fly off the handle sometimes. But if your gut feeling is telling you something is not quite right, then it probably isnt. Always trust your instincts. I'm curious, since you're from the om/yw side, has he been married before? If so, do you know why his marriage broke up? Does he have an ex you could talk to? Keep us posted...

Southerngal

Thank you all for your wonderful replies. I really appreciate getting feedback from women with more experience. He's never been married. Came close once, but his girlfriend really messed with him. She got pregnant, told him it was his, then when the baby was a few months old told him it was his best friends'. That was three years before he met me, and he hadn't been with anyone in between.

I probably should have an "emergency plan" just in case. The other night that was just what I was thinking, how it would be good if I could take the animals and go somewhere else for a while. I also agree that therapy may help. We've had a REALLY crazy year (his mom passed, we had to find a new place, we bought a place, my dad moved to PA after I moved back here just to be closer to him, etc.) so we are both stressed out. Someone else mentioned it may be something physical, like blood sugar.

I really love this man; he wants me to be happy and treats me really well most of the time. I feel sick to my stomach and in my throat today because we haven't really spoken for two days. Last night right before sleep he said softly that he was sorry for calling me "that word", but I didn't respond because it wasn't enough. He can't just say he's sorry and then everything's better. He did more than just call me that, and it is so annoying to be told I didn't see/hear what I know just happened, or when I feel a negative vibe and told I'm wrong about it.

Hopefully we'll start talking again, but I am still really pissed. I'm not just going to let it go, because he shouldn't be able to act like that. Before this fight, I was thinking it might be beneficial to go out with friends seperately sometimes because we're Always together...but he just wants to spend time with me, he says. I think if we weren't together All the Time, we may not fight so much.

You are all right that fighting is okay, but he really crossed some lines. Thanks again for your replies!!!!!!

Well, I have two points of view. One is if you want to work this out when Last night right before sleep he said softly that he was sorry for calling me "that word", but I didn't respond because it wasn't enough. He can't just say he's sorry and then everything's better. If you did not say ANYTHING, you are not communcating with him. That was the time to say something like "I appreciate you apologizing to me, but there is more I would like to talk about in the morning." Then in the morning talk about your fears, concerns and hurt that he is causing you.

Now if you want out (which I think would be best), then quietly aquise to his moods, and make a plan to get away. Forget the real estate. You can get another place in time. Just work your plan and don't project everything that could go wrong in the future if you try to move forward in your life. Take it one step at a time. You are a smart woman (look at all you have accomplished so far!). Just tap into all the success you have had in the past and put that girl to work on this problem! Good luck and PM me anytime if you need to talk. Barbara :)

Thanks Barbara. The thing is, he moved all the way to NY from CO just to be with me... he was there for 6 years and had friends there, and nothing in NY but me. I just can't imagine ending it only a year and three months after he came all the way here.

You're probably right, maybe I should have said something last night. I was just pissed and didn't want him to think he could be such a jerk and then make up for it with no hassle. You know? Because then he might think he can do it any time. Maybe I'm just thinking too much about dog training LOL. He asked if I heard him last night and I said "I heard you", but didn't say anything else. When we fight like this I usually end up feeling like I'm trying harder than him to work things out, that he could just drop everything but I'm the one who wants to make things right. This time I'd like him to do something to make up for his actions, not just me telling him not to be that way.

I don't want to leave him. We're going on vacation at the end of March to the Carribean, and I've already paid for the tickets. We've been together two years, and I really don't have anywhere else to go. He's a good guy, just so moody! That would be alright, but he goes so low, and I won't stoop to that level...I don't know; hopefully he'll just do something to make up for it and restore my faith. I want him to run an errand for me today, but as we haven't been talking I don't want to call him...

Maybe if I call him and ask him to run the errand, it will help him think about talking to me and making the first move. AARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!

Thanks again, MBS.

It's true, I guess I should have answered him last night with something better than "I heard you". I'm going to call him right now and ask him to run that errand for me. I'm just not ready to give up on this relationship!!

I'll let you all know what happens and thanks again!

Hi, just thought I'd post an update since yesterday. Last night we had a long talk about it. Neither of us wants to fight like this, and we don't feel we should have to tip toe around each other all the time. It pretty much comes down to that he's not really happy here. He moved from CO November 01 and was very happy there. He feels stressed all the time. We're going to work on making him happier. Thanks for all your help!

We are also going to have his blood sugar tested because that may contribute to the mood swings.