Age Gap

I met my husband when I was 15 and he was 22. We married when I was 18 and 25. I thought it was cool to be with an older man! We are now 28 and 36. We have 3 kids. I am sexually satisfied and I have never had an affair. I have had some close calls where other men are concerned, but it wasn't because I don't love him. He has a real insecurity and jealousy problem. Right now, I have this feeling of being a caged bird and he is the vulture that is trying to get me. I don't want to get a divorce but I swear if he keeps telling me I can't go certain places he is going to push me out of the door. Example of certain places: we have mutual friends (a couple) that we go to events with and go to dinner with, but I want to go to that couples place by myself because the woman in that relationship is my bestfriend. The man in that relationship isn't necessarily my husband's bestfriend. He knows that I don't drink and drive, so that if I go over there I might drink, but I wouldn't be able to drive. Why can't I go over there by myself and stay the night if I decide to drink. So many problems and there really is noway to solve this. I have asked him if we could separate and maybe I could find myself because I did marry to young. Please help me.

Wow, I have been there in your situation before. My ex was really jealous and even violent towards me. She thought I was always screwing other women. I had to leave her because she was too jealous and insecure. My advice is to get rid of your husband before he gets out of control and does something really crazy. I don't know you but you have a life too, and you should be allowed to do what you want with it.

The easy thing is to tell you to leave and fast... But if you truely love your husband don't seperate from him. Your problems won't go away unless you stick it out. And, it will just make your husband think you're screwing every guy you meet.

Therapy is really useful in situations like this. You have to talk to each other. Tell him every thing, be brutally honest. Get angry, get sad, show him how this is affecting you. Walking away is easy, staying is hell. Even if it doesn't work out with your husband, at least then you can know that you gave it your all.

Strength and Blessings

I spent 15yrs with a man like that and he was only 1yr older. I could not meet a girlfriend for dinner without giving what restaurant I'd be at, and what time I'd be home. God help me if I got home a half hr late. I would have a very angry man on my hands that would emotional punish me for being a bad girl.

I have 2 small children and just left him for good. I would suggest that if you still have love in your heart for him try these suggestions. Before you end up like me and hating him. I waited too late in the game for these to help.

1) Get a counselor for you and be honest with him about the reasons you are going. That you feel caged and unhappy and want to make your marriage better for both of you. Go for yourself at first and see if he'll join you. If he doesn't keep doing it for you.

2) Get a book(s) on codependency. Trust me, you will start reading it and say OMG.... that is ME! We twist ourselves inside out to keep peace and capitulate. We give all OUR POWER to our spouse and train them to use it make themselves feel better. Manipulating and controlling ....and sometimes abusing.

3) Start focusing on YOU and what YOU can do to make yourself happy. If he has a problem with it....... let it be HIS problem to deal with. If you want to go to your friends and spend the night on her couch, THEN DO IT! When he throws a fit, don't react defensively. Just say "honey I'm sorry this bothers you so much, but you really need to get a grip and I will see you in the morning! kiss kiss".......then go do what you want.

Harder part about this..... is I changed and started detaching emotionally where he could not "push my buttons" anymore. He could not grow and adjust...... instead he withdrew and became angrier. Not all men do ......some WAKE UP and smell the coffee.

Communication is the key, but done with love and respect for him and yourself. Good luck,

Gypsy (divorcing soon)

Well, I took a couple of days to wait for some replies and I like what I read. Thank you so much for your suggestions. I have been seeing a therapist, and my husband is going with me on March 14th so that she can match a suitable marriage counselor to us. Again, I appreciate your suggestions and good luck to all.

I am glad that you are going to talk with a counselor. With 3 kids, I think you guys owe them to try by doing that. I would not want my spouse going to a friends house at night and spend the night there. I don't guess there is anything wrong in doing that but it seems odd. Does she come to your house and spend the night? I do pray that you will get the space you need to regenerate good feelings for your husband and much happiness for you. Just curious... are you a full-time homemaker or do you also work outside the home?
Barbara

I am a working mother outside of the home, and I enjoy my job and the people I work with are wonderful. I enjoy being at work more than I like being at home. I love my husband and my children that is why I am trying everything I can do.

Why can't I go over there by myself and stay the night if I decide to drink.

My first reaction was, you could. There's nothing wrong with having your own life. In fact, you should have a separate part of your life that is all your own.

On second reading, it dawned on me that I could interpret this a different way. It seems like you plan on going over there to drink and then stay the night. Hmmm...YellowRose is right. It seems odd. You're going to go over there to hang out and then spend the night...leaving the husband and kids at home. One time? No biggie. A regular thing (ie. once a week)? Definitely odd.

Is it "wrong"? That's up to each couple. Personally, I wouldn't like that done to me on a regular basis. This is just a symptom of something else happening in the relationship. Just a gut feeling.

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I was doing laundry and kept thinking about this, but from a different angle: from the best friend's husband's point of view. Not knowing too much about the background on this, I figure he could have a few (among many) possible thoughts:

-it's cool hanging out with her. (in which case, why isn't her husband here so we all can hangout)

-why is she always here. (i happen to enjoy spending time with my wife and i'd like some quality time with her since we work all week and are so busy, etc.)

-you and my wife get along great, it's nice to see my wife enjoy herself when she's with you (but damn, i feel sorry for your husband)


or maybe none of the above...


It's an interesting question. Not so black and white as it might seem at first. You can separate as you and/or some suggested. Let's go there.

-who gets the kids?

if you get the kids, your "hangout" time is further reduced

if he gets the kids, are you saying you'd give up the kids for the sake of hanging out?


Something else is going on here. I dont think this is about hanging out as much as it is having separate lives and identities--while still loving the other person and sharing your life with them.

Interesting post...

Don't get me wrong, I would not think it healthy to do that on a regular basis either. But as an example: Once I was invited to spend a 3-day weekend on the beach with a girlfriend and her 4yr old son. Would have been two women and two 4yr olds. Trust me....we would not have been doing anything inappropriate.

I was NOT allowed to go without my husband imposing himself on the trip. He went and then made everyone so miserable, that we left early and I lost a friend. He was down right rude to her the whole time we were there, cause he did not want to be there.

In retrospect, I should have had the freedom to do that and not been put in that position. Those "types" of scenarios happened over and over and eventually backed me in a corner I could not live in anymore.

It's all about TRUST and respecting the other person as an individual. Good luck to you hun! ((hugs))