Dealing with insecurities

I don't know if any of you remember me because I have not posted for a long, long time. I have been in an LD relationship for over a year. Age difference is 23-1/2 years. We have never met and he lives in another country.over 5000 miles away. I have a very hard time dealing with insecurities because I know that online he talks to other women, almost all older than himself. I don't think it is anything serious but he likes to flatter women (which he admits)......he enjoys the attention of their reaction I think. But he has had at least one other serious relationship online. He only talks to this person online now as friends ........she has told me that. Nothing romantic.

We have had some recent troubles when I would see that he would be online at a dating site for over an hour. He is extremely busy, having just started a new business so the times we talk are not really often. We usually IM each other but have seen each other on cam several times. Since these last troubles, I told him that I would probably always be insecure until I met him. So he is going to step up plans to come.
I guess this is my question........since we have had a relationship online for over a year, are my insecure feelings normal? He has said over and over that he loves me and wants to marry me. I asked him to give up his membership at the dating sites and I would do the same. He said that he would lose all his friends then. He said that when we finally get together he will get off the internet all together. I know that you do not know our whole situation, but I would appreciate any comments. Thanks.

"I guess this is my question........since we have had a relationship online for over a year, are my insecure feelings normal? He has said over and over that he loves me and wants to marry me. I asked him to give up his membership at the dating sites and I would do the same. He said that he would lose all his friends then."

Lanie, the part above is a red flag to me. He can give his instant message screen name to anyone he's met on a dating site, to continue contact as friend. I would be skeptical at his reluctance to leave the dating sites, especially when you see him online for long periods.....

Just my 2 cents

Lanie I remember your posting... And if I remember correctly wasn't he supposed to already have visited you?

My take on the dating site... If he really had friends there, they would give him their e-mails and they could chat outside the site. Further if he is your partner, neither one of you should have an active ad on a dating site.

I do not know but your man may be having several women at the same time, playing the same devoted game with all of you. I have seen it happen before.

Sorry if I sound rude or hash, but it is a reality check. The two of you have been together over a year, it is about time he comes (or you go) and you two meet. Make plans and stick by them. Until you two meet your insecurities will not go away.

Wishing you the best.

Sometimes even meeting won't get rid of the insecurities, in my case, they were well placed.

However, I know not everyone is as heartless as my ex, so I wont generalise, just know that meeting wont solve everything.

I know that online he talks to other women, almost all older than himself.

I don't think it is anything serious but he likes to flatter women (which he admits)......he enjoys the attention of their reaction I think.

I would see that he would be online at a dating site for over an hour.

He is extremely busy, having just started a new business so the times we talk are not really often.

He has said over and over that he loves me and wants to marry me. I asked him to give up his membership at the dating sites and I would do the same. He said that he would lose all his friends then. He said that when we finally get together he will get off the internet all together.

Well, based on the way I'm reading what you posted, your feelings of insecurity are certainly understandable. Especially with all the red flags he's creating. He says you'll meet, but still haven't. He says he wants to marry you, but continues talking to other women on the dating site. He's so busy with a new business, so you can't talk too often, but he has time to talk to other women on the dating site. Even after expressing your feelings, he says he'll do it AFTER you get together, meaning he's going to continue. I'm sorry he isn't doing something to help you feel more secure, especially when you've expressed your feelings.

Until my YM and I met in person (after 9 mos.), I really didn't consider it "real". That's just me. I hope it's all innocent on his part, but I can most definitely understand you feeling insecure. He isn't leaving you much room to feel any other way.

Well, I think based on what you've written, your insecurities are well founded. I strongly believe that until you have actually met, what happens on line is all speculative. Its only as good as he is honest and until he has made a real attempt to meet you, I wouldn't believe a thing. I know it sounds harsh and I have to admit I met my YM online and it all has turned out great. But I can't buy into these scenarios where one is asking for one's hand in marriage, site unseen. That sounds like he's after something...sorry, just being honest.

Well, I think based on what you've written, your insecurities are well founded. I strongly believe that until you have actually met, what happens on line is all speculative. Its only as good as he is honest and until he has made a real attempt to meet you, I wouldn't believe a thing. I know it sounds harsh and I have to admit I met my YM online and it all has turned out great. But I can't buy into these scenarios where one is asking for one's hand in marriage, site unseen. That sounds like he's after something...sorry, just being honest.

I thought the same thing. It sounds a bit scammerish.

Hey there Lanie,
I remember you...we were comisserating together for a while...Glad to see you here, but it seems that nothing has changed. I would say the whole dating site thing needs to stop if he serious about you. Thats like talking out of both side of your mouth, " I want to marry you, but I am still active on the dating sites"..whoa..what?...doesnt make sense. As for friends...come on...like someone else said...if they are truly friends, they have exchanged other ways to be in contact...I dont think this guy is on the up and up...lets use the dating site, to put you in contact with someone who is really wants to spend time with you..
Love ya...
Shawty.

I'll start by echoing what everyone else has said here. The fact that he's still on this site is a red flag. A HUGE red flag.

I'll continue by saying that there's a LOT to be said about meeting someone in person. He may want to marry you, give you the world, whatever...but, until you see it for yourself, how can you be sure? Of course, even if you know someone "in person", they can still deceive you...but, it's really SO easy online.

I've been with my OM for two years now. We met online, and began "getting serious" in November of 2005. He told me that he had been separated for 2 1/2 years, and lots of other things related to that. While my gut told me that he was a trustworthy guy, it was not until I actually MET him in February of 2006 that I believed it. It was not until I actually saw his house, and saw, with my own eyes, that no woman had any part in the decor, that I really believed him.

Just last night, when we were together, we were playing around online, on the site where we had "met". We started talking about whether or not we would be able to fool each other, if we came onto the site in a different persona. While I do tend to type like I talk, and since he knows me so well, it would be hard to fool him at this point, I still think that I could string him along for a while.

Wow. That made me think. Either I have really good intuition, or I'm damned lucky. If I, one of the worst actresses in the world, could fool someone....what can someone do who has better skills?

After being through the LD/cyber thing myself, the best advice I can give to you is to protect your heart as much as you can at this point, and arrange a meeting ASAP. This dating site issue is a huge red flag, but even more than that, what do you REALLY know about this guy who wants to marry you? What have you seen for yourself about him?

Lanie

If he truly loves you, he will be doing everything within his power to put your insecurities at rest. If he knows it upsets you and makes you feel even a little bit lost he should be giving up the dating site.

I have seen a player in action. and they are fantastic at using every scam in the book to make you believe that they are genuine. But someone that genuinely loves you?? He will not deliberately do anything to hurt you.

Good luck
Mischief

I thought the same thing. It sounds a bit scammerish.

EEEkk I do to!
I would ask myself this..If he says he loves me then why is he going to dating sites? You do not and I repeat DO NOT go to dating sites to Just talk to friends..THAT is what emails are for. My ex did this to me..notice I said EX

Girl there are a million red flags!
Question do you know any of these *girls* he is suppose to be *friends* with?
Has he ever let you talk to them?
Have you both met yet?
Do you know what dating sites that he is visiting?
Why not make another email and join it..hunt him down on it and check out his profile and then send him a letter saying ooh your cute see how he responds..and so on...FIND OUT!!
then if he is flirting hardcore I would say see you do not let the door hit you...you only have his word on it.

Why not make another email and join it..hunt him down on it and check out his profile and then send him a letter saying ooh your cute see how he responds..and so on...FIND OUT!!
then if he is flirting hardcore I would say see you do not let the door hit you...you only have his word on it.

Sneaky, but it sounds Justified.

My paranoid Ex tried something similar once. It confirmed she was paranoid.

Sneaky, but it sounds Justified.

My paranoid Ex tried something similar once. It confirmed she was paranoid.

yes BUT if this person is going to dating sites? come on..seriously you do not go to dating sites to talk to friends you go there for a date...If it were me I would do it...if someone is lying and your gut tells you then follow on it.

I remember you!

Well, as you might remember, I had been in a LD, "online" (that is, telephone on, not computer) for a very long time, and he kept promising me he was off to buy his tickets here "in a couple of days" or "next week". I had very, very strong feelings for him, and the intensity of his voice telling me he loved me was very convincing, too. I think he did have true feelings, but for many reasons, he wasn't able to make the trip to visit me and he just put other things first. After a number of times when that promise was broken though, I just basically gave him an ultimatum... and I stuck to it, I broke things off with him a couple of weeks before the "deadline". I just was too busy with my moving and everything going on in my life to wait any more and by that time I felt sure he was going to break the promise again. I'll never know if he was actually on his way or not - we haven't spoken or communicated since.

About a week later, I was back on the "dating" site, chatting with my friends, when one of them took a change in direction and proposed that he and I get married. He took the chatting off the "dating" site and onto messenger immediately, and also off of messenger to phone contact. He was calling every day from Egypt to California - not an inexpensive thing to do. At first, I was just in a sore spot and he was being a good friend (which I needed at the time), so I stayed in contact thinking I should give him a chance, but the turnaround was just so nice - I mean that whenever this friend said he would do something, he just DID it, and there was no waiting at ALL.

My friend had already made arrangements to visit the states (on a business trip and to visit friends - he's been in the States about 10 times before and went to school in Connecticut for a time, too). So he made arrangements this time to put a visit to me on his itinerary, too, so we could see how we feel about each other in person and how well we would get along "offline" so to speak. He was so determined to meet me that he put my visit ahead of two others he had planned, and then once he got here, he just decided to stay. It was a short time that we were together in person before we decided to just go and get married now rather than later, but that's what we did - and I've been so happy since. I feel blessed and lucky. I also feel like what he represented himself to me all along on line and over the phone is exactly like how he is in person, too (he's even sweeter in person, actually).

I would not have this if I was still hanging on to Mr. Procrastinator though. It hurt like heck to tell him goodbye and tell him I would not contact him again, but looking back, I feel like ... I don't know.. like it was all God's plan and there was a time for Mr. Procrastinator (who brought me a lot of solace and comfort during a very difficult time), but then that time was meant to end, and a new time began.

As for the "dating" sites... I put that in quotes because people have different definitions of what that is. There are dating sites that are JUST for hooking up with dates, and then there are sites like the one where I met my husband (and the last fellow). This is a "network" site that is decorated with pairs of hearts and flowers and I think wedding rings, so most people assume it's a marriage hookup site only. In fact, it's for networking for all kinds of things like friendship, business contacts, email buddies, chat friends, etc. I am still visiting it to talk to my friends, too - it's the one place other than here that I have really developed friendships with people, and I'm not just going to disappear forever just because I got married now. I'm too busy to go except for maybe once every couple of months or so though. And I did go and change my profile to make it clearly state that I'm there for friendship, and NOT for marriage or any love hookup. But I've been a member of that site for 8 years - it's a long time to develop friendships and contacts. It also was the point of contact for meeting my husband, so I have a little more affinity toward supporting the site than ever before, too :)

Well, the short of it is, Lanie - I wouldn't wait forever for your guy to come and visit you, but if he doesn't after he's said he would, and then he's still visiting the "dating" site without changing his profile to clearly state that he's "taken", I'd say bite the bullet and just walk away.

Hi Lanie,

I am fairly new to this site but see that you are getting some really good advice. I only have one thing to add: If the relationship is not making you feel good or making your life better why stay in it?

Take care of you!

Alawiy, I am happy to see you back. Happy to hear that you got rid of your previous YM and found happiness. Part of me sort of goes "Yikes, that was fast!" but I also know from your previous postings how important your faith has been in your relationships. I'm wishing for nothing but the best. Curious about what has happened with job and where you will be living. In the states or Egypt?

Again, WB!! :bighug:

Lanie.....I am in my second LDR since September of this year. The first one didn't last because I found out he was saying the same things to a lot of other ladies on the dating site where we met. Without hogging the forum space, I will just briefly state that my current sweetie, 23 years my junior, was my friend first. I fell in love with him because that would have been good enough for him, and he was different from every other guy I met....in fact, different from the rest of the world.

We still belong to the same dating site where we met, and he is very open with me about anyone's communication to him or vice versa. We have discussed leaving the site eventually and I suggested this one, telling him I was already a member and I knew we would get the support we need here.

If neither one of you are still looking, then there is no sense hanging out at a dating site, is there? Bottom line....Trust everyone, but cut the cards. :bunny_4:

Alawiy, I am happy to see you back. Happy to hear that you got rid of your previous YM and found happiness. Part of me sort of goes "Yikes, that was fast!" but I also know from your previous postings how important your faith has been in your relationships. I'm wishing for nothing but the best. Curious about what has happened with job and where you will be living. In the states or Egypt?

Again, WB!! :bighug:

I never did want to marry anyone from outside of the US because I never wanted to pay or go through the hassle of immigration process. And yes, it was fast, but it was sort of like... hmm... like if you were really familiar with and loved a certain item in your life, and then someone just out of the blue gave you a gift of that same item, but in a great condition, an upgraded version with lots of new features that were important to you also. You'd not return the gift, you'd say, "Wow! Thanks!" and then keep it.

I know that's a horrible analogy, but it was like "whoa... this guy has everything I've been looking for and more."

Yes, the religious aspect is very important to me.

I am hijacking this thread again.. .one of these days (when I'm not working two jobs and the holidays are all over maybe), I'll come back and write a long post or two somewhere to bring everyone up to date.

I recently went through a crisis with the kids though, and he was there by my side in the most extraordinary way. Not only am I grateful, but so ...well.. I'm in shock I guess. I don't know what to say that can express how happy I am. How he helped me through what was going on made me love him even more, and the way that I was fighting for my children made him love me even more.

Why if I find a gem like him should I just toss it away and say "It'll be there at the side of the road when I return later.. I'll come back every day and polish it and caress it and hold it, then put it back on the roadside where I first found it."

Heck no! :) I found a keeper and I'm blessed and lucky that I did.

We're living in the states because I can't leave without my kids, won't leave without my kids, and legally I'm required to stay here for at least a couple of more years. So he has to wait for his work permit now and then hopefully, he'll get a job soon enough. He's got a great resume and an excellent work history, so I'm hopeful. He's really smart, too - very cool headed on top of that. Life experiences have also added to his "resume".

If he doesn't find a job though...(which is likely in the current economic times and in this particular location of the country), hopefully I'll still be working and he can hold on until such time as I can leave the state and the country. Then, if we need to, we can go back to Egypt where he owns a house outright and wouldn't have to pay any mortgage or rent until he found more work. He's also got some business ideas he's working on that I'm kind of excited about (and so is he, of course). He's got a few options - we don't know exactly how the future will go, but for now everything's great.

I hope all works out with his work permit. I am blown away by the courage some of you ladies have to become involved in these very long distance relationships, but the experience of falling in love with someone from a completely different part of the world must open up lots of doors. Very exciting!

Sorry it has been so long since I have been back again. I was truly hoping that I could say that he got the plane tickets to come by now. I did copy and paste all your replies to him. At first, before he read them, I think he thought I was being too demanding. Then he said after reading them that it opened his eyes. So he got off the dating site. He said it was time he was making some decisions and just did it and so did I. He also said he would be making plans to come. Well, I still have nothing concrete about that. He just seems to get busier and busier with his business. Then he resents it when I press him. I had gotten to the point where I told him I was going to date again. I have tried a couple of dates and nothing is right.........just have no connection to any of them. He says he has no objection to me dating if we just remain platonic friends. But most guys want a romantic relationship so I feel like I am leading them on if I don't tell them that I just want to be friends. I think the hardest thing with our relationship is having him be silent for 3 or 4 days where there is no contact at all. He ALWAYs comes back but to me it seems forever. Part of the problem is that he is so busy and I am not. I only work a day and 1/2 a week so of course to me it seems like forever before he contacts me again. I live in a small rural town and it does not pay me to drive to a larger city to seek employment.
Everyone tells me to protect my heart but it has been over a year so he already has my heart. Just wish he would make some decisions. Thanks for all your input.

Lanie, I don't want to be a wet blanket here, but the fact is... that nobody is too busy to make regular contact, nor to make a visit, if it's their priority. If you have this great connection, he would be biting at the bit to meet you, to be with you. AND HE WOULD MAKE IT HAPPEN, no question. Proceed with caution, and in the meantime, open your heart to others, and do not compare them to this man, who has not enough time for you.

The truth is, if he wanted to be with you, he'd get on the first plane he could find, his busy life be damned. And he's not doing that hon......

Lanie please do not cut and paste what we tell you to your Y/M, he will manipulate you then, as I think he has been doing with you all this time.

I also agree with coloradogrrrrrrrrrrl.

Please set a deadline for him to come and meet you face to face and if he does not come by a date certain then you tell him it is over. You will hurt for a while but at least you will be able to get on with your life and not put it on hold as you have been doing all this time...

I wish you the best.

I think the hardest thing with our relationship is having him be silent for 3 or 4 days where there is no contact at all. That kind of treatment is just awful! He may have your heart, but dear, you can take it back. Of course you don't feel anything for anyone else. You are still in the relationship.

In my experience, the bad pain lasts about 2 weeks. I always think I am going to die. :o Then it becomes manageable and I begin to feel so much better.

Taking ownership of your life is the key. Don't be jerked around by this guy... let him know how you feel about the times that he 'disappears'.

Good luck... you are too good a person to be mistreated like this. Big hugs...

hey!

Let's spin this around for you. HE is the one who is insecure because he is still on the site, still showing no real commitment (commitment means maintaining healthy boundaries) and not reliable. Empower yourself!

I dated a man who was less than honest about his memberships and dating sites. When he was feeling insecure about us, rather than just being honest...he got his ego taken care of by the attention others were giving him. Years have passed now, and we are friends, and he admits to this day that his behavior was cowardly and apologizes. He admits it was crappy and it was HIS stuff. Straighten up your spine and let him know how amazing you are!