Insecurities

Hi, everyone
I'd like to ask about how some of you dealt with (or are dealing with) your YM's insecurities (guys, please weigh in here!). I am dating a new YM and he is constantly telling me how women check him out and hang all over him when he's out with his friends. He obviously wants me to know that other women find him attractive. Is he trying to make me jealous? I've only dated him three or four times! Anyway, without trying to dissect his behavior, I thought I'd do a post to get some feedback. Anyone have the same/similar issues?
Thanks,
SkyBlue

I have had this experience when I was happily in a new relationship, and I have a couple guy friends who have related the same thing. He could be happy, and all these other women are wondering where his new confidence is coming from. He may be carrying his head a little higher now that he is dating you, and other women are taking notice. Especially if he is ignoring them. For some reason, it seems that women are more interested in men when the guys are'nt looking.

Or it could be that he's trying to tell you that he is attractive and he knows it, and that you have a good catch. But if this goes on for too long, ask him what he means by all of this. It could be an unfortunate harbinger of other things. D.

My YM had the same situation on a new job just after we started dating. He said at the time that it must be his being in love with me that made him more attractive to other women! I guess being in love is a feeling we all want and need, even if it belongs to someone else (LOL). The flirtations ended after a while, when he was no longer the new kid on the block at work. I agree with Big Dougie - see if it ends, and then forget about it. If not, there are other issues. Good luck!

Yeah he is just bringin it your attention that he has some game with the ladies, so it's like he thinks your lucky that you are his woman. It's just a game we all can play if we want. No big deal unless he keeps it up.

I would be really offended if some guy I was dating kept "mentioning" that he was being "hit on" by women when he was out without me. I'd think he was trying to make me jealous. The only guys that ever did that to me turned out to be insecure, and a couple of them turned out to be cheaters too.

If I were you, I'd say, "What do you want, the girls hanging on you, or me? Do you feel deprived or something? Is that why you keep bringing it up to me?"

When my Robin goes out, the last thing he mentions is some girl showing him attention. He'll tell me if one does, but he downplays it because he knows I don't like it. If I'm out without him, and some guy shows me attention, first of all, I do enjoy the flattery, but I handle it well and tell the guy I'm happily engaged and we move on to another subject. I tell Robin about it, because I am always honest with him, but I don't rub it in. That would just be disrespectful and trying to provoke jealousy.

Thanks for your help, all. I haven't been dating him very long and it confused me for just that reason: he is just getting to know me==what is the basis for this? Of course, I have to ask HIM if/when he does it again. In my experience insecure guys end up acting out, and I don't have the tolerance for that. Thanks again!
SB

My husband is 20 years younger than I am and dead gorgeous. If I point out a particularly lovely woman when we are out he has to look for her because he didn't see her before.

Good men don't look at other women, at least they don't stare. They certainly would never tell their girlfriend that they are being hit on.

If you've only dated him a few times, I would make the last time your last date. Tell him exactly why you won't see him again and then go find a REAL man who will treat you with respect and dignity. There are too many fish in the sea to keep on who thrives on jealousy.

~~~Mamuya

My boyfriend is also gorgeous and 23 years younger than I am. He almost never looks at other women when he is out with me. If he does look at one and I tease him about it, he gets embarrassed and denies it. Usually, when we are out, he gives me his complete attention. But, yes, the women do look at him.

Handsome men are always risky. Because of that, I usually avoid dating handsome men, but this time I lost my perspective and fell in love before I realized how handsome my guy really was, so now I am stuck.
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How old is your guy? Maybe he just needs to learn some more relationship skills. Try talking to him and asking him why he is telling you that. If he is boasting, that is disrespectful to you and not a good harbinger of the future. Give him a chance to explain himself and also let him know that you aren't interested in a man who is at risk of falling prey to another woman at any moment.

Good luck

That's a sign of a Jerk and a womanizer.
Dump him.

Who knows after three or four dates what the heck it is?

But it doesn't sound like anything I'd want to live with for the long-term.

Give it a couple more dates and if it doesn't stop of it's own accord, I'd tell him to knock it off in no uncertain terms.

If he doesn't, then I'd look elsewhere.

Well, there seems to be a consensus here: confront him about it and don't let it continue. Agreed! It seemed inappropriate to me, but I've not had this issue arise before...so I appreciate the opinions/advice.
SB

I don't get jealous anymore like I use to, the way I see it is that when my husband see's a pretty lady and if he looks at her it is only because he admires her beauty, but he doesn't desire her. Even I admire the beauty of others so it's only natural to look. But in your case yea it seems like he's saying something there, if he doesn't stop telling you just ask him right out, what's up with that? Everyone here has a point.

I tried to post a reply to this thread a few days ago when it was still fresh, but my computer and I weren’t seeing eye-to-eye on the issue of cookies at the time, and my original reply never got through.

I agree with Polly on this one; it’s hard for me to imagine any positive result that might stem from your friend’s constant reminders that you “can be easily replaced.” Likely, this is a sign of a self-image problem on his part; he might not think himself worthy of your company and may feel the need to appear more than who he really is, or perhaps he is trying to dominate the relationship by making you feel “lucky to have him” and push you into a more submissive posture. Either way, no good can come from it.

I raise cockatiels, and over the years my hobby has taught me a lot about love. Birds are magnificent creatures – their gift of flight grants their lives freedom that we humans will never fully understand. Yet each evening, my feathered friends willingly return to my backyard -- an environment for which they are most ill-equipped and one that must make them feel extremely vulnerable. Why?

“Love” is about accepting the gift of someone else’s heart; nurturing it, respecting it, defending it, …doing everything that you can to give it reason to sing. Above all else, you must do nothing -- through word, action, or their absence -- to bruise it, thereby breaking the giver’s trust. Sky, at this point you probably have nothing to lose by trying to talk to him about this issue, but I wouldn’t hold out much hope. It sure looks like this guy’s ego means more to him than your feelings.

Talking about insecurities in a YM.
this morning while i was driving to work. there was a conversation on the radio about age gap relationships.
i got really interested as you all can imagine, anyway... lots of people rang the radio to tell their age gap stories,
a 26 yrs old guy rang saying that when he was 19 yrs old he fell in love with a 48 yrs old woman, what he loved about this woman was not only her mature beauty but most of all her personality, being self confident, mature and her knowledge really got him. when they started dating he fell more and more for her, but......she then started to change, showing signs of insecurities and playing mind games most of the time to show him that she could have any man whenever she choose, that behaviour really was starting to spoil the whole relaltionship, so slowly, slowly he then realized that those insecurities on her didnt make the woman he fell for.
at the end she broke the relationship, and now he is involved with a 36 yrs old (getting closer ) :-). wich the same is starting to happen... even though she is only 10 yrs older she shows insecurities and plays mind games as well.
His question was: "Why don't you older women out there, behave the way you are when we first met you.? be yourself, secure, mature enough and just let us love you"!!!!
it was beautiful and i almost clapped, but i couldnt.... i was driving!!
cheers
Adri

Thanks Adri -

That was great - and right on the money

:)

It is true that when a guy is happy in a relationship and not looking they seem to be way more attractive to the ladies for some reason - probably because they are not making an *** out of themselves oogling over every girl that walks by. I would say if he is saying it just as an observation that maybe he is just noticing it and wondering about it out loud, and doesn't realize that that is not something that his gf wants to hear about. But if he is saying it to make you jealous or try to make you feel insecure about yourself to try to draw you closer to him, I'd get rid of him because those kinds of guys have their own self-esteem problems and will never change.
~hotrodder~

Adri, that was awesome! I'm going to tell Robin about what that guy said, about women changing after they meet a man. He'll probably say, "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea! Why don't YOU do that!!!" :D

...as I have not heard from him. His last words were, "I'll call you". He usually called within a few days, it's been 2 weeks. Grass has not grown under my feet--and if he does end up calling, I don't intend to go out with him again.
Thanks all, for your words/advice. Next time a guy does this kind of rude thing, I will call him on it immediately.
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