sbux_addict
11-19-2007, 03:50 PM
I was struggling to decide where I should post this under - Chit Chat or Relationship Support. Anyhow, I found this on another forum, and I think it's an awesome antidote for break-up sickness. Anyhow, just wanted to share this.
****************************
This is about helping you to get past the pain of breakup, and start to heal. It is founded on no contact, but goes beyond it: it is Enchanced No Contact.
---------------------------
THE THEORY
First, what's it all about? Well, we know that no contact is advocated widely as a valuable tool for healing after a breakup. It's not a panacea, and is not for absolutely everyone regardless of circumstances, but it does work effectively for most people, and reduces pain at a time when it's desperately needed. Sometimes, though, no contact needs a bit of a boost. We need help to maintain it, and we need it to work more effectively for us. This is what ENC is all about.
Thoughts and feelings: Asked how she was able to cry at will on screen, a famous actress once said "It's easy, I simply think of something sad, I feel sad and then I cry." And here is the point: if you *think* about something sad, you will *feel* sad. And if you *don't think* about something sad, you *won't feel* sad. It really is that simple.
What are the sad thoughts? You need to know what not to think about. Most people in the situation will say thinking about their ex makes them sad, but we need to be more specific. Why is this? What do we think? The five forms of LOSS:-
(1) Lost lifestyle: we think about the good times we had, and compare them to our lives now, and feel that we've lost something in the things we do in our daily lives.
(2) Lost support: we think about how nice it was to have someone to talk to, to confide in, and think that we no longer have this.
(3) Lost opportunity: we think that our ex was special, was "the one", and that we have now lost this unique opportunity forever.
(4) Lost future: we think about all the good times that we were going to have with our ex, that we can no longer have because we're no longer with them.
(5) Lost love: we think about how good it was to have someone tell us how great we were, how our existence means a lot to them, how they loved various things about us.
What is the difficulty with maintaing no contact? Actually, there are two. One is simple: we're addicted to our loved ones, and we don't want to withdraw from them completely. The other is more subtle: we're afraid that by withdrawing contact, we're pushing them away further, or missing an opportunity to get back together with them.
The two-pronged attack of ENC. The aim of no contact is simple: go cold turkey, break the addiction and stop the bad thoughts. The less contact we have with someone, the less we will think about them, the fewer bad thoughts we will have, and the fewer bad feelings we will have. But no contact is a blunt instrument for this. Many of us have implemented no contact, but still battled with thoughts about our ex that go round and round our heads all day.
We don't just want no physical contact with the ex. We want no mental contact with them. That is the ultimate aim of ENC.
---------------------------
THE PRACTICE
There are a number of practical things you can do to improve your no contact experience. Some are the usual no contact distraction techniques. Some are mental exercises. Some are specifically targeted to combat the five forms of loss outlined above. Some of these you may find easy, some you may find difficult, depending on your particular circumstances and personality. Don't fret; it's not a test and nobody is going to mark you on it. At the end of the day, it's for your benefit. But don't shy away from trying one because it seems too difficult. Put great effort into the attempt. You will be stronger for it, and not only your ex, but the whole world, will love you more that.
Initial activities. These are to be done as soon as possible after the breakup, as prerequisities for starting ENC. In a nutshell, there is no point in doing no contact of any form unless you believe in it. These are to help you do so.
(1) Write a list of all the things the ex said/did during the last part of the relationship/breakup that led to clearly understand that s/he no longer wanted to be with you. This will be inevitably painful, but you must convince yourself that s/he really no
longer wants to be with you. If you find yourself doubting this fact later on, come back and re-read the list.
(2) Write a list of all things that you don't like about your ex. After completing the initial list, try to add one daily. If you find yourself thinking that your ex is the one (loss of opportunity), read the list. Think of the millions of people in the world, and don't stop until you've convinced yourself that there must be many people out there who don't have these bad qualities. You don't have to convince yourself that you're going to meet them at this stage, simply that they exist.
(3) Think of a time that you were feeling down or in difficulty, and your ex did not help you. Might be a time near the breakup, or an earlier time. Write it down. Finish it with the words "[ex's name] did not support me. I deserved support."
(4) Think of something that you would like to do in the future, but would have been unable to do, or at least it would have been much more difficult, because you were with the ex. Could be going to college (meaning moving away from the ex), living somewhere else, having a lifestyle that the ex would not have wanted to participate in, etc.. Write it down, and finish it with the words, "and this is why my future will be better without him/her". Think of the wonderful time you can have in this future now, and keep thinking about it until you are at least partly convinced by this. Read this again, every time you think that you lost your dream future when you split up with your ex.
(5) Now I will ask you to something difficult. Focus on the fact that if things were the other way around (you had dumped him/her), and you'd changed your mind, you would go to great lengths to contact him/her and say so. You would keep doing so for quite a while. Fix this in your mind. Now tell yourself that taking one month out will *not* stop your ex from trying, not cause them to give, or drive them away, if they really care about you. You know this is true, so completely convince yourself of it. And now pledge that will take a one-month holiday from them. Total holiday. They will not exist for one month, even in your mind as far as you can manage it. After one month you can re-evaluate the situation.
-----------
....to be continued
****************************
This is about helping you to get past the pain of breakup, and start to heal. It is founded on no contact, but goes beyond it: it is Enchanced No Contact.
---------------------------
THE THEORY
First, what's it all about? Well, we know that no contact is advocated widely as a valuable tool for healing after a breakup. It's not a panacea, and is not for absolutely everyone regardless of circumstances, but it does work effectively for most people, and reduces pain at a time when it's desperately needed. Sometimes, though, no contact needs a bit of a boost. We need help to maintain it, and we need it to work more effectively for us. This is what ENC is all about.
Thoughts and feelings: Asked how she was able to cry at will on screen, a famous actress once said "It's easy, I simply think of something sad, I feel sad and then I cry." And here is the point: if you *think* about something sad, you will *feel* sad. And if you *don't think* about something sad, you *won't feel* sad. It really is that simple.
What are the sad thoughts? You need to know what not to think about. Most people in the situation will say thinking about their ex makes them sad, but we need to be more specific. Why is this? What do we think? The five forms of LOSS:-
(1) Lost lifestyle: we think about the good times we had, and compare them to our lives now, and feel that we've lost something in the things we do in our daily lives.
(2) Lost support: we think about how nice it was to have someone to talk to, to confide in, and think that we no longer have this.
(3) Lost opportunity: we think that our ex was special, was "the one", and that we have now lost this unique opportunity forever.
(4) Lost future: we think about all the good times that we were going to have with our ex, that we can no longer have because we're no longer with them.
(5) Lost love: we think about how good it was to have someone tell us how great we were, how our existence means a lot to them, how they loved various things about us.
What is the difficulty with maintaing no contact? Actually, there are two. One is simple: we're addicted to our loved ones, and we don't want to withdraw from them completely. The other is more subtle: we're afraid that by withdrawing contact, we're pushing them away further, or missing an opportunity to get back together with them.
The two-pronged attack of ENC. The aim of no contact is simple: go cold turkey, break the addiction and stop the bad thoughts. The less contact we have with someone, the less we will think about them, the fewer bad thoughts we will have, and the fewer bad feelings we will have. But no contact is a blunt instrument for this. Many of us have implemented no contact, but still battled with thoughts about our ex that go round and round our heads all day.
We don't just want no physical contact with the ex. We want no mental contact with them. That is the ultimate aim of ENC.
---------------------------
THE PRACTICE
There are a number of practical things you can do to improve your no contact experience. Some are the usual no contact distraction techniques. Some are mental exercises. Some are specifically targeted to combat the five forms of loss outlined above. Some of these you may find easy, some you may find difficult, depending on your particular circumstances and personality. Don't fret; it's not a test and nobody is going to mark you on it. At the end of the day, it's for your benefit. But don't shy away from trying one because it seems too difficult. Put great effort into the attempt. You will be stronger for it, and not only your ex, but the whole world, will love you more that.
Initial activities. These are to be done as soon as possible after the breakup, as prerequisities for starting ENC. In a nutshell, there is no point in doing no contact of any form unless you believe in it. These are to help you do so.
(1) Write a list of all the things the ex said/did during the last part of the relationship/breakup that led to clearly understand that s/he no longer wanted to be with you. This will be inevitably painful, but you must convince yourself that s/he really no
longer wants to be with you. If you find yourself doubting this fact later on, come back and re-read the list.
(2) Write a list of all things that you don't like about your ex. After completing the initial list, try to add one daily. If you find yourself thinking that your ex is the one (loss of opportunity), read the list. Think of the millions of people in the world, and don't stop until you've convinced yourself that there must be many people out there who don't have these bad qualities. You don't have to convince yourself that you're going to meet them at this stage, simply that they exist.
(3) Think of a time that you were feeling down or in difficulty, and your ex did not help you. Might be a time near the breakup, or an earlier time. Write it down. Finish it with the words "[ex's name] did not support me. I deserved support."
(4) Think of something that you would like to do in the future, but would have been unable to do, or at least it would have been much more difficult, because you were with the ex. Could be going to college (meaning moving away from the ex), living somewhere else, having a lifestyle that the ex would not have wanted to participate in, etc.. Write it down, and finish it with the words, "and this is why my future will be better without him/her". Think of the wonderful time you can have in this future now, and keep thinking about it until you are at least partly convinced by this. Read this again, every time you think that you lost your dream future when you split up with your ex.
(5) Now I will ask you to something difficult. Focus on the fact that if things were the other way around (you had dumped him/her), and you'd changed your mind, you would go to great lengths to contact him/her and say so. You would keep doing so for quite a while. Fix this in your mind. Now tell yourself that taking one month out will *not* stop your ex from trying, not cause them to give, or drive them away, if they really care about you. You know this is true, so completely convince yourself of it. And now pledge that will take a one-month holiday from them. Total holiday. They will not exist for one month, even in your mind as far as you can manage it. After one month you can re-evaluate the situation.
-----------
....to be continued