what are/were your fears & concerns about going from LD to being together?

As I'm on the brink of finally being with Bob, I have to honestly say that although my heart is full of joy, I do admit I have some concerns about our transistion from going to LD to being together.

One of my biggest concerns is the fact that we'll have to adjust to being together all the time. Being LD, we e-mail each other every day and talk on the phone about 3 hours every other day. So going from that to being together nearly 24/7 is something we'll have to get used to.

What concerns have you encountered while going from LD to finally being together? How did you work through them? I would love to hear from those who are no longer LD and have worked through these worries.

I would also like to hear from those (like me) who are currently in a LDR, and looking ahead to finally being with the person you love.

thanks. :)

I hate it when a really great question goes unanswered. I'm still very much in a LDR, but like you headed toward ending that. I suspect I have the very same fears you have. One problem is that I might not be working when I move to him. I worry about whether I will have enough to support myself for some months while I look for work. Our plan is to rent a house or apartment together, but initially I may well end up in the efficiency we currently share rent on. Its tiny...I worry he's going to get sick of seeing me...no matter where you are in the place, you can see everything. I'm still worried about how his family will recieve me; still haven't met any of them. Worried about missing my son who will still be were I am now. Worried about having to make new women friends; neither he nor I want him to be the center of my world, but for a time that's going to be inevitable. So, that's pretty much it in a nutshell.

I was excited that this promised to be a good thread as well... Sorry that it's been empty. I didn't answer because I have not yet gotten to the stage where we are together full time.

I worry that the transition period may be a little rocky. I worry that he is sacrificing his current desire to be back home so that we can be together and that someday this may come back to haunt me. I worry that when we have day in/day out face time that he might get sick of me--we are both very independent, but I have an easier time adapting to change.

But most of all, I worry that the process is taking longer than either of us could have imagined :(

A little over 3 months ago, I went from being a two and a half hour plane ride from him to being a two and a half hour drive. Still, "LD" in many people's minds, I'm sure, but the reality of it has been FAR from "long distance".

Over the past 8 weeks, I've been with him 24/7, about 3 days a week. (Give or take a day or two).

My situation is probably a bit different than yours will be, because I have my own place (in a different country), but I think that what I'm going through with this is not at all uncommon. We went from seeing each other every 4 months to seeing each other every 4 days. And, yes, it does get to be a bit much for me at times. (As a matter of fact, I've stayed home this weekend for the first time in 2 months because of it.)

I suppose my best suggestion would be to ALWAYS remember to take time for yourself. Whether it's going to the gym, walking the dog, joining a book club one evening a week....do SOMETHING that will get you away, just to give you your own time.

Heck, even my parents who have been married for 45 years, do this regularly. Give yourself a chance to "miss things". There is a LOT to be said about preventing yourself from taking things for granted.

I wish you the best of luck. Remember, just follow your heart, and having "space" isn't really a bad thing. :)

I have to say I worry to. we still have a ldr ,and spend as much time together as we can. unfortunatly she comes here due to my work, and injury. It has been hard but we both have worked hard to make it work also. it takes time ,and care to not be critical or short with the loves as we come together. I feel our love is strong enough to make it work ,and to be strong. we are 2 coming to still be 2, but love as one. We both will have to respect space, and time to change. I love to see her things all around me, and to talk with her. just enjoy each other. I hope like yourself we will be moving together soon or when the time is right to. Love will get you through. Randy from Gods country.

That I feel a relationship is better, when there's a little space...and when your together, you'll figure that all out...what works! it is an adjustment, but living under the same roof, and loving one another, things can be talked out...and I feel, that the relationship gets even stronger!! When I was at Randy's...he has a very small apt.., I just talked to him about it..the just having that little time alone..I'm already like that already, so I try and just always be honest and tell him my feelings...

Like, for instance...sometimes, just staying home when he has his appts., or goes to the store..when, his daughter is there for the weekend..I talk to him, before it comes..and tell him, if he and her can go to the grocery store together...OR go ride bikes together...things like that...It's important too, that THEY have their ALONE time...so, it works..we ALL get that!! Just because, I came into his life..doesn't mean I have to be the center of attention....the daughter needs to at times!!

So, just talk...talk...talk...when you start having these feelings...talk about them! and tell him to do the same...establishing good communication IS the key...I feel, when you have that...almost anything can be worked out!!

naturewoman

Well, since I've made friends all over the world it seems...and with the computer/phone, I feel content with that..but, I agree having a friend to just go out..and goof around together is fun...guess, I've never had too much of that...so, I don't worry about that...maybe, I need to! but, I seem to make my guy my best friend anyway...I travel a lot too, to see friends..so, I'm not the type of woman, that has to be seeing say a g/f even once a week...just never had that!

Family well, I don't have many...1 brother in law...10 mins. away..I would missing that..we are close..my sister died 3 yrs. ago..but, I can't stay in a place..(area) that I feel it's time to move away from..because, it's getting too crowded, crime etc..I've lived where I live..(general area) all my life..never lived anywhere else..so, I think it's time..even, IF I wasn't in a relationship..I would move anyway, and it works..because, that's where I would move anyway..because, I'm kids are also close by..

naturewoman

What concerns have you encountered while going from LD to finally being together? How did you work through them? I would love to hear from those who are no longer LD and have worked through these worries.
I was pretty much a bulldozer with family and friends regarding my bf, so everybody had to accept him at gunpoint practically. My son was no concern because they were already on line friends.

What is still my concern is the darned work permit that is taking a year already. Meanwhile he cannot get a meaningful job, and does odd work here and there. :mad:

As I'm on the brink of finally being with Bob, I have to honestly say that although my heart is full of joy, I do admit I have some concerns about our transistion from going to LD to being together.

One of my biggest concerns is the fact that we'll have to adjust to being together all the time. Being LD, we e-mail each other every day and talk on the phone about 3 hours every other day. So going from that to being together nearly 24/7 is something we'll have to get used to.

What concerns have you encountered while going from LD to finally being together? How did you work through them? I would love to hear from those who are no longer LD and have worked through these worries.

I would also like to hear from those (like me) who are currently in a LDR, and looking ahead to finally being with the person you love.

thanks. :)

Oh, dear! I saw this thread last night when I was doped up on medications for my sinus infection, meant to get back to it, and forget. Forgive the medicine head!

I had to think back and contemplate before I could answer this.

I remember being afraid that the intensity of the relationship would diminish. There was so much emotion in every little thing we did. When we visited each other, him down here or me up there, every moment was precious. Knowing we had to part at the end of a week, or weekend, or whatever, made every moment count. Saying good bye always sucked.

I remember thinking...maybe, when we are together every day, there won't be the same depth of feeling. Maybe all the tension and drama has made me deceive myself.

That, and the adjustment of living together...that was scary. I was and had been a proudly independent woman before he moved in with me. How do I sacrifice my independence?

Besides all my personal fears, I had to deal with my families fears. THAT was fun. As if I didn't have enough anxiety, they had doubts about him, our relationship, our moving in together....

The good news? Four years later, here we are, content, strong, making it work. My family likes him and accepts him, and our relationship. The intensity DID diminish, but the love and passion remained. We did fight more; we had to adjust to living in the same space together--but we did it.

It ain't perfect, by any means. He still drives me NUTS sometimes; but most of the time, we are happy, or at least content.

Well, in the year I've been in a LDR with my SO, we've tried to spend increasingly long periods together - two weeks the first time, then three, then five, then two and a half months last summer. In all of those occasions we actually lived together, either at my house in Rome or in some rented place in the US - which means we had to go about daily business like grocery shopping, paying bills, and such. Over the summer, when I was in the US, he went to work every day, so I spent a lot of time on my own, either working on my PhD dissertation, or going out.

I've always been a very independent person, and have never lived with anyone except my parents. However, being with him 24/7 is wonderful, since we click on so many levels, and are each other's best friends besides being romantic partners. Actually, one of my sweetest memories of the summer spent together was when we went around buying furniture and other stuff for the flat where he'd just moved - which we call 'our home', even if at the moment I'm living halfway across the world.

Obviously, being almost 47, I can't help being concerned about the time when I'll have to leave my country for good in order to join him in the US. However, these concerns have nothing to do with our relationship at all. Call me naive, but I have a great faith in us, and the strength of our love.

I'm in much the same situation as you, with my LDR soon coming to an end. Still, I honestly can say I do not have any major fears. My husband and I have tried spending several weeks at a time together when meeting, and it has been fantastic and perfect each time. Of course I sometimes think that: Oh no, what if he gets tired of me after a few months?!

But we've talked about all kinds of scenarios and fears, and that combined with the experience we've had from when being together, I doubt that we will tire from each other.

As someone else mentioned, I also think space is important though. Finding an activity or something you do separately, so you get some time to miss each other from time to time.

We've also talked about the possibility of having special romantic nights a few times a month, learning sensual massage, have movie nights, and various other ideas that will help keep the flame alive, so to speak. :tongue2:

I hate it when a really great question goes unanswered. I'm still very much in a LDR, but like you headed toward ending that. I suspect I have the very same fears you have. One problem is that I might not be working when I move to him. I worry about whether I will have enough to support myself for some months while I look for work. Our plan is to rent a house or apartment together, but initially I may well end up in the efficiency we currently share rent on. Its tiny...I worry he's going to get sick of seeing me...no matter where you are in the place, you can see everything. I'm still worried about how his family will recieve me; still haven't met any of them. Worried about missing my son who will still be were I am now. Worried about having to make new women friends; neither he nor I want him to be the center of my world, but for a time that's going to be inevitable. So, that's pretty much it in a nutshell.

my situation is very much like yours, Rozie as I'm currently unemployed. Also, Bob lives in an apartment. It's very nice sized, but it's not a manison, and with him retired, I fear that were going to get sick of being together all the time.

We actually talked about my concerns of us going from LD to being together earlier today. and he stated that it's healthy for us to maintain seperate intrests and we don't always have to be "together", which is true. I've seen couples who at the beginning are joined at the hip and after awhile they get tired of each other.

Making friends is another concern, as I'm a pretty shy person. I've met a few of the tenants in Bob's apartment building, and they are very nice. I'm sure once I'm settled, I'll feel more comfortable to push out of my comfort zone.:)

I was excited that this promised to be a good thread as well... Sorry that it's been empty. I didn't answer because I have not yet gotten to the stage where we are together full time.

I worry that the transition period may be a little rocky. I worry that he is sacrificing his current desire to be back home so that we can be together and that someday this may come back to haunt me. I worry that when we have day in/day out face time that he might get sick of me--we are both very independent, but I have an easier time adapting to change.

But most of all, I worry that the process is taking longer than either of us could have imagined :(

I have to say that Bob and I are pretty independant too. And I'm the one who has an easier time adapting to change (that's why I'm the one making the move)

..and don't worry about how long it's taking, zoliepup! Every relationship is different and goes at it's own pace. I worried too about when it was going to happen for me and Bob but before I knew it, everything fell into place...or is falling into place.;)

A little over 3 months ago, I went from being a two and a half hour plane ride from him to being a two and a half hour drive. Still, "LD" in many people's minds, I'm sure, but the reality of it has been FAR from "long distance".

Over the past 8 weeks, I've been with him 24/7, about 3 days a week. (Give or take a day or two).

My situation is probably a bit different than yours will be, because I have my own place (in a different country), but I think that what I'm going through with this is not at all uncommon. We went from seeing each other every 4 months to seeing each other every 4 days. And, yes, it does get to be a bit much for me at times. (As a matter of fact, I've stayed home this weekend for the first time in 2 months because of it.)

I suppose my best suggestion would be to ALWAYS remember to take time for yourself. Whether it's going to the gym, walking the dog, joining a book club one evening a week....do SOMETHING that will get you away, just to give you your own time.

Heck, even my parents who have been married for 45 years, do this regularly. Give yourself a chance to "miss things". There is a LOT to be said about preventing yourself from taking things for granted.

I wish you the best of luck. Remember, just follow your heart, and having "space" isn't really a bad thing. :)

Thank you, Mishigas73. I totally agree with you about taking time for yourself and giving each other space. I'm fortuante that Bob isn't a jealous boyfriend, demanding all my time and attention to be given to him. He encourages me to spend time with my friends and family and he wants me to be in close contact with them once I move in with him. He values my "me time" just as much as I value his.

I have to say I worry to. we still have a ldr ,and spend as much time together as we can. unfortunatly she comes here due to my work, and injury. It has been hard but we both have worked hard to make it work also. it takes time ,and care to not be critical or short with the loves as we come together. I feel our love is strong enough to make it work ,and to be strong. we are 2 coming to still be 2, but love as one. We both will have to respect space, and time to change. I love to see her things all around me, and to talk with her. just enjoy each other. I hope like yourself we will be moving together soon or when the time is right to. Love will get you through. Randy from Gods country.

thanks for your post, Randy. It's comforting to know that almost every couple has thier concerns when going form LD to being together. I hope you and your love will be together for good soon.:)

That I feel a relationship is better, when there's a little space...and when your together, you'll figure that all out...what works! it is an adjustment, but living under the same roof, and loving one another, things can be talked out...and I feel, that the relationship gets even stronger!! When I was at Randy's...he has a very small apt.., I just talked to him about it..the just having that little time alone..I'm already like that already, so I try and just always be honest and tell him my feelings...

Like, for instance...sometimes, just staying home when he has his appts., or goes to the store..when, his daughter is there for the weekend..I talk to him, before it comes..and tell him, if he and her can go to the grocery store together...OR go ride bikes together...things like that...It's important too, that THEY have their ALONE time...so, it works..we ALL get that!! Just because, I came into his life..doesn't mean I have to be the center of attention....the daughter needs to at times!!

So, just talk...talk...talk...when you start having these feelings...talk about them! and tell him to do the same...establishing good communication IS the key...I feel, when you have that...almost anything can be worked out!!

naturewoman

thank you for your thoughts, naturewoman. I do agree that good communication is so very important for a healthy relationship. :)

I was pretty much a bulldozer with family and friends regarding my bf, so everybody had to accept him at gunpoint practically. My son was no concern because they were already on line friends.

What is still my concern is the darned work permit that is taking a year already. Meanwhile he cannot get a meaningful job, and does odd work here and there. :mad:

I hope your boyfriend gets his work permit soon, Sheila!

Oh, dear! I saw this thread last night when I was doped up on medications for my sinus infection, meant to get back to it, and forget. Forgive the medicine head!

I had to think back and contemplate before I could answer this.

I remember being afraid that the intensity of the relationship would diminish. There was so much emotion in every little thing we did. When we visited each other, him down here or me up there, every moment was precious. Knowing we had to part at the end of a week, or weekend, or whatever, made every moment count. Saying good bye always sucked.

I remember thinking...maybe, when we are together every day, there won't be the same depth of feeling. Maybe all the tension and drama has made me deceive myself.

That, and the adjustment of living together...that was scary. I was and had been a proudly independent woman before he moved in with me. How do I sacrifice my independence?

Besides all my personal fears, I had to deal with my families fears. THAT was fun. As if I didn't have enough anxiety, they had doubts about him, our relationship, our moving in together....

The good news? Four years later, here we are, content, strong, making it work. My family likes him and accepts him, and our relationship. The intensity DID diminish, but the love and passion remained. We did fight more; we had to adjust to living in the same space together--but we did it.

It ain't perfect, by any means. He still drives me NUTS sometimes; but most of the time, we are happy, or at least content.


thanks for your post, larasteele.

yes, all the concerns you have, I'm having as well. I'm comforted by that, to know that my feelings are valid.

It's also great to know that you and your man are still together and going strong.:)

Well, in the year I've been in a LDR with my SO, we've tried to spend increasingly long periods together - two weeks the first time, then three, then five, then two and a half months last summer. In all of those occasions we actually lived together, either at my house in Rome or in some rented place in the US - which means we had to go about daily business like grocery shopping, paying bills, and such. Over the summer, when I was in the US, he went to work every day, so I spent a lot of time on my own, either working on my PhD dissertation, or going out.

I've always been a very independent person, and have never lived with anyone except my parents. However, being with him 24/7 is wonderful, since we click on so many levels, and are each other's best friends besides being romantic partners. Actually, one of my sweetest memories of the summer spent together was when we went around buying furniture and other stuff for the flat where he'd just moved - which we call 'our home', even if at the moment I'm living halfway across the world.

Obviously, being almost 47, I can't help being concerned about the time when I'll have to leave my country for good in order to join him in the US. However, these concerns have nothing to do with our relationship at all. Call me naive, but I have a great faith in us, and the strength of our love.


thanks for your post Highwaystar. :)

from what I've read and observed it seems that a couple's attitude going into this makes such a big difference. I don't think you are naive at all, HS, for having faith in your relationship.

I'm in much the same situation as you, with my LDR soon coming to an end. Still, I honestly can say I do not have any major fears. My husband and I have tried spending several weeks at a time together when meeting, and it has been fantastic and perfect each time. Of course I sometimes think that: Oh no, what if he gets tired of me after a few months?!

But we've talked about all kinds of scenarios and fears, and that combined with the experience we've had from when being together, I doubt that we will tire from each other.

As someone else mentioned, I also think space is important though. Finding an activity or something you do separately, so you get some time to miss each other from time to time.

We've also talked about the possibility of having special romantic nights a few times a month, learning sensual massage, have movie nights, and various other ideas that will help keep the flame alive, so to speak. :tongue2:

thanks for your post, Athena. :)

It looks like you and your husband have a strong, loving relationship.

I hadn't seen this until now! I'm trying to think of things that worried me beforehand, but I'm honestly struggling. You see, my concerns were all wrapped around moving to a new country, not the relationship itself, and I'm not sure that's what you're looking for here? The things I was worried about mainly were finding a job (eventually) and missing family, friends, home.

I do know that Donna was concerned that she would find it difficult to share 'her space'. When I arrived I had cd's, books, etc, so it meant moving bookcases, switching round paintings so I could put up some of mine, etc. She was good about that, I could ask her how she coped.

My Husband and I were in an LD relationship for about 4 years before he moved from Europe to Canada to be with me.....

My concerns were:


Sharing my space
Clashing cultures
Immigration (A huge one for me--I didn't want him to leave once he got here)
Him having 'friends'...I was afraid he'd get lonely
Fear that he'd get bored or lonely and want to go back home, for good.


I have to say, I got over the fears quickly because from the moment we moved in together, we were together all the time. With the exception of the time I spent at work, we spent every moment together. Although many might find that extreme, it was great for us. After only having spent small parcels of time together for 4 years, being together ALL THE TIME was like Christmas and our Birthdays, all rolled into one.

I thought we'd get tired of being together after time passed, but we've been married for 3 years now and nothing has changed. We enjoy spending time together....we don't get bored of each other....sharing my space ended up not being a huge deal, our cultures didn't clash and the immigration process went very smoothly for us.

My Husband hasn't made friends, however. He spends time with my sister's bf and my brother, but not independently. He spends time with them, when I'm there, too. He's friendly to colleagues at work, but doesn't develop any strong relationships with them. I've encouraged him to join clubs or seek out people from his country, but he's just not interested in that.

So far, he hasn't been back home. I haven't stopped him, it just hasn't come up...so life is good....no complaints here. If your relationship is good, it'll continue to be good. I think my relationship proved to me that a couple doesn't have to live together to test their relationship--if you get along, you'll get along in any situation. If you think living together will change something, then there's something wrong already....but that's my opinion....

Have fun when your sweetie arrives. I can remember that day like it was yesterday...brings back great memories....:blush:

LOL. I stay gone from Ageless for several months, come back and immediately go right to a topic that TOTALLY relates to what I'm going through right now.

My ldr b/f isn't here yet... we haven't seen each other since May as we are going through the eternally-long k-1 visa process. It now looks like he'll actually be here by Christmas, which is a GREAT thing as I've gone through some devastating changes these past few months and I miss having my partner and best friend by my side.

Still tho... now that the time is actually almost here for us to be together permanently, I DO find myself worrying about things I hadn't really thought about before. The "what-ifs"... what if he can't/won't find a job/keep a job. what if he misses home so much that he eventually becomes resentful of coming here to be with me... there's a lot of what ifs. But I honestly don't dwell on them too awfully much. They just manage to creep in to my head on occasion.

LDR's are so very difficult. And I DO think you appreciate each other more if you've had to fight to be together. I know in my heart that when he DOES get here, I will have no regrets no matter what happens. We both love each other to bits, we know we want to at least give our relationship an opportunity to grow... and we've taken all the steps to make that happen. Hopefully we'll both remember how far we've had to go to be together and the sacrifices we've both had to make in order for it to happen.
And I shall come back and read this post when I've had to remind him for the 20th time in a week to pick up his dirty socks and undies off the bathroom floor. :tongue2:

Good to be back on Ageless...
Sienna of the Rambling Posts