A little confused.....

Hello! I'm new here. I never new such a forum existed, but am very happy to know that it does.

In any event. I'm really confused, and I need some advice. I'm a 27 year old female. I've been not-so-happily married for almost 3 years now. My marriage has been going through its share of ups and downs as of late. Recently, I've met this 18 year old male. I find him extremely attractive, and I'm absolutely taken away by him. I've chatted with him a few times, and I recently told him that I was attracted to him. I think I scared him. Truth is, he knows my husband pretty well - my husband was his assistant basketball coach. I thought at one point that he was possibly attracted to me as well, but now I have my doubts. I'm not sure where I want this to go, and how I want this to end. I'm really confused as to why I find this person attractive in the first place. I mean, I'm 9 years older than him! Anyway, if anyone can offer a few words of wisdom, I'd be forever greatful! How do I approach this person without scaring him?

Hey, welcome to this site. My exgirlfriend, and currently friend is 8 years and 4 months older than I. (I am 27 almost). We have a good friendship, and are attracted to each other VERY much. We also are very comfortable when we are together. So you are not alone. But you are married. To his Basketball coach. Most coaches I know use intimidation to motivate their players, kind of like what I say goes. And that's it. He might be scared by the prospect of your husband overreacting and coming after him. And this time it may not be running laps or sitting on the bench. It might be a shotgun. Hey, it happens! Some times people do the dumbest stuff when they are blinded by rage. I have a friend right now who is toying (I don't endorse this) with an unhappily married woman--he refers to her as his "psycho mom." He just wants to get laid, but the thing that is stopping him is that she is married, and has a very jealous husband. Not your situation, but one that I am aware of. Usually I am reminding him to be careful. From what he's told me (that she has shared with him) is that the husband is creepy jealous. Even though the marriage is pretty much done, he's always questioning her about her whereabouts.
If you think that there is something between you two, (the 18 year old) I think that you need to proceed slowly and carefully. Try just being friends first, acknowledge the attraction, and see what's there. If you foresee a divorce in the near future, than you need to reassure this young man that he will not just be a soft place to fall for awhile, (unless that's what you want, and he agrees to it) and you need to get divorced. I do not know the specifics between you guys, but you need to consider what you might want from this y/m. The judge will have a field day with you in court if your husband hires a detective to follow you, and has pictures/audio/video of you guys together. Just think of the position your husband could take in court. So I think that that is the first step. You need to take care of the situation at home first. And then, when you are free and clear of the marriage, then, you could welcome this guy into your life----possibly in a more serious manner. But, hey, if a fling is all you want, and that's all that he wants, then I suppose that could be OK too. But, I think it would rest easier on both of your conscious that business was in order. I hope that I am not to offensive in my reply to your post, it just seems to me that the right thing should be done. I truly do not wish to scare you, but I thought that maybe I could present some potential realities. -Doug

Big Dougie I REALLY appreciate your input!!! Makes me look at things from a different angle.

Right now I'm in such a state of confusion!!! A little background into my situation: My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years and married for almost 3. We met in high school. A few months ago he decided to come clean to me and he told me that he had been unfaithful to me while we were dating, during our engagement and early on in our marriage. I was devastated! I can't say that I was completely crushed, b/c I wasn't completely happy myself, but I was/am very confused. In any event, this Y/M that I speak of, I found myself attracted to him some time last year. It wasn't until this year that my attraction was growing deeper. Now I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him b/c I'm hurt, or if my feelings for him are true.

My husband is not a jealous man. Never was actually. Sometimes it makes me feel like he takes me for granted. We're in counseling now, but at times I hate putting forth the effort b/c of all that he has done to me.

I guess I'm even more confused b/c I find someone much younger than myself extremely attractive. I've read on this board that OW/YM relationships can work, but I guess I can't understand how an 18 year old Y/M could possibly find a 27 year old O/W attractice. And to that end, I don't even think that I'm looking for a relationship right now.

Anyway, thank you so much for your reply. I'm holding all of this inside b/c I really don't have anyone else to confide in. Thanks!

Butterflykiss (I love your name!), in counseling is it always the two of you with the counseler? If so, you desparately need your own time with counseler to confide in OR get your own personal counseler. This is not uncommon. Are you talking about your feelings in the sessions? Are you talking about how confused you feel?

As to why you find this person attractive in the first place, it is perfectly normal to be attracted to the opposite sex. Your fantazsing about this young man can also be a way of not thinking about your marriage and the terrible hurt that your husband has done to you. However, NOW is NOT the time to start another relationship. It will only muddle your thinking more plus don't sink to the level your husband did and be unfaithful.

Do you have children? If so, I hope that you will at least give counseling a good effort and stay faithful. If you do not have children and are ready to go solo, then create a plan to get a divorce and move forward in your life. It looks like you got married at 17. It could be that you did not get to spread your wings much before you married and you need to do that. If so, then get separated and live apart awhile. At any rate, I am so sorry that your husband hurt you. You did not deserve that. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

Thanks Yellow Rose!!! Actually, I got married when I was 24. I'm 27 now. My husband and I met when we were 16 (in high school). We dated on and off throughout high school and college, and decided to tie the knot after college.

Anyway, no, thankfully we do not have children right now. I almost look at that like a blessing in disguise.

And yes, we always see the counselor together. I haven't brought up my feelings about this other person at therapy b/c I'm still not sure exactly how I feel. And actually, I'm kind of embarrassed about it as well. I mean, he's still in high school!!!

Anyway, I guess only time will tell where this will lead to. I know two wrongs don't make a right. I just wish I knew what to do :confused: Besides, I can't tell if this Y/M is even interested in me anyway. I'm sure he's pretty freaked out.

Butterflykiss
A similar thing happened to me six years ago. I was in a very unhappy marriage and I met a guy who was 12 years younger than I (he was 21!). We went out for coffee one evening and slowly became friends, but it was very obvious that we were attracted to each other. In my situation, this lovely YM helped me to exit my unhappy marriage. I didn't leave my marriage FOR him, but BECAUSE of him. We were never lovers while I was married and going through my divorce--which was great, because it would have complicated everything.
I realized later that he came into my life to help me see how it felt to be treated with tenderness and appreciation--two things that were truly missing in my marriage. Once I experienced those things, I could never go back to not having them.
If I could offer one word of advice: before you consider taking any steps with this YM, think about where you think it would go and what the consequences would be. It could be a wonderful, liberating experience or it could be a total disaster...for both of you. Good luck!!

SkyBlue, thank you SO much for your advice!!! I'm glad to see that someone else has experienced something similar!

I'm so afraid to leave my husand at this point. I'm afraid of being viewed as a "marital failure" at age 27, I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of so many different things! I'm not sure what I want to do yet. I don't know if I want to jump ship on my marriage, but at the same time, I'm definitely not happy right now. Sometimes I feel like we're still together because it's comfortable, more like a habit......a bad habit.

In any event, how did you initially approach your Y/M? I feel as though the person in my life is a little freaked out by my interest in him........I guess I can't blame him.

The only thing to be afraid of is never truly being happy. I can tell you from being "stuck" in past relationships that there is nothing worse than that. I would definately recomend staying away from the 18 y/o all together though. 1st reason is because you are still married. 2nd reason is because he is part of a community in which you live. Even if he is 18 he is still in high school and society in general is going to look down on you for that. 3rd reason is because you husband is his basketball coach...divorced or not. The 18 y/o doesnt need the problems that relationship will create and neither do you. Stay away from that at all costs. Back to your marriage, if you feel that it cannot be worked by you and your husband then I say leave. You are only 27 y/o and this is a great huge world we live in. And with today's technology and ease of travel it is easier than ever to meet new and exciting people whom you can get along with and form relationships. In that respect, Dont be afraid to live your life!

SC

I didn't approach him, really, we just started chatting. I was going to school at night and he was in one of my classes. After reading escombe's note, however, I have to agree with the issue about this YM being in your community and your husband having been his coach. It's sticky. I think the more important thing is to go find your own happiness, which is really inside of you, just waiting to be discovered.
My best to you,
SB

"If you place a thing in the center of your life that lacks the power to nurish, it will eventually poison everything that you and destroy you. As simple a thing as an idea, or your perspective on yourself or the world. No one can be the source of your content."

Thank you again to SkyBlue and Escombs. You're input/advice is extremely comforting. In a time when I feel all alone, your words are helping to put my mind at ease. I'm not sure what's going to happen next for me....only time will tell. Someone recently said to me, "Time is your best friend and your worst enemy." I couldn't agree with that more!

That is one of the reasons this board is here. I hope and pray that you make the right choices for yourself to be happy. But do try and be mindful of those around you in the meantime. I again stress the fact you should stay far away from the 18 y/o. As hard as that may be! You will be messing with his, yours and your husbands life and you dont want or need that on your shoulders if it all comes crashing down.

Goodluck butterfly!

Well, My friend who is "friends" with a married woman made a movie reccomendation after I mentioned (in vague terms, of course) your post this morning during our coffee break. It's called The Last Picture Show, and it's about an 18 year old man who dates or has an affair with his Basketball coaches wife. I thought it would make for interesting watching. I haven't seen it.
Butterflykiss, (COOL name, by the way) I agree with the others on this post. You just might need some time for yourself. And getting some private sessions of counseling so that you can work out your own issues is just one way of starting just that; getting some time to yourself. And hey, I have always found older women attractive. So, I think it not unusual that he finds you attractive. You are really only a stones throw away from 18 anyway, at age 27. Not maturity-wise, though. That, of course should be different. (From an 18 year old girl, I mean)
You do sound confused. And right now perhaps you need to focus on what isn't working in your life, and then maybe you can rise to action, and make the changes that are needed. Ending a marriage from what I have learned from friends who have, is not an easy experience. So I hope that you have a lot of support.

Originally posted by Big Dougie
Well, My friend who is "friends" with a married woman made a movie reccomendation after I mentioned (in vague terms, of course) your post this morning during our coffee break. It's called The Last Picture Show, and it's about an 18 year old man who dates or has an affair with his Basketball coaches wife. I thought it would make for interesting watching. I haven't seen it.
Butterflykiss, (COOL name, by the way) I agree with the others on this post. You just might need some time for yourself. And getting some private sessions of counseling so that you can work out your own issues is just one way of starting just that; getting some time to yourself. And hey, I have always found older women attractive. So, I think it not unusual that he finds you attractive. You are really only a stones throw away from 18 anyway, at age 27. Not maturity-wise, though. That, of course should be different. (From an 18 year old girl, I mean)
You do sound confused. And right now perhaps you need to focus on what isn't working in your life, and then maybe you can rise to action, and make the changes that are needed. Ending a marriage from what I have learned from friends who have, is not an easy experience. So I hope that you have a lot of support.

Wow!!! How's that for coincidence!!! I'm going to have to rent that one this weekend!!!

When watching "The Last Picture Show" please note in the movie the wild town they go to for fun... it is Wichita Falls where I live! It is an old movie (if I am thinking of the right one) but a classic.
Barbara