Ideal mate...Did you find him/her

This thread is stimulated by another person's thread about finding the ideal mate.

I thought I was the most idealistic person around until life happened.:( I didn't have a template, but I had ideas of what my ideal mate would be like. Growing up in an environment where the people on my TV screen where predominantly white or fair skinned and the romance novels had descriptions of white characteristics that eventually emerged into the Knight in shining armor, I envisioned myself with a white or fair- skin man.

When I started dating at 17, I gravitated towards fair skinned or white men. My first boyfriend was white (lasted only a few months), the other was mixed race and lasted only a few months as well. I started university and the courses I took made me realize that my fixation on white or fair skin men was due to a lack of confidence in my black heritage. I begun to spread my wings and dated one black guy and wow all my friends were surprised, but that lasted a few months and then I met my now partner at age 20.

Is he my ideal mate? My answer to that would be yes, but only in the fundamental ways. He's kind, dependable, articulate, trustworthy, open-minded, a nature lover, practical, enjoys reading, homely and responsible.

He's not in the package I imagined. He is much older than I would have liked and darker than I had imagined. He is not overly romantic, neither is he the very artistic type (he's too practical for that lol!). We have been together for almost 8 years and I've never doubted that we were meant to be together, but it took a long time for me to come to terms with his packaging ie. his age.

I'm now confident in our ability to make our relationship work and will take the next step soon and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.


My question : Have you found your ideal mate? Did he/she come in the 'package' (physical characteristics) you imagined?

Great post, goodchild, as coincidentally, I am in the process of drawing up my list of what I want in an ideal mate. I must say that like you, my ultimate goal was to be with somebody who was white (I'm Asian, btw). Is there anything wrong with that? Some critics would say that the socially constructed notion of what is beautiful has always been characteristics of whiteness - blonde hair, blue eyes, fair-skin, and so those who do not possess those characteristics feel "ugly" or "undesirable." I have heard of the term "internalized oppression" where you somehow feel inferior because you don't possess those physical characteristics. Anyway, don't want to delve into that complicated and sensitive subject matter. Turns out, I have never dated my "ideal man," from a physical point of view - meaning I've never dated anybody who was white...and I was ok with that because I was physically attracted to all the men I've dated, it didn't really matter what color they were. All I know is that if you're attractive, you're attractive. I know for sure that I tend to lean towards certain sets of physical characteristics - dark hair, thick eyebrows, atleast 5'7" or taller, chiseled facial structure...and most of the guys I dated possessed those.

I must say that out of all the men I dated, the ex OM did come close to my ideal mate - highly intellectual, eloquent, sensitive, artiste-type, eccentric but quaint, funny, quirky, and distinguished. As far as the "physical" package goes, well - he was bald, he didn't have thick eyebrows, he was 5'10", he had a chiseled facial structure, and he was weathered looking. Well, the physical characteristics didn't matter because all his other qualities were a bigger turn-on for me. And isn't that what really matters in the end...if you could look past the physical stuff? I mean, of course, it doesn't matter anymore now, but I'm just saying in general, it's what matters most, yeah?

And also, for some reason, there's always something awry or amiss with people who have the complete package I want in a man - either they're totally dumb, characterless, unambitious, or some other quality that would turn me off right away.

Very interesting question, and thanks for sharing your history so openly and honestly. I'm glad you found someone who suits you, and trust me - "only the fundamental" things are what will make a relationship work so don't underestimate how important they are!

To answer your questions:

Have you found your ideal mate?

Yes. I always used to hear some of my young, married girlfriends talk about how a marriage is supposed to get better and better as time goes on. They used to say that the "honeymoon phase" should actually be the worst time in anyone's marriage (because the married couple don't know each other that well and are still getting adjusted to everything - of course this doesn't apply to people who marry people who they've been living for 15 years or anything like that of course)...

Anyway, I have found their words to be wonderfully true. With each day that passes I find myself happier and more in love with my husband. All the corny things are true - he really IS my best friend, I really DO love spending as much time with him as possible, and with the more time that goes by, the less and less arguments or disagreements we have because we are both getting to understand one another better.

Did he/she come in the 'package' (physical characteristics) you imagined?

Yes and no. I never thought I'd marry someone who was 11, almost 12 years older than me. People always tell me I look much younger than my age and my husband's family always teases him for looking like an old man...so it's kind of ironic that the two of us ended up together. Physically I always liked tall, strong, fit men and my husband is all of those things. IMHO he has lovely facial/body features and wears clothing well (something I love)...

I never imagined that I'd marry a bald guy - if someone told me that I would marry a bald man a few years ago I would have said "no way," but to be honest...from the moment I saw my husband him being bald was never a turn off to me. I do think if he had his natural, straight, jet black hair again he would be like a super model and look 15 years younger...but I also LOVE the fact that he is so confident in himself that he is not the LEAST bit concerned about the fact that he is bald. He said it has never occurred to him that being bald was a bad thing and that he feels just as handsome bald as he did when he had hair...so, I think because HE feels that way about it, I also feel that way about it.

My husband is very kind and gentle, but also a "manly man" - which I love. The balance is perfect, he's not a bone head but he's also not one of those sobbing, sniffling men with no back bone. He takes care of me the way a husband should and I do the best that I can to take care of him the way a wife should. Not including my mother, I trust him more than anyone on the planet and I am always blown away by what truly good morals and values he has. He can't tell a lie..he can lay awake at night worrying about if he was given too much change at the restaurant with out realizing it...and, when I am facing hardships in my life he worries about me more than I do.

So, although I'd say there is probably no man on earth that can fit all the characteristics of any preconceived template, when it comes to the total package being right on target I'd have to say my husband fits the bill.

Great post, goodchild, as coincidentally, I am in the process of drawing up my list of what I want in an ideal mate.

Don't waste your time babe...life doesn't work like that.

nd also, for some reason, there's always something awry or amiss with people who have the complete package I want in a man - either they're totally dumb, characterless, unambitious, or some other quality that would turn me off right away.

Then, they weren't your total package to begin with..

What a great question!!!

I AM with my ideal mate. Would I ever in my wildest dreams think that he was even close to my ideal mate? No way!!! He's loud, he's kind of a "redneck", he's white (just not what I'd pictured at ALL), he's 11 years younger than me, he's not as tall as I wanted, he drinks more than I would like, he's not a doctor and hadn't planned on kids for at least the next 10 years:eek:

I knew him for a long time before I acknowledged that we might be a good match (3 years).

I don't think I've shared this before, but when Chris and I first started dating we weren't exclusive and I was also dating another guy... The other guy was a guy that I thought was "perfect" by all my internal standards. He was intersted in getting married and having a family soon, he was a professional who was an extremely talented musician (bordering on a star), he's Christian, he was emotionally available in a way I hadn't experienced before...

If you stacked up all the things I thought would be good for me, I would have picked that guy in a second... but you know what? Throw all those measures out the window and Chris and I are a WAY better match than the other guy and I--hands down. I must have known this deep deep down because I chose wisely.

A couple years later when I see Matt now, I'm like whoa!!! That would have been so wrong for me. He's more self-focused and less couple-focused. I wouldn't have been as happy. Chris is exactly what I NEED, even if at times its not always what I think I WANT.

I'm a lucky kid, and what's great is that he thinks he's a lucky kid too!

Great post, goodchild, as coincidentally, I am in the process of drawing up my list of what I want in an ideal mate. I must say that like you, my ultimate goal was to be with somebody who was white (I'm Asian, btw). Is there anything wrong with that? Some critics would say that the socially constructed notion of what is beautiful has always been characteristics of whiteness - blonde hair, blue eyes, fair-skin, and so those who do not possess those characteristics feel "ugly" or "undesirable." I have heard of the term "internalized oppression" where you somehow feel inferior because you don't possess those physical characteristics. Anyway, don't want to delve into that complicated and sensitive subject matter.

It is a sensitive matter indeed. I don't think there is anything wrong with having a preference for a specific race, but if you exclude others then you need to find out what is the driving force behind your fixation. I think that if you can honestly examine the motivation for your desires and you are okay with the answers, then it's ok. As long as you can live with you and you are happy with the person you see in the mirror on a daily basis.


And also, for some reason, there's always something awry or amiss with people who have the complete package I want in a man - either they're totally dumb, characterless, unambitious, or some other quality that would turn me off right away.

Nature's compensation they say lol! With regards to your list; its ok to have a list as long as you are realistic about your expectations and know that no one will completely fit the bill. Sometimes it's necessary to do this after you've ended a relationship, as making the list is part of the learning and healing process. It helps to see the qualities that you appreciate in a partner and writing the qualities you admire serves to reinforce the reasons for the break up. I also believe that if you keep those lists after each break up and compare those lists, you would have seen how much your ideals change and how much you have grown. So it can be a good thing, as long as you don't go around trying to mold people into your ideal person. :)

Amina and Zolie, thanks for sharing. I'm happy my post allowed you to examine the positive aspects of your relationships. I know sometimes we get lost in the buzz of life and don't really realize how much we appreciate our partners and how lucky we are to be able to share our lives with such beautiful people:yes:.

Nope. I haven't found him yet, and guess what? The dream man doesn't exist. So sad. But I won't give up hope!!! Things that I look for in a man could be narrowing my mind to other qualities that could out shine the ones I look for! It would be nice to have a nice outside, perfect package that I would love to have, but the soul of the person is what really makes them totally beautiful.

I guess my above paragraph is on topic. LOL.
Sbux, I am so glad to see you on here, and it seems like your healing process is going very well. ((((Everybody)))))

Yes!

It was love at first sight...

http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg48/compics/girlwithsack.jpg

Yes, I have.

When I was a young girl my ideal mate or "dream man" was suppose to have curly hair any color, dark eyes and be tall over 6 feet, have large muscular arms and be atleast 5-6 years older than me and he would love me forever and ever and ever. He would look like batman or superman....lol

As I got older I added sense of humor, same likes and dislikes, smart and to be able to connect like the romance novels...yes I was a harlequin romance junky at a very young age...then I grew up...

I dont read romances and while I loved my exhusband and we clicked and we had some things in common we didnt have a healthy relationship and I found that I found asian men sexy and he is asian...then we divorced.

My fiance Clint, has curly hair, dark eyes and 6 feet tall but no muscles lol, he has a wonderful sense of humor, we have similar likes and dislikes..and we do connect like those romance novels...much to my shock.

We say the same thing at the same times even if we were quiet and we finish each other sentences..I have felt as if I have always known him and he feels the same...its creepy really and very sweet in a, I want gag sort of way I guess. LOL.

Things are getting better and sweeter and it is kind of scary to find someone who completes me so beautifully. He told me that when he was a child he use to wonder what his wife was doing and that he had built her up in his head and never thought that he would meet anyone that would fit his list. Then when he met me, he said that he was mentally checking off items off of his list and he realized that I was suppose to be his wife and he wasnt going to let me get away.

Oh and he is 13 years younger and not asian but he will love me forever and ever and ever....

I am with mine as well. Who knew I would finally find him LOL

We have so much in common and love life together. He had some of what I liked physically..and some I did not think I would like but do now..(NOPE NOT SHARING! LOL)

LIFE IS GOOD!:tongue2::yes:

PS guess who..THAT is FUNNY LOL

Oh, my.....I would have to say no--and yes.

I didn't find what I would assume would have been my ideal. I never looked for a physical ideal, per se--but I always wanted someone smart, and caring, and compassionate. I got that, along with more. My man has a lot of quirks I never would have asked for. But--those quirks are part of what still keeps me loving him. He makes me smile; he makes me laugh; he makes me think; he makes me feel cherished and cared for in a thousand small ways. I never asked for these things--I never knew they were important until I had them.

So, no because I never pictured myself with someone like him; and yes, because he is ideal for me.

(I'm awfully mushy right now. My man went out of his way to do nice things for me because I came home and told him what a crappy day I had. So sweet!)

I am currently single. I've been married, I've had a few long term relationships,
and too many of the short term variety.

As I have aged my definition of the ideal mate has evolved.

At this stage in my life, here's my thoughts on what constitutes my "ideal mate". (I hope I'm on topic)
________________________________________

She's not a beauty queen. But standing there in
her pony tails, country dress and ruby slippers,
she melts my heart with her smile and the love
I see in her eyes...

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/dorothybw.jpg

She thinks I'm lovable, in spite of my age and rust...

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/tinmanrusty.jpg

Our faces light up when we're together...

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/dorothyandthewoodsman.jpg

She attends to my needs because of love, not duty...

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/oilcan.jpg

She runs to catch me when I'm falling...

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/tinmanleaning.jpg

She knows what to do when my heart is breaking...

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/dorothykiss.jpg

She is mature enough to stop dreaming
about a fairy tale life "over the rainbow"...

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/overtherainbow.jpg

She has learned that "home" is wherever those that
love her are at; there's no place like home...

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/the3guysdorothy.jpg

I love you one and all

I am currently single. I've been married, I've had a few long term relationships,
and too many of the short term variety.

As I have aged my definition of the ideal mate has evolved.

At this stage in my life, here's my thoughts on what constitutes my "ideal mate". (I hope I'm on topic)
________________________________________

She's not a beauty queen. But standing there in
her pony tails, country dress and ruby slippers,
she melts my heart with her smile and the love
I see in her eyes...

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/dorothybw.jpg

She thinks I'm lovable, in spite of my age and rust...

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/tinmanrusty.jpg

Our faces light up when we're together...

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/dorothyandthewoodsman.jpg

She attends to my needs because of love, not duty...

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/oilcan.jpg

She runs to catch me when I'm falling...

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/tinmanleaning.jpg

She knows what to do when my heart is breaking...

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/dorothykiss.jpg

She is mature enough to stop dreaming
about a fairy tale life "over the rainbow"...

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/overtherainbow.jpg

She has learned that "home" is wherever those that
love her are at; there's no place like home...

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/the3guysdorothy.jpg

I love you one and all

Hahaha! Cute!

Don't waste your time babe...life doesn't work like that.

I reread my post, and I did sound too technical and all. But I think it's good to have a list - or a mental list of standards, at least, of what someone wants in a man/woman. Realistically speaking though, I don't think anybody could find the "complete package" - because nobody really is that perfect. I guess it just depends on which qualities are a must, which ones you can live with, and which ones you can do without.

Standards are good, right?

Standards are great... my point would be to not let the list get in the way of enjoying a good relationship. Sbux... I don't think you would do that.

It's different in the abstract than when there is the reality of a certain person who makes you go all jello-y and makes the brain turn off. Those are the times when the memory of the list can be good and can serve you well!

In my case, however, if I stuck exclusively to the list I would have missed out on the love of my life!

Standards are great... my point would be to not let the list get in the way of enjoying a good relationship. Sbux... I don't think you would do that.

It's different in the abstract than when there is the reality of a certain person who makes you go all jello-y and makes the brain turn off. Those are the times when the memory of the list can be good and can serve you well!

In my case, however, if I stuck exclusively to the list I would have missed out on the love of my life!


Yeah! I know what you mean.:yes:

No. I can't say that I have.
And I at my age, I do get discouraged I'll admit.
But underneath it all, I still have hope......:yes:

I think it can get us into trouble to think that way. Is there really an ideal? Would WE ourselves want to conform to that kind of pressure of being "perfect"? I don't think I would, so I keep that in mind when my man seems a little...."rusty". :) Love the Wizard of Oz montage - perfect analogy. I guess we should also keep in mind - that the only constant is change. What seemed "ideal" to me a few years ago doesn't really feel that way now as I have changed and grown. As I've matured, I realized the importance of real communication. Talking about what you want, what they want, what you are willing to give and expect in return, and know where the compromises lie. I think that's about as ideal as we can ever hope to get. Just a thought...I could be wrong. ;)

I think it can get us into trouble to think that way. Is there really an ideal? Would WE ourselves want to conform to that kind of pressure of being "perfect"? I don't think I would, so I keep that in mind when my man seems a little...."rusty". :) Love the Wizard of Oz montage - perfect analogy. I guess we should also keep in mind - that the only constant is change. What seemed "ideal" to me a few years ago doesn't really feel that way now as I have changed and grown. As I've matured, I realized the importance of real communication. Talking about what you want, what they want, what you are willing to give and expect in return, and know where the compromises lie. I think that's about as ideal as we can ever hope to get. Just a thought...I could be wrong. ;)

I agree about change. I'm not sure that I could say I've met my "ideal" mate - that's a pretty tough standard. My SO is "ideal" for me now, but in the past, there wouldn't have been such a connection and I don't think we would have worked as a couple.

We too, finish each other's sentences and, most eerily, will say the exact thing the other person was just about to say. We're so similar that it can be sickening for others. :tongue2: In some ways he is exactly who I dreamed of spending my life with...romantic, loving, funny and quirky, a bit of a hermit but loves to travel, and so many hobbies and interests in common. In other ways, he is very different than I expected...i.e., 18 years older and divorced.

I also agree that setting standards and writing that list of requirements is a GOOD thing, as long as it focuses on the things that truly are vital for you. Looking back, I think we can all see how this would have saved heartache...it's very hard to be realistic about what you need in a relationship when you are head-over-heels with someone. If you're with the wrong one, it's often only after the passion cools down that you realize that it won't work in the long run.

The man that I am with now.........15 yrs ago, I may not have even looked his way. As said before.......change.

I had always been attracted to guys that were older than me...but only by about 5 or 6 yrs. The typical "good ole country boy"...rugged...sports type. Even married one........ fast forward 10 yrs..... I grew...he didnt. He still wanted to hang out with the 21-22 yr olds...party...etc. Had no desire to grow socially, culturally, mentally, emotionally.

As we got older our dreams changed, our goals were different, our friends were different, our interests were different...everything other than the address on the mailbox.

The man that I am with now....... he is truly a wonderful man inside and out. He knows just what to say or do when I have had a bad day, his voice makes everything better...we share common interests..we have similar goals....he is the most caring person that I have ever met in my life....both personally and professionally...... he is a very loving father to his kids....he does the little things that so many take for granted. He loves life....he works hard....sometimes too hard....but I do as well. We both work at least 6 days a week....... the time that we share is so special.....he travels alot for work, so it makes our time together even more precious. His way of looking at me melts my heart...... we have been together a little over a year, and he still gives me butterflies......


Ideal one.......guess you could say that........but he would be better described as the RIGHT one. ;)

Wow! I'm really enjoying the responses on this thread. Keep them coming:)

I reread my post, and I did sound too technical and all. But I think it's good to have a list - or a mental list of standards, at least, of what someone wants in a man/woman. Realistically speaking though, I don't think anybody could find the "complete package" - because nobody really is that perfect. I guess it just depends on which qualities are a must, which ones you can live with, and which ones you can do without.

Standards are good, right?

Sure, standards are a great thing...but so often I see women chasing after tangible standards while being lax on the most important, intangible aspects that come with being a good person.

Some people make lists like:

Must be wealthy - check
Must be 6'1 or over - check
Must wear size 12 shoe - check
Must like Coldplay - check

All the while ignoring the fact that their "perfect" mate isn't really a good person and treats them like crap. I have met soooo many women who have "perfect" husbands - rich, handsome, the envy of everyone...yet when it gets down to what kind of actual human being they are, or what kind of husband and father they are...they fall waaaaaaay short.

I think our standards are internal ones, not ones that necessarily need an actual list. I couldn't really, truly love and trust a man who I did not know was a good, decent, upstanding human being. My standards were all about what kind of man I needed my husband to be and not so much about the size of his bank account or what kind of shoes he wears. After all, a good marital team can become rich together, a good wife can make her husband a good dresser...but none of that matters if the man you are with is not responsible, mature, trustworthy, intelligent, etc...

Also, sometimes you just have to go with the flow and believe in your relationship once you see that the most important qualities exist in your mate. For example, I am an insane animal lover and my husband never had a pet and never really thought twice about animals one way or another. Before we got married he said he had no desire to ever have pets in his home..where as for me, a house doesn't feel like a home unless there are pets in it. Anyway, he was so much of what I wanted in a man so I decided to over look this issue and have faith that it would all work out. Turns out my husband is an animal lover but never knew it b/c he was never really exposed to animals. We now have two cats and he is totally obsessed with them. He loves and adores those cats to no end. He brushes them every day, gives them baths, makes sure they have the kind of food they like, etc. The other night we were driving and I thought I saw a dog chained in a car junk yard. I got really upset...the husband I had before we had our cats probably would have told me to mind my own business, but the husband I have now, after having the cats turned the car around with out me asking him to and searched the junk yard for the dog (we never found him). In that moment I fell madly in love with my husband all over again...

Relationships evolve and while people always tend to think that means in a bad sense, in many cases - if you stick to the true standards which are important to begin with - the relationship will evolve in a wonderful way.

I found my ideal mate the night I met a man who would become my husband. When I was a young girl I always asked God to send me a handsome man, hard working, smart, sweet, romantic and someone who can support himself. The only thing I forgot to ask God was not to send me an old man. God gave me all the things I asked for in a man and he could have sent me a young man too but I forgot to ask. Oh well, he is old but he is the sweetest and most loving kind I have ever met and I strongly believe he is my ideal mate. God knows what he is doing!

My question : Have you found your ideal mate? Did he/she come in the 'package' (physical characteristics) you imagined?

I guess it depends on when I was imagining it.

When I was a teen, I was going to marry a brown-haired, brown-eyed, romantic, fun, well-to-do executive that loved me and my family had to love him, too. Age didn't really come into it. I guessed he'd be my age or older, but it wasn't something I thought of like, "He HAS to be 5 years older."

He's not an executive and that isn't important to me anymore (that got reduced to "Can hold a decent job," LOL!) but I wouldn't be surprised if Jeremy gets there some day.

Funny what you THINK is your ideal may not be right for you after all. I just couldn't imagine myself now living in some fake, material world trying to keep up a front and up with the Jones'!

I'm not fine wine, c0cktail parties and wasting money on expensive designer clothes.

I found out I'm shots of Dr. McGillicuddy's at a corner bar in jeans and a sweater!