Break the Cycle of Bad Relationships

By Dr. Kevin B. Skinner.


When it comes to unhealthy relationships, forget it. Nobody wants to repeat the same mistakes over and over. However, when it comes to relationships, far too many people marry for the second or third or fourth time and find that they have married the same type of person they previously divorced.

With well over 50% of all second marriages ending in divorce, many people who have experienced multiple marriages are beginning to wonder whether they can find the intimacy that they desire. Many become depressed and lose hope. They ask questions like this, "Will I ever find someone to be happy with?" Or "Is there something wrong with me?" Many people have asked me these questions and I have pondered how to respond. I believe the following ideas will help answer these questions.


Create Change

Whenever we get stuck in patterns that we don’t like or that are unhealthy for us, we have to learn how to break the cycle. As the old saying goes, "If you don’t learn from history you will repeat it." Therefore, one of the best ways to create change in your life is to sit down and do some personal self-analysis. Questions you may want to ask yourself include:

a. Do I seem to date the same type of people? Make a list of the characteristics of the people you date. Are they emotionally healthy or unhealthy?

b. Do I do the same unhealthy things in my relationships (i.e., become jealous, become overly critical)?

c. What do I need to change to be more successful in my relationships?

d. Do I date people who are in need of me? Are you caught in the cycle of fixing others?

As you review these questions take some time to write down your answers. Look at them seriously and identify the things that you need to change to be more successful in creating the necessary changes in your life.

Healthy Relationships

Have you ever wondered what a healthy relationship looks like? In our class "Behind the Dating Mask," we ask this question. It is very interesting that in almost every class one or two participants raise their hand and say that they don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. If you don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, it will be very challenging for you to create it. You need to identify what happens in healthy relationships. Here are a few questions for you to consider.

a. What are the characteristics of a healthy relationship?
b. What can I do to make my relationships better?
c. Have my past relationships been healthy? If not, why? If yes, what was happening to make it good?

Once you have written down your answers to these questions, practice implementing them in your everyday interaction with those who are around you. In general, people who know how to have many healthy relationships succeed in their dating and marriage relationships.

Create a Safe Environment

One of the most important elements in every relationship is creating an environment where two people can grow. If you look at your past relationships, you will probably find that the environment wasn’t safe. By safe I mean you couldn’t express yourself without worry or concern that what you said would be rejected or dismissed. A safe environment is what makes two people willing to try.

Consider the friendships that you have. Is it not the environment or the climate that makes you open up and feel safe and valued? The goal for each relationship you form should be to create a safe environment so you can grow and develop in your relationship. If you find that you are in an unsafe environment you should give serious thought to why you are willing to stay in an unsafe environment.




Here are SOME insite articles *maybe insitefull for some crap for others* but i'm posting the url anyhow.
http://www.singleagain.com/articles.html

MR, I really liked what you said. It's so true! In addition I'd like to say that you truly have to love yourself and be at peace with yourself before you can possibly be even close to ready to be part of an emotionally healthy relationship.

Hi MidniteRayne,
Thanks for good words and a hint of a relationship site with perspectives for singles. You can’t have too many good advices and perspectives could you?

I couldn’t help myself sneaking around at the site and from noticing what was written in the essay by Karen O’Sullivan “Four Simple Rules For Dating the Second Time Around”. She writes as follows:

“Rule #3: Do not date younger guys. They aren’t grown up enough for a relationship”

…”Depending on where you are in your life, age should not matter. But as a good friend of mine says, you should never get involved with men under the age of thirty because they have not grown up yet…..Although single men in their thirties are hard to come by, avoid younger men at all costs…”

Suppose being prejudice to men and their maturity affects how society looks upon OW/YM relationships. Stupid isn’t it that we despite living in the twentieth century have a very narrow view upon men’s ability to take charge of their own life and make serious choices no matter their age!?

Well, I'm glad I didn't listen to her advice, I would have missed out on the love of a lifetime!

Robin thinks that younger men and older women are SUPPOSED to be together, for a variety of reasons. He thinks it's the best match there is, but he's also a very mature 24 (a lot more mature than my forty-seven-year-old ex husband). PEOPLE in general have to have a certain amount of maturity to handle a relationship, no matter what their age.

AMEN to that sister!

Props to Robin! Your such a lucky lady, Polly. *smiles*
You know, I still have to come back to that thing that the younger generation of men have been raised differently than the men of the older generations, and that is what makes the difference. Of course, there are always going to be those men who never grow up, and we all know them. They are still watching football, drinking beer on Sunday while Mommy does things with the kids etc. Can't hold a steady job, expect their wife to hold a job and do ALL the housework AND take care of the kids. Pfffffffffttttt. I think those men are relics from back when the man was supposed to work and the woman take care of the house and kids. But times changed, and most mommies have to work. The times changed, but that generation of men didn't. *frown*
Of course, the funny thing is, men my age are younger men for some of the ladies here, and they seem to find great men! I can't find a man my age I am interested in for anything...so go figure.
Thanks for the copy of the advice, Midnight. It was an interesting article.

I wouldn't say I have ever had a bad, or unhealthy relationship. They just never seem to go anywhere.

I'm turning 30 this year, never had a live in girlfriend, longest one lasted just under two years. I could go on about my many redeeming qualities and whine about it, but I'm not going to. Think my biggest problem is that I maybe show too much interest, and give too much information.

Well, I'm not really worried, just a little disappointed. It seems like I'm the guy that women "say" they want, until they actually get me.

My Girlfriend says that men don't grow up until they are 30. Of course there are exceptions to every RULE. (dang those rules). She also is married to a man who is 6 years older than she is and now although she loves him, admits she is sorry she didn't marry a younger man.

It makes me so angry when someone says that all younger men are immature. My ym, 10 years younger, is more emotionally mature than my ex who is my own age. Sure, my ym hasn't established a career yet and all that, but to me that is secondary to the fact that he wants to commit 100% to our relationship. He's so stable, and I am the one with all the baggage... why should I necessarily go out of my way to find someone with baggage like I have? ;)

He's so stable, and I am the one with all the baggage... why should I necessarily go out of my way to find someone with baggage like I have?

AMEN TO THAT ONE TOO!
;) Thanks, pink!

Man, that is a crock about younger men. My guy is the single most mature person I know, and that often includes my 69 year old mother (and she'd be the first to admit it, before I get hate mail for dissing my mom ;)

And I'm like PinkCat. He's the healthy, stable one. I'm the emotional basket case. Except when he's around. Then I start to look almost normal.

Now if I can just get him to stay in the US for longer than a month at a time...but that's probably another thread.:)

Originally posted by Lady Starlight

(about her YM) He's the healthy, stable one. I'm the emotional basket case. Except when he's around. Then I start to look almost normal.


Yeah I see that too. And my doctor today told me for the first time that she sees me looking WONDERFUL and healthy and that she will see me in two months not next month. Ain't love grand.